Current Events > My dad's threatening to kill himself bc none of his children talk to him

(+) Yeah! (+)

Yeah if you report him for suicidal threats you need to include he has a gun though. Thats super important information theyd need to know when responding to a crisis like that.

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Reasoning logically didnt work for me; thinking life wasnt bound by particular rules - using fuck myself as a steam.. I used it to say fuck what Im feeling, I forgive you at the cost of them never understanding. There was one point they finally, finally did and I cried very hard that day - I was very angry that day. I got what I wanted and it didnt feel great - I still feel that way but now its on me to understand they would go back to try and fix something considering theyre saying it

I wrote some things before that, but I didnt feel very good wanting to post that so I hope it makes sense to an extent. You should let yourself breathe. Im at the point now where Im trying to see how to get into therapy more so because that sort of anger really has led to blatant abuse in my life. You also tend to become extremely hard on yourself for no reason. Guilt tripping someone is never cool, but in my experience, someone who is angry - truly angry will never break with more anger.. only kindness, true and honest kindness that requires you to break a piece of your heart and yourself to give to someone else and feel that piece missing for awhile until you can fill it with self love

Im very sorry you are going through something like this. I am in the same boat, my heart nowadays has heart palpitations and my face was paralyzed for like a month because of how hard and stressful things were getting for me.. it gets easier and easier the more you can accept certain aspects of your life is what I can tell you. When you can truly put it behind you - maybe now is not the time considering what you have going on. Until then just be kind to yourself man, I really hope you are being kind to yourself

You can PM me and ask me about it whenever - Im trying to see about getting myself into therapy since its been a long strange trip since

You should do the same

I understand and sympathize with that. But like some others are saying it does seem like a cry for help, yes there was a complicated past but you said yourself that you're grown up so perhaps there is chance for a phone call or something just to check. And like some others have pointed out that you are probably safe in a phone call and not in immediate threat although it may open up some past wounds or whatnot. As much as it might hurt you said yourself it could help save his life and I agree with that too. In my opinion I would help, you made this thread to get opinions and like some others have suggested there are unique options to go about this.

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yeh nah i remember most of the stuff you've said about your dad and that refresher... just wow. the dude is human garbage, sorry. what he does isn't on you guys 100%. like the other user said get a wellbeing check on him so he knows you give some semblance of a shit and leave it at that. don't respond to that childish manipulation thing he has going on.

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Well I actually do apologize because from my direct first response was harsh because I was combining past posts in my response, as a direct response to this EXACT thread it seems harsh I didn't mean it like that. Everyone is jumping on me for that and I apologize it does seem wrong and if I read the whole post thoroughly I would have responded differently (see post #55). So I apologize that's my bad I'm sorry. I just heard a cry for a suicidal man and in these times of social media people need to look out those cries for help too you know.

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Tenlaar posted...

I haven't spoken to either of my parents in years now because of their drinking. You did not get any say in who your father is and you have no obligation whatsoever to maintain a relationship with him. If he genuinely makes your life worse then I would say that you have an obligation to yourself to cut him out, especially since from what I've seen you post you have made a lot of progress dealing with some difficult things.

It seems like your parents lashing out at you has conditioned you to feel like the cause of their problems rather than a victim of them. That's dangerous thinking and something you should really try to watch for in yourself and correct when it's happening. You are not responsible for your parents' lives.

Thank you, I think youre right. I still blame myself for my moms death, but its gotten easier as Ive gotten older. Ill try to watch those thought patterns

Kisai posted...

No it doesn't. It wasn't your fault that he started drinking, it wasn't your fault that he abused you, and it won't be your fault if he kills himself. It'll be his fault. His actions led him to this situation. If he didn't care about any of you guys back then, why would that change now? He's still acting selfishly. I don't see any, "How are my children doing, are you guys going okay? Are you safe?" it's, "Give me attention or I'll kill myself." If he doesn't care about you, you don't have to care about him.

Pretty much this. If he had said anything concerning us maybe Id be more willing to talk to him. Instead, all hes communicated over the last few months is how its not fair we dont talk to him. About how were really hurting him, etc.

