Current Events > As someone technically LGBT+, I still feel like I don't exactly belong.

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's hard to put my exact feeling into words. I feel like an "imposter" (was going to put the phrase "imposter syndrome" in my topic title, but looked it up and realized that phrase doesn't mean what I thought it did).

I'm bi/pan sexual. Been that way for a long time. I'm still in the closet in real life. I'm also non-binary, I guess. Still not sure what I'd call myself. I have my "male" side and my "female" side, so to speak. I've always outwardly presented as male, but in private it's different and I dress up and do that sort of thing. I feel a lot more comfortable and feel "right". Not nearly as much as I'd like since I don't live alone. If I did, I'd probably dress how I like all the time. I'm not sure if I'd call myself "trans", but I have deep thoughts about how if I didn't live in such a right wing state, would I go further?

When talking about LGBT+ things, I sometimes I feel like it's not my place to talk about them at all. I know deep down I shouldn't be having feelings like that, but regardless I have that part of me that feels that way and I don't know why.

Again, it's hard to put my feelings and identity into words and I'm basically venting because I've been thinking about this all day at work so forgive me if I'm rambling and not making sense. I don't have nobody else to talk to about it as well. Anyone else in the community have feelings like this?

i feel pretty similarly

Maybe sometimes labels are not necessary?

i wish i had something meaningful to say. i feel the same, so i hope a little solidarity helps :(

Expected bi based on topic title

Straight people see you as queer, queer people see you as capable of straight passing. Often feels like what is the point of coming out will it even bring any benefit

I'm conflicted, I'm sad others have similar feelings, but I'm also relieved I'm not alone in my thinking.

'As a bi' I often feel this if I'm not dating my own gender.

Can often feel very 'straight' as well at times and not sure I can do much to change that.

Asexuals are very rarely even a part of the conversation. It's like we're the black sheep of the Alphabet community.

Yep, I'm in that boat, but for me it's because I'm asexual. Many LGBTQ+ experiences, events, etc. seem largely sexually charged in nature, and it's just not a "scene" that I can relate to.

Kajagogo posted...

Asexuals are very rarely even a part of the conversation. It's like we're the black sheep of the Alphabet community.

Yep. I've been openly ace for about ten years now and still get people asking when I'm going to start dating or assuming that I'm gay when I don't show interest in women, or vice versa.

Hell, every year when I make an Ace Pride Topic in June, people on this very board decide to come in and say asexuals are just "in denial". One absolute trophy of a person even said I was just "trying to justify being an incel".

When talking about LGBT+ things, I sometimes I feel like it's not my place to talk about them at all.

You're a closeted dude who's confused about their own gender expression. You absolutely have a meaningful, personal, and relevant experience that has commonality with tons of other LGBT+ people. If you don't wanna share it because you feel it's not your place, that's bullshit. If you don't wanna share it because you're worried about outing yourself, that's frustratingly normal. Pick your battles :p.

If the legbutt things you're referring are things like gossiping about gay culture, like the latest episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race, know that culture is not some monolithic thing. I don't watch the NFL (any football, really), but that doesn't mean I don't participate in "straight culture", lmao. If you don't like female pop stars or drag, that's... perfectly fine.

If the legbutt things you're referring are things like conversations with idiots who think trans people both aren't real but also are a physical threat to children, it's possible to come across as an "ally" (aka, a straight person with empathy) and positively contribute to the conversation.

At least your sexuality is still accepted, if at least with a couple asterisks. Imagine adding conservative to that title (not Republican).

I have this same problem and it was exacerbated when I identified solely as a lesbian

Technically, non-binary peeps are trans, but I digress as it's not important for this topic, and you don't seem to place much importance on it yourself. You are experiencing classic imposter syndrome and that is okay. It's MUCH more common than you think, especially in the younger queers (not sure if younger or not, but still). I used to feel that way too, for a time.

Of course, I don't know what you can do if you live in a red state other than move. Not suggesting you do that, for the record. But maybe you can try to scope out the local queer community and try for support there. Failing that, you can try to find enby, trans, and bi/pan spaces online, too.

TMOG posted...

Hell, every year when I make an Ace Pride Topic in June, people on this very board decide to come in and say asexuals are just "in denial". One absolute trophy of a person even said I was just "trying to justify being an incel".

Sounds similar to the crap bis/pans get. "Oh you're just totally gay and in denial." Those kind of things get to me a bit. Typical bigots are one thing, but when it comes from within the community, it sucks.

philsov posted...

