She's not enjoying herself now. She gets drunk and sleeps around as a distraction. Here I thought this whole ordeal would teach her a lesson and make her grow up, but she went in the complete opposite direction. What baffles me is she still absolutely loves me and hates herself for what she did, yet... she's really not helping herself now. She thinks she's a terrible person (because she is, now) but she wouldn't be if she believed she could be a better person and actually tried to be.
I mean nothing she's done over the past few months has made any lick of sense.
-- ~Halo Now you learn the mistake of challenging me. http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/2734/hieis.jpg
I don't think it's a lot of sex. And she's only doing it when drunk. As a distraction.
It's hard to explain. She knows she's made mistakes. She doesn't enjoy what she's doing. Well I guess in a way she does because she's just doing it to distract herself but I DON'T F***ING KNOW I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm already pissed off enough as it is.
Nah, I'm just messing with you. Some people do a lot of drinking and sex and other things that make them feel better when they feel like they've done something bad and don't want to look it in the face. You know, rather than tackle their problems they just go drink until they forget about it or stop feeling scared. I understand what you meant.
Though all that being said, I still side with everyone else here that you should be your own top priority.
-- Ace Detective in Sir Chris' Police http://i55.tinypic.com/2mcnjl.gif
I didn't care because I went four weeks without seeing her. But she came over today to get the rest of her stuff, and... I mean I'm not over her. And I can't be over her so long as she still loves me, and she does. She WANTS to be a better person. But she's been going about it in COMPLETELY the wrong way. And I just don't understand how someone can be so stupid.
She's f***ing stupid and I just need to bring myself to hate her. It's the only way I can get over it.
To quote a favorite band of mine, "Love pull me down, hate lift me up."
-- ~Halo Give into the Night. http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a125/ShadowHalo/haloshadow1.gif
Dude quit fixating on your ex. Don't keep going back to someone who keeps hurting you, there are dogs who have learned this lesson faster than you.
Extha is PROBABLY right, you just can't see it because you need things to be a certain way for you life to make sense.
But even if you ARE right:
She did this while she was with you because she obviously wasn't happy/ was dissatisfied.
If shes still doing it its probably a symptom of deep dissatisfaction stemming from NOT YOU.
But honestly man, the only thing sadder than a lonely chick drinking her ass off and sleeping around in search of that missing something, is the alcoholic ex-boyfriend who cant get over her and has himself in desperate cycle of drunkenness, joblessness, and loneliness.
If you were a chick would you sleep with you as youve been recently? Hell, would you sleep with your girlfriend if she was just some drunken strange at a party who was coming as a desperate, clingy whore?
I know I wouldn't.
You need to turn a corner, learn to appreciate yourself and for God's sake stop obsessing over sex. When you become the man you need to be, Santa is right, the sex will come to you. The person who has been posting these topics lately isn't you. You were fun and full of energy once and that was before this chick entered your life.
Get your swag back man.
--
http://img.imgcake.com/nio/81edpngej.png edwardsdv and swordz9 are basically the comedy heel tag team of this topic, why would people be taking them seriously?
That is incredibly strange because I'm pretty sure I was hated more before she came into my life. Once I was in a relationship I chilled out and people seemed to hate me less.
Yeah. I'm in a pathetic as f*** position right now. I realize I need to get my s*** together, and believe me I am god damn TRYING. But I can't freakin' get rid of this desire to have sex with some random girl. Like a rebound or something. I feel like it would at LEAST be a step in the direction of me getting better. Especially considering I now know she hasn't been doing what I thought (or hoped) she was doing: taking alone time to reflect on herself. Which is what she TOLD me she was going to do in the first place.
Ugh. She pisses me off.
-- ~Halo Give into the Night. http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a125/ShadowHalo/haloshadow1.gif
From: ShadowHalo17 | #058 And I can't be over her so long as she still loves me, and she does
At the risk of offending you (and by "at the risk of," I mean "I hope you'll be cool with me for saying this later once this is all blown over"), this is the oldest emotional trap in the book. People get caught in this all the time. She is telling you she still loves you and hates what she did because she's afraid of losing you, but believe it or not, that's not the same as loving you.
