Lurker > Jeff_AKA_Snoopy

January 11th, 2024

We had our first huge snow storm of the year and as I was driving home through the near white-out conditions I was reminded of the fact that for the previous 11 years I would have been on the phone with Lindsay as I made my way home. Beyond times when she was maybe asleep or busy with a different phone call or an appointment, it was kinda our thing. Anytime I was driving around for work or just making my way to get groceries, we would be on the phone together. This was especially true for when conditions werent great out. It provided me so much comfort and pure joy just to hear her voice and talk through whatever was going on, problem solving together as much as we could. I think Lindsay appreciated that even when I was working I would still find the opportunities to speak with her and check in.

I loved those mid-day check ins. Some might consider that cloying or just too needy or something like that, but it was just one of the quirky things about us that you know... made it us. Just as some couples might take separate vacations, or might sleep in separate beds, its all about what is right for them. Finding that equilibrium together and finding the way in which you live together. I loved all that even when it was difficult. I loved talking with Lindsay even as her health deteriorated and our conversations became more about helping her to manage stress and anxiety day after day. Or at least I have this lingering thought in my head that I loved it. But did I?

Its a constant struggle to remind myself what the reality of our life together was. I was always the positive one. We had joked that we were perfectly balanced because I was the one where my positivity was so strong that I would fly into the sky and completely lose touch with reality. Lindsay was the weight of realism and pessimism that grounded me and kept me more in-touch with reality. As her health became worse I felt I HAD to be the positive one. Negativity and pessimism was not going to be overly helpful for us; it wouldnt give us energy and hope. As things got worse for Lindsay I had to become an ever harder cheerleader, try my best to find ANY silver lining in a sky full of dark clouds. I wonder now how often I annoyed my poor wife with my attempts at positive thinking when she clearly knew she was dying, you know? I would like to think she appreciated my upbeat attitude right up until our final moments together. Im sure that she did.

Even if it is a trick of my own mind, I do miss the conversations. I miss being done with a hard day and being so excited to share in my day with Lindsay that I would call her and chat with her on my drive home rather than waiting the 20 minutes before I arrived. I miss the care she would have for my well-being if I had a hard day, the concern she would have if I was driving home in a snow storm. But if Im being honest with myself, I dont miss having to take a fifteen minute walk by the park near my office to help her calm down from a panic attack. I dont miss her calling me asking if she should go to the hospital for how she was feeling. I dont miss the fear, frustration, pain, and sadness in her voice as she struggled to feel normal when we both knew that normal was never going to happen again.

Lindsay. I miss you every day. But you know me, I miss the idealized version of you that I have in my head. Even in your worst times you still brought me so much joy and love. I miss that. I dont miss what was happening to you. Can I say that Im happy I didnt have to see you die slowly? Is that OK? Theres a part of me that still is horrified that I would even think that. A small part of me that becomes smaller as the days and weeks turn into months. But its still there. I didnt want you to die, but I didnt want you to suffer and Im more happy about the fact you didnt have to suffer than I am sad that you had to die before I wanted you to. And there's a part of me that will always hate myself a bit for that being the truth. I know I shouldn't and ideally I will hit a point where I don't. But today is not that day.

Grief is a hell of a thing.

Would have been her birthday on the 13th. Maybe I will watch one of her favorite movies on Saturday to commemorate the day. She LOVED You've Got Mail, I could watch that on a sleepy Saturday. Lol

spikethedevil posted...

I really need to get around to watching Baccano.

It was amazingly fun.

Oh yeah, absolutely! I just listened to Lindsay and I chatting about our favorite anime of 2019. Our longer podcasts only got like 100 views, but we had so much fun just recording them and talking anime with each other.

I don't think she ever wanted to be famous but rather leaving something behind that she was passionate about.

Zikten posted...

What was her favorite anime?

Her favorite was Baccano! Not what she would have said was the BEST, but definitely what her favorite was.

