Poll of the Day > Gonna say NO to the friend zone

(+) Yeah! (+)

I have known this amazing chick for about 3-4 months now and shes always had a boyfriend for about a year or so. So recently I got pretty busy where we couldnt see each other and now she wants to make sure it doesnt happen again so its like some weird preemptive friend zone thing.

So I talked it over with some people close to me and decided I should just tell her how I feel and that Im super into her and dont see us as friends because shes more of a love interest. And Ive pretty much been into her for long time, but I do generally respect that shes in a relationship.

At this point she can either tell me she feels the same way and wants to go forward or that shes happy in her relationship, which in that case we need to stay at an arms length.

Ite pretty stressful and I dont really want to hurt her feelings but it needs to be done.

I was actually going to tell her on Monday when I went to see her for about 2 hours, but she was sick and irritable and could barely talk louder than a whisper...she also said she didnt want to talk which I figured and to call her tomorrow night. I told her it was important. Anyway, I texted her in the afternoon and she said she was still in a lot of pain and not much better, so I recommended her some medicine and told her Id call later. She ended up declining my call or maybe had her phone off, which I took as her not wanting to talk and having some idea what Im going to say, or her being too sick to do so.

I was thinking of just shooting her a text but Im sensitive to her condition at the moment and am thinking Ill just wait to tell her when I see her in person maybe later this week.

I'd say wait and do it in person. That's the sort of conversation that needs to be two-way, not dumped on her all at once via a text essay.
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I have been in this situation many times, its best to not say anything until she's single imo
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Move on. She is in a relationship, end of.

Stop antagonising yourself and closing yourself off from meeting someone else, someone much better may be waiting just round the corner.
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Muscles posted...

I have been in this situation many times, its best to not say anything until she's single imo

Never been in this situation but this is the answer. If she did things that made it obvious she liked you (from the OP it looks like you really are just a friend) than I would actually say go for it

It's all about reading this situation. Best thing to do in situations like this is look at the picture from different perspectives and not just your own
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You're only in the friend zone because you want to be there.
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She already has a boyfriend.
Why would you want to lose a friend?
Don't stop talking to her just because she is dating someone else.
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why do so many guys ware like a year to tell a girl they like them?
its literally never going to happen if you wait that long
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adjl posted...

I'd say wait and do it in person. That's the sort of conversation that needs to be two-way, not dumped on her all at once via a text essay.

I think so too. Im just impatient.

Babbit55 posted...

Move on. She is in a relationship, end of.

Stop antagonising yourself and closing yourself off from meeting someone else, someone much better may be waiting just round the corner.

I am but I doubt it. Ive waited for like 5-6 years to feel this way about another woman so I would know.

SusanGreenEyes posted...

She already has a boyfriend.
Why would you want to lose a friend?
Don't stop talking to her just because she is dating someone else.

I dont want to be friends. I think I explained that already.

Yes we have amazing chemistry, can talk about pretty much anything including having intelligent conversations which is pretty rare where I live. We also both think each other are physically attractive.

But a friendship makes zero sense given I think shes perfect for a mate, or at least close to it.

I feel like the only reason shes pushing the friend thing so hard is so we dont lose our relationship as I get busier. Releastically if she turns me down now I always wouldve been the backup guy which Im not about

DirtBasedSoap posted...

why do so many guys ware like a year to tell a girl they like them?
its literally never going to happen if you wait that long

Its been 3-4 months and thats because shes not single so it wouldnt be appropriate to tell a woman I just met I think she should be with me when shes not single....

um 99% of the time, if you havent hit it within a week or two of meeting then its not gonna happen.
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NightShift posted...

um 99.9% of the time, if you havent hit it within a day or two of seeing each other then its not gonna happen.

Totally fixed for accuracy bro

Just be friends, and be happy with that.
You're going to make it worse for everyone involved.

Babbit55 posted...

Move on. She is in a relationship, end of.

This. Find another girl and dont be a creep.
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shadowsword87 posted...

Just be friends, and be happy with that.
You're going to make it worse for everyone involved.

Why lol.

Stupid argument.

We can go back to how it was when we first met and Id be fine with that. What Im not going to do is invest time and emotion into someone who doesnt feel the same way I do.

Its dumb and how guys end up getting taken advantage of

Be her friend. Go date someone else.

She shouldn't have to want you sexually or be in serious relationship with you.

You aren't actually a good friend since you've probably always hoped she'd dump her boyfriend for you.
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why do you need to confess your feelings for her? you're just laying a guilt trip on her that she isn't asking for. you're putting her in a horrible situation.

how are you getting taken advantage of? she has offered you friendship. it's not her fault that that is not enough for you.
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Yeah you certainly are being taken advantage of by continuing to expect a girl who doesnt find you desirable to suddenly change the way she feels and what she is attracted to simply because you are being nice

Seriously dude this is some incel logic
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Wait isn't friends with benefits a thing? Isn't the friend zone just an excuse to hit it occasionally now and not have to deal with real relationship stuff?
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OmegaTomHank posted...

