Board 8 > join me as I read through my recent haul of old bargain bin sci-fi novels.

(+) Yeah! (+)

One of the white scorpions charges right at Jerry as if to attack him. He throws some of the drug at it (which is pretty much a death sentence), but it doesn't even slow it down. The thing closes in on him and...turns out it's our buddy Slug-Togath in a machine built to look like one of the white scorpions (Hagg-Loos). He was left behind from the plane as well, to help Jerry and Chuck get away.

So Jerry and Chuck get inside as well, (remember, the things are like 20 feet long and big) and the three of them are getting around in this tiny little mobile command center type thing. It's like a miniature tank.

When the other Hagg-Loos saw them get exposed to the drug, they freaked out and abandoned the area ASAP which resulted in us being able to commandeer one of the nearby spaceships. So we fly off to a nearby Hagg-Loos city in order to rendezvous with the spy I mentioned earlier.

We got busted on our way to the meetup point though. Some kind of officer noticed we had bombs somehow? and is asking for ID and such.

Anyway the next chapter is called "Birth of the Galaxy Rangers!" so I'm pretty hyped.

This novel is so exciting.
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It seems like it would have been more plausible for the genius protagonists to have also built a universal translator than to have the entire galaxy so enthralled by Earth entertainment that they learned one of the languages in the broadcasts, which just so happens to be the one our protagonists know.
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Jerry getting caught up on events which transpired while he was in the slave mine:

"First, experiments showed that the new cheddite was far stronger than the original piece, perhaps owing to the presence of certain gastric acids of your female companion. More experiments are planned to determine validity of this, although female companion presents great resistance to sample takers."

mnkboy907 posted...

Dammit Sally.

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"Chuckee hungry!" the husk bellowed and leaped, tearing Sally's clothes from her until she stood before them, naked except for the black wisp of her Maidenform bra and even wispier black panties.

"Enough of that, Chuck-thing," Jerry sighed and karated it into unconsciousness once more

I thought she wasn't wearing a bra.
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Yeah I had the same thought but didn't want to mention it.

They did mention they've been gone over a week at this point, but it's never made any mention of when/where/how they sleep. No reference to waking up in the morning, etc. So. Idk.

Clearly the bra is so wispy that it can be made to like she isn't wearing one.
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Of course.

The spy, X-9, told us the exact coordinates of the SECRET LABORATORY.

We radioed them back to the crew, who instantly cheddite projectored to the city and started bombarding it. Quick action sequence results in a Hagg-Loos scientist escaping onto a spaceship with the original cheddite projector. We try to blast it, but they have finally figured out how to use it and teleport away from us at the last second.

In that moment, Jerry, John, Slug-Togath, and Lord Prrsi, looking out the front windshield of the Pleasantville Eagle, vow to band together.

"Our gallant little band will go forth, fighting against any odds, pushing out the frontiers of liberty. We chosen, noble few will stand forth alone, just as the Texas Ranger did on the frontier of our land many years ago."

How can your other books ever compare to this one, the greatest work of literature ever conceived?
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I'm honestly not sure.

Thankfully the aliens will understand the Texas Ranger reference due to all the Earth radio broadcasts they've listened to.
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There's a huge ceremony to commemorate the inauguration of the Galaxy Rangers. Hundreds of aliens come to sign up. Think like Yuna after the end of FFX or like the people celebrating at the end of the Mortal Kombat movie. Everybody is there to celebrate.

John is chosen to be Ranger Number One, and Jerry is super bitter.

The best alien brain specialists say there is no hope for Chuck. Jerry considers euthanasia, which upsets Sally. Then Prrsi shares a dangerous secret. He knows of a hermit who lives in the Mountains of Madness who is rumored to be able to cure any mind.

But this hermit is not friendly. Anyone who gets near him, he asks three riddles, and if they fail to answer them all correctly, he blasts the shit out of their mind and basically kills them.

So they go, and the whole scene is quite silly and the questions are really stupid (seriously not even trying there) and we get normal Chuck back.

But the insanely wise and weird old hermit leaves us with a warning.....BEWARE THE KRAKAR! Then he poofs seemingly out of existence.

