Current Events > Almost 5 months foster-adopting 3 kids. Irresponsible parents piss me off.

(+) Yeah! (+)

So a little bit of background. My wife and I wanted kids and went the adoption route. After months of no success, we were offered a foster-adopt option (similar to adoption, but parental rights not yet terminated, so higher risk of not getting the kids). We acquired three little girls, ages 5, 4, and 2. We knew taking in children that were forcibly removed from their homes would be a challenge, but that is an understatement.

Their teachers, counselors, and case workers have used a common terminology to describe them: feral. These kids have had no boundaries or discipline for all the years in their old home. They've been in 2 other foster homes before us and are off the walls. They growl when they get upset and just transform into something else entirely when they get taken outside. I'd say we've made some great progress in 4+ months to the point we can trust them outdoors now, but we have a long way to go.

Nevermind the actual abuse they had from their biological parents (that's a whole different can of worms), but just the utter neglect that must have happened to these kids for them to act the way they do just makes me so angry at how some parents can have kids and treat them this way. We've had them kicked out of daycares and have had babysitters quit on us because they can't handle them.

The crazy thing is they're not even ours yet (parental rights have not been terminated because our judicial system is slow as crap) but we've fallen in love with them and are determined to raise them and discipline them appropriately. This experience really puts me in the camp of requiring parent licenses to have kids. There is too much irresponsibility out there and it's up to the state and foster/adoptive parents to deal with the repercussions.

TL:DR- We gots kids, they be bad, we love them anyways.
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They might murder you in your sleep. Jus sayin.
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That's....wow, that's a hell of a sacrifice. Good for you. Hang in there.
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dude from 0 to 3 kids in one swift movement (bonus they are feral and crazy)?

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been together?

Do you guys make enough money to afford that many children?
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that is insane, how was the transition from "we want children" to "we now have three borderline feral kids who get kicked out of daycare"

i feel like having to deal with abuse baggage is a challenge in and of itself
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3? Sweet Jesus. One is hard enough. Good luck to you two. Hope they adjust
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hope things work out. my nephew got adopted by my sis when he was 7 and now he's in the Air Force. plenty of these kids come from shitty environments and there's no telling how it'll effect them, but I'm always happy when they find a good home.
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I don't care about having kids, but this is too much, even if you were desperate about having kids...

When you first posted about your trials and tribulations on adopting kids, i wished the best for you and your wife but now... welp...
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Zanzenburger posted...

My wife and I wanted kids and went the adoption route. After months of no success

A little off topic, why have you had so much difficulty?

I'm interested in possibly pursuing the adoption route in the future.

Zanzenburger posted...

We acquired three little girls

Now there's a phrase that sounds bad out of context
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ITT:
TC talks about irresponsible parents then proceeds to adopt 3 feral children in one fell swoop with no experience.
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Yeah I ain't having no kids.
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Dustin1280 posted...

ITT:
TC talks about irresponsible parents then proceeds to adopt 3 feral children in one fell swoop with no experience.

And he's doing better than the original parents did.
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That_Happened posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

ITT:
TC talks about irresponsible parents then proceeds to adopt 3 feral children in one fell swoop with no experience.

And he's doing better than the original parents did.

I can at least agree with that, but that doesn't mean it was a responsible decision.

Though those kids are better off with TC by the sounds of it.

So props for getting them to a better home at least.
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Where do you put your chances of parental custody being restored?
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wtf at feral children
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back handed compliments FTW
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C_Pain posted...

wtf at feral children

I imagine very disobedient kids.
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C_Pain posted...

wtf at feral children

You know those kids that don't behave inside or outside their homes, that shriek like fucking banshees in public spaces, that deface everything they see or touch, and are a complete fucking mess wherever they go?
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What are some of the biggest hardships specifically you dealt with?

Hows th 6 year old in school with others?

Dustin1280 posted...

That_Happened posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

ITT:
TC talks about irresponsible parents then proceeds to adopt 3 feral children in one fell swoop with no experience.

And he's doing better than the original parents did.

I can at least agree with that, but that doesn't mean it was a responsible decision.

Though those kids are better off with TC by the sounds of it.

So props for getting them to a better home at least.

At the very least they are still young enough that they can still have normal lives despite growing up feral.
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Are you gonna let them run the laser tag business
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Dustin1280 posted...

dude from 0 to 3 kids in one swift movement (bonus they are feral and crazy)?
How old are you and your wife?
How long have you been together?
Do you guys make enough money to afford that many children?

