Current Events > Are you still on good terms with any of your ex-partners?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I've burnt all of my bridges with all of my ex-girlfriends, granted there are only 3 of them.

One was a demon who negatively impacted how I saw any relationship.

I tend to get ice cold to all my other exs.

Theres only 1 that I have a big regret for doing that to. I intend to try to find her again although not sure if I will. 70-30 I am gonna. It could cause issues. Still uncertain.

No. I tend to not want to associate with people who gaslight me, cause me lots of grief, etc.

Im in good terms with a girl I went out with a couple times.

My main ex tho; there isnt enough pain in this world for that psychopath

Glob posted...

Wow, thats a lot of exes.

They're sorta spaced out, and that's every ex for my entire life. So like, the first one was from 6th grade up until now when I'm 32. I'd say I have the average number of exes I guess?

hyperskate65 posted...

They're sorta spaced out, and that's every ex for my entire life. So like, the first one was from 6th grade up until now when I'm 32. I'd say I have the average number of exes I guess?

I wouldnt have even thought to include ones from school, personally.

I guess it seems a lot to me because most of my relationships have been fairly long. This means that while Ive spent hardly any time single, I dont have that many exes.

Yep, because we were friends.

A couple. One of them is a "better friends than lovers" type of situation, and the other is the person who hooked me up with my current partner.

Zonbei posted...

only advice I can give you is: its not the fault of other people, or some cosmic force hell bent on harming you. It COULD be sheer bad luck; in the end, relationships are a matter of change, even though you can stack the deck in your favor.

There is something you can be doing to stack that deck, you just need to identify what it is. Those people you say are more desirable than you are more desirable because theyve done the work to be more desirable.

Nah... I've seen it happen enough. Anyone else can attract someone just by existing. They'll have opportunities and connections with people that then evolve into something more. They don't need to change who they are, or put on shows. Even if they're unattractive and have a nasty personality. Just being themselves is good enough, and I'm just not good enough. That's all there is to it really.

There's just something inherently undesirable about me. I don't know what it is, but everyone else can see it. It's like they just naturally reject the idea that I could be a potential partner.

You don't end up a friendless, loveless, 40 year old virgin if you have options.

Glob posted...

Not trying to make you depressed mate. But if you compare yourself to somebody like me who has had multiple relationships, Ive asked plenty of girls out who have said no. You need to learn to dust yourself off and try again.

Even without comparing to anyone else, I'm disappointed with myself. Then I see all the success everyone has, and I want that too. I don't need some rich super model, I just want someone to care about me. I want to be loved, and to be wanted.

I'm just not capable of inspiring that in others I guess. The worst part is that it proved my dad right. He always said no one would ever love me, and here we are.

KogaSteelfang posted...

Nah... I've seen it happen enough. Anyone else can attract someone just by existing. They'll have opportunities and connections with people that then evolve into something more. They don't need to change who they are, or put on shows. Even if they're unattractive and have a nasty personality. Just being themselves is good enough, and I'm just not good enough. That's all there is to it really.

There's just something inherently undesirable about me. I don't know what it is, but everyone else can see it. It's like they just naturally reject the idea that I could be a potential partner.

You don't end up a friendless, loveless, 40 year old virgin if you have options.

You do if you convince yourself that you have no options. I dont mean to be horrible, but youre talking complete and utter bollocks.

I can tell you right now what it is thats so undesirable about you. Its your attitude. You have no self-respect and no love for yourself, so why would anybody else feel those things for you? Youve closed yourself off. Nobody else can do that.

I hate to say it, but its on you. However, you can choose whether or not that continues to be the case. Based on previous interactions with you, Im inclined to think that youll continue to tell yourself and everybody else that youre unloveable, which is actually the thing that makes you unloveable.

You say you want to be with somebody, but you dont want it badly enough to open yourself to the possibility of it.

Even without comparing to anyone else, I'm disappointed with myself. Then I see all the success everyone has, and I want that too. I don't need some rich super model, I just want someone to care about me. I want to be loved, and to be wanted.

That starts with you.

I'm just not capable of inspiring that in others I guess. The worst part is that it proved my dad right. He always said no one would ever love me, and here we are.