You're a closeted dude who's confused about their own gender expression. You absolutely have a meaningful, personal, and relevant experience that has commonality with tons of other LGBT+ people. If you don't wanna share it because you feel it's not your place, that's bullshit. If you don't wanna share it because you're worried about outing yourself, that's frustratingly normal. Pick your battles :p.

Thanks for that.

If the legbutt things you're referring are things like gossiping about gay culture, like the latest episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race, know that culture is not some monolithic thing. I don't watch the NFL (any football, really), but that doesn't mean I don't participate in "straight culture", lmao. If you don't like female pop stars or drag, that's... perfectly fine.

Not necessarily those parts of the culture, but just a feeling of belonging in general.

If the legbutt things you're referring are things like conversations with idiots who think trans people both aren't real but also are a physical threat to children, it's possible to come across as an "ally" (aka, a straight person with empathy) and positively contribute to the conversation.

I don't have much issue going after idiotic bigots. It's just conversing within LGBT+ groups in general.

okay all you queer, bi, and whatever else we got in here

i officially declare you all queer enough

carry on.

TMOG posted...

Yep. I've been openly ace for about ten years now and still get people asking when I'm going to start dating or assuming that I'm gay when I don't show interest in women, or vice versa.

Hell, every year when I make an Ace Pride Topic in June, people on this very board decide to come in and say asexuals are just "in denial". One absolute trophy of a person even said I was just "trying to justify being an incel".

WTF

Crimsoness posted...

I have this same problem and it was exacerbated when I identified solely as a lesbian

You still feel this way, even when not identifying as lesbian anymore? Like, were you experiencing imposter syndrome as a lesbian, now you experience it because you're not a lesbian?

Funkydog posted...

'As a bi' I often feel this if I'm not dating my own gender.

Can often feel very 'straight' as well at times and not sure I can do much to change that.

I felt this way, too. Reinforced by gay men constantly invalidating my own sexuality. If it's people doing this to you, then you just cut them out. If it's your own brain? Then I think that maybe a little therapy might be in the cards, if you can afford it?

Robot2600 posted...

okay all you queer, bi, and whatever else we got in here

i officially declare you all queer enough

carry on.

The community has spoken through Robot2600

At the risk of promoting unhealthy thinking, at this point in my life it doesn't bother me (a male who largely prefers women but can be very attracted to the right type of man) to keep my small amount of bisexuality 'bottled up,' for lack of a better term. I'd freely admit to being bi in polite company, and I've done some online roleplays with men, but for now I don't have any aspirations to pursue a relationship with a man because I'm convinced I'd be too selfish / restrictive as a partner in terms of what I'd want versus what I'd be willing to give sexually.

Robot2600 posted...

okay all you queer, bi, and whatever else we got in here

i officially declare you all queer enough

carry on.

yea but like

ok so im like visibly out. if ppl see me theyll probs assume im somewhere under queer

but i do not feel connected with other queer ppl

idk how to meet other queer ppl, so i go to online spaces. and these spaces sometimes seem really homogenized. and i act very "cishet", if u get me

idk. its really hard to explain. its not about look and experience, its about not fitting in

...

idk!!

tc does that track with u at all?

Xenogears15 posted...

Technically, non-binary peeps are trans, but I digress as it's not important for this topic, and you don't seem to place much importance on it yourself. You are experiencing classic imposter syndrome and that is okay. It's MUCH more common than you think, especially in the younger queers (not sure if younger or not, but still). I used to feel that way too, for a time.

I'm 34. Young enough I guess. Had feelings like this for a while.

Of course, I don't know what you can do if you live in a red state other than move. Not suggesting you do that, for the record. But maybe you can try to scope out the local queer community and try for support there. Failing that, you can try to find enby, trans, and bi/pan spaces online, too.

Yeah, online stuff is my only option so far.

KanWan posted...

Ever think about leaving the state?

Not possible at the moment. Maybe someday.

Dungeater posted...

tc does that track with u at all?

Oh yeah.

I don't have any queer friends at the moment, but I've been friends with gay men and lesbians in the past and even though I was closeted, there was something nice about hanging out with others like that.

And to everybody: knowing that others have similar feelings makes me feel a bit better although I'm sad others feel that way too.

I dunno. Maybe just stop thinking about whether you're in a group or not

Xenogears15 posted...

