Board 8 > My brother committed suicide and passed last night.

(+) Yeah! (+)

He was 34. For much of his life, he was in physical pain. He had a condition called Empty Nose Syndrome that started when he was around 20 which affected his breathing. He saw doctor after doctor and eventually had a surgery that seemed to mostly fix it. For a while he seemed to be happier and mostly free from pain, but after so many surgeries and treatments, he suffered from nerve damage. He took meds for the nerve pain and rarely complained about it, but it was always there, to one extent or another. I don't think his breathing was ever totally normal either. He had talked about suicide multiple times throughout his life before and how he never wanted to grow old, but he wasn't at all depressed the last couple of years. I believe he was mentally and spiritually at peace when he chose to die.

He knew exactly how to kill himself. Took some sort of cocktail of pills he's told me about years ago that is supposed to let you pass peacefully. I think it might be used in some countries where euthanasia is legal. I live with him and found him at 5:30 p.m. when I realized I hadn't seen him all day, and because I had heard super loud snoring from his room the night before at 8:45 p.m. (he never snored normally), I was worried. So I got the key to his room and opened it. He was lying on his bed with vomit down the side, but still breathing. We got our next door neighbor who is a nurse to come over and check on him, not knowing it was a suicide attempt yet. Then one of them found the note. It simply said:

"I'm sorry. I'm in too much pain. I will see you all again, just not here :)"

We rushed him to the ER. Because he was breathing and had a mostly regular heartbeat, we thought he was going to be okay. But somehow on the ambulance ride to the hospital he passed. Honestly, I feel like I ruined the moment of his death trying to prevent it and save him. But he's at peace now and no longer suffering. He fought for 14 years dealing with his pain.

Here are some of his favorite songs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMgXXyF2XQg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpg-yNJF2ds
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX3k_QDnzHE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbL-1oBppeU

Two that I introduced to him, two that he introduced to me. :) I love you brother.

Sorry for your loss, Blur. ;_;

My condolences, can't imagine experiencing something like that. Stay strong

Hate to hear this. I wish you and your family strength during all of this.

KommunistKoala posted...

My condolences, can't imagine experiencing something like that. Stay strong

There's nothing else I can add so I'll echo this sentiment

I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss

I'm very sorry. I hope you can find peace with it.

jesus blur that's awful, i'm so sorry. i can't even comprehend what you must be going through

i hope in time you can find some solace in the music that you shared, and knowing he's at peace now

for now though just look after yourself, feel free to reach out if you need someone fairly anonymous to talk to

Jesus, thats awful. Sorry for your loss man. Ill be thinking about you.

Condolences

I really don't know what to say that hasn't been already articulated as or better than I would have. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry you had to experience something like that

Maybe I should not say anything, perhaps it is not my place

but the way he was going out didn't sound like peace at all, I would have tried to help too, don't blame yourself for that

I too am sorry for your loss. Let me know if you need someone to talk to. Thoughts and hugs!

Very sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. Pain can be truly crippling in so many ways.

Ah geez, I'm so so sorry. Love to all of your family.

That is just fucking awful, and I'm sorry you had to go through this. And I'm sorry to hear that your brother was in so much pain that he felt this was his best option.

But there's absolutely no reason to feel like you "ruined" his death. You did what anyone who cared for him would do, and I'm sure he knows that.

Reading this makes me cry, especially paired with the thought that I've toyed with this notion in the past for far more petty reasons than being in chronic pain. The one thing that could always bring me up short was knowing the pain I could cause for those I left behind. Now I'm feeling pain, vicariously, through you. Not my place to judge if it was worth it or not, but I hope you can find some sense of normalcy and stability with a brother-sized void in your life.

Reading his note is making me teary eyed. Even from the little you've shared in your post, it seems like you guys had a beautiful relationship - I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fuck thats terrible. Im so sorry for your loss. I can relate a lot to your brother. Ive had my moments. Reading this made me cry. I hope he and you find some measure of peace. I know it must be harder for those who have to go on.

Punnyz posted...

