Board 8 > Anagram Ranks Anything Star Wars-related with a Write-Up (spoilers)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Savage Opress

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Rogue One

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Okay hold the fucking phone
Anagram posted...

that terrible Rogue One movie.

Rogue One is a top 3 Star Wars movie at worst.

Jyn Erso

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Seems like Anagram doesn't have much experience with Star Wars stuff
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I was thinking the same. Star Trek was more comprehensive.

r/prequelmemes
I don't normally go onto Reddit, but I do occasionally when someone either links me to a specific thread or when I hear about a particular embarrassing subreddit. I had heard of Prequel Memes before, but I'd never been to it. Skimming it really quickly, I am not impressed. These are some pretty weak joke images I'm seeing here, sorry.

Han Solo
I said before that Darth Vader is the only character in Star Wars with nuance, but I guess I have to take that back. Han Solo has something. He has something to work with. "I'm a guy who only cares about myself, but oh wait I just grew a conscience and I learned to care about other people" is a really solid character arc, so much so that Rian Johnson decided to ruin it in TLJ with... Jesus, does anyone even remember that guy's name? Why do I have so much trouble remembering Disney Wars' characters' names?

Look, Han Solo is great, everyone knows it. He's the only character in the OT with, like, grit. I can't imagine another Star Wars character just ruthlessly murdering Greedo like that, or trying to slime his way out of talking with Jabba. Han Solo really should have died in the carbonite, or on Endor, since they completely ran out of things for him to do in RotJ, but it's fine. Everyone loves Han Solo. He's great.

... However, if we're including his Disney appearances, and I have to because I held Spock's DIS appearances against him in the Star Trek topic, then he goes down a bit in the ranking. I have two problems with him here.

1. The idea that in thirty years, Han Solo is still a smuggler wearing literally the exact same clothes is absurd. Like, he married Leia, right? He married the queen. How can he still be a smuggler even if he wants to? This is like Prince Phillip being the husband of Queen Elizabeth, divorcing her, and running a smalltime drug ring for the next thirty years, and everyone in Britain just looking the other way because he's too important to arrest.
2. That Solo movie. The movie itself, completely independent of any exterior canon, is merely whatever. "We need to explain where Han Solo got his last name" being maybe the dumbest thing in it. But as part of the broader Han Solo character? Like, the point of Han Solo is that he's a selfish rogue at the start of ANH. Having him be a good guy all along, and in fact responsible for the Rebellion itself, is insane. It displays a complete lack of understanding of what makes him a compelling character. It's just irredeemably stupid.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
The black sheep of the OT, RotJ is... not quite on the level of the first two, but still good enough. It's a "good enough" conclusion. The best stuff is behind us, but RotJ mostly sticks the landing. It's not a completely embarrassing ending to something that was once good, like Game of Thrones season 8, but it's a noticeable decline in quality from what came before.

I'm far from the first person to say this, but sure: the best part is the Emperor stuff. Luke with Vader and the Emperor is legitimately entertaining. Palpatine trying to turn Luke and just acting silly, Vader defending him and saying infuriating things to Luke, Luke realizing he's turning into his father, it's all wonderful. If that was the entire movie, we'd be golden. I think my favorite part is after the Emperor is dead and Luke is towing Vader through the Death Star, there are just a million stormtroopers in the background running around ignoring them because they're all a minute away from dying, that's just wonderful.

But man, everything else. Those Endor scenes are hard to sit through. I get the idea, I get the idea of the big powerful technologically-advanced Empire being brought low by tribal midgets who are more in tune with nature, but Jesus Christ, there are scenes that are just painful. We should be so far beyond this sort of silliness at this point in the trilogy. I realize it's for kids, but ANH and ESB have nothing like this. Then you have the Death Star battle sequence, where Lando is the most important character involved. Lando is fine, people, but no one really cares about him at this point. After ESB, Lando is basically just a guy instead of an untrustworthy rogue. No wonder people remember Admiral Ackbar more.

There are good moments elsewhere, I will always love the Rancor Trainer crying, but we're talking about like 20% of the movie being 10/10, 20% being 8/10, 20% being 6/10, and 40% being 3/10. I can understand people not liking RotJ, but I'll never understand liking RotS more, except for meme purposes.

Brain Invaders (Episode)
Again, my Clone Wars exposure is limited, but Brain Invaders is one of the few episodes I'd known about beforehand. "Evil brain slugs" is always a good premise, Stargate and Animorphs prove that. Is there something just instinctive in humanity that makes us scared of evil brain slugs? Because I've never seen like an evil earwig or something. Look, this is basically a kiddie episode of The Thing, and all of the "can I trust this guy I don't knowwwww" that works there, works here. Barriss asking Ahsoka to kill her and Ahsoka refusing is WHAT how does Google Chrome's spellcheck have Ahsoka as a real word, but underlines Lando as misspelled? Holy ****, what a damning condemnation of Lando.

