Board 8 > In terms of romantic relationships, which of these two options do you prefer?

(+) Yeah! (+)

pjbasis posted...

MariaTaylor posted...

it's sort of like having a best friend who actually wants to hang out with you all the time.

You have best friends that don't want to hang out all the time?

that's a difficult question to answer because I don't actually live near either of my three best friends right now. I will say classically they have always been down to hang out whenever they were available, yeah.

although one in particular like say we made plans and then he makes separate plans with a date. he would then basically bail on our plans to try and go get laid. there's really no risk of this happening in a committed relationship. if the person I'm dating wants to get laid they wouldn't be bailing on their plans with me, they would be making those plans with me.
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pjbasis posted...

You have best friends that don't want to hang out all the time?

Yeah, and I feel it's way more common the older you get. A lot of my best friends are married now and hanging out with their spouses, the fucking traitors.
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My partner and I are happy with our open relationship...so neither?
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CaptainOfCrush posted...

pjbasis posted...

You have best friends that don't want to hang out all the time?

Yeah, and I feel it's way more common the older you get. A lot of my best friends are married now and hanging out with their spouses, the fucking traitors.

oh yeah for sure this too. spouses and kids get in the way of classic friend time.

anyway I was mostly referring to like say I want to go and see the new Kong and it has just come out in theaters

LTR: likes going on dates with me, would want to be invited. even if she's not into giant monster movies she would probably be happy to be involved in something that I like.

trying to find a date: need to convince someone to go with me, might not say yes even if they want to go for some weird reasons that are impossible to discern, possibly might need to play some kind of social game or demonstrate my value just to get a straight answer, the subject might flake even after giving a straight answer, maybe she doesn't want to see Kong and so I'm stuck trying to go to a movie that I didn't even want to see, etc. etc.

maybe other people have had different experiences but this has been mine.
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MariaTaylor posted...

the best thing about having a long term committed partner is that you always have a person you can invite to stuff whenever you want to go and do something. it's sort of like having a best friend who actually wants to hang out with you all the time. those were my favorite kind of relationships that I've been in. it's possible that this kind of feeling wears off over time and the long term commitment thing would become a pain but I never reached that point in any of my relationships. although I really don't like the idea of marriage either so I just didn't vote.

I see where you're coming from. In terms of traveling alone, I've done more in the past 18 months I've been with my gf than in like... the 18 years before. I can imagine losing that companionship can be scary for a lot of people. It will be for me if we break up, and I'm one of the people that picked option 1.
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Someone should program luster to use his search engine of choice in order to add new definitions to his library
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foolm0r0n posted...

When you're with a "life partner", how often do you have to fake things just so you can maintain this relationship that you desperately don't want to lose? Pretty much constantly

What? it's literally the opposite. New relationships you have to fake shit.

At this point in our relationship, my wife and I say exactly what we don't like, and ask for exactly what we want.

It's so much better than playing stupid games.
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I feel like most people probably aren't fit to answer this question. Like most people haven't actually tried both, having settled down with practically the first person they had any sort of relationship with, or the partner they tried the second option with wasn't like "the one" so to speak. And no I'm not claiming I'm exempt from this, as I've never had a long term relationship whatsoever. Hell I'm probably among the least qualified on the board as I haven't really ever had a phase of my life where I was anything resembling a pickup artist either. It's just not worth the bother to me-- I find dating to be an annoyance most of the time.

So that being said theoretically give me option 2. Though I haven't ever met a woman I'd be happy employing option 2 for and I get older by the day, so I'll probably die alone, especially considering as the longer you wait the higher percentage of appealing women either get saddled with children or other men, increasing the entry barrier.

I'm mostly okay with this at the moment. Probably won't be 30 years from now though, and I feel like I shouldn't be now, but what can ya do. I guess the answer is "force yourself to go on annoying dates more often."
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Lopen posted...

Hell I'm probably among the least qualified on the board as I haven't really ever had a phase of my life where I was anything resembling a pickup artist either.

lmao I don't think that makes you the least qualified. That's the standard.
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

At this point in our relationship, my wife and I say exactly what we don't like, and ask for exactly what we want.

About each other? Telling things to each other's faces about faults you have is hard to keep up in any kind of relationship.
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foolm0r0n posted...

When you're with a "life partner", how often do you have to fake things just so you can maintain this relationship that you desperately don't want to lose? Pretty much constantly.

