Season Three Episode Five: Stranded in Space Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: After a freak accident, astronaut Neil Stryker finds himself stranded on "Terra", an alternate Earth situated directly on the far side of the sun. At first, he doesn't realize this, as he is confined to a hospital by Dr. Revere who has been ordered by his superior Benedict, to drug and interrogate Stryker, orders the doctor reluctantly fulfills. Eventually, Stryker escapes from the hospital and, after spying Terra's three moons, realizes he is not on Earth.
Stryker learns that Terra is under the command of The Perfect Order, a totalitarian government that rose after a nuclear conflict some 35 years before. The Perfect Order has succeeded in eliminating poverty and war, at the cost of how people with incompatible ideas are removed from society, reconditioned in "Ward E", and if resistant, executed. Religion and most art is outlawed, and alcohol is next on the list.
Stryker befriends Dr. Bettina Cooke and addict Professor Dylan Macauley, who plan to get Stryker on-board a Terran spacecraft so that he may return to Earth. Benedict shows up, arrests and tortures Bettina, and a bunch of chases and explosions ensues. Though Stryker fails to get on-board the spaceship, he manages to escape.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel welcomes us to the SoL. The Bots are part of a shooting gallery. While shooting them, he tells us the premise of the show, and notes the experiments are shown on cable TV. Hm.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel's turned the bots into members of the Apple Dumpling Gang. Both Joel and the Mad increasingly strange weapons with silly sound effects and gag flags.
Segment Two: The Bots argue over "Topper's TV Trading Cards". Tom wants Crow's because his set has Cameron Mitchell in it. Joel has the Kids in the Court set.
Segment Three: Tom makes some cookies, Crow has a bizarre nightmare, and they then discuss Ward E.
Segment Four: Evil mastermind Joel and Bots plot to destroy all of TV's famous detectives. Evils laughs ensue.
Ending Segment: Joel and Crow try to sell Stranded in Space to movie mogul Tom. Joel reads a letter, and the Mads (dressed as the baddies from Stranded in Space) ponder the similarities between mad science and show business. Frank doesn't get he'll replace Forrester one day.
Stinger: Striker is the recipient of the worst 'angry' slap, ever.
Review:
TV Movie set up to be a pilot for a TV series, though the series was never made. What we got is an aborted pilot for a show never made. Sorta like 90% of all other pilots, really.
The problem here is that this is a rather subdue movie, not like the usual goofy fare seen on MST3K, so it doesn't exactly mesh well. Granted, there are some pretty funny riffs and the host segments are entertaining, but there weren't many laughs to be had. I think that this movie was a bit too high on the 'quality' scale for this show, and the end result is a movie that, while still funny, doesn't quite hit all cylinders like the last few episodes. 6.5/10
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Going to do something a bit different for today's movie. Seeing as Christmas is tomorrow, I figured it would be nice if I reviewed one of the Christmas movies MST3K was able to riff.
Season Three Episode Twenty-One: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: Kimar, leader of the Martians, decides to kidnap Santa Claus because his kids are obsessed over Earth 'progrems'. So Martians go to Earth, take Santa, and Santa decides to make his own workshop on Mars. The main baddie tries to stop him, fails, and Santa goes back to Earth. Oh, and an annoying plucky comic relief (who likes Chocolate Ice Cream Food PIlls) becomes Martian Santa Claus. Did I mention this movie has a ****y robot, costume ****ier Panda Bear, costume and Pia Zadora? Yeah, none of them are really relevant to the plot.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Crow and Tom pour through expensive Christmas catalogs and the Bots tell Joel what they want for Christmas. The SoL has been decorated for Christmas.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The Mads invent the evil Wish Squisher. Joel and the Bots demonstrate their own Misfit Toys.
Segment Two: Crow writes his own Christmas Song called "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas." Joel's not too amused by the violent lyrics.
Segment Three: Crow and Servo aren't too happy about the movie. Joel has tricked Frank into sending up more Christmas specials. Some are really good, and some are really, really bad. A few are exactly the same.
Segment Four: JatBs read their Christmas essays. Crow reads "A Christmas Editoral", Tom reads the classic "A Child's Christmas in Space", Joel reads about 70's office parties, and Gypsy has a nice scene going on in her mouth.
Ending Segment: The crew sings their own version of Angels We Have Heard on High. They then go through their stockings, and reads a nice holiday letter, while the Mads exchange gifts. Subverted Gift of the Magi plot ensues.
Stinger: Voldar laughs evilly.
Review:
A Christmas classic in the Chronic house, that's for sure. I finally saw both this and Mexican Santa Claus unedited last year, and I can safely say I prefer THIS version of SCCtM better.
The riffing in this movie is excellent. Of course, this movie is just perfect for riffing. Cheesy effects (if there were any,) bad costumes (sorry, custumes), and bad acting. What can go wrong?! The host segments were really great (especially the Patrick Swayze Christmas) and the ending gag with the Gift of the Magi plot is pretty funny. A definite MUST WATCH for any MST3K fan wanting to celebrate the holidays right. 10/10
Well, with that, we're done with MST3K's venture into Santa Claus movies. Join me again Monday as I get back on tr- wait. There's another Christmas movie that the guys riffed on? Well, it can't be worse tha.. it is? Santa does what?! He fights who?! Oh no... Made in Mexico?! Damn.
Favorite Riffs:
*During the opening credits, someone misspelled 'Costume'*
Crow:Custume Designer? Custume?
*Andy the Reporter is at the "actual North Pole"*
Andy: From here, there is only one place you can go!
Crow: To hell.
*The same reporter enters Santa's shop, apparently unannounced*
Andy: Hello Santa!
Crow (as Santa): Get the hell out of my shop!
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Santa: Well, we've never disappointed the kids yet.
Joel (as Santa): Except the poor ones.
Andy: Tell me, is it true that this year there's going to be a rocket sled?
Santa: No siree. We're going out the good ol' fashion way.
Joel (as Santa): Guns a'blazing.
*Santa reveals to Mrs. Claus that they are on television. It takes a few seconds to realize it. And when she does...*
Servo: When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself.
*Kimar, Voldar, and a few others go meet Chochum*
Voldar: What is a Christmas?
Joel: It's a Christian hoiday ruined by commercialism?
*Chochum rambles on for what feels like hours*
Crow: Look you're breaking my heart gramps, can you get on with it?!
*One of the Martians enter the Martian cockpit as they travel to Earth. This is right after a bit of random footage of military and spaceships are shown*
Crow: Whoa, there's a ton of stock footage out there!
*Bland News Anchor reports on two children missing, as a movie skip synchs with what he's saying.*
New Anchor: This appears to be a day when everything is vanishing into thin air.
Crow: Including a few frames of the film.
Voldar: If we take them with us to Mars, Santa's disappearance will remain a mystery. No one will ever know Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians.
Joel: Do you realize what you just said?
*After seeing an exterior shot of the comically small Spaceship*
Crow: Apparently that Spaceship is a LOT bigger on the inside.
Servo: Like a TARDIS?
*Voldar informs Kimar that the children have escaped the ship*
Ringar: It's true Kimar, footprints!
Crow: Mmm. Childtracks. Two, three days old.
*Voldar is hot on the kid's trails, but leaves due to a "Panda bear"*
Servo: Oh you GOT to be kidding me.
Joel: Hey check it out! There's a stupid guy in a goofy bear costume out here.
Servo: I can see the headpiece draped over the body. What kind of bear...
*Torg, the Martian's robot, spots the children*
Joel: What a dopey looking robot, man. The panda bear was better than that.
Servo: It was after the Apocalypse. Nobody was prepared for the.. Robot Holocaust.
*Voldar freezes two of Santa's elves.*
Joel: Oh, he stopped them short!
*Dropo gives Santa and the kids food pills and leaves.*
Santa: Pills for dinner!
Crow (as Santa): Ho ho! What are we, Judy Garland?
*After a brief struggle between Voldar and Kimar, Santa and the kids prove they were thrown into Space. Voldar falls over*
Joel (as Santa): Oh, he's bleeding through the ears. Too bad!
*Dropo is putting on Santa's spare suit*
Servo: Oh no, he's playing dress up!
Joel: I feel like I shouldn't be watching this.
*Dropo puts on a beard*
Servo: So, Momar made Santa a spare beard?
*Santa starts the workshop, but things aren't quite right...*
Girdar: The doll has a teddy bear's head and the teddy bear has a doll's head!
Joel (as Santa): No problem, we'll just give them to dyslexic kids!
*During the (very terrible) end (and uh.. beginning) credits song*
Joel: You spell it Santa Claus but you say it Santy Claus...
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Five Episode Twenty-One: Santa Claus Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
Plot Synopsis: Santa Claus, a being who lives above the earth in a sky castle, has children from across the world working in his workshop. He also has some of the world's most advanced surveillance equipment, which he uses to spy on children (as they walk around, and their dreams.) Santa Claus is getting ready for Christmas, and there is only one person who isn't happy about this: The Devil. See, the Devil wants to control Earth, and to do so he must defeat Santa, I guess.
The Devil though has more important things to do (apparently the budget couldn't get him save for one voice over,) so he demands Pitch, a highly feared (and lactose intolerant) demon to do his dirty work. Pitch's deeds include hiring children to put up stupid traps for Santa, convince a poor girl named Lupita to steal a doll, and... that's about it. Also, there's a boy named Billy whose parents don't love him, and would prefer to get hammered than spend time with him. Again, not making this up.
Santa prepares for his annual run, and along the way gives Lupita a doll, and has Billy's parents remember him. He also runs into Pitch a few times, though Santa is able to defeat him easily. Eventually, Pitch gets rid of a few tools Merlin (yes, THAT Merlin) gave Santa, and gets a dog to chase Santa up a tree. He then tries to convince people Santa is a burglar, but Santa is able to escape before it's too late. Santa returns back to his sky castle, before the dawn of light. The end.
Host Segments:
Prologue: MatBs attempt to sing carols ends in disaster when Mike knocks over the thermos full of very hot chocolate.
Segment One: MatBs recover from their burns, Frank reveals has shaved his head to buy Dr. Forrester a watch fob. Clay signs over an old savings bond since he forgot to get Frank something. Crow gets a Steve Alaimo album, Tom Servo gets a Drug IV handbook, Mike gets a sweater with Joike knitted on it (Gypsy started it for the other guy), and Gypsy receives underwear-in-a-candy-cane. Frank isn't too happy with shaving his head for 25 bucks.
