Current Events > That textbook in Harry Potter that goes feral and attacks kids...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Why is that better than a book that... doesn't do that? Why did anyone create and mass produce that?

I get that it's magic but that's straight up inpractical.

I hope Hogwarts got with the times and went digital in the 21st century.

Imagine your little girl comes back from boarding school at Christmas and has a missing ear because Neville Longbottom's fucking textbook Mike Tysoned her one class.

UnfairRepresent posted...

I hope Hogwarts got with the times and went digital in the 21st century.

Big ask from a bunch of wizards who are too stupid to even pronounce the word "electricity" or know that lightning is made of it

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/E3kH249aRFQ

UnfairRepresent posted...

Why is that better than a book that... doesn't do that? Why did anyone create and mass produce that?

To be fair, highschool algebra textbooks have been doing that for centuries already.

I forgot about that man eater book

Crazy af!!!

Questionmarktarius posted...

To be fair, highschool algebra textbooks have been doing that for centuries already.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/4/8/8/AABJX0AAEICQ.jpg

I legit wonder if anyone who goes to that school has to sign a life waver first because there are so many fucking things that can kill these kids and HAS killed a few of them before! I only read the first 3 boks and right off the bat you have teachers who don't give a shit if one of the kids dies in class, students who openly plot to kill their school mates for anything, one of the 4 dormhouses in the damn thing flat out says evil people come from there. meanwhile the other three choices are a house where you'll be a chad, a house where you'll be forever known as a pussy and a litterally "Who"? house where you are doomed to a life of medocirty and if you do get killed nobody will even pretend to care.

tremain07 posted...

I legit wonder if anyone who goes to that school has to sign a life waver first because there are so many fucking things that can kill these kids and HAS killed a few of them before! I only read the first 3 boks and right off the bat you have teachers who don't give a shit if one of the kids dies in class, students who openly plot to kill their school mates for anything, one of the 4 dormhouses in the damn thing flat out says evil people come from there. meanwhile the other three choices are a house where you'll be a chad, a house where you'll be forever known as a pussy and a litterally "Who"? house where you are doomed to a life of medocirty and if you do get killed nobody will even pretend to care.

Wat.

TMOG posted...

Big ask from a bunch of wizards who are too stupid to even pronounce the word "electricity" or know that lightning is made of it

Also electronics literally do not work inside Hogwarts.

I haven't read the books. But the impression I got from the movies is that almost literally everything is out to kill you - yet no one ever actually dies from these blatant disregards for human safety.

"Oh, the book is trying to kill you."
"Oh, the tree on the lawn is trying to kill you."
"Oh, the three-headed guard dog is trying to kill you."
"Happy studying, everyone."

What if you tried to copulate with the book

FortuneCookie posted...

I haven't read the books. But the impression I got from the movies is that almost literally everything is out to kill you - yet no one ever actually dies from these blatant disregards for human safety.

"Oh, the book is trying to kill you."
"Oh, the tree on the lawn is trying to kill you."
"Oh, the three-headed guard dog is trying to kill you."
"Happy studying, everyone."

To be fair the school warns people not to go to the part of the lawn or the floor those things are on. So if you get killed by them it's on you.

https://youtu.be/xSxQcAm3PE8

Revelation34 posted...

Wat.

Hufflepuff. And he's right.

Sounds like someone tried to rip off The Luggage from Discworld and did so poorly.

Revelation34 posted...

Wat.

Ravenclaw.

Chicken posted...

What if you tried to copulate with the book

Weve all been to the point of unbelievable horniness that weve wrapped two pillows together with a belt and rawdogged them

imagine that but with the ability to magically enchant them like that book so theyre alive

ThyIlls posted...

Hufflepuff. And he's right.

No that's the who house. He's talking about Ravenclaw which makes no sense.

StrongAsKong posted...

Also electronics literally do not work inside Hogwarts.

Fuck that

gimmie me my wi-fi

Aridi posted...

