Current Events > My dad's threatening to kill himself bc none of his children talk to him

(+) Yeah! (+)

BLOGFAQS

I moved out last summer, and havent spoken to him since. My two other sisters were both out by Christmas time. None of us have contacted him

Hes an alcoholic who took his rage out on mostly me for years. Hed black out and get so angry that hed start getting physical. Most times it was him throwing things and screaming at the top of his lungs, but sometimes hed attack me too. Punch me, slap me, bend my arm behind my back and push me into a wall.. and the next morning he would say how hes sorry and that hell never do it again. And that I was being too harsh on him because he couldnt control it

He never really fully apologized, he always had excuses. He blamed my mom, he said that he was depressed, he said his life was hard. But he never actually took accountability for the shit he put me and my sisters through

He sent out a group text to all of us saying that he might as well off himself since none of us reached out on fathers day, and how hes a shit parent who isnt worth anything. He said that hes been intermittently putting a gun in his mouth over the last few weeks

None of us have responded yet, and I really dont want to. Im just so fucking done. Im so done. This is the same shit over and over again, and Im angry. Hes said nothing my how he treated my sisters and I, and how hes at fault for that. I have nightmares of him one night grabbing a fistful of hair and bashing my head into the table all because I left my clothes in the dryer. When anyone raises their hand or reaches around me, I still flinch and scream automatically. People laugh and think its funny how Im so jumpy, but its really not that funny to me. And he doesnt care. Maybe Im being selfish but this is making me angry, not sad for him

But part of me still remembers the good parts of him. When hes sober. Hes really funny and charismatic, and has a lot of good stories. I miss him. If he were to die.. I dont know what I would do. But him threatening this is so fucking horrible. My mom killed herself a few years ago, and now hes threatening to do it too. It feels so fucking gross and awful and manipulative but I dont want to be the reason he dies

Talking to him ruins my mental health. I just get reminded of all those awful fucking years in that house and it feels so selfish that I cant just get over it. Maybe hes different this time, but he says that everytime. This is the first time hes threatened to kill himself though

Im really conflicted and confused and angry. I want to block his number again but I dont want to be the reason that both my parents die. I dont want to do this anymore, I dont want to deal with it. I want to move on and pretend that the last 20 years never fucking happened.. I wish I had a dad was normal and supportive and loved me :(

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him? Cause I really feel like it

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Tldr

talk to him or find him a hobby. It's fathers day yo

Harpie posted...

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him?

No.

Stop responding to him.

You don't owe him anything. He's not a father he's just a sire.

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Harpie posted...

Hes an alcoholic who took his rage out on mostly me for years.

That's all I have to hear.

Am I a selfish pos because I dont want to respond to him? Cause I really feel like it

No, you're not. If he didn't want to be in this situation, maybe he shouldn't have become an alcoholic and start abusing his children. He made his bed, now he can sleep in it.

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Ive been talking to an old friend, and he has a great relationship with his parents. We were facetiming and his mom popped in, noticed me, apologized for interrupting and said hi. Him and her chatted a bit and she left the room. I had to stop myself from just immediately bursting into tears because she was so nice. She was really kind, I could tell. She loved him so much. She wasnt aggressive, she didnt accuse him of anything, she was inquizitive and really sweet. She said that she loved him. I was never told that by my mom. She probably said it less than 5 times in my entire life

Ugh I feel like Im being a whiney baby. This is all really heavy and I wanna get it off my chest I guess. Sorry

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sLaCkEr408___RJ posted...

Tldr

talk to him or find him a hobby. It's fathers day yo

you REALLY should have read her story, dude

Tell him to quit drinking and actually change for good, and maybe you'll talk to him

I went through something similar and being cold was the only way I could do it

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You should send the screenshots of the text to the cops, and report that hes threatening suicide. They will do a wellness check, and offer him help if he accepts.

Thats all you can do, really.

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sLaCkEr408___RJ posted...

Tldr

talk to him or find him a hobby. It's fathers day yo

He already has a hobby and his own life. Hes a chess tutor to little kids and loves it

Tyranthraxus posted...

No.

Stop responding to him.

You don't owe him anything. He's not a father he's just a sire.

Even if he might die? How do I try to shift the blame off of me, it feels like everything is all my fault

Kisai posted...

That's all I have to hear.

