Lurker > Jeff_AKA_Snoopy

Pudding just weeping at the end.

I'll be waiting.

Ohhh fuck, now Germa helping out?!?! Love it!

I'm not the biggest fan of Whole Cake Island on the whole but it has great moments.

And Raiju guys. T_T

Thanks Pekoms! XD

I'm up to 870 now, the intro to Snake Man

That is fair. The assignment from my therapist was to make sure I didn't caveat, I didn't hedge, I didn't rationalize. Just kinda express my anger.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/6/674ab724.jpg

This was us back in 2012. ^_^

bsp77 posted...

Have some empathy. I can't imagine what Jeff has been through, and I can see how this is legit and good to externalize.

It definitely wasn't easy to do. Made me cry at times as I wrote it, scared to death to start, scared to share it, but that is part of the process I would imagine. I'm doing as my therapist suggests and I read it every day. The ultimate goal I think is to be comfortable with those negative emotions and realize that they should not be a source of shame and that the negative realities of the relationship I chose to be in won't change the love, respect, and admiration I have for my wife.

It's scary as hell and challenging to say the least, but I'm going to do as my therapist recommends.

spriga posted...

Wtf.

Yeah. When you internalize everything negative about a relationship and develop tremendous shame in those feelings, you need to do some exposure therapy and you have to really be negative.

Here is my letter to Lindsay. My therapist told me to face what made me angry about our relationship. No caveats, no rationalizing and justifying, nothing complimentary. All negatives and things that made me mad in our relationship. So... this is gonna be different than how I typically write. It was cathartic, it was important, and I came across some really raw and real emotions in doing this. I'm supposed to read it like daily, out loud, for awhile.

************************************

Dear Lindsay,

Im Mad

I am mad you chose to die. You gave up rather than being with me for longer. Not only did you choose to die, you gave up long before you died. You stopped trying to help our partnership. You gave up on yourself and thus you gave up on us. I tried so fucking hard every single day to make sure you had everything you possibly could. All that hard work for someone who selfishly decided to just stop? I wasnt worth trying harder for? I never stopped, not once. You reaction to that was to question why I would do it? Tell me I should stop, I should back away if it was too hard? That you were just going to let me down. You let me down because you stopped trying and that pisses me off.

Im mad that you made me choose between you and my family. Yeah, they made some mistakes in trying to work around your allergies. Thats called being human. You cast them off before you ever really got to know them and then I end up choosing between being with you or being with them? All I ever fucking wanted was for you to come over, spend time with them. I know you enjoyed it so why make me choose? Was it to punish them? Was it to ensure that you were always my number one priority? You knew how important my family was to me and you ALWAYS made it seem like such a fucking chore. WHEN YOU HAD FUN WHEN YOU WERE THERE!!! What in the hell is that? I gave up so much for you and yet you couldnt find it in yourself to be uncomfortable for a few hours every now and then? We spent Christmas there and that was basically it. Maybe a birthday here and there. Thats selfish. You were being selfish.

I'm so mad and sad that none of my family really got to know you and that was all your fucking fault. That a big part of your lasting legacy to all of them will be an unwillingness to just be more part of the family. That one hurts me a lot.

Im mad that I gave up so many things to be with you. I was so flexible and changed literally EVERYTHING in my life around for you. I did that for you and your comfort. I bought specific dates of food items for YEARS because each din was different and you would react differently. THAT is what I was willing to do for you. I would scour the whole fucking city looking for a specific manufactured date for your food because it made you comfortable. I looked like a fool for your comfort.

Everything was about you. I couldnt take care of myself properly because it would have taken away from your needs and wants. I was exhausted being the person that you needed me to be. I couldnt take care of myself and I felt I wasnt allowed to because that would have made ME the selfish person. We cant both be selfish at times if you are always the selfish one. And you never said a fucking word about it or tried to give me the opportunity to be the selfish one. You ALLOWED me to be the caregiver, breadwinner, emotional, physical, spiritual support. You HAPPILY allowed me to give up so many things so that you could be taken care of.

