Current Events > I found out my mom cheated on my dad with his cousin

(+) Yeah! (+)

This whole story is fucking wild.

So my sister's wedding reception was this last week. My mom's friend and her daughter flew in to stay with my parents and they went to the wedding. My mom's ring went missing and she accused her friend's daughter without any proof and called her a (TW: mean lgtbq word) dike; then of course they got in a huge screaming match. When her friend got back home, she wrote on my mom's Facebook wall "Mompooplol had an affair with Dadpooplols Cousin" out of spite or something, idk. She took it down like 10 minutes later, but my brother saw it. At first we just dismissed it as her making shit up to smear my mom, but I thought it sounded too weirdly specific to be made up and I couldnt let it go. so I messaged my mom's friend last night and was like "Hey, is what you said true? I'm sorry for my mom's behavior, that was out of line. I just want to know the truth". And she admitted it was true with enough details that I believe her.

A little more context my dad had a stroke back in 2014, and it left him pretty handicapped on the left side. My moms friend told me my mom had been feeling pretty lonely in that regard since then.

Now I feel completely awful. I have loads of anger and resentment toward my mom. But Idk if I should tell my siblings or my dad. Hes pretty much dependent on my mom, so I think the only thing that would come from it would be a lot of hurt feelings. But my mom just messaged me this morning about some pretty banal stuff, and I almost had a panic attack.

This is really rough :( My wife is helping me find a therapist now, but in the meantime Im having a lot of trouble. My dad is one of my favorite people in the whole world. And my mom betrayed him with one of his only friends.

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Yeah, I think you should probably just get therapy on your own.

It sounds like your Dad is dependent on your Mom and that him knowing this would only hurt him more. If it happened in 2014, it's possible it was just a bad point in your Mom's life and she has grown past it and put it behind her. Damaging their relationship now might just cause more problems.

Your Mom acted inappropriately, but how does she act towards you regularly? I just don't see any net positive from you telling him. Even that woman who posted it on FB (a massive overreaction because she hurt YOU over simple name calling.) wound up taking it down because she knew what she did was wrong.

Also, why did she call your parents Mompoop and Dadpoop? Is she an even bigger idiot than this story lets on? EDIT: Oh, I just saw your username lol

Scofield?

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Irony posted...

Scofield?

That dude doesn't pretend to have a wife. He pretends to be a PUA with a really lame watch gimmick.

EnglishBullDoug posted...

If it happened in 2014

It happened several times, apparently. Idk when it first happened, but the last was 2 years ago. She flew to florida with said friend and convinced him to fly there and meet her.

EnglishBullDoug posted...

but how does she act towards you regularly?

me, fine. But she has really hurt my wife in the past which pretty much forced her to have like 3 therapy sessions dedicated to the event to get over it. So the relationship is definitely strained.

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Irony posted...

Scofield?

Some users here can confirm I have a wife I believe @harley2280 @kbelfisBACK

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Well, it sounds like your Mom is a pretty psychologically abusive person. But I don't know if that means crossing the boundaries of impacting your father's life unless you are willing to help him in the ways she is. (You said he is dependent on her and suffered a stroke, so that could be heavy weight to carry.)

You should definitely talk to your Mom about her behavior in general and how it impacts your relationship with her. And if that means distancing yourself from her to let her know that her terrible behavior has consequences, perhaps it will get her to rethink her general behavior towards your Dad, maybe not. But I don't think you can control them, or really control their relationship and I'm not sure telling on her would really solve anything.

Maybe the best you could do is tell her that you know, it has really damaged your opinion of her and that on top of the verbal abuse she gives you, you just can't deal with her anymore. But you can't force her not to cheat or be a better person. All you can do is control your input of the relationship.

Sorry you are going through this. Conflicts with destructive family members are very difficult, especially if you love them.

I'm not here to troll, but are you the same guy who moved in with the wife's family for a while and had a few beers you forgot to clean up after, leading to your wife's mother to go into hysterics about you being an alcoholic? I read #5 and got a flashback to that thread.

With that being said, I'm sorry you had to learn about a shitty thing your mom did. That's a heavy burden to carry, definitely an ethical quandary, and frankly it would have probably been better if you never found out.

Though I do want to chime in - your mom sounds kinda batshit insane. Provoking her friend's daughter with a slur, fucking your second cousin behind your dad's back... your mom's a mess dude. Saying that with love towards you, not out of derision.

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That's rough. But obviously your dad needs the help so as long as she's doing that, I dunno. My wife has an uncle who had a stroke and his wife kept taking care of him for quite a while with a live-in boyfriend, lolz. Eventually dumped him in a nursing home, though. :(

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MrMallard posted...

I'm not here to troll, but are you the same guy who moved in with the wife's family for a while and had a few beers you forgot to clean up after, leading to your wife's mother to go into hysterics about you being an alcoholic? I read #5 and got a flashback to that thread.

Not me

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MrMallard posted...

I'm not here to troll, but are you the same guy who moved in with the wife's family for a while and had a few beers you forgot to clean up after, leading to your wife's mother to go into hysterics about you being an alcoholic? I read #5 and got a flashback to that thread.

That sounds like a scenario my wife and I was in, but I never mentioned it on gamefaqs lol

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ClunkerSlim posted...