Cut to a Galaxy Rangers "business meeting" basically. We've advanced to the point of having to discuss dumb bullshit like choosing locations for new bases and repairing people's air conditioning and stuff. Jerry smokes three joints in 15 minutes and is asked to take it easy by John.

Prrsi remembers that a Hagg-Loos they tortured said something about this mysterious Krakar. They get more information out of him: coordinates, and also the knowledge that whoever controls Krakar controls the galaxy. But nothing about what Krakar actually is.

So off we go using the cheddite projector.

When we arrive, there is a MASSIVE fucking ship there and we're instantly magnet-beamed and paralyzed and boarded by an officer. Apparently there are thousands of ships in this area who are funded by lots of people and they've been attacking this Krakar thing or whatever from all sides for over 200 years trying to control it. But it's like a tiny little golden sphere that just instant-death-lasers everything.

We get permission to join the fight, even though our ship is like a flea compared to the others, and of course the brainiacs decide to just aim the cheddite projector right at the center of the sphere and teleport there, with the logic of "its weapons only shoot out, so if we get inside it we'll control Krakar and control the galaxy".

Something like that! So here we go.

turbopuns2 posted...

the questions are really stupid (seriously not even trying there)

What were they?
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What is black and deadly and sits in a tree?

What looks like a box, smells like a lox, and flies?

What is the square of the product of 456.78 times 923.45 divided by 65.23 plus 9256.286?

Inside the golden sphere lives the oldest most advanced race in the galaxy, the Chachka. They built the ultimate weapon, the Krakar, ages ago and decided not to use it, but to stash it away and only use it if an undeniable need ever arose.

Also when we suddenly crashed into their sphere we killed their elder ("Number One") and then Number Two promptly killed himself out of sadness.

So anyway, all the races in the galaxy have always lusted over the Krakar. The Galaxy Rangers try to persuade them to give it to them, but first they want to scan the Rangers' brains so that they will know every thought/emotion/memory/etc. any of them ever had, in order to judge if they're worthy. They have the power to do this, but won't do it unless given permission.

The Rangers agree and get scanned, and the Chachka only agree to give them a signal which will allow the Rangers to instantly communicate with the Chachka from anywhere, and should they end up in a situation where the Lortonoi must be dealt with, then maybe they'll be allowed to use Krakar to defeat them.

So the Rangers leave in good spirits. Then they learn about a solar system where the Lortonoi have taken all the solid matter from all the planets and etc. and smashed it up and formed it into a giant ring/halo/hoop thing around the sun. And they want to go there just to hopefully find out that the Lortonoi are up to no good in order to have a valid excuse to contact the Chachka and get the Krakar.

Wow. I'm too fatigued to do a proper write-up of the ending tonight. but just wow.

if anyone was feeling like the level of ridiculousness had died off after the beginning, just wait.

Im excited.
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I've been holding off on posting until all the writeups are done for a reason. That said I love this topic.
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I'm a little frustrated I was going to write it up during lunch but on my way out the door I grabbed the wrong book. :/

OliviaTremor posted...

I've been holding off on posting until all the writeups are done for a reason.

Hmmmmm.

turbopuns2 posted...

What is black and deadly and sits in a tree?

What looks like a box, smells like a lox, and flies?

What is the square of the product of 456.78 times 923.45 divided by 65.23 plus 9256.286?

I would have just answered all three of these with "your girlfriend."
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azuarc posted...

I would have just answered all three of these with "your girlfriend."

You would have died before the 2nd question!

The last question isn't a trick, it's just that they have one second to answer it. Luckily we're all savants.

I'd be mightily impressed if anyone correctly guessed the other two.

Please tell me it was pert Sally who answered the math question in one second.
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The trip was far too dangerous for a simple minded girl.

Wait, one second? I can barely even process the question by the time one second has passed. What were the answers?
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azuarc posted...

What is black and deadly and sits in a tree?

A crow with a machine gun

azuarc posted...

What looks like a box, smells like a lox, and flies?

A flying lox box

turbopuns2 posted...

azuarc posted...

What is black and deadly and sits in a tree?