Segment Two: Rock band Santa Kläws performs Whispering Christmas Warrior. The Mads approve by rocking out.
Segment Three: The Bots have arranged a Nelson family reunion via theViewscreen, except they got the wrong Nelson family.
Segment Four: MatBs sing an politically correct holiday song Merry Christmas...If That’s Okay.
Ending Segment: Mike is clearing up from the Christmas presents, but is feeling a bit down. Gypsy points out the window of the SOL that it's snowing, giving the crew on the SOL a snow day! Back in Deep 13, Pitch is having a snack with the Mad Scientists. As Pitch outlines his plans for the New Year, Santa Claus himself bursts onto the scene and begins to spar with Pitch. Dr Forrester and TV's Frank happily watch the battle unfold.
Stinger: A maniacal mechanical reindeer laughs
Review:
And with that Santa Claus is done. While Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is one of the most unintentionally hilarious Christmas movies ever made, this takes the cake for most bizarre.
In terms of riffing strength, this movie matches SCCtM pretty well. The problem is that the movie's host segments weren't quite as good. Yeah the Gift of the Magi Plot was recycled with a different twist, but other than that, the host segments were just okay. Regardless of the segments, this was definitely a fun movie, and another must watch, especially if you're a fan of bad Christmas flicks. 9.5/10
-- In the not too distant future Way down in Deep 13. ....
Mike (as Santa): *evil laugh* I will rule the world!
Mike: Why does he (Santa) have an Air Force star over his door?
Servo: He flew 23 missions over North Korea.
Mike: You don't say?
*Several children from a few countries are shown working in Santa's workshop. They sing terribly*
Crow: Can we get a country with some rhythm?
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa
Mike: By investing in his toy making corporation, they now own him lock, stock, and barrel.
Mike: If seasonal holiday depression has a soundtrack, this is it.
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Under surveillance by the CIA.
*Santa starts getting jiggly with it during the South American's bit*
Crow: Whoa, Santa's doing the forbidden dance.
*A robotic Santa Claus laughs manically*
Crow: Well this is good ol' fashion Nightmare Fuel.
*Robo-Santa continues to laugh as little Lupita (and a few other kids) look on sadly*
Crow: Santa's laughter mocks the poor.
*Santa tells his children to look for the good children, Lupita and Billy, using his REALLY bizarre tools*
Mike: Santa's tendril's reach far and wild. There is no escaping the KLAUS Organization.
*Pedro, Santa's helper, thinks he found Lupita*
Pedro: I think I found the girl?
Santa: Where? Where is she?
Servo: A dame?! Spread out, kid.
Pedro: She's in Mexico.
*Santa looks through the eye-scope.. thing, and sees... a long distance view of Earth*
Crow: Hah! Yeah, he REALLY zeroed in on her.
*Pitch and the Narrator try and persuade Lupita on what to do with a doll she has. The Narrator wins*
Crow: Oh the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
*After Santa gets thousands of letters*
Crow (As Santa): I'm more popular than Jesus!
*Santa reads one of the letters*
Crow (as Santa): Oh ho ho! Can do!
*During the haunting 'Pitch Theme'*
Servo: (To the theme) "It's the devil's theme. This goofy little song. Even though he's the embodiment of evil he has a goofy song. It brings death, despair, destruction, and disease. Now let's all join him and laugh all we please.
*Santa awakens Billy, tells him his parents loves him, then puts him back to sleep*
Crow: Alright hold it, Kringle. We got the place surrounded. Come out with your bag up, your reindeer have turned themselves in!
*Santa gets back up in his sleigh after visiting another kid's place*
Servo: Santa's mounting up procedure doesn't make for good cinema.
Mike: It's like watching Hoss mount up.
Crow: And get on his horse.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Santa goes on his way not knowing dream powder or flower to disappear are gone.
*Santa laughs*
Mike: Santa lives in a world of denial.
*Merlin (yes THAT Merlin) helps Santa get rid of Dante the dog.*
Servo: This guy trained the King of England?
Crow: Merlin and Santa are buddies?
*Santa returns back to his castle in the sky*
Mike (as Santa): Oh, I forgot France. Oh well! Ho ho ho!
-- In the not too distant future Way down in Deep 13. ....
Season Three Episode Six: Time of the Apes Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: A young boy and his sister visit their uncle's laboratory, where scientists are involved with ground-breaking experiments in the field of cryogenics. They have devised a system in which monkeys, and conceivably humans, can be flash-frozen for years and resuscitated later without any ill effects. While enjoying the grand tour with their uncle's assistant Catherine, a massive earthquake erupts and the three of them take refuge in the experimental cryogenic pods. A falling chunk of concrete hits the controls and begins the freezing process. When the trio awakens, they find themselves in a strange world where apes walk and talk like men and wield complete control of their own civilization. Soon they are running for their lives, pursued by an army of primates that has marked them for extermination.
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs demonstrate why it's a bad idea to play baseball on the SOL.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Gypsy fixes the hole Joel created, then hits another ball. Joel invents the cellulite phone to keep dieters from ordering take-out. The Mads create a Miracle Baby Growth Formula that works a little too well.
Segment Two: JatBs try to exactly figure out why Johnny doesn't care?
Segment Three: JatBs do a bizarre (and surreal) reinactment of the Scopes Monkey Trial.
Segment Four:JatBs pretend to be a local newscast. Crow looks at the functional but futuristic fashions of the film.
Ending Segment: JatBs sing "The Sandy Frank Song", which isn't a very positive song... Letters are read, and The Mads argue who should push the button.Miracle Growth Baby pushes the button
Stinger: *Johnny's mother to Johnny* "Johnny don't go, it's too dangerous." "I don't care!"
Review:
What do you get when you take a 26 hour long episodes of a series, chop it up into a 90(ish) minute, then release it? Time of the Apes! This movie was released as a Follow The Leader of the always popular Planet of the Apes movie series, but with half the budget, terrible dubbing, and a UFO for some reason.
Of course, all that also makes a really good episode. Believe you me when I tell you that this had some great riffing and host segments. It was as though this movie was MADE for riffing. Man, Season Three of MST3K is insanely good. 9/10
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
*Catherine explains the cryogenically freezing of people. Johnny catches on pretty well.*
Johnny: When they're frozen hundreds of degrees below zero, it's just like they're really dead. But they're not!
Joel: But their souls are.
*Johnny begins to wonder around*
Catherine: Johnny don't go in there!
Crow (as Johnny): I don't care!
*Johnny, Carol, and Catherine are frozen in the cryogenic chambers*
Servo: Hate them Minnesotta winters.
*The trio wake up in a room with some bizarre looking machines.*
Joel: It's the Daleks!
Servo: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
Johnny: I don't want to be killed by a monkey!
Crow (as Johnny): I want to die by my own hand.
*The Main Ape Soldier has the trio in a line, looking them over as to size them up*
Servo (as Ape Soldier): So we put up with centuries of bellhop costumes, little shirts that says Zippys on them, badmitton on ice, rollerskates, cigars in our mouths.. Lancelot Link set us back a hundred years!
*The trio rummage around in Green Mountain*
Joel: Hey, high grade weed!
Servo: Whoa.
Crow: Dude.
*After the trio barely escape a rock trap*
Johnny: With this knife, I'm not scared of anyone.
Joel: You're dumber than those rocks.
*Shot of some apes looking around for the humans.*
Crow: Let's crap in our hands and throw it at people! Hahaha. It doesn't matter how much you evolve, that's still funny.
*The trio meet up with Goto, and they are hanging out in his cave.*
Goto: I think we need to take care of Caroline's wound.
Crow: She doesn't have one. *beat* Well, let's give her one!
*The apes capture Goto and are ready to kill him, that is until a car drives to the execution*
Joel: Uh-oh. The producer is here!
All: Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank! Why don't you crap in his hand!
Servo: I hope he doesn't see this. (Whoops!)
*The humans (and Pepe) try to escape*
Crow: Well it was about this time the Ape Boys got themselves in a heap of trouble at the Criter's Place.
*Pepe and her mother reunite*
Crow: Excuse me, ma'am? Brawny wants his shirt back.
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Three Episode Seven: Daddy-O w/ Short Alphabet Antics Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
The Short's Plot Synopsis: Not much of a plot, just someone saying the alphabet with images for each word said. May or may not be a little stereotypical, though.
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: Phil (or Daddy-O to no one) is your average street racer that works as a truck driver and singer on the side. After nearly being ran off the road by a blonde bombshell named Jana, he goes to the local nightclub and meets her again. Jana challenges Phil to a race, then promptly cheats to win said race. During all this, Phil's buddy is killed by some drug dealers.Phil's briefly accused of causing the accident that killed his best friend, he is quickly found innocent. Phil then decides to become a detective and goes undercover at the bad guys’ nightclub to find out who really caused his best friend’s death. He poses as a singer at the nightclub and moonlights driving the drug smugglers’ car. Jana wants to help him investigate, so she gets hired on as a cigarette girl. He's a high pants trucker/singer/street racer/detective/thirty-something teenager. She's more annoying than Scrappy himself. They Fight Crime.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The guys at Sat-O-Love Industries hang out at the water cooler and then hit on Gypsy.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Crow tries to tell a joke, but stinks. Joel likes it though. Dr. Forrester feeds Miracle Growth Baby, before he realizes he's being watched. Joel creates an air freshener mobile for nurseries, while the Miracle Growth Baby demonstrates the terrifying but benign Alien Teething Nook.
Segment Two: JatB's jam out to Hike Your Pants Up, a mondegreen verison of the song from the movie. Frank tries to sing part of the song, but Dr. Forrester isn't amused. Joel vapor-locks again.
Segment Three: Crow and Servo re-enact the drag race between Phil and Jana.
Segment Four: Joel demonstrate spit-takes, only to be interrupted by the Bruce (Mike Nelson), the annoying locker room guy from the film.
Ending Segment: Joel ponders the "Want some?" scene from the movie, then reads several letters. Frank offers Dr. Forrester fruit, and the Miracle Growth Baby breaks the button, so the credits stop and start several times.
Stinger: Bruce: “Couldn’t help ya if I wanted to, fella. Gym policy.”
Review:
Another step down for this episode. Daddy-O (and Alphabet Antics) didn't have nearly enough lulz in it as some of the other episodes this season, which is weird. Daddy-O is a badly dumb movie, and well worth riffing. Kinda weird that the two movies made in America have thus far been the weakest of this season. The short is also one of the weakest shorts of the entire series. It's sort of difficult riffing a short based on the alphabet.