Foppe posted...

But whatever you do, it is not your fault. He is not your responsibility and you are not selfish.

Thank you

Tyranthraxus posted...

It's not your fault. It's emotional blackmail and gaslighting to make you think it's your fault but it isn't. He's lying to you straight up. Don't fall for it.

Master_Bass posted...

It's a common manipulation tactic. If you're really worried about him going through with it get him committed. That'll get him the help he needs, or teach him not to make such threats.

Jabodie posted...

Tbh the fact that he said this is just another reason you shouldn't talk to him.

Turbam posted...

He's trying to guilt trip you
Let the fucker be miserable, it's his own damn fault.

This is what it feels like tbh. The first thing my mind jumped to after reading that text was that hes just saying it to get our attention. He has a history of gaslighting. Maybe its the story of the boy who cried wolf, but its too late

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berlyman101 posted...

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

That didn't happen to me when my family called 911. Then again, I was just on the floor crying hugging one of my dogs.
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Harpie posted...

Thank you, I think youre right. I still blame myself for my moms death, but its gotten easier as Ive gotten older. Ill try to watch those thought patterns

That's terrible, and it makes it even worse for him to use that threat as a manipulation tactic. That's incredibly fucked up. I've noticed that your default response seems to be going straight to guilt for not living your life as if your purpose is to be an abuse sponge for damaged people around you. I hope you can keep in mind that that's not true and that you deserve to be treated with kindness, caring, and respect.

I had the police do a wellness check on my suicidal ex bf. He was extremely illogical. Early in our relationship we got tipsy and he kinda spontaneously started taking off my clothes. I actually was already in the mood and was fine with it, but after we had sex he was absolutely convinced that I thought he raped me. I kept telling him it was fine but he wouldn't hear it. He eventually texted me that he wanted to hurt himself over it so I called the police. He got admitted to inpatient psych for a few days.


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Wellness checks are better than ignoring.

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Harpie posted...

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him? Cause I really feel like it

No. You've done your part, TC. Forgive them, if only for your own well-being, but do not go back to them--move on.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Louis B. Smedes

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Forgiveness is an extremely important skill many of us have forgotten.

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only skimmed the thread so far so apologies if anything is off base

I grew up with an abusive, narcissistic father, and had an event similar to this last year, where he blew up at basically the whole family, sent cryptic texts, then locked himself in his apartment and wouldnt answer the phone. It was all an act, of course, to try and get sympathy after he caused a huge fight. He blamed my sister and her boyfriend for all of it, because he had asked my dad to stop saying something offensive.

I dont know what to say, because I dont have any good way of dealing with it myself, but its not your fault. Your distance from him is a direct result of his abuse, and that is no fault of your own and is a completely valid response to enduring that for so long. Threats like this, in my anecdotal experience, are an attempt to have your cake and eat it too; they want you back in their life, without having to reckon with what they have done to create the situation. You are a good person TC, and you dont deserve to deal with this.

Regarding calling in wellness checks, I have had to do so on 2 of my exes. The police will not do anything meaningful of course, but they will show up and effectively expose the threat as a manipulative lie. If he may actually have a gun, Im not sure how to proceed with that, though.

Hang in there TC, and dont fall for his manipulation tactics. Wish I had more to say, as you have always been supportive in my threads about my abusive ex, but know that whatever makes you feel safest is whats right to do.

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Threatening suicide isnt an apology to you or your siblings. Id ghost him until hes serious about getting his shit together.

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DarkRoast posted...

I had the police do a wellness check on my suicidal ex bf. He was extremely illogical. Early in our relationship we got tipsy and he kinda spontaneously started taking off my clothes. I actually was already in the mood and was fine with it, but after we had sex he was absolutely convinced that I thought he raped me. I kept telling him it was fine but he wouldn't hear it. He eventually texted me that he wanted to hurt himself over it so I called the police. He got admitted to inpatient psych for a few days.

J-jessy is that you?! It was the age diffrence gurl, yea we were teens but i though i was gonna go to jail...we both know how dumb i am....