Breaking up with someone is hard no matter how you feel about them. They literally become a part of your emotional network, and then they're being ripped out. But that makes people say and do things just to prolong the whole ordeal because they're too scared to just break clean. It's like how a kid doesn't want to just yank a band-aid off because it'll hurt, so they just sort of slowly, agonizingly peel it off and end up hurting more than if they'd just ripped it off.
What I am trying to say is that you need to stop thinking she still loves you, no matter what she says. You're in a bad state of mind right now, but once all of this over, you'll feel like a new man, honest to god.
-- Ace Detective in Sir Chris' Police http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/9526/prosecutorshominamimoto.png
Echoing what everyone else is saying, self improvement should be your first priority. If you don't like yourself, why would anyone else? I'd definitely recommend going back to school. Also, I know it's really difficult to forget about someone you cared about, but obsessing over your ex will not make your life any easier; the best way to get over her is probably just to meet other girls (again, going to school will help with this); I'd first focus on just making friends. The quality of one's relationships (including friendships) is the thing most correlated to their happiness.
(I feel kinda hypocritical saying this because my s*** isn't together at all, but the advice is sound).
-- No I'm not a damn furry. Looney Tunes are different. - Guiga I wanted Sonic/Shadow romance at that time, not sex. - MWE
Also I really don't like giving people real advice straight from my heart online, so I swear to god if you don't take it I will hunt you down and hide all your liquor.
-- Ace Detective in Sir Chris' Police http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/3984/tumblrle5rxjm27j1qcrr8a.gif
From: Rad Link 5 | #063 Also I really don't like giving people real advice straight from my heart online, so I swear to god if you don't take it I will hunt you down and hide all your liquor.
This made me laugh.
As for your previous post... I'm sure you're right. As I have thought that way myself before. I convinced myself that she didn't really love me and it was helping me move on, until she came over today. I honestly believe she still genuinely loves me but she just can't stand the idea that she hurt me as much as she did. She can't stand looking at herself in the mirror because she hates herself. To me, this all means she should be WILLING to make herself a better person. Yet she's going in the opposite direction.
WHATEVER. I'm going to convince myself that she doesn't truly love me because yeah, you're right. I really need to focus on myself and really need to grow the f*** up some more. If she finally comes to her god damn senses and we end up together again, then great. If not, I'm sure I can find someone else who actually deserves me. Because I am a great guy.
-- ~Halo Rolling around at the speed of sound. http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/2417/sonicspeed.jpg
Wow this some deep stuff. I feel your pain here...
I agree with the latest advice given here. "People change" is just something people who want other people to change tell themselves. When this same sort of thing happened to me years ago, I went with the "avoid her at all costs" route. Some people may consider that a weak way to go about it, but it worked for me because I know myself. I knew that if I saw her, I could never get over her. My method was just to cut it out of my life so I could refocus. The less I knew about what was going on in her life the better. Maybe that's not for you, but wallowing in this situation doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
You seem like a cool guy from what interactions I've had with you around here, be selfish and love yourself. Porn's okay really. If you are a relationship type of person, then just ride it out and it'll come to you eventually. Trying to hard on the rebound isn't any good.
I wasn't trying to avoid her, but she decided we needed some time apart for good. So I went a whole month without seeing her. And honestly I preferred it that way. She also made it so I couldn't see any of her posts on facebook. At first I was concerned but then I realized that was a good thing. I didn't WANT to know anything about what she was doing. Not at all. I already thought that she was sleeping around but without confirmation I could just make myself believe she was having the "alone time" she claimed.