No, you're not. If he didn't want to be in this situation, maybe he shouldn't have become an alcoholic and start abusing his children. He made his bed, now he can sleep in it.

This is true, this is what Ive pretty much figured. It makes things complicated now that hes suicidal though. But he was an adult who did those things. He blames us for being difficult, which I dont think is fair..

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MFBKBass5 posted...

You should send the screenshots of the text to the cops, and report that hes threatening suicide. They will do a wellness check, and offer him help if he accepts.

Thats all you can do, really.

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

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Isnt there someplace to report a guy threatening to commit suicide?

i don't think there's a clean way out of this where you end up happy, and i'm sorry to say that. 20 years aren't going to vanish into thin air.

It feels so fucking gross and awful and manipulative but I dont want to be the reason he dies

it is, and no matter what, you won't be.

that said, you have to look down the road for this one. you are in a volatile situation, and the decisions you make now may follow you down that road for the rest of your life. as justified as i was at the time, i regret the fights i had and resentment i held towards the people that are gone now, and there's nothing i can do about it. all i can say is act in a way you will not later regret.

the high road is always harder to take. forgiveness isn't the easiest thing on the fucking planet, either. but i think your father is fundamentally wounded, and so long as you look at him and see a person you wouldn't ever want to become, i think that leaves room for sympathy, or at least pity.
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berlyman101 posted...

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

At what percentage? Because I'm gonna correctly assume that a lot more people die by suicide each year than by wellness checks (or by police in general) by a very large percentage.

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berlyman101 posted...

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

Ok thats a tiny percentage of what usually happens in a wellness check. Its better than him just straight up doing it.

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Smackems posted...

Tell him to quit drinking and actually change for good, and maybe you'll talk to him

I went through something similar and being cold was the only way I could do it

Maybe. But Ive said that millions of times it feels like. Hes said millions of times that hell change. But hes too proud to go to AA or therapy, he says he doesnt need it. He claims that hes not an alcoholic because he could stop drinking at any time if he wanted to. He just doesnt want to stop

MFBKBass5 posted...

You should send the screenshots of the text to the cops, and report that hes threatening suicide. They will do a wellness check, and offer him help if he accepts.

Thats all you can do, really.

Thats a good idea. I dont need the screenshot to do the wellness check I can just call and tell them probably. That way he can have the opportunity to get support but I dont have to talk to him

Thank you

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If he decides to kill himself, it wouldn't be your fault. That's just a thought because abusers condition their victims, look up trauma bonding. You have every right to look out for your own well being and safety, even if that means cutting off friends or family.

For what it's worth, this is the first father's day since my dad died and I still haven't cried since he died. I mourned anything I felt for him while he was alive. It's okay to pity them, or wish things had been different. But you don't have to give them more chances after the hell of growing up under them.

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Smackems posted...

Tell him to quit drinking and actually change for good, and maybe you'll talk to him

I went through something similar and being cold was the only way I could do it

This seems like the best advice here. You should always be willing to forgive anyone who's willing to change because people really are generally pretty helpless products of their environment

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berlyman101 posted...

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

Dude, get real. That rarely ever happens

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Thats a good idea. I dont need the screenshot to do the wellness check I can just call and tell them probably. That way he can have the opportunity to get support but I dont have to talk to him

Thank you

Yeah, its the best thing to do. Does he actually have a gun though?

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Harpie posted...

Maybe. But Ive said that millions of times it feels like. Hes said millions of times that hell change. But hes too proud to go to AA or therapy, he says he doesnt need it. He claims that hes not an alcoholic because he could stop drinking at any time if he wanted to. He just doesnt want to stop

Thats a good idea. I dont need the screenshot to do the wellness check I can just call and tell them probably. That way he can have the opportunity to get support but I dont have to talk to him

Thank you

My.. Person said the same thing but I gave them the ultimatum. Quit drinking or we will never have anything else

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On his voicemail or to him, read some of the stuff you typed out. Even if it's not for him, communicating some of your true feelings could very well help yourself. Picture yourself in a few years and choose the option that will leave the least regrets.

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NeonOctopus posted...

Dude, get real. That rarely ever happens. Go back to being a hippie or something

What generally happens is when worse. Broke people who are depressed get the cops to come over, they're physically harmed in the process, involuntarily committed to a psych ward that treats them like shit (even more if they're lgb and especially t), they get released, sent the bill for that, and then they're too scared to reach out to anyone because they don't want to be locked up like that ever again... And THEN they succeed with a future suicide attempt.