When she was a little healthier she ran an anime youtube channel for fun. I was on a bunch of podcast type episodes with her, and while rarely did any of her videos take off, she did have a few with thousands of views.

I went to see The Boy and the Heron last night and it made me cry a few times and then in general because when Lindsay was alive she LOVED anime and after the movie was done I imagined what kind of conversation we would have had, the debate we would have shared, and just how fun the experience would have been.

She was passionate about anime just like I am and I loved that about her.

https://youtu.be/-1UyUsz0A-A?si=RqMEvXraWN5f-UYd

Most days I'm not feeling like this but like... on REALLY bad days? This is just so relatable.

NOTE - I had a very good day today, I just stumbled upon this song. XD

You're allowed to have these feelings and I feel like talking about them will help you to work through it. Trust me, trying to keep it all in is rough. Good on you for being open!

It is tough to watch the person you love face failing health. It is also tough on you having to be more and more of a support for them, rather than being 50/50 partners.

It's also really difficult on the partner who is getting sicker. Lindsay apologized to me multiple times a day because I had to "do everything" and she felt increasingly not just useless but a barrier to my ability to succeed.

I went to therapy to work out my feelings on all that because from a very technical level that was true. I faced support fatigue and I never allowed myself to express that ever. Knowing your partner is struggling makes you feel like an asshole for recognizing the struggle you have yourself.

It's why my therapist made me say out loud that certain aspects of my life would improve when Lindsay passed. I hated myself the first time I said it out loud but like... it was true. It was emotionally, spiritually, financially exhausting to be a constant caregiver to a dying partner. It's a very complicated feeling to have and I would never judge anyone for feeling so conflicted and lost in everything.

I am sorry Shrike that your partner is facing some complex health troubles. It is a difficult position to be in and any time you need to just bitch and moan and be sad about it, that's part of this topic my friend.

dummy420 posted...

Good luck. The dating game was always rough for me.

I don't think it's gonna be easy at almost 40, but I dunno, it's also kinda exciting to meet new people and get to know them and all that jazz.

Starting off 2024 pretty well overall. Feeling good, feeling healthy and strong. Hopefully I can meet some wonderful woman and get back dating.

January 1st 2024 Facebook Post

And so ends the most difficult year of my life.

2023 was the year my life ended and an entirely different life began. I started 2023 as a husband, a partner, a caregiver, and best friend to a wonderful woman who was dying a horrible, slow, painful, unfair death. I balanced all of these things while knowing we were seeking to use MAID to end her suffering. Balancing the rational side of me that knew my best friend and partner did not deserve to live such a horrible existence while the emotional side of me wanted just one more year, one more month, one more holiday.

That balancing act all ended on July 17th 2023 at 5:31pm. That life ended at that precise moment and I started a new life. When I started that new life I began to journal how I was feeling, what I was struggling with, my proudest moments in the experience and my shame. It is a record of grief and what grief looks like. I thought to share a little piece of what grief can look like from what I journaled on Christmas Day. A week ago.

**********
"Its scary, its sad, its confusing, its devastating. Its been a long time since Ive been both this happy and this soul-crushingly sad all in the same day. Its nights like this that I just dont know how I can handle all this, how this doesnt just defeat me everyday. Its times like this I understand why my family and friends all tell me how proud they are of me, how shocked they are at how positive I am, how Im not like... this, more often.

Its nights like tonight that I harbour the slightest bit of resentment, the slightest bit of entitlement, the slightest bit of anger. I didnt want you to leave me alone for even the small stuff Lindsay, much less Christmas Day. The greedy part of me resents that you left me alone, you left me behind. You brought me the greatest joys Ive ever felt and then you took them away before it was time.