Somebody's got communication issues. Having a life partner teaches you perspective. Everything is not part of a wild emotional roller coaster, you can identify some stuff that's getting you down or frustrating you and share that with your partner. Then, provided you are self-aware enough to not start destructively projecting all over the place, they will understand that something is upsetting you and it's not them. If it is them, you can communicate honestly and reach a middle ground that's fine for everyone involved. There's no faking. If there is faking, it becomes extremely clear over time and that's just painful. I don't understand why someone would be in a relationship in the first place, if they feel they can't be open and honest.

MariaTaylor posted...

the best thing about having a long term committed partner is that you always have a person you can invite to stuff whenever you want to go and do something.

Alternatively, you can have a great buffer whenever people invite you to stuff. You can delay your response slightly by saying you have to ask your spouse, plus if you are both super tired you can just stay home together. I always felt on the spot to respond when I was single, but now that I'm with Tom it's amazing how much less social pressure I feel.
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Llarian posted...

Alternatively, you can have a great buffer whenever people invite you to stuff. You can delay your response slightly by saying you have to ask your spouse, plus if you are both super tired you can just stay home together. I always felt on the spot to respond when I was single, but now that I'm with Tom it's amazing how much less social pressure I feel.

This is true. I wear sweatpants and crappy basketball shorts in public way more often than I used to.
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CaptainOfCrush posted...

This is true. I wear sweatpants and crappy basketball shorts in public way more often than I used to.

I now realize that I meant pressure to be social, but this is also applicable.
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CaptainOfCrush posted...

I'm sure it's that and because having and raising children seems much more doable with option 2, and I think most Board 8ers have indicated that they would like children at least one day.

Well sure but "one day" is not necessarily now
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pjbasis posted...

My biggest internal battle is how much I want children with also how much I don't like marriage.

Yeppp, I'm hoping eventually the "you gotta settle" flag in my brain gets ticked though
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MariaTaylor posted...

the best thing about having a long term committed partner is that you always have a person you can invite to stuff whenever you want to go and do something.

That's how casual dating is too. Just they might not be there in 1, 5, 10 years etc and you'll have to find another one or two. Not that if you marry them they are guaranteed to be there either...
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foolm0r0n posted...

When you're with a "life partner", how often do you have to fake things just so you can maintain this relationship that you desperately don't want to lose? Pretty much constantly.

uh what?

Like literally never? I don't know any other person who I can be as honest with as my wife. Whether its "You smell like a bad tire" or "Holy cow that cashier is gorgeous do you think she was into me" I can pretty much say anything I want to my wife without fear of consequence because she already knows everything about me.
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I think this whole discussion of honesty is overly simplistic and romantic.

You can make honest connections with anyone. Has little to do with sex and marriage.
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SantaRPidgey posted...

Whether its "You smell like a bad tire" or "Holy cow that cashier is gorgeous do you think she was into me" I can pretty much say anything I want to my wife without fear of consequence because she already knows everything about me.

Man if this is your metric for honesty...I don't really know a good way to put this without sounding insulting. But it's a front or you're a real simple dude. Which isn't bad! Bless your one in a million condition. But you're also a sustenance farmer from what I hear, so it kinda fits?
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I kinda tried to clean it up and keep it silly without letting it get too dark. Obviously there are other honesty topics to breach.
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Llarian posted...

There's no faking. If there is faking, it becomes extremely clear over time and that's just painful. I don't understand why someone would be in a relationship in the first place, if they feel they can't be open and honest.

What I mean is, there are usually 2 things involved in a relationship: Person 1 and Person 2. With a lifetime partner, there is a 3rd thing that is involved: the relationship itself. My problem is this relationship becomes by far the most important thing, to the point that you will do whatever it takes to save it. That's what I mean by "fake". Yes it becomes extremely clear and painful over time, but that doesn't matter, because the relationship is too valuable to lose. Clearly other people like this aspect of marriage, like "oh it's such a sacrifice but it's so worth it" and "you give up yourself and become part of a greater whole" and such.

I'm not talking about little white lies like "you look good in that dress!", but "I want to keep living in Ohio" or "this was a good career choice" or "I'm happy" or "I still love you". Major life decisions that are done for the sake of the relationship rather than yourself.

I do realize there are things you can only get from a dedicated relationship like that, so I do want to try it... eventually. I just can't imagine when that would actually be.
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pjbasis posted...

Lopen posted...

Hell I'm probably among the least qualified on the board as I haven't really ever had a phase of my life where I was anything resembling a pickup artist either.

lmao I don't think that makes you the least qualified. That's the standard.

