“Uh...” Panthera said. He probably should attack the guy now while he had the chance, but he wasn't really doing anything except standing there panting, and Panthera was nothing if not an honorable man in a dress.
Still sweating profusely, the man tried to stand up but ended up wobbling a bit. Eventually he settled for leaning against one of the walls inside the stairwell.
“Are you, uh... okay?” Panthera asked.
The man nodded dully – and then out of nowhere he started yelling.
“MY LADY!” he cried, and he extended his arms towards Panthera before tripping and falling on his face.
Panthera kinda stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do as the guy slowly got up and started moving towards him again.
“I'm so glad you're alright!” the man said. “My name is Regaro. I saw you from atop this high building, looking for a valiant knight to rescue you. So I rushed up the stairs and here I am! Hey, do you have a napkin or something? I'm a little sweaty.”
“...wait a second!” Panthera started. “I'm not -”
“I know, I know,” Regaro said. “You're an independent woman who thinks she doesn't need a man's protection. That's fine. Look, you even have a frying pan as your weapon! That's very cute. But look!”
He gestured to the sword on his back.
“Do you know what this is, my lady? This is Excalibur. I don't mean it's some replica sword you can get off some basement-dweller website, this is the real deal. You know King Arthur? He used this to fight Odysseus! Or something. I dunno. I was never good at history. But as long as I carry it, it's my duty to be a knight to all fair maidens.”
“How do you know it's real?” Panthera asked.
Regaro stared dully at him for a second; his brain didn't seem to process the question.
“Er... never mind,” Panthera said. “Look, I'm really flattered by all this, but you seem to have the wrong idea. I'm not a woman!”
“What?” Regaro frowned. “But your womanly beauty has captivated me!”
Panthera reached up and touched his day-old stubble just to confirm to himself that it still existed. He gestured down at his pink dress. “Just because I'm wearing this doesn't make me female!”
“Obviously my lady is suffering from delusions out of fear,” Regaro said, putting a hand to Panthera's head. “Fear not! I will protect you from any harm. I will make sure no one lays a finger on you. You have my solemn vow.”
“You can't be... wait, what?”
“So long as I draw breath,” Regaro said, his face becoming almost comically solemn, “I will stop at nothing to protect my lady.”
Inside Panthera's tiara-topped mind, the gears began to turn. This dude was obviously a schlub who couldn't run up several flights of stairs without getting winded. But he had in his hands a very powerful weapon – and all Panthera had was a frying pan and (apparently) a decent amount of feminine wiles. He could use this to his advantage, at least until there was another abrupt tone shift in the narrative.
“Very well,” Panthera said, swallowing his pride and pitching his voice a bit higher. “Let's go then... my champion.”
Regaro, who was attentively petting Panthera's hair, beamed. “Excellent, my lady. I will not fail you! And when this trial is behind us, we are going to be the happiest married couple in the world!”
Panthera gulped. He'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
Hopefully.
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