Current Events > My wife continues her journey towards MAID (Medical assistance in death)

(+) Yeah! (+)

My wife wrote an autobiography of sorts. She worked on it consistently knowing that she would die early, and I think wanting to leave a record of her own personal journey. Living as someone with many health problems, many "invisible health problems" has led her to have a really horrible experience with a lot of... well, the world in general.

She often asked me if I wanted to read it and I always told her that I feel I would appreciate reading it when the story is done, not in the middle. She always kinda gave me an eyeroll with that answer, but it's true.

It's about 135 pages. I will read it all. I skipped to the end and she wrote some truly wonderful things about me which is kinda hard to read right now. Makes me miss her so much more. It's all things she's told me before and whatnot, but it just kinda hits hard. I am gonna copy and paste it in here just because I dunno, all of you have been with us for this journey since the end of September.

This is what my wife wrote towards the end of her autobiography.

"One of my fears is not being able to say goodbye to Jeff. I am worried one day that I will be unable to talk, breathe, or move in the end. I am worried I wont say what needs to be said to him- especially for some closure. I would want him to know that I always loved him, his smile, his personality, and who he was. He is the one person who I have truly loved, who has loved me, and has stuck by me through thick and thin. He has always been incredibly understanding as to what/who I am. I told him in the beginning that I had medical issues, but I never knew that things would get so bad for me medically. If I did, I wouldnt have put him through the hell he has had to face: Seeing me hooked up to IVs, being placed on oxygen, crying at all hours, becoming violently ill during the night, etc. Even if I was this bad in the beginning, I am sure he would have stayed by me anyway because thats the kind of guy he is. I think about the first day we spoke, all of the time. I remember how excited I was to speak to him. His smile was so warm. He was like me in the sense that he said things like they were, but more tactfully than I would. I have always appreciated his honesty about how things were/are. He has so much potential career-wise and in life. I know he says he is lazy, but I know he can accomplish great things. I always teased him that I would be scared if he put all of his effort into something. Even during school, when I gave it my all, he ran neck and neck with me during a time he claimed to not really try. His verbal skills alone make him a contender in any field. He was always truthful. I truly respect him. I need him to know these things. Even if I am gone, I dont want him to lose hope and to waste his talents. I believe he can change the world for the better. I know he has this ability because he has affected so many people even if he wont acknowledge it. He reminds me of Sebastian and Geanine (her grandfather and childhood best friend) in the sense that everyone loved them. Everyone wanted to be near them. Everyone would hang on their every word. Jeff is that person. Men and women love him. Even in the beginning, which I told him, I knew a girl that was interested in Jeff. Yet he couldnt see that anyone would be interested in him. I know people in Jeffs past made him feel like he wasnt worthwhile, but he didnt have the right people in his life. All of the people currently in his life love him. They know a good thing when they see it. Corinne (my sister) was right when she told Jeff that someone would find him and love him for who he was. I think this pertains to all of his friends, not just me. I am glad that he was able to accept that people love him and appreciate him. I am glad I had the opportunity to take up most of his time not meaning in the caretaker role. I know tons of people who would fight for a piece of his time because his personality is so contagious. I am sure he would contest me on these issues, but I know they are true. If I am gone, I dont want him to close up again. These people that are now established in his life are reminders that he is a great person, and they will be there for him. I know Jeff and I spoke about it in passing awhile ago, but I thought I would bring it up again - that I want him to be happy. If he finds someone else, I will be okay it as long as she treats him well. He knows I would not want him to settle. I always told him that the right person will make him love again because that's what he did for me."

Thank you for sharing that.

That's a beautiful passage. She truly loved you.

Wow, what truly great, kind words she had. I know I don't know you that well, but what she wrote sounds true based on what I have seen from you. You seem like one of the best people here - kind and truly good, as well as interesting and charming in that type of insufferable nerdy way :)

I kinda jump back and forth between just wanting to do all the stuff I would normally do if my wife were here or doing something completely different. Do I keep a routine I'm comfortable with or mark a new time in my life with something fresh?