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Not that I'd recommend calling bluff on all suicide threats, but it definitely sounds more like a manipulation tactic here.

The people I know who offed themselves did it with little or no warning. I'd say most people who talk about it a lot are looking for sympathy. Best you can do is tell him to get help if he really cares about changing, but you don't really owe him anything by the sounds of it. Whatever he decides to do after that is on him alone.

Tactical_Spork posted...

only skimmed the thread so far so apologies if anything is off base

I grew up with an abusive, narcissistic father, and had an event similar to this last year, where he blew up at basically the whole family, sent cryptic texts, then locked himself in his apartment and wouldnt answer the phone. It was all an act, of course, to try and get sympathy after he caused a huge fight. He blamed my sister and her boyfriend for all of it, because he had asked my dad to stop saying something offensive.

I dont know what to say, because I dont have any good way of dealing with it myself, but its not your fault. Your distance from him is a direct result of his abuse, and that is no fault of your own and is a completely valid response to enduring that for so long. Threats like this, in my anecdotal experience, are an attempt to have your cake and eat it too; they want you back in their life, without having to reckon with what they have done to create the situation. You are a good person TC, and you dont deserve to deal with this.

Regarding calling in wellness checks, I have had to do so on 2 of my exes. The police will not do anything meaningful of course, but they will show up and effectively expose the threat as a manipulative lie. If he may actually have a gun, Im not sure how to proceed with that, though.

Hang in there TC, and dont fall for his manipulation tactics. Wish I had more to say, as you have always been supportive in my threads about my abusive ex, but know that whatever makes you feel safest is whats right to do.

I know there's a lot going on with police right now, but in cases like these it's extremely important for people to understand that most do at least have some training in suicide de-escalation and they do have a vital role.

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Sounds like my dad minus the anger and depression sort of. I'm thankful I didn't live with him when he started drinking that happened years after.

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i have nothing insightful to say so i'll just say fuck him and let him deal with the ramifications of his actions

Even if at the end of the day it really was your fault that he committed suicide then why should you care about that? If someone comes up to me and threatens suicide because I'm not a part of their life and I don't really want to be a part of it then just let them die. Not my problem.

Wouldnt a parent who loves me, stop? Wouldnt they try to get better?

there's a parable about this: the scorpion and the frog. there's a river. a scorpion asks a frog for a ride, and stings the frog halfway across, killing them both.

your father would be a happier person today if he didn't hurt the people around him, but it was never in his nature - may not be in his nature - to stop. even if it is in their best interest, even if it is for their own happiness, people cannot change who they are.

and with respect to darkroast's story, i think their dad had a stronger nature; not everyone can do what they did.

Why do I have to be the strong one in this situation?

ultimately, for yourself. hate and anger are heavy things to carry, and there will come a time when you will have to live with the decisions you've made for the rest of your life. i'm not saying you have to be nice to him, or love him, or treat him like a father. i think being strong here is taking a few steps back and looking at the whole picture -- you'd never want to live the life he has, or hurt people the way he did; look at where he is now. you can do better, and until you find a way to shelve the anger, it will harm you and hold you back. forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life.
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Pancake posted...

Wouldnt a parent who loves me, stop? Wouldnt they try to get better?

there's a parable about this: the scorpion and the frog. there's a river. a scorpion asks a frog for a ride, and stings the frog halfway across, killing them both.

your father would be a happier person today if he didn't hurt the people around him, but it was never in his nature - may not be in his nature - to stop. even if it is in their best interest, even if it is for their own happiness, people cannot change who they are.

and with respect to darkroast's story, i think their dad had a stronger nature; not everyone can do what they did.

Why do I have to be the strong one in this situation?

ultimately, for yourself. hate and anger are heavy things to carry, and there will come a time when you will have to live with the decisions you've made for the rest of your life. i'm not saying you have to be nice to him, or love him, or treat him like a father. i think being strong here is taking a few steps back and looking at the whole picture -- you'd never want to live the life he has, or hurt people the way he did; look at where he is now. you can do better, and until you find a way to shelve the anger, it will harm you and hold you back. forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life.