Im mad that we couldnt travel or experience so many things I wanted to experience with my partner and best friend. Yeah it sucked that we couldnt travel but even something as simple as a fucking concert. Youre too tired to go sit somewhere else instead of at home? Even if it was FOR ME? Maybe thats what angers me the most. I was willing to bend as far as humanly possible to give you the slightest more comfort and support. You greedily accepted that without giving it back. I think the last few years of your life you didnt even try.

Im mad that you became someone that you werent towards the end of your life. You allowed your ailments to win. Im mad that you became someone that I was willing to let go, that I needed to let go. You disappointed me and Im mad about that because I asked for so little. I could never be the selfish one EVER in our relationship. I couldnt ever just do something for me because what would that mean for you and what you needed and wanted. I gave of myself EVERYTHING and MORE! It wasnt an equal partnership, it wasnt fair, and for over ten years I gave and I gave and I gave and if I didnt give, your response was that I should just leave you. How dare you put me in that position? Im not even talking an equal partnership, which is what I deserved but never got, Im talking about affording me the opportunity to be greedy and selfish at any point. Give me something, anything!

Whether it was about my family, or a concert, or anything. I wanted to proudly show off my partner and wife to the world and you were too concerned with shutting yourself off to give me that simple request. I am mad to no end that at the end of our marriage, most people know you through stories I tell. They dont know US, they know what I tell them because you wouldnt let there be an US in public. Despite all your struggles I was proud of US. You were the sun and the moon to me. You astounded me and inspired me and I couldnt share that with the rest of the world because you wouldnt let me. You wouldnt be uncomfortable, unsure, unsteady in public to show off to the world your wonderful man. Your fucking dentist had more of a relationship with you than 95% of my family and friends.

I am mad that you were not willing to be frail, vulnerable, and take in life with me towards the end of your life. The fact that the end of OUR LIFE TOGETHER was all about me GETTING YOU TO THE FINISH LINE?! It wasnt about a bucket list, it wasnt about sharing unique experiences together, IT WASNT ABOUT US! It was about YOU and getting YOU to die in peace. It is so fucking selfish and I hate that you couldnt see it, wouldnt see it. We got to Vancouver and we did nothing there ON YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH because what if it impacted your ability to get MAID. Our last day on Earth together was about ensuring it would be your last day on earth. And you had the audacity to say that I didnt have to take you. That I could just watch you jump on a plane and never see you again. How did you not understand that every fucking second was so god damn important to me? How could you not know that?

I'm gonna copy-pasta some of my letter to Lindsay about what made me mad. There's some stuff in here that I didn't even really knew I had until I started just writing. It's a little emotional to say the least.

*****

Im mad that you became someone that you werent towards the end of your life. You allowed your ailments to win. Im mad that you became someone that I was willing to let go, that I needed to let go. You disappointed me and Im mad about that because I asked for so little. I could never be the selfish one EVER in our relationship. I couldnt ever just do something for me because what would that mean for you and what you needed and wanted. I gave of myself EVERYTHING and MORE! It wasnt an equal partnership, it wasnt fair, and for over ten years I gave and I gave and I gave and if I didnt give your response was that I should just leave you. How dare you put me in that position? Im not even talking an equal partnership, which is what I deserved but never got, Im talking about affording me the opportunity to be greedy and selfish at any point. Give me something, anything!

Whether it was about my family, or a concert, or anything. I wanted to proudly show off my partner and wife to the world and you were too concerned with shutting yourself off to give me that simple request. I am mad to no end that at the end of our marriage, most people know you through stories I tell. They dont know US, they know what I tell them because you wouldnt let there be an US in public. Despite all your struggles I was proud of US. You were the sun and the moon to me. You astounded me and inspired me and I couldnt share that with the rest of the world because you wouldnt let me. You wouldnt be uncomfortable, unsure, unsteady in public to show off to the world your wonderful man. Your fucking dentist had more of a relationship with you than 95% of my family and friends.

