Current Events > I think I may need to call an ambulance and force my father to go to the

(+) Yeah! (+)

Hospital

He cant get up to go to the bathroom... so hes just been going... and it was so bad I could barely get the blanket to the washing machine

ugh

Sorry to hear that TC. What is wrong with him? If you don't mind me asking of course.

That sounds..bad. You get the man to a hospital.

does he have dementia or something? my grandma got that way sometimes in the middle stages of it

Do you have the finances to deal with the hospital bill? It can get quite expensive.

MrWingnut posted...

Sorry to hear that TC. What is wrong with him? If you don't mind me asking of course.

Well, hes just kind of gotten old... and he survived cancer last year... I fear its come back.

but hes crashed in the last couple of weeks.

EyeWontBeFooled posted...

That sounds..bad. You get the man to a hospital.

Hes absolutely refusing to let me call an ambulance.

I might just have to call one and he can demand to not go... but the state hes in now I think I could be charged with elder abuse

ultimate_reaver posted...

does he have dementia or something? my grandma got that way sometimes in the middle stages of it

He had some issues with cognition yes, to what extent I dont know.

CommonStar posted...

Do you have the finances to deal with the hospital bill? It can get quite expensive.

Hes a vet so that should all be taken care of I think. Either way, what would it matter? Let him die in a puddle of his own filth?

My condolences to you and your father, TC. If he wont let you remove him from the house in order to be seen by a medical professional, is there some way to get one to make a house call and examine him there?

Agent_Stroud posted...

My condolences to you and your father, TC. If he wont let you remove him from the house in order to be seen by a medical professional, is there some way to get one to make a house call and examine him there?

Doubt it, we dont have the money to do so. Hes a vet so he doesnt have any insurance that would do such a thing.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Theyve already come and gone...

I did call 911. Every fire fighter and emt all told him he needs to go... but he just argued with them and claimed he was fine. Hes in constant pain and literally sitting in a pile of his own shit.

He claims he isnt but he is... hes just saying Im not that bad if it gets worse and claimed he was able to go to the bathroom 3 hours ago... which isnt true.

They want me to try to get power of attorney so I can force him to go... he doesnt want that.

He doesnt want to be a bother, but fuck, he is like this. It stinks in the house, and I literally couldnt eat dinner it smelled so bad two rooms over. Im washing the blanket he wrecked but I gagged hard.

Ive reached the limit on my ability to care for him... and he wont let himself be taken to a hospital.

I think he wants to die... but at home. Which I can understand.

But I was able to get my objection noted, that Im not just letting him do this.

Okay I do have one severe annoyance over this whole situation: my dad is pretty hard of hearing, keeps his tv super loud, but he wants to talk to me and I have to basically scream for him to hear me. It hurts my throat and gets annoying.

ZangsBeard posted...

but the state hes in now I think I could be charged with elder abuse

Elder abuse sounds more like not calling someone to come help if he's shitting himself and can't move

Well cleaning him yourself seems an option too but it's okay to not feel up to it.

GreenMario posted...

Elder abuse sounds more like not calling someone to come help if he's shitting himself and can't move

Well cleaning him yourself seems an option too but it's okay to not feel up to it.

Yeah, thats what I mean. If I hadnt called and he died, then they come and find him in that state and I never tried

He doesnt think so, but hes just being argumentative to anything that suggests he goes to see a doctor.

And yeah, I cant clean him... especially not in at least a tub. But I cant move him to the tub... I dont have the stomach. Just the blanket made me nearly puke. I think I only didnt because I didnt have anything to bring up.

Im hungry and cant eat now

Not gonna lie, I think the issue here is less "needs immediate medical attention" and more "needs to be sent to assisted living."

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Hes had some for a long time, since his cancer issues. Ive been trying to get him to wear them. Hes refusing.

Crazyman93 posted...

Not gonna lie, I think the issue here is less "needs immediate medical attention" and more "needs to be sent to assisted living."

Cant force him to do that any more than I can force him to go to the hospital.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


ZangsBeard posted...

literally sitting in a pile of his own shit.

He claims he isnt but he is...

Being stern doesnt do anything. He just starts arguing more against it.

I have neither the will nor the physical strength to force him to do anything... let alone forcefully put him into depends.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


It would only slightly mitigate it... he really needs to be somewhere where people can deal with that. Diapers would only... maybe contain the situation. But hes still have to get up and put them on and he cant move.

I dont know who his doctor is and I dont have money to hire a lawyer or anything like that... not to mention hes being proud and he doesnt even want that.

sigh.

I got some sleep... got up to go check on him. He wants food. Make him a sandwhich after having to literally scream to get him to hear me.

Then I have to sit in there... it smells better.

Then he finishes his sandwich and says he doesnt need anything else

literally 20 seconds after Im back to my room hes yelling my name.

go back, get what he wants, go back to my room,

20 seconds later hes screaming again.

for not wanting to be a bother youre waiting until Im across the house to fucking yell at me.

and I just went into the fridge to get a soda and the food I bought last night smells absolutely disgusting to me... and Im hungry as fuck.

why am I the only dutiful child out of his brood.

