Poll of the Day > Is it inappropriate to contact your ex just cause they might have died? Opinions

(+) Yeah! (+)

So if anyone knows jack about me, I have an ex of whom the memory of is liable to plague my thoughts. I don't actually remember when we separated, sometime from '12-'14, but basically it's been years. And lately, it hasn't even been plaguing me! You know, I'd considered my sleeping issues to be mostly manageable, I can actually wake up and smile, eat semi-regularly, whatever. Gotten over her.

But late August-ish (was it? fuck my memory), Hurricane Harvey came through over Texas. Just a little hurricane, no big deal, right? I guess not, unless your ex lives there.

So, as I have no social presence anymore, she messaged my mom on Facebook to ask if we were okay. We only realized this halfway through September. And I found the fact that she thinks she should be privy to such information rather inappropriate on her part.

I don't feel like you guys are going to see this the way I see it, but when we broke up, she made it clear we couldn't talk anymore. Basically cause she wouldn't have been able to move on. And she's moved on. So?

So how am I supposed to feel about her curiosity to know whether I am dead or alive, years later, when I've basically been dead to her the whole time? I hadn't let it get to me until I guess today. So I wrote her a message elsewhere.

I'm just curious, as to why it would take a natural disaster for you to check on the wellbeing of persons you don't associate with anymore.

I just want to know why you would still care, one way or the other - when you don't stay in touch anymore. It was a little frustrating, cause, you know, I've been alive this whole time, and as far as I know, that has not been relevant to you.

But a hurricane comes through and suddenly it matters whether we died or not.

Why? Sorry, I don't know how else to look at it. I just found it unsettling.

I'm not sure I should even be asking this. Cause you've moved on, there's no place in your life I even fit into anymore, and it's not like you still want to talk to me. So wtf.

I feel like it would bother you, too.

You guys have to understand that when you excommunicate someone, I don't see any scenario where it is appropriate that you message them years later, when you know you can't/don't/won't want to talk to them, because you wouldn't be able to properly deal with the feelings that would come back up.

It's really not a big deal... I just find it very indecent... it's like hey, that was a pretty bad storm, wonder if myles died

and I'm just supposed to be like oh, thanks for checking! Hope you're doing well after not giving a shit all these years? Or what? Geez.

So, no, my username is only a wannabe's preference
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RIP_Supa posted...

when we broke up, she made it clear we couldn't talk anymore. Basically cause she wouldn't have been able to move on.

RIP_Supa posted...

how am I supposed to feel about her curiosity to know whether I am dead or alive, years later, when I've basically been dead to her the whole time?

Fuck off with that shit, she tried to distance herself from you because it hurt her and she still had feelings, she made contact because she was worried about someone of some kind of significance to her.
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it is weird. i've done something similar but never contacted the person. just checked recent obituaries to their local area. also wasn't a natural disaster or anything like that, just had heard through mutual friends they hadn't been heard from in awhile and suicide wouldn't have surprised me.
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Kyuubi4269 posted...

RIP_Supa posted...

when we broke up, she made it clear we couldn't talk anymore. Basically cause she wouldn't have been able to move on.

RIP_Supa posted...

how am I supposed to feel about her curiosity to know whether I am dead or alive, years later, when I've basically been dead to her the whole time?

Fuck off with that shit, she tried to distance herself from you because it hurt her and she still had feelings, she made contact because she was worried about someone of some kind of significance to her.

No, you kind of hit it right on the head. I actually was going to take out the "being dead to her" part cause it was just an angsty comment. I know better than that.

But does that still make it okay? I don't feel like she should be concerned. If I died, I died. She wants nothing to do with me either way.

someone of some kind of significance to her.

I feel that she fucked up having any kind of significance a long time ago. It's not like she had to remain friends or anything and that's completely her right. But in what world do I have any kind of significance to her anymore? I don't.
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Just send her a "hey, still alive" message

Your shit just says you're still not over it
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> Gotten over her.

Based on your reaction to her message it's painfully obvious that this is not true.