I am mad that you were not willing to be frail, vulnerable, and take in life with me towards the end of your life. The fact that the end of OUR LIFE TOGETHER was all about me GETTING YOU TO THE FINISH LINE?! It wasnt about a bucket list, it wasnt about sharing unique experiences together, IT WASNT ABOUT US! It was about YOU and getting YOU to die in peace. It is so fucking selfish and I hate that you couldnt see it, wouldnt see it. We got to Vancouver and we did nothing there ON YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH because what if it impacted your ability to get MAID. Our last day on Earth was about ensuring it would be your last day on earth. And you had the audacity to say that I didnt have to take you. That I could just watch you jump on a plane and never see you again. How did you not understand that every fucking second was so god damn important to me? How could you not know that?

I don't have any sort of delusions that things were perfect. My life in most ways is better since she passed. I had to live a certain restrictive way to be with her and keep her safe and comfortable. I have a freedom I just didn't have for nearly a decade.

I don't ever forget that. I think I don't ever "fault" her for things that were her fault. I am mad that she didn't make more of an effort to get to know my family for example. It hurt me that she made me choose between either time with her OR time with them, and not both.

My therapist tasked me with an assignment that kinda scares the shit out of me. But it's the reason I need to do it.

He wants me to make a letter to Lindsay expressing all the things I'm mad about. No caveats, no rationalizing, just things about our relationship that made me mad. Nothing flattering, nothing positive, all the negatives. Ideally I can create this, read it out loud often, and get myself past the shame I feel about expressing/feeling negative things about the relationship.

For example, I am mad that she chose to die. She made the ultimate selfish choice and that choice did anger me.

I feel icky even writing that down, but it is true. I think deep down what I'm afraid of is that if I open this up to just airing my grievances, that will be the ultimate legacy of this relationship. I need it to mean more than that. Through the exercise I am aiming to be real about all the bits that angered me and see that it doesn't impact the amazing elements of it... instead it lets me be real about everything and move past this shame I've developed as a coping strategy.

Guess who is at their therapist appointment this morning?

Also note - if you have the means, get a therapist. So essential for your health.

We typically didn't do much for Valentines Day in the first place so this "anniversary date" isn't really bugging me.

Might get something small for the colleague I like. Just to brighten her day since she is burning out a bit.

Feeling better today. I'm still gonna take that recent entry to my therapist appointment on Thursday and we shall do the thing.

I still have a lot of shame that I have internalized as a way to stop myself from expressing negatives about my relationship with Lindsay. I did it for like a decade so I suppose I can't just assume I will knock it off in a few months time. Something I gotta work on.

Zikten posted...

I hope you can find someone again. You deserve it. I'm sure you will eventually

I'm sure I will. It's frustrating to meet new people or know people who you would be really compatible with who are involved already, or not really interested in dating, that sort of thing.

Waddlez posted...

Sorry for your loss. I remember you posting prior to her passing. And then posting this topic. I've just lurked; I can't believe 6 months have already passed. I've gotta read this topic in full. I hope your healing is going ok.

I'm doing alright all things considered. December into January were 4 big dates that kinda impacted me more than I had anticipated. What would have been our anniversary, then Christmas, then New Years, and then what would have been her birthday. So January was a bit tough but I feel like I'm doing better here in February.

dummy420 posted...

Those are the real feelings that I can't pretend to understand. I'm glad you feel you can vent these feelings here because i know it has to be difficult. I wish you well and I wish I could offer more than just the support of an internet stranger.

It's difficult for me to speak negatively about the experience because I loved her so damn much. Legit if you told me this is how the story would play out when we started our relationship I'd have done it all over again. I know what we had was a rare kind of love despite all the tribulations that came with it.

I need to be more honest about those feelings. I think it's the only way I will be able to more appropriately heal and yes, move on. Not to say I haven't been trying. I've asked someone I know out for a date, I've enjoyed the company of some women I've met that I would pursue if they were single. I'm not without hope for it happening.

