Poll of the Day > Is it "controlling" if you want them to stop talking to their exes?

(+) Yeah! (+)

(Oh look, another topic to annoy Zeus! lol)

Whether it's you asking it of them, or them asking it of you. Would you consider this "controlling" behavior in a relationship and/or marriage?

If you are just dating, I can totally see how it might be seen as crossing some lines. But if you have already established with one another that you are in a committed relationship, is it out of line to request they stop talking to (ESPECIALLY TEXTING) their exes?

Just curious what some of you think.

And yes yes, inb4 the passive aggressive high horse chaps saying " hurr durr hurrr if it's a strong relationship then you shouldn't be worried! Hurr durr." Although some of you might say exactly that now just to spite me. LOL Ohhhh gamefaqs!!! You soooo craaayyy.

It has nothing to do with "being worried". Has everything to do with exes not respecting the boundaries of your current relationship/marriage.
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Yes, it's "controlling".

But it's also usually justified. And if they refuse it says more negative about them than it does about you.


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ParanoidObsessive posted...

Yes, it's "controlling".

But it's also usually justified. And if they refuse it says more negative about them than it does about you.

Very good points. I agree.
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Do they have children with this ex? That makes a big difference.
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maybe a little but a big part of relationships is working with what your partner is comfortable with and its pretty reasonable to expect them not to talk to their ex

it essentially boils down to who is more important between u and the ex

KaptainKiro posted...

it essentially boils down to who is more important between u and the ex

Well that's what weird about the situation. If you are currently in a relationship with them......under what circumstances would their "ex" be more important than you? That's extremely messed up.

Now, it can definitely get complicated if you are with someone who had CHILDREN with an ex......so they (begrudgingly) would need to communicate with their ex quite often.

But also, at the same time, if their communication with their ex is so often that it's becoming problematic for your relationship, I don't think it would be controlling to ask them to ease up.

I mean, let's be realistic here, even if you have children with an ex, there's really no major reason you should need to text them daily, or multiple times throughout the day.

Yeah yeah, Alice had a great time at ballet practice. I'm glad she's happy. Why are you asking me about my day? Why are you sending me old pictures of us when we were a happy couple? Why are you trying to emotionally hijack me? I see what you are doing. Stop it. Piss off. Text me when you are bringing Alice home. Bye.

You know?
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If your girl is talking to ex boyfriends then that means she's sleeping around. Even if she's not it shows poor judgment and a lack of character and respect. Dump her ho ass
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My gfs ex was a scumbag doing stuff like beating her and had apparently given her an std from sleeping around , but he feels guilty and pays her phone bill and Netflix accounts. Kind of weird but it's 45 dollars I don't have to spend.
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Only if kids are involved it's fine. Other than that you shouldn't have to ask that

It's not controlling to ask, just jealous.

It would be controlling to INSIST
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nope

Lokarin posted...

It's not controlling to ask, just jealous.

It would be controlling to INSIST

That.
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Yeah, it is. It demonstrates not only controlling behavior, but also insecurity.

I'm still friends with, and therefore still communicate with, my exes. Anyone who is going to be with me needs to get used to it. Luckily for me, I've not run into anyone that's had a problem with it, including my spouse.

My most recent ex and I are actually very good friends. We text daily. We split up because we both realized that's all we really were, just friends. That deeper emotional connection just never materialized. This person is going to be a life long friend and nonody gets to tell me I can't talk to them. If my ex were to do something that crosses a line I would be quick to put her in her place over it, if course. But she's not the sort that would try that. She'll be happy for me when I do meet the right woman.

Its really only acceptable to insist they stop being friends with an ex that has shown they don't respect the boundaries of the relationship.
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afrodude77 posted...

My gfs ex was a scumbag doing stuff like beating her and had apparently given her an std from sleeping around , but he feels guilty and pays her phone bill and Netflix accounts. Kind of weird but it's 45 dollars I don't have to spend.

Dude.... they're totally banging

Why are they talking to their exes?
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SunWuKung420 posted...