Sounds like someone tried to rip off The Luggage from Discworld and did so poorly.

Also attack books

Explanation that I made up just now: while the information in them is accurate, they're meant to be gag gifts. Hagrid, being himself, is the only one to ever actually think that you should use them as a real textbook.

pegusus123456 posted...

Explanation that I made up just now: while the information in them is accurate, they're meant to be gag gifts. Hagrid, being himself, is the only one to ever actually think that you should use them as a real textbook.

Malfoy is a jerk but Hagrid absolutely should not be a teacher

He's about as responsible as a gamefaqs moderator.

UnfairRepresent posted...

Malfoy is a jerk but Hagrid absolutely should not be a teacher

Agreed.

The real issue is Dumbledore.

Man, Hogwarts Legacy really has got the Harry Potter series buzzin around in peoples brains.

Also to answer the question, its a joke text book. Whoever made it thought it was funny. The guy selling it in florish and blots hated them, and said hes never gonna stock them again.

pegusus123456 posted...

Explanation that I made up just now: while the information in them is accurate, they're meant to be gag gifts. Hagrid, being himself, is the only one to ever actually think that you should use them as a real textbook.

Woops. beat me too it. should have refreshed.

Also to be fair on hagrid, hes a very knowledgeable and skilled teacher (when he has confidence), hes just into some weird shit.

and to be honest? Id take his class. Fuck hinkypunks.

UnfairRepresent posted...

Why is that better than a book that... doesn't do that? Why did anyone create and mass produce that?

I get that it's magic but that's straight up inpractical

It's actually only possible for someone to write something as odd and fantastical as Harry Potter because they are able to throw off the limitations of conventional thinking. Everything isn't going to make perfect logical sense but that's what makes the world of HP feel so whimsical and "magic".

Kimbos_Egg posted...

Also to be fair on hagrid, hes a very knowledgeable and skilled teacher (when he has confidence), hes just into some weird shit.

The only downside being that he's out of his fucking mind. He crossbred a manticore with a crabturtle that shoots fire out of its ass and forced a bunch of fourteen-year-olds to raise them.

pegusus123456 posted...

The only downside being that he's out of his fucking mind. He crossbred a manticore with a crabturtle that shoots fire out of its ass and forced a bunch of fourteen-year-olds to raise them.

Yeah, pretty weird. Not all that dangerous until they got older though tbf.

and it was interesting to see what would happen.

I mean, honestly the acumantulas in the fucking forest was far worse IMO, but apparently there always were some there? According to this game atleast..

thats why we need wizards and hogwarts irl fr fr

Ratchetrockon posted...

I forgot about that man eater book

Crazy af!!!

Hmm, with a man-eater book, there needs to be a man-eater song.

https://youtu.be/yRYFKcMa_Ek

pick4six posted...

thats why we need wizards and hogwarts irl fr fr

You kidding?
Without wizards we get Trump, Sunak and Trudeau

Now imagine Voldemort in that mix

UnfairRepresent posted...

Now imagine Voldemort in that mix

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/4/8/0/AAEhCpAAEIRw.jpg

s0nicfan posted...

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/4/8/8/AABJX0AAEICQ.jpg

lol

Kimbos_Egg posted...

Also to answer the question, its a joke text book. Whoever made it thought it was funny. The guy selling it in florish and blots hated them, and said hes never gonna stock them again.

Woops. beat me too it. should have refreshed.

It's just wizards being weirdos. It isn't a joke gift.

UnfairRepresent posted...

Why did anyone create and mass produce that?

Honestly this is a far better question than Hagrid deciding they'd be the perfect text book for a class. And I'm like 90% sure they never mentioned using said book again.

Follow up question that was bugging me the other night:
Why the fuck are love potions in books that are easily accessible to teenagers? Who still thinks that's a good idea? Like, I can see why they existed 200 years ago, but why are they in a potion text book alongside presumably normal potions like "how to regrow your fucking bones"?