The saving grace here is definitely the host segments, in particular the final one where the button keeps failing, and it goes back to Frank doing strange things. All in all, a blandly average episode in a (so far) great season. 5/10
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Three Episode Eight: Gamera vs. Gaos Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: A volcanic eruption rouses a huge triangle-headed vampire bat monster called Gaos, a creature with an ultrasonic a devastating yellow beam with laser-like cutting power, and a craving for death and destruction. Giant heroic flying turtle Gamera appears and battles Gaos on two occasions, but he is forced to withdraw both times after being badly injured. Gamera is cheered on by a little kid named Eiichi. The military tries to burn Gaos with huge flamethrowers, but the monster's steaming armpits put the fires out. Scientists speculate that sunlight might be harmful to the giant bat-like creature, which would explain why it only appears at night. A plan to lure Gaos by placing a blood-like substance on top of a rotating restaurant is implemented. The scientists hope that the spinning action will disorient Gaos and that he will be unable to return to his underground lair when the sun rises. The plan works, at first, until the restaurant’s spinning mechanism breaks, and Gaos escapes. Gamera finally defeats Gaos by making him fly too close to the sun.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel is bemused that the Bots (and Magic Voice) have all decided to use raspy voices.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel finally gets them to stop by having Gypsy do her impression of the NBC Sunday Night Mystery Movie. The Mads sport Self-Image Printers that reveal a person's true persona. Frank's a clown, Forrester is a woman. Joel makes a Fax Machine-Kleenex Dispenser and blows getting the cure for the common cold
Segment Two: Joel tries to demonstrate how the viewers can make a Gaos costume, only to be sabatoged by the Bots, though they both end in time out.
Segment Three: JatBs attempts to put on the "Gameradamerung", but movie sign stops them before they even start.
Segment Four: JatBs do a parody of the Ed Sullivan Show, with Crow and Ed Sullivan and Joe as Gaos the Great. Joel tries to spin plates, but fails pretty badly.
Ending Segment: JatBs ponder better ways to get rid of Gaos than the turntable-fountain of blood combo in the movie. Crow encourages viewers to send in ideas of their own.
Stinger: The comic relief guys make weird faces.
Review:
Unlike the previous Gamera film, we actually get to see Gamera for longer than a few seconds. We actually get three monster fights here (plus, for some bizarre reason, another monster fight at the very end of the film after the movie's over.) Problem is, the movie still sucks. How can a scrappy kid get permission to go damn near anywhere on a military base?
The riffing was good, though not great. The host segments were funny at least, and it seems like that part of the show is consistently good now that they've got experience making them. I'm glad we don't get any more of those demon dogs from the first season. Overall, good sequel to Gamera, though it doesn't quite hold water to the first (or second) one. 7.5/10
Trivia: This was another KTMA episode remade, just like the other two Gamera flicks and Time of the Apes. Seems like every Sandy Frank movie is being remade for this season...
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Three Episode Nine: The Amazing Colossal Beast Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: Army officer Lt. Col. Glenn Manning suffers serious burns to over 90% of his body following exposure to plutonium radiation from a bomb blast. Somehow, he somehow survives the explosion and his burns completely heal, but the radiation causes him to abnormally grow into a 60-foot-tall giant. At that size, his heart is unable to supply sufficient blood to his brain and he gradually goes insane.
Army doctors attempt to halt and reverse his growth with a formula, but after getting injected with the cure, he grabs the needle and spears one of the doctors with it, killing him on the spot. He then escapes from confinement, "kidnaps" his girlfriend, Carol Forrest, and wreaks havoc in Las Vegas before being cornered by the Army at the Hoover Dam. After releasing Carol he is shot and apparently falls to his death in the Colorado River.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The Bots make a fort to hide from Joel and get out of doing their chores. Joel isn't amused.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel tries to pull the bots out of the fort. The Mads make a plant (Kevin Murphy) that reviews music, while Joel demonstrates a non-permanent tattoo that can be drawn on a paper waxboard and changed for your newest girlfriend.
Segment Two: Joel tries to teach the Bots how to be sensitive to someone whose spouse has been horrendously injured. The Bots decide to troll Joel. They then insult Joel, then start on each other.
Segment Three: Joel is now 50-feet tall, and he isn't happy about it. The Bots make it a bit too weird for Joel.
Segment Four: JatBs ponder what it would be like to meet the Amazing Colossal Man, and then get their chance when Glenn (Mike Nelsonn) drops by. He starts going crazy though, then apparently dies.
Ending Segment: The crew ponders other things Glenn could have done, some letters are read, and Frank discovers the joys of giant syringes.
Stinger: Glen cracks up and then convulses.
Review:
This isn't really your basic 'Attack of the 50 Foot Whatever' movies that we (presumably) know of, since this was one of the first made. Because of that, the movie takes a fair amount of time giving off exposition when they really don't need to (that, and say a whole lot of techno babble and get basic human anatomy VERY wrong.) As per usual, this is a cheesy B-Flick from the mind of Mr. Bert I. Gordon himself, (Mr. BIG, as some called him, previously worked on King Dinosaur. We'll see a lot more of his flicks in the coming episodes and seasons.)
The riffing in this movie is definitely top notch. I mean, how can it not be? When Glenn the giant tries to read a mini-book or tiny newspaper (or is terribly superimposed onto certain sets) it's almost impossible not to laugh at it. This is one of those movies where the movie's good enough on it's own to laugh at, but the riffing gives it that extra edge. The host segments were okay, and the special visit from Glenn was pretty also good. A definite must watch. 9.5/10.
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Three Episode Ten: Fugitive Alien Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: Ken is a Starwolf from the planet Valnastar. After discovering a mother and child (also named Ken,) Ken hesitates on killing them. A fellow soldier (and Ken's best friend) tries to murder the two, but Ken accidentally kills his friend to pretect the mother and child.
Ken becomes a fugitive alien rescued by the Earth starship the Bacchus 3. The crew of the Bacchus 3 includes alcoholic Captain Joe, Rocky the pilot, Dan, Billy, and Tammy the ‘morale officer.’ Ken joins the Bacchus 3 team at Captain Joe’s invitation. At first, Rocky distrusts Ken and tries to kill him with a forklift (wtf?), but eventually they become friends. Tammy has an unrequited crush on Ken. Meanwhile, The sister of the man Ken (and Ken's girlfriend), Rita, is ordered by Valnastar ruler Lord Halkon to avenge her brother's death by finding and killing Ken.
The Bacchus 3 visits the planet Kararan. Ken leaves the ship, and gets himself thrown in prison. Via two-way radio, Captain Joe orders Ken to find a Colonel from the planet Caesar in the same prison and break him out. After accomplishing this mission, Ken abruptly runs into Rita. But Rita still loves Ken, so she can’t bring herself to kill him. Rita is then killed when she and Ken are attacked by Kararan guards. Ken and the Caesarean Colonel make it back to the Bacchus 3.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel starts up a farm by dressing up the Bots. They aren't too happy.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Frank is nearly drowned by the Eye, Ear, Nose, and Throat Dropper, and Joel makes a chair/xylophone, . Then Jack Perkins (Mike Nelson) introduces the episode. Joel isn't sure who Jack Perkins is though.
Segment Two: JatBs throw a Fugitive Alien-based hat party that ends up making fun of the Mads. Jack Perkins finds this rather amusing, but Dr. Forrester uses a tazer on him.
Segment Three: Joel wants to reenact a scene from the film with himself as a crazed Captain Joe., and Crow and Tom as Ken and... Ken.
Segment Four: Joel uses Syd Field's Screenplay Model to attempt to explain the plot of Fugitive Alien. He also explains that this 'movie' is a bunch of TV episodes of a Japanese series thrown together. The Mads try to explain it as well, but Jack Perkins again gets involved.
Ending Segment: Joel explains what all the new buttons on his jumpsuit do, a viewer attempts to guess the cool thing from Lost Continent,, but Joel informs us all they saw was Mexican Stoplight Candy. The Mads prepare Jack Perkins for his final fate of being genetically altered.
Stinger: Captain Joe is sensitive to Ken's needs, “HAHAHAHA....you’re STUCK HERE!”
Review:
The 'movie' started off a bit slow, but really picked up about halfway through. The lulz came in nice and strong, which was a huge plus. It was also nice (for once) to know the names of damn near every character. You don't know how tough it is typing down riffs when you don't know character names.
Seeing Jack Perkins was pretty damn funny, and seeing him constantly interrupting the Mads was a nice gag. The riffing was great, as I stated. These gag dub 'movies' are really great. 10/10
Trivia: Another Sandy Frank Film, another KTMA Episode redone.
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
*During the opening credits, we discover that two of the characters are named Ken.*
Crow: Is everyone named Ken?
Joel: What gives? The Planet of the Kens?
*Ken is trying to escape after he accidentally killed his friend*
Ken: I don't want to die in the middle of nowhere!
Joel: I want to die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret.
*After being saved by the Bacchus 3, the astronauts learn that Ken's people were attacking Earth. Ken attacks them, before stopping*
Ken: I can't afford to lose control!
Crow: Then what do you call that?
*Captain Joe tries to recruit Ken, and at the same time being sympathetic to him.*
Captain Joe: HAHAHAHA.... you're STUCK HERE!
Servo: Whoa, mood swings.
*Lord Halkon, leader of Vuranstar, tells Rita that her brother was killed by Ken*
Lord Halkon: I assume you've heard that your brother has lost his life.
Rita: Yes.
Halkon:He was killed by Ken.
Rita: Ken did it?!
Servo: Those bastards!
*Rita travels through a desert, as Halken's voice is heard via voice over*
Halken (voiceover): You're not allowed to return here without his head.
Joel (as Rita): I gotta lay off the shrooms
Servo (echoing, faintly): lay off the shrooms, lay off the shrooms...
Rita: Ken..
*Ken shows up in front of Rita*
Rita: Ken, you will pay dearly for what you did.
Joel (as Ken): I know momma ba-
*Ken disappears, Rita looks shocked*
Servo (as Rita): Well, that was easy. I can go home no- oh, I was supposed to bring back his head.
*Captain Joe talks about the crew of the Bacchus 3 with a superior officer, I guess.*
Joe: That's Rocky.
Servo: He's a squirrel.
*Ken chases Rocky after he tried to kill Ken... with a forklift*
All (to the tune of the theme song): This is the song rented for the train chase. This is the chase Rocky and Ken. He tried to kill me with a forklift! Away!