We are 30 and 29, respectively.
We've been married 6 years, together 9 years.
The state provides us a monthly check that is more than generous for the kids, plus they pay for all daycare, medical care, therapy, and necessary transportation, so financially it actually hasn't been an issue.

Cookie Bag posted...

I don't care about having kids, but this is too much, even if you were desperate about having kids...

When you first posted about your trials and tribulations on adopting kids, i wished the best for you and your wife but now... welp...

I don't regret it. We are making great progress and I love the kids. I'm not mad at the kids or the situation my wife and I are in at all. I'm more frustrated at the parents that can let this happen to their kids.

JoeyBowey posted...

A little off topic, why have you had so much difficulty?

I'm interested in possibly pursuing the adoption route in the future.

Because this is an adoption through the system, not private adoption, and we wanted toddlers. Most kids available for adoption through the system are 10 and older. There is fierce competition for the little kids as that's what every parent wants and we are all "competing" for them in a sense. I got these pretty easily precisely because there are 3 of them, they are foster-adopt, and their behavior issues.
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Dustin1280 posted...

ITT:
TC talks about irresponsible parents then proceeds to adopt 3 feral children in one fell swoop with no experience.

Keep in mind that this process involved extensive background checks, a 3-month home study, a psychological/mental health evaluation, and 27 hours of extensive parenting classes. We got the kids 8 months after our initial application. We were more than prepared to deal with the children. It was just surprising to see the reality of kids in the system.

Also, someone's gotta raise these kids. They've already gone through 2 foster homes. If not for us, they'd probably be moved from home to home until they aged out of the system and who knows how bad they would be by then. This hopefully helps remove some future criminals and druggies off the street.

Anteaterking posted...

Where do you put your chances of parental custody being restored?

Unofficially, the case workers say that there is no chance the parents win custody. Both parents are currently facing criminal charges and will likely be in prison a long time. If they lose the criminal trial, they will for sure lose the custody trial. Now it's just a waiting game.

CruelBuffalo posted...

What are some of the biggest hardships specifically you dealt with?

Hows th 6 year old in school with others?

Our home life got settled pretty quickly. Within about a month the girls learned to behave at home with a strict and consistent set of rules and schedules. My biggest issue is school/day care, places where we are not around. They listen to us, but they don't listen to anyone else and do what they want. They've hit, kicked, pushed, bit, and scratched other kids and teachers. I can punish them after the fact when they get home but it's not the same cause they half the time don't even know why they're being punished.

Our oldest is 5, and she is a bully. She has strong survival instincts due to her previous abuse and neglect, but she takes it out on other kids. We are working on helping her process through anger and grief in more healthy ways than through hitting other kids.

Cornmuffins posted...

Are you gonna let them run the laser tag business

lol, about that. If there's one thing they are good at is sports. They play laser tag every weekend and can even beat adults at it. My oldest two are also playing soccer and their aggression is pretty good out on the field. It allows them to let off steam. But yes, I plan to have them work the laser tag business when they're older.

Aeriis posted...

Wtf @ people insulting TC for doing something so kind and more positively impactful than anything most CE users have ever done

Also tag for some stories. I dont want to have kids but fostering is something Ive considered for the future.

I'll share some more stories later when I get home.
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Tag for stories.
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Wow TC - having worked in the foster system provided therapy for some of those youth, I really admire what you are doing :)

I don't envy you, but much respect.

Best wishes and good luck.

God bless you my friend. You're doing a great thing.
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I retract my earlier negatively charged statements and now fully support you in your endeavors.

Sounds like you guys were definitely prepared and those kids' lives will be much better because of it.

I personally don't envy your situation, but i respect what you guys are doing and apologize for my earlier statement.
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Thanks everyone.

Despite the struggle with these kids, we have had our good days. Two weeks ago we went to watch our local college basketball game. We thought it would be cute to dress all three of them as cheerleaders. We got them uniforms and ribbons and pom poms. At the game we even introduced them to the college cheerleaders.

At halftime, the cheer captain asked us permission to let the girls perform with them. They taught them a simple move and they got to perform with a group of cheerleaders in front of a huge audience. The girls were living the dream as they love attention and they were getting it in spades.