Why are they talking to their exes?

For any number of reasons. Because they, like some people on this thread, still have a "friendly" relationship with their exes for whatever reason. Still close. Still care about each other. Talk a lot. Don't see anything wrong with it. Refuse to let anyone else tell them who they can and can't talk to.

Every situation is different, but I don't think it would be inaccurate to say that, in MOST cases.....being friendly with your exes is never a good idea for your current relationship.
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As you just said, there's no simple answer and it varies case by case, but for most adult relationships, it's not usually healthy. It's perfectly normal to not want your SO routinely talking to their ex

Here's a specific situation that affected me personally, so let me know what you all think about it:

This was a good while ago, but I was in a three year relationship with this lady. She was sweet. However, she was also the type who remained friendly with exes. I trusted her. But what I didn't trust....was her exes. It was painfully obvious at times that they wanted to get back with her. Texting her all the time. Saying how they missed her and shit.

Now, as a man, let me say that there's probably not a single one of you on this board that can't identify, on some level, with the annoyance and frustration of being a man who knows other men want his woman. It's annoying as hell and also quite angering. It's this primal anger and defensiveness that is extremely normal, natural, and even healthy to some degree.

Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. My. Girl.

She is taken. So stop trying. The more you try, the more insulted I get, because you are literally not acknowledging the fact that I am with her. Yanno? It's truly fist-fight worthy sometimes. Fuckin' assholes that just don't respect the boundaries of relationships. There's truly a special place in hell for guys who hit on women they KNOW are taken.

So anyway. One of her exes was this bastard in the Navy. She broke up with him right before he joined, because she just knew it wasn't going to work out. A bit heartless, sure. But she also wasn't going to lead him on and pull on his heartstrings while he's in the Navy doing God knows what behind her back. So even though nothing had actually gone bad between them, she decided to end it simply because of the circumstances of him not being able to be there for her.

So 2 years later....he starts texting her a lot. Like, every day. We couldn't even sit on the couch and watch a movie without her phone vibrating every 20 minutes. He was pouring his heart out to her. Telling her how much he missed her. How he still loved her. All this shit. She even let me see the texts.

Here's the kicker: he was extremely depressed and suicidal because he was on a 9 month deployment out at sea. Hadn't seen his friends or family in 9 months. Barely had internet connection. Lost power quite often. Just all lonely and no land in sight. It started to mess with his mind. So, he did the natural thing and started reaching out on social media (when they actually had decent internet and power on the ship) to his ex. His love that got away.

I told her I didn't really care how lonely and horny and depressed he was. I didn't like him talking to her like that. If he was lonely, he should call his mom. Or flirt with girls who are single. Or anything really. Anything else. And she tried to tell him this. But he wouldn't stop.

And my girlfriend put up a little resistance too because she thought he would actually commit suicide if she couldn't be there for him and help calm him down.

But all I saw was an excuse to keep talking to this guy who still loved my girl.

Long story short, I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I told her she needs to stop talking to him because SHE is leading him on now. Giving him a false sense of hope. And that I think she actually enjoyed the attention he was giving her.

So I told her she needs to stop talking to him.

And she, and I quote: "I'll try."

Wasn't good enough. I ended up having to dump her because she wouldn't put OUR relationship first.

It was getting out of hand. Texts where he said he loved her. And she'd say she doesn't love him but still cares about him as a person. And he'd interpret that as love since she still kept texting him back. It was all about attention. We seriously couldn't do anything together without her checking her fucking phone every 5 minutes. Because it was him, pathetically needing reassuring that someone cared so he wouldn't jump off the aircraft carrier.

So I dumped her. Super sad. Whatever.
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GreenKnight127 posted...

We seriously couldn't do anything together without her checking her fucking phone every 5 minutes.

what more can you really expect of a girl
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Like some have said, I don't think it's controlling to ask, but it is if you tell them to stop...

Personally, I'm still friends with certain exes, but I would never cheat. Even if we were in the same area at the same time. We broke up for a reason. But I don't see being friends with them a problem. Some people think they're in love, but it's more of a best friends thing sometimes...

