Board 8 > XIII's 2nd Board 8 Battle: ~The 2nd Topic~ ~Top 20~ [B8B2] [T2] [T20]

(+) Yeah! (+)

19 chapters down, 32 people dead. 20 remain.

Full story repost imminent.

--
XIII_rocks, the cream of XIII fanboyism.

Chapter 1

"Yes. Yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Nope, it all went exactly as planned. Yes. OK. I'll be five minutes."

Commodore hung up the phone and put down the unconscious body of Emporer_Kazbar, the last of 52 people he had personally dotted around the abandoned city. Kazbar's can of peanuts lay by his side, and Comm shook his head. "This guy won't last long."

Comm sighed and took off in his jetpack, his sheathed Smegmamune digging into his thigh as he ascended. The city was sprawled beneath him, a plethora of skyscrapers and slums. The place seemed oddly still, almost as if it was waiting for the imminent 51 deaths.

He looked up, away from the city and into the seemingly empty sky. He had already made this trip enough times to know that he should be careful and look for the slight shimmer that indicated the camouflage his boss used to hide their floating ship, the Sharp Spoon. He eventually found it, slightly upwards and on his right, got in underneath it and ascended into the loading bay. His boss appeared on the screen immediately. "My quarters. Now."

Comm wordlessly moved through the ship until eventually he arrived at the Captain's Quarters. He knocked on the door and entered.

He was greeted by the back of a chair, which span around. In the chair was Comm's boss.

"Meow," said the creature sitting there. "Meow meow meow."
"What? Uhh, I mean, excuse me, Minio, ma'am?"
"Just practicing my impression of a normal cat," Minio said. "What did you think?"
Comm shrugged. "Not bad."
"NOT BAD?!" Minio hissed.
"Uhh, I mean, it was great!"
"Better." She nodded and turned, indicating to Comm that he should join her by the bank of screens. He did so.

"Time to wake them up!" said a cackling Minio. "I must say, I'm looking forward to being on the other side of proceedings, aren't you?"
"Yes ma'am," said Comm. He was lying. He hated that he was responsible for putting another 52 people through this hell, but he had been given no choice by the psychotic feline he was now in the employ of. She had his supply of alcohol hostage.

--
m

* * *

In the city, 52 people woke up simultaneously, and a loud, echoed voice could be heard, addressing all of them.
"Hello everybody. Meow. I'm Minio. Everybody say 'hi Minio!'"
Nobody complied. Minio pressed a button and shocked them all.
"I said, say 'HI MINIO!'"
"Hi Minio!" everyone said.
"Good. Now, as you might have guessed, you have all been brought here for a reason. And that reason is very simple. You are going to kill each other. You've all been provided with a weapon at random from the "List of things that could maybe be used as weapons" annual 2012" and now you will fight until one of you remains. And if you don't comply, well..." Minio shocked them all again.
"In the words of the last guy who did one of these..."I'd apologize, but I'm a dick, so I won't." Have a good time everybody!"

Minio took her paw off the intercom button. "How do you think that went? Do you think I caught the right tone?"
"Yes ma'am," said Comm sycophantically.

* * *

Ayvuir shook his head, trying to clear some of the cobwebs. He picked up his weapon, a katana, and looked around. Didn't seem to be anybody nearby, but then he heard a strange, maniacal laughing. Ayvuir whirled around, searching for the source of the sound. There was nothing.

Ayvuir began to walk forward when he heard the laughing again. This time he whirled around and saw somebody...or was it somebody? The person was holding his own head under his arm. A g-a ghost?! Ayvuir didn't believe in ghosts. And yet this one was standing right in front of him, so clearly his belief was being challenged. "Uh, h-hello?" said Ayv.
"You have no hope!" said the ghost. "You will die here!"
"Well my odds are slim, but I thought maybe I had a chanc-"
Ayvuir was cut off in mid sentence by GTM, who clobbered him from behind with the UCA tag-team title, without even breaking stride. He didn't even acknowledge the ghost, apparently not having seen it. The ghost floated forward and looked down at Ayv, still laughing.
"Ahahahaha suck it Ayv," said the ghost of XIII.

* * *

Colegreen had woken up near what might once have been a mechanic's.

His first instinct had been to set up his bomb. He knew it was quite a substantial thing, and knew it could take out quite a few people with its explosive force. So his plan was to set up the bomb, then hole up inside and blow up whoever approached him.

RX7, however, had other ideas. He had woken up in the office next door to the mechanic's, and looking down he saw Colegreen, squatting and trying to figure out how to set up the bomb. Silently RX7 climbed out of the window and shimmied along the sill, eventually getting to the roof of the mechanic's. His weapon was already attached to him - two short blades that he could retract if necessary. Here, though, they were fully extended.

Colegreen smiled as he saw that the bomb had finally been fully activated, and would detonate via the remote he had in his pocket. He drew up to his full height and was about to enter the building when RX7 landed on him. The weird sound from Assassin's Creed that plays whenever you kill somebody could be heard as RX7 buried his hidden blades deep into Colegreen's eyes with such force that his head, of course, fell off.

RX7 should have been celebrating his kill. However, he landed awkwardly and his ankle was sprained. He dragged himself inside and sat up against a wall as he took off his shoe to inspect the damage.

--
http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/small/0810/colonel-metal-gear-solid-snake-colonel-demotivational-poster-1223416269.jpg

Chapter 2

User saveus_maria had woken up inside the city's art studio and had, as a result, spent some time drawing users. However, when Minio shocked him into action he was forced to take up Occam's Razor, his weapon, and seek some action.

Upon picking up the weapon Maria was suddenly imbued with a sense of cold logic. He had a very clear idea of things all of a sudden; he knew that to win this he would have to keep things simple, and not overcomplicate affairs.

The Razor was just that, a Razor. Maria was a bearded lady (or not a lady at all), but the razor was not remotely sharp. Maria could not shave, or even accidentally cut himself, with this pathetic razor. Maria came close to discarding it, but upon losing contact with it he discovered he lost that sense of clarity that he had just acquired. "Occam's Razor dictates that it's Occam's Razor that is giving me this feeling," said Maria. "Occam's Razor within Occam's Razor. It's like Inception. BAAAHHHMMMM."

Maria shook his head and left the art studio to find Chris talking to Masterplum. Plum was wielding a Tough Beetle, which he had aimed squarely at Chris' head. The beetle raised its...beetle-fists and said, "YEAH COME ON WISEGUY, YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME?!"

"I'm not your enemy," Chris wheezed. "I'm barely even real. I'm one of the henchmen of Minio, sent to keep the game in order. No need to aim the beetle at me."
Chris was almost out of breath after this long speech. The tough beetle was struggling against plum's grip, trying to escape so he could prove how tough he was. Plum considered for a moment. "Hmm."
He considered. Minio had never mentioned anything about henchmen, but this man was unarmed. What was his weapon? And the way he talked...it was so convincing. At the same time, though, plum was paranoid. He prepared the beetle to launch into Chris' eye, which would ravage his brain. The tough beetle was psyched at the opportunity to fight.

"Sorry," said Plum. "But occulum's razor says you are scum."
Plum was about to fire the beetle when Maria spoke up. "Wait, did you seriously just say "Occulum's Razor"?"
"Yeah."
"Dude, it's Occam's Razor. Look, I've got it right here!"

Suddenly, MZero11 appeared, screaming "WAHOOOOOOOO!". He jumped over the art studio on his skateboard, landing on Chris and bouncing into the air. Unfortunately, in doing so MZero managed to lose the skateboard and hit the ground painfully. Plum's attention was distracted and Chris, recovering, took this opportunity to "slink" away.

"Beetle! Go!" Plum fired the already-prepared Beetle at a startled MZero and the Beetle tried to do exactly what it had wanted to do to Chris. But MZero recovered quickly, raising his skateboard and batting the beetle out of the way. "OH, THIS GUY'S GOT SOME FIGHT IN HIM!" shouted the tough beetle. "PUT 'EM UP!"

--
http://i.imgur.com/GH3sK.jpg

Maria was like Chris - the "weapon" he had was not something physical, it was something that would aid the mind. And Maria's cold, logical, dictated-by-the-simple-solution mind was telling him to escape while these two had their odd duel. And so he did, sloping off in the same direction as Chris. Maria had been intrigued by the way Chris had managed to make plum doubt himself, and resolved to follow him.

The beetle returned to plum and plum fired it again. While waiting for the beetle to do its stuff, plum got married (good luck man !!). MZero was ready for it again, however, and protected his face with the skateboard once again. The beetle flew back to plum to be reactivated, but now MZero was advancing, looking to turn his defence into offence. He held the skateboard in a coiled position, ready to strike.

Plum whispered something to his beetle and aimed it a bit lower. The beetle, which I have given a persona because that is always far more fun to write about, smirked, its eyes narrowed, as it shot towards MZero's heart. MZero saw it coming and brought up the skakteboard once more to bat the tough beetle out of the way, but the beetle anticipated it and suddenly dived even lower, beneath MZero's defences - and headed straight for the testes. On the Sharp Spoon, Commodore winced.

In case you are doubting how painful this would be, look at this thing.


Now, users that are male, imagine that thing clamping around your testes. Imagine the pain. That is what MZero felt at this moment as his balls were ripped out by the beetle. Not surprisingly, MZero keeled over in the middle of the street, his skateboard dropping limply to the side.

The beetle itself flexed some more as it discarded the testicles, which AlecTrevelyan collected, adding the to his ever-expanding collection. "LOOK AT ME!" it screamed. "LOOK HOW TOUGH I AM!"

plum nodded his approval, sending the beetle out one more time to finish off the defenceless MZero.

* * *

Meanwhile, the city limits began to shimmer and move, almost as if reality itself was being rent apart. Minio did not detect the disturbance, which was probably a good thing.

A black void appeared there suddenly, and a figure emerged from the void. The figure was not the largest, but it held a large, two-handed sword which appeared to have a kind of lump halfway down one side of the blade, as if a crystal of some kind had been fitted to it. For now, though, that was immaterial. What was important was the fact that a non-player was in the city.

--
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5261/5567070428_ee1dcd3590.jpg

Chapter 3

Robazoid woke up in the city's hospital. More precisely, he woke up in a maternity ward, on a hospital bed. "This is bizarre," said Robazoid groggily.
"No, this is SYMBOLISM," said the author, excited about the fact that he was putting his English Degree to use for once.

Anyway, Robazoid staggered out of the ward, taking note of the fact that it was totally abandoned. There was not a soul in sight, and even the usual "hospital" spell was somewhat diminished. As he strolled through the hospital, spear at the ready, Robazoid heard a clanging in the next room, and an odd...rough...rubbing sound.

He clutched the spear more tightly and turned around, moving carefully towards the door.

* * *

"Dewott, use Water Gun!" said GenesisSaga. She had woken up in a small field in a suburban part of the city, most likely put there by the local council or something. It was just a small patch of grass with some goalposts, but it was room enough to train the rather unique weapon she had been given: two Pokeballs, with a Pokemon in each: an Arcanine and a Dewott.

In this case she was doing target practice on a wall. Dewott's aim was a little off. Arcanine's, however, was pretty perfect. His flamethrower was hitting perfectly and she was very happy with this. GenSag picked some grass from the ground and threw it into the air, and Arcanine even hit THAT perfectly. Dewott, however, failed to do so with Water Gun or even the wider-ranged Hydro Pump. She frowned and was about to help Dewott get better when suddenly, AfroSquirrel appeared. Being a Squirrel in human form he had been drawn to the nearest grassy area.