I think January was me being frustrated at the reality of it all. Seeing all my siblings with their loved ones, just enjoying life together. I'm frustrated that simple joy is gone for me right now.

February 8th, 2024

I'm mad.

I don't know any other way to really phrase it. Mad isn't exactly it and usually I am far more eloquent than this but I'm mad. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, all of it.

I'm mad that you left me. I've always insulated myself with a logic to all of this. Even now as I write this I realize how ridiculous that notion is. I'm mad that you were dying. I'm mad that you chose to die earlier than you had to. I'm mad that I fell in love with the most amazing woman in the world only for us to be able to be together for like... maybe a fifth of my life? Maybe less than that? You got a third of your life with me Lindsay. A THIRD of your life was spent with the man you loved, and I got way less than that.

I feel like a child whose mad that his piece of cake was smaller than his friends'.

I'm mad that I have to try to find something that even pales in comparison to what you gave me. Logically I know things were hard. I gave up so many things I wanted in my life to ensure that you and your complexity were taken care of. Now I have to search for someone who would ever make me feel like that again. Regardless of how healthy it was or what it did to me, that is how much I loved and adored you. And I know you felt the same because while I gave up so many things to be with you, you suffered for YEARS and YEARS to be with me. I'm mad that I had to give that up so quickly. I'm mad that it was the best option to make and I'm mad that I'm mad about it.

I'm disappointed in myself that this makes me mad. I know I'm allowed to feel feelings. I know I have to in order to heal and I don't fear feelings... but I trained myself for so long to push mine aside. What did it matter if it was difficult for me to take care of you when you had to LIVE through it? I experienced a tenth of the utter misery you experienced. I never wanted you to see my struggles because I know you would blame yourself. You told me constantly that I should leave you, that this was going to be a sad ending, that we wouldn't get to live together for decades. How could I ever begin to even talk with you about the struggles I went through when you would only blame yourself? So I trained myself to push my feelings aside, to ignore them, to shame myself for having them. I'm mad that is how I learned to deal with the worst of our situation and that anger still shames me to this day. I'm working on it, I have a meeting with my therapist in a week to work on it more. I spoke about this all with my mom for the first time today.

I don't typically talk with others about these feeling; the shame often stops me before I even start. I'm mad that we didn't get what we wanted. What we deserved. What so many others take for granted as being a given. I'm mad that I have to search for it all again. I'm mad that you got to die hand in hand with the love of your life and maybe I die alone.

And I'm mad I didn't get one more day with you despite it all.

There aren't a lot of games that get me just weepy. Telltale's Walking Dead S1 gets me.

To The Moon got me destroyed, yeah. I loved it.

Also Spiritfarer. Spiritfarer is really powerful.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

Beautiful...Simply beautiful.

Forgot to play that game.

You can get away with watching a Let's Play I feel like. It is powerful and affecting and I cried like a baby. Lol

Got up to 869 and I know Snake Man is coming next.

Yeah I just finished 865 and I've watched pretty much all of Wano with my wife before she passed (she almost got to Gear 5)

Had a weird experience with One Piece. My wife watched it a boat load and I didn't really pay much attention until Wano. I did watch all of Marineford with her cause that was REALLY good, but when they moved to Wano and the animation style changed I was like... alright, cool, I'll watch that.

Then I decided to try to catch up before she passed. I got into the early 800's before she passed and I watched all of Wano with her. So now I have maybe... I think like 40 episodes to go to be caught up?

mehmeh1 posted...

Oh hi JAKAS, miss your OP threads

I kinda stopped watching for a few months. I'm maybe getting back into it?