Your dad sounds like a dick but youre a grown man and need to stop living in his shadow. My parents were dicks too, of the highest magnitude. Take ownership of your own life.

Glob posted...

You have no self-respect and no love for yourself

That's true.

Glob posted...

so why would anybody else feel those things for you?

Let's invert that. Why would I feel love for myself when no one's shown I'm worth it? I also don't let people see that side of me. Trust me, I've become a pro at hiding myself.

Glob posted...

Youve closed yourself off. Nobody else can do that.

Yes. I'm very closed off. I have walls upon walls, upon walls. It takes me such an incredibly long time grow close enough to someone to start lowering them... But I'm still friendly and kind, and honest with people. They can still get to know me, I just keep things distant emotionally so I don't get hurt. Does that make me undeserving of love? Does it make me a bad person?

I understand that it would make growing attached difficult... But that doesn't matter because no one's ever been interested in trying.

Glob posted...

I hate to say it, but its on you.

You're right, it is me. I'm the problem. Always have been, always will be.

Glob posted...

My parents were dicks too, of the highest magnitude.

I don't know the history there, but I guarantee my parents could give them a run for the money.

KogaSteelfang posted...

That's true.

Let's invert that. Why would I feel love for myself when no one's shown I'm worth it? I also don't let people see that side of me. Trust me, I've become a pro at hiding myself.

What part of it has to start with you are you not getting? You cant invert it. Thats just a lame justification for your defeatist attitude.

Yes. I'm very closed off. I have walls upon walls, upon walls. It takes me such an incredibly long time grow close enough to someone to start lowering them... But I'm still friendly and kind, and honest with people. They can still get to know me, I just keep things distant emotionally so I don't get hurt. Does that make me undeserving of love? Does it make me a bad person?

Does it make you a bad person? No. But it does make you a very unrealistic prospect for finding that sort of connection with somebody. You say you want it, but act in the exact opposite way to achieve it.

It would be like saying you want to be a world class pianist and then deliberately breaking all your fingers.

I understand that it would make growing attached difficult... But that doesn't matter because no one's ever been interested in trying.

Even if they were, you wouldnt notice. Youre too busy convincing yourself that its impossible.

You're right, it is me. I'm the problem. Always have been, always will be.

Then thats a choice. You know youre self-sabotaging and continue to do so.

I don't know the history there, but I guarantee my parents could give them a run for the money.

Ive no reason to doubt that. Plenty of shitbags in the world.

Most of them, yes.

Guide posted...

I mean, you can have those without all the baggage of prior romance.

Correct, but to claim its pointless to speak to your exes? Makes it seem like you think they only matter as long as theyre fucking you, or whatever.

KogaSteelfang posted...

Nah... I've seen it happen enough. Anyone else can attract someone just by existing. They'll have opportunities and connections with people that then evolve into something more. They don't need to change who they are, or put on shows. Even if they're unattractive and have a nasty personality. Just being themselves is good enough, and I'm just not good enough. That's all there is to it really.

There's just something inherently undesirable about me. I don't know what it is, but everyone else can see it. It's like they just naturally reject the idea that I could be a potential partner.

You don't end up a friendless, loveless, 40 year old virgin if you have options.

Even without comparing to anyone else, I'm disappointed with myself. Then I see all the success everyone has, and I want that too. I don't need some rich super model, I just want someone to care about me. I want to be loved, and to be wanted.

I'm just not capable of inspiring that in others I guess. The worst part is that it proved my dad right. He always said no one would ever love me, and here we are.

Yeah no, the issue here is pretty clearly your attitude and the fact you definitely need to go to therapy to deal with your issues with your self-image and your father.

people I've hooked up in the past? Yeah, mostly good terms.

People I've dated for more than a few years? Mostly severed connection. Not really bad term (would say "hello" to in a bar, e.g.) but I also have zero desire to interact with them.

Glob posted...

What part of it has to start with you are you not getting? You cant invert it. Thats just a lame justification for your defeatist attitude.

*Is treated like trash. Is talked to like trash. Is looked down upon as trash. Is told he's trash.*
"Well, it's your fault for feeling like trash."
I honestly feel like I could turn this around if I had someone caring and encouraging in my life. I don't though, so I'm just looking at things for how they are.