I know thats not true. I know you did everything you could. I know Im being petty, selfish, entitled. Im hurt to spend the first Christmas alone since the day I met you. And I feel so much shame for how I feel. You could have given me 10 more Christmas Days and I would have wanted one more. I wanted us to grow old together and it scares and infuriates me that we didnt get that chance. But that isnt the fault of you or I. So I will rage and cry to an unfair world tonight and start tomorrow fresh."
******

It felt appropriate on January 1st 2024 to share that experience. I'm not looking for validation or anything like that. I know I shouldn't feel shame in my feelings at all. I don't beat myself up for having those feelings nor the momentary shame in those feelings from time to time. It's all part of the grief process and it will be a part of me forever.

What I am really starting to understand, and I think I will appreciate more and more throughout 2024, is that I am privileged to have ever had someone in my life that meant this much to me. And what's more, to surround myself with more people who make me feel like that in 2024.

It's my first New Year as a brand new human being. It's my first New Year as a widow, as a widow looking for the next great adventure in another person, and as a widow eager to share that experience with the world.

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Yeah!!!!

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SweetNut_Farm posted...

And beard oil smells good!

This is true as well.

After a Christmas two day session of gluttony and chill, I'm back to my healthier habits and I'm feeling pretty good. Got some beard oil as I've never used it before, just because. It's nice to look your best and be deliberate with how you look.

Kirk I think is better overall, and Danny is so injury prone lately.

I kinda like the idea of us getting Bellinger for 1st base/DH, then Vlad can platoon at 3rd and 1st with IKF filling in on occasion.

IKF does make me feel like we may trade Espinal.

Zithers posted...

i feel like santiago espinal or cavan biggio can probably fill in just fine. although i suppose neither can play SS for bo for a day off.

IKF is definitely not good tho

Espinal is a similar player. Biggio is so damn streaky.

Maybe the Jays are expecting to lose one or the other. Not sure. Plus we don't have a DH right now so if we don't find someone awesome, moving anyone to DH to have the day off fielding and tossing in IKF is a fine option.

Zithers posted...

blue jays bring back kevin kerimeier or however its spelled

also signed kiner-falefa for 2/15

Lots of Jays "fans" are shitting all over the Kiner signing. Motherfuckers, do you know how often position players have a 2 week DL stint, or need a day off here or there?

Yeah he ain't gonna win us a championship but you know what loses us one for sure? When our stars go on the DL and we got nobody to sub in for them.

There was tons of brightness for sure. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were amazingly fun. I love spending time with my family and seeing the nieces and nephews open presents and play and then tucker out as the day goes on is just wonderful.

Not being able to share that with Lindsay is a kick in the pants and made me sad. At times I forget that she was dying. It wasn't like she just decided to "give up". Yes she used MAID but also you don't get to use MAID if doctors don't agree with the fact that like... yeah, you're dying and what you're living through is not good. It's a greedy feeling that you wanted them to give you more. When I hit my birthday the week after she passed I was like, "If only you could have made it until after my birthday..."

Then I felt that again here on Christmas. I suspect it is a very common feeling regardless of when, how, and why your partner passes away. A shameful bitterness that they left. I think it's natural, I think it's common, I think it is just going to be something that you feel from time to time.

At least I'm in the place where I don't beat myself up for them too much, I let myself feel my feelings, later when I'm feeling more in a place to break down those feelings I do that, and I move on with my life in a more positive headspace.

December 25th, 2023

I miss you tonight more than I have in a long time.

Spending Christmas Eve and Day with my family was amazing fun. It was filled with love and excitement and support and just so much fun. As I drove away from my brothers home alone in my vehicle, to my home alone... I broke into tears. For the first time in a dozen years I return home alone. Typically this time would be spent sharing stories of our experiences together and separate in the wonderful home of my brother and his family. Games played with nieces and nephews, conversations with siblings and parents, the laughs both shared and had apart from one another. We would drive away from Christmas hand-in-hand, exhausted but the kind of exhausted that is all about creating new, meaningful memories with people who love and support us.