R2-D2
Everyone loves Artoo. He's probably the most universally beloved character in the franchise. Is there a single bad thing to say about him other than that he apparently knew everything going on in the ST all along and never told the heroes?

Instead, I'll just talk about Kenny Baker almost dying in the role. They were filming a scene on Tatooine in a desert, put him in the Artoo costume, and then just forgot to pull him out when they took a break for lunch, and he almost roasted to death. God. You watch basically any movie involving a dwarf, and it's always just a little uncomfortable how they're exploited, but that knowledge of how they almost a cooked a man alive because they forgot they'd stuck him in a mobile trash can makes it even weirder.

Spaceballs
I have a confession to make: I have never seen Blazing Saddles. When Mel Brooks died, I--he's still alive? Jesus. Well, Spaceballs is pretty fun. It's not really on the top of my list of comedies, but it's got some okay jokes. A lot of the humor is kind of surface level, though? "Pizza the Hutt" is... ehhhh. The other Mel Brooks thing I've seen is the 2005 Producers, I think his humor might just not be for me.


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Disney Buyout
I have a whole rant saved up in my head to talk about the differences between Disney Wars and Lucas Wars, and I'm not sure if this is the right time to drop it. I think I won't.

When Disney bought Star Wars, I think everyone rolled their eyes. "Oh boy," thought people. "Disney will turn Star Wars into a completely sterilized version of itself in its endless quest to make more money." And that didn't exactly happen, but it kind of happened. But man, when I saw that one photo of George Lucas standing next to Mickey Mouse in a Jedi robe, and Lucas' eyes just look completely soulless, I was like "Well, I was already over Star Wars, but I still didn't expect this."

I understand dropping the EU, that's fine, that's good, even. But Disney simply replaced it with an equally bad, possibly even worse, version of the EU. Disney just rebooted ANH with TFA (even TFA's fans agree that it's just a reboot), and then epically mismanaged the series. Boy oh boy, do I have things to say about the sequels.

I think the biggest error here is the idea that we needed one Star Wars movie per year. It's like... no. There's a limit to how much Star Wars the human body can take, doctors recommend no more than a few milligrams per day. Then there are the "in-between" movies like Rogue One and Solo, which, instead of expanding on the universe, just expand on details from the original movies no one cares about. No one cares about how the Death Star plans were stolen, all we needed to know is that they were. Except for the Mandalorian, every Star Wars-related action Disney has taken has displayed a complete lack of imagination, which is curious because of how well the MCU was handled -- and I say that as someone with no particular love of the MCU or superheroes in general. Even the things they didn't make, like the Obi-Wan prequel TV show, still displayed an epic lack of imagination.

I think the best thing about the Disney buyout, besides the Mandalorian which yes is wonderful and great and cured cancer, is Lucas saying that he sold his franchise to "white slavers." Lucas is an insane person, but I appreciate his insanity sometimes.

Again, I have more to say on this topic, but I'm saving it for a more specific Disney vs Lucas thing.

Savage Opress
If there's ever a question I didn't ask, it's "did Darth Maul have a brother?" I always disliked the idea of bringing Maul back to life, but I'll admit that it was done as well as it really could have been done. I don't know, I don't hate this character, but I don't really like him, either.

Star Wars: Rogue One
Without looking it up, the only Rogue One characters I can name are Jyn Erso (whose name I thought was "Gin Urso") and Cassian Andor, and the latter is only because of the rumored TV series. Sure, I remember Asian Man, Black Robot, and Gatling Gun Guy, but don't even pretend you can name those characters without looking it up. Seriously, though, name Asian Man's name. God, even in a Galaxy Far, Far Away, the two Asian leads are still martial arts masters and computer nerds.

It's really hard to take this movie as its own thing independent of the rest of Star Wars because it's constantly shoving old Star Wars stuff in your face. Remember the guy whose arm Obi-Wan cuts off in ANH? He's here now, somehow, I don't know. Remember Leia's adoptive father? He's here, too! Do you remember Artoooooooooooo

Look, I like the idea of a giant epic battle set on a tropical beach. This is a vista we haven't seen before, and it's a good contrast where the beauty of the beach getting destroyed by the nascent Death Star. This is a strong thematic contrast, good work there. I like the Imperial guy in the white outfit being a complete ninny who's totally out of his depth. I like the idea of showing a darker side to the Rebellion, people who are desperate and willing to take morally black actions for the greater good. The Vietnam War stuff where the Rebels are on the ground is good. I don't hate Cassian, who grapples with the idea of killing Jyn's father before it's taken out of his hands. And I'll admit I was surprised when everyone just ****ing died. There are good things in this movie. Maybe I shouldn't have called the movie complete trash, it has redeeming elements.

