Current Events > Almost 5 months foster-adopting 3 kids. Irresponsible parents piss me off.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Cool parenting hacks that has made my life easier:

- Put the girls to bed at 8pm. That gives the wife and I a good 2 hours to catch up on shows that we can't watch around the girls. We just finished Stranger Things season 2 last night.
- Wake up at 5:30am. This lets me walk the dogs before the girls get up and get annoying. Then wake up the girls at 6am before the sun comes out. If they get up before the sun, they are much more compliant.
- On weekends, I have set a "wake-up" procedure to allow me to sleep in some. If the girls get up, they must stay on their beds until I come in the room and allow them to get out. They can talk to each other and do whatever as long as they are on their bed. Once I arrive (usually within 20 minutes of them waking up), I "release" them onto the perimeter of the bedroom (and adjoining bathroom). I bring a light breakfast snack and some water for them to have and tell them to stay in the room. They can play with all their toys and do what they want as long as they stay in the room. Then I go back to bed and I get another hour of sleep that way as they are pretty behaved with the snack and toys. Then I get up and give them a proper breakfast.
- I am the morning parent, wife is the evening parent. I walk the dogs, feed the cats, dress the girls, take out the trash, and take them to school/daycare. The wife picks them up, helps them with homework, draws their baths, makes them dinner, and together we put them to bed.
- We do lines. Just like in school, the girls line up to go anywhere outside the house: the car, Walmart, the park, etc. We practice walking in line to keep them still and focused. It has done a lot towards their discipline. We also get compliments from other parents for how behaved they are when in line.
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You are so goddamn greedy, you have fucking pets,too?! Also fuck those other parents. I hate everything about this!
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tremain07 posted...

You are so goddamn greedy, you have fucking pets,too?! Also fuck those other parents. I hate everything about this!

This gimmick has passed from edgy to dumb, you broke my immersion with this post.
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Lol
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Love seeing your adoption update topics pop up Zanzenburger. Glad to hear everything is going so well.

Where are you getting your parenting ideas from? The walking in lines, strict morning bedroom routines, etc.
Has becoming a parent affected you or your wife's jobs negatively?
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tremain07 posted...

I hate everything about this!

you don't like anything
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Good for you for improving the lives of those children.

One of my coworkers had a foster child from the time he was born until he was one year old. At first she didn't want to adopt and just foster, but as time went on she became attached and opened up to adopting. It really stressed her out not knowing if she'd get the keep the baby or if the parents would somehow not receive severance.
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No to the idea of parent licenses. Are you kidding or what? Yeah, I'm sure that'd work out just grand.
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BlazinBlue88 posted...

Love seeing your adoption update topics pop up Zanzenburger. Glad to hear everything is going so well.

Where are you getting your parenting ideas from? The walking in lines, strict morning bedroom routines, etc.
Has becoming a parent affected you or your wife's jobs negatively?

Honestly, a lot of it came from my own childhood. I lived a relatively strict childhood and went to a private Catholic school with angry nuns. They had every child under full control from the moment they arrived to the moment they left. I just took and adapted some of their policies. The rest was really just trial and error on my part. I look at their behavior patterns and try to determine the trigger for their behavior. Remove the trigger, remove the behavior. Their trigger seems to be lack of structure or direction. If left with no instruction, they go crazy. But if they are given one specific task to do, they are pretty good at focusing on the task and listen.

It did at first, if only because we'd get calls from the school and daycare sending the girls home for bad behavior. We had to take off work a lot for that and the various medical visits (kids are like always sick yo). But our bosses understood what we were going through. It's settled down since then though and I think we have a good flow going.
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I'm gonna go ahead an do this...

Zanzenburger 2020

I'd vote for him 200,000 times via Russian connections.

In our state social workers literally have to work with kids crawling on their desks because they have no where to go. At night they have to put em up in hotels because no one wants these children.
Meanwhile the government cuts resources left and right.
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Good on you TC for doing this.
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People like you are heroes. I wish you and your family nothing but the best.
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Thanks guys.