*Joe tries to discipline Ken, extending his finger to Ken*
Joe: Now you listen to this.
Servo (as Joe): Pull my finger.
*Joe goes into a flashback stills of his wife and daughter while at the gravesite of them*
Crow (as Joe): Why am I thinking about the cast party now?
*The Bacchus 3 crew drinks to a good mission. Rocky shows up*
Rocky: Sir, I want you...
Joel (as Rocky): In the worst way.
*Ken sniffs around a few of the dead animals in the Arabian planet*
Joel: Trumpy, you're stinky.
*Ken speaks to Joe on his super secret radio while he's imprisoned in a jail*
Ken: Shh! Someone's coming!
Servo: I'm sure the other inmates haven't heard a word of this.
Servo (as Joe): When I talk to Ken, I touch myself.
*Joe tries to communicate to Ken*
Joe: This is Joe.
Joel: Hello Joe, what do you know?
Servo: Just got back from Cocomo.
-- In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. ....
Season Three Episode Eleven: It Conquered The World w/short The Sports Parade: Snow Thrills Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
The Short's Plot Synopsis: A newsreel showing off some winter sports. Also, the narrator calls skiing 'schiing.'
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: Dr. Tom Anderson (Van Cleef), an embittered scientist, has picked up the voice of a Venusian alien in his radio transmitter. The alien wants to take over the world with its mind-control devices and thus make a new home for itself, but claims only to be bringing peace to the Earth through the elimination of emotions. Anderson agrees to help the creature in this ploy, even allowing that the creature assimilate his friend Dr. Nelson (Graves) and his wife (Fraser). The alien's first action is to suppress all electric power on Earth, including the ignition and starting systems of motor vehicles, leaving Dr. Nelson resorting to riding around on a bicycle.
After killing a flying bat-like creature which carries the mind-control device, Nelson returns home to see his wife is assimilated and, as she attempts to assimilate him with another bat creature, he kills her. By this point, the only people left that are not mind controlled are Nelson, Anderson, Anderson's wife, and a small group of soldiers camping in the woods. Dr. Nelson finally persuades the paranoid Anderson that he has been wrong about the alien's motives and that he has made a horrible mistake, allying himself with a creature bent on world domination. They hurriedly leave when they discover Tom's wife has picked up a rifle and gone to the alien's cave to try to kill it. The monster succeeds in taking the life of Mrs. Anderson before the two doctors make it to her rescue. Finally seeing his hubris and the loss of everything he holds dear, Dr. Anderson kills the monster, sustaining lethal wounds of his own in the confrontation
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel attempts to use Crow as a ventriloquist dummy to get on to Star Search. Jeff Dunham he is not. Joel and Crow argue.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Crow and Joel decided to switch roles, but that doesn't work. The Mads create Instant Hanged Men Halloween costumes, and Joel demonstrates the Sony Seaman which imitates the soothing sounds of the ocean. Dr. Forrester thinks it's as dull as his invention was.
Segment Two: JatBs do their own version of the winter sports seen in the short. It gets rather silly.
Segment Three: The gang does their own extra-bitter version of the coffee scene from the film.
Segment Four: Based on confusion over the relation of James Arness and Peter Graves, Joel and the Bots sing the Celebrity Siblings Song. This bit was more than likely done to pad out the two hour episode.
Ending Segment: JatBs watch Peter Graves' stirring end speech from It Conquered the World, then read some letters. Someone wonder why Joel always looks sleepy-eyed. Joel also explains that Gypsy performs the higher functions of the ship, hence why she's not around as much. It turns out the Mads are watching Peter Graves' speech as well.
Stinger: "He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature..."
Review:
Why is that most of the evil monsters trying to conquer the world end up looking so ridiculous? Robot Monster was a gorilla with a diving suit helmet as a head, and today the Venus creature was a large carrot. Despite the silly monster, this movie does have a few big name actors. Particularly Lee Van Cleef, and Peter Graves. And yes, JatBs made repeated references to The Good, Bad, and Ugly and.. Biography on A&E.
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Aside from the running gag of Biography references, there were some good riffs in both the short and movie, though the movie was a bit dull until the last twenty or so minutes. Peter Grave's speech at the end of the movie was pretty rousing, and it's clear the writers liked it, seeing as the replayed it THREE AND A QUARTER TIMES after the inital hearing of it, and the Stinger (it was also played over the ending credits.) This was a pretty good episode, but there are much better in this season. 7.5/10
Favorite Riffs (Short):
Narrator: Jack Frost is master of ceremony
Servo: Oh, I thought he was ficitional.
*During a Ice Skating competition*
Narrator: Beauty, grace, and rhythm.
Servo: You won't find them here!
*During the Ice Yacht segment8
Crow: 4th of July in Minnessota
Narrator: Fast becoming one of the most popular of winter sports is sking (he pronounces schiing)
All: Huh?
Narrator: And schiing is the correct pronounciation, they tell us.
Joel: Well, you're full of skit.
Servo (reading the title card): Cross Country schiing amid schenes of winter magnifichence in Chanada's shnow-covered playgroundsch.
Narrator: Now let's see some schi thrills!
Crow: Sheep thrills?
*During a sk-schi segment*
Narrator: Watch him go!
Crow: To hell!
Servo: In a handbasket!
*During the bobsledding bit, the narrator goes strangely quiet*
Joel: What happened to the voiceover guy? Did he go to the bathroom or something?
Favorite Riffs (Movie):
*During the title credits*
Servo: Sorry Lou, but I don't mean to Rusoff like this!
Nelson: I bet you finally decided you were wrong about that satelitte
Anderson: Hardly, it's the greatest interest in my life.
Crow (as Anderson): That, and my hair.
*We see the first image of 'It'*
Crow: Oh great, it's a giant vlasic pickle!
Servo (between laughs): With horns!
*The Andersons welcome in the Nelsons after their electronics die off, something Mr. Tom An- Dr. Tom pointed out*
Mrs. Anderson: Need anything?
Joel (as Dr. Anderson): Honey, can you get that crow out of the fridge, and make them eat it.
*A General tries to attack alien bat with the butt of his gun*
Joel: No, use the OTHER end.
*Anderson is looking through a pair of binoculars*
Crow: I like to go a few blocks away and watch my wife.
*Nelson gives Dr. Anderson the what for*
Nelson: Your hands are human, but your mind is enemy.
Servo: And I won't bring up your feet.
*Nelson enters his home after being at Andersons. He fails to realize that the lights are working (a sign someone is under mind control*
Joel: Peter? Think about it. The lights work..
Servo (whispering): Lights. The Light Work
Joel: I think James Arness was the smart one.
*Nelson walks into an office where two scientists and an a military officer are speaking. He shoots them without asking any questions.*
Servo: Uhm, hi. You were all bad guys, weren't you?
*After Anderson's heel face turn and he kills a cop with fire*
Servo: Chili peppers burn his gut! Heheh.
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Season Three Episode Twelve: Gamera vs. Guiron Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: Two kids, Akio and Tom, witness a spaceship while looking through their telescope. They try to tell their mother, but that doesn't work. What do the kids do? Why, go to the crash site and look for themselves! With Akio's sister Tomoko in tow, the three kids try to find this flying saucer. When they do find it, the two boys get inside the empty flying saucer to play when it automatically takes off to return to the “star” (well,. planet) of Terra, located on the opposite side of the Sun. (Whoa hold on a damn minute here! I swear that if Cameron Mitchell appears in this flick...)
Once on the 'star' of Terra, the boys see Gaos flying around when, out of the ground, comes Guiron, a monster with a giant knife for a head and who crawls around on all fours. The two monsters have a fight that Guiron easily wins. After seeing the fight, the two boys meet two women in strangeoutfits, and are also the only human-like inhabitants of the Terra. The women talk about going to Earth with the boys, but then secretly decide that there’s not enough room on the saucer for all of the boys, so they decide to eat them. So the women feed the boys some drugged donuts and begin to shave their heads for dinner. Gamera, feeling this movie's gotten a bit too silly, shows up to rescue the boys. The two women unleash Guiron from his hole in the ground to fight the giant turtle. Gamera is wounded in the fight and so must, rest at the bottom of the ocean, like last time.
The monster fight somehow damaged the flying saucer, so while the two women are fixing it, the two boys get out of their confinement and start messing with controls. The boys accidentally release Guiron again and he cuts the flying saucer in two as the two women try to escape. After cutting the saucer in two, Guiron attacks the control center trying to kill the two boys, but Gamera is healed! He shows up again and has a long fight with Guiron, both on land and underwater, in which Gamera gets to demonstrate his gymnastics skills on the parallel bar. Gamera then uses Guiron as a stake and eliminates the monster by throwing a missile with great accuracy. Gamera next shows off his mechanical skills by using his hot breath to weld the flying saucer back together and return the two boys to Earth as the movie ends.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The Bots play school lunch. Servo is embarrassed by a note from his mom... though Crow tells him he doesn't have a mother. Servo is rather depressed by that.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel chastises the bots for using real food. Frank's munching on food, much to Dr. Forrester's chargin. Joel creates a collapsible garbage can for campers; his idea for a collapsible port-a-potty meets with less acclaim. The Mads get turned on by sexy Rorschach centerfolds.
Segment Two: JatBs sing their own English version of the Gamera song from the movie.
Segment Three: Joel cuts Crow in half with Tom, who is dressed like Guiron. Turns out it wasn't Crow at all.
Segment Four: A long and meandering sketch about the life of Richard Burton, based on the fact that the Tom in the movie vaguely resembles him.
Ending Segment: A Japanese version of the Gamera song, followed by the Mads enjoying tales and songs from Michael Feinstein (Mike Nelson.) Dr. Forrester decides to kill him.
Stinger: "What a monster!" .
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This has to be the most insane Gamera movie ever made. It's like the everyone involved with this move took a hit of acid before making it, and this is what came out. Really bizarre Gamera, but it makes for a pretty hilarious episode.
The riffing was good, not perfect but you'll definitely have a few laughs. The host segments were quite funny as well. Definitely a better Gamera than the previous one (Gamera vs. Gaos) 8.5/10
Trivia: Yep, another KTMA turned Season Three flick
Favorite Riffs:
*Akio and Tom look through the telescope out into space*
Crow: It's Major Tom!
*Akio tries to explain finding a new star to his mom*
Akio: They may be very civilized up there, more than we are here. With no wars, or traffic accidents...
Joel: Huh? Traffic accidents?