What Im not going to do is invest time and emotion into someone who doesnt feel the same way I do.

But you are, and you have been, because you're weak.
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Jen0125 posted...

why do you need to confess your feelings for her? you're just laying a guilt trip on her that she isn't asking for. you're putting her in a horrible situation.

how are you getting taken advantage of? she has offered you friendship. it's not her fault that that is not enough for you.

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

wolfy42 posted...

Wait isn't friends with benefits a thing? Isn't the friend zone just an excuse to hit it occasionally now and not have to deal with real relationship stuff?

Unless the person has an open relationship, no.

Nicodaemos posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

What Im not going to do is invest time and emotion into someone who doesnt feel the same way I do.

But you are, and you have been, because you're weak.

Not really. We worked close to each other so we saw each other all the time. I literally made this decision within a week of this happening. Nice try though.

wolfy42 posted...

Wait isn't friends with benefits a thing? Isn't the friend zone just an excuse to hit it occasionally now and not have to deal with real relationship stuff?

No idea what this has to do with anything. Im not interested in being a side ***** though. Not with her.

Mead posted...

Yeah you certainly are being taken advantage of by continuing to expect a girl who doesnt find you desirable to suddenly change the way she feels and what she is attracted to simply because you are being nice

Seriously dude this is some incel logic

You obviously cant read or are too blinded by being up your own ass to do so. I have no idea yet if she finds me desirable. I havent asked her but I will talk to her about it on the weekend, thats the whole point of the topic.

Oh yeah, I keep forgetting everyone on here doesn't live in Olympia washington the Polly capitol of the world.
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OmegaTomHank posted...

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

declining what? her friendship? you didn't address any part of my post.

you can't just literally tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without laying your emotional baggage at her feet?
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OmegaTomHank posted...

I have no idea yet if she finds me desirable.

OmegaTomHank posted...

We also both think each other are physically attractive.

So do you know or do to not know?
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Why the heck can't guys just be friends with girls they are attracted to anyway? I mean seriously, wouldn't you RATHER have your friends be hot/attractive etc? It's like playing a video game with your character being a hot chick, if your gonna spend a ton of hours staring at that character, it's better if it's cute/attractive then some blocky thug like orc (at least for me).

Same with friends, just cause a chick is hot doesn't mean you have to bang her or try, just freaking enjoy her company and friendship and if anything ever ends up happening awesome.

If you can't be "just friends" you woulda sucked as more anyway in my opinion.
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Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

declining what? her friendship? you didn't address any part of my post.

you can't just literally tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without laying your emotional baggage at her feet?

Yes. I though that was obvious.

And I think someone who you have an amazing bond and chemistry with telling you randomly they dont want to be friends with you with zero explanation would probably be more harmful than me telling her the truth. Im not going to be an asshole about it, just going to tell straight up if shes happy in her relationship thats fine but we cant be any closer than we are currently.

You make little sense.

Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

declining what? her friendship? you didn't address any part of my post.

you can't just literally tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without laying your emotional baggage at her feet?

Or don't even just tell her that, just hang out with her less for now and let her choose if she wants to seek you out and do things with you. If she does, and you don't anymore, then turn her down, if she doesn't even bother trying to hang with you, then just let it die and move on. No reason to make it something complicated.
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SunWuKung420 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

I have no idea yet if she finds me desirable.

OmegaTomHank posted...

We also both think each other are physically attractive.

So do you know or do to not know?

Physical attraction =/= desirable as mate.

I know this because shes complimented my appearance/features many times. And I think shes gorgeous and tell her albeit infrequently.

wolfy42 posted...

Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

declining what? her friendship? you didn't address any part of my post.

you can't just literally tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without laying your emotional baggage at her feet?

Or don't even just tell her that, just hang out with her less for now and let her choose if she wants to seek you out and do things with you. If she does, and you don't anymore, then turn her down, if she doesn't even bother trying to hang with you, then just let it die and move on. No reason to make it something complicated.

Yeah Id consider this but this is childish so Id rather not.

OmegaTomHank posted...

Yes. I though that was obvious.

And I think someone who you have an amazing bond and chemistry with telling you randomly they dont want to be friends with you with zero explanation would probably be more harmful than me telling her the truth. Im not going to be an asshole about it, just going to tell straight up if shes happy in her relationship thats fine but we cant be any closer than we are currently.

