Board 8 > Gauntlet Crew Ranks Martial Arts Movies - "Don't think! Feeeel!"

(+) Yeah! (+)

I always though Big Trouble was a movie everyone at least liked a little.
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Snake5555555555 posted...

I always though Big Trouble was a movie everyone at least liked a little.

"a little" being the key there
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I knew Big Trouble was in...big trouble...when other goofy movies like Bloodsport and Kung Pow went out early. People without proper senses of humor negatively impact movies a lot in these rankings.
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That's another one I'd call a bit of a stretch to actually call a Martial Arts Movie.

Awesome silly movie though. Too low imo.
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I'm all for having a sense of humor

but Bloodsport and Kung Pow are not particularly funny

Big Trouble is a little better than those (and I went into it really expecting to be a fan) but it's just not crazy impressive

except James Hong, he was great
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To be clear I don't think Bloodsport Kung Pao and Big Trouble are all that similar either.

Kung Pao sucking probably is part of it
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I don't see hardly any similarities between them either.
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26. Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky - 162 points

Snake - 6
Johnbobb - 13
scarlet - 22
Inviso - 25
JONA - 27
Karo - 29
Wickle - 40

Snake - This film is pretty sick and gruesome, and really stands out on this list! The violence is also very unrealistic which just makes it more fun! Campy and some of the worst dubbing ever, but I cant help but love this one. Sometimes an invincible protagonists can be boring, but here it just works for how over-the-top this one is. I was laughing when Ricky was blinded by glass and just proceded to wash his eyes out and be recovered. Then theres the ridiculous warden transformation scene. And the amount of blood at the end of that fight. Geez! If youre gonna go extreme, its best to do it like this.

Johnbobb - Oh boy I love One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Whatever I was expecting, this wasnt it. Its probably an objectively bad movie, but in all the best ways. The movie didnt quite hit Stephen Chow levels of over-the-top, but it came damn close. The effects are terrible, the dub is terrible (and really, the dubs the one you NEED to watch here), and its all the funnier for it. Its weird ranking this among the rest of the list, because while its impossible to take seriously, its also impossible to be bored. Ricky himself is part of what makes it so bizarre; hes simultaneously one of the most stoic AND most over-emotional characters Ive seen in, well, anything.

scarlet - In the far-off year of 2001, we are privileged to get an extremely accurate glimpse of what the world may be like. Of course, we will have to wait until 2001 finally comes around to learn just how accurate this cinematic masterpiece truly is.

Inviso - I have mixed emotions on this one. First off, its fucking bizarre to see a kung-fu movie utilizing the same level of practical effects one might find in a standard 80s horror movie. Second, this movie is one where the pacing just feelsso OFF that it hurts my enjoyment. Like, I LIKE this concept. I LIKE the idea of super badass JONA getting sent to prison with five bullets embedded in his chest. I LIKE him going in on like, the first day to kick the shit out of some random douchebag thug. The problem is that the movie places events in the movies timeline in such a way that it makes the film feel choppy. Like, they introduce tattoo JONA as the big bad for the cell block. And then after JONA defeats him, were introduced to the other three big bads. That makes sense. But this happens REALLY early and the other three big bad fights are spread out through the rest of the film, rather than just dealing with them and getting it out of the way. Furthermore, theres a whole opium subplot. JONA burns the opium down like, halfway through the film (when in most movies, it would be close to the end, right before the final battle.) Because of this, the second half of the movie is just JONA getting the shit kicked out of him before he finally overtakes the wardenbut by that point, its just such a weird storyline that I consider it off-putting enough to rank this low.

JONA - The dub for this movie is hilariously bad. The violence and gore are just incredibly over-the-top but it's just really entertaining, not good, but definitely entertaining. Also, Rogan is definitely the manliest man ever and is totally not played by a woman.
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Karo - In the dark dystopian future of the year 2001, a superhuman martial artist gets sent a bizarre prison run by a cross between captain hook and kim jong-il who stores breath mints in his eyeball, and his equally ridiculous quartet of subordinates. Ricky fights and kills everyone in his way and the warden transforms himself into a power rangers monster and fucking hell why is this so dumb. In many ways the characters feel like they belong in an anime, and perhaps the story would have worked better in that medium.