I'm still in Whole Cake. Of course Sanji won't let Beje poison the cake

February 3rd, 2024

I took the plunge you told me to take Lindsay. One day while I was at work Lindsay watched a playthrough of "That Dragon Cancer", a videogame about a couple's journey through finding out their child had cancer and what that meant for themselves, each other, their child. When I came home she told me just one thing about it. "After I die, some day, I want you to experience that game too. When you think you can handle it. I think you will need that. It is powerful, it is sad, but there is a beauty to it and you will need that"

Every person rationalizes loss and struggle in some way, shape, or form. Whether that is through faith and prayer, cold hard logic, nihilism, or a calm peace about the random elements of the universe. The game does a really good job of showing the experience for these two parents. One particular point in the game has the father trying to help his child as he cries and cries and cries. All he wants to do is to provide some peace for his child. The inner monologue in his head talks about how tired he is, how tired his young son is, and that he would give literally anything to allow his child to have a moment where he doesn't feel this way. He doesn't feel like everything in the world is terrible, awful, unfair.

You weren't my child Lindsay, but I think that feeling is so universal for anyone you love. I remember you waking up in the middle of the night to vomit, sometimes for an hour at a time. I would hold your hair back, get you something to drink. That duality of wanting to rest and sleep while also wanting to do anything you can to give the one you love any modicum of comfort and rest. That last long hospital visit, I would bring you a meal and see you every morning, work for eight hours, return home and cook you supper and bring it to you because they couldn't supply you food with your allergies. It was hard, it was tiring. I was exhausted... but I would have given anything to give you that love and support.

I did this for years. YEARS. And I know you wanted to do the same for me. You did in those moments I was sick, I was struggling. You helped me so much when I first heard that my brother had cancer. When his cancer returned. Even just a hard day at work, you provided me so much comfort. And I know a part of you truly believed that ending your struggle meant the end to my struggles. You knew I would give anything to make you feel even the smallest bit better because you felt the same about me. I know that you knew far before me that your time was coming way faster than I would have even feared.

I think you told me to watch that because you knew I would understand what spoke to you about the game. That I would understand the comfort you wished to give me and the peace you so happily accepted and embraced. Make no mistake about it, I will miss you forever. I will not miss seeing you struggle. I will not miss those late nights. I will miss sharing a love with someone so strong that made us both fight as hard as we had to, not the fight itself.

I think that was what you wanted me to see in the game.

Looking forward to a quiet weekend

I've had a rough day.

I woke up like normal, but when I left for work I noticed that I had blurriness in my one eye. I thought likely allergies or whatever, it will go away. It did not through the morning. I have a friend who works for an optometrist and I told him what was going on and he told me what I already knew, that one eye blurriness can be a sign of some bad shit and to come get checked out.

Something I haven't spoken of a lot in any of these topics is I do have... I dunno what it would be called. Medical Trauma? I lived for basically a decade in a position where my wife and I were constantly on alert and had to take every potential change in her health very seriously. She constantly researched and of course always found the bad stuff and focused on it. I tried my very best to get her away from that but with her terrible medical experiences and diagnoses it was just impossible to get her away from that.

I, in turn, panic a bit when my physical health starts doing things that MIGHT point to something bad. Knowing that this could be a sign of a stroke or a fucking embolism or any sort of thing like that? I can't stop myself from fixating a bit on it and freaking out. Went to see the optometrist, they are gonna refer me to a specialist because they found I have some welling in my optical nerve. Could be a bunch of different things so to make sure it isn't something inherently bad, it's good to see a specialist.

I've been trying really hard just to be calm and rational about it. I did good at the appointment and all, but now that I'm home I'm just breaking down into tears sometimes because of this fucking irrational fear that something bad is happening. I'm in the best shape of my life physically, but bad shit happens regardless. And then I feel like a foolish child for having this very understandable trauma that affects me now and then.

Took the rest of the day off because they dilated my eyes and I'm super sensitive to light right now (I'm wearing my sunglasses in my home) so hopefully as I rest my body will just come down and chill out. I lived in this constant state of medical fear for a decade, it's gonna take me time for my defenses to calm down. Thankfully I didn't have a panic attack, just kinda had my cries about my irrational fears once I got home... but the whole day was exhausting and draining.

January was tough but I'm feeling better this week. I am heading to Mexico in February too which will be wonderful.

