Poll of the Day > Not the Onion 2023 edition - silly news and bungery

(+) Yeah! (+)

Man who proposed 10 year penalty for destroying statues destroys statue

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-VPoU1KgCk

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/e/ecce5549.jpg

Republican blocks release of Epstein flight data since it would compromise too many republicans

https://www.newsweek.com/republican-tim-burchett-colleagues-compromised-jeffrey-epstein-flight-logs-1853586

Pizzagate for me but not for thee

URL!!!!!!

https://abc6onyourside.com/news/nation-world/pastor-accused-pushing -mcdonalds-cooks-head-deep-fryer-disrespecting-wife-dwayne-waden -assault-battery-arrest-charges-fast-food-chain-restaurant -attack-employee-victim-high-point-north-carolina

edit: Ironically, it would be easier to post the whole story than the URL

HIGH POINT, N.C. (WKRC) - A North Carolina pastor was arrested after allegedly attacking a McDonald's cook who works with his wife.
The High Point Police Department says Dwayne Waden, 57, got a call from her on Dec. 28 saying employees were "disrespecting" her while she was training to be a manager.
Waden showed up to the restaurant and walked around the counter, then reportedly put his hands around the neck of one of her coworkers.
Police say he then started punching the victim in the face multiple times and pushing his head down toward one of the deep fryers.
Other employees apparently pulled Waden off the 34-year-old victim, who had a family member drive him to the hospital.
The police report says he suffered a "large contusion" on his forehead and right eye, as well as scratches on his neck.
First responders were called to the scene, and were able to view the restaurant's security camera footage.
Officers then took Waden into custody on charges of assault and battery. He posted his $1,000 bond and is due back in court Jan. 22.
According to his social media, he is a truck driver as well as a pastor at Elevated Life International Ministries.

Police investigate virtual sex assault on girl's avatar

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-67865327

Lokarin posted...

Police investigate virtual sex assault on girl's avatar

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-67865327

Wat

Man pleads not guilty after Lewes woman dies at slap therapy workshop

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/24024744.man-pleads-not-guilty-lewes-woman-dies-slap-therapy-workshop/

Biden Administration to Consult with Navajo About Human Remains on the Moon

https://spacepolicyonline.com/news/biden-administration-to-consult-with-navajo-about-human-remains-on-the-moon/

...Can't we just declare the moon universally sacred?

Retiring House Republican says $174,000 isn't enough money for members of Congress: 'Most of us don't have money'

https://biz.crast.net/retiring-house-republican-says-174000-isnt-enough-money-for-members-of-congress-most-of-us-dont-have-money/

Lokarin posted...

Retiring House Republican says $174,000 isn't enough money for members of Congress: 'Most of us don't have money'

https://biz.crast.net/retiring-house-republican-says-174000-isnt-enough-money-for-members-of-congress-most-of-us-dont-have-money/

Oh no... I guess they're going to have to work as a lobbyist and make many times more than that on the regular. I mean what?

Boeing Wants FAA To Exempt Max 7 From Safety Rules To Get It In The Air

https://inshort.geartape.com/boeing-wants-faa-to-exempt-max-7-from-safety-rules-to-get-it-in-the-air/

what do you mean you can't cook steak in the toaster?

https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/new-zealand/2021/07/man-who-accidentally- set-his-house-on-fire-by-cooking-steak-in-toaster-unsatisfied-with -insurance-payout.html

Lokarin posted...

Boeing Wants FAA To Exempt Max 7 From Safety Rules To Get It In The Air

https://inshort.geartape.com/boeing-wants-faa-to-exempt-max-7-from-safety-rules-to-get-it-in-the-air/

A sequel!