Wickle - Dear god this movie was absolutely disgusting. Like fuck, Fargo had the stupid humans being tossed into a tree cutter and this managed to out disgust me with a giant being put through a meat grinder, constantly going right through flesh to show off internal organs including the fake scene of the guy trying to strangle Ricky with his intestine like fuck what necessity is there in this unrealistic crap? Its just disgusting. It originally had potential in the story to at least make up for all of that but all the backstory amounted to was the girl who had no clear connection to Ricky died after getting caught by drug dealers and jumped off a building to her death, which resulted in Ricky killing a gang leader that might have had something to do with that death BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW!? Stupid.
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Im okay with this placement.
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Outlier Rankings

JONA - 134
Inviso - 128
Snake - 117
Karo - 111
scarlet - 104
Wickle - 89
Johnbobb - 62

Snake manages to take 3rd with another top 10 of his being taken down.

Hint for 25.

Has more than 1 protagonist.
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Crippled Avengers is my guess
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This is possibly Crouching Tiger, as I guess that again. Could also be Crippled Avengers like Johnbobb was guessing. Those are the two I expect.
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Kinda getting ravaged here, though I expected Riki-Oh to place low anyway.
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CTRL+F "bathroom" - not found

How did no one comment on Bruce Lee's need to go to the bathroom at least three times in the first thirty minutes of Way of the Dragon?

Also, Crouching for top ten. You are crazy, sir.
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Really surprised people are guessing Crouching Dragon already. Sticking with Crippled Avengers as my guess
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This was probably the first movie I feel dropped significantly too low

I liked it so much I made a Merc based on it!

http://mercsfilmandtv.pbworks.com/w/page/120101964/Ricky%20Ho
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Johnbobb posted...

This was probably the first movie I feel dropped significantly too low

I liked it so much I made a Merc based on it!

http://mercsfilmandtv.pbworks.com/w/page/120101964/Ricky%20Ho

I'd buy that merc.
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25. Crippled Avengers - 160 points

Wickle - 14
scarlet - 17
JONA - 20
Inviso - 23
Snake - 23
Karo - 30
Johnbobb - 33

Wickle - Ha, one of the guys from FDV showed up here. I enjoyed a bit of the story and obviously the characters were developed well, even if they werent the most innovating people. Also choreography ended up ruining a bit of the film because fights started to look so planned out that it was more like playing rather than actual fights. For a minute thought the guy who lost his legs was actually gonna do nothing in the final parts of the movie.

scarlet - Blind Thor, deaf Iron Man, and armless Captain America are awesome. Some amazing fighting, and the gimmicks that the crippled fighters use to overcome their handicaps are pretty clever.

JONA - The good guys are easy to root for, the bad guys are easy to boo and the fights are awesome. The limitation of what our heroes can use leads to some really creative fights. However, it does take a while to get there with there being a lot of training in the movie. The training can be pretty fun at times though and it's definitely worth it to see the fights at the end of the movie.

Inviso - The first fourth of this movie is what holds it down for me. I mean, I know that the movie is called Cripple Avengers, but theyre still pushing the cripple angle SUPER hard to the point of absurdity. JONAs son gets his arms chopped off, then they both become evil and go around crippling four different guys in different ways. Seriously, they blind a guy, mute/deafen a second guy, amputate a third guys limbs, and then somehow give a fourth guy brain damage. Why not just inflict the same punishment across the board? After that though, the movie gets good. The ragtag group of crippled JONAs train in kung fu and learn to overcome their disabilities, ultimately using them to fight the man who crippled them in the first place. Theres some fascinating strategy involved on both side of the alignment chart, but also really fast-paced and solid fight choreography. I wish the ending had more time to settle, but what can you do.

Snake - The fight scenes are very well done and I liked the characters with addition of disabilities. However, its a bit disposable all around.

Karo - A lord who is self conscious about his son's arms being cut off goes around randomly maiming people, and a bunch of his victims band together and learn kung fu so they can kick his ass. The blind and deaf avengers are actually somewhat believable as martial artists, however we have a guy with TWO primitive prosthetic legs doing all this complex jumping and kicking and that is fucking ridiculous. Lets also not forget the brain damaged guy who apparently got every part of his mind ruined except the 'knowing kung fu' part. Sigh.

Johnbobb - Man, this movie doesnt hold up over time. Its probably the first time Ive laughed at a child being mutilated, and even writing that sentence feels uncomfortable. The poorly aged effects lead to a lot of unintentional comedy, though there are still things to legitimately like here. The way it starts is kind of cool, presenting Chu Twin and his kid as sympathetic victims, only for them to immediately turn around and become the asshole villains. The protagonists are easy to root for and I like seeing them all come together to fulfill certain roles. That being said, while this concept is interesting, its just that: a concept. A concept that is stretched way too thin in order to fill the nearly 2 hour runtime, when its story ultimately couldve been told in about 20 minutes.
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Outlier Rankings

JONA - 139
Inviso - 130
Snake - 119
Karo - 116
scarlet - 112
Wickle - 100
Johnbobb - 70

No placement changes. Johnbobb remains the last one to not hit 100.

