Board 8 > In terms of romantic relationships, which of these two options do you prefer?

(+) Yeah! (+)

BowserCuffs posted...

What an awful way to look at relationships.

I'm going by what you said. I can't change my mind over time or else the entire thing was null and void? I HAVE to be entirely committed for life? That is being hostage to the relationship.

People change a LOT over time. That's natural. The supposed value of a dedicated relationship is you have an anchor that keeps you on the right path even as you change. But I see it as a shackle that keeps you from going the way you need to go.
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Llarian posted...

I suggest you try a long term relationship if, and only if, you can picture yourself making decisions that don't solely benefit yourself. If you can't, then fling away.

I make decisions that don't benefit myself all the time, it's really easy, because I want to do it.

I don't make decisions that benefit no one, for the sake of a third party. That is exploitation. Sacrifice and unhappiness is not inherently valuable and transcendent, it has to be for a purpose, otherwise it's literally a waste. And apparently The Relationship is a good purpose, for some people. But definitely not for all people, and definitely not in general either.

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

We've had fights. But you walk away, cool off, and then come back and talk about it.

That happens in all relationships. Because when something bad happens, you re-evaluate the relationship and decide if you really still like the other person, if it's still worth it to stay together.

In a more casual relationship, the answer is either yes or no (usually yes... until it's not) and that's it. But in a committed relationship, the answer can be no, no, no, absolutely not, god I hate everything about this please let me escape, but you still have to stay together for finances, career, children, convenience, whatever. You have no choice.

How is not having a choice to leave more pure and honest than having a choice to leave and staying?
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MZero11 posted...

I mean, there's things that conflict with your internal motivation all the time. You like having money and a house so you go to work, even if you'd rather sit around and play video games.

I don't work at jobs that I don't like. I leave jobs all the time to find better ones. I don't want to just sit around and play video games, I want to make stuff (and argue on gamefaqs), and so I do. I very much reject the old fashioned notion of working at a place for 45 years and then retiring, just the same as marriage.

I mean are you really defending marriage by comparing it to a job that you hate?
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pjbasis posted...

Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.

That's... incredibly sad. You've never seen a healthy relationship then?
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

It's so disgustingly easy, I don't understand how people get divorced.

I mean you could just stop feeling attracted to the other person. If a marriage really becomes just a friendship, I can see one or both sides deciding to end it.
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Flings were awesome for a while. I think it's good to get that out of your system, though not everyone is wired for commitment. The hormones associated with the limerant phase of a relationship are intoxicating.
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

pjbasis posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?

How is this a question? Being honest isn't the only important thing in a relationship. It's just the first step. Two honest people aren't going to always like each other. Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.

I'm guessing your parents are unhappily still together?

My parents got divorced because they never talked to each other.

My wife talk to each other constantly, and yeah, we're honest, even about uncomfortable things like "you're getting chunky", "your balls smell today", and "do more around the house".

We've had fights. But you walk away, cool off, and then come back and talk about it.

It's so disgustingly easy, I don't understand how people get divorced.

I feel like the last line indicates you don't know what you are talking about, or, you want to communicate something else entirely.
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BowserCuffs posted...

CeraSeptem posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

foolm0r0n posted...

You honestly don't like it anymore

Then that means you've been faking it.

That definitely does not follow.

Sure it does. if you stop enjoying a relationship, it means you've been faking it, and got tired of doing so. Or the other person has been faking it and stopped doing so and you didn't like them anymore.

Unless you're claiming there's no reason to honestly change over time in any facet, you are simply factually and logically incorrect.

And if that is your claim, you're still incorrect factually.
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So far we have the following defenses of marriage:
It's like a job you hate
It's like a hostage situation
It's like doing chores

Really can't wait to walk down that aisle!
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foolm0r0n posted...

MZero11 posted...

I mean, there's things that conflict with your internal motivation all the time. You like having money and a house so you go to work, even if you'd rather sit around and play video games.

I don't work at jobs that I don't like. I leave jobs all the time to find better ones. I don't want to just sit around and play video games, I want to make stuff (and argue on gamefaqs), and so I do. I very much reject the old fashioned notion of working at a place for 45 years and then retiring, just the same as marriage.

I mean are you really defending marriage by comparing it to a job that you hate?

Of course not! You don't have to hate your job to rather be doing something else. Even though I like my job I'd rather be playing basketball... and unfortunately I'm not making it to the NBA any time soon. So sometimes I'd rather go play basketball or travel somewhere, but I can't because of work
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neonreaper posted...

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

pjbasis posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?

How is this a question? Being honest isn't the only important thing in a relationship. It's just the first step. Two honest people aren't going to always like each other. Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.

I'm guessing your parents are unhappily still together?

My parents got divorced because they never talked to each other.

My wife talk to each other constantly, and yeah, we're honest, even about uncomfortable things like "you're getting chunky", "your balls smell today", and "do more around the house".

We've had fights. But you walk away, cool off, and then come back and talk about it.

It's so disgustingly easy, I don't understand how people get divorced.

I feel like the last line indicates you don't know what you are talking about, or, you want to communicate something else entirely.

...I've been married for over 7 years?
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BowserCuffs posted...

pjbasis posted...

Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.

That's... incredibly sad. You've never seen a healthy relationship then?

You're inferring way too much. Honest people can have a great relationship. No one said otherwise. My parents are still together and fairly happily too. They don't fight, but they also don't spend much time together once my siblings and I grew up. Which isn't a bad thing, they're pretty different people and what tied them together was the family unit which is a lot more nebulous now.