Boeing executives convene all-hands safety meeting at 737 Max factory after yet another crisis

https://www.cnn.com/2024/01/09/business/boeing-safety-meeting-737-max-factory/index.html

https://thehill.com/regulation/court-battles/4398223-trump-team-argues-assassination-of-rivals-is-covered-by-presidential-immunity/

religion of peace?

https://apnews.com/article/brooklyn-synagogue-chabad-tunnel-2c03a40c9150bdf6d9d899436789d8cf

A secret tunnel in a NYC synagogue leads to a brawl between police and worshippers

Is Air Canada the worst airline or what?

https://globalnews.ca/news/10215152/air-canada-passenger-opens-cabin-door-yyz/

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I meant in a sorta 'how could this be permitted to happen' sorta way

Is this any of you guys?

https://www.thefocus.news/lifestyle/chicago-man-seeks-75-million-in-damages-after-his-local-dating-life-gets-called-out-on-facebook/

> A Chicago man is reportedly suing over a post shared on the Facebook group, Are We Dating the Same Guy, and seeking $75 million in damages by claiming the comments directed at him were ill-intended.

Lokarin posted...

Biden Administration to Consult with Navajo About Human Remains on the Moon

https://spacepolicyonline.com/news/biden-administration-to-consult-with-navajo-about-human-remains-on-the-moon/

...Can't we just declare the moon universally sacred?

Better on the moon instead of wasting land that could be used to grow food on earth.

Tenants in mouldy homes in Rochdale told they breathe too much

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-67971225

EDIT:

Bonus
Lawmaker says free bus rides on Election Day are "not fair"

https://www.axios.com/local/indianapolis/2024/01/12/free-bus-rides-election-day

IRS keeps getting its funding cut ... but it managed one of its most successful, umm, not 'sting' but whatever it is when IRS agents mobilize

https://abc7.com/irs-tax-cheats-millionaires-taxes/14319547/

How are the Ides of Jan treating you?

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/brian-pare-pleads-guilty-to-setting-quebec-wildfires-1.7084669

Quebec man who blamed wildfires on government pleads guilty to setting 14 fires

hol'up, i just realized it's not 2023 anymore... i should make this a new topic

Lokarin posted...

hol'up, i just realized it's not 2023 anymore... i should make this a new topic

Nah, let it ride till it's 500

Let's go Police!!!

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/ohio-mayor-orders-probe-woman-alleges-police-raided-wrong-house-injure-rcna134062

The mayor of Elyria, Ohio, has ordered an investigation after a woman alleged that police officers who raided her home had the wrong address and deployed flash-bang devices that sent her 1-year-old to the hospital with burns.

https://www.whiskeyriff.com/2023/11/21/iowa-man-arrested-for-indecent-exposure-after-pleasuring-himself-at-a-kum-go-gas-station/

Iowa Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure After Pleasuring Himself At A Kum & Go Gas Station

There are no prostitutes available in all of Eastern Switzerland because they are all booked for the World Economic Forum

https://valuetainment.com/wtf-wef-davos-escort-services-are-completely-booked-during-2024-conference/

> According to a report from French outlet 20 Minutes, local escort service Titt4Tat has been booked solid for the conventions entire five-day run. Thanks to the worlds elite, there are currently no T4T escorts available in the entirety of Eastern Switzerland.

Oklahoma bill would require 'furries' be picked up from school by parents, animal control

https://www.oklahoman.com/story/news/2024/01/17/oklahoma-bill-targets-furries-in-schools-threatens-animal-control/72256727007/

Humphrey's bill, House Bill 3084, would ban "students who purport to be an imaginary animal or animal species, or who engage in anthropomorphic behavior commonly referred to as furries at school" from participating in class and school activities.
The bill would require parents or guardians to pick the student up from school.
But, if parents are unable to pick the student up, the bill says "animal control services shall be contacted to remove the student."

ya know what's also an anthropomorphic behavior? literally anything a human does

Jan 6 rioter who assaulted 6 police officers, including injuring one so badly they had to retire, gets only 5 years in prison

https://apnews.com/article/kenneth-bonawitz-proud-boys-capitol-riot-a5076656e597712a5cb2c8223bab73ea

Lokarin posted...

Jan 6 rioter who assaulted 6 police officers, including injuring one so badly they had to retire, gets only 5 years in prison

https://apnews.com/article/kenneth-bonawitz-proud-boys-capitol-riot-a5076656e597712a5cb2c8223bab73ea

That sounds about right. I was assaulted and the charge was assualt on a government official. Max sentence was 150 days in jail. Used to be 2 years here.

