Current Events > Experimental CYOA: You might be trapped in a simulation

(+) Yeah! (+)

MelzezDoor posted...

Nob: hums any disco music he knows in misguided attempt to raise funk level and to pass the time

This is actually a good idea. Maybe he can use Funk Flash to destroy the tree he's trapped under.

Disco-pants man I forgot the name of: Hum any disco music he knows in a misguided attempt to raise funk level and to pass the time, then get frustrated and try to destroy the tree with Funk Flash.

Even if it doesn't work it should at least be funny lol.
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^ agreed lol
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Up
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>Evi: Check out the Item Tent

You walk into the item tent, where you see a purple-hooded figured hunched over the counter.

He greets you with a smile that you can't actually see. "Welcome! Check out the Shitty wares I got today!"

[ ITEM SHOP:
HP Potion - 20 Icas
SP Potion - 80 Icas
Photo of Shirtless Steven Seagal (1 Left in Stock) - 150 Icas
Mysterious But Otherwise Shitty Ring (1 Left in Stock) - 100 Icas ]

What do you (Evi) do?

>Peon: Explode on the tent

You fly over to the...hmm, there's too many tents. Who cares! All these mortals shall perish under your reign! You laugh meniacally as you divebomb headfirst into the nearest tent. "Hahaha! Tremble before my absolute power! Ash to ashes, dust to dust!--"

An unimportant hooded figure emerges from the flaps of the tent, picking his nose.

The flap generates a bit of wind, knocking you away into the ground.

You fly back to your accursed mortal companion in crushing defeat.

>Nobert: Hum some disco to raise the funk babey

The formerly inaudible Michael Jackson that was playing constantly in your head now stands out to you, since you're left with nothing but time and your new best tree friend that you've named Woody.

You can't help but hum along to it. "Mm hm...just beat it..."

FUNK LEVEL [ STILL 10% ]

>Destroy Woody with Funk Flash

You let out a frustrated sigh. "Oh, fuck this! I'm sorry Woody, but we must part ways!" You feel immense power being channeled through your veins. The wind around you blows intensely and small rocks start levitating around you. This is it. "Haaa, FUNK FLASH!!!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWhuhw75Ewg" data-time="

The immeasurable might of Michael Jackson's strange noise rings out as a small soundwave erupts from around your body.

You see Woody get lifted up. Yes! You're doing it!

Woody was only propelled up by about an inch. It slams back down on you, crushing you even more.

HP: [ 40% ]
FUNK LEVEL: [ 0% ]

You stretch out your arms in defeat. "Fucking McTiddies. I'm gonna die out here."

Suddenly, a strange blocky object emerges and falls from the sky

To you, it looks like it's getting bigger. At this point, you're kind of ready to accept that it might kill you on impact.

You flinch right before it hits you, only that it has stopped inches away from your face. It's a...laptop? Looks like the same one you saw back at the destroyed office building. It hovers over to your chest, and the screen fizzes on to a familiar messaging screen.

satellyte is online.
satellyte: holy shit
satellyte: i finally caught up to you
nopants: How the fuck.
satellyte: i forgot to tell you
satellyte: but i can move around small stuff that youve interacted with
satellyte: but really slowly
nopants: Wait, was that you that saved me at the inn?
satellyte: youre welcome :P
satellyte: anyways thats not important right now
satellyte: youre taking too long to get wings
satellyte: seriously the others took like an hour
satellyte: and what are you doing
nopants: Enjoying my time with Woody, thank you very much.
satellyte: woody?
satellyte: You Named
satellyte: A Tree
satellyte is offline.
satellyte is online.
satellyte: okay listen
satellyte: im just gonna walk you through this
satellyte: since youre sidetracking too much
nopants: We don't have a time limit do we?
satellyte: nah
satellyte: but its making us look bad
nopants: To who?
satellyte: whom*
satellyte: look are you with me or not

What do you (Nobert) say/ask?
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>Nobert: Sing September by Earth, Wind and Fire while passing the time.

Sadly, since the FUNK has died down to 0%, you can barely hear any disco right now.
Still, that won't stop you. You have September flowing in your goddamned veins.

You start dancing with your arms since your legs, while they do remember, cannot dance in September.


satellyte: what the hell
satellyte: are you doing
nopants: Hey can you pull up September on Youtube?
nopants: My hands are full from bringing on the FUNK.
satellyte: see this
satellyte: this is why we are still not at the next level
nopants: SEPTEMBER PLEASE.
satellyte: fuckinnnn
satellyte: fine
satellyte:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs069dndIYk" data-time="
satellyte: anyways you still havent answered the question are you with me or not

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"Unless you can get this goddamn tree off me, no, I am physically incapable of being with you. But if you can, maybe I'll think about it."
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nikko004 posted...

>Peon: Explode on the tent

You fly over to the...hmm, there's too many tents. Who cares! All these mortals shall perish under your reign! You laugh meniacally as you divebomb headfirst into the nearest tent. "Hahaha! Tremble before my absolute power! Ash to ashes, dust to dust!--"

An unimportant hooded figure emerges from the flaps of the tent, picking his nose.

The flap generates a bit of wind, knocking you away into the ground.

You fly back to your accursed mortal companion in crushing defeat.

fuck off , you said we can give command to other characters .

my command is for peon to explode , not trying to explode

nikko004 posted...

(This does not mean every action will be successful)

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Rekt
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Not to be a nuisance, but would it be possible to display how many Icas we have whenever we have the option to buy something?

Also:

Evi: enquire about swords

Norbert:

"Unless you can get this goddamn tree off me, no, I am physically incapable of being with you. But if you can, maybe I'll think about it."