But she came over today to get the rest of her stuff. So naturally we had a conversation. And she couldn't help but reveal what she's been up to. And... I mean I've already been absolutely crushed by everything she had done prior to this. So I actually handled this better. But regardless, I'm still f***ing pissed. And I still love her and she still loves me and neither of us want to be rid of each other... I told her I'd still be her friend. But really... I just want to hate her. I do. It makes it easier when I just convince myself that she's a b**** and a whore and I hate her.
That doesn't seem mature to me. But when I try to approach the situation and her as a mature person, it just creates more pain. Convincing myself that I hate her is the only way I can protect myself now, it seems.
-- ~Halo You're not the brightest. http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/907/bandfinisher.jpg
Yeah, focus on making yourself a better person. And not even in others' eyes, in YOUR eyes. That's the first step towards gaining anything meaningful with girls.
Girls like guys who know their worth, act like it, and are not desperate.
--
If you like Blitzball, try Captain Tsubasa II (in English) for NES! Top games: http://unikgamer.com/users/vlado-309.html
You've gotta do what you've gotta do. The perfect mature paragon thing to do is be able to cope with being friends with the person and just swallowing your pain easily and moving on. Human emotions don't often work that way though. You know yourself better than anyone, and you need to do whatever it takes to make it okay for you. With me, I knew that meant cutting the person out of my life. I've done it twice, with both of my long term relationships I've had. I have not spoken to either of them since the day each relationship ended, and that just works for me. I know how I am, and I know that I cannot deal with any "let's be friends" scenario. I can recognize it's the mature and laid back thing to do, but like you said forcing yourself to do that is just going to end up causing more pain. If you clearly still have these feelings for her, then I don't see how "just friends" can possibly work. Human nature will be to want more than that.
Hate is a strong word. Everyone has a good quality or two, and when I try to hate someone my nature is to immediately recall those few good qualities. Avoidance works because over time, I will mostly forget and "time will heal" (it actually does). But again, whatever you feel you need to do is the best option. The important thing is that you remember that this is your life, and that you are #1 in it.
I do know my worth though. I still have some growing to do, sure, I have yet to reach my full potential. But I still feel like what I am is still pretty great. She fell in love with me from the moment she met me because of how awesome I was. I probably made some mistakes along the line but she swears it had nothing to do with me. I don't believe that of course. I always blame myself for things that go wrong. I always believe that I could have done something more to prevent whatever happened.
-- ~Halo There is no Crane, only Scarecrow! http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/3739/scarecrowq.jpg
It's just not normal to remain friends with an ex. Especially if it's been a long relationship. You just can't look at each other as friends. And future relationships of yours will be unnecessarily burdened by the factor you're still in contact with your ex (there'll always be suspicion in your new girlfriend, it's human nature).
The easy, clean way out is to cut all ties and just forget about her. Or remember just the good things fondly and appreciate it as an experience that helped build you the way you are today (that's the case with me regarding my ex).
--
If you like Blitzball, try Captain Tsubasa II (in English) for NES! Top games: http://unikgamer.com/users/vlado-309.html
The problem is I don't like the idea of completely cutting her out of my life. She's still so important to me. And what we had was the best ever, and I believe we could still have that if she just... I don't know. If she really focused on growing up and making herself better while I do the same, I think we could still have somewhat close to what we used to have.
Regardless, I don't so much mean "hate" as in "I wish she was dead" but more like... I just need to make myself think of her as a terrible person that doesn't deserve me. Deep down I know that she has what it takes to be the person she was when she was with me, the person that was perfect with me. But she doesn't seem to believe that at the moment. So right now, I need to think like her and just... think of her as a terrible person. That in itself hurts me to do, but I think it's necessary for me to essentially get over it and move on.
-- ~Halo Live, fight, survive, as a family. http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/7469/batfamily.jpg
From: Vlado | #071 It's just not normal to remain friends with an ex. Especially if it's been a long relationship. You just can't look at each other as friends. And future relationships of yours will be unnecessarily burdened by the factor you're still in contact with your ex (there'll always be suspicion in your new girlfriend, it's human nature).
