Board 8 > I am constantly scared of dying.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Decided to make this topic instead of keeping it in like I usually do. I have lost 30 pounds so far this year but even with weight loss I have a lot wrong with me health wise at 34. My thyroid is severely underactive and it affects me a lot. Somedays I can barely crawl out of bed. I put on a brave face and don't mention how bad it is because I don't want people to think of me as less than.

Anyway I am in tears because they have to change my medicine again today and it feels like a reset. It sounds so childish but at these moments I really wish my mom was still here.

I love this place so much. I love life so much. I really don't want to leave any time soon but somedays it feels like I am half way out the door. The brain fog and the need to rest constantly is so disheartening.

Anyway how's your day going.

I've been struggling with health issues since last May and countless doctors haven't been able to figure out anything (despite perfect bloodwork and other tests). It's been an awful struggle and it only feels like it's getting worse every month.

I know how you feel, especially with the resetting thing and just trying new medications and just hoping it'll work. =/

I've been thinking of death a lot too lately since I had a health scare a few months ago.

For me what worked so far is just be grateful that I even got to live a pretty good life so far. Yeah it'll suck to die but at least I got to experience and do some cool things, which is more than some other people get.

And, well, it depends on your beliefs about the afterlife, but you'll be either unconscious to worry about it, enjoy eternal peace, or...have bigger things to worry about.

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist."
-Epicurus

in December my work was running me to the ground so bad that my blood pressure got to the 200s just from the stress

I started to go blind and my brother even started to make peace that I was going to die since 200s is like stroke levels (he didn't tell me this until recently)

I cannot believe I allowed myself to get this way

once I realized how bad this actually was, all I wanted to do is get better, I felt like I was on the clock but we had to go through several kinds of meds. I could not believe it was a Trial and error process and it made me nervous. what if we weren't fast enough?

But eventually we found the right combination.

I mean, your situation is ...probably worse maybe? But hang in there, brother. It'll get better. I was in the same boat.

I am not sure I am suffering from health issues moreso than just depression and stress induced malady. Like my insomnia and stuff is most likely all stress and depression related. But, I think about that stuff a lot also and also get really worked up and upset when I think about people mistreating my kid like I was by others when he is older and growing up. It's stressful.

I hope you get better though.

I lost a lot of weight lately, and my cousin was like damn man you lost a lot do you feel better, and I was like no. I don't feel better. If anything I feel like it was all for nothing and worthless.

So, I mean, I get It tho. Someday getting up seems pointless. Talking to other girls or even socializing with anyone at all or being excited about things seems pointless.

Some days are always gonna be shitty, and that's okay. You aren't any less of a person for your struggles.

I don't know the details about your health or meds compared to mine, but for me, meds are there so I get more days than I would otherwise, and I can do more with them, even it's less than I might have had in another life. Like, I know I'm gonna die younger than most, that's just the hand that's been dealt. But medication will keep me alive longer and make me more functional while I'm here. Some days you'll probably feel awful and that's just something you've gotta accept, fully functioning body or not, but getting help, whether it's from other people or healthcare, can mean you have as many good days as possible.

And on another note regarding meds: changing your medication doesn't cancel out any progress or push you back. It's just taking a chance to make a chance, to give you more of those good days and less of the shit ones with the fatigue and the brain fog. You're always gonna be in a different place to when you started them originally and changing meds is a course adjustment rather than a full pushback in your path through life.

I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope your new medication(s) significantly improve your life experience. It sounds like the doctors still have ideas, which is positive. I know you'll hold in there- it's your style. Do what the doctors say and beyond that do what common sense entails

Don't know if you want to talk about death, or talk about thinking about death, or just talk about how much being sick sucks.

I used to think about death a lot and be extremely unhappy about it. Nowadays, I just try to keep my life as satisfactory as possible while I'm alive

Weirdly, existentialism isn't as frustrating when my body is feeling better. It's kind if crazy how much our bodies' background sensations- even stuff like sleep and hunger- can affect our metaphysical crises. hopefully your specialists can handle the worst of what is being thrown at you right now

I love all you guys

And existential crisis is a bitch, yeah

I know we have the mental health topic too, but remember that none of you guys are alone. There's always someone in the community who you can talk to

You can be scared, and stay scared, for decades. People do it all the time and last a long time. Just don't unnecessarily shorten your life.

DoomTheGyarados posted...

Anyway I am in tears because they have to change my medicine again today and it feels like a reset. It sounds so childish but at these moments I really wish my mom was still here.

Theres nothing childish about missing someone who would give you a lot of emotional support during a tough time, I hope you will get better.

I had a kid in my life that isn't with me anymore and I think and cry about it a lot. Things I don't usually say out loud.

It is hard living in a post happiness world. What it feels like some days.

I know this feeling. Not existing anymore is terrifying and some nights I cant even sleep because I worry Ill die or somebody I know. Theres a lot Im unhappy with in life and its hard not to dwell on it and feel lots of regret. Some nights Im even irrationally afraid to fall asleep since the thought I might die enters my head. Im envious of the types who always seem to be living to the fullest without any worries.

Love ya dude. I miss our driving each other insane back in Mercs, lol

<3

Sorry youre struggling Chris, I hope things turn around soon.

swordz9 posted...

Not existing anymore is terrifying

For me the idea of not existing is far less scary than eternal life.

Makes me feel like a bad Christian, but I sometimes think not existing would be better. Staying conscious after death forever is terrifying. Even if heaven is amazing that's so long and I cant imagine just existing forever. I can start feeling serious anxiety when thinking about it.

There are a lot of times where just not existing sounds so much better. Just being done.