My siblings all have their own families to share in these experiences with. Sharing the memories, sharing the love and support. My family, Lindsay, is gone. Most days Im alright with that. Im rational about it; I will find someone else I want to share my life with, to become family just as much as Lindsay was. But Christmas Day? Returning to my home alone, with nobody to share these stories and experiences with? It hurts.

Its scary, its sad, its confusing, its devastating. Its been a long time since Ive been both this happy and this soul-crushingly sad all in the same day. Its nights like this that I just dont know how I can handle all this, how this doesnt just defeat me everyday. Its times like this I understand why my family and friends all tell me how proud they are of me, how shocked they are at how positive I am, how Im not like... this, more often.

Its nights like tonight that I harbour the slightest bit of resentment, the slightest bit of entitlement, the slightest bit of anger. I didnt want you to leave me alone for even the small stuff Lindsay, much less Christmas Day. The greedy part of me resents that you left me alone, you left me behind. You brought me the greatest joys Ive ever felt and then you took them away before it was time.

I know thats not true. I know you did everything you could. I know Im being petty, selfish, entitled. Im hurt to spend the first Christmas alone since the day I met you. And I feel so much shame for how I feel. You could have given me 10 more Christmas Days and I would have wanted one more. I wanted us to grow old together and it scares and infuriates me that we didnt get that chance. But that isnt the fault of you or I. So I will rage and cry to an unfair world tonight and start tomorrow fresh.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/d/dc84da28.jpg

A few of my family members Christmas morning! The two young ones in the Santa hats are two of my nephews, the two adults in grey are my brother and sister-in-law, and the other adult is my older sister.

Thanks guys.

All my family lives in the same city as I do so we will be spending a lot of time together over the holidays. As well, working with youth like I do, I get to see a lot of happy smiling faces and Christmas cheer. It is strange to not have Lindsay with me for the holidays. I remember the first Christmas she shared with my family, we went for a walk in the late afternoon and she asked me point blank, "So, how much of that was an act?" cause we... genuinely like each other and just like to snack and play games and spend time together? I was REALLY confused by her question and I just told her that's how we are.

She had a hard time believing that we are just kinda a 50's era family living in the 2010's (at that point). LOL

Dodgers being a super team is fun for me cause I'm a Jays fan and I won't be mad until the World Series if we play them. XD

JOSGABRIEL posted...

Keep that smile up. It shouldn't be any other way.
Glad to see you're healing process is going well.

Thanks! I feel really good lately. I'm proud of myself, how I look, how I feel... all of it.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/f/fe6dca1e.jpg

It was our company Christmas party for the kids today. As a youth care worker I don't often get the chance to dress up at all. I do every Christmas Party however.

I looked so fucking good today.

Opening game tickets for the Dodgers are like averaging 1200 bucks right now. Fuck.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/f/fd542272.jpg

No monumental update, but I did get myself the Snorlax Squishmallow. Look at this fucking adorable mother fucker.

Still at 302 despite already starting the "holidays" diet.

I'm not going to care about macros and shit like that. It's the holidays, lots of tasty food, gonna enjoy myself. Just need to keep up with my workouts and maybe fast a bit longer after a REALLY indulgent day. XD

https://youtu.be/IfnFEjjug1U?si=i-hYHK9UQKXhexfk

When I see those calories I have to remind myself that I'm at 300 pounds, cause 1000 calories in a day for me would be massively unhealthy and tantamount to a crash diet. XD

Jan 13th was my wife's birthday. What a small world.

I don't dream about her often at all, but my wife believed that when you dream of people who passed they are visiting you to make sure you're OK. I like that idea so I will stick with it, lol.

5'3 and 117 seems kinda small?

Come to think of it, how do you say that in a polite way? Like, I don't ever want someone to be shamed for being smaller just like I don't wanna be shamed for being bigger.

Small seems kinda derogatory, petite has the same deal.

BMI it seems to be well within regular though, so as long as it is healthy for your frame, good enough!