Arcanine, Dewott and GenSag turned to face this new challenger. "OK guys, are you ready?"
The two Pokemon said their names, or made their little cry from the games, or whatever. Either way, she immediately ordered Arcanine to "USE EXTREMESPEED!" which it did.

Afro had a plan of attack ready, though, and withdrew a Portable Hole from one of his Pockets. He threw it straight in front of him and, though Arcanine's movement was almost a blur, he was stopped dead in his tracks when he hit the hole and fell asleep.

"D-Dark void?" said GenesisSaga.

* * *

tyder21 was sanding the cabinet in one of the GPs offices. That is the rubbing sound Robazoid could hear. It was odd.

tyder didn't even turn around when Robazoid came into the room. He continued to pointlessly sand the cabinet. He was singing a slow, creepy song to go with it, which unnerved Roba.

"tyder sands, tyder sands, tyder sands all day long
tyder sands left
tyder sands right
tyder sands all day long."

Robazoid raised his SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! into the air and tyder turned around slowly, as if sensing his imminent death. He looked at the SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

"That's the damnedest spear I've ever seen," said tyder. He looked up at his would-be assailant. "Oh, what an ugly face," tyder said slowly. "You need sanding. Here, I'll help you." tyder began to walk towards Robazoid, who backed away. This man was creepy. He was tall, his presence overbearing. Robazoid froze up. Not only did he find the concept of killing somebody difficult, this guy was just so weird...

It was only when Tyder's shadow fell on Roba that Robazoid finally responded. He shoved the spear into Tyder's heart, impaling him totally. Tyder looked up at him, blood pouring from his mouth. But he was smiling. "I'll sand you down...when I see you in <word removed by cliche-remover 3000>," he said before expiring.

--
"'What is your wife orbits my dick' sounds like you're trying to insult Alex Trebek." - Sir Cobain

Chapter 4

"OK so...my portable holes put people to sleep..." said AfroSquirrel.
"Yes, it's the Pokemon attack Dark Void. You mean you hadn't heard of it?"
"No."
"Oh, well, whatever, DEWOTT USE HYDRO PUMP!"
Dewott let loose a massive torrent of water from its mouth, but it missed completely. Squirrel smirked.

"God dammit..." groaned GenesisSaga. "Welp, last resort time." She sighed and flashed AfroSquirrel.
Afrosquirrel's jaw dropped. "USE SHELL BLADE!" she screamed. And this time it worked, for Dewott used its shortsword shell...things to maximum effect, decapitating AfroSquirrel with a raw display of strength.

"Good...good..." said GenSag. "Dewott, return." Dewott was returned to his Pokeball and she approached Arcanine to check if he was OK. She tried to shake him awake, but nothing doing. It was a somehow deeper sleep than usual...

* * *

On the sharp spoon, Minio sampled a fine wine while Comm watched jealously.

* * *

JeffRaze was headed down the side of a long street securely behind his riot shield. He had elected to play this game cautiously for he knew that, at any moment, he could be ambushed. He was in a downtown area and every building, every nook and cranny, could hold a potential enemy. So Jeff moved slowly, protecting his front and left side with the riot shield. In his other hand he held a devastating magnum.

He heard movement coming around a corner just ahead of him, and stayed stock still, crouching behind the shield and extending his arm in front of him. He tried to stop his arm from shaking but he was unable to do so. He cursed himself, for he knew his aim must remain steady.

BBallman7 also knew somebody was around the corner - he had heard the sudden intake of breath, the planting of the riot shield firmly on the ground. He changed his pace, slowing down and creeping towards the corner of the building. He raised his own magnum slowly and quickly poked it around the corner, firing it.

JeffRaze saw another magnum suddenly appear and panicked, shooting at it. Both shots fired at exactly the same time and hit their targets. The magnums both flew into the air, and both men yelped in pain as their wrists had been severely sprained by the impact.

BBallman recovered first and used his other weapon, a Morningstar, to try and bludgeon JeffRaze before he could get his defences up. JeffRaze saw him just in time, however, and raised the Riot Shield, knocking him away.

The Morningstar was a unique weapon in that the sharp, pointy bit was on a chain - meaning BBallman could get around JeffRaze's defence. JeffRaze, however, had no intention of being purely defensive and advanced on BBallman, thrusting his Riot Shield forward in attempt to overpower his opponent. BBallman only just dodged out of the way, and JeffRaze spun quickly, only just managing to deflect the vicious blow that BBallman aimed at him with his Morningstar.

BBallman did not let up, swinging again and again. The Morningstar finally landed a cut on JeffRaze's shoulder, but JeffRaze barely felt it, such was his adrenaline. BBallman's next swing was so wild that he took his arm a long way to the left, and JeffRaze quickly worked out that BBallman could only swing the weapon one way on the return journey. So he flipped his Riot Shield sideways and charged at BBallman full on.

--
XIII_rocks: He's British

The wielder of the Morningstar dodged again, but this time he tripped over something - one of the fallen magnums. He was sent tumbling to the floor and Jeffraze saw his chance, leaping forward with the Riot Shield and landing a crushing blow to Bballman that left him on the brink of unconsciousness and in no condition to fight. Well, he was certainly in no condition to fight after JeffRaze picked up the magnum and shot him point-blank in the face, decapitating him.

JeffRaze bent over, panting. He saw two magnums on the ground. He didn't know which one he had, but he took the other one anyway. "Don't mind if I do," he said, chuckling as he walked away from the headless body of Bballman.

* * *

"Oh good, I was hoping that would happen," said Minio. "That settles that," she said. She began the process of waking up the only competitor that had not yet been awoken.

--
"To be fair to Herman Cain, we can't all be as wise as Slowking when he's wearing the Shellder of knowledge. Look it up, b****es." - Jon Stewart

CHAPTER 5 AS GUEST-WRITTEN BY ED BELLIS

Dull light. Dull head. Loud voices. Gotta get a grip. There's enough trouble out here in this dead city full of corpses. I'm not jonesing to join 'em. Mouth tastes like dirt. Sand. Grass. Maybe they're euphemisms. Ever stop to wonder about the symbolism behind waking up in a leisure suit sprawled out over a bus stop with a collar around your neck rigged to explode if you don't slaughter a buncha random people? Don't need a liberal-arts degree to understand the world's a cruel place.

Name's vcharon. Call me charon. Weapon's an American flag, if you can call it that – thing's coiled like a rolled-up newspaper with a little point at the end, like you'd see on a blackboard in a classroom. School was never my area of expertise. Too much trouble. Too little time. Too many broken hearts overflowing with anxiety and the black cascade they call death. Death and I got nice and acquainted over the years. Looks like he's gonna be reading me one more bedtime story tonight.

Street looks empty. Competitors have probably been scattered all over, tossed around like a chest full of drawers full of toys full of broken memories. Never broke a dame's heart before, but they seem to have a habit of breaking mine. It's an obsession. The one thing feminism brought into the world was the ability for women to dig their high heels deeper into men's arteries. I clutch my weapon tighter as I patrol the street. God bless America.

There's only so much room inside a man. You've got things that shouldn't be there taking up all of the room and occupying all of the board but not paying any of the rent. Things like a man's place in the world. I don't have time to wander around engaging in senseless killing. I do enough of that inside my heart. Population: me and my therapist, code name hip flask. We get along great. No scheduling problems. Always returns my calls.

You scowl. Maybe this is the residue of your lonely existence, cast out like a fishing lure in a shallow pond. You feel like your heart's about to explode from the sheer audacity of it, the ludicrousness of waking up in a city-sized deathquarium. All you can do is keep walking. All you can do is keep scowling.

And that's when you notice the nail gun pointed squarely at your face.


GrapefruitKing was puzzled. He'd woken up just up the street from this block, and he'd crept slowly around the street, using the overhanging displays of empty buildings for some degree of cover. Then he saw this man, clutching what appeared to be a bundled-up American flag. He didn't seem to pay GFK any mind, even when he was almost on top of the guy, nail gun at the ready.

GFK had made up his mind along the walk down the street. He was incredibly nervous going into this bizarre contest; he had no idea if he'd be able to pull the trigger when push came to shove, even if it was at the cost of his own life. But he'd steeled himself to get through it. And then he saw this man, and he readied himself, and he pointed the nail gun right into his eyes -

And the man didn't even blink. He just stared at GFK with these odd, unblinking eyes. And GFK completely froze.

charon gave a raspy chuckle. “Nothing to lose. Do what you gotta do. But you need more than nails to hold yourself together, kid.”

Regaining his composure – why wasn't this guy bothering to defend himself? – GFK pulled the trigger on the nail gun, but charon batted his hand away, and the nail went flying harmlessly into the nearby building. charon grabbed GFK's wrist and bent it backwards painfully; a loud cracking noise echoed in the empty street.

GFK arched his head back in pain. He couldn't lose here – not to this random crazy person! His fingers still barely clutched onto the nail gun, perhaps through sheer force of willpower.

--
http://i.imgur.com/LjoWT.png

“What's the word, kid?” charon continued to ramble, still not blinking. “Make a wrong turn next to where your heart should be? It's alright – we do what we ca-”

charon's words were interrupted as GFK mustered all his strength into a kick aimed squarely at charon's ribcage. Caught off-guard, charon doubled over and GFK weakly grasped the nail gun with his other, undamaged hand, firing a shot into charon's shoulder and recoiling slightly from the blast.

He wouldn't lose. Not like this.


The nail enters. And it makes you think. What would happen. What would've happened if you'd been more alert. What would've happened if you'd headbutted him instead of trying to break his wrist? What would've happened if she'd never said goodbye?

This kid looks at me with this determined look in his eyes. He wants to win. He doesn't want to die. It's a goal in direct opposition to mine. Only one of use can go home with the grand prize. Only one of us can win the Showcase Showdown. Sorry, Bob Barker – looks like his price was wrong.

I size him up in a split-second. He's wobbling, unsteady, an old man in the body of a twentysomething. He wants to win... but he knows he can't. He lifts his gun and fires – it's a blind shot in the vicinity of my head. He's hoping he'll cut off part of my frontal lobe. Not much point in going for something that doesn't exist.

The nail flies through the air, but it's too late. My weapon is raised and at the ready. The flag is unfurled, and the little point manages to catch the nail, jarring it off its predestined path to my face. I stagger back a bit, but the kid is completely thrown off – is it the flag, standing there proudly that does it? Is it the knowledge that he failed? I don't know. I don't care. I run up to him and wrap the flag around his head. He kicks against my grip, struggles a bit, but he gives up in the end. Everyone does.

He slips out of my grasp like a dead puppet, his chosen weapon rattling on the concrete. And I wonder if things would've been different for me if I hadn't gotten out of bed this morning. If I hadn't made the choices I'd made.

I look at the kid, dead at my feet. Cities crumble, empires fall to dust. And in spite of a nail, some things never change.

Time to keep walking. Time to keep scowling.


Panthera sighed.

It was bad enough that he'd woken up on top of a multistory building due to a painful electric shock. It was even worse that he had received a very loud (and kinda cat-like) message that said in no uncertain terms that he was supposed to be out killing other random people until only one was left. And it was even worse that his only weapon to accomplish this was a frying pan.

But the absolute worst part was probably the fact that he was also decked out in a frilly pink dress with whole gloves and a little gold tiara-crown thing for no discernible reason.

Yeah, not the best way to start off his day.

He looked down off the building and couldn't see anyone immediately beneath him. He tried scanning the horizon and even put his hand up to his ear to listen for far-off noises (since that's what you do when you want to hear farther), to no success. He sighed, letting his hands rest on his elegant dress. He really didn't want to go out there and kill people – and he certainly didn't want to do so dressed like this – but he supposed it was better than waiting around to be ambushed and killed.

