Poll of the Day > I'm thinking of asking my roomate out/dating her........

(+) Yeah! (+)

This is kinda complicated/scary!!

So here is the thing, I've been really careful to keep things just friendly with my roomate, but lately she has been saying things like she really appreciates me, inviting me downstairs (where she lives), and even said we should snuggle and watch a movie (Which we did not do, as we ate dinner while watching a movie and never moved onto the same couch).

I get along great with her daughter and we have made plans for me to watch her this summer (getting my teaching credentials in Washington right now so I can teach next fall), so when her daughter is here we have already been spending more time, acting alot like a family etc.

So yeah, things seem great and I think she is throwing out signals that she wants to be more then friends, but then again I'm horrid at figuring that crap out and she may just really like me and appreciate me cooking etc.

Not gonna stress about it or make it a big deal though, and am just gonna play it light and easy, see if she wants to snuggle while watching a movie tonight or tomorrow (her daughter will be back on Sunday so would be hard to move things forward next week).

We get along great, and I don't wanna mess anything up, but I think I'll just casually give her room to move towards a more romantic relationship if she wants and see what happens.

She has paid me back any money she borrowed and has been responsible for herself, paid rent and utilities and cleans up around the house (much better then me), so has not taken advantage of me etc. i feel like I can trust her, and we get along great, both are fairly close in age and she is not seeing anyone else or anything.

Kinda scary, and it might not work out, but if I don't give it a shot, it certainly won't lol.

Wish me luck!
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What happened to that milf girl you met online?
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I can't remember if you were the guy that posted about getting a female roommate that had a kid. But at that time the TC was sure he was going to keep it just friend status
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Fucking called it.

FellWolf posted...

I can't remember if you were the guy that posted about getting a female roommate that had a kid. But at that time the TC was sure he was going to keep it just friend status

Yes, yes that was TC.
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I knew TC was a gimmick poster. This whole story reeks of bullshit.

Oh Wolfy you dog you.
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Lol, yes that was me, and it's still just a friend relationship, but I'm gonna see if it could be more.

The girl I met online was a bit crazy/needy, wanted to get married right away, was diabetic and a few other things (diabetic by itself isn't a deal breaker but she.....it's a long story, lets just stay with crazy).

I wanted to keep it as just a roomate situation because it's kinda ackward to date someone who is living with you, still not even sure how that is going to work, or if that is something she really wants. I'll find out tonight/tomorrow I guess. We get along well and she seems to want to spend more time with me, and I am open to that as well, so it's worth giving it a try even if it's complicated since we live together.

Dating someone you live with......it could be complicated easily, but we have already lived together for 2 months so it's not like I'm just deciding this all of a sudden. We get along great together, and spend alot of time together on the weeks her daughter is here (as she comes home right after work with her daughter). Lately she has been coming home and spending time with me even when she dosn't have her daughter, which I have enjoyed.

We are already eating together, she chips in for the food I buy (since I do all the cooking), cleans the cats litter box and has cleaned the kitchen/bathrooms and basically has worked with me as a team to keep the house clean/put together etc. We watch tv often together at night, and have both complimented each other.

Seems to me like she wants more, but I could be wrong. I don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable if she does not want to go in that direction, but I'm thinking she may feel the same way, and we are both just being very polite and not saying anything lol.

But then she has said some things that are kinda blatant hints and I just have not acted on them, so that may be sending the wrong signals as well (that I'm not interested in her). I feel like I need to make it clear that I am open to more, without making her feel pressured in the process.

Tricky situation, but I think I can handle making it casual light. She was bringing a small tv downstairs yesterday and I offered to bring it down for her, but she was like "I'm ok", so I offered to carry her downstairs while she carries the TV and she laughed etc. She also invites me into her room to talk while she is in bed etc (she wears cute pj's), and has no problem jumping out of bed in them while I am in her room talking to her.

I'm pretty blind about this stuff, but I think she wouldn't be that comfortable if she was not interested in me.
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And if it doesn't work out it will be super awkward

KevinceKostner posted...

