Current Events > Caught my husband on the phone with another woman last night

(+) Yeah! (+)

VirtuousWrath posted...

Mods should just lock this topic as some of the responses are just abhorrent and I don't see this topic improving.

TC was just looking to vent.

The mods should do whatever Cleo wants. If she doesn't want it locked, then why are you getting involved?

The majority of responses are fine btw.

bsp77 posted...

I haven't read everything past the first post, but everytime you post about your husband, I think you can do much better. To be blunt, he sounds like a shitty husband and you seem pretty awesome.

"I caught my wife constantly complaining about me and posting selfies to desperate men online for years"

Cleo_II posted...

Hes of course apologizing and telling me he wants to work on things and is promising to go to therapy to work out his shit and wants to do marriage therapy again too. That he wants to be better as a husband and learn why hes so emotionally closed off and doing this stuff. Hes recognized that he even has a hard time saying the words I love you to our daughter and wants to learn why hes like that and get better for her sake as well. I dont know if I have the energy for it anymore though.

Nah I think enough is enough. That last but is very worrying

Is he a high value man?

Sounds like they have no remorse

foreverzero212 posted...

"I caught my wife constantly complaining about me and posting selfies to desperate men online for years"

this says more about you than anything else if you think posting selfies is inherently sexual or something.

reeks of a dude that lacks basic social interaction

Zeeak4444 posted...

this says more about you than anything else if you think posting selfies is inherently sexual or something.

reeks of a dude that lacks basic social interaction

Username lol

Everyone finds out in time what they will and will not endure; what they are and are not prepared to lose.

TC is right to be angry. She'll work out what's best for her and her child.

Frequenting and sexting with strippers? Seems that second chance was hardly earned.

Anyway, I understand how after a kid is born there are marital problems brewing since most of the time available is now spent on the kid instead of each other. This usually mean less frequent or non existent sex which we men childishly tend to recent and take it hard.

Ive had this problem with my wife for 5 1/2 years now (age of kid) and weve been to therapy. It just becomes a series of ups and downs. Ive thought about cheating on her, but its my conscience and guilt that doesnt let me. I also spoke with a co worker at night through texts and calls since my wife goes to bed very early. That girl was pretty crazy so I aborted mission before it began.

But...I know deep inside me, that no matter how much I love my wife, we're not meant for each other and if it wasnt for the kid/house/money we would be separated. Then I think about all the lifestyle we can afford together and what we can do for our kid and it makes me...complacent staying like this.

Therapists tend to say do whats best for you, cause the kids willl grow up and as long as both of you are active participants in your girls life, she will turn out all right. They also say better to do it while theyre young.

Im still stuck in this and probably will be for a while unless we both make much more money. We do okay as it is, but we couldnt afford the same lifestyle by ourselves....specially me since Id have to pay S. Support and whos got rent and living money after that?

As someone who went something sorta similar (tl;dr: my fiancee cheated on me and literally begged for forgiveness/a second chance):

There is no saving this. You will feel no vindication for confirmation of the cheating. You will never be able to quell the anxiety of wondering. I've been there. It eats at your soul and you aren't happy. The relationship is like a broken vase: you can try to glue it back together, but it'll never be as strong as it was before and you likely won't even realize that you've permanently lost some of the pieces.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. There's nothing worse than someone fracturing trust in a relationship when you both have kids relying upon you.

Trust takes so much more time to build up than it does to lose, and rebuilt trust doesn't get rebuilt a second time, it just crumbles to dust.

He says its no big deal but then launches into wanting to go to therapy and counseling because of it

I think youre just seeing the tip of the iceberg here and either he has a lot of issues going on or hes just saying whatever he can to appease you.

I dont think I wouldve had the mercy to forgive someone for playing around behind my back the first time, and to do it again after being spared once is pretty despicable and I wouldnt be able to see that person the same way ever again.

I came in here thinking this was some Captain Pineapple-type joke topic until I saw the username and realized it belong to an actual good poster.

I'm so sorry to hear that, TC :(

Not only will he continue to do this, it'll get much worse. Honestly probably better for both you and your kid if you separated.

Sorry to hear TC, you definitely deserve better. I wouldn't be surprised by the sound of things if he has more skeletons in his closet.

I forgave my ex girlfriend for cheating on me three times. Then she cheated on me a fourth time and I noped out.

