Feline_Heart posted... Okay, I finished reading it. I have a lot of notes, but dont take that to mean that I didnt like it
Not at all! I like to throw all my ideas into the first draft and then condense them into something that makes a bit more sense in the following drafts. So there's bound to be stuff I gotta address. It just helps having fresh eyes look at it so they can spot things I don't notice.
* I dont know if the scene with the junkie trying to sell them sneakers works. Ive lived in NYC for my entire life and Ive never seen that happen. People on the street might try to sell you weed but junkies usually just stumble along the street saying random gibberish or they ask you for money. I get that the point of this is to show how much they dislike their neighborhood and want to get out but maybe you could try something a little different. That seems more like a minor inconvenience than something that truly sucks, you know? It should probably be something with a little more urgency so that the audience understands right off the bat why they want to get out.
* Some of the dialogue feels a little rigid and unnatural. You could try reading the lines out loud and then thinking about how you and your friends would talk
* Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I dont buy the way that they get treated by everyone. Like the part where everyone starts throwing paper balls at them. Thats more like something out of an 80s movie than something that would actually happen in real life. Especially seeing as how theyre seniors. I just cant imagine something that lame happening, much less happening for no reason whatsoever. And if their classmates didnt like their music, theres no way that they could win the talent show every year. Talent Shows usually go off of which acts were the most popular with the audience, not solely based off of what the judges like
* About that part where they didnt want to miss the bus. Were they talking about a school bus? Because none of the MTA buses have a 45 minute wait unless its really early in the morning/late at night or theres a snow storm
* Does anyone really consider Jada Pinkett and Stacey Dash perfect? Lol
* In Tatums first piece of dialogue I think you could cut out that sentence where she says they must be best friends and just keep the line where she says theyre adorable together
* Random note, but its kind of weird that all of the characters so far have birthdays at the end of the year lol. Cortez and Sonny are 17 and about to graduate and Tatum is 20 and said shes been in college for 3 years so she graduated at 17 too
* That Steve Harwell reference will probably go over most peoples heads. The Shaq one will too but I like that so you should keep it lol
* Why does this Declan guy carry around spare phones with his number stored in it?
* Theres a typo on page 28: They didnt. This weirdo frat bro give it to me after we totally killed it at his party!
* Running away from the cops over some weed in the car seems like an extreme overreaction. And Cortez and Sonny immediately being excited about it seems strange too. I dont get how Fang could be mad at them when she was the one who picked them up in a car with weed in it and then drove away from the cops. Fang telling Sonnys parents that they need to get their rid off the streets for a bit sounds incredibly suspicious, so I think you should change that line a little
* Typo on page 35: Youve been having these sporadic depressive episodes all day. Its bringing the vibe down! Ae you okay?
* Grammar error on page 36: Isnt your parents usually sleep around this time?
This stuff is very much appreciated by me. And yeah, some those lines definitely felt rushed towards the end as I was typing them out. I was going so far over the page limit I was aiming for (around 35...yeah...) that I ended up trying to add as little dialogue to some exchanges. At least it gives me an idea on what I'm going to cut out.