Panthera turned around and began walking towards the stairwell that led downstairs – but he heard footsteps coming from below. He froze, and suddenly a man appeared there, out of breath, clutching his sides.

--
XIII_rocks: He's British

“Uh...” Panthera said. He probably should attack the guy now while he had the chance, but he wasn't really doing anything except standing there panting, and Panthera was nothing if not an honorable man in a dress.

Still sweating profusely, the man tried to stand up but ended up wobbling a bit. Eventually he settled for leaning against one of the walls inside the stairwell.

“Are you, uh... okay?” Panthera asked.

The man nodded dully – and then out of nowhere he started yelling.

“MY LADY!” he cried, and he extended his arms towards Panthera before tripping and falling on his face.

Panthera kinda stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do as the guy slowly got up and started moving towards him again.

“I'm so glad you're alright!” the man said. “My name is Regaro. I saw you from atop this high building, looking for a valiant knight to rescue you. So I rushed up the stairs and here I am! Hey, do you have a napkin or something? I'm a little sweaty.”

“...wait a second!” Panthera started. “I'm not -”

“I know, I know,” Regaro said. “You're an independent woman who thinks she doesn't need a man's protection. That's fine. Look, you even have a frying pan as your weapon! That's very cute. But look!”

He gestured to the sword on his back.

“Do you know what this is, my lady? This is Excalibur. I don't mean it's some replica sword you can get off some basement-dweller website, this is the real deal. You know King Arthur? He used this to fight Odysseus! Or something. I dunno. I was never good at history. But as long as I carry it, it's my duty to be a knight to all fair maidens.”

“How do you know it's real?” Panthera asked.

Regaro stared dully at him for a second; his brain didn't seem to process the question.

“Er... never mind,” Panthera said. “Look, I'm really flattered by all this, but you seem to have the wrong idea. I'm not a woman!”

“What?” Regaro frowned. “But your womanly beauty has captivated me!”

Panthera reached up and touched his day-old stubble just to confirm to himself that it still existed. He gestured down at his pink dress. “Just because I'm wearing this doesn't make me female!”

“Obviously my lady is suffering from delusions out of fear,” Regaro said, putting a hand to Panthera's head. “Fear not! I will protect you from any harm. I will make sure no one lays a finger on you. You have my solemn vow.”

“You can't be... wait, what?”

“So long as I draw breath,” Regaro said, his face becoming almost comically solemn, “I will stop at nothing to protect my lady.”

Inside Panthera's tiara-topped mind, the gears began to turn. This dude was obviously a schlub who couldn't run up several flights of stairs without getting winded. But he had in his hands a very powerful weapon – and all Panthera had was a frying pan and (apparently) a decent amount of feminine wiles. He could use this to his advantage, at least until there was another abrupt tone shift in the narrative.

“Very well,” Panthera said, swallowing his pride and pitching his voice a bit higher. “Let's go then... my champion.”

Regaro, who was attentively petting Panthera's hair, beamed. “Excellent, my lady. I will not fail you! And when this trial is behind us, we are going to be the happiest married couple in the world!”

Panthera gulped. He'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

Hopefully.

--
http://i45.tinypic.com/2jdhsno.gif

Chapter 6

The original narrator woke up. Using his godly powers, he punched Ed Bellis in the head for stealing his story. This caused him to be knocked unconscious, the knife falling from his hand. Luckily he was in a random apartment building, so he probably wouldn't be found.

This was not true for Ayvuir, of course, who lay unconscious in the middle of the street. Hilariously enough, that wasn't even Ayv's only concern, for while he was unconscious XIII haunted him with taunts and gestures involving UCA titles and Tottenham beating Newcastle and various examples of his absolute superiority.

"ahahaha suck it Ayv" said XIII after his latest taunt.

* * *

Dante was not particularly interested in the current state of affairs, because he had TV to watch. He had carted it into the nearest house where, in a shameful display of DEM, there was a set of wires and working electricity and stuff that allowed it to work. And a PPV channel all bought and paid for.

So Dante was watching the Royal Rumble, which was down to Chris Jericho and Sheamus.



Dante cringed horribly with every near-defeat for Sheamus. When Jericho managed to hit the Codebreaker on him, Dante hid behind several cushions and watched with a kind of frenzied, writhing nervousness.

Dante was so obviously distracted and this suited the watching Han. The sofa Dante was on had its back to the window, and Han could also see what was on the TV but had no interest in it. Indeed, he was more interested in why somebody would do that when they had people to kill. In any case, he began lining up a shot with his blaster. When Dante next raised his head...

Suddenly, Sheamus threw Jericho over the ropes and Dante jumped up in celebration - but wait! Jericho was hanging on! Dante quickly threw himself down into his previous position, out of Han's sight.

Han breathed a sigh of relief. He had been microseconds away from shooting and potentially wasting his shot, such was the speed with which Dante had moved in premature celebration.

Suddenly, Jericho was eliminated! No! He held on!

...but wait no. Sheamus levelled him with a Brogue Kick! Sheamus wins! Dante flew up in genuine celebration and Han fired. Unfortunately Han had gravely underestimated the extent of Dante's love for Sheamus, for Dante jumped so high that he avoided the shot entirely. It went UNDERNEATH him, and hit the TV screen. The TV cut out, but the glass remained for whatever reason. Dante spun around in outrage at this douche who ruined Sheamus' big celebration. He saw Han through the now broken window and a furious rage ignited in Dante the likes of which had never been seen in several hours at least.

Dante left the room with the TV, forsaking his weapon and completely ignoring Han's second shot which missed him by inches. Han ran towards the door, not wanting his prey to escape through the back door or something.

When he was only about a foot away from the door, Dante surprised him by bursting out of the door.

Indeed surprise was the last emotion that passed through Han's head, and it was immediately followed by a vicious Brogue Kick (yes I am continuing to use that gag) which removed Han's head.

An enraged Dante unplugged the broken-but-not-busted TV and joined the hunt.

--
http://i.imgur.com/GH3sK.jpg

Chapter 7

Todbot's weapon was people.

True story. He had...people. As his weapon. Two of them. One of them was called Dave, and he was a rather large man of around 6'2'' and 240lbs. He could easily blow up a truck with a single glance, but didn't particularly feel like it today. The other was called Jelena. She was from Mother Russia, and enjoyed occasional work in the gulags and such. She spoke fluent Russian, obviously, but no English at all and this was presenting a problem for todbot.

His first instinct had been to kill both, but Minio had given him an instant electric shock and said "you can't kill your weapons, fool!" while laughing and gently assaulting Commodore with her tail. Which was covered in BARBED WIRE.

In any case, todbot pondered. He asked Dave to sit down, and he did. Interesting. He asked Dave to dance like a chicken, and he did. Oh, OK, so they can do what I want. That makes sense, thought Todbot. He turned to Jelena and asked her to sit down. "Eh?" she said, and todbot shook his head.

todbot looked around and saw a building that might hold something...useful for him across the street. It was a long shot, but worth a try given the "weapons" he had been given.

* * *

BrilliantBondageBriantime was having a lot of fun with his acid gun. As he walked, he casually melted streets by firing all over the place. The smell of burnt, destroyed asphalt wafted through his nostrils and he was beginning to love it. He next began to fire at a skyscraper next to him, the acid burning through the objects on the ground floor and the foundations of the building itself, causing to to shake. Minio shocked him. "Don't destroy my city unncessarily!" she meowed angrily, causing her tail to wag from side to side with more force. Comm gasped in pain and she said "STOP YOUR WHINING!"

Bond'sBrokenBongo time took the warning, however, and stopped destroying the place. He clutched his acid launcher to his chest as he mercilessly advanced through the city. He fired at the slightest movement, but not wontonly. However, there were still birds and the occasional rat in this city so he was still firing quite a lot.

As he walked over a piece of unmelted street, however, he slipped and fell on a banana peel...placed there by Dowolf and his banana peel launcher!

The identity of the culprit was the least of BoningBeyonceBodaciouslytime's worries, however, as he had accidentally pulled the trigger of his acid gun as he had fallen. The acid flew in a wide arc into the sky, melting a couple of floors of the nearest buildings and causing general destruction. A good deal of it, though, was headed back to THA STREETZ from whence it came. BoredBolivianBreakdancertime saw the acid stop its ascent and begin to fall, and he quickly got up to run out of its path. He got up and began to run, stumbling on the wreckage he, himself, had caused.

He was almost there. Almost...there... but no. Another banana peel landed in front of him, mere inches in front of him. There was no way to avoid it - his reactions simply weren't quick enough. He slipped again and fell head over heels, breaking his neck on the concrete and expiring. His fall, funnily enough, was ALMOST enough to take him out of the range of the acid that hit the ground with melty force. Almost, but not quite. He had done a somersault when he fell, like this:



--
"I wish I was French." - blindhobo13
"I don't think you know what "French" means." - As I Desire

Needless to say, his head melted off, but not the rest of him.

On the roof of a low building just a little way up the street, dowolf snickered. That had had better results than he thought.

* * *

Mcflubbin had woken up in a firing range. This was not good for him psychologically, because it had shown him how poor his aim was. He could not hit any of the targets for the life of him and was actually starting to get quite disheartened. He activated the range one more time, hoping for some better results, when suddenly music started playing in the range. The surprised caused him to get his first bullseye!

He was briefly happy but then he focussed on the song, which he recognised. It was called "Against All Odds". How strange.

--
http://www.gifsoup.com/view/345927/omg-cat-danny-rose-o.gif

Chapter 8

"Sword of evil's bane," said firefdr in awe. He examined the sword that he had received as his weapon in wonder, looking over every inch of it. It was a fine piece of work and exuded power.
"YEAH!" screamed a voice right behind fire, which caused him to nearly jump out of his skin. Fortunately, he did not. That would have been messy even by the standards of this game, and did you read the last chapter?

fdr turned around. Standing there was a guy wearing a rather ostentatious "University of Kentucky" hoodie and looking generally terrible.
"Who the hell are you?" shouted fdr before remembering he had to kill people. He swung his sword viciously at the figure and it went right through him.
Ignoring this completely, the man said "I'm MichaelWClark, and I am your Master Sword Guide™!"
"uhh...great?" said a still-shaken-up firefdr.

"Awesome! I know a ton about the Master Sword that nobody knows about and I place incredible value in just how powerful and awesome it is. With me around you will be able to get full value out of your Master Sword™!"
"yay," said fdr. He was still befuddled by this but decided to just go with it, since he couldn't kill the guy.
"Now at this point I am required to ask you how you would rate your service so far, on a scale from 1-10. It's a company thing."
"Oh. Well, I appreciate the help but you DID make me jump when you screamed, so I'd say...about an 8.8?"
MWC roared in outrage. "NO. F*** YOU. YOU DO NOT GIVE ME THAT TOXIC SCORE I WILL END YOU AND BREAK YOU."
"Jeez, relax. Rise above hate. Hustle, work harder, show some loyalty and respect to your client."
"HR80342qew9id0fuwHYGFHHIO!!!!!" screamed MWC.
"Alright Big Papi, just calm-"
The sound that emanated from MWC could not be accurately expressed in words.

Fire and MWC's relationship was never quite the same after that outburst. MWC described the functions of the Master Sword accurately, but with lots of CAPITAL LETTERS so I won't bother explaining most of it.

"FOR EXAMPLE, in my world the Master Sword can shoot lightning from its ass."
"But it doesn't even have an a-"
"IT CAN SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM ITS ASS!"
"OK, jeez," said fdr wearily. They had been there for about an hour.
"For example," said MWC, his teeth gritted to stop himself raging more, "look at this mysterious-looking guy with the top hat."
fdr looked. Sure enough, Stan walked past the window of the Chinese restaurant fdr had woken up in.

