Current Events > My wife continues her journey towards MAID (Medical assistance in death)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Watching anime for the first time since my wife passed. She was very passionate about anime and as her physical body continued to break down it was something that she could enjoy.

I highly recommend the movie Your Name if you havent watched it already.

KingThing posted...

If you knew from the beginning what you were in for, would you do it all over again?

This was one of the final things I told her. As we sat in that recliner sofa and just held each other, I said to her, "Honey, if I knew 12 years ago this is how our journey together would end, I would do it again in a heartbeat."

She cried and said that she loved me and couldn't understand how anyone could do that for her.

Had I known that is how our journey would play out, I would have done it all the same. The happiness and joy that my wife gave me outweighs the struggles that took place. I can also say I couldn't imagine that wonderful woman having to go through all that alone, or with someone with less strength than myself.

When speaking with Jodi, our physiotherapist, she really impressed upon me that people don't do what I do. She's worked with literally thousands of patients, through some pretty bad shit. She's seen partnerships fade away due to the hardship of being a caregiver.

She said people don't just do what I did. I put everything on hold for my wife. I changed my entire life. I changed my diet, I changed how I clean, I changed how I interact with the world. I utterly devoted myself not just to my wife, but the way in which she and her partner HAD to live. I chose that because I love her and it's what she needed from me.

So yeah, if I knew exactly how it would go, I would have done it again in a heartbeat.

That got me tearing up.

I did the same for my wife when her RA got bad enough that she couldn't walk. Anyone else would've ran but I stayed. I figured that if by some bizarre chance she died young then I wouldn't want her to die thinking that I didn't love her.

This whole topic feels like it's about as psychologically healthy as it could possibly be. It's obviously an incredibly difficult experience to go through and being as firm and understanding in your justifications to go through it together doesn't prevent that.

I'm glad to see you still dropping thoughts in here and riding that healthy line to the future: Remembering her and what your relationship meant for each other's lives, and also looking ahead with social activities with your friends, keeping those other connections and some positive experiences in life.
Keep it up!

I went back to work today.

I do kinda worry a bit about the outpouring of emotion and support and how that will impact me. Not at all in a negative way but just having everyone you come across give you a hug and tell you how sorry they are and all that. I'm an emotional guy and it will be an overwhelming few days for sure.

Worried is not the right word. Emotionally exhausted just thinking about it? Lol, something like that? I'm used to being the caregiver, the one PROVIDING the support. It can be potentially overwhelming to be on the other end.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I went back to work today.

I do kinda worry a bit about the outpouring of emotion and support and how that will impact me. Not at all in a negative way but just having everyone you come across give you a hug and tell you how sorry they are and all that. I'm an emotional guy and it will be an overwhelming few days for sure.

Worried is not the right word. Emotionally exhausted just thinking about it? Lol, something like that? I'm used to being the caregiver, the one PROVIDING the support. It can be potentially overwhelming to be on the other end.

Yeah in sure that's going to be rough. People are coming to you with good intent but it's probably going to be overwhelming and some people may not know how to express themselves in a good manner. It was always going to be hard to take that step but you are taking it.

DarthDemented posted...

I did the same for my wife when her RA got bad enough that she couldn't walk. Anyone else would've ran but I stayed. I figured that if by some bizarre chance she died young then I wouldn't want her to die thinking that I didn't love her.

I'm having trouble grasping the idea that a partner or spouse would "run" if their significant other had a serious illness. Do people now days do that? Just up and leave someone because they are ill? I could never walk away from my husband if he were sick. Not ever. Love doesn't let you do that.

Jeff I think you are amazing in how you have handled such a difficult situation and you are using the love that the two of you had for each other to strengthen yourself. I've learned so much from you. Thank you so much for letting us follow your journey along with you.