Best of all, they followed directions and performed the moves as instructed.
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The benefit of putting the girls to sleep early tonight was sneaking 3 eps Stranger Things.
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There are actual cases of feral kids that pop up from time to time. They're kids that the parents basically neglect completely and leave with their dogs. The kids end up walking on all fours and making animal noises. I don't kn ow why, but that shit legit creeps me out and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
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I remember you wanting to adopt kids for ages, especially the time you spoke about the one older teen who was looking for a place to call home. Congrats on making it a reality and godspeed in raising those kids.

Dustin1280 posted...

but i respect what you guys are doing and apologize for my earlier statement.

It's not everyday you see someone retract their statement online when you can just disappear with no fear of consequence.

I tip my hat to you sir.
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Grats on placement Z. You and your wife are heroes.

One question though. Relative placement possible? Did you case manager say this could be a factor?
I'm guessing since there are 3, not just anyone would come forward for that. So you might be good to go.

In Washington relatives can just come in and swoop kids away from their foster parents before the adoption process is finalized. Like I said though, 3 is a huge number. So any aunt or uncle will probably be like... NOPE.

Otherwise I think you are golden. The other thing worth mentioning is make a case to change their SSNs so those criminals don't try to claim any tax credits.

Thanks for keeping us posted.
Love to hear more when you have time.

My boy is 19 months now and a total genius and dare devil heh.
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Irresponsible parents piss me off...

about that part, yes indeed. Children really are miracles and should be loved, nurtured and educated using all available resources.
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Thrillwell posted...

Grats on placement Z. You and your wife are heroes.

One question though. Relative placement possible? Did you case manager say this could be a factor?
I'm guessing since there are 3, not just anyone would come forward for that. So you might be good to go.

In Washington relatives can just come in and swoop kids away from their foster parents before the adoption process is finalized. Like I said though, 3 is a huge number. So any aunt or uncle will probably be like... NOPE.

Otherwise I think you are golden. The other thing worth mentioning is make a case to change their SSNs so those criminals don't try to claim any tax credits.

Thanks for keeping us posted.
Love to hear more when you have time.

My boy is 19 months now and a total genius and dare devil heh.

Yes, relatives have first dibs on them. However, from what the case worker has told me, these kids and their parents are the black sheep of their respective families, so hardly anyone wants them.

There were only two real options. The first is the mom's sister and her husband. They fostered them before us. However, after the behavioral issues (and the fact they had their own 2 kids to worry about), they gave them up as they didn't want the responsibility.

The other is their grandmother. She is legitimately a good person from what I've been told and has treated the girls right. She even has tried to get them. But her husband is abusive and as a result their household failed the home study and so they don't qualify for kids. And she can't divorce him as she is unemployed and he is the only provider.

So when adoption comes, the priority list goes like this:
- Birth Parents (if rights aren't terminated)
- Birth relatives
- Foster Parents
- Approved adoptive parents

Birth parents are pretty much done for custody-wise, just waiting on the formal hearing. Birth relatives are out, so unless we make the choice to not take them ourselves, we should be a shoe in for them when they become available.
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Update:

My two oldest had a good day at school today. They have been so bad the last two weeks that we just had to go into lockdown mode and keep them locked in their room, having to eat dinner there and do their homework there. The youngest, the 2yo, who was well-behaved these last two weeks, got to go out to eat and got ice cream and cookies. I even let her eat the cookies in front of them to torture them. After consistent punishment for bad days in school, it seems they finally got the message and treaded very carefully. I met with the teachers during lunch time and they've told me they were doing much better today.

Also, I think the 2 year old will do the best growing up. She was taken out of her house when she was 1 year old and so our house is really all she knows. My wife is her one and only mom and I am her only dad according to her. She has the best chance of having a "normal" childhood. I just need to reprogram the other two to get rid of all the craziness from their previous lives.
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What exactly were the circumstances that led to these children being taken from their biological parents? What criminal charges are they facing? Do you take these children to see a therapist and/or work with a therapist in dealing with their behavior?

All the luck in the world to you man. This sounds like a pretty dramatic entry into fatherhood. I can't even say I'd be prepared to handle a single fully healthy child.
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Zanzenburger posted...

The state provides us a monthly check that is more than generous for the kids, plus they pay for all daycare, medical care, therapy, and necessary transportation, so financially it actually hasn't been an issue.

maybe instead of requiring parent licenses, they should just do this for all parents and not just adoptive or foster parents
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TommyG663513 posted...