Stan had had a rough day, and it was about to get a lot worse. He didn't like his weapon much, but he knew he would just have to make do. Minio had told him secretly that she was betting on him to win, and so if he didn't she would haunt his soul after he died. Stan was a rational fellow for the most part and would normally reject such an outrageous claim, but when Stan had thought to himself "pfft, yeah right," Minio had shocked him again and said "I HEARD THAT!"

So yeah, Stan was pretty convinced that Minio would be able to mess with his soul. She was a talking, demonic kitten after all.

Stan saw his first opponent through the large window that dominated the front of the store at the same time as fdr saw him through it. Stan also saw MWC but he was instantly told by a voice in his head that he "wasn't a target". So Stan quickly ripped the top hat from his head and threw it threw the window - which it smashed with ease - aiming at fdr.

FDR was still arguing with MWC about the merits of nuking a city, while trying to get the lightning function to work. He only just managed to avoid the lethal top hat in time, but MWC was not so lucky. His head was removed. "Bah, this sucks," said the disembodied head.

--
k

The hat flew back to Stan who prepared to throw again. "Anyway, IDIOT, just hit the button there on the hilt and-OH CRAP"

fdr had followed the advice and sure enough Stan was hit square in the face with a bolt of lightning. His hat fell off his head, then Minio made the floor rubber so it bounced up and decapitated him. Bad times for MysteriousStan.

"See, I TOLD you!" crowed MWC.
"Awesome," said fdr. "If we keep going like this, the champ could be here."
MWC's head shook violently with rage.

fdr was going to ask what was wrong but suddenly, Emporer_Kazbar appeared from the back of the restaurant. EmpKaz had the appearance of a small, Chinese man. "HEY! YOU IN MY RESTAUWANT!" he screamed and threw his can of peanuts at fdr.

Fdr was quite surprised by this turn of events, and even more so when the peanut can EXPLODED into a pile of spring snakes, all of which landed on MWC. He was unable to remove them because he was now bodiless. "Oh, well this is just great," he said.

A large bruise was rising in fdr's head from where the can had hit. Groggily, he raised his master sword to fire more lightning but this time he hit the wrong button and a dove appeared.

"Oh whatever, I'll just do this the old fashioned way," said fire. He leapt towards Kazbar with much haste ("oh yeah," grunted MWC from underneath the fake snakes, "the master sword also makes you faster and more durable") but Kazbar had swiftly moved out of the way and performed an expert karate-kick on fdr. Pain shot up fdr's back as he stumbled out of the way of another kick and spun around swinging, missing Kazbar by inches.

"Oh wow," said Kazbar, "you fight Boston-style!"
"What on earth is Boston sty-" but fdr's sentence was never completed as MWC's head literally exploded in rage. This distracted Kazbar just long enough for fdr to capitalize and run the man through.

"Well that was very...very odd," sighed fdr. Without a backward glance, he shook his head and left the restaurant. "I...yeah. I thought you said you were going to dial down the crazy with this story, author?" he asked nobody in particular.

"F*** you b**** I'm the #1 user on board 8, I do what I want."

--
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5261/5567070428_ee1dcd3590.jpg

Chapter 9

ngirl had woken up with a shirt. That was all she apparently had in terms of weaponry - a shirt. She was at least glad that said shirt was actually a football shirt, that of her native Newcastle, but as a weapon it had virtually no relevance or importance whatsoever.

She took in her surroundings. She had woken up in a back alley in a condensed part of the city's downtown area, and had no clue where to even start. Where were her enemies? Who could she kill? How could she kill them with such a bad weapon?

She began to move out of the alley when an incredibly loud sound of ABSOLUTE DESTRUCTION met her ears. She comically retraced her steps, stumbling backwards towards the alley's back wall.

Blairville had arrived in the downtown area and he was swinging his loooooooongsword around. No, that's not a euphemism. The loooooooongsword was about 20 feet loooooooong and as a result, buildings and benches and fire hydrants and such were being completely wrecked every time he swung it from side to side. He giggled at his destruction.

ngirl ducked behind a bin. She had no hope of mastering a man with such a huge weapon - it would simply be impossible for her to make any contact with him without being penetrated by it. However, as soon as she saw Blairville pass him her mind inexplicably began to kick into overdrive and she thought up a lot of offensive things about Blairville's past life.

"His dick is so small
His dick is so SMAALLLL
Poor little Blairville
his dick is so small"

She sang it as loudly as she could. It was true, as well, and Blairville knew it. That was why he had been so happy to receive this weapon. He turned towards the sound angrily.

Sadly, dowolf was also in that area of downtown. The building he had been in when he killed BadlyBrokenBallstime was right next to the alley ngirl had woken up in, though she did not know it. He had also turned towards the source of the sound, looking out of the window for it. He saw Blairville, but it was too late. When Blairville turned, the loooooongsword completely obliterated the foundations of the building, causing it to collapse.

One of the columns of the building crushed dowolf's head, killing him.

The building collapsed. Ngirl quickly jumped into the large, dumpster-style bins she had been hiding behind and got inside. The rubble rolled off the slanted edge of the bin , leaving her untouched and able to get out.

On the other side of the rubble, Blairville looked angrily at what he had done. He wanted revenge on the woman who had insulted him so. He yanked his sword out of the rubble and held it off to the side, reaching far up the block so it was level with the next street.

Walking down said street was GANON, who casually walked by. "ooh, a sword," he said. He touched it without stopping and moved on. Here's another terrible picture to illustrate the situation.



Suddenly the sword was made of solid gold, and impossible to lift. Blairville was yanked downwards, the sword once so easily wielded now a deadweight in his hand. His shoulder was dislocated but that was the least of his worries, as a screaming ngirl leapt from the rubble to ambush him.

Blairville could not defend himself quick enough and ngirl wrapped her legs around his neck, suffocating him to death slowly. As he died, ngirl chanted about how Blairville's dad had a job washing elephants and about how his mother didn't even wear LIPSTICK

Blairville's anger and frustration subsided, as did every other thought in his body as life ebbed out of him. He ded, lol

--
http://i.imgur.com/vzqzu.gif

Chapter 10

Haguile had been the last competitor to wake up. He was quite comfortable, since he was in the master bedroom of a large, uptown mansion. Minio ran through "The Speech" pretty quickly, because she was involved in an intense game of Chess with Comm. Every time she lost a piece she took a sip of wine, which enraged her sober-for-far-too-long employee.

Haguile nodded to himself. "Alright...gotta kill people." He looked at his weapon.

Except he didn't have one.

"UHHHH, KITTEN THING. YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A WEAPON."

Minio casually took about 4 of Comm's pieces in one move. Comm thought about protesting about this blatant cheating, but decided against it. With her tail she pressed the intercom, saying "dude your weapon is in the en suite of that room you're in. Now shut up and kill," she added angrily, shocking Haguile.

After he had recovered, he said "oh". Haguile rolled out of bed, stretched a bit and moved towards the en suite bathroom.

Inside he had quite a shock. Sitting there on the toilet lid was...a basketball! But it had eyes and a mouth. "Oh hi. You must be Haguile," said the basketball.

Haguile yelped. "YELP!" yelped a yelping Haguile.
"Yes, yes, I'm a basketball. But I was once human."
Haguile was silent.
"I was a human, and I was killed by this clown called JeffreyRaze. Or so I thought, because next thing I knew I had been reincarnated here. As a basketball. I saw myself in the mirror."
"We-well...can you move on your own?"
"Yes, but that cat told me I wasn't allowed to until you saw me. Now you've seen me, I can GO KILL HIM!"
"Wait, who?"
"JeffreyRaze, of course!"
Suddenly BBallman bounced high off the toilet lid and bounced past Haguile, out of the en suite door and out of the window.

Unfortunately for Robazoid, he had been walking by at just this moment. He looked up, but BBallman was hitting the ground with such force that Roba never stood a chance. BBall landed on Robazoid's head, decapitating him. BBall COULD have moved, but then thought he might as well eliminate one more non-JeffRaze competitor to ensure he actually saw JeffRaze soon.

Minio pressed another button with her tail as Comm took her rook. This annoyed her - she had not seen it coming. She took an extra-long gulp of wine and then some vodka as a kind of "punishment" for Comm.

The button acted as a sort of slingshot, and BBallman bounced up from Robazoid's dead body completely on his own.

"Noooo you don't," said Minio to both of them. "You two have to stick together. Gotta play fair!"
"FAIR? MY WEAPON IS A PSYCHOTIC, REINCARNATED BASKETBALL!" screamed Haguile. He got a shock for his efforts and Minio said nothing more, since Comm had put her in Check. She moved out of it by putting her Rook back on the table and taking two more of his pieces with it. Comm scowled.

* * *

Cody grinned. eddv stood no chance against him and his Omega Quack-O-Blitzer.

Yes, they had both woken up on neighbouring lawns which gave eddv some kind of home-field advantage, but he had a huge f***ing lazer gun thing and eddv didn't. Eddv threw some darts at cody, which cody dodged easily. Even if they had hit him, they wouldn't have had much effect.

When eddv stopped throwing, cody smiled. "You about done?" he fired at eddv. Who didn't die.

Rather he was transformed into an odd duck/phoenix hybridg, or "ducknix". Ed-ducknix's mind was intact but his body was out of his control, as he took up a position directly behind cody. Cody, surprised at this turn of events, reached behind him for edDucknix but he was just out of his reach. Cody span around, but Duckdv moved around him at the same pace, always just a couple of feet behind cody no matter what he did.

--
k

Minio spoke. "Oh yeah cody your gun doesn't kill people, it turns people into duck/phoenixes which protect you from attack."
"ohh."
In his mind eddv was screaming, but there was nothing that could be done.
"The effect will wear off eventually, and he-F*** YOU COMM!" she suddenly screamed as Comm put her in check once again. She flipped the board and sighed.
"As I was saying, the effect will wear off eventually, and he'll die."
"I see."
A still-angry Minio downed two bottles of wine and said "jeez I'm just putting out fires for these contestants all over the place today-"

"FIRES?! WHERE?!" screamed a voice as Maniac drove down the street in his trusty firetruck.

--
"I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I don't have to write it on the back of a T-Shirt to prove it, because I AM it." - Chris Jericho

Chapter 11

azuarc bounced around on his pogo stick happily. He had achieved great things with it already - well, as great as you could with a pogo stick anyway. He had managed to vault over several buildings. At once. His leaps were almost comically high and at one point Minio actually feared for her safety up in the sharp spoon.

Unfortunately his rather extreme method of travel had led to a lack of control in his movements. So when he passed ExThaNemesis in the street, the blades on the footpegs landed deep cuts on his legs shoulder - but by the time azuard had stopped and returned to where he was, ExTha had disappeared.

azuarc hopped there for a moment, looking around for him.

ExTha was stock still, fighting the urge to scream as his cuts bled profusely. He was hiding behind a nearby fire hydrant and did not even have to crouch to achieve that.

azuarc hopped up and down for a while - ExTha could hear the springing of the pogo stick as it bounced up and down - but ExTha managed to stay concealed and eventually azuarc left.

He had hopped for only a few seconds down the street - which actually corresponded to about 10 blocks - when the base of the pogo stick was shot. azuarc had learnt his lesson and stopped quicker this time, spinning around.

Speedyoshi was standing there, his Golden Guns in hand.