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teepan95 posted...

Not to be a nuisance, but would it be possible to display how many Icas we have whenever we have the option to buy something?

Oh yes, of course!

>Evi: Inquire about swords

You put a finger to your chin. "Hmm, this stuff's great n' all, but ya got any swords?"

The shopkeeper scratches his hood. "Lady, this is the Item Tent. Not the Equipment Tent. Not the Weapons--"

You slam your hand on the counter. "Yeah yeah, but ya got any...SWORDS???"

He sighs and rummages under the counter. "Okay, well, I got this here uh...Cursed Knife. Knife, sword, same thing right? No one wants to buy it because it's, well, cursed. I'll give it to ya for 75 Icas. Consider it clearance sale."

You extend your hand towards it, but as it closes in, the cut from your finger starts eminating an odd black vapor.

The shopkeeper raises an eyebrow and pulls back the knife. "You can look, but no touching 'til you buy it."

What do you (Evi) do?
(Evi's Icas: 101)

>Nobert: Be a sarcastic little shit

nopants: Unless you can get this goddamn tree off me, no, I am physically incapable of being with you.
nopants: But if you can, maybe I'll think about it.
satellyte: hmm let me see

A moment of nothing happening ensues. You can see the tree jitter slightly, but nothing else.

nopants: I don't know what you're doing, but it's making my leg itch.
satellyte: im trying to move the tree
satellyte: but its too big
nopants: ;)
satellyte: No.
satellyte: hmm lets try this

Your pipe materializes high above the tree. It plummets into terminal velocity and drives itself into the tree.

Sadly, Woody remains mostly intact. You also felt the impact of the pipe.

HP: [ 35% ]

satellyte: it was worth a try
nopants: Um, hello? Legs are being crushed here?
satellyte: youll grow them back
satellyte: probably
satellyte: jk
satellyte: okay i have a dumb idea
satellyte: but its worth a try
nopants: Fantastic, I sure love having my legs become guinea pigs.
satellyte: youll live
satellyte: probably
satellyte: ;)
nopants: No.
satellyte: ;(
satellyte: anyways im gonna try some sciencey shit

Suddenly, a lemon-sized rock floats over next to you, just about arms-length from the tree.
More similar rocks come floating and piling over to the same spot.

nopants: I don't remember touching this many rocks.
satellyte: wow you forgot about your precious campfire
satellyte: what did you name it
satellyte: rocky?
nopants: It is now. Don't you dare talk shit about Rocky.
satellyte: rocky gets to save you
satellyte: isnt that an honor for a pile of rocks
nopants: HE'S NOT JUST A PILE OF ROCKS
satellyte: look just work with me here okay
satellyte: im gonna use rocky as the fulcrum to a lever
satellyte: but i dont have the lever part
satellyte: think you got something long that fits the part?
nopants: ;)
satellyte: You Will Not Put Your Genitals Anywhere Near Rocky

What will you (Nobert) use as a lever?
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Evi: Buy the cursed knife. What's the worst that could happen?! :>

Nobert: Use the pipe as a lever.
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Nobert: ^. But continue making obnoxious genital jokes while doing so.
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>Evi: Buy the cursed knife.

Cursed or not, a blade is a blade. You wave out the Ica panel on your HUD.

Evi: [ 26 (-75) Icas ]

The shopkeeper slides the knife over the counter to you. "Pleasure doing Shitty business!"

As you walk out of the tent, you inspect the knife more, admiring how lustrous it is despite being completely black. Gripping it in your hand, the black vapor oozing out of your finger becomes even more dense.

Peon lands on the tip of the knife. "Mortal, have you any idea what you hold in your hands?!"

You wiggle the knife to get Peon to fly off. "Careful little fella'. You don't wanna be playin' with knives." As you say this, you run your finger through the edge, forming another cut on top of the other one you had and forming an X shaped wound. The black vapor gets denser once again.

You start drooling a little. "Dear lord. This thing feels...incredible!"

Peon flies aggressively in your face, snapping you out of your trance. "You are treading on power beyond your comprehension! Relinquish this weapon at once--"

You swat Peon away and pixelize the knife back in your inventory. "Hmm, wonder what that smokin' hot lady's up to."

>Attempt to flirt with Cherry

With that, you wander around until you find Cherry tinkering with what looks to be a...motorcycle?

She stands and wipes the sweat off her forehead. Seeing you in the corner of her eye, she turns around and waves at you. "Oh, hey there! Did you need something?"

You twiddle your fingers while looking to the side. "I, uh, I'm here for y...you, actually."

She tilts her head obliviously. "Hm? Well, here I am. What did you need from me?"

You stare at her in awe. Suddenly, a prompt appears above her: [ Pickpocket ]. Your infatutation quickly turns into fervent curiosity.

>Check for blades

You focus in on the prompt, turning it into a loading bar.

However, just then you feel a very unnerving chill down your spine. A prompt appears just above the loading bar: [ !! ]
Your instincts kick in and you quickly take a step back.

The loading bar panel somehow gets cut in half. The slice was so swift that it let out a wave of wind, which knocks your hood off.

Cherry twirls around a glimmering silver knife, which she then points at you with hostile eyes. "I thought something smelled funny. You're human!"

You tilt your head in confusion. "Aintcha human too, lady?"

She lets down her hood, revealing long, angular ears. "Please, who would want to be one?" She takes out another knife, this one similar to your Shitty knife, then assumes a battle stance. "It's not very nice to impersonate one of us. In fact, it's very rude to ALL of us."

Your eyes widen as you quickly look around you. You're surrounded by a bunch of the other Shitty Bandits.

You take a deep breath and materialize your knives.