*Tom shoots a rubber dart at Officer Kondo's towel for.. some bizarre reason. Seeing this, and the kids, he decides to investigate*
Tomoko: Good morning, Kon-chan
Joel: Cornjob?!
Akio: Say Officer.
Servo: Officer Cornjob, say the name right, honey.
*Akio, Tom, and Tomoko ride their bicycle through a forest to the spaceship*
All (to the song being played): They're gonna ride their bicycles, they'll disappear into the woods, it will be days before they're found, Corn Job will be blamed.
*Tom and Akio enter the spaceship, and randomly decide to blast off*
Tomoko: Brother! Brother!
Crow: Uh, he should tell her his name.
*Gamera and the spaceship fly around in space. Gamera goes ahead of them, turns around, and starts flying toward them*
Crow: Gamera's playing chicken with them!
Servo: No no, he just TASTES like chicken.
Crow: Oh..
*Tomoko goes back to talk to her mother*
Tomoko: Mother! Mother!
Joel: I just killed a man!
*Akio and Tom watch as water begins to run backwards and the ground under it parts*
Servo: Oh, they must be in California. No water, ground seperating, monsters coming out from underneath..
*Akio and Tom meet the two space babes and from the.. star of Terra*
Akio: You know, I looked through my telescope everday and I thought that there would be a perfect world wihout work, or war, or traffic accidents...
Crow: What's his obsession with traffic accidents?!
*As Gamera flies through space looking for Akio and Tom*
Servo: Like a good neighbor, Gamera is there!
*One of the Space Babes stops Akio, and starts asking him questions*
Space Babe: What would you like the most right now?
Joel (as Akio): Well, it involves jello...
*Tom and Akio's mother (along with Tomoko) wait patiently for Tom and Akio to show up*
Tom's Mother: When Tom get's back, I'm going to spank him. 30 Times is his punishment.
Servo: *clears throat* I'm Tom..
*During Gamera's highly improbable and silly gymnastic skills where he keeps flipping over a bar*
Servo: It just dawned on me how GOOFY this film is.
*Guiron lands sword first into the ground*
Joel: And there was much rejoicing!
All: Yay.
*Akio and Tom return back to Earth*
Akio: Let's make Earth a great place to live, without war, or traffic accidents...
All: WHAT'S WITH THE TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS?!
Servo: For crying out loud...
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Season Three Episode Thirteen: Earth vs. The Spider w/short Using Your Voice Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
The Short's Plot Synopsis: Professor E.C. Buehler tells us how to be effective speakers. He has a nifty wire rack to display his points on, and places an emphasis on being heard, understood, and especially "pleasing".
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: Carol Flynn is worried that something has happened to her father after not coming home the night before. She and her boyfriend, Mike Simpson, go out searching and encounter a giant spider in a cave near her father's wrecked car. Coming back with the sheriff, the spider is seemingly killed by DDT spraying, and its body is then hauled for storage in the high school gymnasium. A loud dose of rock music by a teenage garage band revives the arachnid and sends it rampaging through the town.
Meanwhile, Carol and Mike have gone back to the cave to look for a bracelet that she dropped (the birthday present from her father). The arachnid then returns to its lair and the sheriff dynamites the cave entrance, unwittingly trapping the two teens inside with the spider. Rescuers open a small hole above the cave and send down a device that the teens use to electrocute the spider
Host Segments:
Prologue: It's Inside the Robot Mind with host Crow T. Robot and special guest Tom Servo! They don't get past the introduction before Commercial Sign.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Servo told some funny jokes during the break. The Mads stole Joel's Cheese Phone idea, and thank Joel when he calls them on their stupidty and evilness (a Dr. Erhardt reference!) Joel presents the CD Blow Dryer to replace the In-Salon 8-Track and the Portable Dryer Cassette models. Frank keeps eating the cheese phone.
Segment Two: Crow writes a screenplay called Earth vs. Soup. Joel and Servo aren't impressed. Crow doesn't seem downtrodden by it.
Segment Three: The new rock group, Spidorr, is interrupted by a visit from the cranky Custodian of the 7th Galaxy (Mike Nelson). Also, Crow is informed KISS was never cooled.
Segment Four: JatBs talk about the cool, yet dangerous toys of the past, like Creepy Crawlers and Lawn Darts.
Ending Segment: Tom and Crow write reports. Tom's report focuses on Bert I. Gordon's common themes. Crow's isn't finished yet. They read a few letters, and Frank has repercussions from consuming the entire cheese phone (even the inedible parts!)
Stinger: A poor speaker from the short rambles on.
Review:
This is what an MST3K short be about. Silly subject, dumb dialogue, and a goldmine of riffing material. I'd highly recommend watching the short if you got ten minutes to kill.
A bad B-movie about a giant spider. No, this doesn't have Alan Hale in it, why do you ask (though the sheriff DOES look like him..)
The riffing was good, the host segments funny, and the combination of good short + movie makes this a very enjoyable episode. 9/10
Favorite Riffs (Short):
*After a potential customer tells a door to door salesman to come back later*
Customer: He seemed like a nice guy...
All: At first.
Buehler: Every day someone loses a sale...
Crow: Or an arm.
Buehler: The first thing every speaker should do is learn the three basic things of public speaking.
Servo (as Buelher): Lie, lie, and lie.
Crow: Oh, and check your zipper.
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Season Three Episode Fourteen: Mighty Jack Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: An evil criminal organization called Q has plans for world domination, so a high-tech crime-fighting unit is formed to fight Q; this unit is called Mighty Jack. Mighty Jack operates out of a secret base where they can launch their super-duper submarine/jet hybrid vehicle. Q kidnaps a man named Mr. Atari because they want the secret of Mighty Jack. The MJ unit is sent out by some old guy to rescue him.
In the second half of the "movie," using stolen research plans, Q has developed a new ice that stays solid at high temperatures and also an instant-freeze gun that uses this "hot ice." Q destroys an artificial island with its instant-freezing weapons and then uses a fake iceberg made of hot ice as their new base. Mighty Jack is called in to fight Q again and the hunt is on.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The SoL is in ruins, Joel is dead, Tom and Crow are going to crash to their doom... or at least they pretend to do so.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The Mads create Formal Flippers for those formal spying occasions. Joel demonstrates his Ear-Shaped Earmuffs, so you don't have dorky balls of fuzz on either side of your head.
Segment Two: The Bots create a commercial for their new brand of dog food, Mighty Jack!
Segment Three: The Bots imprison Joel in the blinding light compartment from the movie. Joel foils their plans by closing his eyes.
Segment Four: Joel shows the Bots how cheap underwater filming is done by way of an aquarium. He then gets carried away with it.
Ending Segment: JatBs sing the old plot shanty Slow the Plot Down and then confuse Mighty Jack with other famous films. The bots are very confused about the movie. In Deep 13, Frank is a pirate who quotes Herman Melville.
Stinger: Fritz sits on a bomb as it goes off. Fritz died as he lived . . . ‘loving’ his work
Review:
One word properly describes this 'movie': Confusing. As JatBs sang, sometimes, you REALLY need to slow the plot down. Or you know, NEVER MAKE A F***ING MOVIE WITH SCENES FROM A TV SERIES! You end up with some highly confusing movie that is blended terribly.
Because of that, the riffing takes a huge dip for this movie. There's more than one or two riffs that comment that the movie is extremely confusing, and they practically admit they have NO idea what's going on. I'm sure if you watch this flick four (dozen) times it starts to make sense in some bizarre way, but why would you want to put yourself through that sort of torture? The saving grace of this movie is definitely the host segments, which are very good. Shame that's the only good part, because this HAS to be the worst movie of Season three. 4/10
Trivia: Do I even have to say this was another KTMA episode?
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*A group of kids are water skiing for the first time*
Narrator: This is positively the first time for this bunch.
Crow: So you know they're gonna fail.
*We see a shot of the teacher of the above kids*
Servo: This is the teacher, Chad Slabbody. Hello Chad.
*A group of female water skiiers let go of the boat*
Narrator: See you later, girls!
Joel: Miles from the dock, and they can't swim!
*A skier shows off his board jumping*
Narrator: Notice his arms don't rotate like in snowboard jumping.
Crow: His arms just come clean off.
Narrator: This time the Mexican Jumping Bean will do a one and a half spin while..
Servo (quietly): Mexican Jumping Bean?
Crow: This time the white facist announcer will make a racial slur.
Servo (as Announcer): What do I know? I'm just a fat, pink announcer mowing down pretzels and cookies and trying tor come to grips with a wonderful life gone horribly wrong.
Favorite Riffs (Short 2):
*Ross the animal catcher is trying to catch a wildcat*
Ted the Narrator: This is where my boyfriend knows his stuff.
Servo: You don't have to say anymore, Ted.
*Ross chases down a baby bear cub*
Joel: Man, what I'd do to see that cub's mom coming through right now.
*Ross climbs a tree and tries to catch another bear cub. He steps on it's paw, making it scream in pain*
Crow: Joel, do they do this on Earth?
Servo: Isn't that wrong?
Joel: I feel deeply ashamed of my race.
Servo: Rightfully so.
*Ross cleans himself off with a towel after catching the cubs*
Servo: Ross tries to wipe away the evil, but it's not happening.
Narrator: In the Everglades, six feet of diamondback. Enough to scare you out of your skin.
Joel: Let's not forget who the real evil serpent is.
*A bear 'escapes', and we get footage of it's recapture (from underwater)*
Joel: Oh, they just so happen to be shooting footage underwater at the time.
Joel: We'd like to apologize to everyone, everywhere for this.
Favorite Riffs (Movie):
Narrator: In the beginning there was chaos...
*A bright light shines amidst the 'chaos'*
Crow: Oh, and then God showed up.
*One of the Cave Man talks to Symbol Maker's Teenage Son (aka THE MAIN CHARACTER)*
Servo: Look, he's got a saggy diaper that leaks.
Grumpy old Cave Man: When the fire comes back in the sky...
Joel: You mean morning?
*Teenage Son and a few other characters walk around a forest, presumbly nude.*
Crow: I know I left clothes around here somewhere..
Servo: You know, I could go for a chared grill hamburger sandwich and some french fried potatoes.
*We see the movie's 'monster for the first time.'*
Joel: It's me! It's Trumpy!
Servo: Oh yeah...
Caveman: On the sun's third rising..
Crow: We'll call it Wednesday.
*Robert Vaughn (the lead actor) seems to have invented the bow after he konks his noggin on a tree branch*
Crow: So let me get this straight, he knocks himself out and he becomes smart?