A crow with a machine gun

azuarc posted...

What looks like a box, smells like a lox, and flies?

A flying lox box

How can a box be made of lox? And how can a cow sit down? Its body doesnt bend that way.
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My finale will be in a couple hours btw. Stayed out after work because of March madness.

Something came up and I'm having some real talk with a close friend. Might have to wait until tomorrow. We'll see.

OK starting on it now

Not proofreading this.

We cut to the full might of the Galaxy Rangers fleet. Thousands of ships and aliens. It elaborates on the variety of races and diversity and stuff. We're having a banquet before going forth to take on the Lortonoi.

One of the members is a little green frog-like dude who, in dramatic fashion, drops to the floor and starts having a crazy "ego trip" which is like an out of body experience after which he talks like a possessed person and gives a prophetic warning. Basically along the lines of "stuff seems good for now, but we're all about to die".

This kinda kills the buzz of the party and people file out and leave. But the main crew of the Galaxy Rangers is determined to carry on. Sally, however, is fed up and is very put off by the decision to continue fighting, and she goes off to her cabin to sleep.

So we approach the place where the Lortonoi are and see a battle going on at a massive scale. Thousands of ships on each side blasting away at each other. The Galaxy Rangers keep a safe distance, not knowing who is on which side, when eventually a broken off piece of a ship hurdles directly toward them.

They radio to it and there is a sole survivor who replies. They open up to allow the survivor on board.

It's a Fligigleh named Troceps.

What's a Fligigleh, you ask? It's a giant bird person. With wings and a beak. And two very human-like arms.

Troceps immediately establish himself as a badass.

"Greetings, John. You have saved my life, therefore, I owe you a life. Whom shall I kill?"

John's all like "whoa, slow down, no need to kill any of us. we'll have a prisoner or a spy or something soon"

And Troceps is all "ah, yes, a spy. Good idea." Then he looks around the room all menacingly, and is like "yes, I sense a spy. An ex-slave, who sold out to his former master, [blah blah blah blah more personal details] YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME IS IXSTAICLJ!" and at the sound of the name, one of the random crew members noticeably reacts, and Troceps instantly shoots him in the head.

Also he has a tiny pet turtle named Pishky which apparently lives inside the butt of his sword? And goes into all his battles with him...he lets him out of the sword and it's like a silly "huge imposing creature being really soft and doing baby talk because awwww what a cute little guy" kinda situation.

Anyway, Troceps goes on to explain the history of his people. It was actually they, the Fligigleh, who built the loop around the sun, and not the Lortonoi. Their population grew and grew and grew, until eventually they were so widespread around the loop that those who lived on one end of their civilization began to evolve differently than those on the other end. There's a lot of left/right symbolism.

The way Troceps tells it, one side became mentally weaker than the other, which made them vulnerable to being manipulated by the Lortonoi. This ultimately lead to a civil war which has raged on and on for a very long time. That's the battle we came across here.

Troceps explains that there's nothing the Galaxy Rangers can do to be of any help. They explain about the cheddite projector, and he's just like "oh, yeah, that thing? We saw the Lortonoi using one and lost a couple ships before we easily made a device that shields against it. Totally obsolete now. So yeah, you all can just go home."

Then suddenly Jerry starts talking all evil-like and it is quickly surmised that he is possessed by a Lortonoi. Lord Prrsi and Troceps both confirm that the Lortonoi presence is stronger than they've ever sensed before. The Lortonoi is certainly on the ship.

Through Jerry, the Lortonoi reveals their elaborate plan. They let the Fligigleh think that only some of them were mentally vulnerable,

even though they could actually control any of their minds, if they wanted. This, plus other stuff, was used by the Lortonoi to manipulate them for many years to ensure that they stayed in a constant state of war with each other, guaranteeing that each side would continue to develop better and better technology and weapons.

The ultimate plan was to let all the races in the galaxy continue to build up and up and eventually unite to try to take out the Lortonoi, and thus once they were all gathered together in one place with all their most advanced tech, at that point the Lortonoi would take control of all their minds and rule the galaxy. Basically.

