Lurker > turbopuns3

Didn't read the responses closely but I do recall something to the effect of "it's not a good thing if the algorithm is recommending anti-cancel culture videos"

Well, dumbass, the reason that popped up probably had something to do with the fact I'd spent dozens of hours listening to LGBTQ content creators talk about their perspectives, and a quarter of what they use their breath for is convincing their listeners that cancel culture isn't real.

This will be my last post on this website. To quote someone I have a lot of respect for: It is over. I'm done talking about it.

It was a good run. This won't be like the other times. I'm not closing my account in a rage and all that. Just walking away. I don't need this shit.

also frankly when I go something close to a month without making a single post on this website, and then when I say one thing I get instantly met with "why do you keep doing this" as if I'm just constsantly harassing people all the time, kinda off-putting tbh!

I get where you're coming from though, and here's my good faith answer:

When I myself heard for the first time the full Chappelle special on its own, I had this feeling in my heart that what he was doing was not hateful, but an attempt to promote positive change in the world.

I had a lot of ignorance in me, and etc. etc. I said things that caused pain for others and I didn't like that but at the end of the day I had to acknowledge that my words had hurt others.

I spent time thinking about it, reflecting, etc. and concluded that ultimately, yes I'd hurt people whether I meant to or not.

Therefore I apologized and recognized my shortcomings here.

At the same time, part of me was like "I still think Dave isn't necessarily a jerk" but I was struggling to put into words how my view of that made sense.

Trevor helped me conceptualize all that. Yes maybe Dave made a misjudgment here or there but his aim wasn't bad. And when I first heard his comedy without bias, my reaction was to think it was fine and good because of all this laundry list of reasons I appreciated comedy.

This just helped me to re-center myself and remember that yes maybe his choice of subject was a bit off or whatever but I'm not a literal complete nutjob asshole lunatic for thinking a man has a right to stand up and tell jokes.

Idk it was like, a reminder that I'm not quantifiably an asshole for coming from where I come from.

(What I'm saying is - I literally said nothing about Chappelle or anything but you made it about that. And that's...kind of a point Chappelle made.)

The more relevant point is why do you think this has anything to do with Chappelle?

Seriously.

Holy smokes for once in history the YouTube algorithm killed it with a recommendation for me. A year old, but I literally needed to hear this.

https://youtu.be/an3G7F6k6GU

If anyone here is wondering, no, I havent read any posts since I shared that video. Ive continued to feel like a pile of dog poop since making it. I un-registered for the final round of the virtual diplomacy league 2021 because my emotions are in no place to be playing a negotiation game.

I said quite a lot that was wrong in ways I couldnt properly see until after I worked through it and experienced the emotional response it produced in my gut that hasnt gone away for days.

I read Wil Wheatons Facebook post from a few days ago telling the story of him at a young age embarrassing himself and learning not to use the F slur for gay people. I have a very similar story with that same exact word picked it up from a comedian, used it once, the whole room reacted, I felt like I was the size of an ant and wanted to disappear. I stopped using the word completely that very day, and I still can remember the shame just like Wil describes. The only real difference is he said it in a room full of gay people and I said it in a room full of straight people who just happened to have way more sense than I did, so my humiliation probably wasnt nearly as great as Wils, but still. It did the job. That word is not okay.

Somehow - some fucking how it had never occurred to me in the front of my mind prior to this evening that I had no comparable experience with trans people. As in, Id never been in the room when it happened. I never had that moment or witnessed that moment for anyone else where a trans person was attacked and I felt that sinking feeling. I have specific, emotional memories of the horrible feeling when someone is being horribly racist to a black person right out in the open. I can close my eyes and think about that feeling. Specific memories, etc. Same thing with gay people, numerous times. But never with trans people (despite the fact Ive known a few and spent more than just a few hours with them).

I was doing the literal thing I said people online offended by The Closer were doing a.k.a. maybe if you had more life experience with people in that demographic you would understand better. Hello? Earth to Steven? What makes you think you understand the strife of trans people when youve never seen it first hand?

I dont even know where to begin to properly address all the various ways Ive messed up.

I am currently just trying to deal with the fact that Ive inevitably hurt people.

What got me started into this whole conversation was just that crappy urge to be correct on the internet that I think most of us can relate to in some capacity. I didnt turn up to just spread hate and hurt people. Just some typical white male ego trying to be the shit or whatever, on a topic the depth of which I couldnt see. I hope at the very least, it doesnt go down in history that my direct response to the particularly problematic jokes from the special was just oh, whats the matter? Cant take a joke about your genitals? Because I will readily admit (as you see) that Ive been wrong and a jerk and reckless and just awful. But I never thought the sentiment of just suck it up, buttercup made sense my whole thing was more along the lines of like, hey, I get that joke X hurt your feelings, but I feel like youre putting the whole man into a box based on that one joke and its slanting every single thing he says in your mind because you have no respect for him any more. So it was more like, I saw people on a scale of 1 to 10 being 11 angry, when like, if all the misinformation, slander, charged headlines, biased blog posts, etc. etc. werent so rampant and if the hurtful parts didnt close peoples ears to him, theyd be closer to like a 7 angry, or something?

At the end of the day, Im wrong and its a whole lot simpler to just be like yo, all this shit is unnecessary than to wear myself out for a whole month doing research to construct a huge point about how like one thing he said shouldnt be quite as offensive as it was taken.

I want to be an ally and make better decisions. I hope, though I have no doubt I said harmful things during that reflection, that people can see that the reason I put myself out there in the raw for a hundred minutes is that while yes that might cause some lesser collateral damage, at least it helps you to see me making an honest effort to understand. Because I do care. And in a similar fashion to how when I see or feel such discrimination with my own eyes and ears, maybe seeing and hearing a random white dude you'd already put into a box based on forum posts might help you understand people like me better too (the ones who are earnestly trying and just dangerously ignorant).

I dont feel like saying Im sorry will help a ton, but Im sorry. Im going to continue being sorry for a long time.

If we could wave a magic wand that had the power to restructure the views of every cishet white dude in the U.S., the lives of all marginalized people would collectively improve. Regrettably, the actual road to that future is going to be full of potholes. Its probably going to look like millions of instances of what I put on display the past several days.

Whats done is done. I cant unsay what Ive already said, but I can do better. Heres to hoping that a revolution is born from all the fallout. Thats the only thing I can think about that makes me feel an ounce less shitty about everything right now.