You make little sense.

no, you make little sense.

you're going to unload on this chick for no reason. you're acting like she's wrong you somehow by not being available for you to date. you're not mature enough to be friends with someone you're attracted to because they have a boyfriend.

i'm sure you're a real "nice guy" tlc.
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OmegaTomHank posted...

wolfy42 posted...

Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

And Im declining. Much like she has the opportunity to decline me wanting more.

See how it works? Two way street.

declining what? her friendship? you didn't address any part of my post.

you can't just literally tell her you don't want to be friends anymore without laying your emotional baggage at her feet?

Or don't even just tell her that, just hang out with her less for now and let her choose if she wants to seek you out and do things with you. If she does, and you don't anymore, then turn her down, if she doesn't even bother trying to hang with you, then just let it die and move on. No reason to make it something complicated.

Yeah Id consider this but this is childish so Id rather not.

It's really not. It's the sane way to handle a situation. You could also actually just communicate with her and tell her your feelings thoughts and see what she says. Lots of ways to handle it, but yeah, if you don't feel comfortable with open communication, then just let her take the lead in your relationship and if she is happy just being friends, then just hang with her like that when you feel like it. You may change your mind later and want to hang out with her more etc after things have time to settle and you get over your initial attraction/desire and can focus more on who she is and the fact you enjoy her company etc.

Basically if it's not just physical attraction, why would you ruin a good relationship with someone just because your attracted to them physically as well? Good friends that you really click with are a treasure, don't throw em away just because you might want to be more then just friends.
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I can't imagine how this woman is supposed to feel.
This whole time she thought you were friends and now suddenly everything is different and she is going to lose a friend through no fault of her own.
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Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

Yes. I though that was obvious.

And I think someone who you have an amazing bond and chemistry with telling you randomly they dont want to be friends with you with zero explanation would probably be more harmful than me telling her the truth. Im not going to be an asshole about it, just going to tell straight up if shes happy in her relationship thats fine but we cant be any closer than we are currently.

You make little sense.

no, you make little sense.

you're going to unload on this chick for no reason. you're acting like she's wrong you somehow by not being available for you to date. you're not mature enough to be friends with someone you're attracted to because they have a boyfriend.

i'm sure you're a real "nice guy" tlc.

No Im mature enough to realize what I want.

For the record, she asked for my number twice and I told her no twice. She gave me a look that killed me inside and inventually acquiesced. This sort of thing isnt healthy or mature or positive. You cant just constantly acquiesce because you have good chemistry with someone and get along well.
So its been 4-5 days since then Im just going to tell her off the bat, Im not getting dragged along some emotional rollercoaster. I like her too much to put myself through that.

OmegaTomHank posted...

For the record, she asked for my number twice and I told her no twice. She gave me a look that killed me inside and inventually acquiesced. This sort of thing isnt healthy or mature or positive. You cant just constantly acquiesce because you have good chemistry with someone and get along well.

she asked you for your number because you portrayed yourself as a friend. again, you're about to unload on this chick for no reason other than your selfishness.
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Oh and the last chick I was friends with I was not attracted to at all, she had a boyfriend and as soon as she broke up with him she gave it up then kept calling me after every night.

Fuck that bullshit. If you want to be friends genuinely then fine, but it has to be a mutual decision much like a romance would be. Not one of the two having deep seated, underlying intentions.

Do you seriously expect her to leave her boyfriend for you simply because you're acting weird?
You're about to lose a friend over your own nonsense.
Obviously her friendship means very little to you if you're willing to drop it so easily.
I don't believe you have a lot of respect for this woman.
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OmegaTomHank posted...

If you want to be friends genuinely then fine, but it has to be a mutual decision much like a romance would be. Not one of the two having deep seated, underlying intentions.

no one is saying you need to force yourself to be friends with her but it is extremely immature to profess your feelings for her knowing she has a boyfriend and putting her in that position. especially someone you need to work with? come on, dude.
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Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

For the record, she asked for my number twice and I told her no twice. She gave me a look that killed me inside and inventually acquiesced. This sort of thing isnt healthy or mature or positive. You cant just constantly acquiesce because you have good chemistry with someone and get along well.

she asked you for your number because you portrayed yourself as a friend. again, you're about to unload on this chick for no reason other than your selfishness.

You have no idea how I portrayed myself. You are just making assumptions.

If I was doing such a thing I wouldve asked for her number and said I just want to be friends. I did no such thing. Her finding out that Im into her should not be some big surprise. The only thing I did was remain respectful because I treat women with respect and Im not tacky.

And yes I am selfish I do care about my feelings and well being. And no its not no reason reasons have already been established.

whatever dude. have fun losing your friend and making someone feel bad for no reason.
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mastermix3000 posted...

Muscles posted...