To be frank, it's weird how much praise I get for doing this (both online and IRL around other people). I can see how crazy and amazing this sounds from an outsider's perspective, but for me and my wife, the girls have been a pretty awesome addition to our family. For each stressful day I have with them at school, we have two awesome days playing Mario Kart, singing together while I play my guitar, buying them new toys, baking cookies together, etc.

They've made my life feel so much fuller and have given my various other life involvements more purpose. I'm one of those people that was destined to be a family man. I can understand people that don't want kids ever and will never judge them, but for me, the bigger the family, the better. I don't plan to stop after these three, btw. I'm hoping for a biological boy next.
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My girls and I are binging the first season of Pokemon this weekend. We are currently starting Bye Bye Butterfree. I'm ready to see if there are any waterworks (besides mine).
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I think I'd rather be dead than OP
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My youngest managed to find and steal (and then promptly lose) my wife's employee ID badge (with her security clearance) so we spent 3 hours trying to find it. We finally found it outside. She took it outside when her babysitter took them for a walk and dropped it.

Many yells and punishes were had.
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Zanzenburger posted...

My youngest managed to find and steal (and then promptly lose) my wife's employee ID badge (with her security clearance) so we spent 3 hours trying to find it. We finally found it outside. She took it outside when her babysitter took them for a walk and dropped it.

Many yells and punishes were had.

At least you found it. Having to report a lost/stolen id and getting a replacement does not sound like a fun task.
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Tmaster148 posted...

At least you found it. Having to report a lost/stolen id and getting a replacement does not sound like a fun task.

Not at all. We had to firmly explain to the girls that if we didn't find the ID, that mom would lose her job and we would all have to leave this house. I hated to scare them that way but they needed to understand how big consequences can get for careless actions.
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Zanzenburger posted...

Tmaster148 posted...

At least you found it. Having to report a lost/stolen id and getting a replacement does not sound like a fun task.

Not at all. We had to firmly explain to the girls that if we didn't find the ID, that mom would lose her job and we would all have to leave this house. I hated to scare them that way but they needed to understand how big consequences can get for careless actions.

Is that actually true or were you just embellishing to make a point?
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BlazinBlue88 posted...

Zanzenburger posted...

Tmaster148 posted...

At least you found it. Having to report a lost/stolen id and getting a replacement does not sound like a fun task.

Not at all. We had to firmly explain to the girls that if we didn't find the ID, that mom would lose her job and we would all have to leave this house. I hated to scare them that way but they needed to understand how big consequences can get for careless actions.

Is that actually true or were you just embellishing to make a point?

Pretty sure that's not true. I work with a clearance and there's a whole process in place in case you lose you id.
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Good job TC. The posts in this topic do make me feel really bad for children who dont get a functional and loving home like yours. Especially those kids that get bounced around homes until they get in legal trouble or reach 18.
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Tmaster148 posted...

BlazinBlue88 posted...

Zanzenburger posted...

Tmaster148 posted...

At least you found it. Having to report a lost/stolen id and getting a replacement does not sound like a fun task.

Not at all. We had to firmly explain to the girls that if we didn't find the ID, that mom would lose her job and we would all have to leave this house. I hated to scare them that way but they needed to understand how big consequences can get for careless actions.

Is that actually true or were you just embellishing to make a point?

Pretty sure that's not true. I work with a clearance and there's a whole process in place in case you lose you id.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure she would have been fine ultimately. But her boss already doesn't like her so it definitely would have been another point against her if she reported lost.
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josifrees posted...

Good job TC. The posts in this topic do make me feel really bad for children who dont get a functional and loving home like yours. Especially those kids that get bounced around homes until they get in legal trouble or reach 18.

I've been volunteering at adoption fairs since I got these kids. It really is depressing.