When I was asked to stay with her. It was mostly to run errands and cook for her. It was a big effort for her to do it herself. She had a stroke a month earlier and started to lose her vision. By the 2nd month her vision was 30% and really just see shadows. Sadly the doctors couldn't do anything. One morning she asks me do you want to move on? She said it might be more than you can handle. I stayed and said we can handle it. She started having the symptoms of Charles Bonnet syndrome. It's where vision loss causes you to see hallucinations. It eventually stopped. We never gave up though. I think it would have been shameful for me to run after her asking me and our history.

vycebrand2 posted...

When I was asked to stay with her. It was mostly to run errands and cook for her. It was a big effort for her to do it herself. She had a stroke a month earlier and started to lose her vision. By the 2nd month her vision was 30% and really just see shadows. Sadly the doctors couldn't do anything. One morning she asks me do you want to move on? She said it might be more than you can handle. I stayed and said we can handle it. She started having the symptoms of Charles Bonnet syndrome. It's where vision loss causes you to see hallucinations. It eventually stopped. We never gave up though. I think it would have been shameful for me to run after her asking me and our history.

But deep inside, did you want to "run"?

SweetNut_Farm posted...

But deep inside, did you want to "run"?

Never run, definitely felt overwhelmed.

About a month before my wife passed, I had a weepy breakdown with my older sister and I specifically said, "Is it so wrong that I want this to end for both of us?! I'm telling you this because you also know I won't ever leave. She doesn't want to keep doing this and I don't want to keep watching her die slowly".

I never wanted to run. I wanted things to happen faster.

Nothing wrong with that.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

But deep inside, did you want to "run"?

NO!!

I'm sorry to hear about her passing

vycebrand2 posted...

NO!!

I hoped that would be your answer.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

I'm having trouble grasping the idea that a partner or spouse would "run" if their significant other had a serious illness. Do people now days do that? Just up and leave someone because they are ill? I could never walk away from my husband if he were sick. Not ever. Love doesn't let you do that.

Jeff I think you are amazing in how you have handled such a difficult situation and you are using the love that the two of you had for each other to strengthen yourself. I've learned so much from you. Thank you so much for letting us follow your journey along with you.

It is a hard thing to grasp but there are those that think "I didn't sign up for this" and bail on the situation.

DarthDemented posted...

It is a hard thing to grasp but there are those that think "I didn't sign up for this" and bail on the situation.

It is far more common than you might think. There are people who need their relationship to be something close to 50/50, or people who cannot take care of the sick. It's kinda sad but it is the reality.

My wife was estranged from her family and for some of them it was literally that they didn't believe her illnesses.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

It is far more common than you might think. There are people who need their relationship to be something close to 50/50, or people who cannot take care of the sick. It's kinda sad but it is the reality.

My wife was estranged from her family and for some of them it was literally that they didn't believe her illnesses.

It's pathetic is what it is. You married them, stand by them dammit.

First work day done!

The hardest thing about the day? Something I hadn't even anticipated or thought of. I typically have to drive here and there around my city for work. 15 minutes here, 10 minutes there, 20 minutes maybe on occasion. In those breaks? I would call my wife. Most often to chat about nothing, or to see how she is doing, what she had on the go, etc. etc. I honestly looked forward to those moments, I was excited to chat with my wife, even if I saw her an hour earlier. I would talk about what was going on in my work or she would tell me what was going on at home.

Today? Just listen to the radio. I was in radio in my early 20's so I enjoy the radio and whatnot, but it was just so weird to go about my day but not have that chat with my wife.

My colleagues were awesome, as they always have been. They didn't treat me with kid gloves, we joked around like we always would, they brought me in on what I missed the last two weeks, all that stuff. At the end of the work day? I was looking forward to going home... which was my biggest worry of all this. That my home wouldn't feel like my home, that I would find excuses to stay out, etc.

DarthDemented posted...

It's pathetic is what it is. You married them, stand by them dammit.

