Board 8 > How clingy are you as a lover?

(+) Yeah! (+)

This might or might not have something to do with the guy I'm dating. <_< >_>
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I don't say lover, so maybe that's the difference
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if mr. pet names is super clingy that's red flag #2

time to bail imo
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I push people away so I don't get too attached
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Drakeryn posted...

if mr. pet names is super clingy that's red flag #2

time to bail imo

Well he demands me update him when I arrive at work and leave work and arrive at home or mall or w/e, I don't know if that's normal or not...

scarletspeed7 posted...

I don't say lover, so maybe that's the difference

Ah yeah, you young'uns and your 'bae's.
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I think that updating one's boo on anything as trivial as going to and from work is ridiculous.
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Peace___Frog posted...

I think that updating one's boo on anything as trivial as going to and from work is ridiculous.

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I wasn't clingy with the only girlfriend I had, though she was a bit demanding to have me around... we broke up because she wanted me to break contact with a long time friend that was too important for me to drop >_>


I've had other relationships though where I'd go off the deep end, but that wasn't as a "lover"!
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Peace___Frog posted...

I think that updating one's boo on anything as trivial as going to and from work is ridiculous.

They could be getting a good wank on the drive though
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I'm pretty clingy but I like to think I'm not as bad as that guy >_> I don't demand updates or anything. But like if they don't text back for several hours and I see them active on social media I will be upset!
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Right, I thought so too but I thought I'd ask B8ers.

Now there are several ideas in my mind why he's doing this:
1. He has trust issues (previous bf cheating on him? he didn't tell me anything about it tho)
2. He thinks it's how relationships should be
3. He's having his nuts up for this (some subtle SM-kinda-thing)
4. He's trying to gaslight me

...well, I'm still not bailing off yet, but I've told him he needs to chill. Maybe it'll get better with time.
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Maybe if they or I lived in a bad part of town or something and it was more of a "making sure you're alive" type of update.
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it completely depends on the person and dynamics of the relationship

if i start feeling clingy, i stop for a minute and think about why. if i feel like someone is not giving me the attention or respect i want and will not change, we just aren't compatible and the relationship should end-
whose "fault" it is is irrelevant

this guy's demands are far beyond anything i would be willing to deal with. he needs to have some confidence.
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at the bare minimum you should have a calm conversation about why he wants so many updates
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I don't own him, and he doesn't own me. What he does when we're apart is his own business and if he wants to share it with me, that's fine, but if not, that's also fine. The time we share together is the important part.

People who demand to know everything their significant other is doing, especially in BDSM relationships*, are generally low-key abusive, and low-key abuse can quickly become worse.

*(There was a thing where a "master" treated his sub like he had cheated on him simply because he went into a hot tub with a platonic friend, and made this person feel like the worst person in the world because of it. The whole thing went public and people got mad at him, and people accused the people getting mad of kinkshaming, not understanding the emotional abuse is emotional abuse regardless of whether it's a vanilla or a consensual master/slave relationship.)
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banananor posted...

at the bare minimum you should have a calm conversation about why he wants so many updates

Yeah, this is a very sound advice. Thanks.

So to elaborate a little, early this morning we had a talk. Last night (Monday) he wanted to call me, but I was so effin tired already since I haven't been able to go home early since...last Tuesday? And my weekend was full and we met up on Sunday. I needed time to recharge and do my own thing. So I kindaaa turned off my phone. >_> <_<
Well, he was upset. Of course I should've communicated it better to him, but his demand for communication is unlike anything I've had. My own mother doesn't ask about me that much.
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Sounds like boundaries need to be clearly laid out.
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sounds like you should have followed your own advice a week ago to me

also to answer your question i prefer smoke signals
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Lolo_Guru posted...

Peace___Frog posted...

I think that updating one's boo on anything as trivial as going to and from work is ridiculous.

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i kill and wear my lovers skin to become closer to them

greengravy294 posted...

sounds like you should have followed your own advice a week ago to me

also to answer your question i prefer smoke signals

What was that, 'hit it and quit it'?

velocycloraptor posted...

i kill and wear my lovers skin to become closer to them

We're not on that level yet.
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something something i'm just not that into him something something
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I'll have The Talk (tm) with him tonight.

greengravy294 posted...

something something i'm just not that into him something something

Ah. Well, you know what they say about advices. Do as I say, not as I do.

NioraptH posted...

Anyway, I'm more of a "freedom to do my own thing" kind of person. If I don't have this basic right, then no way.