But I take serious umbrage with the idea that the Death Star's flaw was put into it on purpose by a scientist. That's not only stupid, it ruins everything. The point of the Death Star as a concept is that the Empire is so powerful that it can't comprehend its own weaknesses. The point is that the Empire, embodied in the movie by Tarkin, has grown so powerful that the idea of a weakness is impossible, to the point that even after being warned Tarkin still gets himself killed. The point is that the tiny, weak Rebellion can still fight because the Empire is just too full of itself. Everything about the Empire is like this -- remember the AT-ATs, the seemingly invincible monster walkers on Hoth? Defeated by an X-wing with a cable swung around their knees. Remember Palpatine? Defeated because he creates a complicated plan that assumes normal people (Han and Leia) can't overcome his minions. Remember Darth Vader's plan to imprison the heroes in ESB? Defeated because he didn't think Lando could betray him. Say what you want about Ewoks, but at least they play into the theme of the Empire being undone by its own hubris. Having the Death Star's exhaust port be an intentional weakness inserted by its creator cheapens all of this. The Empire is no longer defeated by its hubris, it's defeated by sabotage. Like the Solo movie, expanding on the backstory in this way just displays a complete lack of understanding of what makes the Death Star interesting.

And yes, okay. If you don't care at all about any of that, that's fine. I respect that completely, and I'm glad you can enjoy this movie. But I focus a lot on thematic consistently and that sort of nebulous stuff, and from that perspective, RO is like a wrench dropped into a pair of gears.

So, fine. If you want some Star Wars-y action, this is a good movie. If you want thirty seconds of Darth Vader being a badass, this is a good movie. But a lot of it just rings hollow to me, like the movie wants to say something about the dark side of the Rebellion but has nothing to actually say. If this entire movie had been about a girl joining the Rebellion and finding out that it's actually kind of a dark organization that hides things from her, but is still better than the Empire, that would have been more interesting.

... You think that guy in ANH got fired? The one in the boardroom meeting who said that the Rebels are no threat. With this movie in mind, the Rebels launched a successful attack on a secret Imperial facility like three hours before he said that.

Jyn Erso
Jyn's a rebel (not a Rebel) who acts out and is out for herself, but learns she has a Destiny involving her father who works for the Empire, and she needs to settle things by working with a hot Hispanic guy. She's colder than any other main character, which is a nice change of pace, and she slowly learns to warm to her companions before they're all killed.

Of all the Disney protagonists, I would say Jyn is the best. She's definitely better than Rey, Poe, young Han Solo, and Emilia Clarke. Finn had so much potential, but was just completely wasted. So yeah, I'm giving it to Jyn. She's the strongest part of her movie. She should have been the main character of the ST.


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Mac Arrowny posted...

Seems like Anagram doesn't have much experience with Star Wars stuff

PerfectChaosZ posted...

I was thinking the same. Star Trek was more comprehensive.

For what it's worth, I have seen every Star Wars theatrically-released movie, even the CGI one about a drag queen Hutt (that's the only thing in the movie I remember).

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Thunderous Applause
Star Trek
The Force
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

You're My Only Hope
Yoda
Han Solo
Millennium Falcon
R2-D2
Mr. Plinkett Star Wars Reviews
A New Hope Poster
Baby Yoda
Star Wars Ep 1: Jedi Party

The Force is Strong with This One
Grand Moff Tarkin
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Spaceballs
Jyn Erso
Kyle Katarn
Kettch

Impressive, Most Impressive
Ganner Rhysode
The Star Trek Wars
Vua Rapuung
Boba Fett

Stay on Target
Titan Squadron
Twilight of the Apprentice (Episode)
Brain Invaders (Episode)
Jaro Tapal
Star Wars Trek

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This
Kylo Ren's Lightsaber
Jacen Horn
Corran Horn
Kir Kanos
Anagram
Star Wars: Rogue One
Savage Opress

What a Piece of Junk
The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise
Bomberman Hero
Darth Jar-Jar Theory
Wookiepedia Tree Article
r/prequelmemes

A Pathway to Many Abilities Some Would Consider to be Unnatural
Disney Buyout
Ewoks (Cartoon)
Midichlorians

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Lego Star Wars

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Arb Skynxnex

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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Do Wedge Antilles.