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Semi-related question, did you ever chew out your dad before you moved away? I don't know if he knows all the stuff you're saying. You don't have to forgive him, and this might be bad advice, but you should tell him that you're through with the excuses and just spill your thoughts. Like an above user said, maybe being cold is the right way.

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pick4six posted...

I heard your story a couple of years, always complaining about others and what they have done and never really admit to what you contribute. You were there too you are not an innocent bystander. You still after many years blame him. You could have been a mechanism to help heal, yet you stood by you claim this and that you a victim (sorry it looks like you crave attention). It would have been a better story about redemption and recovery but still after many years it's the same story except now your father is dying and although somehow it's still all about you.

what the fuck

my dad is an incredibly selfish pos and then wonders why nobody wants anything to do with him. gaslighting on top of everything else

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You don't owe him anything, Harpie. You feel bad and selfish because he IS your dad, but only in the blood-sense and most people are brought up believing family is the most important thing in their lives. From everything you've said, I would hardly call him a father at all. He burned that bridge with you and your siblings a long time ago and if he's not willing to change, then all you can do is pray (if you do) or hope one day he opens his eyes and realizes how much wrong he's done to you guys.

I agree with Bass that it probably would be a good idea to let authorities know so they can do a wellness check. Anything more is entirely on you. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him in any capacity, then don't.

You should tell him something. You said there were good times as well. Maybe if he knows it's make or break, he can work towards being actually better. It's not impossible and it he really wanted to do it he could.

But he may need to know there's still a chance for him as well from y'all

That's not to say that you should just go all in on it from your side as well, though. Being distant and cold until he actually really changes would be the only way to do it imo

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berlyman101 posted...

Have you learned nothing from cops killing people during wellness checks?

Hes a big white dude hes probably fine

Pallosand posted...

Isnt there someplace to report a guy threatening to commit suicide?

Yeah, a local non emergency phone number would work

Pancake posted...

i don't think there's a clean way out of this where you end up happy, and i'm sorry to say that. 20 years aren't going to vanish into thin air.

It feels so fucking gross and awful and manipulative but I dont want to be the reason he dies

it is, and no matter what, you won't be.

that said, you have to look down the road for this one. you are in a volatile situation, and the decisions you make now may follow you down that road for the rest of your life. as justified as i was at the time, i regret the fights i had and resentment i held towards the people that are gone now, and there's nothing i can do about it. all i can say is act in a way you will not later regret.

the high road is always harder to take. forgiveness isn't the easiest thing on the fucking planet, either. but i think your father is fundamentally wounded, and so long as you look at him and see a person you wouldn't ever want to become, i think that leaves room for sympathy, or at least pity.

You have a point, but part of me just doesnt care about him. Im angry. He doesnt care about me, not really. If he did he wouldve stopped drinking the first night he attacked me. But he didnt. Wouldnt a parent who loves me, stop? Wouldnt they try to get better? I feel like if he was really sorry, he would only have to say it once, instead of nearly everyday for 6ish years

I can acknowledge that hes human. His wife cheated on him several times, but he stuck with her until she decided to leave with a druggy. He coped with alcohol. Then when she died, he drank even more. He gave up. But hes hurt me so so much. Why do I have to be the strong one in this situation? Its always me and Im tired of it. I dont want to be peacemaker anymore, it tore me apart for years

gunplagirl posted...

If he decides to kill himself, it wouldn't be your fault. That's just a thought because abusers condition their victims, look up trauma bonding. You have every right to look out for your own well being and safety, even if that means cutting off friends or family.

For what it's worth, this is the first father's day since my dad died and I still haven't cried since he died. I mourned anything I felt for him while he was alive. It's okay to pity them, or wish things had been different. But you don't have to give them more chances after the hell of growing up under them.

I figured. I get where hes coming from if he truly means it, but its so dirty. Especially considering how my mom went. He knows that saying it would most likely get me to respond.. but what if its real? I guess it doesnt matter

Thank you. I feel similarly. I havent really cried over him, just been angry. I feel guilty because its almost like I dont care. Im tired



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I haven't spoken to either of my parents in years now because of their drinking. You did not get any say in who your father is and you have no obligation whatsoever to maintain a relationship with him. If he genuinely makes your life worse then I would say that you have an obligation to yourself to cut him out, especially since from what I've seen you post you have made a lot of progress dealing with some difficult things.