Well I meant like, I haven't really experienced option 1 OR option 2, so yeah in some ways I'm even less qualified to talk than say yoblazer who seems to be speaking about preferring option 1 from the perspective of a person who is in a long term relationship because he never wants to be alone moreso than the perspective of someone who is in a long term relationship because they've found someone who is a person they have a really deep connection with, (just based on what he's been saying, anyway-- maybe I'm interpreting it completely wrong) or any one of these other people who find a deep lasting life partner connection with like the third person they date.

I just think it's really hard to actually know which you prefer for most people, because most people have not attempted and/or been able to experience both (and may not even have interest in attempting to do so), but since I'm probably close to the worst of both worlds among people who aren't socially inept, the irony of being the one to make that judgment isn't lost on me. Then again maybe not having lived either lifestyle makes me better positioned to consider which one I'd like-- none of that pesky 'attachment' to get in the way of cold hard logic. Yeahhhh.
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foolm0r0n posted...

I just can't imagine when that would actually be.

prb after about 10 more pounds
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SantaRPidgey posted...

prb after about 10 more pounds

of MUSCLE maybe
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I haven't dated in years, partially because I'm not interested in casual dating. If I ever do date again, it'll be in hopes of a long-term relationship.
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Having them
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foolm0r0n posted...

What I mean is, there are usually 2 things involved in a relationship: Person 1 and Person 2. With a lifetime partner, there is a 3rd thing that is involved: the relationship itself. My problem is this relationship becomes by far the most important thing, to the point that you will do whatever it takes to save it. That's what I mean by "fake". Yes it becomes extremely clear and painful over time, but that doesn't matter, because the relationship is too valuable to lose.

This is absolutely something that any healthy relationship grows out of.

In year 1 or 2 maybe we were like "shit, can we make this work? Is this relationship worth dealing with *insert thing*?"

And eventually, yes, either they change or you learn to love the flaws of your partner.

At least in my experience, this fake shit is not a thing at all.
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foolm0r0n posted...

MariaTaylor posted...

the best thing about having a long term committed partner is that you always have a person you can invite to stuff whenever you want to go and do something.

That's how casual dating is too. Just they might not be there in 1, 5, 10 years etc and you'll have to find another one or two. Not that if you marry them they are guaranteed to be there either...

this has not been my experience but maybe we have different definitions for casual dating
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CaptainOfCrush posted...

@LusterSoldier

That one urbanized dictionary site has a pretty good definition:

deliberately short-term sexual relationship between two people. Longer than a one-night stand, not as serious-sounding as "affair", more frankly physical than the discreet or twee "dalliance", the word has the associations of a much-needed sexual relief from stress, worry or hangups. No deep personal involvement required, just the sex and a bit of attention.

Thank you yoblazer.
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I'd think an ideal option 2 is much more rewarding and would trump any configuration of option 1, but it's also much more difficult to find and time-consuming. The times I have reached balance with a partner have definitely been much more gratifying than any flings I've had in my life, but naturally, keeping that balance sustainable over time is not always easy.
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Neither TBQH

Hermit life 4 lyfe
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To be honest, I can't imagine anything that would force you to fake things more than having multiple flings.

Like, seriously. That's where you have to be at your fakest.

A good relationship is where you can be at your realest and you just can't do that with flings.
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why can't i marry or have a fling with a dude

geez
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

foolm0r0n posted...

What I mean is, there are usually 2 things involved in a relationship: Person 1 and Person 2. With a lifetime partner, there is a 3rd thing that is involved: the relationship itself. My problem is this relationship becomes by far the most important thing, to the point that you will do whatever it takes to save it. That's what I mean by "fake". Yes it becomes extremely clear and painful over time, but that doesn't matter, because the relationship is too valuable to lose.

This is absolutely something that any healthy relationship grows out of.

In year 1 or 2 maybe we were like "shit, can we make this work? Is this relationship worth dealing with *insert thing*?"

And eventually, yes, either they change or you learn to love the flaws of your partner.

At least in my experience, this fake shit is not a thing at all.

Personally that aspect is the thing I hate though. With all kinds of other relationships, I don't have to ask "can we make this work" because it does or it doesn't. If my friends and I don't see eye to eye, then that's it. We might fall out of friendship, or just go our separate ways. We're not trying to keep a "relationship" going just for the sake of it.

