Current Events > Caught my husband on the phone with another woman last night

(+) Yeah! (+)

Context, we nearly divorced years ago when in 2017 I found out he was sexting another woman and secretly going to strip clubs (and also texting his favorite stripper there to find out which days she was working and complimenting her and shit). I had no evidence of anything physical occurring and he swore up and down it was because he was depressed and sought external validation but would never act on anything. He put in a lot of work and we went to therapy, etc. I chose to forgive him. It took years for us but things did get better and he was transparent with everything to help regain my trust.

We sleep in separate rooms because he snores badly from sleep apnea and doesnt like the machine (its fine I get much better sleep this way). Last night I went to his room to grab my laptop when I overheard him on the phone speaking with a woman. It sounded like work stuff so I wanted to give him the benefit of a doubt and walked in. He immediately hung up on her. I got suspicious of course and demanded his phone. Well he fucking quickly deleted everything before handing it to me. Now he is swearing up and down that there is nothing between them. Maybe some light flirtation and banter. That she is in a different state, married, has a kid and they just vent to each other about work stuff. Well I have no way of validating anything because he deleted it all. So of course I am thinking the worst now but this time around we have a 2 year old that adores him. But I dont know how we can move past this again. He wants us to do therapy again and work on things but I also just feel done by it all. And they work together and communicate and projects so how the hell can I be ok with this?

Time for a divorce. No shame in it. Itll probably make both of you better individual parents.

https://youtu.be/oftolPu9qp4

He told on himself the moment he deleted all of it. If there was nothing there, there'd be no point in a cover-up.

That's several red flags at once, sadly. Why delete it all if it would prove his innocence?

Sorry you have to go through this.

EmilyTheCEman posted...

Time for a divorce. No shame in it. Itll probably make both of you better individual parents.

yeah this

lots of kids grow up great with separated parents. Better than a household with parents that fight all the time/dont trust each other

Sorry to hear this Cleo, I've liked you as a poster for years and it sucks knowing you're in this spot now

Oh, damn.

In any case I'd consult with a lawyer just to know your options, and consider seeing a therapist depending on how this plays out.

Damn. Doesn't sound good.

I will say, please don't stay together just for the sake of your kid. It won't help you or him in the long term.

Everyone on Internet forums just tells you the answer is divorce to everything. But Im in the same boat you are(married with a new kid)(not the incident youre in). So its just a matter if youre done or not. Can you work through it? Is it this the last straw? Etc..

I'd be out the door.

Cleo_II posted...

Well he fucking quickly deleted everything before handing it to me. Now he is swearing up and down that there is nothing between them. Maybe some light flirtation and banter.

yikes

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like a very shitty situation. And he definitely had something to hide.

The thought of having to split custody of my daughter and missing precious time with her while this young destroys me inside.

You deserve better. Not even trying to demonize the guy, but it may just be that youve grown apart in a way that both of you would benefit from moving on. You dont want to live the rest of your life worried about this and theres someone out there for both of you. Its easy for all of us to say to move on because we arent involved, but it sounds like youve been trying for some time now.

TheGoldenEel posted...

yeah this

lots of kids grow up great with separated parents. Better than a household with parents that fight all the time/dont trust each other

This. My sister is going through one and my nephews are honestly much happier now they don't have to deal with their parents fighting and their mum so stressed.

Not sure they really get it as they just see it as 'having sleepovers at daddy's' though but they were much more subdued and on edge all the time.

Very sorry to hear this. It's definitely shady. Especially since he's been caught before years ago. When I saw the topic title, I was hoping it was going to be light joke and that it was gonna be completely work related or something. Hate that this is a serious topic and that you are going through this.

At the end of the day, even if you were willing to forgive him, again, he isn't an honest person. He will do it again, and he will try to do it behind your back. So either you accept that is the relationship you want to have, or you move on.

that really sucks.

I've never been married, so I can't imagine how it feels on that level, but when you start to doubt your partner, it starts to strip away at the rest of your relationship.

and it seems like he's only giving you reasons to doubt him.

therapy can help, but idk what he can do to fully earn back your trust.

Is she cute?

Honestly its much more damaging for a child to grow up in a household with a toxic relationship because that is going to be what he learns from. IDK your situation so IDK how feasable it is for you to part ways but its very unlikely for his behavior to change especially if hes just let off the hook over and over again and I personally would part ways.

EmilyTheCEman posted...

Time for a divorce. No shame in it. Itll probably make both of you better individual parents.

Yeah.

It's always weird telling someone to end their relationship, especially coming from someone who has never been in a seriously committed one, but like... it does kind of sound that way from your past posts/topics about this. :(

Cleo_II posted...

The thought of having to split custody of my daughter and missing precious time with her while this young destroys me inside.

That's not your fault

Just based on past posts over the years, this guy's always sounded like he kind of sucks.

It really is a shitty situation that you already have kids with him.

I've never been in your situation so I don't know how I can help, all i can do is to wish you all the best.

Wow Cleo, I am so sorry. I feel like him rushing to delete messages is validation enough. Just not enough for the courts if it comes to that. It doesn't matter if those texts are sexual, venting about you, or whatever. If it's worth him hiding it from you then it's something he thinks he shouldn't be doing.

Imo light flirtation is enough of a deal breaker. The only flirtation that should be happening on his part is with you...his wife. The fact that he immedietly jumped to suggesting therapy again comes off as him realizing he was caught doing something he knows is wrong(whatever that may entail) and that spending some time talking about his insecurities will just hand wave the indecent actions away.

Meant to add in my post earlier: definitely seek INDIVIDUAL therapy for yourself if you're not doing so already. It's not your fault you're in this situation at all, but it's on you to seek professional help to best navigate it

__aCEr__ posted...

Just based on past posts over the years, this guy's always sounded like he kind of sucks.

Yeah this too

Will_VIIII posted...

That's not your fault

It's more so that she is going to hate missing so much time and seeing less of her daughter, not that she blames herself for anything.

I'm so sorry your husband did this. It's ok if this is your breaking point. You deserve a partner that doesn't cheat on you like that.

Dakimakura posted...

Is she cute?

Bruh

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Some of us read the OP before posting tbh

He doesnt care about your marriage. Why should you?

Damn Cleo. I'm so sorry. :(

TheGoldenEel posted...

yeah this

lots of kids grow up great with separated parents. Better than a household with parents that fight all the time/dont trust each other

The thing is we dont fight much. Weve had periods of downs that we worked through like typical marriages. A few months back he was being snappy and short with me all the time to the point that I almost packed my bags but then he worked on things. The last few weeks hes been so nice to me, taking me out on dates and doing little things for me. He stopped being grumpy all the time. I thought that was him working on our marriage but timing seems to match when he started communicating with his coworker. So maybe he was just feeling fulfilled by that and became nicer to me but had nothing to do with him caring about our marriage. Makes me feel so shitty inside.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Divorce sucks, but kids growing up with parents who dislike one another and argue is damaging as well.

There is no easy answer but constant 'therapy' so cheater can 'redeem' themselves only enables said cheater ultimately.

Time to go. That is some bullshit . No should have to deal with that.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/8/6/AAYZyTAAEkSC.jpg

I don't know, I hope things get better. I do feel that the internet rushes to "just divorce" too quickly, but I don't know if things will get better either. This seems like an unfortunate pattern :/