People can change. I know because i did it

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DarkRoast posted...

I know there's a lot going on with police right now, but in cases like these it's extremely important for people to understand that most do at least have some training in suicide de-escalation and they do have a vital role.

Not denying this, just speaking to my own experiences with it, in cases where it was less a genuine threat and more a manipulation tactic.

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Conflict posted...

Thank you cardoor for your ever-so enlightening input

It's just that simple. If you don't want to be a part of that's person's life then why care about what they might do to themselves? TC's father isn't even making an attempt to get back together and make amends for what he has done. The first thing they said to TC after almost a year of not communicating with them was that they're feeling sad and that it's all TC's fault. They don't care about you so why care back? It's that simple.

People can change. I know because i did it

i don't think everyone can change. my sister had a cycle of jail -> court-mandated rehab -> halfway houses -> jail for most of her adult life, and the only consistent part to any of that was she always had a way to score heroin. she never had the desire, even though she had a kid.
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The sad thing is if Harpie told this story to people over age 35 or 40 most of them would side with her dad.

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Pancake posted...

People can change. I know because i did it

i don't think everyone can change. my sister had a cycle of jail -> court-mandated rehab -> halfway houses -> jail for most of her adult life, and the only consistent part to any of that was she always had a way to score heroin. she never had the desire, even though she had a kid.

I went from very nearly failing out of college to making straight A's and going to medical school. People legitimately can change, but unless you're legitimately ready, it'll always fail.

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what served as your catalyst?

the impression that my sister left on me was that some people had no bottom they could hit that would bounce them forward. she also happened to be a diagnosed psychopath, so there was that. she never thought she should change. she told me once that she had more creativity than the beatles put together, but she put it toward scoring heroin.
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People who act like family is the be all and end all of life on Earth are dingbats. If you're lucky enough to have a supportive family, amazing, but if they're toxic, cut them loose and don't look back.

Pancake posted...

People can change. I know because i did it

i don't think everyone can change. my sister had a cycle of jail -> court-mandated rehab -> halfway houses -> jail for most of her adult life, and the only consistent part to any of that was she always had a way to score heroin. she never had the desire, even though she had a kid.

Depends how bad they actually want to change. And it takes a lot of work and looking at yourself

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You should just copy/paste that first post and send it to you dad, maybe with a few edits imo Harpie

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Harpie posted...

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him? Cause I really feel like it

I had no idea about your family history, Harp. Reading through the topic is difficult as I feel terrible you've had to endure all of that. I'm genuinely wishing you all the best and hope from here on in life as you've suffered more than enough crap than anyone should ever have to. And judging from this topic and the numerous serious responses, if you ever need to you can at least fall back on some of the folks here to talk to or to feel around for opinions.

To be honest, I think you've already been given all the advice you really need, but I will respond to the question I quoted above. No. Not in the slightest. You don't control the choices of anyone and that includes your father. You can influence others like how he's made you scared to this very day, but he doesn't control your actions and you do not control his.

You mentioned some pleasant memories and I think that's what is compelling you to want to reach out. Your story about seeing your friend's mother and wishing you have that kind of parental bond is another. It's ok to want the "perfect family life". There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know that you'll get it with your dad. Not from how you described him. There's a distinct lack of responsibility on his part. You can trace it back to drinking as a sickness or however you want, but there's a serious problem and he needs to change. If he truly wants the affection of his kids, then he has to be the one to make that change. Make him prove to you he's different. You lay the terms. You (and your sisters) have what he wants. He wants to dodge his past misdeeds, then that's his answer to you. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. If he can't meet that, move on.

That's if you even want to allow him to remain in your life and be a part of it. Find out what would make you feel the most whole and happiest. Then decide if he even plays a part in that.

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You're not selfish because you haven't reached out to him, or for anything. You. Are. Not. Selfish.

You. Are. NOT. A. POS.

