Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Hello CE.

For those who have not yet dipped their toes into my journey, my wife passed away on July 17th, 2023. She passed away utilizing the MAID program in Canada (Medical Assistance in Death).

To make a very long medical journey short, she had multiple medical conditions that made her life just not something she wanted to continue living. I will discuss it here briefly to give some context.

Ehlors Danlos - A degenerative connective tissue syndrome which causes your joints, limbs, and organs to rip and tear. There is no cure nor really any sort of significant treatment options right now. Most people who have bad Ehlors Danlos eventually have a trip or fall that causes one of their major organs to rupture and thus pass away. There are degrees of how bad it can be. My wife's specialist in a prognosis update in July stated that my wife had one of the most debilitating experiences of Ehlors Danlos he had ever seen. My wife had a pacemaker installed in her early 20's due most likely to Ehlors Danlos. The only real treatment that exists is pain management, which was impossible due to...

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome - Mast Cells are what are responsible in your body for allergic reactions. Basically, my wife's Mast Cells were in constant overdrive. She would have allergic reactions to most things. We could not use laundry detergent, most types of soap, she could barely eat anything and eventually towards the end of her life was on an all-liquid diet. This also impacted her ability to use medication and her body could only tolerate Tylenol near the end of her life, which did basically nothing. She tried literally hundreds of different medications, almost all of which caused her allergic reactions.

Long Covid - What prompted us to even discuss MAID in the first place was when we both, in September of 2022, got COVID. I had to be off work for a week and during that week my wife sat me down and told me what her day to day life was like and that outside of the time we spent together, her life was misery. I recovered from COVID fairly well with no linger side-effects, my wife had weakness and breathing problems that stayed until she passed away.

She had a multitude of other things that came as a result of the medical problems. Lots of mental health tied into it, from a sexually and physically abusive upbringing to being gaslit by the medical field, from a mother struggling with bi-polar, being a rape survivor... just kinda had a rough go of it for most of her life. I met her right as her health started to seriously decline. She would apologize to me almost daily for me being "forced" to take care of her as these conditions materialized, worsened, and eventually made her life not something she wanted to continue.

In September of 2022 she let me know her intention to use the MAID program. She gave me an out then, and many days after that. She told me she understood if I didn't want to literally watch her die. I told her there was no way in hell she would ever do this alone and that the last thing she would ever see is the face of her loving husband as she got to say goodbye to her pain and suffering. It's hard to watch the person you love most in this world die. It's hard to watch her suffer. But spending time with her? Sharing in her world? It was as natural as breathing to me.

The journey wasn't easy. She was declined here in Saskatchewan where we live... a province we were ALWAYS gaslit in about her health. It was so much easier for doctors to just assume my wife was somatic and that her problems were mental health related. We had to go see a specialist in Alberta to get her Ehlors Danlos and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome properly diagnosed. Even then, doctors here would question those diagnoses and claim that they didn't believe her. We contacted Dying with Dignity who told us to reach out to a doctor in BC who helped CREATE the law.

She spoke with my wife over Zoom and in a 45 minute conversation with her and looking at her medical history, agreed that she could use MAID. We needed to find a second doctor who would do it... and due to some legal challenges (that won't go anywhere but are still annoying), none of her colleagues were willing to see her. She got a different Saskatchewan doctor to try to be the second assessor... and he demanded documentation from mental health experts on all the work she tried to do with them (mental health is not part of MAID yet, it is about physical maladies). Thankfully after hearing about that, the first assessor in BC FINALLY found someone willing to do it. She chatted with us for 25 minutes and said yes.

With this final approval on July 12th, my wife and I bought tickets to BC, flew out on the 16th, and on the 17th at 5:31pm, my wife... the strongest person I've ever known and one of the most beautiful souls to ever be, was finally allowed to put down her burdens.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/3/7/AAABltAAEuR5.jpg

I got this picture of her 5 minutes before she passed away. Look at that smile. For probably the first time in her life TRULY, she was completely free and unburdened. In a life full of just... taking all the shit life had to offer, she could finally just let it all go. I held her hand as she passed away and I took my flight back home later that night.