My parents and my older sister will be back in the city today so I'm sure they will take care of me.

You do what you feel like doing, treat yourself, find comfort, be at peace in the best way you can. Don't hold yourself back from doing what makes you feel better. As long as it's not, like, a bunch of drugs. Don't do that.

Nah, my negative coping strategies have never been recreational drugs or alcohol or anything like that.

I'm 330 pounds for a reason though.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm 330 pounds for a reason though.

Boy, I sure do know that feeling lol

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Nah, my negative coping strategies have never been recreational drugs or alcohol or anything like that.

I'm 330 pounds for a reason though.

Hey at least you aren't an asshole to people online. Idk which is less healthy >.>

DarthDemented posted...

Like his wife, my wife always wanted me to move on with someone else if she passed while we were still young. We had no idea she actually would. TC at least knew it was coming and got to say goodbye. My wife was just sudden and actually kinda traumatizing for me. Even though I got counseling that night still affects me. Yeah I can go into her room and play some video games on my kids TV but I don't think I would want to ever make it my bedroom since that's where it all went down

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Yeah I can't really imagine that DD. It sucked for my wife that we had to travel out of province to have it done, but having it happen elsewhere allows my home to not be intrinsically linked to that moment. My home is filled with wonderful memories of her, not that last moment.

I'm happy I snapped that picture of her smiling and laughing right before too.

We have a lot of similar experiences for sure, but how we got there was very different.

My daughter passed away in week 35 of my wife's pregnancy. She would have just turned 15 last month.

To both of you DD and Jeff just remember that grief is a process, and no one can tell you how you navigate that process. I do however highly recommend support groups or therapy when you're ready, as just talking through your feelings is very healing and helpful. I started going to sessions with a group called Sharing Parents, an infant loss support group. Then I ended up volunteering with them for about 10 years to help counsel others through the same loss.

Both of you take care.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Nah, my negative coping strategies have never been recreational drugs or alcohol or anything like that.

I'm 330 pounds for a reason though.

Another thing I found helpful was walking. Just going out, starting to walk on autopilot, and thinking through everything that was jumbling up my brain. It was almost like I was discarding the bad feelings from the thoughts through my physical activity, shedding them like sweat coming out through my pores.

Yeah I just went for a walk now.

My parents and my older sister are back in town. My parents are moving here and downsizing so they are giving me a nice leather couch. The couch we (I guess now I) had was breaking apart but we were concerned about buying another one in case my wife had allergies to it.

@mybbqrules my loss was two years ago. There's still some difficult times but I'm getting on with life and beind dad to my 13 year old and just doing things that make me happy.

DarthDemented posted...

@mybbqrules my loss was two years ago. There's still some difficult times but I'm getting on with life and beind dad to my 13 year old and just doing things that make me happy.

I'm glad to hear that things are getting a bit better.

This topic has been incredibly cathartic and the support has been wonderful.

I haven't worn my wedding band since Monday. Don't know what I am going to do with it, if I will ever wear it again or maybe put it on a chain? I dunno.

Nobody can teach you how to be a widow I guess.

You must have taken it off for a reason. Go with your feelings.

My older sister and my parents came by to grab my old beat up couch and drop off a nicer leather one. I just kinda wept in my older sisters arms. It was the first time I've seen any family (my younger sister has been really busy and my older brother is traveling) so it was just so nice.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I haven't worn my wedding band since Monday. Don't know what I am going to do with it, if I will ever wear it again or maybe put it on a chain? I dunno.

Nobody can teach you how to be a widow I guess.

No they can't honestly. Sucks, doesn't it?

My ex-FIL? Is that right? Still haven't figured out what to call the in-laws in two years . Anyway he passed on Monday SIL got ahold of me to see if I had the family album for that side. I don't but I did find my wedding album. Think I'll look through it tonight.