But romantic relationships aren't like that. It's this weird commitment thing where you fell pressured to keep it going even if it stops working.
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

At least in my experience, this fake shit is not a thing at all.

Okay so I found a better way to explain "fake"

What I mean is, externally motivated, instead of internally motivated
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MariaTaylor posted...

this has not been my experience but maybe we have different definitions for casual dating

Yoblazer just taught me the word dalliance. That's kinda what I'm talking about I guess.
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BowserCuffs posted...

A good relationship is where you can be at your realest and you just can't do that with flings.

Y'all are having some bad flings

What's the point if you can't be disgustingly honest?
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foolmo is 100% right. the best part about a fling is that you dont have to try

foolm0r0n posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

A good relationship is where you can be at your realest and you just can't do that with flings.

Y'all are having some bad flings

What's the point if you can't be disgustingly honest?

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?
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foolm0r0n posted...

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

At least in my experience, this fake shit is not a thing at all.

Okay so I found a better way to explain "fake"

What I mean is, externally motivated, instead of internally motivated

Does a motivation being external make it inherently bad?
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BowserCuffs posted...

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?

You honestly don't like it anymore

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

Does a motivation being external make it inherently bad?

Kinda. It's just forced. Especially if it's in conflict with your internal motivation.
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foolm0r0n posted...

You honestly don't like it anymore

Then that means you've been faking it.
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BowserCuffs posted...

Then that means you've been faking it.

If you stop eating a burger because you're full does it mean you didn't like the burger?

Do you only truly like the burger if you're forced to eat every last morsel or else Mike Tyson will punch you in the gut and make you throw it all up? Sounds like torture to me
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foolm0r0n posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

Then that means you've been faking it.

If you stop eating a burger because you're full does it mean you didn't like the burger?

Do you only truly like the burger if you're forced to eat every last morsel or else Mike Tyson will punch you in the gut and make you throw it all up? Sounds like torture to me

What an awful way to look at relationships.

I can guarantee that if you were to ever hit me up, I'd decline for that reason alone.
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foolm0r0n posted...

Kinda. It's just forced. Especially if it's in conflict with your internal motivation.

I mean, there's things that conflict with your internal motivation all the time. You like having money and a house so you go to work, even if you'd rather sit around and play video games.
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BowserCuffs posted...

foolm0r0n posted...

You honestly don't like it anymore

Then that means you've been faking it.

That definitely does not follow.
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CeraSeptem posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

foolm0r0n posted...

You honestly don't like it anymore

Then that means you've been faking it.

That definitely does not follow.

Sure it does. if you stop enjoying a relationship, it means you've been faking it, and got tired of doing so. Or the other person has been faking it and stopped doing so and you didn't like them anymore.
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foolm0r0n posted...

I'm not talking about little white lies like "you look good in that dress!", but "I want to keep living in Ohio" or "this was a good career choice" or "I'm happy" or "I still love you". Major life decisions that are done for the sake of the relationship rather than yourself.

If you are not comfortable with yourself first, you won't be comfortable anywhere.

"I'm happy" and "I still love you"... are temporary emotions. There's a certain point, beyond the scope of a fling, where a long term relationship enters into a tough situation. What you do then is act out of your commitment to loving the other person, rather than rolling along the exciting feeling of someone else enjoying your company. You do dishes, you take out trash, you mend clothing, you dust, you go to wakes and funerals and give elderly parents a lift. You dry tears, you read eulogies, you deal with papers. You do the hard work of loving that isn't fun, it isn't exciting, but it's just as important as all the good times you've had.

I suggest you try a long term relationship if, and only if, you can picture yourself making decisions that don't solely benefit yourself. If you can't, then fling away.
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BowserCuffs posted...

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?

How is this a question? Being honest isn't the only important thing in a relationship. It's just the first step. Two honest people aren't going to always like each other. Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.
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pjbasis posted...

BowserCuffs posted...

If you're in a relationship where you can be disgustingly honest, what's the point of ending it?

How is this a question? Being honest isn't the only important thing in a relationship. It's just the first step. Two honest people aren't going to always like each other. Dishonest people stay in relationships longer because they lie to keep it going.

I'm guessing your parents are unhappily still together?

My parents got divorced because they never talked to each other.

My wife talk to each other constantly, and yeah, we're honest, even about uncomfortable things like "you're getting chunky", "your balls smell today", and "do more around the house".

We've had fights. But you walk away, cool off, and then come back and talk about it.

It's so disgustingly easy, I don't understand how people get divorced.
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