Once is too much, even if it's not outright sex... but a second chance is understandable. A third chance is asking too much and I think he's always going to secretly look for his thrills and personal validation in ways that disrespect you.

See it for what it is and cut him loose. Losing time with your child is an unhappy consequence, but you'll be a lot less happy trying to endure a broken marriage.

And, as others have said, kids are smart and they know when a marriage is unhappy. I knew my parents were unhappy when I was 5 years old and they argued all the time when they thought I wasn't listening.

I've only read the opening post because it's probably safe to assume the rest of the topic is a dumpster fire.

I have a three year old daughter and a 10 month old daughter. I can't imagine even risking that for potential pain like this never mind being put into that situation because my trust was broken and taken advantage of. Those kids deserve better.

I don't have any advice for you but I know that it must fucking suck. All you can do is trust your gut and instincts.

mercurydude posted...

He told on himself the moment he deleted all of it. If there was nothing there, there'd be no point in a cover-up.

This.

My advice to not take any relationship advice for Current Events.

Sorry that you're going through tough times though

MyBirthRight posted...

Everyone deserves another chance

And he had his, after they almost divorced in 2017.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

not trying to be the evil one here,

Congratulations, you failed miserably.

but it sounds like you don't know what he wants. it sounds like you know what you want, and what you won't allow, and what your selfish goals are in all of this, but you don't seem to know anything about him and what he wants.

Yeah, you're on the cheater's side. Fuck all the way off, and then fuck even more off with the blame shifting and gaslighting.

Will_VIIII posted...

Username lol

Clearly missing a letter "a" between the r and z.

Zeeak4444 posted...

this says more about you than anything else if you think posting selfies is inherently sexual or something.

reeks of a dude that lacks basic social interaction

The only issue was the context, not the selfies. Posting them to a community that self identifies as desperate for which you constantly use to complain about your husband, talk about work trips away from him where hot guys at bars flirt with you and get their number, etc.

Just pointing out why CE likely isn't the healthiest outlet for opinions/validation/relationship advice. We got people unironically saying "every time you post your husband sounds bad and you sound awesome :)" as their way of being supportive. And obv none of this absolves anything about this dude from what sounds really bad.

Ninjaluver posted...

Again, as an attorney that practices family law, this is the most frustrating thing to hear.

Staying married just for the sake of the children is never a good idea. Never. Kids are far smarter than most parents realize. They pick up on social cues that parents assume they won't. When you're in an unhappy marriage, kids pick up on this no matter how careful you try to be. I've heard testimony of children that is more insightful than any parent would ever believe is possible.

Divorce is hard on children, yes, but being in a household where the parents don't love each other or don't want to be together is so much harder. Children that live in married but broken families have it so much worse than children whose parents simply divorce.

I don't see it mentioned anywhere that it's a loveless marriage

MrResetti posted...

Lmao @ everyone just jumping straight to "yeah leave him." Like it's that fucking easy or simple. Kids complicate everything more than y'all probably can comprehend

While true, what ninja said on page 2 is absolutely correct. Divorce may harm children in the short term, but it is devastating to them long term. Kids are smart and will pick up on changes in family dynamics. If Cleo stays, shes committing to keeping up this act for an extended period of time.

MrResetti posted...

I don't see it mentioned anywhere that it's a loveless marriage

But we did see he's a divorce attorney.

mybbqrules posted...

Yeah, you're on the cheater's side. Fuck all the way off, and then fuck even more off with the blame shifting and gaslighting.

don't misunderstand. she herself said that she has selfish goals of putting up with the husband's behavior just so she can be with her daughter, aka, her selfish goals. she's very clear on what she wants. that's my point.

additionally, the other point is that it doesn't seem clear what he wants. we're getting half of the story. we don't know what he wants. does he even want to be married to her? is there even anything to fix? the husband seems okay with the daughter but not with having a 100% committed relationship.

people will like what they like, and they shouldn't be afraid of it. if the dude likes to visit stripclubs, why would he get married to someone that doesn't want him to visit stripclubs? because someone wasn't honest, either to themselves or to each other. these are things you should find out.

This is why you don't get married and realize love is a lie, kids.

NO ONE can be trusted.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

don't misunderstand. she herself said that she has selfish goals of putting up with the husband's behavior just so she can be with her daughter, aka, her selfish goals. she's very clear on what she wants. that's my point.