So now I'm here, August 3rd. This whole process has been chronicled in two topics, now heading into this third one. I'm sure the regulars from my previous topic will follow along. Follow along with me as I just kinda document the process, what I'm doing, how I'm handling things.

If you're new to the journey, don't be afraid to ask questions. Unless you're just a flat out asshole you won't offend me. This is an... unusual journey for someone to talk, though there are some fellow CE'ers who have lost their partners through health troubles as well who have been just wonderful in sharing their own experiences too. It's been a very healing set of topics for me. Given me a safe place to just spill my guts and so many people have shared their own stories and we've been supporting each other. It's been really quite beautiful and I've been using GameFAQS for over 23 years now.

Rest in peace

Rest in peace, such a horrible thing to have to go through

i've seen the title of that other topic several times and never cared to open it, but i just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty if you felt some sense of relief when someone with a long-term illness that you've had to care for passes away

it doesn't make you a bad person

sorry, TC; for both the loss of your wife and for how much she had to suffer.

RIP to her

Ah man.. I'm tearing up looking at her picture.

My heart goes out to you brother and if there's any concept of a soul, mine sings out to her in celebration of the person she was and the lasting effect she will continue to have on the world.

May you have the strength to forge a path decorated with the love you two shared.

She lives in you.

RIP, sorry for your loss.

Kaiganeer posted...

i've seen the title of that other topic several times and never cared to open it, but i just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty if you felt some sense of relief when someone with a long-term illness that you've had to care for passes away

it doesn't make you a bad person

I made my peace with that. I began working with a psychologist when my wife and I discussed her wanting to use MAID and I agreed to get her to the finish line, for lack of a better word.

There are some very stunning realities of being a caregiver to a substantially sick partner. We have a physiotherapist that worked on us both who meant the world to my wife. Really the only medical practitioner who had her back the whole time. She was a surrogate mother figure and she and my wife met about one month before my wife and I started dating. I will be burying my wife's ashes on her property under a magnificent, beautiful tree.

When she was working on me once, when my wife was in hospital and couldn't come with, she literally hugged me and told me that so many people do not do what I did. They cannot be a caregiver to a consistently sick partner, a dying partner. She told me she was very proud of what I was doing and encouraged me, in the safety of her office, to just say to another human being for the first time ever that this is hard and that I will feel some relief when my wife passes.

So I did. For the first time ever I said those words, and I bawled like a baby as I said them because I felt such immense guilt. Between her and my psychologist I really did some work on myself and understanding that I am allowed to feel relief now.

I told my psychologist that my greatest fears in her passing weren't even necessarily my wife dying. I didn't "fear" that, if that makes sense. We all die, and my wife wanted her pain and suffering to end. I was happy to get her to the point of when I took that picture. I told my psychologist that I didn't know who I was right now beyond being a caregiver to a dying partner. Like I know I'm a good friend, I'm an excellent youth care worker, a devoted member of my family... but deep down who I have been for nearly twelve years? I am the devoted husband to a dying wife. I am the singular caregiver to a suffering soul. Remove that element from my life and who I am? What am I? That thought scared the fuck out of me.

Thank you for sharing your story TC, and I'm sorry about what both you and your wife had to go through.

I've been kinda writing now and then in I guess a journal? I will share what I have so far with you all. It's gonna be in multiple posts but you'll sorta see the format and know when I'm "journaling" for lack of a better word.

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July 17th, 2023. 5:31pm PST

My wife passed away holding my hand this minute. My world is completely different. Five minutes before I took a picture of her laughing and smiling with the doctor without a care in the world. It was the kind of freedom and happiness I hadnt seen from her in many years. I keep looking at this picture and smile, as tears flow. I thanked the doctor, a wonderful human who has saved my wife from any more pain and anguish.