GreenKnight127 posted...

I mean, let's be realistic here, even if you have children with an ex, there's really no major reason you should need to text them daily, or multiple times throughout the day.

I think daily would be fine if you have kids. Multiple times a day is only for certain things, though...

Also, as for the story there, I can understand both sides. Though, I don't think I would have dumped them in that situation. But I also know how it is being lonely, deployed, or both...
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Demand your OH do anything is indeed controlling. Asking? Not so much.
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Unless there is a child involved there's literally no reason for anyone to talk to one of their exes. You shouldn't even have to ask.
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DocDelicious posted...

Unless there is a child involved there's literally no reason for anyone to talk to one of their exes. You shouldn't even have to ask.

Yeah you can't possibly be friends with a ex!
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wwinterj25 posted...

DocDelicious posted...

Unless there is a child involved there's literally no reason for anyone to talk to one of their exes. You shouldn't even have to ask.

Yeah you can't possibly be friends with a ex!

^This^

Just because you don't have a reason or want to talk to your ex doesn't mean others don't...
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afrodude77 posted...

My gfs ex was a scumbag doing stuff like beating her and had apparently given her an std from sleeping around , but he feels guilty and pays her phone bill and Netflix accounts. Kind of weird but it's 45 dollars I don't have to spend.

Dude if he is paying her phone bill he could probably be tracking her phone
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I dont even talk to my best friends every day so if its daily then that's definitely something I wouldnt put up with

OhhhJa posted...

I dont even talk to my best friends every day so if its daily then that's definitely something I wouldnt put up with

It's different for everyone, though. I talk to my best friends everyday. Sometimes, most of the day is spent talking to them. I probably talk to them more than my SO, somedays, tbh...
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Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'd assume if your in a relationship with someone you would trust them(if not why are you with them?) thus it really doesn't matter who they talk to and at the end of the day they are still coming back to you.
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LinkPizza posted...

OhhhJa posted...

I dont even talk to my best friends every day so if its daily then that's definitely something I wouldnt put up with

It's different for everyone, though. I talk to my best friends everyday. Sometimes, most of the day is spent talking to them. I probably talk to them more than my SO, somedays, tbh...

I would say most days I talk to my best friends. It really depends on how busy everyone is and all that. But my point is that it's a little alarming if your SO's closest friend is their ex and they're in contact with them more than any other friends. I think also it's just basic courtesy to keep at least some distance between you and your ex when you have a new SO. Not saying you have to completely cut them from your life but you shouldn't be texting daily. Sometimes you have to either cut people from your life or keep some distance for various reasons and that's one of them. Just my opinion and obviously not everyone feels that way. I just dont date people who dont feel the same

LinkPizza posted...

wwinterj25 posted...

DocDelicious posted...

Unless there is a child involved there's literally no reason for anyone to talk to one of their exes. You shouldn't even have to ask.

Yeah you can't possibly be friends with a ex!

^This^

Just because you don't have a reason or want to talk to your ex doesn't mean others don't...

I don't believe you can be friends with an ex, no. I also don't believe (except in extremely extremely rare cases) that men and women are capable of having completely platonic relationships. It's just not in our DNA. Your instincts are telling you to fuck them whether you're consciously aware of it or not.

If someone is still in contact with an ex it's because that's their "plan B".
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OhhhJa posted...

LinkPizza posted...

OhhhJa posted...

I dont even talk to my best friends every day so if its daily then that's definitely something I wouldnt put up with

It's different for everyone, though. I talk to my best friends everyday. Sometimes, most of the day is spent talking to them. I probably talk to them more than my SO, somedays, tbh...