[ SIMU-SCUFFLE: Cherry ]
[ SIMU-SCUFFLE: The entire Shitty Bandit Encampment ]

You examine your options. If it was just Cherry, you might be a little more confident, but there's too many people around you. Not only that, you're still worn from the last battle. Fighting head on might not be a smart idea. What do you (Evi) do?

(Nobert's queue will be delayed for now)
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Evi: Run away, RUN AWAY!
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>Evi: Run away, RUN AWAY!

Yeah, fighting's gonna get you killed. You look around frantically for any openings and ways you could escape.
So far, you only see one surefire way. To a strategist, it'd be terrible to rely on only one plan, but you're no strategist.

You make a mad dash straight towards Cherry, then take a swift swing at her. "Listen lady, I'm really not here to fight y--"

She deflects your swing and quickly steps forward with her large stature, staggering you backwards. "You're not getting out of this one." She then runs to you with long strides.

You re-orient yourself, but not in time to realize her charge. By reflex, you cross your arms in front of your face.

She unleashes a massive overhead swing using both of her knives. They clash head-on against your knives, but the impact was enough to bring you kneeling.

You glance behind you to see the other bandits all fast approaching now. You can't waste any more time being pushed back by Cherry.

She swings her knives to both of your sides.

Your eyes see them coming, but your body doesn't want to react in time.

Her knives are just mere inches from you now. You grit your teeth.

Time stops. A prompt appears: [ ^ ]

Instinctually, you slowly bring your hand up to try and touch the prompt with your finger--now showing an extremely dense black vapor.

The prompt gets engulfed in a black flame.

>Nobert: Use the pipe as a lever
>Also continue making obnoxious genital jokes

You take out the Pipe impaled in the tree.

nopants: Maybe you can stick this in.
satellyte: Don't Say It Like That
nopants: Hey c'mon, I'm just dicking around with you.
satellyte: youre doing this on purpose arent you
satellyte: look, we dont have long
nopants: ;)
satellyte: ;(

The pipe floats over and gets placed lying atop the pile of rocks like a see-saw. One end gets jammed against the base of the tree.

>Evi: Keep...running?

Time resumes. Your body springs upwards, but much more abruptly than the usual dodges you get from the prompts. In fact, you feel much more nimble, as if the sluggishness from being worn in battle never existed. In your hand, you notice that the Shitty Dagger has been swapped out with the Cursed Dagger. Black flames fume out of the wound on your finger.

Your legs barely clear her side swings, leaving her and her arms wide open. Normally you'd simply vault over her from here, but your body is acting differently for some reason. You use your positioning to kick down on her elbows with full force.

She cries in pain and is forced to her knees.

The kick gives you a good momentum upwards. You're just above her back now, and your flaming hand raises itself to stab it.
You're not acting like yourself; you're just trying to escape here.

Peon quickly lands on your hand, absorbing all the flames. "I warned you, mortal."

The sluggishness returns to your body, but at least your uncontrollable murderous intent goes away.
You muster all strength to your legs and you kick against Cherry's back to spring you forward to your destination.

As you're suspended in midair, you give a weak smile to Peon on your hand. "I dunno what y'did Peon...but thanks."

You land on the motorcycle. "I hope this works just like the ones back at home..." You grip the handle and try revving up the engine.

Cherry very slowly gets up and looks at the rest of the bandits. "Don't let her get away!"
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>Nobert: Continue being obnoxious

nopants: I just realized something. Didn't I sell this pipe way back there?
nopants: How'd you drag it all the way here when it would take a long time to do that?
satellyte: oh thats easy kind of
satellyte: i just messed with the memory allocation over at a certain register
satellyte: and because you had it equipped it set a flag
satellyte: which allows me to exploit a certain variable
satellyte: and trigger a buffer overflow
satellyte: where i can then swap the object im holding with whatever was stored in the buffer
nopants: Hey quick question but what the fuck was any of that shit.
satellyte: basically im sorta able to materialize things youve equipped before
satellyte: but its hard to pull off since it needs a lot of conditions to work
nopants: Hehehe.
nopants: Pull off.
satellyte: You Are Not Making This Easy
nopants: Oh is it too hard for you?
satellyte is offline.
satellyte is online.
satellyte: just push down on the damn pipe its still not budging

You look over to the pipe and notice that it's shaking a lot, but the tree still remains still. You extend your hand over to it and try to force it down.

The tree budges only slightly, but not enough to free you.
You exhale in defeat.

>Evi:

They start throwing knives at your direction. Fortunately for you, their aim is terrible, but you're not gonna stick around until one of them hits. You continue revving up the motorcycle, but something seems to be halting the engine. You smack it. "Dangit! C'mon!"

You see Cherry fast approaching you and you rev it with more and more desperation. "C'mon...I got...a friend to save!"

Peon lands on the handlebar and lets out black flames which spread throughout the motorcycle. "Consider yourself lucky to be in the presence of my power, mortal!"

It changes its original red hue to complete darkness, and the engine suddenly starts up with blue flames blaring out of the exhaust for a moment.

You grin and rev it one more time to let the engine roar. You take a look at Cherry one more time and blow her a kiss, then start accelerating away.

>Nobert:

You whistle along to September.

nopants: Well, it was certainly a good idea. Totally worth it to at least run the dick jokes dry.
satellyte: They Were Dry A Long Time Ago
satellyte: anyways it doesnt seem like were gonna get anywhere
satellyte: until we can find something forceful enough to pry the tree out

Faintly, you can hear the sound of a low rumbling noise. You're not sure what it is, but it's getting closer. You soon recognize it to be the sound of an engine. Sweat drops down your face. You seriously hope whatever's coming isn't here to kill you.