Fifteen Minutes

There is an open pharmacy in the same building. My wife had to bring a small pharmacy with her everywhere she went. Prescription medications, over the counter, allergy lists, splints, everything. To exist she needed these things, to exist in pain and distress. I walk up to the counter and ask them if I can leave medications with them to dispose of properly. Lindsay talked to me about this and that emptying her meds will make it easier for me to travel back. She always needed a doctors note and even then it took the airport like 20 minutes to go through all this stuff to ensure that it wasnt a danger. I wore my sunglasses so they couldnt see me crying. Im not typically afraid to show my emotions, but this is all so new and so raw, I dont want to have to explain myself. The pharmacist lets me pour out medications into a ziploc bag to hand over for proper disposal. I shakily begin to pop open bottles, pour their contents out. This is all so new to me. Lindsay took care of her own things. With all her allergies and my having to work in a world where Im just going to have those around me, we both understood that whenever possible, she would take care of packing those things, opening them up.

It feels so invasive. I take some deep breaths and continue to work. Im reminded of the words of the doctor... No more pain, no more medications. No more worrying, no more stress. I look back to that picture, a beacon of happiness and hope in a world that is crashing down around me. I smile, and finish up my work.

One Hour

Ive let my entire support network know. They all knew what was happening, I kept them in the loop. For as strong as Ive had to be for so long, I knew that in my moments when I potentially just couldnt be strong anymore they would allow me to be weak. Everyone asks me if Im OK. Yeah Im OK. Im OK. Im OK. If I say it enough will it be true? Its not wrong, Im not lying from a certain point of view. Im in a taxi making my way to the airport. My flight hasnt been cancelled. Im not going to hurt myself, nothing like that. Im going to cry. Im going to miss my wife, Im going to be in a place I dont know and just have to make it home. My family keeps asking me if Im sure I want to return to my home. I can stay with them instead, I can avoid it if its too hard. I know I need to do it and made up my mind a LONG time ago that this is what I would do. I would return to my home and begin the process of making our home a place that is my home. For now though, its a taxi ride to the airport. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. The arduous task of redefining my entire life is a lot less scary when I just do things one step at a time.

Two Hours

My flight home is confirmed. Now I just have to sit and wait. I make sure to grab something to eat. Im not really hungry but I know I need to eat. I snag an entire roll of toilet paper from a bathroom so I have something to wipe up my tears and snot and all that lovely stuff. I find some comfort in people watching. Yes, my entire world has changed... but there is so much out there. So many experiences, so many people just heading around and out and about. I sit down and start up a game on my Switch... Wonderboy 3: The Dragons Trap. It transports me back to being 7 or 8 years old, my only worry being which breakfast cereal Im going to eat today, and what my friends and I were gonna do once school was out. Its comforting and I know right now I just need comfort, escapism. I listen to others around me flying stand-by, their flights cancelled earlier in the day. So many experiences. I dont want to be rude so I stop living vicariously through a stranger and turn back to my Switch, trying not to focus on what happened just hours ago.

As I go through security a bit later they pull me aside and ask about Lindsays bag and if there are liquids in it. I remember clumsily blurting out that maybe there are from some over-the-counter meds but they can take whatever they need out of there since my wife passed away earlier in the day and Im just trying to make it home. They exchange a look and apologize for the inconvenience and hand her bag back to me. These were the first people not intimately in the know about the situation that I muttered those words to. I really hope every other stranger I need to pass this information to are wiling to be this understanding. Kindness is so easy to do and I wish we all did it better, myself included. Its something my wife was great about and it will be something I take with me forever.

Four Hours

In a flight jam-packed with people and with stories I heard from others who were riding stand-by... the seat beside me is the only one that is empty. Im not a religious man, nor am I even spiritual... but in that moment I smile and thank my wife for giving me some peace and quiet for this flight home. Im not normally one for quiet solitude, but on a packed flight home right after my wife died? Yeah, let me have my space unless youre someone I love who wants to give me a hug.