Some won't even lift a finger. Her remaining family members didn't do jack shit. Instead of helping brought up shit from the past. Your mother is dying and may have 6 months to live and just say "oh well, hey mom remember stuff from 20 years ago. I haven't and I hate you for it". In her last hospital stay I had asked her do you want me to contact your Daughter? She said no she had her chance. She knew who really cared about her. The 2 real friends she had. It's shameful people of your own blood act like sociopaths.

Received my wife's ashes today. Nothing ornate or even an urn as my wife was always pragmatic and said if I was following her wishes, I was spreading her ashes and then from there a nice picture in a frame was better than a fucking urn. XD

This also means I received the death certificates so I can finally get some of that work done too

My brother in-law passed away some 20 years ago of colon cancer. My sister had a small shamrock tattooed on the inside of her wrist (he was Irish). She said it gave her a lot of comfort and she could always just touch/rub it when she needed his energy. It was easy for her to see it while at work or doing whatever . She eventually remarried but even now sometimes I'll see her touching it. I don't even think she realizes that she is doing it.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

My brother in-law passed away some 20 years ago of colon cancer. My sister had a small shamrock tattooed on the inside of her wrist (he was Irish). She said it gave her a lot of comfort and she could always just touch/rub it when she needed his energy. It was easy for her to see it while at work or doing whatever . She eventually remarried but even now sometimes I'll see her touching it. I don't even think she realizes that she is doing it.

I'm gonna get something for sure. My wife did half design something for me that was quite elaborate. I love it but I don't know if I want it as a tattoo.

I looked through some of her drawings (she loved to draw before she started losing the strength to be able to do it) and I found a Totoro she drew that I might get.

I might do that Totoro, and then the day and time she passed away.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I'm gonna get something for sure. My wife did half design something for me that was quite elaborate. I love it but I don't know if I want it as a tattoo.

I looked through some of her drawings (she loved to draw before she started losing the strength to be able to do it) and I found a Totoro she drew that I might get.

I might do that Totoro, and then the day and time she passed away.

Could you frame the elaborate drawing?

Edit: even if it was only half done?

I will for sure.

I'm quite proud of myself for how I've done all of this. I feel I've done even better than I had hoped. I'm handling things, I'm being healthy and emotional while also moving forward with the rest of my life.

I think Lindsay would be really proud of me right now too. Well, not just right now. Lol

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I think Lindsay would be really proud of me right now too.

Based on your writings and self-reflections in this topic, I think you're doing exactly what you need to do. Not moving too quickly, but not letting the sadness stop you from taking care of yourself.

I'm no professional, but I think you're handling it as well as a person can handle a huge loss like this. I think a lot of us here who've been following your process are proud of you, too.

Wow, didn't realize it was the end of your wife's journey. My condolences, JakaS

As this thread approaches 500, I just wanted to jump back in and send love to all of you who are missing loved ones. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Sariana21 posted...

As this thread approaches 500, I just wanted to jump back in and send love to all of you who are missing loved ones. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Heeeeeey you Jerry Springer'd your post with that last sentence

Just popping in again as posts keep rolling. It's awesome to see some good coming out of every day. There maybe a bit of a "too good to be true" feeling given the situation, but like I said before, it's what you both planned on happening next.

Hey Jeff, I never post in these but I do check in to see updates, and have been following. I'd like to thank you for sharing. I could say a million other things that you've already heard, and are probably 99% ignorant on my part. Just wanna let you know that even non-posters are following and obviously send you and your family all our best. And condolences for the loss of your wife. Even though it was MAID, it's still the death of your wife. Please keep this microblog going!

Naysaspace posted...