December 17th 2023 Facebook Post

5 months?! Wow.

It's been 5 months since Lindsay passed. This last month has been busy with the holiday season and all the love and support and fun/stress that comes with it. I've been spending time with family and friends and recently I've kinda just felt... differently about being "alone". Not alone in the sense that I have all my family and friends and that amazing support around me, but in the sense of my home being mine alone.

I think for the first time since Lindsay passed I am in a place where I'm alright with this. I struggled in my own way with living alone. I think anyone who is happily married or living with a partner knows what I mean. There is a comfort to sharing your life, your home, and everything you are with your partner. I lost that in the blink of an eye more or less. From the time Lindsay received the approval of MAID to the time she passed was about a week. Regardless of all the time you prepare for it, the time it took us to receive the approval of MAID, in a week I went from sharing my home and my life with my partner to coming home to an empty house.

It wasn't really empty, it is filled with the wonderful memories we made together and the growth and love she filled me with. I've never feared my home without Lindsay here nor did I avoid it... but only recently have I found my own equilibrium in my new life, I guess. Maybe less to do with my home and more to do with just my new life. I'm more comfortable with my new life.

I'm excited for what comes next and the prospects of inviting new people to share in my world. I'm confident in who I am, what I "bring to the table", what I can endure, and what I deserve. Maybe that's what it is... I'm confident that what comes next is exciting, meaningful, tender, and kind. I don't think I was confident in that until recently. It feels good.

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Starting to see a lot of loose skin. You don't lose 110+ pounds without creating loose skin I suppose. Filling it up well in my arms and shoulders and back, it will take me some time for the midsection.

I don't do a lot of strenuous work on my abs and gut area. My physiotherapist told me that I've been weak there for so long that I need to start REALLY slow at it or I might get a hernia and then I'm just done for awhile doing any workouts.

Slow and steady wins the race.

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Jays have done nothing and that makes me sad.

December 16th, 2023

Its strange to wake up one morning and just kinda feel differently about something. Like a switch turned in your brain and heart and it was like, Hey now, that thing youve been so concerned about? Its OK now. Its alright. That thing for me the last couple days? Being alone. Or rather, living alone I guess.

I havent taken the time to read back to some of my previous musings. Im sure in them I must have mentioned how I havent lived alone very often and that I was worried about my ability to do that. Not in a literal sense but more in the sense of what I prefer and what I desire. I desire social settings, I desire human interaction. In a world that is becoming more and more remote, where people are feeling more and more isolated, I lived for more than a decade with my partner, my best friend, my lover, my wife. I was blessed to share my life, my home, and my bed with that person. I thrived in that environment and I feared when she passed that I would not be able to handle being without that.

After Lindsay passed part of my grief process I think was the desire to have a new companion. Its exciting to be attracted to someone, to invite them into your world, and show them what you are all about. Exciting, nerve-wracking... it makes you feel alive. At least it does for me. I make no secret of it now that I looked quickly to bring someone new into my life. Not to replace my wife and everything she meant to me. That is impossible and I think anyone who has ever had the pleasure of sharing their life with someone would tell you the same thing. That companionship however? That can take many forms. I found myself quickly sort of being infatuated with some people, wanting to fill my life with their companionship.

The past few days Ive come to a realization that I looked past some things that should have brought me pause. That isnt to say that people Ive been attracted to are all wrong for me or I would have made a huge mistake bringing them into my world. Not at all. I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons.

I dont lack for confidence. I know what I bring to a relationship, I know the kind of partner I am. I know I am capable of making someone happy, of being their support and their rock, of working together towards the common desire for us to share a happy life together. I know I can do that and I am eager to do that. My eagerness and my confidence made me look past whether or not it was the right fit, would we be compatible, and are they ready for what that all means.