God, some people here are having it rough. It seems shocking when you see it all at once but maybe it's just that nobody talks about this type of thing usually. I'm not afraid that I'll die, but I have a kind of similar situation. Changing medication, feeling terrible in various ways a lot of the time, and being afraid it won't ever get better.

Changing medicine is recalibrating. With more information, they can aim better at what will help.

You'll keep pushing through, even when it feels like it's not much pushing much at all. You're strong like that. I believe in you, and love you. Just keep reaching out when you need to.

Sometimes its actually the medication making you feel bad (as in depression wise). That happened to my brother and it turned out he didn't need any medication at all.

I have to have my thyroid checked every few years since my grandmother had thyroid cancer and two of my aunts had theirs killed because it didn't work properly. So far I've been good. I hope this new medication works for you and helps with the depression as well.

Sorry man. Youre a great dude with lots going for you, as dark as times may seen. I dont pretend to know anything about medications but like what Alanna said, sometimes medications arent the end all be all. Regardless, dont let the fear of striking out keep you from walking up to the plate. Enjoy your life, take charge of the aspects that you can, and dont let fear stop you. If anything, let it motivate you to do even more. As far as the constant fatigue goes, let your body rest as it needs to and slowly continue eating right and exercising, which it sounds like youve been doing if you lost 30lbs.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with that Chris (& everyone) - though congrats on the weight loss! You'd feel even worse without that. Losing weight always makes me feel a bit better, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm depressed, alone, and miserable all the time, and thus I tend to gain it back.

While my physical health has been okay, my mental health has been anything but. What I'm doing to rectify this is taking a once-weekly appetite suppressant so I don't stress-eat as much. I'm still trying to determine if it's helping or not. I also am thinking I increase my dose of antidepressants. The seasonal change is wrecking me...

If anyone needs someone to talk to, you know where to find me. I'm always here for an ear.

I am scared less of death than I am of aging, of being less, of decaying and diminishing. I frequently have thoughts that I would rather go out early, even if I have to make that happen, than to lose my physical ability and my mental wherewithal. I already know I'm not the person I was 20 years ago cognitively, and I started wearing glasses a couple years ago and it's already getting really hard to operate without them. I look good, age-wise, and I feel good when we're ignoring my depression (which is its own beast,) but the thought of being an invalid scares the shit out of me.

Good job losing the 30 pounds (assuming you're not anorexic, which I somehow doubt.) Use that as something to look at and think about how you're establishing forward momentum in making the kinds of changes you want and need, even if you're struggling elsewhere. Hopefully you'll have the strength to change what you can change and serenity for the things you can't, yadda yadda.

This will sound silly but try real hard to go outside at least an hour a day. Looks at the trees, hear the birds, breathe in the fresh air. It does wonders for your psyche.

I've had (and currently have) some health issues. I don't talk about them. The best thing for me is just making that extra effort to do the things I love most. Last year I hopped on a plane and flew to New Orleans. Stayed on the river close to Bourbon Street and forced myself out. Did my body feel like it? Not at all. But then I started hearing that jazz music. I smelt the amazing food. I saw people getting wasted and having a great time (I didn't, I was by myself in NOLA and I'm not stupid). It takes a lot of effort sometimes if you're physically struggling. Find your happy place and go there. It'll help.

Commodore posted...

I saw people getting wasted and having a great time (I didn't, I was by myself in NOLA and I'm not stupid).

I feel targeted

About four years ago, I quit my job for many reasons, and went on a solo trip to NOLA and got wasted and had a great time >_>

Comm has done this multiple times and one of those times he was just watching Aecioo drunk out of his mind in NOLA

Seanchan posted...

This will sound silly but try real hard to go outside at least an hour a day. Looks at the trees, hear the birds, breathe in the fresh air. It does wonders for your psyche.

This only helps so long as the weather cooperates. I try to get at least one 45-minute walk outside in when the weather's nice. If it's grim, gloomy, icy, muddy, or anything like that, it's not good for the psyche. Like today it's mid-30s, overcast, with a dusting of snow. The smells and sights of that are more depressing than anything, even if there are birds chirping.

Getting out to get some sun and fresh air is always nice, so on those days I always know I have to go outside. It really does help. But at the same time, it can make me miserable on a day like today.

BlueCrystalTear posted...

This only helps so long as the weather cooperates. I try to get at least one 45-minute walk outside in when the weather's nice. If it's grim, gloomy, icy, muddy, or anything like that, it's not good for the psyche. Like today it's mid-30s, overcast, with a dusting of snow. The smells and sights of that are more depressing than anything, even if there are birds chirping.

Getting out to get some sun and fresh air is always nice, so on those days I always know I have to go outside. It really does help. But at the same time, it can make me miserable on a day like today.

As long as it's not too bad out (super windy, lots of precipitation) I still think it's a good idea to get outside, even if just for a few minutes. Sure the weather might not be ideal, but the walk helps get you exercise, gets you to think about different things (even if it's just how conditions suck), and I find the cold is usually less bothersome than I expect if I go at a decent pace. It just helps to get out of the box (i.e. house, room, office) and mindset I'm normally in all day. Plus, I can appreciate the comforts of being back inside even more.

Yeah, anything to make life feel a little less like being in jail

It would be great if the emotional high I feel from getting outside or exercising actually lasted longer than like 15 minutes after I stop. Like I do that and when I get back to other things I just completely wilt, feeling worse than before the exercise. I still do it for the health benefit but it's incredibly draining.

Aecioo posted...

I feel targeted

About four years ago, I quit my job for many reasons, and went on a solo trip to NOLA and got wasted and had a great time >_>

No judgment! I've had many a great time in New Orleans! I just figured at my age now (that's painful to say), I'd be better off doing tours and sticking with the crowd. I still had fun!