Seven Hours

My bed is so much bigger when Im the only one in it. Im going to force myself to use the entire bed though. I need to. My wife is gone and the more I experience that the more OK I will be.

*****************************************

Sorry for your loss, TC. It must have been a very difficult experience to go through, doubly so for your wife. Out of morbid curiosity, what did the doctors do to help her pass on? Was it some medication injected through an IV? If this is too personal an inquiry and you don't feel comfortable answering, I completely understand.

GATTJT posted...

Sorry for your loss, TC. It must have been a very difficult experience to go through, doubly so for your wife. Out of morbid curiosity, what did the doctors do to help her pass on? Was it some medication injected through an IV? If this is too personal an inquiry and you don't feel comfortable answering, I completely understand.

Just in case you weren't aware, the previous topic on this subject is still on the board and has a lot of answers to those kinds of questions, if you want to catch yourself up on the goings-on. Jeff has been extremely open and informative in the entire process.

Being a caregiver to a terminally ill family member is a huge part of my identity too, so I can relate to some of the basic feelings. But I can't even comprehend how much that's weighed on you, and still does.

How much time did you spend talking with lawyers? Was that mostly to help get it to go through, or did she decide to use her story to help push MAID laws? I understand either choice, I'm just curious.

Can I ask about the process during the last 5 minutes? That photo is fascinating to me. Like what medication was used?

GATTJT posted...

Sorry for your loss, TC. It must have been a very difficult experience to go through, doubly so for your wife. Out of morbid curiosity, what did the doctors do to help her pass on? Was it some medication injected through an IV? If this is too personal an inquiry and you don't feel comfortable answering, I completely understand.

It's all done through IV. So the first thing they do is give you a med that makes you fall asleep. Something like if you were going to get a colonoscopy or something like that. My wife snored quite loudly after getting that med. The doctor was quick to be like, "That's normal! It's all very normal" and we kinda laughed together about it. After that they give you just a boat-load of muscle relaxing medication. Enough so that your muscles stop working... like the heart and lungs.

She fell asleep and never had to wake up again.

DarkChozoGhost posted...

Being a caregiver to a terminally ill family member is a huge part of my identity too, so I can relate to some of the basic feelings. But I can't even comprehend how much that's weighed on you, and still does.

How much time did you spend talking with lawyers? Was that mostly to help get it to go through, or did she decide to use her story to help push MAID laws? I understand either choice, I'm just curious.

MAID doesn't require lawyers or anything like that, so we didn't need to lawyer up. The law itself was kinda designed initially for Cancer patients and other medical conditions where death was "foreseeable". I think maybe in like May of 2022 that part of the law was changed so that your physical diagnoses did not HAVE to include something that had foreseeable death. If doctors agreed that what you were living through was sorta cruel and unusual.

When we were initially denied in Saskatchewan, we could have tried to lawyer up for the right to die, but when we contacted Dying with Dignity they told us to try the doctor in BC first as she was known to really help out those with difficult cases.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

It's all done through IV. So the first thing they do is give you a med that makes you fall asleep. Something like if you were going to get a colonoscopy or something like that. My wife snored quite loudly after getting that med. The doctor was quick to be like, "That's normal! It's all very normal" and we kinda laughed together about it. After that they give you just a boat-load of muscle relaxing medication. Enough so that your muscles stop working... like the heart and lungs.

She fell asleep and never had to wake up again.

Fascinating in a dark way. And you watched it all happen? I can't imagine the whirlwind of emotions I would go through.

Sorry for your loss

Jeff I read post 500. We had the same coversation. I'm Athiest, she was AoG. She had some self doubt about the after. I knew it scared her knowing it was near. I also knew she might see loved ones including our mutual friend. I think she would be happy to see everyone. She worried about me till the very end and how I would take it. I like you are in a good place mentally I believe. I think your wife would be proud of you.

Just an awful thing and I'm sorry you have to experience it.