What exactly were the circumstances that led to these children being taken from their biological parents? What criminal charges are they facing? Do you take these children to see a therapist and/or work with a therapist in dealing with their behavior?

All the luck in the world to you man. This sounds like a pretty dramatic entry into fatherhood. I can't even say I'd be prepared to handle a single fully healthy child.

The 5-year-old was sexually abused and neglected. There is suspicion the 4-year-old was also abused, but no one knows for sure (the 5yo is much more open to talking about her experiences). The 2yo just suffered neglect as far as I know.

The father is facing charges of abuse and neglect and the mom's being charged for neglect and as an accomplice to the father as she knew about the abuse and enabled it.

They are seeing two different therapists: one for the abuse/trauma and one for general behavioral issues.

You know, it's funny that you mention the being prepared for a kid thing. I've always wondered what the fuss was about when parents complain about their terrible toddler and these parents telling you "just wait until you're a parent" and warning you how hard it is to have a kid. I'm dealing with these three and it's overall not too bad. I mean, we had to make some adjustments to our lives, but I feel we have a consistent routine in the house that makes their issues tolerable.

Compared to that, my wife and I wonder how easy it would be to have just 1 baby without the baggage. It may seem mean or elitist, but I wonder how can parents complain about just one child when that would be a walk in the park for us? I still can't understand how parents can struggle so much keeping one kid in line.
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Balrog0 posted...

Zanzenburger posted...

The state provides us a monthly check that is more than generous for the kids, plus they pay for all daycare, medical care, therapy, and necessary transportation, so financially it actually hasn't been an issue.

maybe instead of requiring parent licenses, they should just do this for all parents and not just adoptive or foster parents

Maybe both?

Take the parenting courses and home studies to get a parent license, and parents with parent licenses are eligible for financial assistance for their kids. Then it becomes an incentive for parents to try and get the license, rather than force it on everyone.
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Oh, man, never adopt kids older than 5, after that they become monsters or fuck ups. There's a reason those kids don't have homes, TC. get rid of them and adopt a baby instead.
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Tag
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Why bother taking this upon yourself? What do you get out of it?
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Zanzenburger posted...

This experience really puts me in the camp of requiring parent licenses to have kids.

I've said this for years and whenever I do, people look at me like I'm a monster.
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tremain07 posted...

Oh, man, never adopt kids older than 5, after that they become monsters or fuck ups. There's a reason those kids don't have homes, TC. get rid of them and adopt a baby instead.

None of the kids I'm fostering are older than 5. And you can only get a baby through private adoption which costs about $10,000. We don't have that kind of cash.

REMercsChamp posted...

Why bother taking this upon yourself? What do you get out of it?

It's just another act of service. Some people give to charities, some people travel abroad to build schools and hospitals, and I want to help some disadvantaged kids who have no other hope for a good life. I've been toying around with the idea for a while and my wife was crazy enough to support it, lol.

Besides, the amount of love the girls give back is incomparable. They call me "papa" and you can tell they just want someone to love them and keep them safe. It's hard to explain in words to someone without kids just what kind of connection you form with your own kids that depend on you for survival. Even if they are not your biological children.

I can't wait for the day when they become outstanding adults with good jobs and making a difference in the world and knowing that I had a direct impact on their life trajectory.
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How was it discovered that the biological parents were abusing these children so severely? Did one of their family members call the police on them or perhaps a neighbor?

How much time could the biological parents end up spending in jail?
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TommyG663513 posted...

How was it discovered that the biological parents were abusing these children so severely? Did one of their family members call the police on them or perhaps a neighbor?

How much time could the biological parents end up spending in jail?

I think the 5yo said something in school/daycare. Schools are required by law to report anything that suspects child abuse which opens up a formal investigation. My guess is the investigation landed enough proof that abuse did happen. They were also drug users of all kinds and lived in a craphole of a house with no water or electricity.

My understanding is that there were several police involved as well as human services case workers raiding the house to forcibly take the girls out. The girls acted like savage creatures as the case worker told me and it took 3 case workers to be able to get the 3 little girls out of the house as they were too uncontrollable, while the police detained the parents from doing anything. It sounds like a really crazy night at that house.

I have no idea how long they could be in prison. The criminal trial is ongoing and they haven't told me anything. The next court date isn't until February so I likely won't know anything more until then.
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