That's not selfish behaviour at all. That's worrying about the kid and changing the current status quo.

Kids make this stuff significantly more complicated.

GuerrillaSoldier posted...

additionally, the other point is that it doesn't seem clear what he wants. we're getting half of the story. we don't know what he wants. does he even want to be married to her? is there even anything to fix? the husband seems okay with the daughter but not with having a 100% committed relationship.

people will like what they like, and they shouldn't be afraid of it. if the dude likes to visit stripclubs, why would he get married to someone that doesn't want him to visit stripclubs? because someone wasn't honest, either to themselves or to each other. these are things you should find out.

It's on him to make his wants and needs clear. Not sneaking around his wife's back messaging other women and being dishonest. When he gets caught he wants to go to marriage counselling to solve his own issues. Sounds like to me it's obvious who isn't being honest.

Burn em to the ground

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

If you're finding social context difficult and can't combine it with the other details, I'm not sure how to explain it better. But the selfies are by far the least of the issue, you can even forget that part if it causes you to get stuck.

yemmy posted...

My advice to not take any relationship advice for Current Events.

Posting it on r/TwoXChromosomes would lead to the advice of divorce as well.

Cleo_II posted...

Hes of course apologizing and telling me he wants to work on things and is promising to go to therapy to work out his shit and wants to do marriage therapy again too. That he wants to be better as a husband and learn why hes so emotionally closed off and doing this stuff. Hes recognized that he even has a hard time saying the words I love you to our daughter and wants to learn why hes like that and get better for her sake as well. I dont know if I have the energy for it anymore though.

How can he have difficulty save I love you to his kid? My husband and I say it to our kids every day and they are teens now. Staying with a guy that cant even do is not worth it. Its not healthy and is the recipe for your daughter to develop daddy issues down the line.

Kinda fucked. Going back to therapy could be beneficial tho. I wouldn't pay for it make his ass pay for it. I will say, going thro this again is unsat and honestly any privacy he has should be revoked.

Fuck tradition, if you got options suggest being open. Marriage is only defined between you two.

The question falls back on can you find it in yourself to trust the guy again? If not, keep it moving. If yes, go to therapy. If yes, with options be open.

Overall your feelings are valid and nobody can fault you for not trusting the dude again.
Don't bitter yourself over someone else's faults.

foreverzero212 posted...

Just pointing out why CE likely isn't the healthiest outlet for opinions/validation/relationship advice. We got people unironically saying "every time you post your husband sounds bad and you sound awesome :)" as their way of being supportive. And obv none of this absolves anything about this dude from what sounds really bad.

Yeah, that was me. I have seen multiple threads from her and even with narrative bias, it is obvious something is wrong. I stand by what I said. I am not simping. I am engaged and prior to that had zero issue getting dates. Get the fuck out of here with your assumptions.

I am just as supportive to men who need support.

i don't have anything to help with but damn that sounds pretty shitty

seems like he doesn't have the emotional maturity for marriage. someone repeatedly cheating (emotional cheating is cheating and clearly both parties view this as cheating based on both of their reactions). ultimately you have to make the decision as to whether or not it is worth it to you to be in a marriage with that kinda person. no one else's advice is important here, it has to and will ultimately come down to whether or not sacrificing your own happiness is worth staying in that kinda marriage.

divorce can be brutal for kids for sure but a two year old will be much less effected long term than a 10 year old or teenager would be by the actual separation.

if you think it is something you can get past and eventually find happiness in the relationship again that is something to consider, but if the past cheating caused damage that still effects you it would also be something to consider that this repeated instance of cheating will compound that and make trust even harder.

I'm also one for the outlook that the ugly process of divorce (not to be spoken of lightly at all) is a forward direction in big picture. You really do have to look forward. There's always something to regret or second guess about decisions, but the priority is your future, as well as your kid's. He's not in that picture anymore.

I know someone who had to make the hard decision, and I could see it was a lot to digest and accept. There's no really shortcutting or bypassing the emotional lows, but her life is in much better order now, even if she has to do it all on her own. And I think that's the realized bottom line, that despite how hard it gets, a bad partner is actually even worse.

bsp77 posted...

Yeah, that was me. I have seen multiple threads from her and even with narrative bias, it is obvious something is wrong. I stand by what I said. I am not simping. I am engaged and prior to that had zero issue getting dates. Get the fuck out of here with your assumptions.