"It was foolish to challenge me," said azuarc, landing near him. "I can hop over several things. Except for your MOTHER. YEAAAHHH-OH S***"
SpeedYoshi had wordlessly taken a shot at him, and another. One missed and the other hit the pogo stick's central bar and deflected away, missing him narrowly. azuarc turned and tried to flee. He was in mid-jump, narrowly avoiding another shot from SpeedYoshi, when suddenly a missile hit him in the face and he utterly exploded into several little azuarcs, who then also exploded while ranking VG Music.

"heheheh. Well done, Charles," said Caelus, petting his cybernetic war-elk. The elk nodded and Caelus took a quick swig of the whiskey from the elk's attached mini-fridge. On the sharp spoon, Comm scowled and Minio scratched him multiple times for his transgression while forcing him to lose to her at Backgammon.

Speedyoshi quickly changed targets and began firing at the War Elk, which was on a balcony a couple of floors up from street level. Caelus smirked and simply commanded Charles to fire more missiles at SpeedYoshi, who turned and ran while firing behind him randomly.

He was able to hit and destroy a couple of the missiles. Sadly, though, RX7InfinitiIII was hobbling down the street, trying desperately to chase Wedge Antilles, despite his sprained ankle. He had recently seen the would-be X-Wing Pilot and was stalking him, hoping for another easy kill even with his injury. Sadly, Wedge had sensed his presence already and Portal'd out of there. If only RX7 had realized that. If only he had the sense of a true assassin. He might have abandoned the chase that was now going to KILL HIM as one of the stray bullets hit him in the ear. It bounced around in his head for a bit before he keeled over, dead.

SpeedYoshi had managed to escape all the missiles through a combination of luck and great accuracy with his guns. He dove into the nearest building - a department store - and ran to the top floor, trying to put as much distance between himself and the crazy war-elk as possible.

Caelus just sighed, arrogantly petting Charles. "Ah well," said Saylus. "We'll get him next time. WAR-ELK AWAY!" he shouted as the Elk took flight using its...rocket boosters I guess. He flew into the proverbial sunset, looking for somebody else to kill while firing missiles and lazers for no other reason than the fact it amused him. Sadly these destroyed Maniac's firetruck. "TATYAAAAAAAAAAN!" screamed Maniac's ghost.

--
http://i.imgur.com/j5f3K.gif

Chapter 12

Pram_the_Oracle, NioraptH and Raka_Putra had all woken up simultaneously. Even before Nio had started speaking their first words were "so...SEAlliance time?"

They did not know why, they were just oddly drawn to the idea of a SEAlliance. They did not even know what "SEAlliance" meant, it was just something they were incredibly keen on making happen.

Minio, however, did not like this idea. She did not want Nio to win this contest, but nor did Minio want her to die. She knew that some kind of "alliance" would both increase Nio's chances of winning, and increase Nio's chances of being backstabbed by her would-be allies..."isn't that right, Comm?"

Comm blushed and looked away, remembering that time he betrayed Caelus.

So no, Minio had taken great measures to avoid the SEAlliance, which she had predicted they would want with her KITTEN POWAH. Minio furrowed her kitten-brow and meowed ponderously as she saw that the three of them were still keen to form this alliance, but resolved to cross that bridge when she came to it.

For now, Nio examined her weapon. It was a sharkswordfish who could evidently breathe and such above ground, and even talk because it said "...sup," in a cool kind of way.

"Nothing much," said Nio, treating this in an entirely normal manner. She looked at the sharkswordfish for a moment. "I will have to name you something," she said. "Hmm...I think I will call you...NioWRATH".
"Oh yes. I like that," growled the newly-named Niowrath.

"And look," said Wrath. "Our first victim."

Sure enough, TheKnightOfNee was standing just down the street, panicked and slightly disturbed by both the monstrosity that lay before him and the SharkSwordfish (ok sorry Nio that was mean but I couldn't resist). He smelled AMAZING, like pears, since he had been using his soap regularly in the absence of other things to do. However, he was utterly defenceless against Niowrath. The sharkswordfish swam through the air towards him as if this was the ocean itself, and game within inches of spearing the fleeing Nee who ducked just in time.

Nee had more or less no other option so he squirted the soap at the hybrid sea-but-not-really-creature.

He got lucky, as Niowrath had just turned around for another assault. He took soap right between the eyes and screamed. "OH GOD I'M BLIND. AUGHGGHGHH," screeched the flailing sharkswordfish. Nee dodged out of the way of the wild blows and approached Nio, the weapon's master, with haste.

In the "you lost LOL" lobby, Kazbar winced. "Know what that's like."

Nio liked King of Fighters but she did not fancy her chances in a physical fight against Nee, who was heavier and taller than she was. She put up her fists ready to defend, but Nee simply rammed into her and she was sent flying. She hit the asphalt with a thud and spat blood out of her mouth, withdrawing from the advancing Nee.

Nee approached slowly, ready to choke Nio to death with his bare hands if necessary. He crouched, but she kicked out, hitting him in the stomach and winding him. Nee backed away, coughing, but before Nio could get to her feet he had redoubled his assault, aiming kicks at her aggressively. Nio shouted out, "NIOWRATH! HELP!"

--
"My goal is to make this s*** cool again." - CM Punk

Niowrath realized his calling in life was not to sit there moaning about being temporarily blinded by soap and, eyes shut, soared towards the source of the sound. Nee had been overcome by bloodlust and was too busy assaulting a grounded Nio, who did her best to cover up and repel the attack. Nee didn't hear the approaching sharkswordfish and this was his downfall, because it speared right through his head.

"Like a boss," said Niowrath as he withdrew his blade/nose/snout from Nee's head (which fell off) and began casually eating his leg.

Nio limped towards the nearest house, looking to patch up her bruises and wounds. She called Wrath with her and he followed reluctantly.

After Nio had departed the scene, Regaro - still escorting Panthera - waltzed by campily, snorting at his fallen opponent. "Only room for one knight around here, esquire!"

-=-

Meanwhile, GTM's championship title disappeared from him. CrimsonOcean, who had until that point simply been strolling along with her handaxes, looking for someone to kill, was surprised when the UCA Tag-Team title wrapped itself around her waist for seemingly no reason at all. She paused, cocked her head and nodded, finding this acceptable.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-" screamed GTM.

--
http://i45.tinypic.com/2jdhsno.gif

Chapter XIII

GTM was panicking about the sudden disappearance of his weapon when suddenly a new title appeared in front of him. It was the B8UCA MELEE MAYHEM championship which he had won dubiously.

Maniac appeared in another firetruck and, upon seeing GTM with the title, was outraged. He drove it at GTM, but GTM was able to dodge out of the way into a gap between two houses. The firetruck careered off the road and exploded.

* * *

KingBartz's Giant Phallus was certainly an interesting weapon. It seemed to be made of Iron, but it was not particularly heavy or difficult to wield. It was odd. Bartz shrugged, knowing he would have to-suddenly, he was knocked unconscious by me for having an FF5 username.

In the unconscious world Bartz met Bellis and Ayvuir, who had been sitting down with drinks. Ayvuir was occasionally mentally assaulted by me while there but mostly I got bored of it, allowing Ayvuir to enjoy his time unconscious. Bartz's arrival, however, shifted the dynamic of things entirely. Bellis stared at the Phallus wide-eyed.
"What the hell kind of weapon is that? What are you doing?" asked Bellis.
"Overcompensating," shrugged Bartz.
Bellis was about to talk more when suddenly he faded away. Bartz shrugged, and finished Bellis' drink for him. He began to talk to Ayvuir, but he did not prove particularly interesting conversation for the moment, because he was being mentally taunted by XIII with this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/16884811

* * *

Bellis woke up suddenly as he was pulled out of his slumber. He screamed, trying to remember the face of the man with the giant phallus, but the image was slipping from his memory like water from cupped hands.

He tried to knock himself out again, hitting his head on the wall, in order to return there. But he simply could not do it, because my plot power wouldn't let him. Bellis, now enraged, leapt from the second-story window of the room he had found himself in and began to look for somebody to take out his frustration on. He hated that he was stuck in this game armed only with a knife and he hated that he had been knocked unconscious by a metaphysical force only to be revived just when the unconsciousness got interesting.

He stormed around the street, looking for a sign of life.

Dante was also angry, so in a not-so-rare moment of plot convenience, they were in the same street. Dante and Bellis stared at each other, each getting progressively angrier when they saw that they were being out-angered by somebody else. A small amount of steam came out of Dante's ears, and he took that as his cue to charge Bellis. Bellis followed suit.

When they were about 5 yards apart Dante hurled his television set at Bellis and it hit him square in the head, knocking him out.

"Thanks!" said Bellis a split second before his vision faded once again.

He was in the unconscious world for only a couple of seconds, however, because I brought him back again, cursing Dante for throwing the TV so hard he actually briefly managed to overcome my plot power. But you don't write a chapter of my story without consequences so I was still not going to allow Bellis to stay there if it was where he wanted to be.

This caused Bellis to fly into such a state of madness that he literally mutated into "Mad Bellis". Dante, who thought he had killed Bellis and had turned away, was stunned to turn around and see an Ed Bellis who was now both rather larger than he was before, and also wearing a shirt that said "mad" on it. This was the last thing Dante saw that had any significance - he attempted a Brogue kick on Bellis but Bellis simply glared at Dante with such rage that Dante was cowed, and stopped mid-kick. Then Bellis stabbed him about eleven times and Dante was no more.

Bellis turned around, bloodlust overtaking him. He searched for somebody else to kill.

--
http://img.imgcake.com/13bearspngvu.png

He came across Sir Chris, who was walking around coolly about twenty feet away. Behind that, Bellis could see user saveus_Maria stalking Chris, hiding behind trees and such.

"HEY SIR CHRIS," roared Bellis. "YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED, RIGHT?"
"Yes, actually," said Chris calmly, not at all surprised by Bellis' appearance. "I was going to kill him later but you ruined it."
Maria winced, but stayed hidden.
"Now," continued Chris. "Let's talk about you. I surmise that you are going to try and kill me but I think you should know that I am an ally for you, and not only that I'm both knife-and-bullet-proof anyway. I think you'd be better off protecting me because I'm more valuable to you alive."
"HMM," pondered Mad Bellis loudly. "NAH." He flung his knife viciously in Chris' direction.

"##KILL: SIR CHRIS," Bellis said at a decibel level that is almost indescribable.

The knife plunged into Sir Chris's stomach, and he keeled over. Bellis advanced towards him mercilessly, Sir Chris grunting "wait...I am town...don't..."
"WELL I'M INDEPENDENT SK SO THAT IS IMMATERIAL," screamed Bellis as he tore Chris limb from limb. A message appeared in the air.

Sir Chris has died. He was Sir Chris, SCUM Godfather.

"OH, HE WAS LYING." shouted Bellis. "WELL, WHATEVER. NOW TO DEAL WITH THIS OTHER PATHETIC WORM."

Bellis stomped towards Maria who took a deep breath and stepped out from behind the tree, talking quickly as Bellis approached, the ground shaking beneath him.

"...OK, NONE of this makes any sense," said the intensely logical Maria. "You becoming a superangry alter-ego doesn't make any sense and you sharing an unconscious world with other unconscious people doesn't make any sense."
Bellis stopped briefly. "HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE UNCONSCIOUS WORLD?!"
"Plot power," I said. "You should really know this by now."
Bellis shrugged and continued to stomp towards Maria, who went on:
"For those to be true you have to assume that you've been capable of telepathic links to other people, as well as massive, instantaneous mutations for your entire life, which is probably impossible - or that's what you've been given as your weapon. But that doesn't make any sense either because you have my old knife, and having mind powers, the ability to mutate AND a knife would be ridiculous. Especially when all I have is this crappy razor and a strong sense of logic."