Thanks for letting me vent in my own topic? XD

SHRlKE posted...

So complicated and emotive and I dont trust anyone who says they have all the answers because something of this magnitude is not black and white.

That exactly. Closing the door, kicking the can down the road, makes it a black and white issue, full stop. Any other answer than that is denying basic human autonomy for people who are suffering. People who don't want to suffer to a natural conclusion. I respect, oh my god do I respect, how difficult it can be to think that someone would be in so much pain and anguish that they would rather pass away. It's not a situation you ever want someone you love to be in, nor do you want to be watching someone go through it.

But closing the door takes away the decision making that medical practitioners and human beings should be in charge of. Make no mistake about it, getting MAID is not easy. It is not a simple thing, and denying people who "only have mental health issues" is reductive, insulting, and minimizes what living through those problems is telling someone to do. It diminishes mental health and the suffering people go through. Nobody is saying that they should make MAID "easy", but why is it that a physical illness is fine for people to want to end their suffering but not for mental illness?

I know the argument is "what about the 1% who do recover?" seems like a legitimate reason to just not allow the process... but it removes the autonomy of a human being to make that decision for themselves... and when it comes to mental illness, it could be the last time they can make decisions for themselves. Yes, you can argue that people who are suffering with intense side effects might in a moment of weakness make a decision they don't REALLY want to. It's why unless you have a physical condition where you have no hope of recovery (for example if you have aggressive Cancer and decide to stop treatment) you can't "just get MAID". You have to wait 90 days from starting the process. You have to have two medical doctors agree to your application and it is their job to ensure you have tried all the reasonable options before they will agree to your application.

There are people who are going into dementia, people who are crippled by mental health, who are going to continue to suffer without any hope of improvement. The only people who even could attempt to get MAID for mental health would be those who have legitimately tried everything that medical experts could think of/ask of someone to try. There are checks and balances built into it already that accounts for those concerns.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/medical-assistance-in-dying-mental-illness-delay-1.7098313

I have opinions that I will share later. I'm at work and this will take me some time.

January 29th, 2024

Ive had a tough month. I think the first tough month since the summer. Tough enough that my colleagues were asking how I was doing. They were worried as I seemed a little... off. Distant, distracted, stuff like that. The hell of it is I didnt even recognize it was a tough month until they asked me and I nearly started to cry as I told them that it would have been Lindsays birthday in January. Between the first Christmas, New Years, and her birth date without her I guess it was bound to impact me a bit.

Im not going to beat myself up about it or anything like that. No point to being disappointed in being human. As soon as I told them what January meant for me and where my mind was they understood immediately why it was impacting me. I simultaneously miss her more and less this month and I think that also makes me just kinda sad in general. I did a lot of things in January that I simply couldnt have done when Lindsay was alive and I had fun doing them. Between just deciding after work one day to go to the movies, inviting some friends over for wrestling fun, eating out places that I couldnt have if Lindsay was still with me... the prospect of moving on as it were is liberating and terrifying.

You also feel a sense of guilt. Despite my every intention of moving on, meeting new people, exploring an entirely new side of life that I richly deserve, there will always be that tiny voice in my head that makes me feel bad for taking advantage of my newfound freedom. Its ridiculous since it is exactly what Lindsay wanted for me. How strange that trying to do exactly what she wanted me to do would leave me feeling so confused.

So then the question becomes what is it that I ultimately want. I cant deny that what I want is someone very similar to Lindsay but is healthy and able to be a partner to me to take on the world. I think that is where my conflicted feelings come from? When a relationship ends typically it is due to someone wanting something to change. Wanting something different from their partner, their situation, whatever it is. That was not the case with Lindsay passing away. The only thing I wanted different was for her to be healthier so we could have more time together and she wanted the same. It was a very successful relationship that ended due only to the passing of one of the people in it.