From the skies, you see something shrouded in black. It sporadically spews out blue flames and hurdles towards you at terminal velocity.
You close your eyes and clench your teeth, hoping that when you get crushed it won't hurt too badly.

Evi lands with one wheel smashing down the end of the lever, which catapults the tree off of you. She looks at you, panting with concern. "Heya bud, didja miss me?"

You slowly open your eyes. "Oh shit, am I dead?"

She yanks your arm and gets you sitting behind her. "Ya will be if y'don't hold on tightly!"
With that, she starts revving the engine.

You quickly reach out to grab the Laptop, which then pixelizes into your inventory.

[ Laptop acquired. ]

You get a bit of whiplash from Evi suddenly zooming forward, then you frantically hold on to her as she suggested. "Jeez, do you know how to drive this thing?!"
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Hadnt we sold the pipe? >_>
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She laughs. "I drive these things everyday t'work, 'course I do!"

The two of you zoom through the forest as time passes. Eventually, you can see the Green Vortex fading, just like a sunset.

You both reach another small but open area, with the forestry being less dense than the previous area. A faint trail of smoke can also be seen from not too far away.

Evi stops the motorcycle and hops off. "Whew...I think we're far enough now."

You hop off the motorcycle and sit on a rock. You feel your legs throbbing from being stuck under a tree for too long.

She sprawls out on the grass. "I'm beat. Think we oughta camp for now?"

You feel slightly exhausted as well, but you're equally as curious about what could be up ahead.
What do you (Nobert) do/say?
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Evi: Set up camp.
Nobert: Investigate the source of the smoke. If it's nothing interesting, go back to camp.
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bump, update coming soon
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Up
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>Evi: Set up camp

Your disco friend starts walking to where the smoke is. "I'll, uh, check out what's up ahead. You can go set up camp."

You stretch out your arms then get up. "Alright, good luck out there." With that, you walk around the area, gathering sticks and stones.

Peon flies around you, then lands on one of the rocks in your hand. "That mortal had a very strong soul! I demand it--"

You accidentally drop the rock, nearly crushing Peon. "Oh whoops, sorry little fella."

>Nobert: Investigate the source of the smoke

You walk for a short while through the decreasingly dense forestry until you see some light shining through up ahead.

You emerge from the trees to see a small cottage in the middle of a clearing. Smoke bellows out of its chimney.

The door opens, with a simple bear walking out of it. A somewhat high pitch voice comes out. "Oh, hello there sweetie. My oh my, you must have wandered far!"

You're a little shaken since the sight of bears trigger your fight or flight thanks to your last encounter, but you deem this one friendly enough. "Uh, yeah. I did. All the way from Initium Village. I think that's far."

She puts a paw by her mouth. "Oh my, it certainly is! Please, come inside for dinner!"

You look to the side, hesitant. "I dunno..."

She smiles at you and gestures to the door. "Please, I insist. Do you have any particular preferences?"

You internally slap yourself for realizing something, then look at her with a curious look. "Vegetable stew."

She blinks in surprise. "I beg y-your pardon?"

"Vegetable stew." You repeat, crossing your arms. "It's not actually my favorite, but a certain shopkeeper seems to like it from his wife."

Tears start forming in her eyes. "Oh...you saved us..." she says shakily. The corners of her mouth turn into a very warm smile. "You defeated Mr. Boss Bear! I can't believe it!"

You raise an eyebrow. "What's that got to do with vegetable stew?"

Her face gets a little glum. "Mr. Boss Bear has been terrorizing the forest and made it hard for me or my husband to wander it. But now," she starts smiling again, "he can come home safely! Oh, thank you so much!"

She didn't really answer your question, but you roll with it. "No problem. Well, I guess my job here's done."

You turn around to walk back, all in a day's work. However, a bright light flashes behind you. You look back to the cottage, only to see that it's gone. No sign of the bear either. All you see now is a floating green orb.

You walk over to it and reach out your hand towards it. Upon touching it, it explodes into a giant green pillar of light. Eventually it dissipates, leaving two small white feathers in its wake.

[ QUEST COMPLETED: Bear In Mind Vegetable Stew ]
[ Wing Fragment acquired. ]

You hear rustling behind you. Turning around, you just see Evi.

She has her knives out. "You okay?! What in blazes was that?!" She points to something behind you. "What in blazes is that?!"

You look to see a small green orb. A prompt appears above it: [ Teleport ]

Suddenly, something pops up in your HUD as well: [ Laptop (!) ]

You take it out and see a message from that Satellyte person.
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satellyte is online.
satellyte: hey good job
satellyte: finally making some progress i see
nopants: Hey quick question but what the fuck is going on.
satellyte: were moving forward is whats going on
satellyte: also idk if you noticed but one of the two Wing Fragments went to me
satellyte: so thanks cuz i really needed that to progress
nopants: Hey, that's mine!
satellyte: :P its technically ours
satellyte: this is a coop game after all
satellyte: i help you progress
satellyte: and in turn your progress helps me
nopants: I didn't sign up for this.
satellyte: you technically did
satellyte: since this is a volunteer program
nopants: ???
satellyte: look i kinda wanna move on my end since i can do that now
satellyte: so ill be unavailable for now
satellyte: but ill tell you more when we meet up
satellyte: good luck
satellyte is offline.

You feel a jolt run down your spine from Evi tapping you on the back.

"Uh, hello?" She waves her hand in your face. "Are we gonna do anything about that green thing? I know it says teleport, but I don't trust it."

You put away the laptop and look pensively at the green orb. What do you do?
---

Rest at camp
---

Take the teleport orb after you're well-rested.
---

>Rest at camp

You look at Evi. "We should probably camp out first. Y'know, since we don't know if some merciless death-machine is gonna be on the other side of this thing."