My advice is dont say shit.
Vent to your therapist.

Usually don't agree with Clunker, but he's right. I heard some traumatic shit a while back, and I was in a position where I could vent to a counsellor while it was still fresh. Probably the most vulnerable I've ever been. She really helped me through it, and I didn't bring it up with the relevant party for 2 or 3 years afterwards.

If you have access to a mental health professional, it's honestly a great idea to sound it out with them and get some input.

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That's a really fucked up situation you're in but telling your siblings or your dad would only bring more hurt, though at the very least your dad deserves to know. Not sure if it's worth it. Tough spot especially because he's dependent on her.
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Uh I don't know what to say to this
Hopefully your father can move on from the shitty situation
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I largely agree with people that telling him would only bring pain. But part of me wonders if that is that my decision to make? Am i being dishonest by omission by not giving them the knowledge of the truth?

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Come on TC, think about it. Once you tell your Dad you cannot un-tell him. You don't have any idea what negative ramifications it could have to his living situation and furthermore you don't know what those ramifications will do to YOU.

You were never meant to know this in the first place. I'm sorry, TC, but I feel if you should confront anyone about it, it should be your mother. That way, the person responsible will know her actions are causing harm and maybe she will take action to correct her behavior. But as it stands, your Dad relies on your Mom as support. Do you want to attack the foundation of his well being?

go to a therapist if you struggle dealing with this, to me this seems pretty mild given the circumstances, people are flawed, people fuck up, she was lonely and she fucked up, forgive her and move on for your own sake imho

but go see a therapist if you don't feel you can do any of that on your own

Drpooplol posted...

I largely agree with people that telling him would only bring pain. But part of me wonders if that is that my decision to make? Am i being dishonest by omission by not giving them the knowledge of the truth?

Good point. Honestly if I were in your dads situation (or more specifically if someone cheated on me) I would want to know. That being said, it doesn't seem like your dad has a lot of options. So maybe play out what you think the possible outcomes would be if you were to tell him.
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was this a one time thing? because i would respond to that very differently than a repeated affair.

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The truthful way is always the best way to go.


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Giant_Aspirin posted...

was this a one time thing? because i would respond to that very differently than a repeated affair.

From the message it sounded like it was more than once.

And my dad is incredibly loved by myself and my siblings. I'm sure any of us would move our lives around to take him in.


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Given how guilty and upset you feel about this you're eventually going to tell your dad anyway so just go ahead and get it over with

if you're going to say something I would suggest talking with your mother in private about it first

Damn man that's heavy. Obviously none of us know your family like you do but I agree that talking to your mom first might be a good idea

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tag

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Your mom sounds like a shitbag. Even still, no good will come of telling your dad. Unless he brings up suspicions to you, then I wouldn't get involved.

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Damn. I been around some fucked up stuff and I know I'm one to just lean into blissful ignorance if it gets too deep and feels like something that will ripple if I get involved. It's a crazy amount of pressure I try to avoid at all costs. I think about this exact scenario (with other family members) and always come to the conclusion that I would probably keep it in house and only talk to the guilty party. Try to understand why they felt the need to do what they did and try to shine any insight I might be able to come up with.

But it's tough man. Nomatter what you do, just remind yourself you're not really the one responsible for what may come from your actions forward. You didn't ask to be in this position. You were forced here by the mistakes of others.

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Balrog0 posted...

Damn man that's heavy. Obviously none of us know your family like you do but I agree that talking to your mom first might be a good idea

Yeah, i think if I do tell anyone anything that would be the first step.

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Drpooplol posted...

I largely agree with people that telling him would only bring pain. But part of me wonders if that is that my decision to make? Am i being dishonest by omission by not giving them the knowledge of the truth?

One way to look at it is this:

Do you want to tell him for his sake, or do you want to tell him to relieve the pressure and guilt this news puts on you? I wouldn't even judge if it was the latter, because it's a fucking lot for you to be carrying right now.

Will the pain of this news outweigh the benefit of living in ignorance?

I feel like I've come off as an ass in this topic, but I ask legitimately. There's no doubt that what you've learned is a big deal and I imagine it's going to be eating at you until it's addressed - which is why I agree with ClunkerSlim that the best course of action here might be to see a mental healthcare professional and bounce it off of them first. Getting it out like that can help you address it later on in a measured manner.

If your dad relies on your mom for care, how much is this going to disrupt his entire life if he finds out?

Honestly, I'd rather be told rather than be left in the dark while some shit's going on behind my back. I get where you're coming from. But at the same time, if I have limited mobility and I rely on a loved one to care for me... how awful and shitty is it going to be to learn about that and deal with the fallout, when I'm basically forced to be around them? That changes everything about that relationship. That hurts. And if she's his primary caregiver, that could disrupt his standard of care depending on the fallout.

It's your call. But I think you should see someone, or even call a helpline or something, before you decide to tell your dad. Sound it out and process it with another human being. And take it from there, even if you march home after your session and announce that your mom's been fucking your dad's cousin.

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Tc its not your place to decide if the truth is best for your father.
It is dishonesty as well, withholding the truth from someone, especially when its about another person hurting or deceiving them.

You weren't told this in confidence so you should let your father know reality. Him being handicapped does not make you withholding the truth from him okay.

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