Glob posted...

You say you want it, but act in the exact opposite way to achieve it.

I'm emotionally distant, sure. But that shouldn't stop people from trying to get to know me better. I'm generally well liked and respected, it's just no one really cares about me beyond surface level stuff. No one's ever tried to get close to me or anything like that. Not in real life anyway, I've had people reach out on gamefaqs plenty of times, and had a few friendships form that way, but they don't last.

Glob posted...

Even if they were, you wouldnt notice. Youre too busy convincing yourself that its impossible.

With my trauma and anxieties, I'm keenly aware of how behave around me. I'm very good at reading people and recognizing how they feel.

There's only been a few times that I didn't recognize what I was seeing, and those were the times I thought people may have been showing interest and I got shot down pretty harshly.

Zonbei posted...

Yeah no, the issue here is pretty clearly your attitude and the fact you definitely need to go to therapy to deal with your issues with your self-image and your father.

IDK how you guys can say I'm wrong for saying it feels hopeless, and that I have a better chance than I think and to not blame myself... Just to turn around and say I don't have much of a chance and that I'm the problem.

KogaSteelfang posted...

*Is treated like trash. Is talked to like trash. Is looked down upon as trash. Is told he's trash.*
"Well, it's your fault for feeling like trash."
I honestly feel like I could turn this around if I had someone caring and encouraging in my life. I don't though, so I'm just looking at things for how they are.

I'm emotionally distant, sure. But that shouldn't stop people from trying to get to know me better. I'm generally well liked and respected, it's just no one really cares about me beyond surface level stuff. No one's ever tried to get close to me or anything like that. Not in real life anyway, I've had people reach out on gamefaqs plenty of times, and had a few friendships form that way, but they don't last.

With my trauma and anxieties, I'm keenly aware of how behave around me. I'm very good at reading people and recognizing how they feel.

There's only been a few times that I didn't recognize what I was seeing, and those were the times I thought people may have been showing interest and I got shot down pretty harshly.

IDK how you guys can say I'm wrong for saying it feels hopeless, and that I have a better chance than I think and to not blame myself... Just to turn around and say I don't have much of a chance and that I'm the problem.

I didnt say you dont have much of a chance. I said you need to get some therapy. You have a chance as long as you actually do the work, instead of being hopeless. Which is what I keep telling you. I didnt say dont blame yourself. I said blame yourself in a constructive way. Acting like its some unstoppable quality of reality is not helpful.

You are the problem. You can do better, and then you wont be the problem. Seriously; see a therapist. Everyone should see a therapist. You want someone caring and encouraging to help you turn things around? Thats what a therapist is for. Relationships are not therapy. Women are not your therapists.

Being emotionally distant is the problem. That actually does mean people wont want to get to know you, and thats reasonable. Your trauma and anxieties need to be worked through. With a therapist.

You absolutely have a chance, as long as you stop moping around about how you have no chance and doing nothing to change.

Zonbei posted...

Relationships are not therapy. Women are not your therapists.

I don't want a relationship to use as therapy. I want to be happy, and I feel that if I can find some form of success that my line of thinking would naturally shift to match the situation.

Zonbei posted...

Being emotionally distant is the problem. That actually does mean people wont want to get to know you, and thats reasonable.

And they can measure how distant I am, and judge me as unworthy how? By never taking the time to talk with me? By ignoring my existence until they need something?

I'm fully aware that me being so closed off could be a big problem in a situation where someone did want to be close. I mean, they'd just have to give me some time, but I do see where someone might mind. But I don't see how it matters much when there's no one.

KogaSteelfang posted...

I don't want a relationship to use as therapy. I want to be happy, and I feel that if I can find some form of success that my line of thinking would naturally shift to match the situation.

And they can measure how distant I am, and judge me as unworthy how? By never taking the time to talk with me? By ignoring my existence until they need something?

I'm fully aware that me being so closed off could be a big problem in a situation where someone did want to be close. I mean, they'd just have to give me some time, but I do see where someone might mind. But I don't see how it matters much when there's no one.

