Current Events > Why do people dislike talking about kids/marriage on a first date?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Like. Do they think discussing long term desires is bad? Is talking about compatibility not important?

Because I havent even gotten to know them enough about you to even think about that far ahead yet honestly.

If you mean general would you ever want to have kids/get married then that is ok imo.

First dates are generally with someone you don't really know and is there to gauge if you have any interest in going further. Not really the best time to discuss long term plans with someone who might not be interest in going forward.

my guess is those people are strictly looking for something casual. but since a first date is meant to be a quick compatibility test, finding that stuff out sooner is better, IMO.

Tmaster148 posted...

First dates are generally with someone you don't really know and is there to gauge if you have any interest in going further. Not really the best time to discuss long term plans with someone who might not be interest in going forward.

But if kids is a deal breaker, which it is for many, why waste time by not declaring long term intentions?

This stuff is immediately advertised on dating app profiles.

Mistere_Man posted...

Because I havent even gotten to know them enough about you to even think about that far ahead yet honestly.

If you mean general would you ever want to have kids/get married then that is ok imo.

And just to clarify, I mean the latter. But folks act like me bringing up my long term goals means I mean with them. Which is egocentric imo.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

But if kids is a deal breaker, which it is for many, why waste time by not declaring long term intentions?

This stuff is immediately advertised on dating app profiles.

Addressing topics like that when you're basically still like "trying to know" someone can also be a big deal breaker too by pushing too hard on something that hasn't even been built yet.

Kids are something to come up when you've been dating for a while and can like, say you're in a relationship.

Dating apps can get around this because you aren't actually interacting with each other yet. The question loses a lot of tension when its put on the level of your favourite colour, but that's not really something you can do in a direct interaction.

I like levity and as much organic exploration as possible on a first date, which is hampered severely by heavy talk. I'm also in no hurry to get anywhere, so I don't feel like any first date could possibly be a waste of time on those grounds.

PlantBased posted...

I like levity and as much organic exploration as possible on a first date, which is hampered severely by heavy talk. I'm also in no hurry to get anywhere, so I don't feel like any first date could possibly be a waste of time on those grounds.

Asking if youd want kids is heavy talk? You only talk about hobbies and pop culture on a first date?

Proto_Spark posted...

Kids are something to come up when you've been dating for a while and can like, say you're in a relationship.

Why?

It's important to at least find out what their overall intentions are. A general question of do you want to have kids/get married one day isn't a dealbreaker on a first date, in my opinion. Especially in my situation where I have no intention of ever having kids. I think it's important that they understand that from the get go and I won't change my mind. It gives them the opportunity to determine if I'm not the right fit for them and vise versa. I've met women who want nothing to do with kids, and others who want a litter of them. I don't want to waste time getting to know someone who wants completely different things as me.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

But if kids is a deal breaker, which it is for many, why waste time by not declaring long term intentions?

This stuff is immediately advertised on dating app profiles.

Because the first date is more to feel each other out. Before the first date, you're literally strangers. So you slowly get to know each other and build up your comfort/trust over several dates.

Asking about that (marriage especially) so soon gives the impression that you're rushing things. Like you're saying that those are important deal breakers. But why is it so important that you need to discuss on date #1? You're trying to cover every single thing on your very first date? You're not going to be able to figure out if you want to spend your whole life with this person after meeting them for an hour. So why not save some of that for dates 2 or 3?

Tmaster148 posted...

First dates are generally with someone you don't really know and is there to gauge if you have any interest in going further. Not really the best time to discuss long term plans with someone who might not be interest in going forward.

Perhaps, it's a way to cut out the bullshit middle steps.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Why?

Because an honest conversation about having kids or getting married is something with a lot of social pressure attached to it. This makes it a hard conversation to have right out of the gate.

Dating apps can get around this because its more indirect. If you're on Tinder or whatever and say you want kids, you aren't really telling someone specific - you're basically just shouting into the void what you want, and looking for someone else (also shouting into the void) who wants the same things. Its much less of a conversation you're having with each other this way, and thus loses a lot of the social pressure.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Asking if youd want kids is heavy talk? You only talk about hobbies and pop culture on a first date?

Yes. In what instance is it not?

I'm open to talking about anything as long as the conversation arrives there naturally, but in my experience the topic of having kids rarely does.

I always do it simply because it's the least awkward way to make sure we're all on the same page. I'm not wearing a condom and I want her to know that asap

That's something I need to get out of the way before a first date even happens. If she wants children, a first date is a waste of time for us both.

"I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so LET'S HAVE BABIES"

PlantBased posted...

Yes. In what instance is it not?

I'm open to talking about anything as long as the conversation arrives there naturally, but in my experience the topic of having kids rarely does.

I feel like what are your goals or what aspirations do you have? are normal questions. Id answer having kids to either of those questions.

For a lot of people, having a family is pretty normal and not heavy at all. Its not like Im gonna start talking about parenting styles or some shit.

Giant_Aspirin posted...

my guess is those people are strictly looking for something casual. but since a first date is meant to be a quick compatibility test, finding that stuff out sooner is better, IMO.

Agreed.

I talk about anything. It's hard to make me uncomfortable. It's not like I have any obligations from just talking. I'm so far gone, I don't even understand what constitutes an awkward conversation anymore. I usually talk about anxieties as an ice breaker. My own. Im not like "Hey, tell me about your anxieties" lol. Most people are open after you show you're genuine about yours tho

If having kids is so important to you, why don't you bring it up *before* the first date?

Anteaterking posted...

If having kids is so important to you, why don't you bring it up *before* the first date?

