Current Events > Mom circles suck

(+) Yeah! (+)

Ive been a mess these past few months. Im so beyond fucking tired. They have older kids and when I share that Im not ok and the toddler phase is so hard all I get is well its hard at every stage! or wait until theyre a teenager lolol. No its not the fucking same thing because you dont have to change your teens diapers, spoon feed them, clean up the plate of food they decided to toss on the floor, bathe them, chase them around and wrangle them to dress them, play with them, put them to bed, keep them away from all the hazards in your house and constantly keep watch of them every single second so they dont hurt themselves or set the house on fire. On top of working a full time job, cooking, cleaning, running errands, getting them ready for school, etc. Is it hard in other ways? Sure, I have no doubt. But not this physically exhausting because they can at least care for themselves without you watching them the whole time.

And why does it have to be a competition? One of them had nannies full time covering day and evening up until just now (kid is like 8-9) and the other is a step mom to a teen and wasnt there for the toddler years (kid was 10 when she came into the picture). And when she had to watch her toddler niece for one night she was dead ass tired and never wanted to do it again. So they werent even that involved during the toddler years but feel the need to minimize what Im going through. All I want is some compassion not competition.

Find a better mom circle.

StarDestroyer posted...

Find a better mom circle.

this tbh

Adopt them and then send them to boarding school in Northern Canada and once they're there, cancel your payment for tuition resulting in them being trapped up there.

StarDestroyer posted...

Find a better mom circle.

I do need to make friends with toddler moms but Im not the most social person. I need to try and make friends with the other daycare moms somehow at least. Most of the moms in the area are stay at home moms and whenever Ive tried to strike up convos with them they seem not interested in chatting as soon they find out Im a working mom. The conversation kinda just dies off. But at least the daycare parents are working, I just dont do the drop offs/pick ups (my husband does) so I dont meet them. Maybe thats what I need to do though.

StarDestroyer posted...

Find a better mom circle.

I think you need a differet mom circle, I don't think they have empathy or compassion if that's how they react to your situation.

I do the drop offs too. I dont see much socializing between parents happening at drop offs.

It wasnt until our previous daycare was closing that my wife contacted other moms on Facebook to look for other daycares. Shes now best friends with one of the moms and much happier.

So I dont have any advice on how to bond with other moms, but hopefully you can find a way because its helped my wife out a lot.

Lol so I'm a stay at home dad. And whenever I try to take my kid out to interact with other kids it's always moms everywhere I go. And they all treat me like I'm dumb or something

I need to find a dad circle.

StarDestroyer posted...

Find a better mom circle.

Do you need one though? I never had one. When my kids started school I exchanged pleasantries at pickup but really didnt do much with the other parents.

I did have 2 kids though so they had each other to play with. Now they are 11 & 13 and are each others best friends which Im glad for. They do have other friends at school so they dont just have each other.

Thats part of the human condition. Everyone has it worse than everyone else and its always a competition.

One of my team leads one time, upon me complaining a little bit about being so far in debt, his response? Im in way more debt than you!

Why? YOU OWN A HOUSE AND ITS LITERALLY YOUR ONLY DEBT. I was in medical and consumer debt that I could never pay off at my current rate and he made twice as much as me.

Oh and we lived in central California and his house he bought before the massive housing boom so he got it cheap.

And that was just the one time that stands out to me the most because I was the most annoyed. But it was a constant competition. If he heard complaints hed always find a way he had it worse.

gunplagirl posted...

Adopt them and then send them to boarding school in Northern Canada and once they're there, cancel your payment for tuition resulting in them being trapped up there.

It's the most reasonable solution

Sounds like CE but with moms

EndOfDiscOne posted...

I do the drop offs too. I dont see much socializing between parents happening at drop offs.

It wasnt until our previous daycare was closing that my wife contacted other moms on Facebook to look for other daycares. Shes now best friends with one of the moms and much happier.

So I dont have any advice on how to bond with other moms, but hopefully you can find a way because its helped my wife out a lot.

Yeah maybe I can look for a FB group. One that isnt filled with anti vaxxer anti science moms lol

Ar0ge posted...

Lol so I'm a stay at home dad. And whenever I try to take my kid out to interact with other kids it's always moms everywhere I go. And they all treat me like I'm dumb or something

I need to find a dad circle.

Dad circles sound way more fun tbh

Cuticrusader09 posted...

Do you need one though? I never had one. When my kids started school I exchanged pleasantries at pickup but really didnt do much with the other parents.

I did have 2 kids though so they had each other to play with. Now they are 11 & 13 and are each others best friends which Im glad for. They do have other friends at school so they dont just have each other.