And if it doesn't work out it will be super awkward

Yeah, that is my biggest fear to be honest and why I have kinda avoided this even though I have seen signals etc. I mean, I have no recent experience with dating at all, and what happens if we date and then it doesn't work out etc? Again though, we seem to be doing everything you would do if you were dating, without any physical activities.

I was a bit flirty with her yesterday and she seemed to like it, so we'll see, not gonna do any big "conversation" type thing that is for sure, or declare undying love for her or something lol. Just going to let down my "just friends" guard a bit more and see how things go.
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Ask her if she wants to watch a movie on the couch, then work from there
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Junpeiclover posted...

Ask her if she wants to watch a movie on the couch, then work from there

Yeah, this is what kinda clued me in more then anything (I'd already been kinda thinking it the last few days from things she had said etc), she mentioned we should snuggle in the couch and watch a movie.

Now I set up the living room with a couch for her and her daughter (love seat), and a nice comfy chair next to it for me. Like I said, been all about the friends/roomates and nothing more. Didn't want to invade her space etc.

I think she was wanting me to join her on the love seat yesterday while we watched mothers day, but I just stayed in my chair after we ate dinner there (we both had little tables in front of us).

I probably should have moved over and sat with her, and I think she was waiting for me to, but it seemed ackward to move after I was already sitting etc.

Whole thing is a bit ackward really, which is the problem.

She has been saying she appreciates me, is so happy she has me in her and her daughters life etc for awhile now though, so even someone as clueless as me is finally starting to (I think) understand what she is saying lol.

Problem really is I don't want to push things, but at the same time I don't want to seem disinterested so she gives up and decides we are just going to be friends/roomates or something. It's tricky, but hopefully it will work out.
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Didn't your wife just pass away? Like I know everyone grieves differently but this still seems too soon imo.

This is by far the biggest mistake you could make.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDj-cLnHrRQ
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knew it.

why are you doing this
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Go_Totodile posted...

Didn't your wife just pass away? Like I know everyone grieves differently but this still seems too soon imo.

It's been over 3 months and it was 6 months before that in the hospital etc. I started tentatively (not having much luck) dating about a month ago or so. I tried Craigslist which was....crazy town for dating, and met a few from there (nobody sane), then tried Plenty of Fish but never ended up meeting anyone and closed my account a week ago or so. Few seemed ok from there, but nobody with similar interests etc.

I'm not that young and certainly would like to have someone who I can share my life with. I loved my wife, made her happy and spent tons of time with her, but she's been sick/bed bound since 2010, so it's been a long time since we were romantic etc. I'm way passed due for having some of that in my life again.

It would be easy to just give up and go on without it, I'm certainly used to it at this point, but it's worth a shot at more.
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Jen0125 posted...

knew it.

why are you doing this

Well, I don't think it's a bad idea, if she wants a closer relationship and I do as well. I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing to be honest. Your gonna get me second guessing myself lol.

I just figure if we are already doing so much together, we might as well see how well we work out the rest of the way. If it doesn't work we can still just be friends/roomates, but if it does, we could both be much happier.

Still confusing/scary though....grrr.......but I figure if I just cut back on the whole friendship/roomate stuff, things will work themselves out.
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The way I see it, shortly after dating her she will probably stop being a roommate and start being a live in girlfriend, at which point she could decide to stop paying rent and it would be pretty hard to get rid of her if things didn't work out

It seems risky. I know you tried craigslist from what you posted a while back, have you tried any of the dating sites?
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wolfy42 posted...

She also invites me into her room to talk while she is in bed etc (she wears cute pj's)

Wait, what? What's so special about her pj's?
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Mead posted...

The way I see it, shortly after dating her she will probably stop being a roommate and start being a live in girlfriend, at which point she could decide to stop paying rent and it would be pretty hard to get rid of her if things didn't work out

It seems risky. I know you tried craigslist from what you posted a while back, have you tried any of the dating sites?

I thought about this some, but here is the thing.

I have 2 bedrooms upstairs I'm just using as storage, along with another bathroom. She is renting the whole downstairs right now.

If she did become a girlfriend and we actually shared my bedroom, I would probably eventually talk to her about just moving upstairs with me (using one of the other bedrooms for her daughter), and then I would rent out the downstairs again, to someone else.