You are a very strong man rip, that last picture is so crazy she seems so healthy and lively.

GATTJT posted...

Fascinating in a dark way. And you watched it all happen? I can't imagine the whirlwind of emotions I would go through.

Yeah, I was there the whole time. We cried together in the moments before she passed. They gave us the room we were in to have a final few moments together. As she always did, she apologized to me and said she wished she could have given me more. I told her she was being silly and that she gave me more than anyone could have ever asked me.

I remember the final words I said to her and I don't think I will ever forget it. I told her that had I known 12 years ago that this is how our journey together would end and all that would happen to get us there... I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I thanked her for being my wife, I thanked her for fighting so hard literally for me. I know that she did it for me and nobody else. I told her I loved her and that I hope whatever is next in this crazy universe of energy that it is everything she has ever deserved.

I held her hand until the doctor confirmed that she was gone.

Sorry for your loss. It's not easy to lose a loved one, and after having to deal with that twice the past couple years, I'd like to share a joke that my uncle used to tell me that I remember fondly, as he was a guy who never took life too seriously, even when he was suffering. He would never let anyone know that he was sick. He would sit me on his lap when I was like 10 and say "There are three kinds of turds in this world. Custard, Mustard, and you." (keep in mind this was only directed at me, and our family doesn't really take things seriously, and we have a dark sense of humor in private). Replace the spelling for the obvious spelling. He passed in January. Interestingly enough, he got his family all in for one last Christmas, and the moment they left, turned to his wife and said to her "I think I'm ready to be put into Hospice Care". He was brought there, and that very same night he passed away from full organ failure. We thought he would be gone in a few days, not as soon as it happened.

Luckily she seems to be doing really well. She keeps busy, which seems to be her coping mechanism. I hope you take some time to grieve, and then find your coping mechanism. Whatever that may be.

Stay well friend.

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One Week

I have now been a widow for one week. How are you doing? Its the main question I get asked now and I dont honestly know how to really answer. What do you compare it to? Ive never lost anyone super close to me, not really. Ive had a friend commit suicide and though we were close, we were not best friends or anything like that. Not how it was with my wife. Beyond being my partner she was my best friend. I lost both. Im not crying as much, am I doing better? I can sleep, eat, take care of myself. Does that mean I am doing better than one might expect?

Its the quiet that gets to me, what I took for granted. Ive always been a social person. I like having that other human being beside me. As a child I had my little sister play in the same room while I played video games. I cherish experiencing life with another, and that is now gone. Not on a macro level, but in my home. The place where I felt the most comfortable, confident, and loved is now just a memory of those things. I suppose it will improve as the days and weeks turn into months. At least I hope so. Right now it just feels so quiet, so still. We werent the type of people to go out to parties or anything like that, but within our space was an energy, you know? My wife was trapped in a broken body but together we filled this space with so much energy. I didnt realize how much of my energy was generated in response to hers. Yin and Yang or however you want to phrase it, Im missing half of my energy.

I fill the void with YouTube, TV shows, video games, movies... all the same things I would have done with her sharing in it all with me as we shared our lives. Is it wrong for me to fear I will never find that again? Beyond the pain and grief of missing your lover and best friend, there is this intense fear that you will never find anything even close to that again. It can cripple you if you let it. My wife wanted me to find it again and the logical side of me knows I will, but what if? Is it disrespectful to want to fill this void quickly? To find someone else to love and put all my efforts into being a duo against the world?

There are other people in my world I care about deeply... and I worry that if I express to them how much I care they will rebuke me for not taking enough time. I will miss my wife forever. Absolutely forever. That doesnt negate my ability to find joy and love in another. Ive loved before my wife and I will after my wife.