My wife and I never did the actual wedding. We had one planned but then 2 weeks before we had to go out of the city and my wife had to get a pacemaker (a failed attempt at a heart ablation for SVT) and we arrived home like 4 days before what would have been the wedding.

We just decided not to worry about a wedding.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/6/4/AAABltAAErEE.jpg

Still have some of these wedding favors left. How poignant.

The picture that always cracks me up is the sister in law. They were doing nails and she couldn't open soda. The pose for the picture makes it look like she's sad over her boobs

Lots of memories.

It's weird to think of all the things you have to do when your spouse passes away. I made an account with my city utilities so I can see those and make payments. I contacted my own health plan to see if I qualify for any Survivor benefits.

I will need to change my emergency contact for literally everywhere since any place that required it, my wife would be on there.

We have a laptop and my wife's Facebook account is still open on it. I'm trying to think of when I post using her account about her passing away.

https://youtu.be/wVyggTKDcOE

... fuck you James Blunt. T_T

What a story. My heart goes out to you mate

I've told my work I'm taking next week off too.

Beyond the practical stuff, like how I won't have a death certificate until next week and I need that to get a lot of "the work" done... I haven't lived on my own for 12 years or so. Beyond all the work, time with family and friends, I need time to get comfortable with just living as myself, for myself. And a whirlwind week where I'm still trying to just comprehend/process what has happened just isn't enough.

I'm one of the supervisors for some residential programming designed for at-risk teenagers and young adults. Very ahead of the curve on the power dynamic and whatnot. Some of "my kiddos" as I call them have been asking about me because, in their words, "He doesn't take time off, and you said he isn't on vacation. Is he OK? I miss him and I'm worried"

I gave my fellow supervisors the OK to be honest with the youth as to what I'm working through.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I've told my work I'm taking next week off too.

Beyond the practical stuff, like how I won't have a death certificate until next week and I need that to get a lot of "the work" done... I haven't lived on my own for 12 years or so. Beyond all the work, time with family and friends, I need time to get comfortable with just living as myself, for myself. And a whirlwind week where I'm still trying to just comprehend/process what has happened just isn't enough.

I'm one of the supervisors for some residential programming designed for at-risk teenagers and young adults. Very ahead of the curve on the power dynamic and whatnot. Some of "my kiddos" as I call them have been asking about me because, in their words, "He doesn't take time off, and you said he isn't on vacation. Is he OK? I miss him and I'm worried"

I gave my fellow supervisors the OK to be honest with the youth as to what I'm working through.

I took two weeks off to for the same thing. My work was trying to get me to come back and I hadn't even had her funeral yet. As far as when to post on her Facebook I pretty much did it immediately. Figured her friends and family needed to know. I don't know how many friends and family were in the loop but I'm sure an obituary or funeral announcement is the last place the ones who weren't would want to learn it.

Im sorry about this. I wish she'd done different so that you wouldn't be left with this suffering. But if you agreed to it than so be it.

Toonstrack posted...

Im sorry about this. I wish she'd done different so that you wouldn't be left with this suffering. But if you agreed to it than so be it.

It is sad. But I kinda respect it. I do feel in America, humans have less end of life rights than our pets. We take our pets to be put down when their quality of life is no longer there. But humans (in america) don't have that right. We are expected to just slowly die

Zikten posted...

It is sad. But I kinda respect it. I do feel in America, humans have less end of life rights than our pets. We take our pets to be put down when their quality of life is no longer there. But humans (in america) don't have that right. We are expected to just slowly die

Were talking about people. Thinking snd cognizant people. Animals have no agency to that extent, and pets in particular are domesticated. They generally have little ability to feed themselves, bathe themselves or house themselves. So when they are dying its up to a caretaker to handle that same with a person who is no longer in control of themselves.

End of life rights is a complex issue im not really qualified to discuss, im simply saying that ops wife even if she was suffering and made this decision, has caused him a very significant amount of pain, and I hope she wss aware if that at the time and they discussed it. Ots not what I would've done, but I respect her and Ops choice.