Hint for 24.

Has more than 1 sequel.
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I think... Police Story had a good number of movies?
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I'm gonna guess Crouching Tiger, since it's been mentioned several times now, and has a sequel.
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Inviso posted...

I'm gonna guess Crouching Tiger, since it's been mentioned several times now, and has a sequel.

Crouching Tiger only has 1 sequel.
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Well Crippled Avengers would have worked for this hint since Crippled Avengers: Age of Mutetron and Crippled Avengers: Deficiency Ward exist. Also Captain America: Kung Fu War if you want to count it as a backdoor sequel.
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Possibly Rush Hour next
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Bold predix: The Karate Kid
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24. Once Upon a Time in China - 155 points

scarlet - 7
JONA - 11
Karo - 16
Snake - 24
Johnbobb - 25
Wickle - 35
Inviso - 37

scarlet - Jet Li is pitch perfect as a truly interesting tale cribbed straight from the history books.

JONA - This movie starts off slow but definitely gets better as it goes on. The characters are quite likable and there's really great action, especially the ladder match between Jet Li's character and Yim. The story is quite intriguing with all the different parties involved with there being a clash of Eastern and Western values.

Karo - This takes place sometime in 19th century china when all these foreigners were coming there and being mean to the natives. Some of said foreigners end up in conflict with a ninja doctor and of course this leads to a lot of ass being kicked. The historical aspects are interesting, but other than that it is not very remarkable.

Snake - Shot with a sensible balance of action and drama, Once Upon a Time in China is a serviceable and even above-average martial arts film, but I didnt really see much that really stood to me.

Johnbobb - Im really starting to dig Jet Li. There are some really great scenes at work. The entire opera assassination fight scene was impressive, and well choreographed. Even more impressive was the burning down of Po-Chi-Lam. There was something so surreal about Aunt 13s bizarre obsession with photographing the scene that really stuck with me. On top of that are interesting points about the gradual loss of culture that unfortunately get bogged down by what is mostly a revenge tale by the end. The film does good, but also drags quite a bit, especially compared to Lis later film Fearless.

Wickle - Dull movie, dull characters, and a story that adds way too many villains for its own good, dragging itself on longer than Amazing Spiderman 2.

Inviso - This movie seems completely unable to decide on a tone, and that dramatically hurts it. For starters, its one of the longest movies Ive watched up to this point in the list. And thats fine. I dont necessarily mind the lengthier movies. The problem is that tone issue. This film isnt sure whether its trying to be dramatic, or comedic, and it does BOTH aspects poorly. The basic plot seems to be about life in China and how the Chinese have to adapt to foreign encroachment. Theres also a gang of generic thugs because of course there are. You have like, two stories going on. One with Jet Li being a super-serious kung fu master, and one with JONA as this dipshit kabuki actor or something. JONA is supposed to provide comic relief, but the laughs are so minor and so poorly-paced in an already slow plot, that the film isnt even remotely funny. And meanwhile, the fact that theyre TRYING for comedy cheapened the dramatic angle to the point where I cant take anything seriously. Its just long, drawn out, takes far too long to get to any meaningful fight scenes, and because it doesnt take itself seriously, its impossible to invest in the characters. Its not great.
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Hmm. Definitely can't complain about that elimination.
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Outlier Rankings

JONA - 152
Inviso - 143
scarlet - 129
Karo - 124
Snake - 119
Wickle - 111
Johnbobb - 71

scarlet moves up to 3rd.

Hint for 23.

Features scenes of the protagonist training.
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So... basically every movie on this list, except like... Okay, a few, but it's probably like 30/70.
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How the hell are you SO good at this, Johnbobb?!
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Inviso posted...

How the hell are you SO good at this, Johnbobb?!