"RAWWWRRR," screamed Mad Bellis, now only a few feet away from Maria and getting closer all the time.
"Yes, rawr," said Maria thoughtfully. "I can only presume that this is all an illusion put in place by either Minio or some higher power, because there's no way this can possibly be real."
It was as if a switch had been flicked. Mad Bellis, while still angry, no longer had his superhuman size and strength. In fact, he now looked rather pathetic in comparison.
"Good," said Maria. "Cold logic wins again."
Bellis raised his knife but saveus was too fast, spearing Bellis to the ground before jabbing the razor into his eye. Bellis' eyeball burst and his knife clattered to the ground as he screamed in pain. Maria picked it up. It felt...natural in his hand. He nodded with satisfaction and plunged it into Bellis' heart in the simplest, most efficient way possible.

A watching Pirateking munched on his sandwich and stalked away.

* * *

"...Damn," said XIII. "Occam's Razor is kind of an overpowered weapon. It's even messing with my horrible deus ex machina writing!"
"Yes," agreed Minio angrily. "Way to ruin my game, jerk. I was just starting to enjoy the rampage of Mad Bellis."
"I just want some alcohol ;_;" cried Comm in the background.

--
k

Chapter 14

Silverliner moseyed along, casually summoning and uhh...un-summoning "gamefaqs" flash as he did so. He was not particularly hurried, for gamefaqs flash did all the hurrying for him.

GameFAQs Flash was indeed the most powerful weapon in this game, even more powerful than Occam's Razor. For example, he modified WiggumFan's boomxbox so it was constantly stuck on "in the air tonight", which was just a dick move for the sake of being a dick move. Minio's friends at the shelter for..uhh...kitten...spies (yep) had made Silverliner the favourite, but sadly favourites tend not to win b8b. That is why Silverliner will die at the end of this chapter.

Chronic's weapon was considerably more simple, but he was happy with what he had. He had been given a Revolver and a Machete, with which he could quite easily destroy all the b****es at close or long range. This was adequate for his needs, despite his "Chronic" backache (oh yeaahhhh).

Chronic was fine with his revolver, which had infinte ammo, but he had no accuracy with it, having had no prior experience wielding a gun. So when he came across a building with "firing range" emblazoned over it, he quite happily entered. In doing so he did not see Wigs, who was fiddling with his boombox, trying to make it play a different song. Wigs looked up when he heard the door open and shut but Chronic was already gone.

MisterSmartGuy had taken the back door, usually reserved for staff. He did not know what building this was, but he had heard noise from within, so he entered.

Chronic walked into the firing range in an entirely normal manner but he was quickly on tenterhooks as he heard noise down below.

mcflubbin was swearing viciously at his firing attempts. They were getting better, but only a mite better - certainly not good enough for him to survive long yet. He picked up his arrows and tried again to hit the target on the underground range.

Chronic took the stairs down, spurning the elevator for plot-based reaso-I mean, because he had claustrophobia. Sure, we'll go with that. Chronic opened the door and peeked inside. mcflubbin was standing with his back to him, concentrating on his next shot. Chronic smirked and raised his revolver in anticipation of the easy, early kill. He lined up the shot, cocked the weapon-

-and mcflubbin fired his bow and arrow. Due to an unfortunate DEM twist of fate, the arrow bounced off the wall and defied physics by reversing itself, while doing somersaults, towards Chronic. Chronic had been just about to pull the trigger but NOPE, he had to duck out of the way of the lethal arrow.

mcflubbin span around, saw Chronic and reloaded his bow, firing. Chronic, recovering from the surprise, quickly fired at mcflubbin in response.

The bullet and arrow hit each other, causing an explosion. They were sent flying in opposite directions as a result, and Chronic, having taken the brunt of it, hit the wall. The Revolver clattered out of his hand. mcflubbin held on to his bow and arrow and fired it at the sound of the impact. He missed, obv.

He continued to fire, panicking, having no idea where Chronic was. Every single shot missed. mcflubbin swore again, but his violent outburst became a whimper as Chronic emerged from the clearing smoke, singed and smoking slightly, but very much alive. Chronic had lost his revolver but he had his Machete, and he charged mcflubbin with it. mcflubbin continued to fire repeatedly but he simply could not hit Chronic. Chronic raised his machete triumphantly and brought it down in a horrific slicing motion, but mcflubbin managed to dodge just in time. He rolled out of the way, got up, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Suddenly a voice sounded in his head. "Use the force, mcflubbin," said Sir Cobain. mcflubbin nodded and fired, and the arrow hit Chronic full in the face. He expired.

mcflubbin breathed a sigh of relief, laughing slightly.

--
bears

Unfortunately he was too busy celebrating the fact that he had actually managed to hit somebody to notice the elevator making a "ding" sound, and MisterSmartGuy emerging from it. Well, he did notice, but it was a little too late. He turned and fired blind, but MSG destroyed the arrow - which would have missed anyway LOL - with his apoca-fists. McFlubbin hurriedly attempted to fire again but MSG was on him, punching him in the face. Naturally the head came off, before imploding. It's nice to be actually able to justify the decapitation for once.

Cobain chuckled contentedly inside City Hall. He was actually only a padawan, but enjoyed the fact that his powers had advanced to the point of long-distance telepathy.

"hay guyz what's going on in this topix" said Silverliner as he waltzed into the firing range arrogantly, GameFAQs Flash in tow. MSG did not hesitate, spinning around and leaping towards the door before utterly obliterating him with the apoca-fists.

MSG nodded, satisfied with his work, and left the range. GameFAQs Flash was left alone and said, "hmm. Well this simply will not do," and reversed time specifically in the 1ft-by-1ft area that Silver had been standing in, reviving him. SWERVED.

--
http://img.imgcake.com/13bearspngvu.png

This smug look caused such a massive amount of outrage on BBallman's part that he actually overcame me. Yes, literally overcame XIII_rocks, the author, to stay in this story so he could beat the holy living crap out of JeffreyRaze.

And yet he still couldn't escape this plastiglass pod thing, go figure.

Anyway, the first pod opened at random. CrimsonOcean emerged! GTM's blood boiled with rage at the sight of his championship title wrapped around her waist. "Greedy, Titlestealing Mare!" he shouted, and began a relentless assault.

CO repelled him with her handaxes, however, scoring deep cuts to his general body which GTM ignored. "GTM Toils Medicalattentionless!"

GTM changed tack, trying to get around CO by swinging the championship from a distance. However, CO simply removed her own championship, leading to a bizarre championship duel which BBallman totally ignored in his attempts to escape his pod. JeffRaze started to panic, firing his magnums at the pod walls to no avail.

Crim's tag-team title had more metal on the edge of the strap, meaning it whipped harder and easier. This allowed her to score a painful blow to GTM's fingers, and he dropped his own title, yelping in pain. "Ghastly, Titillating Maimage!" he cried, and these were his last words.

CO yelled in triumph and as GTM scrambled to recover his weapon, she sliced his head off with her handaxes.

This was well-timed, as the final pod opened at that moment. It was...JeffreyRaze's pod! He quickly attempted to shoot his way out of the chamber, but to no avail. His interest in CO was minimal, and she was tired after her fight with GTM so the feeling was reciprocated.

"...ahhh f*** this," said Minio with a smirk, unleashing the remaining chamber as well.
"Y U NO PLAY FAIR?" asked Comm.

"NO!" screamed JeffRaze as the maniacal BBallman escaped.

"HEY! I WANT MY F***ING LOYALTIES!" screamed Maniac as he drove past in his third(?) firetruck. Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to say "maniac" without acknowledging Maniac64. Unfortunately Maniac was so distracted by this that he drove right into the elimination chamber, blowing up the firetruck but more importantly creating a hole from which JeffRaze quickly made his escape.

"NO YOU F***ING GET BACK HERE!" screamed BBallman as JeffRaze ran towards the hole. BBallman was on course to hit JeffRaze so hard he would certainly have decapitated him, but JeffRaze had the presence of mind to bat him out of the way with the Riot Shield. This left a sizeable dent.

BBallman was sent bouncing around the chamber, which gave JeffRaze time to put some distance between them. The manic (not maniac!) basketball recovered quickly, however, and gave chase.

The Chamber now empty except for CO, it disappeared. She shook her head at the weirdness that had happened, and tried to get a sense of her new surroundings - it seemed she was near a mechanic's.

* * *

Justin_Crossing looked around. He had come for revenge. The Ashbringer in his hand thirsted for the blood of Minio, and whatever the blood equivalent was for the Frostmourne. But this time he was in control. He wanted it too.

He set out.

*Note - I genuinely picked this at random from the list of match stipulations on UCA's master file.

--
Official Board 8 ~Trendstter~

Chapter 15

Haguile walked down the street, casually bouncing BBallman7. "HEY!" shouted the reincarnated basketball. "That f***ing hurts!"
"Oh. Sorry."

It was at this point that Haguile came across GTM, who was still examining his new championship title.

"Hmm," said Haguile. "You think we can kill this guy? Because I really want to kill this guy."
"Is it JeffreyRaze? No? Then no, I couldn't possibly care less."
"But-but-you're my weapon! I need you!"
"Yeah but my beef is with Raze, so..."

"Oh fine. I'll do it myself. That weapon of his doesn't look too lethal."
Haguile approached GTM, who simply stood there idly, smoking. "so, you wish to challenge me?" said GTM.
"well I was hoping to just kill you and have done with i-"
"no SHUT UP."
Haguile looked back at BBallman, who shrugged (don't ask me how a basketball shrugs, because I do not know).

GTM continued.
"To defeat me you will have to beat me in a certain STIPULATION MATCH. And this match will be chosen by a GENUINE, TOTAL MAGIC!"
"Magic? What kind of magic?"
"uhh randomizer.org."
Suddenly a randomizer appeared and randomized from 1 to 30. "10" was selected, which was...an elimination chamber match!* "How...GREATLY, TOTALLY MAJESTIC!" shouted GTM.

Minio turned to the camera/your screen and said: "for those unaware of the elimination chamber match rules, the elimination chamber is a devious match whereby the arena is surrounded by a cage of chains and devious metal. Two people start, but also inside this cage there are four pods that contain competitors. They will be released every five minutes, or whenever the plot says they can be released."

A chamber now appeared, locking GTM, Haguile and BBallman inside. BBallman was in one of the pods, and the other three pods remained empty. Comm looked a little disappointed up in the sharp spoon. "Y U NO FILL THE OTHER PODS?" he said, because Minio had decided to turn Comm into the "Y U NO" guy temporarily.

"Hmm, good point," she purred. She suddenly conjured three more competitors and put them in the chamber. First was Psycho_Kenshin, second was CrimsonOcean, and third was...JEFFREYRAZE!

(everybody look out for JeffreyRaze's BIG SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT IN UCA TOMORROW, BY THE WAY. )

Upon seeing JeffRaze, Bballman went crazy, bouncing all around inside his own pod. However, he could not break the AMAZING BULLETPROOF GLASS. BBallman yelled but he could do nothing to escape the confines, so he resorted to waiting. GTM looked at him. "Wow, that Basketball is Greatly, Totally Mad!"

Psycho_Kenshin, however, blasted his way out with his Lawgiver. He looked at Haguile and GTM, who were already fighting, turned, and fired another shot at the chamber wall. He rent reality itself apart, allowing him to escape while maintaining the integrity of the chamber itself. Before he moved through his hole he fired a couple of shots. This missed both men, but caused a small explosion which stunned Haguile.

This allowed GTM to wrap his championship around Haguile's throat, choking him to death. GTM. Kenshin shrugged - for he was high, and did not particularly care about killing everybody right now - and left.