Yes, people can pretty easily measure your attitude and emotional immaturity. Theres not no one. See a therapist. Thats literally the first step.

A success isnt going to magically change your thinking.

I've parted with all of my exes on basically good terms, but I haven't kept up with most of them and don't know what they're doing now. Except for an ex from 3-4 years ago who isn't an ex anymore, since we got back together in January.

Zonbei posted...

Yes, people can pretty easily measure your attitude

How can they if they never interact with me? Then when they do I'm friendly, helpful, and kind? Everyone I interact with regularly likes me(except dad, but that's a whole other thing).

I get told by guests at work that they enjoy talking with me, and that I'm very welcoming and approachable. All my coworkers like me, and I've been told by management several times that I'm the go to person they want to deal with people due to my friendliness. The thing is, despite all that none of them have ever taken the time to get to know me. When I try to talk, I get cut off and and interrupted. No one cares about me, or who I am. I'm just a tool to be used.

I really doubt that every person perception is so sharp that they can see through all of that directly to my internalized damage at a glance without ever interacting with me. I'm sure some probably are, bug I work with the public. I can see how unintuitive most people are.

I can see how they might figure it if they did try to get to know me, and how they might be put off by that, but they don't.

I have no hard feelings towards any of them but only keep in touch with maybe the two most recent.

KogaSteelfang posted...

How can they if they never interact with me? Then when they do I'm friendly, helpful, and kind? Everyone I interact with regularly likes me(except dad, but that's a whole other thing).

I get told by guests at work that they enjoy talking with me, and that I'm very welcoming and approachable. All my coworkers like me, and I've been told by management several times that I'm the go to person they want to deal with people due to my friendliness. The thing is, despite all that none of them have ever taken the time to get to know me. When I try to talk, I get cut off and and interrupted. No one cares about me, or who I am. I'm just a tool to be used.

I really doubt that every person perception is so sharp that they can see through all of that directly to my internalized damage at a glance without ever interacting with me. I'm sure some probably are, bug I work with the public. I can see how unintuitive most people are.

I can see how they might figure it if they did try to get to know me, and how they might be put off by that, but they don't.

Your problem is that youre at work. Guests and coworkers arent going to try to get to know you. Its a job.

beyond that, you have to try as well. If everyone you interact with likes you, then theres clearly some other issue, and it may be that youre only interacting on a surface level and expecting them to intuit you want friendship. I cant say for certain, I dont know the details of whats going on. But I can tell you that its not whatever youre claiming it is, where the world just hates you for no reason. There is something you need to and CAN do differently.

the best way to figure out what that is? Find a good therapist. Not gamefaqs posters.

KogaSteelfang posted...

How can they if they never interact with me? Then when they do I'm friendly, helpful, and kind? Everyone I interact with regularly likes me(except dad, but that's a whole other thing).

I get told by guests at work that they enjoy talking with me, and that I'm very welcoming and approachable. All my coworkers like me, and I've been told by management several times that I'm the go to person they want to deal with people due to my friendliness. The thing is, despite all that none of them have ever taken the time to get to know me. When I try to talk, I get cut off and and interrupted. No one cares about me, or who I am. I'm just a tool to be used.

I really doubt that every person perception is so sharp that they can see through all of that directly to my internalized damage at a glance without ever interacting with me. I'm sure some probably are, bug I work with the public. I can see how unintuitive most people are.

I can see how they might figure it if they did try to get to know me, and how they might be put off by that, but they don't.

I've been in your shoes (believe me, it is/was a huge insecurity of mine), and I know for certain you can find someone, you just gotta look. How? I have no idea; I have no social skills and just got lucky on dating sites.

But also keep in mind that relationships are quite difficult, and chances are they're not going to be the happy fairy tale romance shit people display out in public and on TV.

Zonbei posted...

Your problem is that youre at work. Guests and coworkers arent going to try to get to know you. Its a job.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/boards/400-current-events/80729448

Just looking at the poll should be proof enough, but you can read the comments too.

Besides, I'm not looking for anything at work. I'm just trying to show that I don't think others can see how damaged I am as easily as you think. There's no real reason that I should be such a failure.