Star Munchkin.
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Rose Tico

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The Death Star

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Saw Gerrera

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Duel of the Fates

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Rey's yellow lightsaber

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The TIE starfighter

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Lego Star Wars
I have only played half of one Lego Indiana Jones, but it seemed fun. I like reimagining established IPs with unique art styles, and Lego aesthetics are certainly unique. I like how they can explain what's going on without words, too, though part of that is just that everyone who plays a Lego Indiana Jones game has probably seen the movies.

Arb Skynxnex
I'm too lazy to scroll up and check who this is, but someone is clearly nominating the most obscure EU characters he can find. This is the bodyguard of a minor criminal guy, so minor that neither of them have color artwork. This guy's gimmick is that he has a double-blaster, which is a gun that shoots two beams into a single beam for extra power. That's dumb. He also looks vaguely like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, but maybe I'm imagining things.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Ugh, this movie. I think everyone agrees that either this or AotC is the worst Star Wars movie, right? RotS at least has memes, but PM has nothing except Darth Maul and Duel of the Fates.

Every so often, I rewatch a movie I remember as being bad to see if it's really as bad as I remember. Sometimes I find I was wrong, or that the reality is more nuanced than I thought. Not here, though. PM really is as bad as everyone remembers. Lucas says that it was meant for children, but no child is going to want to watch a movie this slow. There are so many scenes of just nothing. Some decisions, like Jar-Jar Binks, are just completely impossible to explain. It's not even fun to make fun of the bad acting anymore, since Jake Lloyd went insane thanks to being made fun of. Phantom Menace is so bad that it literally destroyed a man's life.

Here is what I will give PM: it does have some imagination. I hate the direction it takes the Jedi in particular (they shouldn't have all had Obi-Wan's desert robes), but everything else has at least some imagination. The podracing is weird and kind of interesting, there are horrifically racist Japanese aliens with pope hats, like, weird stuff exists. But I've never seen a movie with so much weird stuff that is also so slow and boring.

Look, I went into detail about what I don't like about the other movies, but PM has been picked apart by everyone a million times. We've all seen the RLM reviews, so I'll just say that the best thing to come out of this movie is that one N64 podracer game. I played the **** out of that podracer game.

Wedge Antilles
Wedge might be the most confusing character in cinema. Basic storytelling logic suggests that when Luke fights the Death Star, all of his nameless friends die to show how serious the stakes are. That seems to happen, and Wedge is just the last nameless friend. But then Wedge just... doesn't die? He's like "Luke, I can't help anymore," and Luke's like "lol get outta here," and Vader is like "Let him go," and Wedge just shows up later when Luke's X-Wing, the Millennium Falcon, and the support ship return Yavin. Wedge is just awkwardly also there. This would be like if Theoden in Lord of the Rings thanks the main characters for saving him in Helm's Deep, and then there's also a random guardsman there who had his name briefly mentioned once. Wedge only grows more important over time, too. He helps defend the Hoth base, and then he destroys the second Death Star! You'd assume it would be Lando or his weird pancake alien friend, but no, it's Wedge. So bizarre. Did Lucas have a specific plan for this random guy, or what?

Oh, you want an analysis of Wedge as a character? Sorry. The guy has zero character in the movies other than "I am a good guy." I know he gets fleshed out a lot in the books, but I haven't read most of them. I do admit, however, that I enjoy the concept of a random guy who keeps showing up, so he gets points for that.

Star Munchkin
I've never played Star Munchkin, but I have played Munchkin. Googling it quickly, I question how Star Wars-y this is. The cover is a guy in a Space Marine outfit, and the blurb mentions brains in jars and bionic bimbos, clearly Star Trek references, but no psychic ninjas or laser swords are mentioned. Anyway, if this is like Munchkin, I'm sure it's a fine little board game.

Rose Tico
I was wondering if anyone would nominate her. I hereby offer Rose Tico the "Most Awkward Main Character of a Star Wars Movie Ever" award. I have no idea what the point of this character is. I think it's just that Rian Johnson wanted two people to go to that stupid casino planet (I hate that planet, it looks nothing like Star Wars should look), and already had something for Rey and Poe do.

I have no real problems with adding a new main character halfway through the story -- it worked for Lando, so it can theoretically work here, too. But Rose gets the worst plot in the movie, the Casino Planet, and she has all of the worst lines in the movie. Or at least the two worst lines.

Rose and Finn think they're about to be arrested and killed, so she releases some animals the casino people were abusing. She turns to Finn and says "Now it was worth it." Ugh. Later, Finn is going to sacrifice himself to destroy Kylo Ren's giant laser and save the Rebellion, and Rose stops him and says "We'll stop the Empire using looooooooove" and kisses him. Like, they save the Rebellion anyway, but in a way completely unrelated to Rose's declaration.