I keep finding documents in regards to my wifes medical. While living it every day it didnt really hit me how sick she was. I have an entire ream of paper that is all to do with medical diagnoses, appointments, payments, results, testing. She was so sick and struggled for so long just for me. Im glad that she did so and allowed me to spend so much time with my best friend. It was the greatest sign of selflessness Ive ever been given. For someone else to live in pain for you? I sure hope that I earned that selflessness. That I was worthy of that kind of love. She certainly didnt seem to think she earned that kind of love from me... she was always questioning how I could stay with her. How I could put all my money and time, all my energy, into a failing person? That was just as much her own childhood trauma as it was anything else. My wife led a life that was filled with pain of many kinds, and just when she found a person who would accept her unconditionally forever, her body starts to fail.

So going back to the question; How am I? Im a 39 year old widow and Im scared. Thats how I am right now. I know Im not alone; I have an amazing support system around me. A wonderful family, amazing friends. But Im scared. Is that OK Lindsay? Can I be scared? Please tell me thats OK.

9 Days

I met with Jodi today, the only other person in existence who knows Lindsay and I both as individuals and as a couple. Lindsay didnt let a lot of people into her world as she expected people to let her down, to toss her aside. We spent 11 years together daily and to the very last day she expected me to turn around one day and leave her behind. Jodi knew her even longer than I did. The very injury that she sustained that had her sit in the back of the class with me, she went to Jodi to start rehabbing. To say that she knows us as a couple and as individuals, I mean it.

She hugged me as I entered the door, which was necessary. Beyond our home there were very few safe places that were OUR place, and Jodis was one of those places. As I left the home to go to a safe place, a place of healing and unconditional support and friendship, how much this relationship means to me is beyond words.

We spoke about healing, about loss and grief and how that looks. As a medical practitioner she has seen her fair share so I know it isnt platitudes. She told me how strong I am and have always been, to be the constant support, in every way, to a disabled partner, and then to a dying partner. I logically know these things, I really do... but Jodi telling me these things just means the world to me. Again, she has seen it all. She has seen people having to back away from the burden, and not even in a negative way as much as just its a reality how much someone can take. No judgment, nothing like that.

She told me she has never seen something like what we had. The physical, mental, spiritual toll that Lindsay overcome day after day and my endurance and strength to be the person she needed me to be, day after day. In moments when I am overcome with grief and sorrow, knowing how strong a person I have been and can be will really help me to feel those feelings I need to feel without being overcome.

We talked about signs. Im not a religious person, or even so-much of a spiritual person. On the plane ride home from Vancouver, on a flight absolutely jam packed full, with multiple people waiting from previous cancelled flights, the seat beside me was the only one left empty. Im still not a spiritual person, but maybe that was Lindsays sign that she was fine, and that I would be fine with that seat that had been perpetually filled beside me the last 12 years being empty. While Jodi worked with me, I received e-mail confirmation that my wifes remains were sent on their way from Vancouver to Saskatoon. While Jodi worked on me, the same place that I plan to spread her ashes.

Signs.

Lindsay wanted us both to know that she was all good and ready to take her new place at our sides.

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Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Yeah, I was there the whole time. We cried together in the moments before she passed. They gave us the room we were in to have a final few moments together. As she always did, she apologized to me and said she wished she could have given me more. I told her she was being silly and that she gave me more than anyone could have ever asked me.

I remember the final words I said to her and I don't think I will ever forget it. I told her that had I known 12 years ago that this is how our journey together would end and all that would happen to get us there... I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I thanked her for being my wife, I thanked her for fighting so hard literally for me. I know that she did it for me and nobody else. I told her I loved her and that I hope whatever is next in this crazy universe of energy that it is everything she has ever deserved.

I held her hand until the doctor confirmed that she was gone.

This may have been the most touching thing ive read

psvitantifail posted...

You are a very strong man rip, that last picture is so crazy she seems so healthy and lively.

Invisible disability/illness is such a horrible thing to have to deal with. Even doctors would just assume everything must be fine and that her major problem was mental health because she was young and "looked fine". She suffered with endometriosis as we began dating. She had to go to 6 different gynecologists before one figured out that was the problem and did a surgery to help her.

All because she "looked fine".