The easy, clean way out is to cut all ties and just forget about her. Or remember just the good things fondly and appreciate it as an experience that helped build you the way you are today (that's the case with me regarding my ex).
I'm actually still somewhat best friends with my first ex-girlfriend though. And I also have my second ex on facebook now...
I just don't give up on people. If I cared for them once then I will continue to care for them in some capacity. I feel that it's a sickness and now I'm really trying to cure that part of myself. Especially since this was the most god awful painful experience of my life. I really just need to forget about her and find someone else. But I won't ever forget about her. And I won't ever stop loving her. Just as I still have never stopped loving my previous ex-girlfriends in some way.
Like I said, I feel you. I get where you're coming from. You want her to change, you want that great person back you were in love with. There's no shame in that. I've been there. It's just... it doesn't usually work like that. I generally dislike making sweeping judgments of people I don't know anything about, but from my personal experiences people do not change. People are who they are, and deep down that person you want to hate will always exist even if she finds some way to mask it. That's a part of her, it just is. That's my take on it, and no offense intended. It would rear its head again eventually even if down the road you got back with her. Likewise, could you ever really forget the pain she caused you? It's just best not to revisit that avenue.
When I say I cut them out of my life, I don't forget about them. I still don't, and I would like to think most people always treasure their long term relationships even once they are over. I look back on the happier times, those good moments, and remember them fondly. At the same time, I realize that the complete person they were was simply not compatible for me. If you keep yourself open, pursuing your own self interests you can find someone better.
Yeah, yours is a pretty tough situation... I think this girl simply does not deserve you, no matter what you've had. She's playing dumb mind games saying how it's all her fault, blah blah. If she did really think that, she wouldn't do the s*** she does. PERIOD. One has control of one's actions and that's that. And even if we assumed she doesn't, then such an unstable person is certainly not one worthy of you.
I can give recipes with ease, but I understand how tough it is to actually apply them when you're in such a situation. Back in the day, everyone would explain to me in a completely reasonable and logical manner how stupid I was being, yet I wouldn't listen to them because I was clinging onto something desperately and had completely shut myself away from any other opportunities... It's self-destructive. I sure am glad I lucked out of that situation.
No-one can harm you nearly as much as you can harm yourself.
--
If you like Blitzball, try Captain Tsubasa II (in English) for NES! Top games: http://unikgamer.com/users/vlado-309.html
I guess it stems from the fact that she believes, just as I do, that she could never find someone better than me. And I always care about those I love above myself. I'm sure I could find another girl to love that might actually be a better fit for me... but then I worry about where she'll end up. I care about her too much. I don't want to see her throw her life away because of her stupidity. I want to save her, and I've been trying... but I just can't get through to her.
I don't WANT to f***ing see her end up as a crack whore relying on her baby daddy's money. That makes me feel way worse.
-- ~Halo Give into the Night. http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a125/ShadowHalo/haloshadow1.gif
You've just gotta... I don't know, I really want to say uplifting things here but my belief is that this will only end up with you trying your best to make her happy and you ending up with more pain at the end of another ordeal. Again I hate to my generalizations about people since I believe humans are unique individuals, but sense is telling me that's what will happen. No one should ever sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of someone else's. Everyone deserves to be truly happy.
Yeah. Everyone deserves to be truly happy. I would be truly happy if I managed to talk sense into her so that she doesn't end up being miserable. She deserves to be happy too.
All I want to do with my life is to make sure that the people I care about are happy. That in turn will make me happy.
-- ~Halo Rolling around at the speed of sound. http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/2417/sonicspeed.jpg
ShadowHalo17 posted... And I always care about those I love above myself.
That is your problem.
Only utmost devotion from the other person justifies thinking that way. Only if you KNOW and the other person's ACTIONS have proven that the other person feels the same way.