As for it being a tough month, Im gonna assume that the big anniversaries will always be tough. Thankfully my tough was just some poor dietary choices, a little lack of self motivation, and not being as focused at work. I should count myself fortunate that is as far as my tough times get. Again to just add more confusion to it all, Im also proud of myself that all the hard work Ive done has allowed my bad month to be as calm as all that. Its been a month where I wasnt as strong as I would have liked to be and I wasnt as weak as I feared I could be. I think identifying that it was a bad month for me and moving forward has allowed me to get back on my feet and work a little harder to be who I know I can be.

She would be very proud of how Im doing so far. I imagine she would grab my hand in hers, pull me into a warm hug, and ask me why I expect so much from myself. She would pull a me and tell me to take the personal out of it. If I had a client, a friend, or just some random stranger going through what I am going through, would I expect them to just be good all the time? Of course not, that is a ridiculous notion.

Youre allowed to have more difficult times. Youre allowed to bend and not break. Youre allowed to feel, to be confused, to struggle a little. Its all OK. She would kiss me on the forehead and tell me it is all OK. Its all OK Jeff. Youll be alright even when youre not alright.

Went out to lunch with some friends and friends of friends, sparked up an awesome conversation with one of the ladies who I didn't know, but unfortunately for me she is seeing someone. It did give me a boost of confidence for sure that even with total strangers I can feel confident and be myself and have a good time.

Not that I've ever lacked for confidence but like, I dunno, this is kinda one of the first times since my wife passed that I went for it. It was fun and exciting and while it is a bummer that she is seeing someone, c'est la vie.

I honestly couldn't really be with anyone who would judge me for enjoying animation. It is a huge element of what I get joy out of.

And when you're close to 40 you kinda realize life is too short to stay with someone who is gonna judge you for how you spend your spare time.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

...Sen...pa-*gets shot*

Sure you wanna play this game? I mean...dating a co worker is hard mode - even more so with what you describe.

Ohhhh I'm not holding my breath about it. I'm gonna invite her to things and you know, if it works out it works out. If not, that happens too.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

Underestimated how hard it is to turn a GF into a weeb, or at least get her off of thinking cartoons are for kids.

My colleague I like definitely is a big Disney fan and does like OP, which means she is definitely someone I could weeb a little bit.

It's a little complicated with her. When we first met she was kinda my senior at work, but she moved around into some different parts of the company and I moved my way into management. I got to know her more as her boss technically before she moved into management with me.

I get the feeling she always will see me in that light? Like we work very well together and we have a good time and all that, but maybe that initial power disparity kinda weirds her out.

Well shit.

The Cineplex site had Cowboy Bebop airing tonight too but apparently that was an error. Since I was at the theatre I just went to see American Fiction instead cause it was starting at the same time. Excellent movie all things considered so no big loss.

While she is a big fan of One Piece and Disney, not as much anime in general, so sue politely declined.

I'm still gonna go watch the movie, just on my own. Maybe meet some other wonderful lady who also decided to check it out. ^_^

They are showing the Cowboy Bebop Movie in a theater here in town. Gonna ask my colleague and see if she wants to go with me. Few months ago I did ask her out and she said no, but... things change? XD

dummy420 posted...

I've never seen these. History was my favorite subject and a comedic take on it is great.

Tell me how many of their videos you end up watching this weekend. Lol

https://youtu.be/lsbcN9-jU1Y?si=D2X_wM3seiHL5uU0

My wife absolutely adored history and really enjoyed Oversimplified's videos. Lovely to see them with some new videos and I will watch them with great glee. ^_^

I think it's hard to say what your first major loss will be in your life, so it's not silly for it to have been a pet. I've had some pets in my life come and go and I guess my parents always prepared me for the fact that pets will not live as long as you want them to? Maybe it is arguably easier to rationalize since you kinda know that going into it? But I would never think it ridiculous for that to be the first major and effecting grief process of your life.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

It's so...wrong to think life just went on without those we love, and the adult's perception of time moving faster doesn't help.

I honestly think there is a certain beauty to the world moving on? That seems harsh but I guess I don't personally wanna be stuck in the same place I was a week after or even a month after.