For one, adoption fairs are exactly what they sound like. You have groups of interested parents in this large auditorium (usually at a church or school) looking through all the foster kids and trying to find one to adopt. The kids are treated like shelter animals as parents go to talk to them to see if they want them as their kid, and of course, certain kids get all the parents looking while others don't get any inquiries at all.

I went to just one of these as a possible adoptive parent and hated it so much I never went again in that capacity. I go now as a volunteer to provide support and play games with the foster kids who are obviously uncomfortable at these things. They hate being there but they know this is one of their only chances of getting adopted if they're older than 9.

Many of these kids only get worse as they get older thanks to all the rejections from possible parents and foster parents. After a while, I almost feel like they are more damaged from the moving around home-to-home than the original tragedy that got them in this situation in the first place.
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Panthera posted...

Zanzenburger posted...

We acquired three little girls

Now there's a phrase that sounds bad out of context

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbsMZecRgbI
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As someone who works with kids in a psychiatric program, God bless you.
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1NfamousACE_2 posted...

As someone who works with kids in a psychiatric program, God bless you.

Share some thoughts and stories pls.
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Thrillwell posted...

1NfamousACE_2 posted...

As someone who works with kids in a psychiatric program, God bless you.

Share some thoughts and stories pls.

Seconded
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Zanzenburger posted...

Thrillwell posted...

1NfamousACE_2 posted...

As someone who works with kids in a psychiatric program, God bless you.

Share some thoughts and stories pls.

Seconded

Well as of right now, I have a kid who strips when he gets mad.

I have 17 year olds that act like 5 year olds.

I had a kid who's parent treated them like a dog, so they acted like one.

I had kids who smeared shit on walls. Peed on their floor.

Kids who have been sexually assaulted. I get the worst of the worst. I'm in the highest level of care in the state at the voluntary level and anything above me is DJJ.
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Most of the behavior comes from the upbringing. There's no way a 7 year old should call me and my staff the n-word.

The disrespect of these kids is terrible, and its because they don't respect adults on the outside.

I once had a parent that told me "My daughter doesn't listen, thats why she's here" And in my mind, I'm like, well if she doesn't listen to you, then why would she listen to us?
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I was thinking about your statement concerning people saying parenting aint easy and how its relatively easy for you and a few things came to mind.

1) you are using daycare which pretty much limits your responsibility to your children. This inherently lowers the amount of time you have to deal with the short term needs of your children.
2) the ages of your children means you are pretty much past the point of having to change 10-20 diapers daily or have a child crying with no means of communicating their short team needs. Your kids are old enough that they can tell you when they are hungry, tired, want attention, are cold or hot, or need to use the bathroom. The first year of traditional parenting where your kid has limited methods of communication seems to be a lot different than once they can start communicating
3) from what I understand from people whove had kids that have grown up, the older they get the bigger the problems are and the harder it is for your children to respect your authority. You may have it somewhat easier in that respect though because your older ones have an idea of how good theyve got it with you rather than their biological parents
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josifrees posted...

I was thinking about your statement concerning people saying parenting aint easy and how its relatively easy for you and a few things came to mind.

1) you are using daycare which pretty much limits your responsibility to your children. This inherently lowers the amount of time you have to deal with the short term needs of your children.
2) the ages of your children means you are pretty much past the point of having to change 10-20 diapers daily or have a child crying with no means of communicating their short team needs. Your kids are old enough that they can tell you when they are hungry, tired, want attention, are cold or hot, or need to use the bathroom. The first year of traditional parenting where your kid has limited methods of communication seems to be a lot different than once they can start communicating
3) from what I understand from people whove had kids that have grown up, the older they get the bigger the problems are and the harder it is for your children to respect your authority. You may have it somewhat easier in that respect though because your older ones have an idea of how good theyve got it with you rather than their biological parents

These are some good thoughts and good points.
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Our 4-year-old was suspended today for running around the school and trying to escape. When put in her room, she kept screaming she doesn't want to live in the house anymore, and that she wants to go away.