--
If you like Blitzball, try Captain Tsubasa II (in English) for NES! Top games: http://unikgamer.com/users/vlado-309.html
But I can't help it. That's just who I am. I know she still loves me and I regardless of how god damn much she's f***ed up, I will always still care about her. And I can't stand to watch someone I care about completely screw up their life. Right now she's still young, so she has plenty of time to turn it around. I can only hope that if she honestly doesn't end up with me, she at least finds someone else that can take care of her. It absolutely tears me apart to think she'll end up with some sleazeball douchebag. She's already had to deal with that before. I honestly think I would kill a guy like that.
-- ~Halo There is no Crane, only Scarecrow! http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/3739/scarecrowq.jpg
I don't know you, so if this is wrong, just ignore it.
Are your motivations really so pure? I think before you say "That's just who I am" you take a good look at what drives you and makes you feel the things you do, without caring about how dirty it is.
You can't control people man, and you have to let people go or make their own decisions. If she turns around, great. If she doesn't, you learn to move on. I'm not sure it's really her happiness you're mostly concerned about, just based on having not met someone who truly is altruistic like that.
Again, I'm just a stranger looking in, if anything about that resonates, think about it. If you've heard it all before or don't agree, then that's cool too.
I really like to believe that I care about others above myself because I don't even care about myself that much. I feel like if I'm not helping the people I care about, then what's the point? I know I need to focus on myself and my happiness too. But as I said, I can't be happy if someone I love isn't happy. If I found someone else to really love, then I would probably be happy... but if she then turned out to be miserable, I think there would still be a hole in my heart because I wasn't able to help her.
I just... I don't know. I guess I'm confused. I just want everyone to be happy god damn it.
-- ~Halo Live, fight, survive, as a family. http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/7469/batfamily.jpg
I've always had abandonment issues. Always feared people betraying me. She basically did both. When i thought my second girlfriend had done that... she was honestly protecting me, but I still took it as abandonment and it took me well over a year to get over her.
Not only that... I've abandoned some people I really cared about. At least that's how I feel. I worked at walmart, which is where I met this girl. Before her, there was another woman, she was about 10 years older than me.... I respected her more than I've ever respected anyone. I loved her, but in a different way. I would have done anything for her. i would have given my life for her. She went through so much crap that she didn't deserve. She was married to someone that didn't deserve her. But she had three kids. And I actually liked them. They would come into the store and I would actually interact with them and they liked me. I usually hate kids. But her kids were awesome. I just... I f***ing miss her, and all the people I left behind from that job. I feel like I abandoned them. I can't get over it. When I was with my girlfriend, it was easier to deal with because I felt like I had moved on with my life and found who I would always be with.
Then that went to hell, and I just... I made mistakes. I'm so sorry to those people I left behind. They liked me and I feel like they actually needed me there. And I abandoned them. I feel so terrible. I can't f***ing forgive myself for it.
I can't forgive myself for anything.
-- ~Halo Now you learn the mistake of challenging me. http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/2734/hieis.jpg
You've gotta stop blaming yourself for stuff and being so hard on yourself. I know it's easy to say and harder to actually do, because I felt the same way and expressed that on this board about a month ago. It's rough to see anyone get this down.
Get yourself some sleep, stay strong and just believe better days are ahead. They are so long as you believe that they are.
No this is beyond that. I will try to explain as best I can.
When I worked at walmart, there was a woman named Amanda. She was absolutely the greatest person I have ever known, I respected her above everyone else. The amount of motivation and self discipline she had. Unmatched. I have never met anyone like her. She was in her early 30s. i loved her. But... it was a different kind of love. She was married and had three kids. I realized that. Even though she deserved better than what her husband offered. Regardless, i did everything I could to make her life even a little bit easier while I was at work. We became such good friends that her husband was even somewhat jealous of me. Which I honestly found funny. Because I would have never ever done anything to ruin the family life that she had.