Rose's role in TRoS is particularly comical. It's clear that JJ Abrams had just nothing for this character to do, and didn't care enough to try to find something. She's in the movie for five seconds at the start, Finn pats her shoulder and friendzones her, and that's the end of it. I just feel bad for her actress, honestly. You think you're going to be the next Lando, and instead you're the next nothing.

Just to be clear: I can imagine something cool being done with like a spunky engineer girl joining the heroes halfway through. Rose is not that girl. She does nothing of consequence, and whatever character development she has in TLJ is undone at the start of the next movie.

Death Star
The defining villain lair, villain spaceship, and "villain thing that summons a giant laser beam" all in one. Even people who don't know Star Wars still know the Death Star. Whoever had the idea of putting a circular crater in the surface to make it not a perfect sphere was a genius, too.

As a storytelling tool, the Death Star is maybe the best thing ever. It represents not just the power and evil of the Empire, but also its attachment to the physical. Where the Jedi are like wise martial arts guys who only own swords and robes, the Death Star's this big giant thing that can destroy entire planets. But as Vader tells us at the beginning, it's nothing compared to the Force. One dude with the Force is enough to destroy the entire thing. All of the Empire's might and majesty, all of the Gestapo guys you can imagine, aren't sufficient to fight one dude with the power of space chi, and the Death Star is the ultimate representation of that: big and impressive, but small and weak where it counts.

Oh, by the way, making the Death Star again in RotJ was dumb, but not as dumb as making it again in TFA, which itself was even less dumb than making a fleet of ships that all have Death Star lasers in TRoS.


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Saw Gerrera
I'm aware that this guy has a role in Rebels, whatever, I'm judging him based only on Rogue One.

I like the idea of a brutal Rebel, one who's willing to do whatever it takes to stop the Empire. I like the idea of that guy having such questionable morals that even the other Rebels don't associate with him. I like the idea of him saving Rey and having such a soft spot for her that he doesn't tell his friends that her father is the lead Death Star guy and she could be used as a hostage.

What I don't like is his death scene? I get that he's tired of always running from the Empire, but he just kind of stands there and lets himself die? It's suicide for no reason other than that he's too lazy to escape. If it had been "I'm too slow, get to the ship while you can," that would be one thing, but it's not that. The movie clearly wants his death to be this epic moment that's the culmination of his character and what he represents, but it's just presented so strangely.

Overall, I don't hate him. He's okay-ish.

Duel of the Fates
People talk about Star Wars music all the time. That's a lie. They talk about Star Wars OT music all the time. Duel of the Fates is literally the only PT or ST song anyone remembers. And why not? It's great. It's deep, it's melodic, it's got epic choirs (I love epic choirs chanting nonsense), it really puts you in the mood for a showdown between light and darkness. People often cite this as the best part of PM, and yeah, they're right.

Rey's Yellow Lightsaber
"When everyone's super, no one will be." Remember that line? I am hereby changing it to "When everyone's special, no one is." You know it's true! It was fine once. Once. It was fine one time to have a special lightsaber. It was even okay the second time. Darth Maul's double lightsaber? Wow, that's amazing! Mace Windu's purple lightsaber? Okay, well, that's pretty cool. Yoda's tiny lightsaber? I guess this is acceptable. Grevious' multi-lightsaber attack? If you insist. Palpatine's lightsaber with a curvy hilt? Mmmmmm alright. Kylo Ren's wacky lightsaber? I don't know about this... And that's without going into the non-movie stuff, like lightsaber whips and stuff like that.

Like, why does Rey even make her lightsaber yellow? What does having a yellow lightsaber represent? Does she just like the color yellow? The only thing I can think of it representing is that she's going to chart her own path, but that can't be it because she moves to Tatooine to take over Luke's life and calls herself a Skywalker. And yes, Luke busted out a green lightsaber, I grant that this is true, but that was literally just because they made a blue lightsaber and realized you can't tell where it is against the sky background outside of Jabba's Palace. The movie did not present the new color of his lightsaber as an epic thing to end the trilogy on, it was just a thing that happens and we all move on. I can maybe imagine a movie where Rey makes a new lightsaber and it just happens to be yellow, and we all move on with our lives. But TRoS presents the color of this lightsaber as a huge deal. It's literally the last thing that happens in the movie, is Rey showing off her new lightsaber to no one. This is why the movie rings so hollow with people, it's because it tries to have these kinds of moments without bothering to think about what makes such moments meaningful.