Eh I dont need one but I do like having friends as an outlet that I can talk to and understand me. I feel like my friend group isnt the same now that I have a toddler and they dont. I dont really have any other outlet atm with wfh and only talking to people virtually all day. I feel like Im starting to lose my mind from the endless loop of toddler, wfh in virtual meetings all day, cook, feed toddler, clean up, get them ready for bed, sleep, rinse and repeat over and over.

I want a second child to keep the first company so they can grow up and play together. My husband does not. So were at a standstill there sadly

Cuticrusader09 posted...

Do you need one though? I never had one. When my kids started school I exchanged pleasantries at pickup but really didnt do much with the other parents.

I did have 2 kids though so they had each other to play with. Now they are 11 & 13 and are each others best friends which Im glad for. They do have other friends at school so they dont just have each other.

Are you a dude? Its more normal for women to find support in groups with their peers.

Cleo_II posted...

I do need to make friends with toddler moms but Im not the most social person. I need to try and make friends with the other daycare moms somehow at least. Most of the moms in the area are stay at home moms and whenever Ive tried to strike up convos with them they seem not interested in chatting as soon they find out Im a working mom. The conversation kinda just dies off. But at least the daycare parents are working, I just dont do the drop offs/pick ups (my husband does) so I dont meet them. Maybe thats what I need to do though.

IMO it's best to be friends with parents that have kids around the same age as your kids because it's easy to set up situations where they can play with each other and you can divert some of your attention elsewhere.

But really it sounds like the people in your circle are just kind of jerks and would be annoying regardless.

EndOfDiscOne posted...

Are you a dude? Its more normal for women to find support in groups with their peers.

These kids came out of me, I am 100% a woman. I find most women to be catty and dont like dealing with them, lol.

That "wait until they're a teenager" line annoys me. Who the hell thinks taking care of a teenager is harder than taking care of a toddler? My wife and I started raising her little brother when he was 11. It has not been hard to deal with at all. Even when I told my best friend
with a newborn that my BIL moved in with us he responded with, "I hate you. You completely skipped all the hell I'm dealing with." lmao

Cleo_II posted...

whenever Ive tried to strike up convos with them they seem not interested in chatting as soon they find out Im a working mom.

You're doing it all(working and being a mom) and they feel insecure cause they don't work.

BlazinBlue88 posted...

You're doing it all(working and being a mom) and they feel insecure cause they don't work.

True, Cleo is a "Super Mom" and does more than those "Stay @ Home" moms who don't work.

Ar0ge posted...

Lol so I'm a stay at home dad. And whenever I try to take my kid out to interact with other kids it's always moms everywhere I go. And they all treat me like I'm dumb or something

I need to find a dad circle.

I've been a stay at home dad for 18 months now. I'll be in your circle though I'm going back to work in January because we have another kid on the way

How attractive are the moms? I mean, I believe there exists an aura of high schoolness amongst the better looking circles.

BlazinBlue88 posted...

That "wait until they're a teenager" line annoys me. Who the hell thinks taking care of a teenager is harder than taking care of a toddler? My wife and I started raising her little brother when he was 11. It has not been hard to deal with at all. Even when I told my best friend
with a newborn that my BIL moved in with us he responded with, "I hate you. You completely skipped all the hell I'm dealing with." lmao

Mentally a teen is more exhausting. My girls get moody and you dont know whats wrong, but you know somethings wrong and there is tension in the air.

Just last week my older daughter was upset. But she first confided in her sister. Turns out a friend is moving to Philippines the at the end of the school year because of a green card issue. There is no fix to this. You can comfort her, but you dont make it better. Once they start dating, thatll be even more drama.

BlazinBlue88 posted...

That "wait until they're a teenager" line annoys me. Who the hell thinks taking care of a teenager is harder than taking care of a toddler? My wife and I started raising her little brother when he was 11. It has not been hard to deal with at all. Even when I told my best friend
with a newborn that my BIL moved in with us he responded with, "I hate you. You completely skipped all the hell I'm dealing with." lmao

You're doing it all(working and being a mom) and they feel insecure cause they don't work.

I get that its mentally more draining when theyre older. Then you have to worry about them getting in trouble at school, SM, skimpy clothes theyre trying to hide, boys theyre talking to, making sure they dont knock someone up, etc. Its always going to be hard. But I hate when someone says Im struggling with this and it turns into Well just wait. Right now its the physical exhaustion thats getting to me.

I dont feel like Im doing it all. I feel stretched thin, worn out and some days I just want to curl in a ball and cry at how exhausted I am but there is no break or help. I feel like Im drowning.

Kamen_Rider_Blade posted...

True, Cleo is a "Super Mom" and does more than those "Stay @ Home" moms who don't work.

I wouldnt say that. Staying at home is a job on its own. I was home for the first 5 months and shit was freaking hard. SAHPs often are with partners who expect them to do literally everything 24/7. At least when Im working Im sitting on my butt at a chair. I consider it a break lol

Cleo_II posted...

