Current Events > I just finished writing a pilot script and I would love to get some feedback.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Just so you know, it's 48 pages because the third act is too damn long. So one of the first things I'm doing for the new draft is figuring out how to condense that shit.
But yeah, it's a coming-of-age comedy about a couple of hip-hop geeks in the year 2003.

https://docdro.id/0kGhbEU

It's the first draft and I was crunching myself to write most of it while hyped up on coffee and staying up late. So there might be typos and stuff. Let me know if you like it or hate it. I'm going to sleep.

Tag. IDK if I'll get around to reading it, but I'd like to check it out and give some feedback.

Tag for me to read when I wake up tomorrow.

introducing a new character in the third act huh?

Started reading it. First thing.

It took 1 scene to establish the kids were friends growing up and into music. I'm now 5 pages and 5 timelines in. I got bored on the 2nd one.

Think about any great best buds for life tv show. Does it start with showing their entire childhood or does it start with 1 quick scene and then have all those other cut scenes sprinkled throughout seasons?

I'm a firm critic so I'm tracking this topic so I can read the pilot tomorrow. I'm actually about to go to bed but sounds like I would be able to give some useful feedback so I want to get around this

So what sort of world are you trying to create? Is this supposed to at all be grounded in reality? If so, I would change the police scene. Getting into a police chase was way too high of stakes for the circumstance. Have the boys running down some alley ways to avoid the cops and then get into the van and drive off or something. And like the Mamadou being chased at night during the police chase scene? Way too much. You want Mamadou being chased being a running joke (heh), have it when they are coming home to the Yang's neighborhood. Where do you take it from here if he's running through a police chase first episode?

Also who are these characters supposed to be? It felt like quite a few times they acted the way you wanted the scene to play out instead of the way I would expect those characters to act. You can have A character be the author's voice, not all of them.

Like the Yang's that successfully sent 1 kid to college and has another as valedictorian and stayed up to greet their kid for being a bit late coming home in a somewhat rough area? That is not going to be a permissive house in regards to drug use. That just doesn't ring true to me. So they can be smoking weed, but they are doing it low key, blowing it out the window, through a toilet paper tube with laundry fresheners or making microwaved popcorn to overwhelm the scent. Not just ripping away and suddenly trying to cover it up.

For the cut scenes, what I would do is first flashback, have that be the scene of the boys doing the talent show in like 6th/7th grade. Start with them back stage psyching each other up the way only best bros can or some shit, they come out, their classmates don't really react, the teachers are into it. Establishes boys into music, boys are outcasts, boys are talented. Cut to award, boys win to little applause from their class but cheering from the judges and parents. Give Cortez a throw away line there about how this will help him get into Stanford if you really want to.

then go into the boys walking to school. Go through your story.

I would consider having going to Stanford always being Cortez's dream, and something that Sonny was going along with because it sounded fun and like a good step but never being his dream.

Show this in the 2nd back scene, show them prepping for the talent show and doing the beat boxing scene with Fang. Establish Cortez has the hots for her back here and forever. No Stanford stuff in Sonny's room. All the music similarities, but have sports or science or some other aspect to Sonny for him to have interests in.

This allows for a few different potential conflicts and solutions within character for both of them.

Have them being successful at local shows. Have Declan's connection with Stanford be legit. Have the tension be not only can Sonny get into Stanford, but if he has the ability to make music here and now, is that really what he wants?

I'd also resolve the communication plot between Sonny and Cortez first episode, unless that was going to be an ongoing issue with their relationship, Sonny can never tell Cortez the truth.

Just my takes on it and what I would do.

I charge to look over anything this long, but I did give the first two pages a quick once over. I'm not really pulled in, and the dialogue already feels a little forced.

This topic reminds me of the topic where someone posted these heartfelt lyrics they'd been working on all year, and #2 was "that song sucked".

OP took it in good humour, but shit was incredibly funny regardless. Not saying anything about your script bc I didn't read it.

*Taking notes and stuff*

Tag.

Ill give this a read and provide honest feedback

Im only a couple pages in but it could be cool if they rap the part where theyre studying chemistry

Feline_Heart posted...

Im only a couple pages in but it could be cool if they rap the part where theyre studying chemistry

Oh shit, I like this. You just became my co-writer!

While we're at it, I need to actually figure out lyrics for the second draft (as you can see, there are place holders...)

Okay, I finished reading it. I have a lot of notes, but dont take that to mean that I didnt like it because I did. I was just writing all of my thoughts as I was reading it. Some of these are dumb nitpicks

