Board 8 > Coping with Parental Mortality

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I'm going to get all emotional in here, just warning you.

My mom has Alzheimer's but has generally not been really bad off. She can't remember anything and is in assisted living, but I could deal with that. Anyway, today she fell and broke her hip, and it just seems obvious now that she's on a decline. Feels like maybe a year left, but doctors can't say for sure.

My dad passed away a decade ago and that really sucked for everyone. I was in a deep depressive state for maybe a year and have been pretty much normal depressed ever since.

I'm 39 now and I obviously know that losing parents is a part of life but jesus it sucks so hard. I was kind of a sheltered kid and really relied on them a lot. When I think about me being "on my own" for some reason I get really anxious, even though I've been living on my own since I was 20 basically. Like I hate the idea that I will no longer be someone's kid, that there's not going to be a house I can just go to and be taken care of for a day, if that makes sense.

Anyway my mom's having surgery and it'll probably be fine but it also probably won't. Life sucks. thanks for reading.

My parents were 41 when I was born, and my mom's side is not particularly long-lived. She had a better run than most in her family, and made it to 75. She still had some health issues, and this was not terribly long after my dad's parents (who were long-lived) had just passed. I can't imagine what that was like for my dad, who was just taking care of people for like a decade straight, but he remarried a few years later, and then they discovered advanced cancer.

Not having the safety net of your parents to go back to is awkward. I feel for the people who never had good parental support, but my parents were always there to rely on, and I did. Any problem I had, I would contact them first. When that was swept away, I then faced a long, slow process of trying to clean out my parents' house -- the house I grew up in -- which was full of memories and also a lot of really interesting and potentially valuable things. Rather than dumping it, I found some folks to help me respectfully unload all the ham radios and model railroads and hummels and everything else. I broke down more than a few times at the awareness that so many things they preserved were not salable and not savable...not any more.

And then once they were gone, yes, there was a very strong hollowness in my life. I'm not married. I don't have a "someone else" in my life. But I've managed to lean on the people I have, people not related by blood but people who in turn lean on me. And we get by.

It sounds to me like, in a way, you're already somewhat on your own. If your mom is lacking in wherewithal, you're not going to her for support. It will be painfully to watch the end, but the idea of her actually being gone won't actually be any different for you than you have it now...not objectively, anyway. Obviously there's the psychological side of things, and there's nothing any of us can say for that other than assure you you'll come out the other side.

I may need this topic soon Hopefully not but signs are not pointing in the right direction.

My mom has blood cancer. They're not sure the exact type and advancement yet. She's going for more tests in the next few weeks. But signs don't point towards good news.

I feel like I've been putting up the defensive shields, trying to maintain calm and reassurance because that's all I can do. But it's this constant low thrum in my thoughts. There's been times I feel distracted and can forget about the reality for a while. And then there's points when I just feel like bursting out into tears. And this is literally just the beginning...

It's so overwhelming.

I'm so sorry for everyone in this topic. I recently dealt with the loss of my grandfather, but I can't even imagine having to face my own parent's mortality.

hey, i see this topic but didn't feel like i had time to address it. my mom passed away the years ago from cancer and my dad has memory loss and diminished function, so i think i can relate to what you're going through. it sucks and there is nothing good about it, but it sounds like you're strong, and we're here for you to talk to.

I've gone through this too

every once in awhile I think about my mother's age, she is now older than when my grandmother, her mother, passed away AND now shes older than my father was when he passed as well

HER grand mother, my great grandmother, lived til she was 90. it would be nice to have that

but yea, shes definitely nearing her time.

I took it hard when my father passed. I still have complicated feelings about him, he was very admirable but at the same time very flawed and not the best dad, but he was still there for us. It didn't help his death brought many problems to the family, and to me, but thats another story

anyways, ....I think losing my mother is gonna destroy me for awhile. Its going to happen. I wonder if I am "hardened" to the idea now , since I lost my father, or its gonna be as or even worse when it happens. I don't think this is something you can get used to. any and all pain you suffer from losing someone is normal. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are justified

thanks friends. it's nice to hear other people have gone through stuff like this.

I was a really unpopular kid (obviously if I'm a single 39 year old posting on gamefaqs) and they were really the only people I "liked" until high school. they were also really weird too so we were just this really small insular family who were into video games and music. I know a lot of my grief stems from this place of pseudo "privilege" where if they were assholes it wouldn't hurt so bad.

anyway - my mom actually did pretty well in surgery so I maybe overreacted slightly, which is good news. that being said.. she still has alzheimer's and has to go through physical therapy to learn to use a walker now. it's possible she just forgets how to walk and is just in a wheelchair now, but we'll see.