TIE Fighter
The perfect Space Nazi vehicle. Gray and black, looks like there's just a small pod for the pilot. What this looks like is a vehicle that doesn't think about comfort at all, unlike the X-Wings. What a good idea to make the X-Wings look sort of like real fighter jets, but TIE Fighters look like something stark and alien. Just great design in all regards.

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Thunderous Applause
Star Trek
The Force
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Death Star

You're My Only Hope
Yoda
Han Solo
Millennium Falcon
R2-D2
Mr. Plinkett Star Wars Reviews
TIE Fighter
A New Hope Poster
Baby Yoda
Star Wars Ep 1: Jedi Party
Duel of the Fates

The Force is Strong with This One
Grand Moff Tarkin
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Spaceballs
Lego Star Wars
Jyn Erso
Kyle Katarn
Kettch

Impressive, Most Impressive
Ganner Rhysode
The Star Trek Wars
Vua Rapuung
Boba Fett
Wedge Antilles
Saw Gerrera

Stay on Target
Star Munchkin
Titan Squadron
Twilight of the Apprentice (Episode)
Brain Invaders (Episode)
Jaro Tapal
Star Wars Trek

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This
Kylo Ren's Lightsaber
Jacen Horn
Corran Horn
Kir Kanos
Anagram
Star Wars: Rogue One
Savage Opress

What a Piece of Junk
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Rose Tico
The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise
Bomberman Hero
Rey's Yellow Lightsaber
Darth Jar-Jar Theory
Wookiepedia Tree Article
r/prequelmemes
Arb Skynxnex

A Pathway to Many Abilities Some Would Consider to be Unnatural
Disney Buyout
Ewoks (Cartoon)
Midichlorians

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Tag & Bink

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Qui-Gon Jinn

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The Luke/Vader confrontation in V.
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Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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The Jabba's Palace scenes in RotJ
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Everything that isn't the original trilogy

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Luke

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The Casino Planet

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Anakin Skywalker

the stormtrooper who bonks his head

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Force Lightning

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Robot Chicken Star Wars Parodies

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Star Wars: Tag & Bink
So, Tag and Bink are a reference to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, where they're two unimportant background characters who accidentally cause all of the events of the films. It's not a bad idea for a satire. I like the idea that they're Darth Vader's copilots on the Death Star, who accidentally cause his defeat with their bad piloting.

Qui-Gon Jinn
I have sort of mixed feelings about Qui-Gon Jinn. On the one hand, I do think he's sort of unnecessary -- you could cut all of PM out of the series, and the only questions it raises are how Obi-Wan met Anakin (don't say that we desperately needed that Threepio backstory). On the other hand, Qui-Gon is the highlight of PM. He's by far the best, most engaging character in the movie, as well as the best acted. My best PM memory is me watching it in the living room, my sister wandering by, and her saying, completely perplexed, "Liam Neeson is in a Star Wars movie?"

I hate the idea of Qui-Gon being the guy invented force ghosts, which is introduced in RotS, and that he teaches Yoda and Obi-Wan how to become ghosts after they die. What a bizarre decision.

Luke vs Vader Duel (Bespin)
What makes this duel compelling is that Luke is completely out of his depth. He gets a few good knocks in against Vader, but it never for a second feels like Luke is on the same level as his opponent. The dark atmosphere and steam pipes everywhere lend an eerie quality to what's going on, and the fight cleverly starts with Luke and Vader far away from the camera up the stairs, where they're just silhouettes against the darkness save for their lightsabers. I really like how Luke gets exhausted halfway through and Vader just pelts him with random objects he chucks with the Force. It's all just so good, and we all know the ending of the duel, where Vader tells Luke that he's his father and Luke dismisses it out of hand.

*Bad-dum tish*

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
This is the hardest Star Wars movie to sit through. It's not only boring, it's only super bad, but it's also the fakest-looking. Lucas was trying to make a movie with realistic CGI like ten years ahead of its time, and it just does not work at all. Mace Windu's role is expanded in this movie, and he's the most boring man to ever live. He's literally just some guy. The Anakin/Padme romance is just intolerable. We all know about the sand line, but have you actually sat through and watched the whole romance play out? The sand line is the least of the problems. Dooku is just so much nothing, too. Then there are things where I just don't know what Lucas was thinking, like the 1950s diner. The only thing in the movie that kind of works is the Obi-Wan mystery plot, where he chases a thread through the galaxy to the clone planet. I mean, I have problems with the Disney movies, but they at least can hold your interest for more than fifteen minutes.

The most damning thing I can say about this movie is that it's the only one I don't remember seeing in theaters. I remember seeing a rerelease of the OT in theaters and every other movie's release, but not Episode II.