I would say most days I talk to my best friends. It really depends on how busy everyone is and all that. But my point is that it's a little alarming if your SO's closest friend is their ex and they're in contact with them more than any other friends. I think also it's just basic courtesy to keep at least some distance between you and your ex when you have a new SO. Not saying you have to completely cut them from your life but you shouldn't be texting daily. Sometimes you have to either cut people from your life or keep some distance for various reasons and that's one of them. Just my opinion and obviously not everyone feels that way. I just dont date people who dont feel the same

I understand that, though it could also depend on their relationship before. I knew a couple that were best friends for years. After a while, they decided to try out a relationship. It did not work out well, so they broke up. They just weren't compatible dating. So, they went back to being best friends. So, there could be a case like that.

There also could be a person who doesn't really have friends. And after being in a relationship with a certain person, realized that the ex was like their only real friend. But it really all depends. Everyone's situation is different...
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DocDelicious posted...

I don't believe you can be friends with an ex, no. I also don't believe (except in extremely extremely rare cases) that men and women are capable of having completely platonic relationships. It's just not in our DNA. Your instincts are telling you to fuck them whether you're consciously aware of it or not.

If someone is still in contact with an ex it's because that's their "plan B".

Oh. Well, that's just wrong. Men and woman can easily have platonic relationships. Just because you can't seem to keep it in your pants doesn't mean the rest of the world shares you problem... And sometimes, people are friends with other people who aren't even their type.

For the plan B thing, I don't think that's always the case. Especially if they're dating someone else. But it's possible. But I also wouldn't really care. If we broke up, they can do whatever they want.
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Does wanting to fuck someone mean your relationship can't be completely platonic as friends? I personally wouldn't think so.
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I don't understand why someone would still talk with their exes... What's the point?
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Zacek posted...

I don't understand why someone would still talk with their exes... What's the point?

Like someone else here mentioned: It's a plan B.

Not always, but the psychology checks out.

Some people want to keep in touch with their exes for a variety of reasons. Very few of them are actually good reasons.

Having been a very observant human for most of my life, allow me to list a few disgusting reasons I've noticed why people stay in touch with exes:

1.) They are NOT over them.
2.) They are over them, but also want to keep tabs on them to make sure they aren't as happy with their new person as they were with you. Or gauge the attractiveness of their next lover and how they stack up to you. Purely narcissistic reasons. (I've noticed that if a guy goes out with a girl who is significantly less attractive than his ex....this confuses the ever-living shit out of her....and she paradoxically want to get back with him.)
3.) Flirting and being silly apparently "doesn't count" with an ex. "We're just friends! It means nothing! We ended on good terms. We have a lot of history and we can't just shut each other out completely!"
4.) Plan B. Keep your ex on the backburner in case your current relationship doesn't work out. Sex with an ex is easy, convenient, and sometimes you are subconsciously angry at them for the relationship not working out, so now you can have angry hate sex....which is some of the best sex.
5.) Sometimes you just want to keep them in your life to remind them what they are missing out on.

Very rarely is it because you actually care about them as a person. It's almost always for selfish reasons.
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GreenKnight127 posted...

Like someone else here mentioned: It's a plan B.

Not always, but the psychology checks out.

Some people want to keep in touch with their exes for a variety of reasons. Very few of them are actually good reasons.

Having been a very observant human for most of my life, allow me to list a few disgusting reasons I've noticed why people stay in touch with exes:

1.) They are NOT over them.
2.) They are over them, but also want to keep tabs on them to make sure they aren't as happy with their new person as they were with you. Or gauge the attractiveness of their next lover and how they stack up to you. Purely narcissistic reasons. (I've noticed that if a guy goes out with a girl who is significantly less attractive than his ex....this confuses the ever-living shit out of her....and she paradoxically want to get back with him.)
3.) Flirting and being silly apparently "doesn't count" with an ex. "We're just friends! It means nothing! We ended on good terms. We have a lot of history and we can't just shut each other out completely!"
4.) Plan B. Keep your ex on the backburner in case your current relationship doesn't work out. Sex with an ex is easy, convenient, and sometimes you are subconsciously angry at them for the relationship not working out, so now you can have angry hate sex....which is some of the best sex.
5.) Sometimes you just want to keep them in your life to remind them what they are missing out on.