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/5/6/AAABltAAEuSM.jpg

This was us on our first real date. Gosh, nearly 12 years ago. At that point we thought maybe she had Celiac Disease which maybe made some of her food allergies make more sense? Little did we know at the time that was when MCAS was starting to just begin its terrible reign of terror.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/9/8/AAABltAAEtBm.jpg

We went to my 10 year high school reunion together. Look at that gorgeous woman; totally out of my league. Here's a lesson to ya... nobody is truly out of your league. If you love each other and you make each other happy, it doesn't matter. I ended up becoming over 400 pounds while we were together (my coping strategy without realizing it for my entire adult life was fucking eating) and she had every right to just kick me to the curb if she wanted. Instead I realized I needed to make a change and she was super supportive.

Rest In Peace I cannot imagine this situation it breaks my heart. What a hand to be dealt. You are a strong man.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Invisible disability/illness is such a horrible thing to have to deal with. Even doctors would just assume everything must be fine and that her major problem was mental health because she was young and "looked fine". She suffered with endometriosis as we began dating. She had to go to 6 different gynecologists before one figured out that was the problem and did a surgery to help her.

All because she "looked fine".

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/1/5/6/AAABltAAEuSM.jpg

This was us on our first real date. Gosh, nearly 12 years ago. At that point we thought maybe she had Celiac Disease which maybe made some of her food allergies make more sense? Little did we know at the time that was when MCAS was starting to just begin its terrible reign of terror.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/9/8/AAABltAAEtBm.jpg

We went to my 10 year high school reunion together. Look at that gorgeous woman; totally out of my league. Here's a lesson to ya... nobody is truly out of your league. If you love each other and you make each other happy, it doesn't matter. I ended up becoming over 400 pounds while we were together (my coping strategy without realizing it for my entire adult life was fucking eating) and she had every right to just kick me to the curb if she wanted. Instead I realized I needed to make a change and she was super supportive.

She's gorgeous mate I'm sorry man stay strong

RIP.
My condolences, TC.

Was avoiding the last two topics because i can't handle the story, and surely this news broke my heart.

Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey with everyone here. This really is a fascinating and heartbreaking story, and to share your thoughts and emotions so candidly is very brave in my eyes.

I'm also willing to share something my wife said about me in her memoires/autobiography. She worked on it for quite awhile when she realized she would be dying early. Partly as a means to just work on herself, but then also to say some things she wanted to make sure were said. I told her I would only read it after she passed away, because while we were together I wanted to focus on that and not the past. These words mean a lot to me.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

One of my fears is not being able to say goodbye to Jeff. I am worried one day that I will be unable to talk, breathe, or move in the end. I am worried I wont say what needs to be said to him- especially for some closure. I would want him to know that I always loved him, his smile, his personality, and who he was. He is the one person who I have truly loved, who has loved me, and has stuck by me through thick and thin. He has always been incredibly understanding as to what/who I am. I told him in the beginning that I had medical issues, but I never knew that things would get so bad for me medically. If I did, I wouldnt have put him through the hell he has had to face: Seeing me hooked up to IVs, being placed on oxygen, crying at all hours, becoming violently ill during the night, etc. Even if I was this bad in the beginning, I am sure he would have stayed by me anyway because thats the kind of guy he is. I think about the first day we spoke, all of the time. I remember how excited I was to speak to him. His smile was so warm. He was like me in the sense that he said things like they were, but more tactfully than I would. I have always appreciated his honesty about how things were/are. He has so much potential career-wise and in life. I know he says he is lazy, but I know he can accomplish great things. I always teased him that I would be scared if he put all of his effort into something. Even during school, when I gave it my all, he ran neck and neck with me during a time he claimed to not really try. His verbal skills alone make him a contender in any field. He was always truthful. I truly respect him. I need him to know these things. Even if I am gone, I dont want him to lose hope and to waste his talents. I believe he can change the world for the better. I know he has this ability because he has affected so many people even if he wont acknowledge it. He reminds me of Sebastian and Geanine in the sense that everyone loved them. Everyone wanted to be near them. Everyone would hang on their every word. Jeff is that person. Men and women love him. Even in the beginning, which I told him, I knew a girl that was interested in Jeff. Yet he couldnt see that anyone would be interested in him. I know people in Jeffs past made him feel like he wasnt worthwhile, but he didnt have the right people in his life. All of the people currently in his life love him. They know a good thing when they see it. Corinne was right when she told Jeff that someone would find him and love him for who he was. I think this pertains to all of his friends, not just me. I am glad that he was able to accept that people love him and appreciate him. I am glad I had the opportunity to take up most of his time not meaning in the caretaker role. I know tons of people who would fight for a piece of his time because his personality is so contagious. I am sure he would contest me on these issues, but I know they are true. If I am gone, I dont want him to close up again. These people that are now established in his life are reminders that he is a great person, and they will be there for him. I know Jeff and I spoke about it in passing awhile ago, but I thought I would bring it up again - that I want him to be happy. If he finds someone else, I will be okay it as long as she treats him well. He knows I would not want him to settle. I always told him that the right person will make him love again because that's what he did for me.