In the spur of the moment, I picked her up and took her outside and placed her in front of me. I told her "Okay, so now you're not in the house. Now what?" She stands there and looks at me for like a solid minute, then starts crying and hugs me and screams she wants to go back into the house.

I managed to catch her bluff and told her why saying things she doesn't mean is bad. I'm hoping that sticks.
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Damn. Lol
Good job.
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Dang, lots has happened since my last post. Apparently the parent termination trial was pushed forward from February to two weeks from now. Meaning that the parents could lose custody of their children by early December and then the girls would be available for adoption.

The downside is the girls have been subpeoned to testify in court about what happened to them. Yes, the 4 and 5 year old.
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Wow

Do you get to be in the court room?
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josifrees posted...

Wow

Do you get to be in the court room?

You may be able to suggest that the judge interview the kids privately in chambers as opposed to in front of the parents in the courtroom.
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My mom has a friend who had a bunch of foster kids and one of them who had real bad austim or something literally stabbed her in the back. Little girl is in the state hospital now.
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That sounds insane, GL.
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What do you tell the schools/babysitters/daycares etc? Like do they understand the full situation and prepare for it or do you just hand them over and be like that may have a few behavioral issues good luck lol
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In addition you may need to get a few letters of reference from people who know the situation and believe you would be the best parents for the children.
The daycare owner should be able to write a good letter for you as there have been behavioral improvements.
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I still don't know how you do it. My one and only child kept me up last night and now I'm 2 hours behind schedule lol
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josifrees posted...

Wow

Do you get to be in the court room?

Yes, as we too will likely be forced to give testimony.

AvlButtslam posted...

What do you tell the schools/babysitters/daycares etc? Like do they understand the full situation and prepare for it or do you just hand them over and be like that may have a few behavioral issues good luck lol

We tell them enough so they are prepared. We stay in communication often and have developed behavior plans together.

SusanGreenEyes posted...

In addition you may need to get a few letters of reference from people who know the situation and believe you would be the best parents for the children.
The daycare owner should be able to write a good letter for you as there have been behavioral improvements.

Our case worker is already working on all that.
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It seems the girls will have to testify on the stand in front of everyone. But it is very likely they will remove the parents as their presence could compromise the honesty in their testimony.

We have an appointment with their lawyer in two weeks who will prep them for the stand.

It will be nice when this is all over.
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I hope it's over and done with soon; you deserve to have your family without distraction from the past. It'll always be there, but you won't really be able to move forward until this is all done with.
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Good luck, TC. Court proceeding are rough and worse with children involved.
Hope things work out in a way that is best for the kids and that the court sees that you are what is best for the kids.

If the bio parents got their life together some time in the future would you allow them to visit/see their kids? Or do you think the damage done is too great and prefer them to go away forever?
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Melonfarms posted...

If the bio parents got their life together some time in the future would you allow them to visit/see their kids? Or do you think the damage done is too great and prefer them to go away forever?

Good question.

I'm of the mind that if/when the girls eventually want to see (or in the case of the 2yo, meet) their bio parents, and they're old enough I think they can handle it, I'd absolutely let them see each other. Otherwise they'd always have this void in their hearts of wondering and may go looking for them anyways. I'd rather be a part of the process so they don't build any resentment towards me for not letting them.

With that said, I don't plan to ever make friends with those parents or invite them to any family get-togethers. If they see the girls, it is for closure/curiosity purposes only (for the girls, not them).
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Wow TC, doing Gods work.

Do these girls look like they could be your daughter?

My cousin adopted this little girl and she definitely sticks out. She is a little white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, while my cousin, his wife, and biological daughter are all dark-skinned, brown hair, brown eyes.
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Returning_CEmen posted...

Do these girls look like they could be your daughter?

It actually works out pretty nicely. My wife is white and blonde, and the girls are white. The two younger ones are white and blonde so they could totally pass as my wife's kids, but the older one has darker brown hair and more native american facial features, which makes her look like more like my kid (I'm hispanic).
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