I get that its mentally more draining when theyre older. Then you have to worry about them getting in trouble at school, SM, skimpy clothes theyre trying to hide, boys theyre talking to, making sure they dont knock someone up, etc. Its always going to be hard. But I hate when someone says Im struggling with this and it turns into Well just wait. Right now its the physical exhaustion thats getting to me.

I dont feel like Im doing it all. I feel stretched thin, worn out and some days I just want to curl in a ball and cry at how exhausted I am but there is no break or help. I feel like Im drowning.

Do you have any relatives coming in to help?

Cleo_II posted...

I wouldnt say that. Staying at home is a job on its own. I was home for the first 5 months and shit was freaking hard. SAHPs often are with partners who expect them to do literally everything 24/7. At least when Im working Im sitting on my butt at a chair. I consider it a break lol

I think there partners need to lower expectations then. That's not a realistic expectation for them to do "Literally Everything" 24/7.

At that point, they want a butler, not a significant other or spouse.

Cuticrusader09 posted...

Mentally a teen is more exhausting.

I feel that. My BIL is nearly 14 and is mentally exhausting. Still not as bad as what I would think a toddler is to deal with. Much rather have the mental taxation than the physical that comes from a toddler.

Ill take the physical stress of 100 dirty diapers over the mental stress that is having a teenager and the unknown of what theyre doing when youre not around.

I personally prefer stressing over something I can control over something I cant.

Kamen_Rider_Blade posted...

Do you have any relatives coming in to help?

I think there partners need to lower expectations then. That's not a realistic expectation for them to do "Literally Everything" 24/7.

At that point, they want a butler, not a significant other or spouse.

Both our families live away but my mom is here until Saturday. Shes at my aunts now to be with her family that flew in from Egypt but she spent about 3 weeks with us and it was amazing to have help. My MIL came last night and is here until tomorrow. But my mom flies in once a year for a couple of weeks and his mom might come down every 3-4 months for 1-2 nights. Thats the extent of the help we get. We had a nanny but that was only during working hours which weve replaced with daycare. Were looking to get a sitter for a night every other week so we can have date nights though. Just havent had the time to interview any.

And even if youre a SAHP with a good partner, youre still working a full time job with the kids. At least until theyre in school. I have a lot of respect for the parents that do it and dont think they have an easier time than me.

Cleo_II posted...

And even if youre a SAHP with a good partner, youre still working a full time job with the kids. At least until theyre in school. I have a lot of respect for the parents that do it and dont think they have an easier time than me.

But technically, they do.

You do everything they do, but MORE!

You WFH & take care of your daughter.

That makes you SUPER in comparison to a SAHP.

I was hoping Mom Circles were like Crop Circles but with Moms instead of Aliens.

Cleo_II posted...

I get that its mentally more draining when theyre older. Then you have to worry about them getting in trouble at school, SM, skimpy clothes theyre trying to hide, boys theyre talking to, making sure they dont knock someone up, etc. Its always going to be hard. But I hate when someone says Im struggling with this and it turns into Well just wait. Right now its the physical exhaustion thats getting to me.

I dont feel like Im doing it all. I feel stretched thin, worn out and some days I just want to curl in a ball and cry at how exhausted I am but there is no break or help. I feel like Im drowning.

No break or help? What about your husband? Is it 50/50 when hes home?

Cuticrusader09 posted...

No break or help? What about your husband? Is it 50/50 when hes home?

Yes hes involved as well. Were both worn out tbh.

A typically day is:

• Wake up at 6 when girl is up, get her fed, cleaned up, dressed, brush teeth and hair, lunch prepped and her ready for her drop off. Husband works early hours because its an east coast company.
• Husband drops her off at 8:30, I get ready for work and log on at 9
• Husband finishes work around 2:30 and picks her up at 3. He has her until I finish work around 5
• At 5 I make dinner, feed her, clean her up and play with her until about 7:30
• 7:30 he takes her up for bath and bed while I clean things up and put her toys away
• Go to sleep at 9, rinse and repeat

Cleo_II posted...

No its not the fucking same thing because you dont have to change your teens diapers, spoon feed them, clean up the plate of food they decided to toss on the floor, bathe them, chase them around and wrangle them to dress them, play with them, put them to bed, keep them away from all the hazards in your house and constantly keep watch of them every single second so they dont hurt themselves or set the house on fire.

lol my toddler is here as well.

No offense here but it sounds like your house isn't baby-proofed enough. My toddler gets into shit, sure, but our house is at a point where we can leave him run around on his own and he won't die.

Cleo_II posted...

I want a second child to keep the first company so they can grow up and play together. My husband does not. So were at a standstill there sadly

Oof, these are the kinds of things that'll end a marriage.