It's like, he's not even married to you, so being so overcontrolling like that just shows possessiveness. You're not 'his' ... dammit I can't English.

Raka bukan hak milik dia pun, hanya sebagai teman sahaja.

Yeah, I get it. Thanks Sis <3
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question and poll feel like they aren't asking the same thing.

anyway, uh, if this is about the guy that everyone suggested was probably clingy and weird based on information before/after your very first date... yeah. he is probably too clingy. I think anyone could have predicted this even based on the small amount of information we had available.
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Dude is probably looking for some reassurance you're actually into him and going about it in a weird way. If you're not into and you're still debating whether you even want to bother, this is a red flag to get out now.
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MariaTaylor posted...

question and poll feel like they aren't asking the same thing.

yeah, this isn't clingy, this is creepy/controlling

question made me think it was about pining, or affection

keep having fun but do *not* get sucked in. it will only get harder to break things off with someone emotionally abusive like this.
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Agreed. Texting you repeatedly about whatever would be clingy, not demanding regular status updates.
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I adapt.

The first thing I do is try to find their online message board accounts and read all their posts
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My mother asks about me that way sometimes but that's because she worries too much about if I'm safe on the road. What's happening here is not good and shows a lack of trust on their part, as well as what other people have said about controlling.
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I only require updates insofar as things affect me. "When will you be home", mostly.
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I dunno, I like to be kept mostly updated, but it's because I just wanna know about their life. Like I don't need to be constantly updated while you're hanging out with a friend, but I'm interested in knowing that it has or will happened. Things like that.

Apparently I'm in the minority here?
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This guy really sounds like bad news. Haven't y'all barely started seeing each other? Regardless of how long y'all have been together his demands are borderline abusive

Edit: and if the guy is gaslighting you, he's DEFINITELY abusive. Get out of that situation imo.
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What tabii said.
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MajinZidane posted...

I dunno, I like to be kept mostly updated, but it's because I just wanna know about their life. Like I don't need to be constantly updated while you're hanging out with a friend, but I'm interested in knowing that it has or will happened. Things like that.

I do like knowing stuff, too, but I wouldn't demand it unless I were in a serious relationship (and even then, I wouldn't expect it *all* the time).

It's possible things are just being painted in a worse light than reality, though. Always two sides to a story.
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SeabassDebeste posted...

MajinZidane posted...

I dunno, I like to be kept mostly updated, but it's because I just wanna know about their life. Like I don't need to be constantly updated while you're hanging out with a friend, but I'm interested in knowing that it has or will happened. Things like that.

I do like knowing stuff, too, but I wouldn't demand it unless I were in a serious relationship (and even then, I wouldn't expect it *all* the time).

It's possible things are just being painted in a worse light than reality, though. Always two sides to a story.

Yeah, I'd want it in an exclusive relationship. I wouldn't demand it, either, but in my experience when you're in an exclusive relationship you just end up telling your partner the things in your day that happened out of the ordinary anyway on your own volition

Edit: just to add, though, it is kind of nice to share when you're dating or talking to somebody new just as a good tool for conversation and sharing. There's a difference between "how did your day go today?" and "tell me about your day today as it happens."
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Well I do like my hyperboles!

Anyway, thanks for your input, everyone. I really appreciate it.

I had a talk with him. Apparently it's his way of, well, making sure that I know he cares about me and to, you know, keep the...'tempo'? Of our relationship? Since he wants me to feel that we're truly dating.

I told him that I'm suffocating, so he agrees to tone it down, OTOH I should keep him updated on my own pace.

I'm still giving him a chance. I mean...partially it's because I couldn't even get a date. >_> but I do enjoy our conversations when he's not being too clingy. Well, we'll see how it goes I suppose...
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if anything goes wrong you'll always have me rakkins
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Yes thanks GMUN. I'm looking forward to Canadaland.
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My partner and I text each other constantly with things that happen. So if one of us goes to a bar or just went to the doctor or whatever, the other will usually get a picture or funny anecdote out of it. But it's never forced or demanded in any way. When we just started dating, it would be much less common. I think as we became more comfortable with each other, we became more interested in what we are doing and use each other to air random thoughts.

That said, it's never been to keep track of each other. It just kinda happens naturally. We never text each other that we just left work or where we're going, it's more of an on the spot thing which imo is healthier. Otherwise it feels invasive/trust issue-related rather than as a result of mutual comfort or interest in sharing.
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I mostly text my gfs logistical stuff about meeting up or plans for dates. Save the actual conversation for IRL.
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I don't think I've ever been a "lover," so I can't really help you here.
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