Jabba's Palace Sequence
This is where Lucas inserted all of his creativity for the movie. Jabba is like the perfect villain design, right up there with Vader. Even though he's an alien, you instantly know everything you need to know just by looking at him. There are tons of weird-looking aliens all over the place, like Bib Fortuna and the orc guys, there are like hookahs and orgy rooms, it's all just wonderful. Everything you need to tell you that Jabba is a fat hedonist gangster is here, but it's somehow not overdone. The only suggestion I would make is to have like more trophies of people Jabba hates, like decapitated heads and stuff next to Han Solo, but it's fine. By the way, making Jabba a giant slug was an inspired decision. He's all corpulent and slimy, and it's theoretically because he's a slug, but it's really because humans find those qualities to be disgusting.

The problem, I suppose, is that it's all sort of pointless? Two things happen here of consequence: Han is back and Luke is a Jedi. It takes a third of the movie to establish these things. But it's impossible not to like this sequence, so it's fine. It's fine.

Star Wars, minus Episodes IV-VI
Oh god, I didn't realize we could have this kind of nomination. Jeez, I don't know. So much of Star Wars that isn't the OT is balanced around the OT's existence, including the PT, ST, and standalone movies.

Honestly? I can imagine Star Wars being like this weird cult hit if it was just the PT. Like, if Lucas somehow made these three weird, terrible space movies, people would be like "Wow, that's weird." I think they might be more appreciated if that was the case? Like if they were midnight movie-grade movies instead of massive tentpole movies.


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Luke Skywalker
Who's the most important sci-fi protagonist of all time? It's got to be Luke or Kirk, right? I can't think of anyone else who compares, save maybe for Spock. But where Kirk is the archetypal Captain, Luke is the archetypal Hero. Everyone knows about Lucas writing Star Wars after reading Hero with a Thousand Faces, and Luke is sort of the ultimate example of that. He's a man designed to appeal to that Jungian archetype of hero, that Platonic ideal of heroism. If you'd never seen Star Wars before and saw an image of the cast, you would instantly know that this is the main character.

Here's a weird comparison: King Arthur. If you've ever read the original medieval stuff about him (I have), King Arthur has this whole complicated backstory about being raised as a normal person but also being the son of a king because it was important that he have a Destiny and a Lineage but also be of the land. Luke is the exact same thing, except that his father is a villain instead of a king.

Here's what I'm trying to say about Luke: he's so perfectly molded to be the hero that his actual personality hardly matters. You can say that about a lot of Star Wars character archetypes, but it goes double for Luke, particularly because Mark Hamill is the weakest main actor in the OT (sorry). You know probably everything you need to know about Luke with just two images: that shot of him looking at the double sunset where he's torn up inside from being held back by his uncle, and that shot of him locking blades with Vader on Bespin.

And yeah, the ST, bleh. I don't even know what to say about how Luke's character progresses in it. Mark Hamill put it best, so let me just quote him.
"I told Rian Johnson 'I just fundamentally disagree with virtually everything you decided about my character."
I wonder if they would have killed Luke the way they did if they'd known Carrie Fisher was going to die between movies?

Canto Bight
I had to look up the name of the casino planet for this (the planet is actually named Cantonica, but all of the action takes place in the city of Canto Bight). I get the idea of a new vista, and in theory it's good. Where do jerkass neutral people getting rich hang out? Probably not a Las Vegas casino, but this is close enough to accurate. This plays into the broader theme in TLJ about people trying to stay neutral and no one coming to the Rebels' rescue at the end.

But I just found no joy in this subplot. You know what, I accept that maybe this is just about me. Maybe Canto Bight is a perfectly okay place for a sci-fi plot, and I'm the one who just doesn't like casino locales for some reason. I can't reasonably hold that against the movie.

Anakin Skywalker
For purposes of this list, I'm going to count Anakin separately from Darth Vader.

In theory, Anakin is the deepest and most complex character in the series. He's a guy with a Destiny, he's the literal Chosen One, but he's torn up inside between his duties to a sort of abstract, unfeeling organization and his very real ties to the physical world with Padme and his mother. He has admiration for Obi-Wan for being such a good Jedi, but also feels pain for not being equal to him. He wants to be a dutiful man, but the only way to save the people he cares about is to walk a path the Jedi just will not allow him to walk. In theory, Anakin should work as a character.

But there are two problems with him. The first is the acting. Many people have said this before, but George Lucas has a talent for squeezing terrible performances out of good actors. Hayden Christiansen isn't a bad actor, but somehow he gives the worst performance ever here. The climax of RotS is nothing but memes due to his and Ewan McGregor's acting.