When it comes to life and death situations, people usually go over and beyond negative feelings that have once surrounded their relationships.

My advice is to not take too seriously. She expressed her concern because she knew you and loved you; once. It's her humanity that causes her to reach out to you. That's all. Try to appreciate it for what it is and try not to delve too much into what had happened in the past or those feelings that lingered.
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You sound like a bitch
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Duck-I-Says posted...

> Gotten over her.

Based on your reaction to her message it's painfully obvious that this is not true.

its possible to "get over" someone but then something happens and undoes that. basically they are out of your mind and you stop thinking about them but then something comes along and makes it very hard to not think about them.
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Duck-I-Says posted...

> Gotten over her.

Based on your reaction to her message it's painfully obvious that this is not true.

No, if you're going to read it like that, hell no I'm not "over" her. I miss that stupid bitch. She was my best friend.

I was just at a point where none of that shit affected me on the daily.
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I just skimmed the topic, but based on the context given, she was likely just concerned and you're overthinking it.
I can understand emotions going through your mind right now, but I suggest you try to take the gesture for what it likely was. Not dredge up old vitriol, for a quick pot shot before she disappears, again.
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Melon_Master posted...

I just skimmed the topic, but based on the context given, she was likely just concerned and you're overthinking it.
I can understand emotions going through your mind right now, but I suggest you try to take the gesture for what it likely was.

Bahh. This is what hangs me up about it. I appreciate it being a "gesture" as much as it's good to know that someone would care whether you're alive or not.

But once you have that info, what are you going to do with it? I guess I do take people "just being human" for granted, cause from my hardass robotic perspective, there's nothing that information is going to do for you

Not dredge up old vitriol, for a quick pot shot before she disappears, again.

This wasn't even my intention but now I am feeling like this is exactly what I did, if only for the fact that she has a boyfriend. If she didn't, I wouldn't feel as bad about asking her why she still cares.

She doesn't "disappear" though, I had to message her on deviantart.
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Well, I messaged my ex earlier this year only to get a reply from her mother saying my ex killed herself a while ago making me look like a complete tool for not knowing it and making the poor woman relive the trauma of the devastating loss
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Smarkil posted...

You sound like a bitch

Say it to my face, pussy boiiiiiii

Honestly though, I thought I had a successful bullshit-free topic for once, I didn't even see this post.
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All depends, some peoples exs are still friends while others would call to find out just to rub it in
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I tried to get in contact with my ex, who moved to Vegas, after the shooting because shes completely stopped responding to anyone on social media but she hasnt responded even to me. To my knowledge she wasnt one of the victims but that doesnt mean she couldnt have unfortunately died some other way and time...
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RIP_Supa posted...

So, as I have no social presence anymore, she messaged my mom on Facebook to ask if we were okay. We only realized this halfway through September. And I found the fact that she thinks she should be privy to such information rather inappropriate on her part.

I find no issue with the concern. She'd have to be a little sociopathic not to think of you when a disaster strikes you area. However, don't read into it that she wants to renew your acquaintance, since you'd most likely be disappointed.
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RIP_Supa posted...

So, as I have no social presence anymore, she messaged my mom on Facebook to ask if we were okay. We only realized this halfway through September. And I found the fact that she thinks she should be privy to such information rather inappropriate on her part.

I don't feel like you guys are going to see this the way I see it, but when we broke up, she made it clear we couldn't talk anymore.

So it's your mom's fault? She didn't message you directly right? This was just a simple question directed at your mom who then felt you needed to be told. Sometimes you need to tell people to not tell you if that person contacts them with a question like that.

Asking if you all were fine is fine since she asked your mom. She doesn't sound like she was asking only about you but about you and your family. You made it sound like you two were good friends so of course she'll get concerned.
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RIP_Supa posted...

Smarkil posted...

You sound like a bitch

Say it to my face, pussy boiiiiiii

Honestly though, I thought I had a successful bullshit-free topic for once, I didn't even see this post.

It's not bullshit if it's the truth
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