Hey Jeff, I never post in these but I do check in to see updates, and have been following. I'd like to thank you for sharing. I could say a million other things that you've already heard, and are probably 99% ignorant on my part. Just wanna let you know that even non-posters are following and obviously send you and your family all our best. And condolences for the loss of your wife. Even though it was MAID, it's still the death of your wife. Please keep this microblog going!

im bad at typing heartfelt messages but exactly this, youre stronger than most people in this world and deserve the best of everything

15 Days

I received my wifes ashes today and the death certificate. This means I can do more of the work needed to get done. Closing out bank accounts, cancelling student loans, paying out the rest of the credit card debt, basically letting the rest of the world know that she has left this existence. In the immortal words of Peter Pan, To die would be an awfully big adventure. Funny thing is Lindsay hated that movie.

I feel like Im doing really well with all this. Im proud of myself and I know that Lindsay would be too. Is it weird that thought makes me cry? I know how much Lindsay was proud of me and I know how much everyone around me is proud of me. While Lindsay was with me I dont recall her having said that word to me very often. Maybe it was so self-evident that she thought it silly to even mention? It was one of the things I told her often; how proud I was of her. How strong she was, right to the end of her life. She was the strongest person I ever knew and she would scoff when I would tell her that. Maybe she thought I would scoff at the idea of her being proud of me.

Some of the youth I serve have hugged me and told me how sorry they were for my loss. My colleagues let me know they were asking about me like... 3 days into my being gone. It was so hard to put my all into both work and being the kind of partner Lindsay needed, but those kids telling me how much they missed me and how they wish I didnt have to lose my wife, I dont know if there is any other kindness that can be shown to me that would mean more. Kids are truthful to a fault once you have their trust. They have no reason to feign kindness.

Every day it feels a bit more normal. Being a widow, telling people about my deceased wife. Going back to work it was strange since when I would drive around the city, I would often have called Lindsay just to chat. Whether it was about whatever anime we were watching together, maybe a video game she was playing, if she heard back from this doctor or that one, or just to hear the sound of her voice. We did an anime channel together on Youtube for awhile. I havent yet listened back to any of the videos. Maybe I should, just to hear her voice again.

i have some voice mails on my phone I don't feel I should delete. I have listened to them a few times since. It's hard....Jeff. Give it more time. Trust me.

vycebrand2 posted...

i have some voice mails on my phone I don't feel I should delete. I have listened to them a few times since. It's hard....Jeff. Give it more time. Trust me.

Not gonna lie, I went back to listen to a podcast before you even responded. I was OK with it. It was comforting and reminded me of times we enjoyed together. It was nice.

That's comforting to hear. I had health issues after her passing (still do). I needed to keep my head in a good place then if I was going to listen to them. It took a year before I did.

I can tell you that you will have tes when you think you are in control of this and that you are doing ok and then you will have bad moments that slip in. Usually when you are alone. You will go on, step by step, sometimes not real sure of what direction you're going. You will find someone, if that is what you want, but then have feelings inside as to whether or not you should feel good about a new relationship even though you know it's okay. The years will pass. Soon most people in your life won't even know about the partner you lost or who she was. Life will go on. But, she will always be tucked away in that special place in your heart that only you can get to. The memories will only be yours. Years will pass and they will seem far away until something, maybe something like this, will bring them all up again. And it's not a bad thing, it's a quiet sweetness kind of thing. Maybe unreal that only you will know.

Expect ups and downs at first. Expect all the times you have to get through all the times that were special. Years will pass. You will be okay, I know this. I'm okay

No one other than Jeff better take post 500 ITT

Any plans to continue this topic after the 500?

BlazinBlue88 posted...

Any plans to continue this topic after the 500?

Yuppers.

I have a small tattoo.

Edit..I didn't get it until many years later though as it wasn't the thing to do back then. I've had it now 20 some years.

KaZooo posted...

Just popping in again as posts keep rolling. It's awesome to see some good coming out of every day. There maybe a bit of a "too good to be true" feeling given the situation, but like I said before, it's what you both planned on happening next.

Same.

And it's fine to have good feelings too.

AlCalavicci posted...

No one other than Jeff better take post 500 ITT

This.