I felt this way, too. Reinforced by gay men constantly invalidating my own sexuality. If it's people doing this to you, then you just cut them out. If it's your own brain? Then I think that maybe a little therapy might be in the cards, if you can afford it?

It's mostly me these days. I dont really dress stereotypically lesbian and am often assumed to be straight by most even though I lean more towards dating my own gender rather than men.

I just feel weird making a point of it, but my current friends do fully support my bi ness.

Dungeater posted...

yea but like

Kinda how I feel. Most of my friends are straight, and even while all very LGBTQ+ positive it just sometimes makes me feel... eh? I don't know how to explain it tbh.

Fret not pal, what you feel is super universal.
To me identity is a lot like faith; too complex and ever changing to completely define and yet we feel it so clearly. Let yourself examine your personal definition and want for identity and then look upon others, hell just the ones in this thread for example, and you'll see this uncertainty is kinda inherent to identity. So yeah you may never be 100% sure what you are, and yes your upbringing will have lifelong effects on it, but that's identity. Don't run from it just roll with it.

I'm a pan femboy, but my temperament is very "straight" and I'm otherwise unremarkable. All of my queer friends have very colorful personalities and deal with some kind of mental illness, so I do feel a bit of a disconnect from them. At the end of the day, though, the umbrella should include anyone and everyone who fits the description.

you're all in your 30s no one has friends anymore by 40 cause it's hard to get in and out of a car

there aren't awesome queer spaces, that's the truth. online or in real life. but look how many queer ppl are here on gamefaqs. this type of place is inherently better anyway. go to the card shops, video game stores, or just w/e your into and look for queer people there.

i dont mean to be a bummer but that's just been my experience.

just be urselves! you don't owe anyone anything. you especially don't owe the "lgbtq+ community" jackshit.

and i know what you guys are talking about when everyone is straight in the room except you, but, to say the obvious, some of the coolest ppl are also (at least mostly) straight and identify as such. ill say this: straight ppl shouldnt make u feel weird to be around--trust your gut with people.

and as far as fashion, look to lesbians. those basketball shorts and polo shirts can be cool too. you make the clothes queer. or pretty dresses. or jeans. speaking to the men and femboys here: women like jeans too. they also sell women's jeans. adidas tracksuits are stylish no matter what. black, red, green. you can't go wrong (unless you got navy).

also, like, the world is ending so i don't really have the energy to paint my nails or shave my legs and i dont expect anyone else to either but power to you if you can

Imposter syndrome has definitely been something I've struggled with, both when I was realizing I was nonbinary and after I came out. Being able to easily pass as cis and/or het is probably the common issue. My dysphoria being almost entirely social plays a big role in that, although mentally at some times it feels like if I got something wrong it was not identifying as a transwoman. But I think that's just because being AMAB means all of my gender related trauma came from having male gender roles forced on me.

I'm leaning towards men tbh but I also feel like a fake but there's also the part of me that thinks I'm forcing love there's been one guy I know for a fact i really liked irl but pornstars do nothing for me and I find it hard to get feelings for anyone besides familial kinship. I see some people at college I go to and I just don't think anything

My experience is that individual groups inside the LGBTQ umbrella can be extremely cliquey and insular, especially in rural areas or red states. This makes sense and I get why, but it's also a constant source of drama and conflict; with poor behavior being handwaved in the name of solidarity. Being bi/pan or ace feel like traits that often make it hard to fit into different groups under that umbrella and adopt a lot of the norms of some groups, despite feeling like you should be able to gel anywhere.

A high level of conformity within the specific subgroups is often expected. I've had the best luck with general queer identity spaces, but they still tend to split into smaller insular groups. Think of it as a general discord with everyone in their own private side-chats and factions. They often become very toxic and unwelcoming in general. A recent example I can think of was a gay group I was invited to that was hella misogynist and basically "fuck you got mine" chuds who really didn't give a shit about anyone outside of the gay (male) community.

bi/pan and ace sometimes feel like difficulty modifiers for fitting in to a lot of LGBT spaces and you have to be really aware of who you're hanging out with before attempting to try and fit in; because just like most places in life, LGBTQ+ spaces are just as full of shitty people as anywhere else.

Good people are out there. Hopefully you find them.

JuanCarlos1 posted...

Maybe sometimes labels are not necessary?

I tried my best to understand what the labels are, but they're a little overcomplicated and overlap a lot that I just kind of gave up. It kind of read like a D&D rule book and I felt the pressure of the whole "rules lawyering" going on with regards to the fear of getting it wrong and offending someone.