Im not looking to play the field. Thats never been what has brought me joy. What I am looking for is someone who is ready for the kind of relationship I want. Someone who can match the kind of passion, love, support, and determination that I provide in a relationship. A couple of days ago I woke up and realized that I can stand to wait a little bit to find the right fit. I dont feel the need to rush towards a companion, to overwhelm them with who I am. That Im OK sharing my time with family and friends until my next partner reveals themselves to me. I think I have the right to be choosy. I have the right to at the very least compare them to what it was that I loved about Lindsay. Do they challenge me mentally like she did. Do they yearn to take on the world like she did? Do they have the tenacity to fight for what they believe in? Do they take joy out of the same little things that I do? Do they open my mind to new possibilities? Will they put me and my needs before their own just as I did for Lindsay and she did for me?

Im ready to take my time to find the next Mrs. Right. If Im being honest with myself Im not sure I felt that way until a couple days ago and Im not sure I even knew it in my heart until today.

I ended up working late yesterday and didn't get my workout in (I did go curling on Wednesday which is a good workout), 303 this morning. Woo!

Samurai_Man posted...

Down 60lbs this year, 40lb I lost on my own, the other 20 with the help of my Dr, TRT and Ozempic. Should be back to my college weight of around 180-190 by May. Dieting and doing about 30 minutes of intense cardio a day about 5-6 days a week (usually 30 minutes of the stair climber around lvl 7-10)

Congratulations!

dummy420 posted...

You already have one thing I've noticed most people don't have. You recognize your successes and are proud of yourself when you might not have that outside positive reinforcement. Sadly you don't have her with you physically but you know she would be proud to.

I know she would. I think she would be very proud of how I've been doing.

Didn't work out last night cause I didn't have the time. (Worked 9-5, then went to watch professional curling from 6-9). Still at 304 which is pretty sweet.

When you don't have motivation just do something that gets your body moving a bit. I think it's better to do a little bit (like even just do some beginners Yoga off YouTube or something) rather than nothing.

You also need rest days too so if you are really just not gonna do it, take it as your rest day.

It's weird how your mind can just mess with you now and then.

I'm currently around 303 pounds. I'm in the best physical shape of my adult life (at one point I was 415 pounds, yikes), and I am very proud of what I've done. I'm also putting on muscle mass while losing weight so I'm like, doing a really excellent job!

Then there is that little voice in my head that regrets how Lindsay will never see me at my best. She will never again tell me how proud she is of me, how happy she is to see me getting healthier.

I was watching an anime the other day and they were talking about faith and God and stuff. And the pious one says to the non-religious one, "Who will tell you they're proud of your accomplishments?" Oooof, it cut to the core a bit.

It's my nephew's birthday party today. Pizza and cake here we come! Lol

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I think the big thing is to trust the process. If your following a regiment that has proven effective for lots of lifters before, I think it's safe to assume they've also experienced the anxiety of a deload week and have also seen the benefits if they continued the process.

I have made the topic!

Let's fucking finish out this one with some fuckin pictures and whatnot!

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Damn Frieren making me tear up.

A lot of the episode had to do with two people discussing their belief/non belief in God. When my wife was alive we had a lot of conversations about such things as she was a very spiritual person (not religious, spiritual) and I am not.

Towards the end of their conversation the religious one asks, "Who will you have to praise you and your accomplishments?" and it made me miss my wife more than I normally do.

Really powerful episode just in general, moreso obviously for me. LOL

Interesting day for me weight wise.

I started my day with a nice 2k walk. I decided I wanted to get some Pokemon Go stuff done so I went out and about.

Then my nephew and I went to see Godzilla Minus One. I had a bunch of buttered popcorn and some chocolate, standard movie stuff.

Came home and did another 2k on the treadmill and a nice weightlifting session.

variasuite posted...

You don't know me from Adam, TC, but I've been on this website for over 20 years and your username is a bonafide fixture. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you're healing. Best wishes.

Thank you so much. It's weird to think I've been using this site for more than half of my life. O_o