I was avoiding the other topics, because I didn't want to see this choice be made. Of course, I didn't want her to continue suffering, but I can't imagine what the two of you went through.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but yeah,vst least she's at peace now. And hopefully you can find some too, if you haven't already.

I've been following and try to only lightly participate but you look like a great couple in your pictures.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Invisible disability/illness is such a horrible thing to have to deal with.

It really is. Thanks for saying it. I know so many people with one thing or another, mild compared to this but it's not like it's a competition.

Oh you managed to get someone to perform the procedure? I'm glad for you that this hardship is over, I know it was rough watching your wife have her personal wishes declined.

My condolences.

It may not always feel like it and you may falter sometimes, but the two of you displayed strength that I think many would find enviable, and I think that on at least some level her strength lives on in you. Try not to be any harder on yourself than she would have been.

condolences bro

I've been following your threads. I'm happy she finally was approved for MAID.

Sorry for your loss, but I'm sure you being there with her in her final moments was the best thing for her.

You are a stronger person than I.

Man, reading this made me start to tear up.

RIP, I'd give you a hug if I met you personally

Damn dude I'm sorry for your loss. Being married, this has hit home harder than ever. I hope you find the strength and peace you need in life.

I thought about posting this in the last topic, but couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew how it would come across. I don't think there's any good way to phrase what I want to say. But when you posted that picture, my first thought was, "That doesn't look like someone who's ready to die".

I think that really speaks to the grace and strength she had. Even though she was suffering that badly, even though she was knowingly that close to her final moments, she was still able to smile and laugh. Or maybe you have the right of it here, she could smile like that because all her pain was almost over. You'd know better than me, anyway.

Your story has been, admittedly, a source of morbid curiosity and sympathy for me. I've gotten emotional just reading bits and pieces here and there, and I'm a complete stranger. I couldn't begin to understand the depth of emotion you're going through. I definitely think you've done an absolutely incredible job carrying on. You've been way more functional than I ever would've been, were I in your position. There's no question she'd be proud of you.

I'll keep following this topic, because I'm eager to hear what kind of happiness awaits you beyond this. A different happiness, a new chapter in your life, not a replacement to fill some kind of void. Because what she left wasn't a void, not really. As cheesy as it is to say, even if she isn't around anymore, she'll always exist in your heart. But, then, I guess you don't need someone else to tell you that, do you?

I'm so sorry for your loss and you have my deepest condolences.

You're a good person Jeff, condolences.

I shouldn't have read this at work my eyes are red and watery now. I am so so sorry this happened to her. She was a beautiful woman who didn't deserve the hand she was dealt. I sympathize greatly with you.

My condolences man.

Sorry for your loss.

Holy shit that is so heavy dude. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. But I'm glad she found peace. Fucking I'm tearing up at work. Best wishes Jeff