Current Events > Caught my husband on the phone with another woman last night

(+) Yeah! (+)

MrResetti posted...

Lmao @ everyone just jumping straight to "yeah leave him." Like it's that fucking easy or simple. Kids complicate everything more than y'all probably can comprehend

No one claimed it would be easy or simple.

MrResetti posted...

Lmao @ everyone just jumping straight to "yeah leave him." Like it's that fucking easy or simple. Kids complicate everything more than y'all probably can comprehend

No one said it's easy. I've seen how divorce destroys people, but she probably will have to end this marriage if her husband is like this.

Cleo_II posted...

The thought of having to split custody of my daughter and missing precious time with her while this young destroys me inside.

If it is something you're ok with, you could separate without separating. That way your kid still grows up with both parents for the most important years and then when she is old enough separate fully. Have rules like no dates or new S/O's to the house ever. Not very traditional, but it at least presents the idea that she grows up around both parents.

Cleo_II posted...

If she wasnt in the picture I would not be here.

There's your answer.

Get a lawyer and get out. Plenty of people are here saying it's better for the kid to grow up with separated happy parents vs. together miserable parents.

This isn't a case like people are saying where "the internet's first answer is divorce." You've been unhappy since 2017. It's not like this is the first incident. There are several flags and smoking guns over several years. If this was incident #1 and the internet went straight to divorce, then yeah that would be jumping the gun.

Also IMO the sharing a bed thing gets way too much weight. Sleep gets way too jumbled with love. I'm fortunate because my girlfriend and I are perfect for each other and sleep well together in the same bed, but if someone's perfect except they snore a lot and offer to move rooms for sleep only, why is that so damning? That's just a minor digression of course and shouldn't factor into this specific case, just a personal take.

I haven't read everything past the first post, but everytime you post about your husband, I think you can do much better. To be blunt, he sounds like a shitty husband and you seem pretty awesome.

Normally Id say this is an ignorance is bliss scenario and its just a time a partner feels the need to capitalize on a little outside attention for kicks or validation. Innocent ultimately but emotionally damaging when the other partner gets exposed to it. But the history of sexting and cheating definitely changes things here. He clearly has intentions and goals that piss on his commitment to you and go outside the bounds of occasional banter.

Ultimately, I'm not one to advocate snooping, but if you do want to wait, it's only a matter of time before he does start texting this person again.

Maybe a week or two, it might be worth checking his phone if you want to go down that route.

Sorry if that comes across kinda snoopy, though.

Cleo_II posted...

Context, we nearly divorced years ago when in 2017 I found out he was sexting another woman and secretly going to strip clubs

Should have divorced then. You missed your chance.

Literally the first sentence in the OP lol

Sounds like its your fault tbh

Haven't read all the topic but sorry TC.

If you are willing to stay together in a marriage filled with lies and cheating for your daughter, that is all on you. Dont stay hoping you can change your husband or he will be different.

I just remember you from your pictures of your house and view. How would a separation work?

Don't forgive him again.
You're a saint for being willing to forgive him the first time.

it's just a troll who dug up an old account to try to hurt someone

I agree you should probably leave him.

But also, there's nothing wrong or suspicious about sleeping in separate beds. I literally cannot sleep in the same bed as someone. I just can't get comfortable. I'm not wired that way.

Hes of course apologizing and telling me he wants to work on things and is promising to go to therapy to work out his shit and wants to do marriage therapy again too. That he wants to be better as a husband and learn why hes so emotionally closed off and doing this stuff. Hes recognized that he even has a hard time saying the words I love you to our daughter and wants to learn why hes like that and get better for her sake as well. I dont know if I have the energy for it anymore though.

I think you know, but I am divorced and while the kids were upset at first, they are just fine now. In addition, they get to see me and my fiance be all nice and cuddly with each other, when they definitely just saw negativity between me and my ex wife. That is really damaging to see that, more than a divorce IMO. They can learn that things can be better.

Cleo_II posted...

Hes of course apologizing and telling me he wants to work on things and is promising to go to therapy to work out his shit and wants to do marriage therapy again too. That he wants to be better as a husband and learn why hes so emotionally closed off and doing this stuff. Hes recognized that he even has a hard time saying the words I love you to our daughter and wants to learn why hes like that and get better for her sake as well. I dont know if I have the energy for it anymore though.

Sure he'll say those things again the next time he gets bored and does it again.

Phenomenal_one posted...

Sounds like its your fault tbh

fuck off

Cleo_II posted...

Hes of course apologizing and telling me he wants to work on things and is promising to go to therapy to work out his shit and wants to do marriage therapy again too. That he wants to be better as a husband and learn why hes so emotionally closed off and doing this stuff. Hes recognized that he even has a hard time saying the words I love you to our daughter and wants to learn why hes like that and get better for her sake as well. I dont know if I have the energy for it anymore though.

Why is he even communicating in any romantic way with any other women when he has you?

That's the bigger issue.

If he can't talk to you, about everything, then why is he seeking these romantic/sexual things with other women?