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Season Three Episode Fifteen: Teenage Cave Man w/ shorts Aquatic Wizards and Catching Trouble Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
The Short's (1) Plot Synopsis: Many people water ski in slow motion throughout Cypress Gardens in Florida. The legality of children out on open water without lifejackets isn't called into question.
The Short's (2) Plot Synopsis: An overly enthusiastic wildlife trapper torments snakes, wildcats and bear cubs in such a way that I'm sure Steve Irwin is spinning in his grave.
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: A tribe of primitives in a wasteland struggle to survive, despite a lush environment just on the other side of a nearby river; they refuse to cross the river because of an ancient tale which warns of a god lurking on the other side, who brings death with a touch. A "young" man of the tribe decides to challenge the law, eventually leading the tribe to follow him across the river and confront the "god": a horribly burnt humanlike giant. Despite the young man's attempts to make peace, the tribe stones the giant to death. In the denouement in a voice-over by the giant after his death, the truth is revealed: the hideous figure is actually the last survivor of an ancient nuclear holocaust. Surviving due to his radiation suit, he wandered across the land as humanity slowly rebuilt itself, his terrible appearance causing everyone to fear and shun him.
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs are bored out of their minds during a rainstorm. Magic Voice tries to help them out, but each suggestion is shot down. They eventually decide to play Poker because Gypsy doesn't know what to do.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Gypsy had a great hand, and ruins it when she starts screaming Richard Basehart. JatBs wrote a book for rainy day ipecacs that sound rather disgusting. Dr. Forrester and Frank start fighting for some unknown reason.
Segment Two: Catching Ross. Joel and the Bots produce their own version of Catching Trouble with Ross as the tormented prey.
Segment Three: Forrester and Frank are still fighting while Joel shows the Bots a history of Technology. This bores them to sleep. Technology's greatest achievement? The Flying Nun.
Segment Four: Examining the pendulum of human development whilst comparing it to today's movie.
Ending Segment:Crow and Tom Servo mimic the film's end. Joel reads a slimy letter, Dr. Forrester and Frank patch things up (and each other) with some coffee and a viewing of the Jack Lemmon opus Dad.
Stinger: The Teenage Caveman runs smack dab into a tree and conks his head.
Review:
The two shorts are both particularly hilarious, but the nod goes to Catching Trouble. It's so offensive that it's pretty damn funny. Odd that the writers couldn't snatch up a 20 minute short to show before the movie. The movie is your typical B-Movie fare with a Aesop that seems rather silly considering it involves a 500 year old scientist.
The riffing of the shorts is really good, though I found the movie lacking a bit. To be fair, this movie really doesn't need riffing, it just needs watchingt. The real highlight is the shorts (particularly Catching Trouble) and host segments. Dr. Forrester vs. TV's Frank is pretty damn hilarious, and almost worth watching by itself. Decent episode all around.7.5/10
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Season Three Episode Sixteen: Gamera vs. Zigra Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV Frank w/Assistants Gerry and Sylvia
Plot Synopsis: A female alien from Zigra (named... Zigra.) attacks Earth, and it's up to the child loving Gamera to save the world. Really, that's all you need for a freaking plot.
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs throw a root beer kegger. The keg runs out, and Joel suggests some Gamera related games. Magic Voice is drunk.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The Mads call in, and Joel thinks it may be his parents. The Mads invent The Three Stooges Guns that are both offensive and defensive (I wouldn't mind having one of those...) Joel makes Crow T. Shish-ka-bob. Dr. Forrester is upset that TV's Frank told them that this was the last Gamera movie.
Segment Two: The Bots show Joel their Gamera model that explains how he works.
Segment Three: The box do some shoebox dioramas depicting the Gamera movies.
Segment Four: JatBs have another party, while talking about their NFL picks that week (damn, that's been around for over 20 years?) Kenny and Helen (Mike Nelson and Bridget Jones,) the children from the movie, visit the SOL. They try to figure out why the child actors are 30 years old.
Ending Segment: JatBs do their own verison of the theme song in different musical styles. The Mads (with Gerry and Silvia) rock out the Gamera theme song.
Stinger: Fish Argument Theater comes to a climax.
Review:
And with that, we end the Gamera run. I gotta say that as a whole the movies were pretty good, though it did get pretty grating at times. A goofy monster movie is good every so often, but watching seven in the span of twenty episodes does that to you.
The riffing was good as usual, and the host segments were particularly amusing. overall, a good end to the Gamera run. 8.5/10
Trivia: This was the last appearance of Gerry and Silvia, Mole People that worked in Deep 13 with Forrester and TV's Frank. Talk about obscure characters from the show.
Also, blah blah, KTMA Blah blah.
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*We get a shot of the 'moon', which is surprisingly dark.*
Joel: I didn't know the moon was made of dark gooey chocolate.
*After a shot of the lunar vehicle (quite obviously a model*
Servo (laughing): You have GOT to be kidding me.
Crow: You can see the glue.
*Kenny and his sister are being sent to see the dolphins at Sea World*
Kenny: If you want me to be like a dolphin, I need to know how to swim first!
Servo: Also need to know how to breath through the back of your neck.
*A couple of biologists try to sprout off an aesop in the first ten minutes of the movie.
Crow: Save it for the END of the movie!
*Laura, working for Zibra rambles on as Kenny, Helen, and their two dads are watching on. The Alien lady is at an extreme closeup, and causing fuzziness on the screen.*
All Three: Focus, hey focus!
*After Helen and Kenny's dad are hypnotized by Laura Kenny transports them back to Earth, and tries to start the motorboat*
Joel: Look good little dude. What's your max?
*To the Gamera Theme Song*
All: Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat..Gamera is filled with meat. We've been eating Gamera!
*Kenny and Helen stumble onto an old hermit guy*
Hermit:Are you the ones caught by the evil people from Zigra?
Kenny: How did you know that?!
Joel (as Hermit): I saw the first reel!
*A Soldier (and media) interview Kenny and Helen about the Zigra, they argue over who's mom is prettier*
Soldier: You are both right. Your moms are prettier.
Servo: The hell's that supposed to mean?
*The Female "Alien" Laura hypnotises three women at a beach, and steals on of their bathing suits. She then proceeds to RUN THROUGH A LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE DRESSED NORMALLY*
Servo: Sex appeal!
Joel (As Zigra): I thought I'd blend in with this costume...
*Laura runs around in a bizarrely short skirt, chasing Kenny and Helen*
Joel (quietly): I see London, I see France...
Servo: Whoa, I do too!
Crow: I see heaven.
*Gamera uses his firebreath on the Zigra... bowl of froot loops fish thing. Joel points out the fridge logic of this statement.*
Joel: How is he doing this underwater?
Joel: These Gamera movies are kinda.. weird.
*Kenny proves to be the only person with a real plan.*
Joel: Oh great, another pre-schooler saves Japan.
*Gamera plays ZIGRA LIKE A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT*
Crow: Oh please, say this isn't happening.
*Gamera throws away that rock, and starts dancing around all.. suggestively*
Servo: He's doing a strip! He's gonna take his shell off.
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Season Three Episode Seventeen: The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent w/short The Home Economics Story Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
The Short's Plot Synopsis: Kay wants to go to Iowa State College and major in home economics. She and her friends have a great time in school and learn about the diverse careers that a home economic degree can lead to!
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: A group of lonely Viking women build a ship and set off across the sea to locate their missing menfolk, only to fall into the clutches of the barbarians that also hold their men captive. I'm sure there's more plot, but this being a Roger Corman flick, you can expect lots of walking scenes and pointless crap.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel really likes waffles, and has made a whole lot of waffles. He tries to convince the Bots and Magic Voice of all the wonderful things he can do with his waffles.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel is still going on his Pro-Waffle agenda. The Mads Meat Re-Animator brings a dead chicken back to life. Joel makes an iron that turns waffles into pancakes. Dr. Forrester wonders if he's gone too far.
Segment Two: Joel decides to re-program the Bots to love waffles as much as he does. I'm pretty sure the Bots are jonesing now.
Segment Three: Joel: Waffles. OH WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!
Segment Four: Tom Servo wonders if there should be a world with no more waffles. Willy the Waffle (Crow) presents the ideas of a waffle-free world. Willy the Waffle shows a 'world' with no waffles (beep boop.)
Ending Segment:Sing along with Joel and the Bots' brand spankin' new song... The Waffle Song! Dr. Forrester is getting tired of all the waffle talk. He then shocks Frank for saying waffles.
Stinger: "But you don't understand! I'M A PRINCE!"
Review:
Why is it that movies with long titles tend to be so terrible? Sure, Dr. Strangelove is an exception, but that is the only notable exception to my previous statement that I can think off. Is there another?
The short just seems perfect for riffing. The movie, a Roger Corman production, is what you expect. The riffing is pretty good, and the host segments take a nice turn to being about a strangely familiar obsession over waffles and a Willy the Waffle. Hm. Overall, pretty good episode from season three. 7/10
Trivia: Willy the Waffle sounds (and acts like) Coily the Spring Spring Sprite. This shouldn't be coincidental, considering the writers wanted to riff A Case of Spring Fever for years, but couldn't get the rights until Season Ten when it was riffed before Squirm.
Another (relatively) minor note is that the movie that JatBs are watching in the theater during the intro has changed from The Crawling Eye to Godzilla vs. Megalon.
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
(For Some bizarre reason, I accidentally deleted the favorite riffs from S3E15 - Teenage Cave Man. This is simply a repost for that movie.)
Favorite Riffs (Short 1):
*A group of kids are water skiing for the first time*
Narrator: This is positively the first time for this bunch.
Crow: So you know they're gonna fail.
*We see a shot of the teacher of the above kids*
Servo: This is the teacher, Chad Slabbody. Hello Chad.
*A group of female water skiiers let go of the boat*
Narrator: See you later, girls!
Joel: Miles from the dock, and they can't swim!
*A skier shows off his board jumping*
Narrator: Notice his arms don't rotate like in snowboard jumping.
Crow: His arms just come clean off.
Narrator: This time the Mexican Jumping Bean will do a one and a half spin while..
Servo (quietly): Mexican Jumping Bean?
Crow: This time the white facist announcer will make a racial slur.
Servo (as Announcer): What do I know? I'm just a fat, pink announcer mowing down pretzels and cookies and trying tor come to grips with a wonderful life gone horribly wrong.