The second problem is the dialogue. George Lucas just cannot write subtle dialogue to save his life, and where that worked in the OT, it absolutely does not work in the PT. Obi-Wan screaming YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE and I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND are the worst examples of this, but Anakin gets lines that are almost as bad. YOU TURNED HER AGAINST MEEEEEEEE, oh my god, come on. That scene would have worked better if there was no dialogue between Anakin and Obi-Wan at all, just have Obi-Wan tell him to stop choking Padme, and then they look at each other and know there has to be a swordfight.

Poor Anakin. You should have been the greatest Fallen Hero in science-fiction.

Headbonk Stormtrooper
Everyone loves this mother****er. In the special editions, Lucas added a sound effect to the guy bumping his head into the door, and it's like the only good change he made.

Force Lightning
I always sort of viewed force lightning as just something the Force could do. Like, Palpatine is so one with the Force that he doesn't even need a lightsaber, he can just call on the Force to do wacky things like this. Instead, AotC establishes that it's a standard Dark Side power... Honestly, fine. Sure. I can buy that the Dark Side gives you power over destruction, and it's very visually spectacular and scary. Nothing the Sith ever did was as shocking as the first time Palpatine busted out lightning from his fingers.

Robot Chicken Star Wars Parodies
I've never seen these, and there appear to be a lot of them, so I can't easily comment on them. I may watch them later so I can, but for now, I'm skipping this one, sorry.

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Thunderous Applause
Star Trek
The Force
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Death Star

You're My Only Hope
Yoda
Han Solo
Millennium Falcon
Luke Skywalker
R2-D2
Luke vs Vader Duel (Bespin)
Mr. Plinkett Star Wars Reviews
TIE Fighter
A New Hope Poster
Baby Yoda
Star Wars Ep 1: Jedi Party
Duel of the Fates

The Force is Strong with This One
Force Lightning
Grand Moff Tarkin
Jabba's Palace Sequence
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Headbonk Stormtrooper
Spaceballs
Lego Star Wars
Qui-Gon Jinn
Jyn Erso
Kyle Katarn
Kettch

Impressive, Most Impressive
Ganner Rhysode
Tag and Bink
The Star Trek Wars
Vua Rapuung
Boba Fett
Wedge Antilles
Saw Gerrera

Stay on Target
Star Munchkin
Titan Squadron
Twilight of the Apprentice (Episode)
Brain Invaders (Episode)
Canto Bight
Jaro Tapal
Star Wars Trek

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This
Anakin Skywalker
Kylo Ren's Lightsaber
Star Wars, minus Episodes IV-VI
Jacen Horn
Corran Horn
Kir Kanos
Anagram
Star Wars: Rogue One
Savage Opress

What a Piece of Junk
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Rose Tico
The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise
Bomberman Hero
Rey's Yellow Lightsaber
Darth Jar-Jar Theory
Wookiepedia Tree Article
r/prequelmemes
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Arb Skynxnex

A Pathway to Many Abilities Some Would Consider to be Unnatural
Disney Buyout
Ewoks (Cartoon)
Midichlorians

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Reylo
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Palpatine Fortnite event/reveal
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Sand
https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Sand

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Darth Vader

Anagram posted...

Maybe Canto Bight is a perfectly okay place for a sci-fi plot, and I'm the one who just doesn't like casino locales for some reason.

No, it's definitely the worst. You had it right in your Rose write-up

C3P0

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Chewbacca

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The scene in the Holiday Special where Chewbacca's father watches some VR porn
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Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

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Oh I have not yet begun to nominate truly obscure EU characters. I just grabbed Skynxnex because of his stupid name.

Irek Ismaren

I'm glad people are enjoying this topic.

Unrelated to Star Wars, but what do you guys think of TOS and TNG getting blu-ray quality remasters, but DS9, VOY, and ENT not getting them?

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Anagram posted...

Unrelated to Star Wars, but what do you guys think of TOS and TNG getting blu-ray quality remasters, but DS9, VOY, and ENT not getting them?

It's disappointing but not surprising. DS9 gets fan love but it's not as iconic as the first two series for most people.

Also since I don't wanna waste a post: Yaddle

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The Hand of Thrawn Trilogy

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cyko posted...

The Hand of Thrawn Trilogy

Are you talking about The Hand of Thrawn duology or the Thrawn trilogy?
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Watto, specifically in the N64 Podracing game.

https://youtu.be/RBiKGc9ZOl4
https://youtu.be/JQkFriEZAeE

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Mac Arrowny posted...

Are you talking about The Hand of Thrawn duology or the Thrawn trilogy?

you're right. I was sleepy and I meant the Thrawn Trilogy.

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