I'm so sorry you had to experience something like that

Maybe I should not say anything, perhaps it is not my place

but the way he was going out didn't sound like peace at all, I would have tried to help too, don't blame yourself for that

Obviously no one willing to take their life is fully "well," whatever that means, but I mean that mentally he was alright. I know my brother. I have seen him going through severe depression before and saved him from almost committing suicide 10ish years ago (or so he credited my voicemail I left him). This wasn't like that at all. Mentally, Luke was in a good place. But he had given up the will to live, the will to keep trying to fight his physical pain. He drives up to see this doctor in Ohio every few months - an hour drive, 16 hours round trip - and we called that doctor today because he had just seen him the day before he did this. The doctor told us there was a new experimental treatment that had some success recently that he would be trying on him their next visit. I can't believe he knew that. I just wish he could have held out until then to try. But he fought for 14 fucking years, and he lost faith in ever finding something to cure his pain.

Leonhart4 posted...

Hate to hear this. I wish you and your family strength during all of this.

This is especially hard on my mom. Not only for losing one of her only two children, but she lost her husband 8 years ago and is a widow. That is the worst luck in life I can imagine.

Giggsalot posted...

jesus blur that's awful, i'm so sorry. i can't even comprehend what you must be going through

i hope in time you can find some solace in the music that you shared, and knowing he's at peace now

for now though just look after yourself, feel free to reach out if you need someone fairly anonymous to talk to

I spent the whole night listening and bawling my eyes out to the music we both loved. Actually, that's what I've spent almost all of today doing too when not being with my mom. For now, it's painful but cathartic to listen to. Hopefully in time it will just be smiles.

Thanks everyone. I probably won't be around here much for a while. But I will be okay. I hope my mom will too. This is indescribably hard on her.

UltimaterializerX posted...

Jeez I'm sorry bro :(

Never heard of empty nose syndrome before. In looking it up, it seems like a turbine complication post surgery. Did he have a surgery when he was 20 that caused this?

That is exactly right. It was an incredibly unknown condition for a while and turbinate removal was a common practice. That is starting to change with the spreading awareness of Empty Nose Syndrome (thanks to the internet - actually doing something good for once). He often blamed that surgery for ruining his life.

He used to be filled with a lot of hatred and bitterness over it when he was younger. He wasn't like that at all these last 5 or so years. He had grown so much. So much wiser and kinder. He was in a good place in that sense.

All of my love to you.

I don't know how I'd deal with chronic pain. It makes me anxious just to think about.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, please stay strong.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thats horrible, Im so sorry. My sincere condolences.

https://youtu.be/DT-dxG4WWf4

Another one of his favorite songs. We're Greek. We've never been though, and always wanted to go to Mykonos together. I fucking miss him so much.

StartTheMachine posted...

https://youtu.be/DT-dxG4WWf4

Another one of his favorite songs. We're Greek. We've never been though, and always wanted to go to Mykonos together. I fucking miss him so much.

Best Fleet Foxes song ever recorded. Good taste.

Im so sorry for your loss.

My condolences. I hope things go as well as possible for you and your family from here.

Sorry to hear. Thanks for letting us get to know him a bit

Very sorry you're going through this. You didn't ruin anything- and as you know, none of this is your fault. Your love was clearly a great force in his life, but he was also his own independent person

Find support where you can. get therapy when you're able, even if you don't need it

I can't imagine. At least the note has some sense of warmth to it. So sorry to hear.

So sorry to hear. All those surgeries caused him nerve damage?

My condolences to you and your mom. I'm sure that the time you are able to spend with her is helping her through this.

StartTheMachine posted...

https://youtu.be/DT-dxG4WWf4

Another one of his favorite songs. We're Greek. We've never been though, and always wanted to go to Mykonos together. I fucking miss him so much.

Great song. I'm also Greek and Mykonos is one of the places I'd like to go when I can return.

Really sorry for your loss.

Dang. Real sorry for your loss

I just got done listening to a bunch of Rotersand songs. Thank you for sharing.

I'm very sorry. I hope that you and your family can find peace.

Very sorry to hear this. My condolences

that's devastating - really sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss.

Absolutely horrific, so sorry man.

I found out two days ago what probably was the deciding factor in making my brother do what he did. When he visited his doctor in Ohio the day before he killed himself, the doctor told him that, thanks to the supply chain issues, he would not be able to get his normal "pain meds" for three months. They weren't really pain meds - it was actually a very specific type of nasal spray he used for his Empty Nose Syndrome symptoms.

Today was the funeral. I won't inundate you all with the details of my mental state. I'll just say that I'm fucking proud of my brother. And I miss him.