It seems like your parents lashing out at you has conditioned you to feel like the cause of their problems rather than a victim of them. That's dangerous thinking and something you should really try to watch for in yourself and correct when it's happening. You are not responsible for your parents' lives.

Harpie posted...

It makes things complicated now that hes suicidal though.

No it doesn't. It wasn't your fault that he started drinking, it wasn't your fault that he abused you, and it won't be your fault if he kills himself. It'll be his fault. His actions led him to this situation. If he didn't care about any of you guys back then, why would that change now? He's still acting selfishly. I don't see any, "How are my children doing, are you guys going okay? Are you safe?" it's, "Give me attention or I'll kill myself." If he doesn't care about you, you don't have to care about him.

Sansoldier posted...

Even if it's not for him, communicating some of your true feelings could very well help yourself.

I kind of agree with this. Your words won't reach him. You won't be able to change him. But my dad died, and to this day, I still kind of wish I could lay into him for all the things he did. I never once talked back to him. It's too late now, though. Don't let all your frustration continue to be bottled up.

gunplagirl posted...

If he decides to kill himself, it wouldn't be your fault.

Oh. I guess someone beat me to that.

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You have one hell of a luggage, and it will take a lot of time, strength and emotions to leave it all behind, if you ever manage to do so.
Your father might have suicidal thoughts or he is just saying so because that is the only way that he knows that you can hurt you, perhaps it is both.
You are not selfish. Deep down you want him to change and you want to give him another chance, but all this luggage makes it really hard for you to do so, and he wont change at all as long as he keeps drinking. A part of you will feel sad if he kills himself and you will regret it, thinking that things might have changed if you had tried just another time. Another part of you will remember how he was and be happy about it, and these conflicted feelings will make you feel bad about yourself. There is no real win in this situation.
But perhaps this is the cold shower that he needs to change, to stop drinking. Sending him a message saying that this is all caused by him being an alcoholic and that you might consider meeting him in a public place if he stops drinking might tip the scale. Or not. Maybe he will start a long road of changing, perhaps he will lie about it and not change at all, or he might be triggered by it and kill himself. It is one of those hard decisions that you must decide for yourself what to do and you will overthink it and wonder if you did the right thing no matter what you do.
But whatever you do, it is not your fault. He is not your responsibility and you are not selfish.

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Harpie posted...

Even if he might die? How do I try to shift the blame off of me, it feels like everything is all my fault

It's not your fault. It's emotional blackmail and gaslighting to make you think it's your fault but it isn't. He's lying to you straight up. Don't fall for it.

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It's a common manipulation tactic. If you're really worried about him going through with it get him committed. That'll get him the help he needs, or teach him not to make such threats.

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I don't really know what to say. I had an abusive parent, with substance abuse involved, and it was only resolved after more than a decade and that parent making tons of effort to make it right. I know that shit hurts a lot. I can only say that you're not wrong in being conflicted and hurting, and that whatever you do should be with yourself in mind first. You don't deserve this awful shit that has happened and is happening to you, the awfulness of your past is a burden, but it's not one you ever have to go out of your way to shoulder more of. If you don't feel like speaking to him is a positive for you, then don't, and don't look back.

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Tbh the fact that he said this is just another reason you shouldn't talk to him.

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He's trying to guilt trip you
Let the fucker be miserable, it's his own damn fault.

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We don't know each other so well but I've been reading your posts about this over the years and I just feel so terrible for you and your situation. My dad was a drunk and it led to my parents getting divorced. We have patched things up a bit and the situation I had wasn't quite as bad as yours, but I can relate.

Your mental health comes first, if you can't handle talking to him, don't talk to him.

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Very few people are fundamentally beyond forgiveness. With that said, don't sacrifice your own mental health because of his threats. I deal with this sort of thing all the time in medicine, and it's a very common manipulation tactic - shifting the guilt to the victim. Somehow making his mental health your responsibility.

If you think he's a fundamentally good person on the inside but is trapped by the mental illness of addiction, get him help, but don't let him play you. I had a relationship like this in college - it's one of the reasons I'm a lesbian now. The memories are just too much for me to bear. I've forgiven him and tried to get help for him, but he hasn't forgiven himself. Not worth my time anymore.