You're scared, confused, angry, sad, all that shit bunched into one mind right now. The thing to remember is you owe him nothing. The only person you owe anything, is yourself. You gotta search within yourself and really decide how you want to handle this situation, handle it, and be good with yourself making that decision. Whether that be responding back to him, or ghosting him completely. This is a weighty decision that you have to make and be good with. Regardless of which path you decide on, I don't think anyone in their right mind would be upset with you or think you to be selfish in any way. And if they do? Fuck 'em.

Just know whether you decide to call him, text him, reach out to him in any way... that is your decision and you're not selfish, or a piece of shit, stupid, or ANYTHING like that however you decide to handle it.

That's your father, he helped give you life. It's also the man who beat you, berated you, left emotional scars and baggage, etc. He's made his choices and is self aware enough to know the consequences either way. If you decide to ghost him, that's on him and not you. If you decide to reply back and tell him in some way that you still care... that's on you, not him. Either way, you made the right decision in my eyes at least.

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Tell him to go to counseling and then he will get a text. But if you don't... no biggie. He hurt you , and you should not feel bad for escaping .

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Some men don't deserve the respect from their children. I'm sorry you have a toxic father, but it will just be better to cut him out of your life.

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solosnake posted...

You should just copy/paste that first post and send it to you dad, maybe with a few edits imo Harpie

No do not do this. Just don't respond. There is no possible way to respond that won't make things worse for you.

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Tyranthraxus posted...

No do not do this. Just don't respond. There is no possible way to respond that won't make things worse for you.

What could happen if they did send that info to the father?
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-Unowninator- posted...

What could happen if they did send that info to the father?

The father will respond with more bullshit

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Yeah, it sucks and there's no easy way out of this - but his mistakes aren't yours and he's really being a piece of shit threatening to do what your Mom did. Kick him straight to the curb imo. He's made his own bed.

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ZeroX91 posted...

J-jessy is that you?! It was the age diffrence gurl, yea we were teens but i though i was gonna go to jail...we both know how dumb i am....

can we have a follow up on this?

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You know that this may be a cry for help. He did messed up things. He left emotional scars that may never heal. He hurt you all. Yet, he also did do good for you all. He did raise you. He didn't abandon you, even if you may have wished he did.

I mean, your choice is your own. But, if my parent who raised me brought up concerns of killing themself, even if possibly just to elicit a response, I would err on the side of their life. He didn't ask for much. He just said basically he wished his kids had said something nice to him on father's day. A simple "I am sorry. Happy Father's Day" could possibly save a life. Even if you don't truly mean it.

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How have you not cut him off by now tho

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My mom has pulled that nonsense before

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I sent you a PM harpie. I really hope you and your family can forgive one another. It all starts from the heart; through forgiveness, patience and love. Your father can change, he just needs therapy, rehabilitation, and support. He can be like your friends mother, a kind, loving person if he can turn things around. If you need emotional support through this my private board is an excellent resource. I hope you make the right decision.

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gunplagirl posted...

If he decides to kill himself, it wouldn't be your fault. That's just a thought because abusers condition their victims, look up trauma bonding. You have every right to look out for your own well being and safety, even if that means cutting off friends or family.

For what it's worth, this is the first father's day since my dad died and I still haven't cried since he died. I mourned anything I felt for him while he was alive. It's okay to pity them, or wish things had been different. But you don't have to give them more chances after the hell of growing up under them.

He is going to feel guilty though, because it's something he could prevent.

I think you should call him TC. He needs help

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Is it really that hard to send a text? "happy Father's day dad, please don't kill yourself." if he's lying and is still a douche, big whoop you sent a text, if he's serious then you saved a life... This isn't that difficult to do. Please do not drink poison expecting your dad to die because it could very well kill you both.

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Harpie posted...

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him? Cause I really feel like it

you are not.

how is your financial situation, now? are you at any risk of having to consider returning to live at his home?

I dont crave attention. I crave support. I crave someone telling me its going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

lincoln002 posted...

Is it really that hard to send a text? "happy Father's day dad, please don't kill yourself."

yes, it is, for her, because she was a victim of abuse.

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