The fact that he's hiding shit speaks volumes.

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

Disingenuous post

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

also chiming in to say this post is some bullshit

Do not speak to a lawyer. Speak to your friends, speak here, but I think it's terrible advice to run straight to a lawyer. They'll just see dollar signs and do everything they can to make it all as messy as possible.

You don't have to rush to do anything at all. Take it easy on yourself.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

If you signed on the dotted line to be in a marriage, YOUR ENTIRE FOCUS is supposed to be on your SO [Significant Other(s)].
Hey some people belive and participate in Polygamy, so we need to include them.

But at the end of the day, you signed on that marriage certificate, so you're supposed to be in the marriage until the day you die or divorce.

So why even bother signing on the dotted line if you aren't committed to the relationship?

If he wanted to flirt around with other women and sleep around, why should be bother getting married and having a kid with Cleo?

When you go so far as to bring a life into this world with somebody else, you should be dedicating the rest of your life to them and the kid.

Otherwise, why bother?

What's your motive?

Are you trying to eat your cake and have it too?

Because that will ALWAYS end up in failure.

Phenomenal_one posted...

This is a very common mindset of habitual cheaters: "It's not my fault for cheating. I was not feeling validated. The other person made me feel special in ways you never would. That person was there for me when you wouldn't be."

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here

So you don't need to try. I see...

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

The fuck is wrong with you?

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

Shut the fuck up.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

Disgusting post

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here, but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

have you tried finding out what he wants, exactly? does he want a family with other women? does he want to sleep with other women? or does it just make his ego better because he realizes that other women still think he's desirable?

i get that your life and parents affect how you view things and what you want, and i'm sure you know this because you married the guy, but he's a whole different person with a whole different life. certain things may mean differently to him. i think figuring out what he wants is key here, and then figuring out if you can be ok with that is probably the next step.

So I guess we know who was a cheater in a prior relationship...

MrResetti posted...

Lmao @ everyone just jumping straight to "yeah leave him." Like it's that fucking easy or simple. Kids complicate everything more than y'all probably can comprehend

Again, as an attorney that practices family law, this is the most frustrating thing to hear.

Staying married just for the sake of the children is never a good idea. Never. Kids are far smarter than most parents realize. They pick up on social cues that parents assume they won't. When you're in an unhappy marriage, kids pick up on this no matter how careful you try to be. I've heard testimony of children that is more insightful than any parent would ever believe is possible.

Divorce is hard on children, yes, but being in a household where the parents don't love each other or don't want to be together is so much harder. Children that live in married but broken families have it so much worse than children whose parents simply divorce.

What he wants, what he believes and what he can do are so different. He probably does want and believe in what he told Cleo, but can he actually do it, or will he always slip? It already takes a lot of work to fix a broken marriage, but for it then to break again?

Marriage isn't a game your husband can play where they see how far they cross the line before you tell them no. He promised to be committed to you, but he keeps trying to play these games, even if they are just flirting, where he doesn't have to be fully committed.

As I said, I think people online say "divorce!" way too quickly, but if a child is the only thing keeping you with him, I think it's sounding like your relationship is already over.

I would say to forgive him and go through counseling with him and try every possible option before doing a divorce.

Ninjaluver posted...

Again, as an attorney that practices family law, this is the most frustrating thing to hear.

Staying married just for the sake of the children is never a good idea. Never. Kids are far smarter than most parents realize. They pick up on social cues that parents assume they won't. When you're in an unhappy marriage, kids pick up on this no matter how careful you try to be. I've heard testimony of children that is more insightful than any parent would ever believe is possible.

Divorce is hard on children, yes, but being in a household where the parents don't love each other or don't want to be together is so much harder. Children that live in married but broken families have it so much worse than children whose parents simply divorce.

Yes!

MyBirthRight posted...

I would say to forgive him and go through counseling with him and try every possible option before doing a divorce.

Your awful posting history on ANYTHING related to relationships makes this advice seem even worse than it maybe otherwise would be.

bsp77 posted...

Your awful posting history on ANYTHING related to relationships makes this advice seem even worse than it maybe otherwise would be.

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance

No they dont

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance

he got his, this would be a 3rd

This must be the part of the topic where the trolls come shuffling out of the woodwork

Despised posted...

No they dont

Yeah, not always

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance

Anyway, this would be a 3rd. And based on the other awful things he does and says (unrelated to cheating), it really is more than that.

Cleo_II posted...

Well he fucking quickly deleted everything before handing it to me.

Yeah, that was extremely suspicious on his part. If it was truly innocent then he would have had nothing to hide.

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance

He did, and he got it.
He wont change.

Mods should just lock this topic as some of the responses are just abhorrent and I don't see this topic improving.

TC was just looking to vent.

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves another chance

This is his second chance. His first chance was blown in 2017.

Yeah it'd probably be for the best overall if you left him. You have to think about yourself as well and none of it is fair to you. If it continues it's just going to create an even greater disconnect and make yourself feel worse

Especially if he's had issues in the past and it'll just make it worse if it happens after this.