She smirks slightly as she starts walking back. "Maybe you should go in first t'check it out. If ya die, do tell me not to go in."

You follow behind her. "If I'll die, I'm taking that thing back to kill us both. Can't be hogging all the tickets to hell."

She taps your arm with the back of her hand. "If y'see me there it'll be on the throne."

The two of you walk for a short while, ending up back in the open area. The campfire is all set, with [ Light Campfire ] right above it.

"You're welcome," Evi says while walking to it and lighting it up. She then sprawls out on the grass and closes her eyes. "I'm beat. You wanna be nightwatch this time? Actually you don't have a choice cuz I'm already clocked out. G'night."

You lay on the side across from Evi. "Eh. We didn't die last time. I'm clocking out too."

Evi and Nobert are now asleep.

~~~

>???: Enter the plot

You are a gamer girl. Just kidding, you're actually a Twitch thot.

You look at the narrator with contempt. Fine. You're just a young nerd who's seen too much anime to be considered a normal person.

You look back at your Console-Thrashing Gaming PC, thinking about the last words you said.

satellyte: good luck
nopants is offline.

You plop on your bed. "Good luck? I should have said something cooler."

You materialize the Wing Fragment in your hand and examine it with your HUD.

[ Wing Fragment: A pristine, magical feather. Combine 3 fragments to form a complete Wing. ]

You sigh and look outside the window. All you can see below is an endless void, illuminated only by the Green Vortex high above.

You get up and stretch out your arms, though you pull a muscle in the process since your body is too used to sitting for hours. You might as well consider what retirement home to die in right now.

How ironic that the simulation would start you in your very own inexplicably disorganized room. You chalk it up to the fact that you spend 90% of your time in here, with the other 9% in the restroom and 1% probably in normal-people places. Even back at the real world, your mother would often criticize your room for being unladylike and a pigsty. Not that you ever cared.

You HUD highlights a bunch of objects of interest. You don't see what would make them interesting, but you've long accepted that the HUD has a terrible personality and a sense of humor.

[ Console-Thrashing Gaming PC ]
[ Inexplicably Disorganized Pile of Clothes ]
[ Foggy Body Mirror ]
[ Completely Normal Bed ]
[ Explicably Forbidden Dresser ]
[ Inexplicably Average Door ]

You already know all about these things in your room, but it never hurts to re-examine them in case you missed something.
What do you do?
---

???: Examine everything.
---

>???: Examine everything.

Well, might as well start with examining your clothes, since it's right by your feet. You kick aside the pile, scattering it a little more on the floor. This is how you mark your territory.

You stare at the ground in silence. Your inner reponsible-voice is berating you, saying "Damn bitch, you live like this?"

Within the former pile, you see your old Fast-Food Uniform. Customers. Customers never change.
Holding it up, it brings you terrible flashbacks. You can never look at a ketchup packet again without getting a surge of anxiety after a customer pelted you with an entire basket of packets, all because they thought that the ranch was too spicy.

You give a nostalgic smile at the shitty handwriting on your name tag.
What does it say?
---

bump
---

The name tag says Dani
---

>Dani:

Yep, it sure does say "Dani" on your name tag, even if it's a nigh-unreadable mess.
What is this, Pokemon? Of course you know your goddamn name.
You throw your uniform back into the pile where it belongs. Truthfully it belongs in the trash but that thing's full of discarded soda and other mixed chemical substances that it might be considered a biohazard.
On second thought, your uniform might just suit the trash just fine. Unfortunately, it's already on the ground and crouching takes too much energy.

>Examine Foggy Body Mirror

Wow, an author describing a character using a mirror? Talk about amateur hour here. You only use this mirror when drawing inexplicably outlandish poses. It's really more for making filthy doujins, but your mother can't know about that.

Well, while you're in front of this thing, you might as well use it. You materialize the Wing Fragment and hold it under your nose like a moustache. The harsh whiteness of the feather doesn't really match your short black hair. Nor does it match your purple pajamas. But you don't let that stop you from achieving your dreams.

Alright, you're bored now. You put away the Wing Fragment and move on.

>Examine Completely Normal Bed

You're very much well acquainted with this bed. In fact, you examine this bed every night.
Admittedly, you would never catch yourself ever doing any sexual acts on this bed, considering how it has Yugioh bedsheets.
...Admittedly, that won't exactly be a problem for the near future.

>Examine Console-Thrashing Gaming PC

Hells yeah babey, nothing but the absolute best* for your machine.
*For now.
It runs Crysis.

On the screen, you see the messaging app, though it looks like both nopants and edgemasterX are offline. You'd be surprised if they were, seeing how they're shown to be *asleep* on the *server application*. You use your mouse to draw a *dong* on the dirt above nopants's head. You also draw a *heart* above edgemasterX's head. Truly, this was how the game was meant to be played.

Welp, not much else you can do from here. Productive things, that is. Fucking around is always an option but you could stand to pause that part of your agenda for a bit.

>Examine Explicably Forbidden Dresser

Whoa, hey, can you read?! It says forbidden!
Just kidding, like hell you would forbid yourself to go through your own dresser.

The simulation took away all the clothes in here, leaving behind only your Bootleg Bogwarts Wand and Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie. Since you're about to leave this room, you figure that now's a good time to pick them up.

[ Bootleg Bogwarts Wand (Cast) acquired. Allocated to RAM. Equipped to MAINHAND ]
[ Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Goddamnit, you're trying to use Miku as a shield here. You click your tongue at how frustrating this system is and pull up your inventory.

[ Inventory (Mode: DRIVE):
RAM (3/3) - Bootleg Bogwarts Wand[E], Purple Pajamas[E], Wing Fragment
HDD (2/10) - Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie, Icarus Server Manual ]

You fiddle around with the HUD panels to move around some stuff.

[ Wing Fragment moved to HDD. ]
[ Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie moved to RAM. Equipped to OFFHAND. ]

Much better. You look deeper into the dresser to see if you missed anything. All that's left is a Photo of Shirtless Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a Cherry Lollipop. You're not sure how old that lollipop is but hopefully it's legally edible. You'd take these but you'd rather check out the door first.
---

>Examine Inexplicably Average Door.

It's a door. Smells like wood. Probably made of wood too, but you never checked.

More importantly, the doorknob's been replaced with an odd feather-shaped hole. Yeah, it doesn't take a genius to know what goes here.

You tried forcing this thing open before, but it's locked shut. There probably could be other ways to pry it open, but you're not determined enough to try.

Well, you examined everything you could in your room. What do you do now?
(Dani's info has been added to the characters document)
---

Put Wing Fragment in feather-shaped hole.
---

>Dani: Put Wing Fragment in Feather-Shaped Hole

No use dilly-dallying any further in this room. You walk up to the door and materialize the Wing Fragment.

[ Loading Wing Fragment from HDD... ]

You let out an exasperated sigh; you absolutely hate this inventory system. After about 5 seconds, it finally appears in your hands. You promptly slap it into the hole.

>Nobert: Laugh at that easy joke.

You're asleep, but your immaturity sensors go off anyway as you let out a stifled laughter in your slumber.

>Dani: Finally get out of your room

You walk through the door and take in the view of the entire second-floor living room. It's easy to forget just how big this house is, and you're only looking at maybe a sixth of it. It's nothing grandiose in the way of furnishing--only two couches, a decent-sized table in the middle, and a huge TV to complement it. Granted, no one even uses this thing besides the infrequent guests. You figure your mother just has shitloads of money to burn. Not that you're complaining.

Your eyes immediately dart to the table where you see an object highlighted by your HUD: [ Small Rusty Key ]

It's not even a question to you; no keys lie around the place for no reason. You swipe it off the table.

[ Small Rusty Key acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Where there's a key, there's definitely a hole.

>Nob--

No. It's Dani time.

>N--

Dani time.

Anyway, you walk over to the other end of the living room, just across from your bedroom door. Of course, there's a door here. However, the doorknob's gone again. Instead, there's just a large keyhole in the middle of the door, far too large for the small key you just got. It's about the right size for a kitchen knife or something, but you don't have that available to you.

You punch the door. This doesn't even make a lick of sense for a lock. 7.8/10, terrible game design.

Just then, a new panel appears just next to the inventory icon in your HUD: [ Alchemy: Combine ]

You pull it up. The HUD shows 2 squares:

Main Item: [ ]
Secondary Item: [ ]

Alright, well it doesn't seem like rocket science. What do you combine here?
---

Okay it's almost 3 and I'm kinda blanking right now. Uh...

Main Item: [Bootleg Bogwarts Wand]
Secondary Item: [Rusty Key]

Maybe like, cast an enlargement spell? I'm too fucking tired for this okay. </3
---

<3

>Combine Bootleg Bogwarts Wand and Rusty Key

[ Bootleg Bogwarts Wand + Rusty Key = A magical key ]
[ Cost: 0 Icas (Tutorial discount applied) ]

Makes sense to slap your wand and key together. You got a wand that's kind of like a knife but really bad at being a knife, and you got a key that's really bad at being a bigger key.

[ Alchemizing... ]
[ Combination complete. ]

[ Bingdomwarts (Cast/Smash) acquired. Equipped to MAINHAND ]

You basically got your wand back, only the non-handle part is made of rusted metal now, and it's also got grooves at the end to give it a key shape. You can only hope that Square Enix hasn't sued the developers for including this blatant bootleg.

With your new, uh, "key" in hand, you slide it right in the hole.

>

C'mon, that's too easy.

The door pixelizes into nothing. Oh boy, you hope that your mother wasn't too fond of that door.

(Feel free to combine any items from here.)
[ Inventory -
RAM: Bingdomwarts (Cast/Smash) [E], Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie [E], Purple Pajamas [E]
HDD: Wing Fragment, Icarus Server Manual ]

You arrive to a hallway, with stairs at the end leading to the first floor. Nowhere else to go but forward.
As you walk through, you're unnerved at the stares of the portraits on the wall. Each one portrays the matrilineal line of your family--the Satela family.

You're right by the top of the stairs now, with the condescending gaze of your mother looming over you from her portrait. You were never fond of this picture since it always reminds you of the pressure placed on you to be a "Proper Satela Lady" or whatever. You've long forsaken orthodox ladyhood.

You walk down the stairs, facing forward--away from your mother's gaze.

You're in the first-floor living room now. It's far more furnished than the room upstairs, with a bunch of couches and a large table and an even larger TV.

That's stuff's fancy and all, but you're here to find the exit, which is just by the base of the stairs. There, you stand before a set of large doors. As you guessed however, it's locked--this time with a small star-shaped indentation in the middle. Time to rummage through some drawers again.

You're back in the living room now. Not too far ahead is the kitchen. Might as well check it out.
In the kitchen, there's loads of cupboards and drawers here. It'll be a blast looking through all of this.