I will say - my dad had an alcoholism problem. One day, he got so violent that he hit me and my mom. She told him that she would leave him if he ever drank again, and he hasn't had a drop of alcohol since. I've completely forgiven him, and legitimately admire him for it. I've never had alcohol because of his example.


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People who kill themselves know that they are doing it to hurt the ones they leave behind.

Sounds like he's a sperm donor and not a father. Treat him as such.

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lordofmud posted...

People who kill themselves know that they are doing it to hurt the ones they leave behind.

This kind of ignorant shit has no place in a serious discussion, just don't.

Conflict posted...

At the risk of sounding like a pig defender that generally only happens when the person being checked on gets scared and takes out a weapon

At the same time, if he's serious about thinking he has nothing left to live for, if he sees the cops have come he might just attempt suicide by cop.

That said, eh, this part

Harpie posted...

and the next morning he would say how hes sorry and that hell never do it again. And that I was being too harsh on him because he couldnt control it

Makes me think hes being completely disingenuous about everything. Including the suicide threats.


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sorry to hear that, lived through a similar thing with my dad when i was a kid and it was hell. my first response would probably get me modded so i'll just say that its not your problem what he does with his life, you're NOT responsible for him. those bullshit manipulation tactics are common with drug addicts and drunks, and should be ignore for what they are.

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MFBKBass5 posted...

Yeah, its the best thing to do. Does he actually have a gun though?

Yes

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Its okay, this is mostly me just venting into the void. I hate the idea of dumping this all on one person, but I still want to get it off my chest.

In a way, its nice to feel.. validated. Hea told me over and over that this is normal, that Im making a big deal out of it. How its no that bad. Hearing others say that it isnt normal helps me process what I went through, and not blame myself.

Thank you

pick4six posted...

I heard your story a couple of years, always complaining about others and what they have done and never really admit to what you contribute. You were there too you are not an innocent bystander. You still after many years blame him. You could have been a mechanism to help heal, yet you stood by you claim this and that you a victim (sorry it looks like you crave attention). It would have been a better story about redemption and recovery but still after many years it's the same story except now your father is dying and although somehow it's still all about you.

Contrary to what you may assume, I tried to help him heal. Its pretty difficult to do that though, when he doesnt want to.

I dont crave attention. I crave support. I crave someone telling me its going to be okay. I never really had that. I felt so alone and scared. I made those topics because a lot of the people here gave me the support that I never got at home. Id venture to say that without this board, I wouldnt be here today. I definitely wouldnt be out on my own, going to college with my own place. I didnt believe in myself, I was told all the time at home that I was nothing. That I was stupid, pathetic, that Id be better off dead. I believed those things, and it wasnt until the really kind souls here who let me vent that I started to doubt those words. That I might actually be worth something, and that its possible to have a better life

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Kisai posted...

No it doesn't. It wasn't your fault that he started drinking, it wasn't your fault that he abused you, and it won't be your fault if he kills himself. It'll be his fault. His actions led him to this situation. If he didn't care about any of you guys back then, why would that change now? He's still acting selfishly. I don't see any, "How are my children doing, are you guys going okay? Are you safe?" it's, "Give me attention or I'll kill myself." If he doesn't care about you, you don't have to care about him.

I kind of agree with this. Your words won't reach him. You won't be able to change him. But my dad died, and to this day, I still kind of wish I could lay into him for all the things he did. I never once talked back to him. It's too late now, though. Don't let all your frustration continue to be bottled up.

Oh. I guess someone beat me to that.

It's not laying into him verbally that I want, I just want to deck my old man one time. Not even to make me feel better, but to make him feel worse. But he literally

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Cant hurt you over a phone call, just dont cave if you do talk to him. Set ground rules and shit. Make conssesions, if he starts seeing a therapist maybe you and your sibblings would be willing to talk again. You know shit like that. Regardless if you do or dont whatever happens isnt you or your sisters fault responsiblitly rests entirely on him. Threating suicide is a manipulation tactic but not always just that.

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What pick4six said is fucking terrible, you should be resisting the urge to put blame on yourself due to his manipulative actions, not looking for how maybe it's your fault he's like this. Fuck that guy.