Favorite Riffs (Short 2):
*Ross the animal catcher is trying to catch a wildcat*
Ted the Narrator: This is where my boyfriend knows his stuff.
Servo: You don't have to say anymore, Ted.
*Ross chases down a baby bear cub*
Joel: Man, what I'd do to see that cub's mom coming through right now.
*Ross climbs a tree and tries to catch another bear cub. He steps on it's paw, making it scream in pain*
Crow: Joel, do they do this on Earth?
Servo: Isn't that wrong?
Joel: I feel deeply ashamed of my race.
Servo: Rightfully so.
*Ross cleans himself off with a towel after catching the cubs*
Servo: Ross tries to wipe away the evil, but it's not happening.
Narrator: In the Everglades, six feet of diamondback. Enough to scare you out of your skin.
Joel: Let's not forget who the real evil serpent is.
*A bear 'escapes', and we get footage of it's recapture (from underwater)*
Joel: Oh, they just so happen to be shooting footage underwater at the time.
Joel: We'd like to apologize to everyone, everywhere for this.
Favorite Riffs (Movie):
Narrator: In the beginning there was chaos...
*A bright light shines amidst the 'chaos'*
Crow: Oh, and then God showed up.
*One of the Cave Man talks to Symbol Maker's Teenage Son (aka THE MAIN CHARACTER)*
Servo: Look, he's got a saggy diaper that leaks.
Grumpy old Cave Man: When the fire comes back in the sky...
Joel: You mean morning?
*Teenage Son and a few other characters walk around a forest, presumbly nude.*
Crow: I know I left clothes around here somewhere..
Servo: You know, I could go for a chared grill hamburger sandwich and some french fried potatoes.
*We see the movie's 'monster for the first time.'*
Joel: It's me! It's Trumpy!
Servo: Oh yeah...
Caveman: On the sun's third rising..
Crow: We'll call it Wednesday.
*Robert Vaughn (the lead actor) seems to have invented the bow after he konks his noggin on a tree branch*
Crow: So let me get this straight, he knocks himself out and he becomes smart?
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Eighteen: Star Force: Fugitive Alien II Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: The Earth's oldest spaceship Bacchus 3 of Space Command, with Captain Joe, pilot Rocky, navigator Dan, morale officer Tammy, Billy, and former Star Wolf Ken, as well as Colonel Yurulin whom they rescued from prison in part one, head to Saysar, the Colonel's home world. They plan to sabotage a weapon there that can destroy an entire planet.
Along the way temperatures rise as they must confront a black hole, a meteorite, and a just-about-to-explode star. They succeed in their mission, but the Colonel is killed, when he races back to prevent the secret weapon from being destroyed.
The crew of the Bacchus 3 travels to a fresh planet seeking yet another weapon, one that can destroy the entire universe. This plot line is soon jettisoned when Ken spies someone who looks exactly like his mother. It turns she is part of a trap set by the Kabuki Darth Vader manque Lord Halkon, evil genius ruler of Ken’s planet Valna Star, who was last seen in part one ordering the destruction of Earth and all its inhabitants.
Ken and Lord Halkon have it out, both on the ground and in spaceships, and the Kabuki Darth is seemingly killed when his spaceship crashes. The Bacchus 3 takes off again, but Ken tells the rest of the crew that he is returning to Valna Star to make it into a better place for all Kens everywhere.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The Bots have their weekly discussion on the nature of puppets (and their symbiotic relationship to man.)
Segment One/Invention Exchange: Joel quizzes the Bots on various puppets. The Mads have large silly noses for their Invention Exchange. Joel invents a big head.
Segment Two: Servo breaks down in the theater, and it is up to Joel and Crow to save him from certain death.
Segment Three: JatBs make a commercial for the Captain Joe 'action' figure. He swaggers, staggers, and even talks!
Segment Four:JatBs perform the Fugitive Alien Medley.
Ending Segment: The Bots consult Leonard Maltin's movie guide for suggestions for the Mads, the crew designs a new villain for the movie, letters are read, and TV's Frank loves baby ducks.
Stinger: Ken can fix it!
Review:
The "sequel" to Fugitive Alien, this movie is about as chopped to pieces as that one. The plot is stupid, the dubbing silly and the riffs awesome.
I really enjoyed this episode. After Mighty Jack, I thought I was going to tear my hair out if I had to watch another TV show turn bad movie, but this was pretty enjoyable. Might be because there wasn't five hundred different characters with no names, or because it actually made a little sense! Overall, a great compliment to the first movie, though I felt the first one was better, this is good too. I'd recommend both, at least. 8.5/10
Trivia: I'm sure the more savvy people reading this will know that I'm going to say this was a KTMA episode. Unfortunately, this is one of three KTMA episodes that have never been found, so aside from the master tapes, are thought to have been lost.
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Nineteen: War of the Colossal Beast w/short Mr. B Natural Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
The Short's Plot Synopsis: A sexually androgynous spirit of music teaches Buzz Turner how to be cool. There is much confusion abound.
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: A mysterious series of food-truck robberies makes government officials doubt that the 60-foot tall Colossal Man is dead. He is discovered in a desolate mountain range in Mexico, insane and horribly disfigured. The military drugs him and transports him back to America, where he promptly escapes and wreaks havoc on a city. Also, the Colossal Beast has a sister now, despite us being told in the first movie he had NO family.
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs create new Mexican foods. Try some Spicey(sp?) Peachy Battered Chonga, Chickeny Gatorade Arito, or Del Grande Cheesy Beefy Blue Steak Tacos! Hey, that last one doesn't sound half bad...
Segment One/Invention Exchange: They come up with a few more Mexican Food dishes. I'm not sure if I'd want to try the Curly Joe Doritos. The Mads make the Breakfast Bazooka, and Joel uses sweet snacks and makes a Between-Meal Mortar.
Segment Two: The Bots debate whether Mr. B Natural is actually male or female. Crow is for the female side, while Servo is for male.
Segment Three: JatBs sing with the big head (from the last episode) when Glen (Mike Nelson, again) drops by.
Segment Four: KTLA predicts the future (the name of the TV Station in the movie) It's extremely random.
Ending Segment: JatBs partake of drugged bread because of the movie, letters are read by JatBs and Glenn. (Hilariously, the letter Glenn reads notes that Joel is their favorite.) TV's Frank enjoys some thorazine waffles.
Stinger: Mr. B Natural prances around.
Review:
Mr. B Natural is not only one of the most infamous shorts ever shown on Mystery Science Theater it is also one of the most popular. So much so that when Best Brains Inc. (the owners of MST3K) released a set of shorts on VHS/DVD, they called it Mr. B's Lost Shorts. One thing I've always wondered is why didn't they try an all-short episode of MST3K? Now that would have been hilarious.
The movie itself is also really good, but is unfortunately overshadowed by the short. The movie is dull (aside from about five minutes or so of Glenn attacking things) and the actors bad. Honestly, I don't know how they made a sequel that could be filled with more plot holes than you can shake a stick at, none of the original actors, and more dull than a pocket knife. At least it makes for some good riffing! 9.5/10
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Twenty: The Unearthly w/shorts Posture Pals and Appreciating Our Parents Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
Short 1's Plot Synopsis: Four children decide to better themselves through posture, with help from their teacher Ms. Martin. Tommy wants to have good health, Jimmy wants to stand straight and tall, Jane wants to grow tall, and Mary wants to look pretty. All four children have great posture in the end, but did they really win when you think about it?
Short 2's Plot Synopsis: This is the story of a boy named Tommy, who can't do anything for himself. He rethinks his symbiotic relationship with his parents, and decides to become a "team player". And, he finds out what Mom and Dad do after he goes to bed...
The Movie's Plot Synopsis: Professor Charles Conway (Carradine) is a mad scientist attempting to develop the proverbial fountain of youth by creating "the 17th gland". Ignoring all aspects of scientific ethics, his research subjects are people who have no family and are under the impression that Conway can cure their depression. However, his research hasn't been successful and his subjects are turned into grotesque zombies. Some of Conway's patients begin to catch on to his scheme and intend to stop him. Also, Tor Johnson is in this flick. Yep. It was written by Ed Wood.
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs decides to make an entry for America's Goofiest Home Video.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: After the botched video recording, Crow is identified by his dental records, the Mads demonstrate some hard pills to swallow, and Joel and the Bots create a random assortment of celebrity-inspired products.
Segment Two: The Bots learn how to appreciate Gypsy in the same vein as the short they watched.
Segment Three: JatBs do a tribute to the Many Faces of Tor Johnson. Joel thought they were talking about John Carradine.
Segment Four: The Bots make up their own board game out of the leftovers from other board games, and model it after the twisted house from the film.
Ending Segment: : Joel and the Bots read a letter in the style of the Dead End Kids, and even Dr. Forrester even gets into the act with his Leo Gorcey impression.
Stinger: Tor announces it is "Time for go to bed!"
Review:
The shorts are both really good. Both have a pretty basic message that I'm sure kids would have been taught by their parents before they were old enough to actually watch this education piece.
The movie is your standard B-Movie. Mad Scientist tries to create an anti-aging 'gland' to live forever. Mad Scientist.. Looking young forever.. This sounds very familiar.. Oh well. I'm sure that movie didn't have Bela Lugosi in it. Nope.
The riffing was really good for all three films, though I did like the riffing in the shorts a bit better. The host segments were enjoyable, especially the 'tribute' to Tor Johnson. All in all, another good episode in an already great season. 8.5/10
Favorite Riffs (Short 1):
*We get a silloute of a girl showing off her posture*
Joel: My name is Sally. I'm a snackoholic.
Bots: Hi Sally.
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Twenty-Two: Master Ninja I Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
Plot Synopsis: Another TV Show turned Movie, this 'movie' involves an old man (Lee Van Cleef), a former World War II vet who stayed in Japan and learned to become a Ninja Master, and his hot-headed American apprentice (Tim Van Patten) travel around with a gerbil in a van looking for the Ninja's daughter and helping out people in trouble. Any similarities with ANOTHER 80's show about a group of vets in a van helping people is totally coincdental and definitely not something this TV series ripped off. Nope.
Host Segments:
Prologue: The Bots make up their own model car, and Magic Voice is a bit cranky.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The Mads make Boil-In-A-Bag IVs, while Joel and the Bots make adult-oriented pop-up books. Dr. Forrester tries to smother TV's Frank with a pillow.
Segment Two: Crow discusses the conspiracy that is the Van Patten Project.
Segment Three: JatBs have a war of background music.