Lokarin posted...

https://www.whiskeyriff.com/2023/11/21/iowa-man-arrested-for-indecent-exposure-after-pleasuring-himself-at-a-kum-go-gas-station/

Iowa Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure After Pleasuring Himself At A Kum & Go Gas Station

I get why he did it.

A Louisiana teen traveled to the West Bank to learn about his roots. He was shot dead.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/louisiana-teen-traveled-west-bank-learn-roots-was-shot-dead-rcna134889

Cops Used DNA to Predict a Suspects Faceand Tried to Run Facial Recognition on It

https://www.wired.com/story/parabon-nanolabs-dna-face-models-police-facial-recognition/

umm... that's not how faces work

The Lord told us to: US pastor says he stole $1m from Christians to remodel home

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/jan/23/us-pastor-1m-cryptocurrency-scheme-christians-denver

I didn't know Van Gogh was so into Pokemon

https://www.gamespot.com/articles/van-gogh-museum-fires-multiple-workers-for-pokemon-exhibit-misconduct-report/1100-6520586/?ftag=CAD-01-10abi2f

Van Gogh Museum Fires Multiple Workers For Pokemon Exhibit Misconduct - Report
One of the employees reportedly pocketed a box of Pokemon cards.

Missouri Rule Change Would Allow Senators to Challenge Each Other to a Duel

https://www.newsweek.com/missouri-republican-senators-duel-nick-schroer-1863838

Lokarin posted...

Missouri Rule Change Would Allow Senators to Challenge Each Other to a Duel

https://www.newsweek.com/missouri-republican-senators-duel-nick-schroer-1863838

I support this.

White House calls explicit AI-generated Taylor Swift images 'alarming,' urges Congress to act

https://www.foxnews.com/media/white-house-calls-explicit-ai-generated-taylor-swift-images-alarming-urges-congress-act

because of all the things AI has been doing lately, what gets the White House hot and bothered is Taylor Swift.

It's like the South Park movie - the best way to attack America is to attack the celebrities :/

...

oh, and Florida wants to ban social media for those under 16

https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Family/florida-house-representatives-approves-bill-ban-social-media/story?id=106672586

Top Comment: "How is Matt Gaetz going to get on dates now?"

Rockstar pulls Suicide Squad an hour after Early Access launch because the game auto-completes

https://www.videogameschronicle.com/news/rocksteady-pulls-suicide-squad-an-hour-into-early-access-after-players-games-auto-completed/

Super Bowl Rigged for Chiefs so Taylor Swift Can Sway Presidency, Claims Candidate

https://www.si.com/nfl/ravens/news/super-bowl-rigged-kansas-city-chiefs -taylor-swift-can-sway-presidency-joe-biden-candidate -vivek-ramaswamy-trump-votes-49ers

And this just after the gov trying to win Swift's favour by banning AI

Swifties might be just crazy enough to work

I'm just dreading how much I'm gonna see pics of her at the superbowl.

Elmos wellness check uncovers existential dread and despair on social media

https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/viral/elmo-social-media-question-sparks-existential-dread-despair-rcna136477

Alabama denies parole of convict for being 'too dangerous'... he's been dead for 2 weeks

https://www.al.com/news/birmingham/2024/02/alabama-said-he-was-too-dangerous-to-parole-hed-been-dead-for-10-days.html

Cops just givin' away drugs for free now

https://apnews.com/article/black-teen-lawsuit-excessive-force-vermont-disabilities-7b638ed26c299c7f07033968274e8f37

...

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-68189568

Inert nuclear missile found in US man's garage

edit: It's funny for more than one reason... the second reason being that only about 5 words in the article are actually true.

peak bung

https://apnews.com/article/handcuffed-black-girls-colorado-settlement-a7a695839b8841e56b7db0d103cc5ed1

Family of Black girls handcuffed by Colorado police, held at gunpoint reach $1.9 million settlement

South Carolina seeks to restart executions with electric chair, firing squad; says painless death not required

https://www.foxnews.com/us/south-carolina-restart-executions-electric-chair-firing-squad-painless-death-not-required