Prrsi and Troceps are looking around the room and scan everyone but aren't able to locate the Lortonoi.

Or at least, they thought they scanned everyone....but there was one mind they forgot about....

....Sally was still in her room.

But it was not Sally! It was was...PISHKY! The tiny, adorable little turtle mind-forces everybody into paralysis and goes on a ridiculous "evil character finally seeing the master plan come together" tirade. He mocks the Fligigleh for being so naive and gullible. By letting the other races keep them as pets, the Lortonoi were able to hide in plain sight and yet still be able to total manipulate everything going on around them. There are a total of ten Lortonoi.

While Pishky is going on his tirade, John uses the cheddite projector to zap himself off the ship out of fear. But a minute later, just as Pishky is about to start actually fucking shit up, John suddenly reappears with what is, according to him, sure to stop the Lortonoi and save them all....it's....a kosher garlic salami!

The salami is merely a cover up, though. Within the salami lies the legendary Krakar. While Pishky was distracted with his villain monologue thing, John zapped himself to the Chachkas (oh yeah, Pishky broke the signal thing they had which would let them communicate) and let them scan his brain again to get caught up on everything which had happened. After seeing that the Lortonoi were about to do a terrible awful, they agreed to give John the Krakar in order to defeat them.

Along with John came Number Four (Number Three was busy). By the way did I mention the Chachkas basically look like cockroaches? And the size of them, too.

So the tiny turtle and cockroach lock minds in a super tense DBZ-esque staring contest. Eventually Number Four brains so hard that he boils the water in Pishky's bowl, ultimately killing him.

Then Number Four explains how to use the Krakar, which by the way looks like an ordinary spray can of, like, oven cleaner.

The Krakar sucks up everything within 2 light years into some kind of reverse-time space tornado thing, with such force that it sends everything caught within it back through time to the beginning of the universe, and....causes the Big Bang to happen.

So....that's why the Krakar could never be given to anyone or used unless necessary. It literally can only be used once.

However, lol, it's range is only 1.9 light years, so someone has to sacrifice themselves in order to use it. John, Jerry, and Chuck all volunteer and agree to do it together.

Number Four explains that there's like a one in a billion chance that after they fire it but before it finished taking effect, they might figure out a way to escape it without dying.

Spoilers, they figure it out and go all the way back in time to the Big Bang but then travel forward, like reverse through the tornado and end up in their own time on Earth, crashing the plane right next to where they took off, within a few seconds. Like they watch themselves taking off in the plane, from a distance.

In the short final scene, John asks Sally to marry him, she agrees, and Jerry and Chuck share a big long kiss and are definitely officially gay lovers now and they all live happily ever after the end.

wat
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Is that last part really real? Oh man.
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Brilliant!
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Ending with a gay couple seems pretty brave for 1973.
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Eerieka posted...

wat

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Haha. Priceless.

If anyone claims they called that ending they're full of it.
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mnkboy907 posted...

Is that last part really real? Oh man.

Yup.

Awesome write ups. That novel is a parody novel of terrible science fiction released in a period where there was a bunch of terrible science fiction. The author actually has some acclaimed work including Make Room, Make Room which served as the basis for Soylent Green.
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omg, wth. Troceps seems pretty awesome, though. How does the book actually read, compared to your write-ups?
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Yeah I'll do more of a reflection later. It was pretty far into the book when I finally became 100% sure it was not taking itself seriously. And I didn't look anything up about the book or the author until I was finished.

Yup that's why I didn't post til you were done. Didn't want to ruin it for anyone in the moment. Hopefully it was okay mentioning it now.
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That sounds great.
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Mobilezoid posted...

Ending with a gay couple seems pretty brave for 1973.

I also neglected to mention that lovable Old John is the only black person who works at or attends the college.

The tiny, adorable little turtle mind-forces everybody into paralysis and goes on a ridiculous "evil character finally seeing the master plan come together" tirade.

John suddenly reappears with what is, according to him, sure to stop the Lortonoi and save them all....it's....a kosher garlic salami!

Jerry and Chuck share a big long kiss and are definitely officially gay lovers now

this is the best book

great writeups too
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no crusty pop, huh
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