Segment Four: JatBs demonstrate alternatives forms of nunchucks.
Ending Segment: JatBs start their own funk-fusion action band to chase away the bad movie blues, and create the Master Ninja Theme Song. Frank turns things around and tries to smother Dr. Forrester.
Stinger: Timothy Van Patten admits confusion, "To them it’s some kind of ritual."
Review:
What a really strange TV Sho- er.. Movie. It is strange to see Lee Van Cleef play a ninja (well, most of the time.) Not to mention seeing one of the best directors HBO has as some mumble-mouth hero. Oh, and don't forget the gerbil and van.
The riffing was really strong for this episode, I felt. Lots of laugh out loud moments. Since this show was made in the middle of the 80's, the riffing definitely enhances the show, but you can tell the TV Series is as hilarious without Joel and the Bots there. The host segments I thought were pretty good too, and I particularly enjoyed The Mads trying to smother each other. All in all, a great episode. 9/10
Trivia: It appears that the big scene where Max confronts Christensen in his office building is actually the same building they shot Die Hard in. Oh man, talk about a missed riff. Another thing to note is that instead of the usual ending credits song, we get the Master Ninja Theme Song.
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Servo: Too late did he learn man was a feeling creature...
*A bunch of bikers get on some bikes and start to chase down Max (Van Patten*
Crow: Oh, we're in Deadwood, South Dakota. (This riff's a lot funnier now because Van Patten actually directed a few episodes of Deadwood.)
*Lee Van Cleef shows off his skills by destroying an overhead light and a few arcade games. He then intimidates a cowboy playing pool and gets his pool cue*
Servo (as Cowboy): Good thing I'm not a cigarette machine. This guy would've kicked my butt.
*Mr. Trumball (Claude Akins) walks into his office after chatting it up some evil guy named Kyle.*
Joel: Say what you want. but Claude Akins has a nice rump.
Servo: Huh, what do you know..
*Akins then turns around and looks at the camera*
Crow (as Mr. Trumball): You guys talking about my butt? Ah, you crack me up. I've seen your show.
Servo: D'oh!
*Holly (Demi Moore) and Max share one of the least convincing kisses ever seen on the screen*
Servo: Lot of electricity in that, I'll tell you.
Crow: Wow he got paid to kiss Demi Moore!
Servo (under his breath): Lot of people have..
*Max and Master McCallister chat it up*
Max: Do I call you 'Master'?
Master: It has a ring to it..
Servo: So does a bathtub.
*The Master explains why he never went home after World War II*
Master: After the war, I had a ticket home but nowhere to go.
Crow: Why didn't you go home?
Master: Something about the tranquility ..
Joel: The tranquility of post-war Japan?!
*The Master demonstrates some awesome skills by hoisting himself up on a suspended rope.*
Joel: Sure. That's Van Cleef, right? He could barely hoist himself into the van.
Crow: No, this is Lee Van Petite.
*During the second part (next episode) of Master Ninja*
Joel: Where's Demi Moore? This movie's gone off in a completely different direction!
*The Master climbs up a telephone pole*
Crow: I wouldn 't touch this movie with a twelve foot pole.
*A wheelchair bound character, Jill, gets up, using canes, only to fall over. The Master watches on.*
Joel: Ah! She's been shot!
Servo: Lee, youc an jump in at anytime.
Max (Voiceover): I knew they'd get me on the tight rope..
Servo: Timothy Van Patten: Master of the Non Sequitor Voiceover.
Joel: That was a weird movie. Demi Moore and Claude Akins were there for half of it then disappeared an-
Servo: Joel, when are you going to stop living a lie?! This wasn't a movie, it was a TV show strung together?!
Joel: ... Really?
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Twenty-Three: The Castle of Fu Manchu Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
Plot Synopsis: In the 1920s England, Fu Manchu plots to freeze the world's oceans with a diabolical new device. He shows off his invention by destroying the Titanic via stock footage. With his evil daughter, Lin Tang, his army of dacoits, and the help of the local crime organization led by Omar Pashu (whom Fu Manchu doublecrosses), Fu Manchu takes over the governor's castle in Istanbul which has a massive Opium reserve, to control the largest opium port in Anatolia, a fuel for his machine. He needs the help of an intelligent scientist with an ailing heart whom he has imprisoned so kidnaps a doctor and his wife to give him a heart transplant from one of his obedient servants. Opposing him from Britain's Interpol, is his arch-nemesis Nayland Smith and Dr. Petrie.
Host Segments:
Prologue: Joel and the Bots sings a jaunty tune about their situation. They are optimistic about the whole thing.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The crew celebrates with a wrap party. The Bots create a new Long-Distance Telephone Transducer when Joel forgets the invention and re-presents the Big Head, something the Mads point out. The Mads create a Stinky Bomb that turns anyone into Joe Besser (including Frank, who does a pretty damn good impression of my least favorite Stooge.)
Segment Two: Crow tries to present his sardonic editorial on the Miss Saigon Syndrome, only to break down partway through it. The Mads are delighted with the data.
Segment Three: The crew tries to do the Shriner Flying Carpet sketch, only to have Tom Servo burst into tears. The Mads order out for a victory dinner.
Segment Four: Joel tries to cheer the Bots up by explaining who Fu Manchu really is via artist renderings, only to succumb to the horror of the film. The Mads celebrate with pie, believing success is inevitable.
Ending Segment: The spirit of JatBs is utterly broken, and try to read a letter, but completely fail. In a show of power, the Mads toast to their triumph. Joel then challenges them to riff the film themselves, and the Mads fail miserably. JatBs win again!
Stinger: A castle guard falls to ninja guys.
Review:
What a terrible movie. It's bad enough we got Christopher Lee of all people in yellowface, but why do we got stock footage from some random Titanic movie (in black and white while this movie is in color) in this flick? Why is Fu Manchu the most dull villian ever? Why why why?! WHY THE **** AM I STILL DOING THIS ****?! Oh, this is the only one I got to watch? Oh good.
The riffs are funny, and it's fun to watch as everyone eventually breaks down in tears during the host segments but damn.. This movie is tough to watch. It's not the worst of Season Three (not by a long shot) but I wouldn't want to watch this movie again. If this movie wasn't so damn dull it would be a great riffable episode. 5.5/10
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
Season Three Episode Twenty-Four: Master Ninja II Network: Comedy Central Riffers: Tom Servo, Joel Robinson, and Crow T. Robot Mads: Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank
Plot Synopsis: The first half of the "movie" deals with the Master McCallister and Max helping a cute country girl form a union at her warehouse and fight off the corrupt owners. The second segment has the two helping another cute girl and her rich father fight against terrorists who want to do something evil (although exactly what is a mystery). The duo get additional help, defeat terrorists, and rescue some hostages. George Lazenby shows up.. as James Bond?
Host Segments:
Prologue: JatBs improv using suggestions from Gypsy (at Cream of Wheat, doing Peter Gabriel and Anger walks in). Magic Voice doesn't approve.
Segment One/Invention Exchange: The Mads are trying their own improv bit, but Frank screws it up. The Mads have invented a Conveyor-belt buffet, as well as a Lucy sketch, apparently. Joel and the Bots invents the Gerbilsphere 2.
Segment Two: The Bots show off their ideas for custom vans.
Segment Three: Crow is General Timothy Van Patton, though the segment doesn't last THAT long..
Segment Four: Tom explains how different detective and other crime-fighting type characters should have pets suited to them.
Ending Segment: Playing with a Lee Van Cleef foam core dress up doll and reading a letter from a film student. TV's Frank plead the viewers to petition ABC for the return of The Second Hundred Years (which is based on the appearance of one of the actors from that show appearing in Master Ninja.) We end up with Dr. Forrester crushing TV Frank's skull with an anvil.
Stinger: Lee Van Cleef looks smug while holding a gerbil.. It sorta make sense in context.
Review:
The riffing was better in this episode than first one, believe it or not. The host segments, not so much. Yeah, there were a few funny bits, but I enjoyed Master Ninja I's host segments a bit more. Overall though, I'd say this equals the first episode in terms of rating it. Better riffs, slightly weaker host segments, but still very very good, and a strong ending to a great season. 9/10
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.
*Max meets up with his old biker buddy, Hoss, at a racetrack, though at first they act like they aren't friendly, then hug*
Servo (as Master): Damn, I injected him with blowfish poison!
Hoss: *Mumbles something semi-coherent*
Crow: They must've went to speech class together.
*Max flirts with a biker girl named Carrie that beat him at bike racing*
Max: So how bout a victory party?
Servo (as Max): I got a gerbil!
Master: I don't usually see them walk away from you.
Servo: They usually run screaming.
*Carrie walks into the boss's office after a worker is injured on the Job. Ralph (the boss) Looks somewhat similar to..*
Joel: Wilford Brimley: Safecracker
*Lee Van-- The Master demonstrates his ability to stop his heart briefly. Max is bemused*
Master: It's the same technique that allows a Zulu warrior to chase a gazalle for 50 miles...
Joel: On a pogo stick.
*Lester, some evil guy, and The Master chat it up while in a bar.*
Lester: You guys passing through?
Master: You talking to me?
Lester: What's it look like?
Joel: Well you do that funny eye..
*During a bar fight, The Master knocks some mook out so hard he flies across the room*
Joel: Whoa, must've really springboarded him.
Servo: Grandpa Ninja saved the day!
*Max, Master, and Carrie drive off in Max's van*
Carrie: My parents died in a car accident.
Joel (as Max): That's nice.
*Shot of a bunch of workers in a meat factory*
Servo (As worker): What's weird is this is a Chrysler's plant. I don't know what all this meat is doing here..
*Max and Master are trying to drive away from the bad of the... 1st portion of this movie and his thugs. They are on a bike, in an shipyard, with lots of open space, yet stick very close to the folks chasing them*
Servo: Why don't they just turn to the right?
*After saving the daughter of a senator, they are invited to some swanky party, where they have to wear tuxedos*
Max: Feels like I'm back at my high school prom.
John/Master: I hope your date was better looking than me.
Servo: That's a sure bet.
Max: She had the longest legs and the greenest eyes...
Joel: But that's it.
*A ninja star is thrown in the direction of the Master, thrown by one of his rivals.. I think*
Crow (as Master): Damn, guess I'm not the only ninja here.
*Max is flying a plane that he somehow managed to get*
Servo: Ator?! No!
-- Vote in the Best Wrestling Theme Song Contest! In the not too distant future/Next Sunday A.D.