Crazyman93 posted...

Why the fuck are love potions in books that are easily accessible to teenagers? Who still thinks that's a good idea? Like, I can see why they existed 200 years ago, but why are they in a potion text book alongside presumably normal potions like "how to regrow your fucking bones"?

TBH the problem with this is not their existence, but the fact that the series was set (and written sorta) in the 90's, when people didn't really think this shit through as much..

If she made a new series, id love to see them banned. Maybe some woman was keeping male sex slaves in her house and that was the tipping point? Etc.

Revelation34 posted...

It's just wizards being weirdos. It isn't a joke gift.

i mean the guy selling them hated it, and was probably only doing so in bulk because of hogwarts.

Kimbos_Egg posted...

TBH the problem with this is not their existence, but the fact that the series was set (and written sorta) in the 90's, when people didn't really think this shit through as much..

Fair enough. But I mean, it's literally a magical roofie. Of course, Wizards are shown fairly often to be sort of out of touch with anything resembling common sense. See: The first book and some guy thinking a school is a safer place to store something than a bank that has vaults that literally suck you in if you try to open them, and MAY be guarded by dragons. See also: A dumbass trying to look impressive only to make a student's bones disappear, whereas the trained medical witch could easily fix it

I mean, I can see keeping the books around for archival purposes, Styropyro damn near got banned on YouTube for showing an old chemistry text book that he had, which contained a hiccup cure containing chloroform ("well, guess you can't have hiccups if you're unconscious!"). And being essentially a university, in so far as I've never heard of any Wizarding University after secondary school, they would amass texts and knowledge. The whole "Forbidden" section of the library is proof of that.

FortuneCookie posted...

"Oh, the tree on the lawn is trying to kill you."
"Oh, the three-headed guard dog is trying to kill you."

To be fair, there WERE valid reasons for those. The tree's reason just hadn't been necessary in something like 20-30 years and it was apparently easier to keep saying "stay the fuck away from it" as opposed to... Fill in the tunnel under it with dirt. I guess in case you need it again? Even though there's a potion that makes the purpose redundant in the modern age. And the Cerberus just goes back to me saying some idiot thought a magic high school was safer than a literal fucking bank vault that can only be opened by another species.

Oh, and that safety inspection video mentioned giant spiders. I'm fairly sure only 4 people knew they were there. Per Rowling's supplement book "Fantastic Beasts", the rumors of the colony living in Scotland were unsubstantiated. Which was crossed out with a reference to the second book. Really the Forbidden Forest seemed to be one part reserve for the Thestrals and Unicorns (which makes no sense to me at all given my limited horse biology knowledge), and one part "preserve for all sorts of other magical creature that they don't want muggles knowing about for some reason."

Crazyman93 posted...

The first book and some guy thinking a school is a safer place to store something than a bank that has vaults that literally suck you in if you try to open them, and MAY be guarded by dragons

Crazyman93 posted...

And the Cerberus just goes back to me saying some idiot thought a magic high school was safer than a literal fucking bank vault that can only be opened by another species.

Your criticism here doesn't really make sense because the vault that formerly housed the Stone was broken into literally the same day Hagrid took it out to bring to Azkaban. And then it took Quirrel/Voldemort an entire school year to figure out how to get past the traps at Hogwarts. And even the, he wouldn't have managed the mirror without Harry getting involved.

pegusus123456 posted...

And even the, he wouldn't have managed the mirror without Harry getting involved.

So in other words, if three nosy then pre-teens minded their own business, it would have been more secure than a literal bank vault.

Either Flamel didn't pay for a secure enough vault for his MAGIC STONE OF FUCKING ETERNAL LIFE or all the talk about Gringotts security being top notch is REALLY overblown given that a literal University is more secure.

... Actually, I think the 7th book suggests the second suggestion, even if that one required an inside man.

Crazyman93 posted...

So in other words, if three nosy then pre-teens minded their own business, it would have been more secure than a literal bank vault.