Closing out my wife's bank account and paying off Visa. Sending out documentation to get her student loans canceled and a survivors benefit from CPP here in Canada.

I'm getting things done today.

I have myself a bunch of plans with friends this weekend. I'm looking so forward to it all. I have a party with my colleagues tomorrow, then have some friends over for Summer Slam on Saturday, and then some family time on Sunday!

I'm feeling good. Also, and I've kinda avoided saying this for fear of judgment, I kinda have a bit of a thing for one of my colleagues so I might ask her out on a date. >.>

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Also, and I've kinda avoided saying this for fear of judgment, I kinda have a bit of a thing for one of my colleagues so I might ask her out on a date. >.>

Won't judge you on this. Heart wants what it wants.

But.

You've been very... productive and forward-moving since your wife's passing. Really thrown yourself into all the projects to take care of the things on your plate that follow after that, plus going back to work.

I might take a minute and breathe in if I were you. You have every right to pursue it and be happy in that choice, but your positivity and productivity feels a bit manic?

Pace yourself and check in with yourself before you jump back in to too much, you know?

I hope she says yes whenever you ask, though.

DnDer posted...

Won't judge you on this. Heart wants what it wants.

But.

You've been very... productive and forward-moving since your wife's passing. Really thrown yourself into all the projects to take care of the things on your plate that follow after that, plus going back to work.

I might take a minute and breathe in if I were you. You have every right to pursue it and be happy in that choice, but your positivity and productivity feels a bit manic?

Pace yourself and check in with yourself before you jump back in to too much, you know?

I hope she says yes whenever you ask, though.

I know what you mean. It's something I guess with spending nearly a year going through the process? My wife and I discussed MAID back in September. We decided together that this is the correct path for her and I dedicated myself in my entirety to getting her to that finish line. It was beautiful and moving and powerful, beyond being sad and distressing.

I loved before my wife and I told my wife that I would find love after her. She encouraged me to do so and even told me to use the story to get laid cause, and I quote, "Your story will get you fucking laid"

My colleague has always been really cool and I've always enjoyed our time together. I would really enjoy spending time together. Am I in the position to be thinking about a long term relationship? I don't really have any sort of motives in so much as I think she is cool and I'd love to spend more time with her. It's been something that has been on my mind.

I think it's only fair to end this topic speaking about my wife and sharing more stories.

When I first asked my wife to date me, she shot me down. Not in the sense that she didn't like me or that she wanted to spend less time together, but she had left a relationship about 4 months before and told herself she wasn't going to date for "awhile". I remember her explaining to me that she didn't want to date me because she just didn't imagine herself dating anyone so soon.

Apparently without breaking a sweat and with an unearned confidence I said to her, "I understand... I think we will end up together though. I just cannot imagine us not trying this. I adore spending time with you and we find excuses to spend as much time together as possible. Let me know when you want to make this more official, but I just want us to keep being together"

I felt... so confident. More confident in this relationship than ANYTHING in my entire life. In my mind and heart I just knew. We fabricated so many stupid excuses to spend more time together. We would say we were gonna study and instead we would just watch movies together and love every second of it. I thought I came across in that exchange as confident... my wife said I came across almost creepy in a way. XD

Go ahead a month and she asked me if she still wanted to try being a legit couple. She said, "So, you still wanna date me? You need to know I'm a mess and my health might be an issue, I dunno..." and I just kissed her as she was trying to give me every reason not to date her. I told her right then that there was nothing that would stop me from loving her and that for as long as she wanted me, I was hers.

^_^

Thank you Lindsay for the greatest gift anyone has ever given me... sharing your life with me. I know it wasn't everything we had hoped for, but it was filled with a love and support I simply didn't know existed before sharing our lives together.

The very best things about you I can only hope have become a part of me forever to share with the rest of the world. I will work hard to make you proud of me for the rest of my days. I promise you this and while I'm not a religious person or spiritual, I hope I'm wrong and I will see you again when my journey is complete.