Here I am, genuinely caring about the people around me, and seeing that I just don't matter to anyone. Why should I put in even more effort just to be shunned still?

Zonbei posted...

But I can tell you that its not whatever youre claiming it is

I don't know what it is. There's literally just an utter and entire lack of interest in me. That's it. I'm hurt that it is that way, and then I get blamed for feeling that way.

nah i'm not and the only ex i'm good with now is to show her what she missed out on when i move to thailand and leave her and her baby here.

my last ex she gave me an ultimatum and i dumped her and she immediately married someone else which showed me she was seeing this fool behind my back so no def not friends.

and the others that cheated well i'm a sigma and u know how we take betrayal lol.

Super_Slash posted...

I've been in your shoes (believe me, it is/was a huge insecurity of mine), and I know for certain you can find someone, you just gotta look. How? I have no idea; I have no social skills and just got lucky on dating sites.

I'm happy you found someone. I hate that you had that insecurity, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one.

Super_Slash posted...

But also keep in mind that relationships are quite difficult, and chances are they're not going to be the happy fairy tale romance shit people display out in public and on TV.

Trust me, I know.
It may not even be worth it, but I want to experience it at least once, so I'll know.

Only 2 exs Im actively cool with, Id consider them the second and third (maybe fourth) most recent girls Ive actually loved.

Another is fairly recent. So who knows if well be cool but shes the last one I loved.

its 2 exs I go back and forth between us being cool and hooking up and hating each other and both currently hate me, probably for the last time.

one I hate and shes married with like 4 kids now

KogaSteelfang posted...

I'm happy you found someone. I hate that you had that insecurity, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one.

Trust me, I know.
It may not even be worth it, but I want to experience it at least once, so I'll know.

That is fair. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to talk about it or need some advice or anything.

KogaSteelfang posted...

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/boards/400-current-events/80729448

Just looking at the poll should be proof enough, but you can read the comments too.

Besides, I'm not looking for anything at work. I'm just trying to show that I don't think others can see how damaged I am as easily as you think. There's no real reason that I should be such a failure.

Here I am, genuinely caring about the people around me, and seeing that I just don't matter to anyone. Why should I put in even more effort just to be shunned still?

I don't know what it is. There's literally just an utter and entire lack of interest in me. That's it. I'm hurt that it is that way, and then I get blamed for feeling that way.

Youre getting blamed for feeling that way because its incorrect. Theres no such thing. Youre making it up in your head to explain away something that has other causes. And youre being told explicitly what to do about it, right now, by me, and youve basically completely ignored it. See a therapist.

I'm on decent terms with the girl I first dated. W don't talk much if ever, but there is no animosity.

My ex wife and I get along, hell when we divorced we went into court agreeing on everything, with a coherent plan for our son. Joint custody, she has primary physical because I have no one to keep an eye on him when I'm at work. And now on my weekends her daughter (Son's younger sister, who was born over a year after we split to who my ex was with then.) almost always comes over with my son, and I treat her no different than if she was married biological daughter.

Zonbei posted...

Youre getting blamed for feeling that way because its incorrect. Theres no such thing. Youre making it up in your head to explain away something that has other causes.

What's incorrect? Feeling bad for being alone my whole life? No such thing as what? I haven't blamed anything specific, just said that I'm upset that it's happened and that I don't understand.

Zonbei posted...

And youre being told explicitly what to do about it, right now, by me, and youve basically completely ignored it. See a therapist.

I'm not arguing against that part because you're right. The only thing is I've tried it before and it didn't go well. So now I'm hesitant to try again. That's all.

KogaSteelfang posted...

What's incorrect? Feeling bad for being alone my whole life? No such thing as what? I haven't blamed anything specific, just said that I'm upset that it's happened and that I don't understand.

You're not being blamed for feeling bad. Just for the attitude of its just a fact of life, theres nothing I can do about it, its because people just dont like me and theres no way to explain it.

I'm not arguing against that part because you're right. The only thing is I've tried it before and it didn't go well. So now I'm hesitant to try again. That's all.

Well, unfortunately therapy is work, and that includes finding a decent one. Its the only real way thats going to help, unless you can improve yourself on your own, and most people cant.