I have been in this situation many times, its best to not say anything until she's single imo

Never been in this situation but this is the answer. If she did things that made it obvious she liked you (from the OP it looks like you really are just a friend) than I would actually say go for it

It's all about reading this situation. Best thing to do in situations like this is look at the picture from different perspectives and not just your own

Here's a perspective

My S.O. of 17 years was in a serious relationship with my best friend when I told her flat out that after all the time we were spending together, a platonic relationship wasn't going to work for me. That was absolutely, positively the right thing to do. In fact, it was probably best for everyone in the long run - once the dust settled everyone in that love triangle had a better relationship with each other afterward than before. The friend in that arrangement went on to get married to someone he's crazy about and have kids. Not in that order, and not the same women, but hey, it worked out.
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Jen0125 posted...

OmegaTomHank posted...

If you want to be friends genuinely then fine, but it has to be a mutual decision much like a romance would be. Not one of the two having deep seated, underlying intentions.

no one is saying you need to force yourself to be friends with her but it is extremely immature to profess your feelings for her knowing she has a boyfriend and putting her in that position. especially someone you need to work with? come on, dude.

I never worked with her. She worked near me and that no longer is the case. She was sad about not seeing me for like a month and a half because I became very busy.

As far as her position goes, she has pretty clear option, yes or no.

As far as my position goes, Im sure if she knows that it would be dragging me along emotionally she would reconsider or at least understand my POV, but she wont until I tell her. Realistically I shouldve just told her then but I just wasnt ready to do so.

Jen0125 posted...

whatever dude. have fun losing your friend and making someone feel bad for no reason.

He's a shitty friend. She is better off without him.
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Kungfu Kenobi posted...

mastermix3000 posted...

Muscles posted...

I have been in this situation many times, its best to not say anything until she's single imo

Never been in this situation but this is the answer. If she did things that made it obvious she liked you (from the OP it looks like you really are just a friend) than I would actually say go for it

It's all about reading this situation. Best thing to do in situations like this is look at the picture from different perspectives and not just your own

Here's a perspective

My S.O. of 17 years was in a serious relationship with my best friend when I told her flat out that after all the time we were spending together, a platonic relationship wasn't going to work for me. That was absolutely, positively the right thing to do. In fact, it was probably best for everyone in the long run - once the dust settled everyone in that love triangle had a better relationship with each other afterward than before. The friend in that arrangement went on to get married to someone he's crazy about and have kids. Not in that order, and not the same women, but hey, it worked out.

Im suprised he didnt try to fight you.

SusanGreenEyes posted...

Jen0125 posted...

whatever dude. have fun losing your friend and making someone feel bad for no reason.

He's a shitty friend. She is better off without him.

LOL.

I literally just said MULTIPLE TIMESIm not interested in a platonic relationship. Me being shitty as something I have zero intention of being or doing is fine by me.

Jen and Susan are literally exhibit A on the Twitter meme of some indignant woman acting so bitter about asshole guys who they reject and have the audacity to lose interest in them.

The hypocrisy is astounding too.

OmegaTomHank posted...

Kungfu Kenobi posted...

mastermix3000 posted...

Muscles posted...

I have been in this situation many times, its best to not say anything until she's single imo

Never been in this situation but this is the answer. If she did things that made it obvious she liked you (from the OP it looks like you really are just a friend) than I would actually say go for it

It's all about reading this situation. Best thing to do in situations like this is look at the picture from different perspectives and not just your own

Here's a perspective

My S.O. of 17 years was in a serious relationship with my best friend when I told her flat out that after all the time we were spending together, a platonic relationship wasn't going to work for me. That was absolutely, positively the right thing to do. In fact, it was probably best for everyone in the long run - once the dust settled everyone in that love triangle had a better relationship with each other afterward than before. The friend in that arrangement went on to get married to someone he's crazy about and have kids. Not in that order, and not the same women, but hey, it worked out.

Im suprised he didnt try to fight you.

I said it was the right thing to do. I didn't say he never wanted to fucking kill me.
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OmegaTomHank posted...

Jen and Susan are literally exhibit A on the Twitter meme of some indignant woman acting so bitter about asshole guys who they reject and have the audacity to lose interest in them.

The hypocrisy is astounding too.

We are both in committed relationships with men who love us.
You are alone whining on a video game website.
You're the bitter one, dude.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

Do you seriously expect her to leave her boyfriend for you simply because you're acting weird?
You're about to lose a friend over your own nonsense.
Obviously her friendship means very little to you if you're willing to drop it so easily.
I don't believe you have a lot of respect for this woman.

Do I expect it? Not really, that would be ambitious. Id be very happy if she did though.

I happen to have a ton of respect for her, which is why I consider her someone I could end up marrying if everything worked out.