What I would really want you to think about Toonstrack in regards to end of life rights, and anyone else who is partaking in this topic (even just lurking) would be this fundamental idea.

When someone lives daily with pain, a pain that cannot be quantified or "dealt with" in a way that is acceptable to that person, does a thinking and cognizant person not have the right to say they no longer want to live with that pain? If we are to respect the ability for a human being to think and feel and really come to terms with what is the best for them, end of life rights have to be placed with that individual.

Obviously safe guards exist; my wife was denied her first attempt at getting MAID due to these safeguards. She was ultimately made to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that not only was she cognizant of her choice, but also that the medical science backed up that she had tried every reasonable thing to try to treat herself. She forced herself to live in pain and anguish for years as she tried everything reasonable that doctors could come up with.

Pain at the death of another person is inevitable. Whether that grief is for the person who has passed away or those who remain after they are gone... pain happens. The pain that I feel is proof of the profound love I have for that amazing woman. What is grief if not love persevering?

Nobody in this world should have to live in pain just to try to avoid the grief their passing will give those left behind, for if those in grief truly loved that person, they would be happy their loved one no longer lives in pain. I want to make it perfectly clear that the intense grief that I feel is more than tempered by the fact that this woman I love fiercely no longer has to be in pain. She doesn't have to go to the hospital, go do another test, take another 15 pills a day just to eek out another day to do the same or worse.

My wife no longer lives in pain. I am so very thankful to those doctors who have allowed her to not have to deal with pain. Did you see the picture I posted? 5 minutes before she passed away she had the most amazing smile... she was truly at peace. To ask anything more of her would have been pure selfishness on my part... asking her to live in pain just to be in more pain.

Respecting that we are a cognizant species means that we must be understanding of when a person has told us enough is enough... and when it is appropriate to help them no longer live in pain.

Toonstrack posted...

Im sorry about this. I wish she'd done different so that you wouldn't be left with this suffering. But if you agreed to it than so be it.

Really dude? This isnt the topic for this argument anymore. Read the fucking room.

Holy crap man you are a legend and wonderful. And she was a brave, strong lady who should be honored. God, I just don't know what more to say other than I wish you nothing but the best and for her to rest in paradise. You are stronger than even you know and she was too. God Bless the both of you.

I am surprised there isn't more pushback against this both irl and on the internet from pro-life types tbf.

kurdt032 posted...

I am surprised there isn't more pushback against this both irl and on the internet from pro-life types tbf.

TC is in Canada. I'm pretty sure it's illegal in the US though. Because of Republicans and Christians.

Zikten posted...

TC is in Canada. I'm pretty sure it's illegal in the US though. Because of Republicans and Christians.

Illegal here in the UK as well.

Zikten posted...

TC is in Canada. I'm pretty sure it's illegal in the US though. Because of Republicans and Christians.

There's a few states where you can do it, but it's illegal in most of the US.

spikethedevil posted...

Really dude? This isnt the topic for this argument anymore. Read the fucking room.

Seriously... it's also like he didn't bother to read the posts either

I know we don't know each other, but I've been reading your topics for a while now and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for the loss TC. :(

My sincere condolences

Since he can't currently access CE, goatthief has asked me to send his condolences.

My condolences, very sorry for your loss TC.

I have been following your topic from time to time. I actually got some tears in my eyes reading everything since last I came to this thread. I am happy and sad for you at the same time. You are an amazing person TC and a great inspiration to me. You never left her side, specially when she needed you the most. You have my condolences.

Called our landlady to tell her to have my wife removed from the lease. Landlady was away so I left a message. It was my first time telling the news to non-family/friends.

I just got caught up with this topic too. I'm a little teary eyed at work now. I'm so sorry about your loss, TC. I'm glad your wife finally got her wish, though.

Hang in there TC. You're amazing and I wish you the best.