ZangsBeard posted...

Cant force him to do that any more than I can force him to go to the hospital.

I mean, yeah, but you also don't have to live with him.

Disclosure: My relationship with my father is mediocre on a good day, and usually bad to terrible. If you actually feel affection for your father you shouldn't take my advice.

Crazyman93 posted...

I mean, yeah, but you also don't have to live with him.

Disclosure: My relationship with my father is mediocre on a good day, and usually bad to terrible. If you actually feel affection for your father you shouldn't take my advice.

I couldnt move out right now if I wanted to...

Getting to that age and having your body basically start shutting down must be terrifying. I don't necessarily blame TCs dad for not wanting to go to the hospital or wear an adult diaper or things like that. Thats when it sets in mentally that you're on your way out, he probably just wants to keep some semblance of normalcy while he still has it. It's a terrible situation all around, sorry TC.

Kloe_Rinz posted...

Getting to that age and having your body basically start shutting down must be terrifying. I don't necessarily blame TCs dad for not wanting to go to the hospital or wear an adult diaper or things like that. Thats when it sets in mentally that you're on your way out, he probably just wants to keep some semblance of normalcy while he still has it. It's a terrible situation all around, sorry TC.

This pretty much nails it, yeah.

ZangsBeard posted...

I couldnt move out right now if I wanted to...

Given the rents around me right now, I know. It sucks. And it really sucks you're the one stuck taking care of your father. I expect mine won't be much better. He already needs a hearing aid and won't admit it to himself.

Crazyman93 posted...

Given the rents around me right now, I know. It sucks. And it really sucks you're the one stuck taking care of your father. I expect mine won't be much better. He already needs a hearing aid and won't admit it to himself.

Mine could probably use some sort of hearing device but hes refused any help

Its not just rent, Im unemployed right now. And in order to even find, let alone work a job, Id have to start neglecting him. I dont mind taking care of him, and what not. But hes just progressed too far for what I can do

So I guess we just wait. Im pretty sure in his mind hell just get better and not be a burden.

ZangsBeard posted...

Hes a vet so that should all be taken care of I think. Either way, what would it matter? Let him die in a puddle of his own filth?

Of course not. It matters because you're better off looking for a senior care/nursing home or a long term care facility for him that the VA can provide him. You should contact your local VA and get in touch with a social worker that can help you with this. Also if moving him is absolutely not an option, see if they can provide a caregiver without paying out of pocket.

It's an awful situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with it alone atm. If you can get in contact with your siblings, try to get them to help lift some of the burden even if you have to yell at them.

CommonStar posted...

Of course not. It matters because you're better off looking for a senior care/nursing home or a long term care facility for him that the VA can provide him. You should contact your local VA and get in touch with a social worker that can help you with this. Also if moving him is absolutely not an option, see if they can provide a caregiver without paying out of pocket.

It's an awful situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with it alone atm. If you can get in contact with your siblings, try to get them to help lift some of the burden even if you have to yell at them.

They want nothing to do with him. One said, and I quote wants nothing from him in life or death

I am the only child who has never gone no contact. Theyre also only half siblings and I dont have their contact information.

I also am absolutely not going to berate someone about this. Im having to deal with confrontation enough as it is for my ptsd and anxiety.

Hell... out of the four I dont even know what states the girls live in, and the one brother straight up blocked me on Facebook. I hadnt even talked to him in over 15 years

The last is the one that disowned his father.

This story is heartbreaking. I'm sorry that your dad is combative, TC. Have your siblings all disavowed contact before this, or is this a new thing?

We tried to get my dad to go to the hospital the day he died but he refused. I don't know if things would be different if we forced him to go but it's a regret I have.

Alucard188 posted...

This story is heartbreaking. I'm sorry that your dad is combative, TC. Have your siblings all disavowed contact before this, or is this a new thing?

No, theyve all gone no contact multiple times in life. For various reasons I know and some I dont.

i actually only met 3 of them when I was 14 when one of the bothers, who was making a ton of money, hosted a family gathering and paid for all the airfare across the country. I found out and wanted to meet them, and they said I could if I paid. Mind you he was making in the range of 250k a year at the time

the other brother didnt even show.

Both brothers showed up for my moms (not theirs) funeral 5 years ago because she helped raise them for a short bit, but the sisters didnt. Even after finding out about my mothers death they didnt even send any condolences or anything.

Crimsoness posted...

We tried to get my dad to go to the hospital the day he died but he refused. I don't know if things would be different if we forced him to go but it's a regret I have.

I just dont want him to suffer... and be laying in his own waste. but he vacillates from I dont want to be a bother to I dont want to go to the hospital depending on which mode he thinks will be a better argument. Its like... youve made the house smell so bad I cant eat... you literally cant use the first argument anymore, man

Like I think its trying to die with dignity or some such... but hes beyond that point... and he still wants food...

ZangsBeard posted...