On the dining table, you see some...brass-like bits? You can only imagine what was served for dinner.

A bit more wandering leads you to the basement door, but you find this one locked too. Luckily the doorknob...is still not there. There's still a normal keyhole above where the doorknob should be.

Well, there's a lot to look in. However, you're lazy at heart, though you prefer to call it energetically efficient.
You let the HUD do the work for you, rather than flipping this place inside-out.

Living Room:
[ Inexplicably Gargantuan TV ]
[ Puffy Couch With Lots of Crevices ]
[ Table ]

Kitchen:
[ Cupboard #8 ]
[ Drawer #5 ]
[ Knife Rack ]

What do you do?
---

Examine brass-like bits.

Search Puffy Couch With Lots of Crevices, Cupboard #8, Drawer #5.
---

ill uhhh update tomorrow too tired today i know things are slow in the story rn so ill get through it quickly
---

>Examine Brass-like bits

You walk back to the table and look at the brass-like bits. They look like wood shavings, except if it came from a trumpet rubbed against a cheese-grater. Curiosity gets the better of you and you lick one.

You immediately gag. It definitely does not taste like cheese.

>Search Puffy Couch With Lots of Crevices

You shake up the couch and hear something that sounds like...a straw? Time to yank it out from the dragon couch. You manage to reach your entire arm in before you finally feel something.

[ Retractable 3DS Stylus acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

You rejoice, for you've lost this thing for years. Now if only you could find the actual 3DS it comes with.
You fear what otherworldly powers govern this couch, but this seems to be all you could find.

>Search Cupboard #8

You're a little too short to reach in here comfortably, but then again you're too short for most things. You persevere by hopping on top of the counter to rummage in here.

[ Tiny Key acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Score. You don't know why anyone would keep a key in there, but you chalk it up to the consistently terrible game design.

>Search Drawer #5

Luckily you're not too short for this. In fact, you'd be very concerned if you were.

[ Hello Kitty Lighter acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Fire, savior of human evolution. And it's all packed into a convenient piece of plastic decorated antithetically with the cold lifeless eyes of an iconic Japanese mascot. You flick it a few times to make sure it still works.

[ New skill - Flarespark (Cast, SP 5%, Description: Ignite a very small area that's within your line of sight.) ]

Well, no use dilly-dallying from here. You walk over to the basement door and materialize the Tiny Key.

[ Loading Tiny Key from HDD... ]

You sigh for all 4 seconds that it took for the key to appear. Finally, you jam it into the lock, where it fits perfectly.

However, before you could turn it, you feel a chill run down your spine. You can feel that there's definitely something waiting for you down there.

Do you make any preparations? (Such as searching more things, combining stuff, etc)

Inventory
---
RAM (3 Slots): Bingdomwarts (Cast/Smash) [E], Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie [E], Purple Pajamas [E]
HDD (10 Slots): Wing Fragment, Icarus Server Manual, Retractable 3DS Stylus, Hello Kitty Lighter
---

Examine the remaining points of interest - TV, table, knife rack
---

bump, updating tomorrow
---

>Examine Inexplicably Gargantuan TV

It's a TV that's at least twice your size. There is nothing necessary about this or its size. You don't even know where the remote is, and there's no buttons on this thing. It's literally just a giant screen. Everything about this is useless and unnecessary.
You know what? Fuck it. You tap the TV and attempt to take it.
Surprisingly, it pixelizes into you.

[ Gargantuan TV acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Your blink in disbelief. You're left with no other emotional choice but to accept that you just took an entire television effortlessly.

>Examine Table

It's a big table, the size of 4 king-sized beds. You wonder if your mother just loved purchasing large, abysmally expensive items, or if your family was just gigantic and you were adopted.
There's a Metal Bucket of Water here. Weird to see on the table, but you've long abandoned rationality in this game.

[ Metal Bucket of Water acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]
[ New skill - Telebubble (Cast, SP 5%, Description: Encase a small object in a bubble and move it around freely.) ]

You know what? Fuck it. You're taking the too.
Sadly, nothing happens to it when you try to pixelize it. You're left with no other emotional choice other than to accept that this game is stupid.

>Examine Knife Rack

You walk up to the Knife Rack, expecting...well, knives.
There's only one metallic object jutting out of this thing.

[ Spork acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

You seriously hope that this is part of the game's design, and not the insanity of your mother.

Looks like you examined everything that the HUD highlighted. All that's left now is to progress down to the basement. Any other preparations you wish to do? (Misc actions, item combination, etc)

Inventory
---
RAM (3 Slots): Bingdomwarts (Cast/Smash) [E], Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie [E], Purple Pajamas [E]
HDD (10 Slots): Wing Fragment, Icarus Server Manual, Retractable 3DS Stylus, Hello Kitty Lighter, Gargantuan TV, Metal Bucket of Water, Spork
---

>Try combining 3ds stylus + spork + bingdomwarts
>Try combining 3ds stylus + spork
>Try reversing bingdomwarts back to original ingredients? Then combine spork + stylus + wand
---

>Combine 3ds stylus + spork + bingdomwarts

[ Retractable 3DS Stylus + Spork = Something Versatile ]
[ Cost: 0 Icas (Tutorial discount applied) ]
[ Alchemizing... ]
[ Combination complete. ]
[ Retractable Sporklus (Cast?) acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

It's just a spork, but smaller and retractable, with the sleek look of a 3DS stylus.
No screen protector could possibly protect your 3DS against this. This is why they made Switch cartridges taste abhorrent.