While wanting to be accepted by others is part of it, my main issue is feeling "wrong" when discussing anything LGBT+ period and feeling like an imposter or something. Or is that the same thing?

You can only really speak to your own experiences, and those are valid. A big problem in a lot of spaces is people doubling down on manufactured identities and no-true-scottsman bullshit when so many LGBTQ identities are very different and fluid.

Southernfatman posted...

When talking about LGBT+ things, I sometimes I feel like it's not my place to talk about them at all. I know deep down I shouldn't be having feelings like that, but regardless I have that part of me that feels that way and I don't know why.

I think anyone that isn't straight has an authentic "place" discussing LBGT+ issues. It's not as if there is some finite set of non-straight orientation categories into which people must fit to be authentic.

it sounds like your 4/5 of an lgbtq sandwich i don't think you have to worry about being gay enough <3

XxX_6GAMING9GOKU_XxX posted...

My experience is that individual groups inside the LGBTQ umbrella can be extremely cliquey and insular, especially in rural areas or red states. This makes sense and I get why, but it's also a constant source of drama and conflict; with poor behavior being handwaved in the name of solidarity. Being bi/pan or ace feel like traits that often make it hard to fit into different groups under that umbrella and adopt a lot of the norms of some groups, despite feeling like you should be able to gel anywhere.

A high level of conformity within the specific subgroups is often expected. I've had the best luck with general queer identity spaces, but they still tend to split into smaller insular groups. Think of it as a general discord with everyone in their own private side-chats and factions. They often become very toxic and unwelcoming in general. A recent example I can think of was a gay group I was invited to that was hella misogynist and basically "fuck you got mine" chuds who really didn't give a shit about anyone outside of the gay (male) community.

bi/pan and ace sometimes feel like difficulty modifiers for fitting in to a lot of LGBT spaces and you have to be really aware of who you're hanging out with before attempting to try and fit in; because just like most places in life, LGBTQ+ spaces are just as full of shitty people as anywhere else.

Good people are out there. Hopefully you find them.

Best post in the topic. Well done. And thank you, you even made me feel better, and I wasn't having any real queer-related issues today!

Robot2600 posted...

and i know what you guys are talking about when everyone is straight in the room except you, but, to say the obvious, some of the coolest ppl are also (at least mostly) straight and identify as such. ill say this: straight ppl shouldnt make u feel weird to be around--trust your gut with people.

I also want to highlight this quote. While some of this could just be in our own heads (as you're hanging out with people who "aren't your tribe")...I was once told by a queer woman, "If he makes you feel uncomfortable, follow your gut.", and it's saved me a lot of times with both gay dudes and straight people in general. This is generally good advice. In general, straight folk should make you feel comfortable, not strange.

EPR-radar posted...

I think anyone that isn't straight has an authentic "place" discussing LBGT+ issues. It's not as if there is some finite set of non-straight orientation categories into which people must fit to be authentic.

And if nothing else, I think being involved helps to give LGBTQ+ individuals or those figuring their identity some more confidence/hope.

Just stop thinking about whether you're in a group or not

I have the same thing.

Like, I'm a bi dude who hasn't done much guy-on-guy or been in a relationship with one, so I'm straight-passing as fuck.

DarkDoc posted...

I dunno. Maybe just stop thinking about whether you're in a group or not

DarkDoc posted...

Just stop thinking about whether you're in a group or not

Having to try twice is pretty pathetic, so here's a little bit of attention to ease the pain.

I'm in a similar boat. Last year I realized that I'm non-binary if not flat out a trans woman, but at the end of the day I don't care enough to upend my life by telling anyone about it so I'm just going on like usual.

Just be yourself TC :)

same but mostly because its hard to relate to anyone about topics like sexual orientation or gender identity because i neither understand my own nor care enough to figure them out, and couldnt really explain them if i tried

If nothing else, fear of being assumed gay or assuming someone else is gay for example is the reason why gender roles and such have existed. You know like a woman enjoying sports or guys enjoying MLP and/or Barbie.

It's not the (best) reason to be accepting, but such concerns would likely never exist if society was Pro-LGBT from the start.

I dont know how to better word it so I deleted my old post

I want to say something like... don't think of it as a place you belong, think of it as an easier way of finding people of a similar mindset as yours

Being forced into specific categories isn't how things should be