GTM was left standing on his own with Haguile's body. He could not escape the chamber so he simply waited for the next contestant to be unleashed. "That was some...Gruelling...Trying...Murder," he panted.

BBallman, however, was in a rather bad position since his master had died. BBallman slowly faded away. Across the chamber he saw JeffRaze. Previously he had looked concerned but now he began to look very smug, since this murderous psychopathic basketball's existence was fading.

Chapter 16

GenesisSaga and todbot were facing off in a bowling alley.

Unlike her previous opponent, GenSag was actually matched here, with todbot having two people to take her on with. This was an important feature since it made things far more...even and interesting.

todbot commanded Jelena to rush forward and attack Arcanine, but GenSag quickly shouted at Arcanine to use ExtremeSpeed, which allowed the Arcanine to not only dodge but ram Jelena backwards.

todbot yelped at this development, unsure if his two people could actually beat the Pokemon.

Then he remembered that Dave was secretly lethal and awesome, so he had Dave fire his mind bullets at Dewott. Dewott interpreted this as a psychic attack and took massive damage as a result! In response, GenSag had Arcanine use a Fire Blast on Jelena and completely incinerate her.

"HEY! I THOUGHT I HAD A SHOT WITH HER!" roared Dave, unleashing a torrent of deadly energy from his mind. This did very little to GenSag apart from making her feel slightly less awesome, but Arcanine and Dewott curled up into a little ball. Desperate, GenSag picked up a small bowling ball from near her feet and threw it as hard as she could at Dave, knocking him off balance.

"Dewott, Shell Blade! Arcanine, Flamethrower!"
Both of those things happened. The Pokemon had recovered from their psychic injuries and moved. Sadly Dewott was hit by the Flamethrower, and fainted. SILLY GENSAG ORDERING DEWOTT INTO ARCANINE'S LINE OF FIRE. However, the Shell Blade had made contact, as had the Flamethrower, and Dave was dead.

todbot looked at Arcanine and GenSag with increasing fear. He looked at the door and bolted as fast as he could, but he didn't even get close before being incinerated.

GenSag immediately ran to her Dewott to check if he was OK. Sadly, it was as she suspected - the Dewott had fainted from the damage done by Dave's explosion. That was sad, but she knew Dewott would awaken eventually, and for now she at least had her Arcanine. Speaking of which, she turned around and ruffled her Arcanine's fur. It seemed OK, since it happily licked her in return. She chuckled.

Suddenly, a weird sound could be heard. GenSag looked at the source of the sound and saw that a portal had appeared on the far wall, opposite the open doors to the alley. A portal from which Wedge Antilles now emerged.

Saga immediately leapt to her feet and her Arcanine bared its teeth and growled, hoping to scare off this new attacker. Wedge fired a portal at another wall and stepped back through the one he had just made. He now emerged behind both the lady and her Pokemon, and they spun around. GenSag commanded Arcanine to use ExtremeSpeed again (it must be running out of PP now!), but Wedge quickly shot a portal into the ground and landed up back where he started, quickly closing it behind him by firing another shot randomly into the ground. Arcanine's lunge, the result of the ExtremeSpeed attack, had missed.

GenSaga pondered and decided to use a more guaranteed method of murder. "Arcanine, use flamethrower ALL THE TIME."

And so Arcanine did. He began to set the bowling alley completely on fire with a concentrated jet of flame that launched itself at Wedge. It was all Wedge could do to dodge behind one of the ball recepticles before firing a shot at a far wall over his shoulder and portalling away.

Like this:

--
"I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I don't have to write it on the back of a T-Shirt to prove it, because I AM it." - Chris Jericho

Seeing this coming, however, Arcanine turned and fired again as soon as Wedge landed. He ducked and ran, the flame singing his hair. Arcanine's head turned with Wedge's run, catching up to him all the time.

Wedge, panicked, fired at the wall a few feet in front of him and to the right. He wanted to divert his course and get into the portal but he couldn't, the flames were too close for him to run in anything but a straight line. He got ready to say his goodbyes but as he shut his eyes, he saw out of the corner of his eye flame emerging from the floor behind the floor recepticle where he had just been.

A lightbulb went off in his head. He fired orange at the ground immediately in front of him and sank into it, emerging from the blue portal he had just left on the wall. Arcanine quickly redirected its aim and GenSag cheered it on as Wedge ran back the way he came. This time, however, he diverted his course and fired a portal in front of him and to the LEFT, so it hit the wall.

Like this:

It was beautiful. Wedge tore past his own portal as fast as he could and Arcanine's head followed him, the fire hitting the Orange portal and firing out of the Blue one. GenSag didn't even have time to react before the flames hit her, melting her. The Arcanine stopped firing, sobbed, and disappeared into unreality.

Wedge breathed a sigh of relief and got out of the almost-completely-on-fire bowling alley as fast as possible.

--
http://img.imgcake.com/Nevest356/1dollagifas.gif

CHAPTER 17

Ayvuir woke up because XIII was bored of torturing him for now. It had been like 16 chapters, after all.

* * *

GANON was having a wonderful time with his midas gloves. Everything he touched turned to gold, and he found that to simply be a wonderful thing. Unfortunately this did tend to make things heavier when he touched them. For instance he had foolishly tied his shoelaces earlier and turned them to gold, so he had to strip off his glove and them remove his shoes. This was quite a handicap but he felt confident he could overcome any obstacle.

Until a bullet went whizzing past his ear. GANON yelped and threw himself down and behind a car that was conveniently parked on the side of the street he had been strolling down. Sadly, cars tend to explode

SpeedYoshi had been firing at him and knew this as well, relying on the high-impact bullets of his Golden Gun to blow up the car and the man cowering behind it.

GANON realized SpeedYoshi's plan JUST in time and smacked the car with his midas glove. The whole car was turned to gold and he smiled in satisfaction, his plan a success. It could no longer explode and, in fact, the bullets bounced off the car. One of them narrowly missed SpeedYoshi himself.

SpeedYoshi cursed and shouted at GANON. "Well, I can do this ALL DAY, my friend."
"So can I," GANON called back.

SpeedYoshi advanced on the car slowly and without mercy. As he advanced, GANON shuffled around him, staying out of the line of sight at all times. SpeedYoshi sighed. Why would he not just take his medicine?

As they moved around the car for the 7th time, Speed changed his direction. But GANON matched it, always getting just out of the line of sight of the car.

It was when SpeedYoshi rounded the trunk of the car - a standard saloon deal - that GANON made his play. GANON himself leapt onto the front of the car, sprinted up the windshield and threw himself onto his pursuer as quickly as he could.

SpeedYoshi turned to face the new threat and fired wildly, but missed. However, moving the guns in that direction put them in GANON's path - they were the first thing that GANON touched. Had he hit any other part of the body it would have been fine - he would have turned Speedyoshi into a statue. But he didn't. He hit the GUNS. WHOOPS.

The problem, really, was...well......GANON was trying to turn something to gold that was already gold. The entire fabric of the universe began to unravel and this would have caused a cataclysmic end-of-day style scenario that would have killed you - yes, you - had it not been for the sudden, brave work of Comm who told Nio "uh yeah Nio every single reality and universe will be destroyed in the next 10 seconds."

"Oh," said Minio. "Well that's not good." So she flicked a switch which caused that to not happen. However, all that pent-up, reality-bending energy had to come out somewhere so, sadly, SpeedYoshi and Ganon both completely exploded and were erased from existence. That included their past lives as well as their present exploits - they did not exist in any capacity outside of the game. The only person to ever know they existed were those affected in-game because otherwise I'm opening up an entire can of worms plot wise, and I really don't want to go there.

saveus_maria strolled through the scene. "That made no goddamn sense."

"haha ganon more like gannon," said ngirl who walked by about 3 minutes later.

--
Oops! I'm breaking the fourth wall!
http://imgon.net/di-CFMD.gif

Chapter 18

cody was satisfied with his play so far. It was surely impossible to breach his defenses from behind with the insurance eddv had added, and with another well-placed Quacko shot he would have even more.

Inwardly eddv screamed but he could do nothing. He was getting sick of the sight of cody's back, and imagined plunging a lawndart into it. This situation was torturous, impossible. He did not know how he could possibly get out of it and for all he knew he was going to be stuck like this either forever, or until he died.

Unfortunately cody's protection had made him arrogant so he did not expect to see Psycho Kenshin ambush him from the side with the lawgiver. The lawgiver fired a shot of raw acidic ectoplasm at cody that cody only just saw in time. He dodged and a ridiculous hole was created in the street in which groinsaws and magnificent pieces of eight could be found.

Minio hurriedly messed with reality to ensure that little embarrassing secret was covered.

Cody fired the quack-o-blitzer at the source of the ectoplasm and Kenshin did well to narrowly dodge the attack. cody kept firing, and Kenshin did all he knew how - he fired back in kind with utterly random shots that could either create ice cream or reach across realities, into Sir Chris' Doctor Doom fanfic, and tickle him somewhat. Fortunately none of these hit their mark UNTIL ONE HIT THE QUACK-O-BLITZER SHOT AND THEY MERGED.

This caused the shot to merge and another DUCKNIX to be formed. However this one was pure evil and malicious and assaulted the living f*** out of Cody and obliterated his head. Kenshin laughed maniacally until he turned around.

Suddenly PIRATEKING2000 had appeared and threw pocket sand in his face. The sand moved through the air and melted through Kenshin's eyeballs, which served to utterly destroy him and his brain. The head of course fell off.

eddv, expecting to die, sighed. Inwardly. Whatever. He waited for the oblivion to overcome him.

And waited.

In the sharp spoon, Minio said: "oh. Well. It seems eddv won't die now since he's not protecting anyone. But uhh I guess he's stuck like that. Sorry bub!" she turned back to her bowl of beer flavoured cat food, which Comm looked at longingly.

THIS WAS AMUSING TO AYVUIR, WHO WALKED PAST IN A COMPLETELY CONSCIOUS STATE ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER.

UNFORTUNATELY THE LAWGIVER WAS ALSO CAPABLE OF BEING POSSESSED BY VICIOUS SPIRITS AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED AS THE GHOST OF XIII ENVELOPED THE LAWGIVER, WHICH BEGAN HARRASSING AYVUIR.

"HAHAHA SUCK IT AYV," roared the lawgiver, firing out potentially universe-busting shots with every shot. Ayv ran, for that was all he knew how to do right now.

-=-

Meanwhile, JC continued to hunt for clues but he was not having much luck until he heard Nio scream "MINIO I MISS YOU". This gave him a clue, so he began his search.

--
'Well said, magic japanese catmonster created by a genetic experiment with powers that far exceed those of his fellow Pokemon. Well said.' - Jon Stewart

Chapter 19

Nio's bruising was suddenly an inexplicably healed. She did not understand why, but it was likely because of the rather haunted-looking soul that was now approaching her, a massive sword in hand. She raised Niowrath, ready for anything.

-=-

Panthera panted and sighed. Being escorted around by Regaro certainly had its advantages, but it was also annoying. Reg loved to describe to Panthera the wonders of his kingdom and what he was planning to do with "her" once they had escaped this blasted game. Suddenly, Reg threw out a hand to stop Panthera, halting her progress.

firefdr appeared from around a street corner and stared down both Reg and Panth. The screen narrowed into a widescreen view, and tumbleweed suddenly blew by.

The dramatic, western-style moment was ruined, however, by the fact that fdr burst out laughing at the sight of Panthera, who was bearded but wearing a dress. Regaro was outraged at the disrespect shown towards his lady and sprinted at fdr, who casually fired a lightning bolt from his Master Sword which Regaro only just managed to deflect with Excalibur. As they began to D-D-D-D-D-DUEL, Panthera snuck off, away from them for now.