Man idk I think I found my calling
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up
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Bleh.
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chamber of shaolin
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PrinceKaro posted...

chamber of shaolin

I'll go with this. Not sure what's still in, honestly. >_>
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I'm gonna take an "out there" guess and say The Five Deadly Venoms, with the "training" scene referring to the opening where it was showing the five styles
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23. The 36th Chamber of Shaolin - 151 points

scarlet - 11
Snake - 13
JONA - 17
Wickle - 24
Johnbobb - 26
Karo - 28
Inviso - 32

scarlet - Most of the Kung fu movies are fast burners, 36th is not, that's it's difference. San Ta (Clause?) loses the cocky attitude, takes his limitations with dignity as he goes on with the training. Throughout that sequence the observational moments are not only intense, but also happen to be quality cinema. Somewhere in between a feeling of Buddhism is developed nicely.

Snake - The political theming of this film makes this stand out greatly, with the violence and fighting portraying some powerful messages in the fight against corruption and evil. With incredible training sequences and great characters, 36th Chamber is a martial arts film worth watching in many aspects for its unique take on plaguing issues.

JONA - This movie isn't exactly action-packed with a ton of fight scenes but it's still really intriguing none-the-less with San Te taking on all the trials. There is a good variety on the different kinds of training he has and San Te's determination is just great to watch.

Wickle - It started off okay, kind of refused to introduce the characters we were meeting but they died anyway so it is not that bad, were then brought to the Shaolin temple and all the training, we see old Saint Nick train for 5 years and eventually have to beat one guy with a weapon he now creates in the three-section staff. The ending of the movie kind of contradicts itself though and doesnt really explain what just happened. He uses the staff to beat the general and ultimately kill the General So now Hes killed, why is he allowed to return to the Shaolin temple let alone open up his 36th Chamber? It doesnt really explain the loopholes hes creating as just prior to that they made sure he didnt stain his own hands.

Johnbobb - That damn gong scene had me about ready to bang my head against a wall, holy shit. Its kind of cool seeing this AFTER seeing Fearless, as this shows the origins of the 3-section staff shown in the last fight of Fearless. Really cool weapon, honestly. While the movie itself didnt thrill me in particular, I have a lot of respect for it, largely because, more than with most of the films on the list, its easy to see the influence it had on the later martial arts films.

Karo - A young rebel in exile becomes a shaolin monk and goes through various silly rooms of training, most of which he masters in short order because he's the main character and has to be better than everyone at everything. After becoming a kung fu demigod, he honors Buddha's peaceful teachings by using his newfound skills to self-righteously murder a military leader who he deems 'evil'. He then sets up his own shaolin school for the common people against the explicit wishes of his masters, whose word apparently means nothing as he faces no consequences whatsoever.
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Inviso - The ONLY reason this movie ranks as high as it does is because I find the general concept behind the various training chambers to be interesting. The movie as a whole? Not so much. Im not a huge fan of the training segments in these movies, because theyre very repetitive and often times do nothing to advance the plot other than show us progression from dumb slob to martial arts master. And the thing about this movie is that its like80-85% training montage. Theres an opening sequence where they establish evil JONA as the head of this oppressive force, and theres a sequence at the end where monk JONA comes back to avenge his fathers death (another thing about the training montages that bothers me is the passage of timetheres a seven-year gap between the opening and the ending, which really lowers the stakes for me.) And you know what makes it worse? Instead of having monk JONA go from a scrawny loser to a passable martial artist, they have him struggle for like, ONE SCENE, and from that point on, hes far and away the best trainee the Shaolin Temple has ever seen. Its just bad storytelling, and lacks the cool fights to give me something to enjoy during the films long runtime.
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Outlier Rankings

JONA - 158
Inviso - 152
scarlet - 141
Karo - 129
Snake - 129
Wickle - 112
Johnbobb - 74

Karo and Snake tie it up and not much else.

Hint for 22.

First movie to go out that was ranked #2 by someone.
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Hmm...I CAN'T see this one being mine...not this early.

I'm gonna guess Karate Kid.
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Definitely not mine

still gonna say Five Deadly Venoms
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Pretty sure it's mine. Or Snake's, but more likely mine.
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Most likely not mine, I'm guessing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
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Snake5555555555 posted...

Most likely not mine, I'm guessing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Oh. Yeah. That.
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man why are y'all hating on crouching tiger hidden dragon
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Because they didn't enjoy it as much as other films.
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366 movies watched last year. Crouching was in top five. Blasphemers!!

Note: Also watched 36th Chamber, Five Deadly Venoms, Way of the Dragon, Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Forbidden Kingdom, The Protector, and The Street Fighter in the same span.

A quarter there unintentionally! (Needs more five element ninja :p)
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Turns out I've seen 21 of the movies (remembering 20 well). I can totally understand now why king pow and the jcvd movies were so low now
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