They want nothing to do with him. One said, and I quote wants nothing from him in life or death

I am the only child who has never gone no contact. Theyre also only half siblings and I dont have their contact information.

I also am absolutely not going to berate someone about this. Im having to deal with confrontation enough as it is for my ptsd and anxiety.

That's rough, man. Right now, I'd get power of attorney and then talk to a VA social worker for options. You cannot shoulder this on your own and hospitals aren't meant for long term care. You also have to take care of yourself first.

I've been in a similar situation with both my grandparents and it was awful. They unfortunately, were not vets.

CommonStar posted...

That's rough, man. Right now, I'd get power of attorney and then talk to a VA social worker for options. You cannot shoulder this on your own and hospitals aren't meant for long term care. You also have to take care of yourself first.

I've been in a similar situation with both my grandparents and it was awful. They unfortunately, were not vets.

Well, power of attorney for something like this requires getting doctors to sign off on it, so I need to try to figure out who to call in that beurocratic mess first... if I could even get that far. And theres the financial aspect.

It may seem like Im just stamping my feet and refusing all input, but Im listening. But theres only so much I can realistically do.

today its gotten to if I tell him hes covered in shit he has two basic responses:

Make a face, and state some platitude about it being gross, then doing nothing.

Just straight up saying thats not true.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I dont have that ability, and power of attorney is not an easy thing to get. You have to show that the person isnt acting in their own self interest or with their own cognizance. Which would require at least two doctors to testify to it against him.

I know this because Ive gone through this for my wife as well...

If I could make him go, hed already be there.

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One physician isnt enough, and I know he hasnt seen a doctor in well over a year. And as I already said its not that easy. And an after the fact ambulance cost is a lot easier to deal with than up front costs for fighting for power of attorney.

And, like I said, it cant be done swiftly.

I'm not sure what to do. I work on an ambulance but we can't force anyone to go to the hospital unless either: they give consent to go, they're unresponsive, confused, or a minor (in which case, consent is implied), we get ordered by a physician to take them (usually we call a physician because the patient is requesting a medical refusal and they can reject it), or they have an involuntary commitment order which requires the police to restrain him and go to the hospital (usually this is for psyche patients). idk which one of those would help you to get him there, but it sounds like your dad is definitely in a state where he can't take care of himself and needs some kind of assistance at the minimium.

Maybe call 911 again? Or maybe 311 and ask for a social worker? I haven't heard this 2 physician thing, but maybe it's something that your state mandates?

idk what else I can do to help. Sorry

If the VA treated him/you that way, I would contact your US Representative for help. Also try your local news consumer advocate.

: (

A social worker might be able to help you - At the very least give you someone to talk to about your personal situation.

Just remember - You've been put in a bad situation and you are trying your best. This is not your fault and don't beat yourself up over it.

Sariana21 posted...

If the VA treated him/you that way, I would contact your US Representative for help. Also try your local news consumer advocate.

Treated what way? I havent even been able to talk to them

foxhound101 posted...

: (

A social worker might be able to help you - At the very least give you someone to talk to about your personal situation.

Just remember - You've been put in a bad situation and you are trying your best. This is not your fault and don't beat yourself up over it.

Im not beating myself up, Im having ptsd and intrusive thoughts... Im trying to get some sort of social worker.

ZangsBeard posted...

Treated what way? I havent even been able to talk to them

I misread. I thought you were referring to the VA, but I realize now that you were referring to your family members.

So contact the VA, and maybe your US Rep too. Many communities have local veterans and/or military offices; you could start there if needed. Even a recruitment center might be able to connect you to the right people.

So lately my dad has been feeling lonely and asks me to sit down with him for awhile... which results in some small talk, or maybe him reminiscing about his family. All understandable.

This morning I went to go check on him and he asked me to sit down and I had to flat refuse. The smell has gotten so bad I can smell it as soon as I leave my room on the far side of the house let alone in that room... I literally cant cook food in this house now

But he just refuses to accept its that bad.

Ask for temporary guardianship and force him to go to the hospital.

Call the cops on him. It will make for a more entertaining story for CE.

Damn. I actually don't know what I would do, sorry that is way to complicated for me.

Tyranthraxus posted...

Ask for temporary guardianship and force him to go to the hospital.

I just looked into it and its just a different type of power of attorney but requires many of the same things. You cant just request it and be given it. You have to have a physician state that its necessary, and he could easily fight it.

Its not as simple as going I want this for him because I think its in his best interest. Ultimately he has freedom of choice and bodily autonomy. Whether or not its necessarily in his best interest.

MrCokeacola posted...

Call the cops on him. It will make for a more entertaining story for CE.

Wut? You do realize that the police arent just going to show up and force him, right? Nor is the suffering of an old man meant to be entertainment for you.

Haejin posted...

Damn. I actually don't know what I would do, sorry that is way to complicated for me.

Its all complicated and theres only so much one can do. He had the freedom to choose not to go... even if it results in his death. Which might be what he wants. The dignity to die at home.

Maybe VA covers certain amount of hours for a in home nurse to come, atleast then they can monitor the important things. I don't know though.