Definitely since we're all in our late 20s to 40s. Why even waste that time.

Some people dont like it because it feels like everything is moving too fast Though, its not a bad idea If I dont want kids, but my potential partner does, it would be good to talk about it on the first date Less time wasted

Anteaterking posted...

If having kids is so important to you, why don't you bring it up *before* the first date?

I try to if it can come up.

But this topic is moreso why its a stigma to talk about in general.

Its like the dont talk about pay at work thing. I feel like some things are socially discouraged for no real reason. So was curious if folks could elaborate.

I think its ok to say "do you want kids one day". It's something im asked on first or second date. Especially the older i got.

if you were to say "when are we going to have kids" then thats a red flag

This topic is... I had a lady bring it up first date once when I was like 33 and she was 38 and it was also the last date.

That is obviously not a first date topic for obvious reasons.

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Its the first date and you dont even kmow the person on the most basic level. No reason it has to be brought up literally right out of the gate.

Like if you've known them a while and only just tried dating them for the first time you'd probly already know about if they want kids or not. So its a very strange thing to be brining up on a first date especially given what another poster said about the well known societal pressure and everything else regarding the issue.

at least get laid once before you decide you can be friends and not life partners

common snes

I think it great on the first date. Like I4NRulez said, its about how you ask it. If you say something like, Do you see kids as something youd like in future? That seems fine. Its not pointing to you as the father. But their own future plan It makes no sense to go on a few dates before asking For some people, its a deal breaker. So, get it out of the way fast

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Like. Do they think discussing long term desires is bad? Is talking about compatibility not important?

Because I don't even know you yet, and frankly it should be concerning you dont even know me. It's our first date, slow the fuck down. Way too soon to be asking about having my children and getting married.

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I don't know if I'd say more important but kinda this. Its more like thats a down the road thing for if you see a future with the person. First date you aren't setting up for the future you're just feeling eachother out so wtf are you looking that far ahead when you might not even loke eachother.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

I feel like what are your goals or what aspirations do you have? are normal questions. Id answer having kids to either of those questions.

For a lot of people, having a family is pretty normal and not heavy at all. Its not like Im gonna start talking about parenting styles or some shit.

You only feel that way because you know that having kids is foundational to your idea of a viable relationship. That's the only way that something can simultaneously be so important that it must be discussed ASAP before the relationship can even begin and just lighthearted, casual conversation.

You're not wrong for that, those are your priorities, but going back to the topic in general, not everyone feels that way.

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Yeah thats fair. I guess I was being kinda pedantic. It is equally important longer term but its not important at that point for sure.

because it makes it sound like you're treating your first date like you're giving them a job interview

PlantBased posted...

You only feel that way because you know that having kids is foundational to your idea of a viable relationship. That's the only way that something can simultaneously be so important that it must be discussed ASAP before the relationship can even begin and just lighthearted, casual conversation.

You're not wrong for that, those are your priorities, but going back to the topic in general, not everyone feels that way.

Thats unfortunate if folks feel that way.

To me, getting expectations and what people would even want out of dating is important to discuss first.

Like, I dont think it should be treated so seriously.

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exactly

Jiek_Fafn posted...

I always do it simply because it's the least awkward way to make sure we're all on the same page. I'm not wearing a condom and I want her to know that asap

Talking about kids is beating around the bush in your case. Why not just say "Hi. I'm here to give you an STD, and tough shit if I knock you up. You're on your own."

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To me, having a family is just an organic answer to what do you want to do in your life?. Which some variant of that should be asked on a first date.

Its no different to someone stating they want to travel, or are very devout in a religion. To me, its a fundamental thing to know about a potential partner. To me.

Like, chemistry can be determined by discussion. And often times, you cant accurately gauge chemistry without time.

Discovering what people want and why they even want to date is something you can immediately discern by asking about it. So why not? What makes someones job or what they do on weekends more important? And if not, what specifically are you discussing?

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I can immediately know if someone is a bad match by clarifying what our wants and expectations are. If someone is super religious, and Im not. Id wanna know that early so that I can not continue. Because wed be incompatible.

What I dont want is to date someone, potentially like them and feel we vibe well, and then discover a very large expectation like children differences come up. People would be prone to back down on their own life standards if its someone they emotionally are attached to. Or they may have to end a relationship they enjoyed for it.

I want to clarify dealbreakers as soon as possible to avoid that for both parties.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Thats unfortunate if folks feel that way.

To me, getting expectations and what people would even want out of dating is important to discuss first.

Like, I dont think it should be treated so seriously.

It's not unfortunate. It's just different. This whole topic seems like it's just you trying to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is as into wanting kids as you.

PlantBased posted...

It's not unfortunate. It's just different.

You cant correct my opinion. I think its unfortunate.

Like I said earlier, this fear negatively affects people being able to date with clear communication. In my opinion.

PlantBased posted...

This whole topic seems like it's just you trying to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is as into wanting kids as you.

I would like to know who doesnt want kids on a first date. The idea of Well, kids arent important to me. So you, whom they are, shouldnt bring up until some random amount of time is odd.

If people think its too serious, thats one thing. I understand that. But like said, I think its unfortunate.

You asked why some people don't want to talk about it. I told you why. Other people told you why. It doesn't mean anyone has to change anything or that anyone is wrong. I don't know what you want to hear.

PlantBased posted...

You asked why some people don't want to talk about it. I told you why. Other people told you why. It doesn't mean anyone has to change anything or that anyone is wrong.

And I concluded that I view that as unfortunate

You implied I was wrong.

PlantBased posted...

It's not unfortunate. It's just different.

So like dunno where I go from here.