-=-

bartz had assaulted CrimsonOcean from behind with his giant phallus. CO was shocked to say the least at this development and only just managed to get rid of Bartz with a swipe from the handaxe. She unclipped her UCA title and put it on the floor, and bartz attacked again, swinging the heavy phallus at CO. She raised her arms to protect herself, because she was not the biggest fan of phalluses. The blow was incredibly heavy, almost cracking her arms, but she held firm. She aimed a kick at bartz's phallular (that is now a word) area but this accomplished nothing, because he was using it as his weapon. He grinned and cracked her across the skull with the weapon, dazing her.

CO stumbled back as bartz went in for the kill, but she had the presence of mind to swing a handaxe viciously at him, cutting his arm. In outrage he threw the phallus at her and she ducked. It clattered into the wall.

"Hmm, that was dumb," said bartz. He tried to pick up his weapon again but CO repelled him with wild swings - she was not focussed, for that blow to the head had caused her to see not just double, but triple.

Suddenly DPOblivion appeared with another Phallus and handed it to bartz. "Here, now you have two!" he said, before disappearing.

"OH I GET IT BECAUSE DP IS SHORT FOR DOUBLE PENETRATION, HAHAHA THAT'S HILARIOUS."

bartz laughed, and, new weapon in hand, he moved in for the kill.

"Wait, no, stop." This was saveus_maria, who had arrived on the scene.

"This is stupid. DP isn't even here. There is no way he just appeared out of nowhere and gave you that weapon."
"But-"
"No buts. It didn't happen." saveus_maria smiled as the weapon disappeared from bartz's grip.

"This, however, did." Suddenly she flung her knife, and it hit CO in the side. CO yelped out with agony and bartz seized the opportunity. CO was too busy covering her wound to swing the axes and so bartz was able to get past her defenses, pick up the phallus and swing it with all his might, causing CO's head to dislodge and sending it flying into the sharp spoon. Minio kept it as a souvenir.

"user saveus_maria will save you if you play here," said saveus with a nod. bartz smiled, and they got ready to face each other. knife vs. phallus. Occam's Razor vs. some bizarre Clockwork Orange reference. Go figure.

Unfortunately the battle had taken place on the street by the Mechanic's (yes I did mention this before, in that chapter with the Elimination Chamber) and thus they were by the bomb that Colegreen had set up earlier.

--
Luster Reloaded 7:37pm
THE CALLOUT

Bartz, stood over the mangled corpse of his fallen foe, had reckoned without JeffreyRaze. He was too busy focusing on saveus_maria, his next victim. Raze was still being pursued by the vicious BBallman7, and rounded the corner onto the Mechanic's street. "I'M GOING TO F***ING KILL YOU!" screamed BBallman again, and Raze just kept running in pure fear. His mind was still very much aware of his surroundings, though.

He saw bartz.
He saw the bomb.
He SHOT THE BOMB WHILE RUNNING.

He missed.

But the shot deflected off the wall and hit it anyway.

BOOOOOOM. Bartz was killed, his every cell eviscerated and ripped apart by the bomb's explosion.


ExThaNemesis was hiding away in the mechanic's itself, and had watched the fight with interest that equated to bile fascination. Due to his apparent lack of a weapon he was scared to get involved. He was also blown away by the bomb. Fortunately he only got a little bit of the blast, since most of it went over his head - but he was still burned badly by it.

Maria was fortunately immune to the effects of the explosion because of Occam's Razor.

"That's so dumb," said the nearby saveus_maria. "That type of bullet should not have caused that explosion. The bomb was encased, too, to prevent such accidents from happening. Besides which there is no reason the bullet should have deflected off the building like that - it is made of brick. The bullet should have penetrated (lol) it, not bounced off it. Occam's Razor says that makes no sense. Also," she added, now turning to the still-sprinting JeffRaze - "you being chased by a basketball is totally nonsensical. I don't get why you-" JEFFREYRAZE SHOT MARIA IN THE F***ING FACE.

"Yes!" shouted XIII. "I can bring crazy back!"
"oh god," said Ayv as he tried desperately to escape the lawgiver that pursued him, which now fired bullets of pure illogic in celebration of user saveus_maria's death. Maniac's latest firetruck drove past at top speed, narrowly missing Ayvuir.

--
"'What is your wife orbits my dick' sounds like you're trying to insult Alex Trebek." - Sir Cobain

ALIVE: 20

Cobain: Two Lightsabers
MSG: Apoca-Fists from Saints Row 3
Pram: Caladbolg
Regaro: Excalibur
Caelus: Cybernetic war-elk named Charles Barkley
Pirateking2000: Sandwich/Pocket Sand
eddv: Handful of lawndarts
JeffRaze: Riot Shield/Half-Life Magnum/BBallman's .357 Magnum
vcharon: American Flag
Nio: sharkswordfish called Niowrath
masterplum: the tough beetle from Skyward Sword
ngirl: Newcastle Jersey/offensive chants about competitors
Panthera: Frying pan
Silverliner182V: can "summon gamefaqs flash"
Wedge: Portal Gun
Wigs: Boombox, plays nothing but "in the air tonight" by Phil Collins
firefdr: Master Sword, "MWC-ified" so it's actually far more powerful than it should be
Ayvuir: Katana
ExTha: Tebow's 4th quarter magic
Raka: Hannah Montana Official Guitar

Dead: 32

Colegreen_c12 (Bomb): Ambushed by RX7
MZero11 (Skateboard): Testes ripped off by Plum's Tough Beetle
tyder21 (sandpaper): Impaled by Robazoid
AfroSquirrel (pocketful of Portable holes): Decapitated by Shell Blade from GenSag's Dewott
BBallman7 (Magnum and Morningstar): Head blown off after being shot in the face by JeffreyRaze
GrapeFruitKing (Nail Gun): Strangled to death by vcharon's flag
Han (Blaster): Decapitated by a Dante Brogue Kick
bbbtime (acid gun): Slipped on banana peel fired by dowolf and broke his neck; head melted off by own acid
MysteriousStan (Oddjob's top hat): Hit by lightning from the Master Sword, accidentally decapitated self with hat
Emporer_Kazbar (A fake can of peanuts with spring snakes in it): Distracted by MWC's head exploding, ran through by fdr's sword
dowolf (BA NA NA peel launcher): crushed by collapsing rubble when Blairville swung the looooongsword
Blairville (looooongsword): choked to death by ngirl while being offensively chanted at
Robazoid (spear): BBallman landed on him from a second-story window, decapitating him
azuarc (super pogo stick, with blades under the foot pegs and light enough to be swung): Blown up by Caelus' war-elk
RX7InfinitiIII (Dual Hidden Blades): Killed by a stray bullet from SpeedYoshi
Nee (a bottle of pear scented anti-bacterial hand soap): Stabbed through the head from behind by Niowrath
Dante (Standard Def. TV set): Stabbed repeatedly by an enraged Bellis
Sir Chris (Scum Sir Chris' cunning/ruthlessness): Stabbed repeatedly by an enraged Bellis
Ed Bellis (saveus_Maria's knife from b8b1): Talked out of "Mad Bellis" mode by Maria's Occam's Razor logic, and then stabbed with his own knife
Chronic (Revolver/Machete): shot in the face by mcflubbin after some "jedi" assistance
mcflubbin (bow/arrow): head destroyed by MrSmartGuy
Haguile (BBallman holding a grudge): Choked to death by GTM's title
GTM (B8UCA Melee Mayhem Title): Decapitated by CO's handaxes
todbot (people): people killed by GenSag's pokemon. Then incinerated by Arcanine
GenesisSaga (Dewott/Arcanine): Wedge used his portal gun and tricked Arcanine into hitting her with flamethrower
SpeedYoshi (2 Golden Guns): Weapon collided with GANON's, caused explosion
GANON (Midas Glove): Weapon collided with SpeedYoshi's, caused explosion
cody (Omega Quack-O-Blitzer): destroyed by rogue ducknix
Psycho_Kenshin (Lawgiver): Head melted off by PK2000's pocket sand
CrimsonOcean (Handaxes): Killed by Maria's knife and bartz's phallus
Kingbartz (Giant Phallus): Blown up by JeffRaze detonating the bomb set by Colegreen
saveus_maria (Occam's Razor): Shot in the face by the passing JeffRaze

Current Status

Justin_Crossing: Has an Ashbringer; wants revenge on Frostmourne/Minio
Regaro: Believes he is a knight, come to save Panthera
Panthera: Dressed as woman
JeffRaze: Being chased by Bballman7
eddv: Is a ducknix
ExTha: Deep cuts to his legs and shoulder, heavy burns
Ayv: Chased by lawgiver which is possessed by XIII

--
k

Wow that took a while.

--
http://i48.tinypic.com/2q8zwvs.png

Yet another favorite goes down.

Aww, no all out melee between the sword users?

--
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

bahah, what a way to go

--
Destroying evil with friendship~
http://i.imgur.com/iNnnZ.gif http://i.imgur.com/C7xLa.gif http://i.imgur.com/4gI8d.gif

From: JeffreyRaze | #331
I think I'm one of the better candidates to fight the razor though, nothing illogical about a bullet to the brain. Not that anything would ever go that simply.

--
"My goal is to make this s*** cool again." - CM Punk

Yes yes, we all remember the post you got the idea from.

--
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

Only way it could've been better is if we were the last two and he just ended it that simply.

--
Destroying evil with friendship~
http://i.imgur.com/Oe1x6.gif http://i.imgur.com/L7Xj3.gif http://i.imgur.com/6vDHh.gif

From: Pram_the_Oracle | #040
Yes yes, we all remember the post you got the idea from.

Ssshhh

From: saveus_Maria | #041
Only way it could've been better is if we were the last two and he just ended it that simply.

.......................

dammit.

--
http://i.imgur.com/vzqzu.gif

If I ever wrote another battle royale or similar project I'd probably try and end it like that, or do something similar. After a while I got sort of tired of over dramatizing everything and I think it'd be really cool to mind**** the readers by throwing a totally unexpected and sudden ending out of left field.

--
Destroying evil with friendship~
http://i.imgur.com/CF2n5.gif http://i.imgur.com/uVaUZ.gif http://i.imgur.com/A9I7M.gif

I did something similar at the end of b8b1. JC and Comm had an epic battle that culminated in JC getting rid of the Frostmourne, recovering, and it being called a tie.

Until Comm found out JC was too young to drink, and decapitated him. But yeah that's less of a thing for b8b because deaths tend to be unexpected and bulls***. If it was more "seriously" written that'd probably be better and have far more impact

--
http://i45.tinypic.com/2jdhsno.gif

Yeah. Well thinking back on it I guess Curtain Close sort of had a twist ending (a flying god comes out of the sky and kills all of the main characters) but that was less of a chekov's gun and more of just complete, lethal, randomness. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like to set something up that seems pointless early on in the story and comes back in a major way at the end. Not sure if I could pull it off though.

--
Destroying evil with friendship~
http://i.imgur.com/FbZFI.gif http://i.imgur.com/Vq8eV.gif http://i.imgur.com/mFtke.gif

Like a Chekov's Gun?

Gonna need to plan things, or remember every last detail of your story.

--
Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest

tag

--
Four Civil Union Ceremonies and a Funeral just doesn't have the same ring to it - yoshifan823
http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/1508/masterplumgm3.jpg

tag

--
Boko United - MenjiTMFan267
Guru Taken Miraculously by SuperNiceDog

tag

--
XBL GT: Demon Ninja X2
"There comes a time in every man's or woman's life where they have to make **** up to cover their ass." - Hazama

tit

--
One Piece: Pirates with style!
-= Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Action =-