So it's not really a loss at all. I totally trust that she would help with expenses etc (She already does while paying rent and half utilities). She has a Goverment job so she is not hurting for money etc. Hardest time she had finacially was a month or so ago when she had to get her car fixed etc (I lent her a small amount of money, which she has already paid back), and she has even offered extra money I never asked for to help pay for groceries etc.

So I don't see a real negative here at all, I'm totally fine with her moving up here with me eventually, and if that happens we can just rent the downstairs to someone else (it's basically a full apartment).

I did try Plenty of Fish, and yes, I could try dating someone who does not live here, but....we do get along great, I really like her daughter, and it's like most of the dating parts (Getting to know someone, seeing if you mesh well etc) have already been done.

Still a bit on the fence here, not about wanting to spend more time with her/have a relationship, but if this is a good idea since we live together etc. Don't want to mess up what we already have (which is working great), but I can see the potential for much more, which would be a real shame to miss out on because I didn't want to take a chance.
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Smarkil posted...

wolfy42 posted...

She also invites me into her room to talk while she is in bed etc (she wears cute pj's)

Wait, what? What's so special about her pj's?

They are white with lots of different color cute ducks on them? I don't know....I guess they are cute because she is in them?

I mean, they are just cute. Not like I have seen tons of people in pj's before. I don't even wear them (just a robe in general). So yeah, they are cute because they are pjs I guess.
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don't you think you should spend at least a little time mourning your wife?

it just strikes me as so weird that you're already trying to date.

i get that she was sick for a while and she died a few months ago but weren't you together for like 10 years?
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That's when I got in a fight and my mom got scared
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Huh. Honestly if my wife died I'd seriously consider checking out myself. I'm glad you're able to keep going on with life and move forward. I do think dating your roommate is a terrible idea, though. If she explicitly, without question, comes on to you? Maybe. But seriously it just sounds like a mess waiting to happen.

Jen0125 posted...

don't you think you should spend at least a little time mourning your wife?

it just strikes me as so weird that you're already trying to date.

I'm still sad about it and miss her sometimes, but I was her caregiver for a decade, and while I miss her, it wasn't a romantic relationship for a very long time. She was also out of it for much of the last 6 months before she passed (not even able to communicate).

I think my roomate is being very tentative as well because of similar reasons. It is still hard not to have someone in my life that I know/knows me as well as me and my wife knew each other. Things like the show Brain Dead being canceled still make me think about her (we loved that show), or watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (she was so looking forward to that) movie.

That being said, it's really been 7 months since she was home and healthy etc. That may not seem like along time, but It's also been almost 2 years since my family went from 4 (my best friend/his wife/linda) to just Linda and me. Basically went from having a full family I took care of, to just me about 7 months ago, which is a huge change.

I've gotten used to it, but I would really like to have someone that I share my life with, do things with, I want to travel etc (now that I can) but want to do that with someone else.

I already have the homebody stuff down with my roomate, we mesh well, enjoy watching shows together, take care of her daughter well together etc. We eat dinner often etc. It makes sense to me that we take the next step and see if we are compatible in other ways as well. If so, we could both be much happier I think.
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idk i don't think filling the void with your roommate is going to help you. you seem to need to learn to live on your own without having to "care" for someone. you should talk to a counselor.
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SushiSquid posted...

Huh. Honestly if my wife died I'd seriously consider checking out myself. I'm glad you're able to keep going on with life and move forward. I do think dating your roommate is a terrible idea, though. If she explicitly, without question, comes on to you? Maybe. But seriously it just sounds like a mess waiting to happen.

Yeah, sigh, I'm worried about that as well, and even though I "Think" she has shown signs etc....what if I'm wrong.

This is making me want to take it a bit slower, perhaps see if she makes any other suggestions for snuggling etc, and make sure I jump on them if she does. Was going to make a similar suggestion and see where it went, but perhaps I should let her take that step. Just hope she doesn't think I'm not interested since I didn't take her up on it last night.
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I'm out

Yeah so many people called this.

Don't push your luck is all I gotta say. You are her landlord and she has a child. Keep shit as kosher as you can on your end.