[ Bingdomwarts + Retractable Sporklus = A Square Enix Reject ]
[ Cost: 0 Icas (Tutorial discount applied) ]
[ Alchemizing... ]
[ Combination complete. ]
[ Bingdomwarts 3D: Disposable Dream Dinnerware (Cast/Smash) acquired. Allocated to RAM. Equipped to MAINHAND ]

It looks like...the Keyblade? If it had a wooden handle, a plastic blade, and was a spork at the end instead of an actual key. This makes bootleg products look legitimate.
On the brightside, at least it's retractable so you can hide this shameful monstrosity.
You wonder if it's too late to undo this.

A new icon appears in your HUD next to Combination: [ Alchemy: Uncombinize ]

That's not even a word and you agree with it.

>Uncombinize Bingdomwarts 3D

[ Bingdomwarts 3D = Bingdomwarts + Retractable Sporklus ]
[ Cost: 0 Icas (Tutorial discount applied) ]
[ Alchemizing... ]
[ Uncombinization complete. ]
[ Bingdomwarts (Cast/Smash) acquired. Allocated to RAM. Equipped to MAINHAND ]
[ Retractable Sporklus (Cast?) acquired. Allocated to HDD. ]

Oh, sweet, it works. You keep uncombinizing until you're back with your Bootleg Bogwarts Wand, Rusty Key, Retractable 3DS Stylus, and Spork.

>Combine Spork + Retractable 3DS Stylus + Bootleg Bogwarts Wand

[ Retractable Sporklus + Bootleg Bogwarts Wand = Something Disappointingly Magical ]
[ Cost: 0 Icas (Tutorial discount applied) ]
[ Alchemizing... ]
[ Combination complete. ]
[ Ecsporkto Retractium (Cast) acquired. Allocated to RAM. Equipped to MAINHAND. ]

Now this. This looks...like something. It's as small as a 3DS stylus, with the tips split into three, like a weird 'Y' shape but with a normal wand tip in the middle, and the ends of the Y as sporks. You do many wizards a disservice.
But hey, at least it's retractable.

What do you do now?

Inventory:
RAM (3 Slots)
-
Ecsporkto Retractium (Cast) [E]
Stuffed Hatsune Miku Plushie [E]
Purple Pajamas [E]

HDD (10 Slots)
-
Wing Fragment
Icarus Server Manual
Hello Kitty Lighter
Gargantuan TV
Metal Bucket of Water
Rusty Key
---

Edit: Never mind, let's see if anyone else has something they wanna try first.
---

>That's enough silly alchemy for now. To the basement!

It's time to ride or die with your spork-wand abomination.
You walk back to the basement door and open it--the cacophonious squeak of the door hinge assaults your ears.
There's no light to be seen going down. Every careful step you take leads you further into darkness.
You finally reach the last step. All you see is that you still can't see shit. Your hand wanders around the wall, hoping to find a light-switch.

You hear a noise. Not quite a footstep, but close.

Your hand finally stumbles upon a bump. Yes! The light switch--

You feel the bump brush against your hand, followed by the sound of glass breaking. Oops. Guess that was just a picture or something.

Another footstep-like noise. Better hurry.

Just next to the hypothetical picture, you feel another bump.

The lights turn on, and you see a...giant doorknob?

It barks at you like a dog.

[ SIMU-SCUFFLE: Dogknob ]

You look around the basement for anything you can use to your advantage. All there is is the light dangling on the ceiling by a thin rope, as well as a few boxes and broken appliances lying next to some pipes. Further back into the basement where the light fades out, you can kind of see something like some gas cans, but you're not too sure.

What's your battle plan?
---

Try to lure Dogknob to the back of the basement near the gas cans (maybe throw something back there to see if hell try to fetch it?), then use the wand and lighter in conjunction to ignite those suckers (at a safe distance, of course)
---

>Lure Dogknob to the back of the basement near the gas cans

You try to run towards the behind of Dogknob, albeit not very quickly since you are far from athletic.

It growls at you as you reach its side, then starts charging at you.

You try to jump out of the way, but your body doesn't seem to want to respond. Just then, a prompt appears: [ -> ]

You focus on it, yanking your body away from Dogknob and closer to the gas cans.

It collides and dents the wall with its brass might. Reorienting itself, it faces away from you, looking for where you might be aggressively.

You take this chance to keep running to the back, finally reaching the boxes and gas cans. You smile in relief that they are, indeed, gas cans and not something else, but that smile quickly turns to surprise when you look behind you and see Dogknob charging again.
You jump out of the way while clutching one of the gas cans, watching Dogknob get itself stuck into the wall once again.

>Light those suckers

You open the cap of the gas can and throw it at Dogknob. "Flarespark!" you yell and raise up your wand while focusing on the gas cans.
A red light flashes from your wand, followed by the two gas cans igniting!
...Except, they simply let out a small burst of flames that die out quickly.
As the gas can you threw hits the floor, your eyes widen as no gasoline actually pours out.

Dogknob sweeps the can back at you as it turns around.
You were still surprised, so the can knocks you down off-guard.
Dogknob charges at you with ease, slamming you to the wall next to the pipes.
You can feel like your spine is breaking, but luckily the game prevents that. Even luckier that you didn't receive a full pipe to the back of your skull at 30 MPH. Still hurts like a bitch.

HP [ 80% ] SP [ 95% ]

Dogknob backs away to ready another charge.
You jump out of the way immediately, but slip on a puddle and hitting your head against the hardwood floor. Fortunately, you're out of Dogknob's line of attack.

HP [ 75% ]

"Who put that there?!" You scream as you look back at the puddle in frustration, but notice that it was formed by a small stream coming out of the pipes. That definitely wasn't there before.

Dogknob rams into the wall again, except you're not there to satiate its desire to smash.

The attack shakes your surroundings a bit, making the lightbulb above you dangle around violently. You notice a spark sporadically come out of the bulb as it shakes around.
The pipe cracks a bit more, making the stream even bigger and letting the puddle spread faster.

What do you do now?
---

bump
---