Does your husband have to pick her up at 3? When I get down with work early, I still take advantage of daycare hours. Ours kids are gone 7:30 - 5:00.

I love my mom.

There's always new challenges as they grow up but I do think it's hardest when they are babies/toddlers.

I have a 1 and 3 year old...the 3 year old is now becoming alot easier. He sleeps through the night, he doesn't need pullups/diapers anymore, sometimes a picky eater but he eats, he's fun to play with.

The 1 year old is a handful. Whole house has to be baby proofed. Super picky eater. Cries at night.

These people that say things get harder probably either had easy babies or they had help. Most of the time it's help, in the form of nannies, grandparents, daycare, etc. They have a different perspective. I totally understand that, but when they fail to understand that same concept that everyone's situation is different then fuck them.

And social media also gives a fucked up perspective cuz all these influencers have hella help behind the scenes.

Our house is pretty baby proofed but she is super active and a climber. For example we have an open floor plan with a sectional couch in the middle that she will climb down the back of. We have foam padding around but still have to make sure she doesnt fall. Then theres the dining table and chairs. We have them all tied together because she kept pulling the chairs out and climbing the table and running around. But she will crawl under and try to get to the chairs from underneath and get stuck. Which we try to mitigate with cushions now but she sometimes figures out how to pull them out. We had bar stools we stored in the garage because she was climbing them and getting to the kitchen counter. She can reach the stove knobs now and messes around with them as I cook. I tried to put up the Christmas tree but that turned disastrous.

EndOfDiscOne posted...

Does your husband have to pick her up at 3? When I get done with work early, I still take advantage of daycare hours. Ours kids are gone 7:30 - 5:00.

Yes pm care is extra and were on the waitlist for a spot right now its full. So we have to pick her up at 3.

God help you if you have a daughter. Be prepared for the emotional toll you will have and the painful tears you will shed when she is a teenager. She will love her dad and somehow hate you. You will harken back to the days when she was a toddler that worshipped you and beam with nostalgic joy. Being a parent is awesome. I hope you are emotionally strong.

InfernalLurker posted...

God help you if you have a daughter. Be prepared for the emotional toll you will have and the painful tears you will shed when she is a teenager. She will love her dad and somehow hate you. You will harken back to the days when she was a toddler that worshipped you and beam with nostalgic joy. Being a parent is awesome. I hope you are emotionally strong.

Thats what makes it already challenging. Shes been a daddys girl since day 1. She cries for him at night and not me. Every thing is a fight with me. If I dress her shes running away and kicking me, while she sits there happily when dad does it. Changing diapers is a fight as she flips over on the changing table, kicking at me and screaming. She lays quietly when dad does it. When I get her ready every morning for school every single step is a battle with her as I try to wrangle her. My husband will try to help when he can but most of the time hes in meetings.

The only thing she prefers me for is play time because Im really involved with her and act silly and stuff. My husband doesnt so hes not as fun. So in the evening she only wants to play with me. My husband tries but she gets bored of him and comes back to me. So he gets a bit of a break while I entertain her.

Eh, let them fall. Maybe put out something cushy so they land better. I realize, I'm very okay with my son eating shit every now and again. Otherwise, how else will he learn that actions have consequences and he can hurt himself?

VirtuousWrath posted...

Eh, let them fall. Maybe put out something cushy so they land better. I realize, I'm very okay with my son eating shit every now and again. Otherwise, how else will he learn that actions have consequences and he can hurt himself?

I think its easier for dads to feel that way. Im ok with her getting hurt and I know its going to happen. But my mind doesnt fully disconnect that way and Im always on my toes mentally watching out for her while my husband is more lax about it.

Cleo_II posted...

I think its easier for dads to feel that way. Im ok with her getting hurt and I know its going to happen. But my mind doesnt fully disconnect that way and Im always on my toes mentally watching out for her while my husband is more lax about it.

I'm with you. A part of my brain is constantly aware and thinking about where my kids are at all times

I think it might be that particular mom circle.

My next door neighbor is involved with one and they'll always stop and chat with me when they see me outside. They seem very starved for normal adult conversations that aren't about kids. It's a different dynamic though. I'm a guy with no children. So I might just be a mental escape for them. Youd think with you being able to talk about work at least, that might be of interest though.

InfernalLurker posted...

God help you if you have a daughter. Be prepared for the emotional toll you will have and the painful tears you will shed when she is a teenager. She will love her dad and somehow hate you. You will harken back to the days when she was a toddler that worshipped you and beam with nostalgic joy. Being a parent is awesome. I hope you are emotionally strong.

Depends. My girls sometimes run to each other, sometimes me and sometimes their dad. My girls still just come up to me and hug and snuggle.