It's REALLY weird to think that I've now been a widow for 6 months. Like... it doesn't feel like it's been that long at all but also 6 months is a decently long time too.

spikethedevil posted...

Only one big fight is damn good.

I mean, when your partner is limited and her health is deteriorating it puts a lot of things into perspective.

The only other thing we disagreed on somewhat often was she viewed my family making mistakes in accommodating her (she had a latex allergy and they would forget for a birthday party and have balloons for the kids) as a sign they didn't care about her.

I knew that wasn't the case and it was more a reflection of her own family having treated her like shit but my wife was working hard to focus on that with therapy too. So we would disagree but I wouldn't push her too hard on it.

We only got into a major fight ONCE. I was not entirely forthcoming about our financial situation, mostly because I didn't want her to worry. She couldn't work a lot and due to her medical conditions there was a lot of increased costs just in general to take care of her day after day.

I told her not to worry about it until basically I had about 12k on my credit card without having told a single soul without a way to deal with it. I ended up eating crow and going to my parents who helped to bail us out.

After that point I froze my credit card until I felt more responsible and we talked openly about finances. I know in some ways it hurt her to be more in the know of how difficult things were for us financially, but I promised her that day I would never lie to her again.

We would have spirited debates about anime and other silly shit like that, but that was the only BIG argument we got into.

Definitely don't feel sorry for me. I'm happy that I got to be with someone for over 10 years who made me feel the way my wife did. She made me a better person and I take all that with me as I move forward.

January 13th, 2024

Happy Woulda Been 34th Birthday Lindsay

Wouldas, Shouldas, and Couldas are a funny thing. Both a source of great learning and growth but also a source of stagnation and inability to move forward.

Lindsay would have been 34 years old today. She never liked her birthday, she didnt like aging. Makes sense given her health and the fact that she knew before anyone that she was going to deteriorate. She told me before that by the time she met me she already had a feeling that her best years health wise were behind her. She had already begun to see the effects of what we would know as being Ehlers Danlos and MCAS. Our first conversation happened after she arrived to class with crutches, having fractured her shin in a slip in the shower. She didnt even fall down, but she somehow fractured her shin from a slip in the shower. Her allergies had started to become worse, her heart was going through tachycardia. Another year older was another year of her body breaking down and succumbing more to these disorders, illnesses, conditions.

My wouldas, shouldas, and couldas all revolve around missed chances to experience what we could when she was still healthy enough to maybe do them. She loved going to San Antonio and wanted to go again. We shoulda done that. You dont anticipate your wife becoming so ill she cannot travel before she is 30 years old.

We never got officially married. We had it all planned out, made all the arrangements... and then she we had to travel to Edmonton for Lindsay to get a heart procedure. And we had to stay a couple extra weeks when the heart procedure went wrong and she needed to get a pacemaker. We arrived back home days before what would have been our wedding. We decided against having the wedding and never came back around to it. We coulda just went down to the courthouse, signed the documents there. We coulda done that.

And then today. It woulda been Lindsays birthday. We woulda invited over some friends to watch some TV, play some board games, video games, whatever it was. Despite how tired and weak she was, we woulda tried our best to celebrate despite her consternation. We woulda done that and we woulda have fun...

But she also woulda lamented not looking her best, not being able to be a better host for our friends. Not having been able to allow them to bring over food and drinks and all sorts of things because her MCAS would have caused her to have an allergic reaction. We woulda called the fun early so Lindsay could rest. None of us would have judged her for it, but Lindsay woulda.

Its almost been 6 months now since Lindsay passed. While I do at times lament those wouldas, couldas, shouldas... Im also reminded of what else woulda happened. More weakness, more allergic reactions, more liquid diets. Less visits with friends, less time spent doing what she loved and more time spent struggling to just eek out another day.

You dont get MAID just because you dont want to live. You get MAID because you are dying. And it shoulda been different. But that is what happened. And those wouldas, couldas, and shouldas? I strive to have them help me to live the life I want to moving forward, not trapping me in the past.