Current Events > We post jokes, riddles ITT

(+) Yeah! (+)

Here's a simple one:

What's the difference between a well-dressed unicycle and a poorly dressed bicycle?
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The Aristocrats!
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What is blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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If I wanted a joke, I would follow you into the bathroom and watch you take a piss. (hey I'm pretty good at this!)
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Medz1206 posted...

What is blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

XD

Attire is the answer to mine.
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x_SaintBoot_x posted...

If I wanted a joke, I would follow you into the bathroom and watch you take a piss. (hey I'm pretty good at this!)

I dun git it.
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CensorErik posted...

x_SaintBoot_x posted...

If I wanted a joke, I would follow you into the bathroom and watch you take a piss. (hey I'm pretty good at this!)

I dun git it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFejkhMMJxo
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I'm very sad I didn't get that. I love his movies. ;_;
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One day, Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

Later that morning, Johnny's dad started shaving. He put on the shaving cream and accidentally cut his face with his razor. "Shit!" He said. Johnny asked him what that meant and he said it meant "shaving cream".

Johnny went downstairs and headed into the kitchen. It was Thanksgiving day, so his mom was preparing the turkey. Johnny's mom cut her finger and yelled, "Oh fuck!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it meant "stuffing".

A few minutes later, the guests arrived for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomed them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Please hang up your penises and vaginas. My dad is upstairs putting on shit cream and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
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CensorErik posted...

I'm very sad I didn't get that. I love his movies. ;_;

It's ok, I did not quote it correctly.
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
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Where is the scientist who dedicated his career to researching the anatomy of dogs?

In his Lab
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Gen_Lee_Enfield posted...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Love it!
WilliamPorygon posted...

Where is the scientist who dedicated his career to researching the anatomy of dogs?

In his Lab

XD

Gross.
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What kind of shoes do you wear when you're dissecting a frog?

Open toad.
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Gen_Lee_Enfield posted...

What kind of shoes do you wear when you're dissecting a frog?

Open toad.

I guessed this one. I like it.
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What's the difference between toilet paper and my nextdoor neighbor?
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WilliamPorygon posted...

Where is the scientist who dedicated his career to researching the anatomy of dogs?

In his Lab

XD
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Last bumb to add some light-hearted humor to CE's Friday night.
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What's worse than a giant monster destroying the city?

Two giant monsters destroying the city!
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This one isn't really light-hearted.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
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ZCheveyo posted...

This one isn't really light-hearted.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Lmao. I like this one.
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Cheer up with a few jokes here, CE. Post your faves!
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Two guys are hunting deer's in forest. Guy falls down, and his friend panics, and calls for help. "my friend is dead, he just fell and doesn't respond to anything!", "sir, calm down, i will help you. Now, check that your friend is really dead and not just unconscious"

*gun shot*

"and then?!!"
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Sami1000 posted...

Two guys are hunting deer's in forest. Guy falls down, and his friend panics, and calls for help. "my friend is dead, he just fell and doesn't respond to anything!", "sir, calm down, i will help you. Now, check that your friend is really dead and not just unconscious"

*gun shot*

"and then?!!"

Not bad.
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What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

We're closed, beat it.
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what's brown and rhymes with snoop?


Dr. Dre
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CensorErik posted...

What's the difference between toilet paper and my nextdoor neighbor?

One is paper that swipes my ass, the other is an ass that swipes my paper.
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
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A man with a fatal disease goes to his doctor for a final prognosis. "Give it to me straight, doc," the man says. "How much time do I have?"

"Five," says the doctor.

"Five what??" Asks the man. "Days? Months? Years?"

"Four...three...two..."
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China has the largest population of any country on Earth.

This isn't due to the men being super horny or the women being fertile, it's because all of their condoms are made in China.
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A man walks into a bar.

..........ouch............
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More for Sunday's CE!
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How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
None. It's full of elephants.

How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
There's giggling. and two sets of footprints in the butter

How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
You can't close the door.

How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
There's an empty Mini parked outside.
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Sami1000 posted...

Two guys are hunting deer's in forest. Guy falls down, and his friend panics, and calls for help. "my friend is dead, he just fell and doesn't respond to anything!", "sir, calm down, i will help you. Now, check that your friend is really dead and not just unconscious"

*gun shot*

"and then?!!"

There are 2 jokes here. The first one is the entire actual joke (which is pretty decent). The second one is "deer's"
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If Caitlyn Jenner was going to save the world, would we call her an Ex-men or a Trans-former?
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pegusus123456 posted...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

Made me laugh, love it.
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I had a good trigonometry joke, however it is too graphic to tell here.
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A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just lies down and starts licking his crotch. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner tells him, "Go ahead, but pet him first."
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"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?"

person answers "I don't know know"

"So it was you!!!"
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Was going to let this topic die, but it's pretty good so far.
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DifferentialEquation posted...

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?"

person answers "I don't know know"

"So it was you!!!"

idgi <_<
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teepan95 posted...

DifferentialEquation posted...

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?"

person answers "I don't know know"

"So it was you!!!"

idgi <_<

The person you ask says they don't know which means they wiped their butt on the shower curtain because they didn't know the difference.
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CensorErik posted...

teepan95 posted...

DifferentialEquation posted...

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?"

person answers "I don't know know"

"So it was you!!!"

idgi <_<

The person you ask says they don't know which means they wiped their butt on the shower curtain because they didn't know the difference.

WilliamPorygon posted...

teepan95 posted...

DifferentialEquation posted...

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?"

person answers "I don't know know"

"So it was you!!!"

idgi <_<

person was wiping his ass with the shower curtains

...how was I supposed to infer that? <_<
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
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"Mal_Fet"
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WilliamPorygon posted...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

I'm embarrassed I didn't see where this joke was going. Good one.
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I wonder if the hillbilly divorce joke is ToS friendly...
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Tag for more jokes
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Warning. Might be considered racist.

A Chinese couple had a black baby. They named him Something Wong.
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