Yeah I'm not really sure why they thought that

Voldemort beats Harry to the mirror
And every year people break into Hogwarts
1st book: Voldemort
2nd: Giant snake has been there for decades + voldemort again
3rd: Sirus Black
4th: Dr Who Death Eater guy
5th: I barely rememebr this one
6th: Every Nazi on earth
7th: The Nazis take over

It doesn't seem safe at all.

Granted the Gringotts vault got busted into as well but... Man it feels the "protections" did nothing except the mirror

Hard to imagine ValdeQurriel playing chess, or flying around on that broomstick chasing keys

Dumbledore knew and meant harry to stop Quirrell btw. He knew he was trying to steal it.

UnfairRepresent posted...

Granted the Gringotts vault got busted into as well but... Man it feels the "protections" did nothing except the mirror

There's a fan theory that this was the point. The traps were just to make it seem like they were serious. The mirror was meant to keep whoever it was down there long enough for Dumbledore to come whoop their ass.

pegusus123456 posted...

There's a fan theory that this was the point. The traps were just to make it seem like they were serious. The mirror was meant to keep whoever it was down there long enough for Dumbledore to come whoop their ass.

That makes it even worse

Fluffy rips some naughty Slytherin 1st year's face off and she bleeds to death after she went to investigate the corridor

Then it turns out he was just a show trap and wasn't doing anything XD

Besides it's cruel to keep such a large animal in such a small room.

UnfairRepresent posted...

Fluffy rips some naughty Slytherin 1st year's face off and she bleeds to death after she went to investigate the corridor

They were told not to go there and Fluffy can't actually reach the door. If he manages to still get the child, that's just natural selection.

Also, Dumbledore literally tells them, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death.

So it's not like he was hiding it.

UnfairRepresent posted...

It doesn't seem safe at all.

Yet literally gets called the safest place in Britain. Well, as long as Dumbledore is there.

Also: Second Book wasn't quite Voldemort again. But sort of because he gave something to a guy who actually always put his own interests ahead of any loyalty to the guy he, you know, swore loyalty to.
3rd book can be explained with "no one knew that he could turn into a giant dog and therefore made it easier." Well, I'm sure Dumbledore knew, but he also knew other shit he wasn't telling people about that REALLY COULD HAVE DONE WITH KNOWING!
5th didn't have an invasion. Instead students ran away from school, invaded somewhere else that was supposed to be incredibly secure, AND ALSO HELPED FURTHER VOLDEMORT'S PLANS!

Also, I disagree with calling the Death Eaters "nazis", mostly because I'm fairly sure Grindlewald was supposed to be "Wizard Hitler", which makes the Death Eaters "neo-Nazis if neo-Nazis ever actually accomplished literally anything".

pegusus123456 posted...

They were told not to go there and Fluffy can't actually reach the door. If he manages to still get the child, that's just natural selection.

Thanks Victor Von Doom

I'm not sure painful death is the correct punishment for a slightly misbehaving child. This is the Harambe debate all over again.

Crazyman93 posted...

Also, I disagree with calling the Death Eaters "nazis", mostly because I'm fairly sure Grindlewald was supposed to be "Wizard Hitler", which makes the Death Eaters "neo-Nazis if neo-Nazis ever actually accomplished literally anything".

"They're not Nazis they're Neo-Nazis" is an interesting take

Is the distinction really nessecary?

UnfairRepresent posted...

Thanks Victor Von Doom

I'm not sure painful death is the correct punishment for a slightly misbehaving child. This is the Harambe debate all over again.

I didn't get my edit in in time:

pegusus123456 posted...

Also, Dumbledore literally tells them, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death.

So it's not like he was hiding it.

If you sneak into a hallway you've been told not to go in, open a door you're not supposed to, and walk up to the growling, giant, three-headed dog after you've been warned it'll kill you...I mean, come on. That kid wasn't making it to adulthood regardless.