She had three kids. All of whom I actually liked. I usually hate kids. But I connected with them. And they actually liked me. I just... I can't explain how weird but heartwarming it was. To be such an influence in such a great person's life. I really feel like I made her life a little better
And then... my girlfriend came along. And I PROMISED myself that I would not let my relationship affect my dedication to Amanda.
I did though. I got less motivated and I felt that the two of us were drifting apart. I figured that had to happen, because my girlfriend was perfect for me and it was inevitable.
So I ended up quitting that job. Essentially abandoning Amanda. The person I respected above all else. I have missed her ever since and I have always felt bad for leaving the way I did. But now that I see the perfect relationship I sacrificed everything for wasn't actually perfect.... I've just been feeling even worse about it. I have no idea how I can fix it. I want to go back and see her, and tell her everything. How important she was to me. How much respect I had for her. How f***ing sorry I am for leaving. Just... I hated walmart. I HATED it. But the people there made it an acceptable job. I miss them all, especially Amanda. I wish I had never quit. I made mistakes of my own that I can't fix.
I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to forget about my past and the people from it and to just move on. And I was succeeding for a while. But then all of this s*** happens and... I just want to go back.
Look, dude, you can't fix the lives of so many people. You haven't necessarily abandoned anyone, you've just gone your separate ways. When people are in bad situations, it's more often than not based on their bad decisions. You can't blame yourself for others' bad decisions or for failing to do enough for them to make them change their ways. There's only so much one can do - just like how I can only post some words here, but I know they're bound to not be much help to you, because all this I'm saying, you need to realise yourself for it to actually work.
I'm sorry, but you have to steel your heart a little bit if you want to go anywhere in life.
--
If you like Blitzball, try Captain Tsubasa II (in English) for NES! Top games: http://unikgamer.com/users/vlado-309.html
If having certain friends made you happy, then reacquire those friendships. People make mistakes, and if she respects you the way you respected her, she will understand that. You just can't let it drag you down, and that seems to be what's happening. It's just snowballing; all the negativity from your situation with your ex is causing you to think of all sorts of other negative things in your life. You believe you failed her, and now you believe you failed here. We all fail in life, that's just a part of living. It doesn't make you less of a person to make a mistake, and with that particular one what's stopping you from rectifying it?
You don't have to be sorry for speaking the truth.
I've tried so many times in my life to just... stop caring so much. Then I feel bad about it, but I know it's the only way for me to make any progress. It just sucks. I don't even care that much about myself and when I was working at walmart and doing everything I could for Amanda to make her life even just a little easier.... I really felt good about myself. Then I let that end once I met my girlfriend. I just... more than feeling like abandoning Amanda, I feel like I also betrayed myself. I went back on what I believed.
Yeah, I'm human. I couldn't help it. But... I'm human. So I'm gonna torture myself for it too. I'm aware that's just stupid. I freakin' just need to move on but I'm just so pissed off at myself and so pathetic and I... can't... f***ing... explain it. WHY can't I just... stop caring...
-- ~Halo You're not the brightest. http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/907/bandfinisher.jpg
From: vcharon | #088 If having certain friends made you happy, then reacquire those friendships. People make mistakes, and if she respects you the way you respected her, she will understand that. You just can't let it drag you down, and that seems to be what's happening. It's just snowballing; all the negativity from your situation with your ex is causing you to think of all sorts of other negative things in your life. You believe you failed her, and now you believe you failed here. We all fail in life, that's just a part of living. It doesn't make you less of a person to make a mistake, and with that particular one what's stopping you from rectifying it?
Well the walmart I worked at was in Illinois (I live in St. Louis). I'm having some car problems and don't wanna drive that far because you know she doesn't always work the exact same shift. Showing up out of nowhere might be kinda weird too. There's just several things stopping me. I have no other way to contact her... Just... I don't know. I have no idea what I can possibly do to rectify my friendship with her. But I would love nothing more than to find out how.
-- ~Halo Rolling around at the speed of sound. http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/2417/sonicspeed.jpg