I am just as supportive to men who need support.

We all have, we've been spared no detail about his faults. The stories of work husbands and mingling at bars is ostensibly fine because of his flaws. There is obv something wrong. And if as stated, he's got serious problems.

Congrats on the engagement, but that doesn't change anything about this place. I initially quoted someone else, but then saw yours. It's good to note the narrative bias now (and I sincerely mean no offense) but you have to understand how the post sounded oblivious to it and fedoracally phrased.

foreverzero212 posted...

We all have, we've been spared no detail about his faults. The stories of work husbands and mingling at bars is ostensibly fine because of his flaws. There is obv something wrong. And if as stated, he's got serious problems.

Congrats on the engagement, but that doesn't change anything about this place. I initially quoted someone else, but then saw yours. It's good to note the narrative bias now (and I sincerely mean no offense) but you have to understand how the post sounded oblivious to it and fedoracally phrased.

I do get what you are saying. I know to not 100% trust someone's posts. I generally like Cleo, and she helped me a couple years back when I was first learning to cook vegetarian dishes for my fiance after we first started dating.

I am sure she is not a saint, but no one is, and there is something definitely wrong with their marriage, and it seems to stem more from him. I know from my own divorce experience that it gets better. And it gets better for the kids involved too.

Even the most charitable interpretation of events from the Husband's perspective paints a poor picture. Emotional Cheating is still cheating, and best interpretation from his side, that's exactly what he did.

If you can't open up to your partner about work related stuff and have secretly visited strip clubs in the past, it shows a level of emotional detachment from your partner indicative of a dead end relationship. You can try to keep it alive if you want, but you will very much be spinning your wheels there, making yourself miserable, and your kids will be affected by it and even pick up on it. And we definitely know it wasn't "just" venting about work stuff, else deleting it then telling you exactly what happened makes zero sense.

"Seeking therapy" only because you got caught is just a way to placate you. If he was truly concerned about fixing this relationship he would've opened up to you before, and floated this idea well in advance.

Even if I want to worst case interpret events and there's some massive fault on TC's part. It doesn't matter. If two partners regularly broke the other's trust, whether it's cheating or some kind of abuse, they should still separate. What's up with the discord mods around here acting like if she did something bad, then they shouldn't divorce?

TC, you'll undoubtedly come to your own decision in the end, regardless of what anyone says. If you ask most people, they'll tell you to divorce him. I happen to agree with them. And as someone who has plenty experience in watching loved ones hold on to toxic relationships (sometimes from THEIR end), and as a child of someone who has held on to multiple, keeping the relationship will by far do the greatest long term damage to a child. It is not healthy for a child to be bought up in an environment of suspicion, distrust, and depression. I still struggle with fears of replicating those toxic relationships to this day and by extension have lost all interest in finding a partner as a result.

MrResetti posted...

I don't see it mentioned anywhere that it's a loveless marriage

It's a relationship where the trust has been completely decimated. The idea that you need to stay with someone that doesn't have the bare minimum amount of respect for you because you have a kid with them is bullshit

If guys want to go to strip clubs while married they need to have those terms clearly stated to their partner. In this case it was obviously seen as a big betrayal and texting a specific stripper even adds an extra layer that I think even the most easy going wives would question.

To go on after this, have a kid and still be caught being shady just isn't good enough.

Even the reaction of "I want counselling to find out why I'm like this" still isn't really taking full accountability or taking responsibility over it. Is he going out and doing that for himself or is it still on Cleo to organise this stuff for his own fuck up?

I guess I'll have to elaborate further and say that I'm not saying what should happen one way or the other, but replying with "girl you better leave his ass" isn't really the appropriate answer either.

But hey, what do I know being a father with a significant other that has presented problems. Cheating? No. But other issues exist and you have to decide what value is there and worth fighting for. And if she weighs shit out and decides it isn't worth fighting for anymore that's fine. But God damn you can't just run straight to "here's my.attorney, I expect alimony. See you in court.". It's someone you love. It affects people you love. It's hard on everyone. The right choice is never the quick trigger pull.

It sucks having a loved one disappoint you. It takes a clear head to make the right decision. Y'all are all outsiders pushing some cut and dry answer in a situation you are fortunate enough to not truly understand.