BUT any relationship you pick out of the bag is probably one more of compromise than real compatibility.
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Seven years? Congrats dude! I have to ask though - in that time, have you ever felt the urge to cheat, or at least talk with your wife about such an inclination? It's a personal question and I'd understand if you ignored it, but I've been struggling with commitment after a year and a half in a relationship (what many people still consider the "honeymoon phase"). I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I were in a marriage for seven years.
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Marriage is wonderful, as long as you marry a girl with whom you have great mutual understanding. You become a unit, you move through life together. You complement each other. If one of you is weak at a time, the other helps and compensates. You can always rely on each other, and you're way more powerful together than the sum of the individual parts. When you need a plan or a problem solution, you discuss and, by combining the input of both, you reach useful conclusions you wouldn't normally have.

Then, you have children, and you can teach them and help them become good people who will carry on your legacy. They learn from one, they learn from the other, they learn from your mutual interactions and activities. Since they are born in a harmonious family, they will have the chance to become better human beings, without needless emotional baggage. To excel in life, and to follow the path of self-imrpovement you've always tried to follow.

Also importantly, by having a good family, you've got an essential fundament for your own personal growth. And if you get old and weak, the children you have raised well will likely not abandon you, and will keep providing you with care and happiness even then.
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What if you marry a man?
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foolm0r0n posted...

What if you marry a man?

Depends on if it's on purpose or an accident.
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Just having a girl make eye contact with me in the hallway is a success worth celebrating.
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imagine being 30 years old and so self-important that you can't understand why people get divorced
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HotDogButts posted...

imagine being 30 years old and so self-important that you can't understand why people get divorced

Look at what all the married people ITT say, they're all weird
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foolm0r0n posted...

HotDogButts posted...

imagine being 30 years old and so self-important that you can't understand why people get divorced

Look at what all the married people ITT say, they're all weird

lol jelly
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Digi and I are getting married after spending seven years together. We have grown together and made huge decisions. We are both on the same page. When we aren't, we talk about it and work it out. But we are compatible right now and I don't foresee that changing. I'm also not naive and I know people change, but we are pretty good and our relationship is such that we encourage each other to do whatever it is that we want to do and makes the individual happy. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything. *Shrugs* staying with one person forever doesn't work for everyone, and I think that's ok. I feel pretty good about my own situation. People should do what makes them happy, unless that's like. Murder and stuff.
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CaptainOfCrush posted...

Seven years? Congrats dude! I have to ask though - in that time, have you ever felt the urge to cheat, or at least talk with your wife about such an inclination? It's a personal question and I'd understand if you ignored it, but I've been struggling with commitment after a year and a half in a relationship (what many people still consider the "honeymoon phase"). I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I were in a marriage for seven years.

I'll be frank, yeah I have. A couple times I've been talking to a friend and they've gotten flirty and I've flirted back. One time this girl who was crushing on me decided to send me pics. It's exciting! And fun!

But I'd never seal the deal, just because that one day or whatever of physical fun wouldn't be worth the compounded fun (yeah, some days being married is boring) of my relationship.

Finding someone you can be truly comfortable about anything with IMO is just so nice.

HotDogButts posted...

imagine being 30 years old and so self-important that you can't understand why people get divorced

I was being bombastic to emphasize how easy marriage has been so far.

I mean, I moved across the country, away from a job at NINTENDO for my wife, and it was an easy decision and I'd do it again.
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ITT: people discovering that successful long-term relationships take work
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

CaptainOfCrush posted...

Seven years? Congrats dude! I have to ask though - in that time, have you ever felt the urge to cheat, or at least talk with your wife about such an inclination? It's a personal question and I'd understand if you ignored it, but I've been struggling with commitment after a year and a half in a relationship (what many people still consider the "honeymoon phase"). I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I were in a marriage for seven years.

I'll be frank, yeah I have. A couple times I've been talking to a friend and they've gotten flirty and I've flirted back. One time this girl who was crushing on me decided to send me pics. It's exciting! And fun!

But I'd never seal the deal, just because that one day or whatever of physical fun wouldn't be worth the compounded fun (yeah, some days being married is boring) of my relationship.

Finding someone you can be truly comfortable about anything with IMO is just so nice.

HotDogButts posted...

imagine being 30 years old and so self-important that you can't understand why people get divorced

I was being bombastic to emphasize how easy marriage has been so far.

I mean, I moved across the country, away from a job at NINTENDO for my wife, and it was an easy decision and I'd do it again.

If I was making 12 dollars an hour with no real future and I saw a women as my escape and refuge it would be an easy decision too.
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HotDogButts posted...

If I was making 12 dollars an hour with no real future and I saw a women as my escape and refuge it would be an easy decision too.

It was $13 an hour, and a few of my friends who stayed have ascended to salaried jobs there, thank you very much.

(And also I left and started using my GI Bill, which pays for school AND pays for my mortgage, so...)
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like I said
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Second option, no question. I don't want my happiness to be tied to having to find someone new to have a fling with. I'd rather be with someone whose presence is all I need to be happy, spending my energy returning the favor to her. I'm not the type to be a heartbreaker as it is...
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I think this is more of a 'what can I get away with subject' than people are willing to admit
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foolm0r0n posted...

What if you marry a man?

This is best scenario actually.
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