Very rarely is it because you actually care about them as a person. It's almost always for selfish reasons.

6.) They have children together. That's actually a really big one you left out.
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Golden Road posted...

GreenKnight127 posted...

Like someone else here mentioned: It's a plan B.

Not always, but the psychology checks out.

Some people want to keep in touch with their exes for a variety of reasons. Very few of them are actually good reasons.

Having been a very observant human for most of my life, allow me to list a few disgusting reasons I've noticed why people stay in touch with exes:

1.) They are NOT over them.
2.) They are over them, but also want to keep tabs on them to make sure they aren't as happy with their new person as they were with you. Or gauge the attractiveness of their next lover and how they stack up to you. Purely narcissistic reasons. (I've noticed that if a guy goes out with a girl who is significantly less attractive than his ex....this confuses the ever-living shit out of her....and she paradoxically want to get back with him.)
3.) Flirting and being silly apparently "doesn't count" with an ex. "We're just friends! It means nothing! We ended on good terms. We have a lot of history and we can't just shut each other out completely!"
4.) Plan B. Keep your ex on the backburner in case your current relationship doesn't work out. Sex with an ex is easy, convenient, and sometimes you are subconsciously angry at them for the relationship not working out, so now you can have angry hate sex....which is some of the best sex.
5.) Sometimes you just want to keep them in your life to remind them what they are missing out on.

Very rarely is it because you actually care about them as a person. It's almost always for selfish reasons.

6.) They have children together. That's actually a really big one you left out.

I think he only wanted to list the bad reasons...
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ParanoidObsessive posted...

Yes, it's "controlling".

But it's also usually justified. And if they refuse it says more negative about them than it does about you.

</topic>
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Golden Road posted...

GreenKnight127 posted...

Like someone else here mentioned: It's a plan B.

Not always, but the psychology checks out.

Some people want to keep in touch with their exes for a variety of reasons. Very few of them are actually good reasons.

Having been a very observant human for most of my life, allow me to list a few disgusting reasons I've noticed why people stay in touch with exes:

1.) They are NOT over them.
2.) They are over them, but also want to keep tabs on them to make sure they aren't as happy with their new person as they were with you. Or gauge the attractiveness of their next lover and how they stack up to you. Purely narcissistic reasons. (I've noticed that if a guy goes out with a girl who is significantly less attractive than his ex....this confuses the ever-living shit out of her....and she paradoxically want to get back with him.)
3.) Flirting and being silly apparently "doesn't count" with an ex. "We're just friends! It means nothing! We ended on good terms. We have a lot of history and we can't just shut each other out completely!"
4.) Plan B. Keep your ex on the backburner in case your current relationship doesn't work out. Sex with an ex is easy, convenient, and sometimes you are subconsciously angry at them for the relationship not working out, so now you can have angry hate sex....which is some of the best sex.
5.) Sometimes you just want to keep them in your life to remind them what they are missing out on.

Very rarely is it because you actually care about them as a person. It's almost always for selfish reasons.

6.) They have children together. That's actually a really big one you left out.

..he specifically said disgusting reasons but alright.
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Nade Duck posted...

..he specifically said disgusting reasons but alright.

Kids are disgusting. They are basically walking, drooling, sniveling germ factories.
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"Is it controlling to control someone?"
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The "this is how it is with me, so this is how it must be with everyone" crowd is really kind of trippy sometimes. This thread is certainly demonstrating that, anyway.

Nade Duck posted...

Golden Road posted...

6.) They have children together. That's actually a really big one you left out.

..he specifically said disgusting reasons but alright.

They also specifically said that it's extremely rare to have a good reason, and the example good reason they gave was actually caring about the ex, and not the extremely common "we have children."
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Golden Road posted...

Do they have children with this ex? That makes a big difference.

Excluding this there is never an excuse for them to be talking to their ex. It's totally reasonable to be suspicious.

If a woman is still talking to former men in her life, then you're just a beta male who she is using for money and she will soon ditch you.
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