There's nothing special to read into her talking to you while she's ready for bed. She lives there.
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Jen0125 posted...

idk i don't think filling the void with your roommate is going to help you. you seem to need to learn to live on your own without having to "care" for someone. you should talk to a counselor.

Ugh, I know your right. That was one of the main things I was trying to avoid. I have taken care of someone my whole life, and I don't want to get stuck in a situation where I am taking care of someone again. One of the big things that kinda made me think I should move forward was her offering money for groceries even though I never asked etc, she isn't just relying on me/taking advantage of me, but is an active supporter, offering to help with costs, work etc.

That is VERY different then my wife (who was happy to let me take care of her). I have a tendency to try and help everyone even if I can't afford it or don't have the energy etc to deal with it.

She has turned down help I have offered her, paid back money sooner then I asked, and offered to pay for things I didn't ask her to etc. She has not taken advantage of me even though she could have, which is refreshing and ...well awesome.

So there are alot of good things about her. She is also a great mother, she has a sense of humor and fun, she is hard working and responsible, and she can take care of herself (She doesn't need me to rescue her all the time etc).

I think we could be really good together, but the whole figuring that out, could be tricky. If we didn't live together it would be much easier lol.
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RCtheWSBC posted...

Yeah so many people called this.

Don't push your luck is all I gotta say. You are her landlord and she has a child. Keep shit as kosher as you can on your end.

There's nothing special to read into her talking to you while she's ready for bed. She lives there.

Blah, your right about the landlord thing. That is the real tricky thing......sigh. Well if she makes obvious suggestions etc, I will be open to them, but yeah, I can't make a "move" towards a relationship if I'm in a position of authority, that is just ick.

Thanks for helping me think through this. It might still happen, but I'm gonna let it progress on her terms/time frame, and not make any suggestions etc. The whole time crunch (as her daughter will be here on Sunday) is annoying but it's better to wait then move forward and make things ackward.
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Sounds like a safe plan!
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Look man, at this point dating I think is fine. You and your wife didn't have the same relationship you had whenever you met, and so you've already moved on from that. It's understandable.

But dating your roommate is sketchy as fuck. Go talk to a therapist and let them get to know the situation. Don't push it with the roommate until you have that sorted out.

In the meantime, just accidentally walk in on her in the shower and shit. Gotta know what she looks like naked before you commit.
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Jen0125 posted...

don't you think you should spend at least a little time mourning your wife?

well you gotta remember that his wife was always in a rehab facility, so he was essentially a bachelor. it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to start thinking you're sort of single at that point.

that opens a big can of worms though, with that type of thinking.
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Smarkil posted...

Look man, at this point dating I think is fine. You and your wife didn't have the same relationship you had whenever you met, and so you've already moved on from that. It's understandable.

But dating your roommate is sketchy as fuck. Go talk to a therapist and let them get to know the situation. Don't push it with the roommate until you have that sorted out.

In the meantime, just accidentally walk in on her in the shower and shit. Gotta know what she looks like naked before you commit.

Lol. Yeah, not gonna do the bathroom thing hehe, she has her own bathroom downstairs. She is also way better looking then me. She did seem almost possessive of me yesterday when talking to a neighbor and laughed when the neighbor asked if "This was permanent" as far as her living here.

I'm just gonna hold off on making any sudden decisions. I don't like therapists etc, I saw one after my wife passed away but she did nothing for me (just had me talk which got old fast).

I'm doing pretty good over all, have my life moving forward etc. I don't NEED someone in my life, but I do want to start moving forward and traveling etc, and I would like to find someone before I do that (although I guess I could always meet someone while traveling/white water rafting etc).

Still wouldn't it be nice if I already had?
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wolfy42 posted...

when the neighbor asked if "This was permanent" as far as her living here.

Everyone thinks you're already fucking.
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I get over death pretty easily, but I never forget what the person meant to me. It's too complex a subject to project one's own process. I do not blame him for wanting to move on. Being anyone's caregiver for 10 years would change the dynamic of the relationship for almost everybody.

I don't know how long it has been in this case, but I think a month is enough depending on the circumstances to move on with a clear head as long as you're confronting it during that time when it ends like this. It was a long time coming.
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