• I dont know if the scene with the junkie trying to sell them sneakers works. Ive lived in NYC for my entire life and Ive never seen that happen. People on the street might try to sell you weed but junkies usually just stumble along the street saying random gibberish or they ask you for money. I get that the point of this is to show how much they dislike their neighborhood and want to get out but maybe you could try something a little different. That seems more like a minor inconvenience than something that truly sucks, you know? It should probably be something with a little more urgency so that the audience understands right off the bat why they want to get out.
• Some of the dialogue feels a little rigid and unnatural. You could try reading the lines out loud and then thinking about how you and your friends would talk
• Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I dont buy the way that they get treated by everyone. Like the part where everyone starts throwing paper balls at them. Thats more like something out of an 80s movie than something that would actually happen in real life. Especially seeing as how theyre seniors. I just cant imagine something that lame happening, much less happening for no reason whatsoever. And if their classmates didnt like their music, theres no way that they could win the talent show every year. Talent Shows usually go off of which acts were the most popular with the audience, not solely based off of what the judges like
• About that part where they didnt want to miss the bus. Were they talking about a school bus? Because none of the MTA buses have a 45 minute wait unless its really early in the morning/late at night or theres a snow storm
• Does anyone really consider Jada Pinkett and Stacey Dash perfect? Lol
• In Tatums first piece of dialogue I think you could cut out that sentence where she says they must be best friends and just keep the line where she says theyre adorable together
• Random note, but its kind of weird that all of the characters so far have birthdays at the end of the year lol. Cortez and Sonny are 17 and about to graduate and Tatum is 20 and said shes been in college for 3 years so she graduated at 17 too
• That Steve Harwell reference will probably go over most peoples heads. The Shaq one will too but I like that so you should keep it lol
• Why does this Declan guy carry around spare phones with his number stored in it?
• Theres a typo on page 28: They didnt. This weirdo frat bro give it to me after we totally killed it at his party!
• Running away from the cops over some weed in the car seems like an extreme overreaction. And Cortez and Sonny immediately being excited about it seems strange too. I dont get how Fang could be mad at them when she was the one who picked them up in a car with weed in it and then drove away from the cops. Fang telling Sonnys parents that they need to get their rid off the streets for a bit sounds incredibly suspicious, so I think you should change that line a little
• Typo on page 35: Youve been having these sporadic depressive episodes all day. Its bringing the vibe down! Ae you okay?
• Grammar error on page 36: Isnt your parents usually sleep around this time?

Feline_Heart posted...

Okay, I finished reading it. I have a lot of notes, but dont take that to mean that I didnt like it

Not at all! I like to throw all my ideas into the first draft and then condense them into something that makes a bit more sense in the following drafts. So there's bound to be stuff I gotta address. It just helps having fresh eyes look at it so they can spot things I don't notice.

* I dont know if the scene with the junkie trying to sell them sneakers works. Ive lived in NYC for my entire life and Ive never seen that happen. People on the street might try to sell you weed but junkies usually just stumble along the street saying random gibberish or they ask you for money. I get that the point of this is to show how much they dislike their neighborhood and want to get out but maybe you could try something a little different. That seems more like a minor inconvenience than something that truly sucks, you know? It should probably be something with a little more urgency so that the audience understands right off the bat why they want to get out.
* Some of the dialogue feels a little rigid and unnatural. You could try reading the lines out loud and then thinking about how you and your friends would talk
* Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I dont buy the way that they get treated by everyone. Like the part where everyone starts throwing paper balls at them. Thats more like something out of an 80s movie than something that would actually happen in real life. Especially seeing as how theyre seniors. I just cant imagine something that lame happening, much less happening for no reason whatsoever. And if their classmates didnt like their music, theres no way that they could win the talent show every year. Talent Shows usually go off of which acts were the most popular with the audience, not solely based off of what the judges like
* About that part where they didnt want to miss the bus. Were they talking about a school bus? Because none of the MTA buses have a 45 minute wait unless its really early in the morning/late at night or theres a snow storm
* Does anyone really consider Jada Pinkett and Stacey Dash perfect? Lol
* In Tatums first piece of dialogue I think you could cut out that sentence where she says they must be best friends and just keep the line where she says theyre adorable together
* Random note, but its kind of weird that all of the characters so far have birthdays at the end of the year lol. Cortez and Sonny are 17 and about to graduate and Tatum is 20 and said shes been in college for 3 years so she graduated at 17 too
* That Steve Harwell reference will probably go over most peoples heads. The Shaq one will too but I like that so you should keep it lol
* Why does this Declan guy carry around spare phones with his number stored in it?
* Theres a typo on page 28: They didnt. This weirdo frat bro give it to me after we totally killed it at his party!
* Running away from the cops over some weed in the car seems like an extreme overreaction. And Cortez and Sonny immediately being excited about it seems strange too. I dont get how Fang could be mad at them when she was the one who picked them up in a car with weed in it and then drove away from the cops. Fang telling Sonnys parents that they need to get their rid off the streets for a bit sounds incredibly suspicious, so I think you should change that line a little
* Typo on page 35: Youve been having these sporadic depressive episodes all day. Its bringing the vibe down! Ae you okay?
* Grammar error on page 36: Isnt your parents usually sleep around this time?

This stuff is very much appreciated by me. And yeah, some those lines definitely felt rushed towards the end as I was typing them out. I was going so far over the page limit I was aiming for (around 35...yeah...) that I ended up trying to add as little dialogue to some exchanges. At least it gives me an idea on what I'm going to cut out.

I will say TC, for modern dramas in the streaming era, one hour (58 or 60 pages) has become a standard, whereas with tv it used to be 45-47 pages. It sounds like in your case you'll want to cut it down to half an hour instead.

JimmyFraska posted...

I will say TC, for modern dramas in the streaming era, one hour (58 or 60 pages) has become a standard, whereas with tv it used to be 45-47 pages. It sounds like in your case you'll want to cut it down to half an hour instead.

Yeah. I've seen scripts for half hour shows go up to around the mid-40s. I guess for this in particular, I want to keep it modest and have it around the early-mid 30 pages mark. Gonna cut out a fair bit of stuff.

Merry Kittmas

SSJGrimReaper posted...

Merry Kittmas

Kittmas is anything but merry. :/