Current Events > guess im filing for divorce. kinda fucked up about it idk AMA/blog or something

(+) Yeah! (+)

bsp still post here?

Sometimes.

He posts on the sexy board often

That's never easy. Hope you've got a support system in place to help you navigate all the hurtful parts.

How did you know it was time?

Very sorry to hear that. You always gave the impression of being well collected and happy. So this is surprising. I hope things go smoothly and you can still be happy anyway.

In the grand scheme of things, more people probably regret staying in an unhappy marriage than getting divorced. Im sure it hurts, but maybe its for the best long term. Keep your head up.

::Gives TC a BIG HUG::

hugs

sorry to hear this.

bladegash posted...

Sometimes.

He posts on the sexy board often

word thx

Gobstoppers12 posted...

That's never easy. Hope you've got a support system in place to help you navigate all the hurtful parts.

thanks. not really lol but its ok lol. i'm not really emotionally hurt i guess? just sucks because we got a kid and idk i feel shitty about it because she doesn't want a divorce (at this particular point in time, more on that later)

lord0fmud posted...

How did you know it was time?

hard to explain w/o going into full details, but to cut to the chase:

we met when i was 25, she's 4 years older than me and had 4 kids before we met. we moved in together immediately and got married within 6 months of even knowing each other because she quit her job(and hasn't had one in 10 years) and we weren't going to make ends meet unless i claimed the kids on my taxes as stepdad and got like $10k in earned income credit. she became increasingly agoraphobic to the point that we havent gone out since 2013, and refuses to seek treatment.

around this time i learned that her car was not her own, that her ex was paying for it, and i had to hide any time a truck that even looked like his pulled into the parking lot in case it was him showing up. i also wasn't allowed to tell anyone we were married (not even my parents) because she was afraid her ex husband (different guy) would find out.

anyways yeah, we didn't go anywhere and she got pissed if i left by myself (to the point that she'd threaten suicide), so i quit my band (not anything special but it was important to me at the time), and havent seen any of my friends in nearly a decade, to take care of her+kids.

she got pregnant after like a year and half of marriage and our son was born 3 months early. the pregnancy was incredibly traumatic (for both of us, moreso her obviously) and neither of us ever really recovered from it. she came into the marriage with a ton of baggage (wasn't talking to any of her family), and routinely had meltdowns where she'd threaten suicide like i mentioned, breakdown over grievances she had against her mother, her father, her sister, her exes, and refuse to speak to me for days, or have panic attacks over lights in the sky she thought were UFOs she was convinced were coming to kill us.

top all that off with her routinely "dying" from undiagnosed medical issues (stomach pains, lethargy, etc.) that she refused to seek medical treatment for, which was somehow my fault, and it boiled into a massive mountain of resentment.

she'd always accuse me of being a robot or emotionless or gay because i rarely wanted to have sex, but mostly it was because i was A) mad, and B) she only wanted to have missionary sex with the lights off and she cried the whole time because it made her too "emotional", and i stopped wanting to because it felt like a chore and the crying stuff made it incredibly uncomfortable.

anyways, we had a kid about 7 1/2 years ago, and for the first ~5 years i did everything. i did all the grocery shopping, most of the cooking (unless we were eating takeout), took him and the other kids to school, went to all the school conferences, therapies, doctor visits, etc.
and she couldn't even be assed to wake up before noon to get my son dressed for preschool, so i'd have to take all of my lunch break to go home, wake him up, get him dressed, and take him to school.

when COVID hit, and my job went on lockdown, we argued constantly, and i told her how pissed i was, she said "fine lets get a divorce" i said ok, so she moved in with her mom about 3 hours away.
in the intervening time, i talked to some people online about it, and ended up semi-flirting with someone (in my head, at the time, we were getting a divorce, and had been physically separated for months)

i told this person after like two weeks that i wasn't comfortable with meeting/dating anyone until i was divorced and that was that. about 6 months later my wife and i reconciled. she got on my computer, went through all my shit, and has berated me for two years for giving her the worst betrayal she's ever received in her life (even though her ex husband got another girl pregnant while they were married, and her mom took out a bunch of credit cards with her social security number, me flirting with someone online, while we were separated, was somehow worse)

she guilt tripped me into coming back, saying i was abandoning my family, etc. 2 years later we still fight about the same shit, she threatened divorce, i said ok. she told me to talk to an attorney and file, i said ok. i got divorce papers to fill out, and now she doesn't want a divorce, and i'm just so fuckin done.

Oh my goodness, what a fucking horror story.

You brave, unfortunate soul. I'm sorry.

what the fuck

KogaSteelfang posted...

Very sorry to hear that. You always gave the impression of being well collected and happy. So this is surprising. I hope things go smoothly and you can still be happy anyway.

thats the fucked up part, im like happy/sad. mostly cause the alcohol (i'm living in a spare room at work, above a bar that we own, that i have unlimited access to and hundreds of bottles of liquor >_>)
thx tho!

AloneIBreak posted...

In the grand scheme of things, more people probably regret staying in an unhappy marriage than getting divorced. Im sure it hurts, but maybe its for the best long term. Keep your head up.

word, yeah., thats how i feel. i absolutely don't wanna drag this out til i'm fuckin 45.

pauIie posted...

hugs

sorry to hear this.

Kamen_Rider_Blade posted...

::Gives TC a BIG HUG::

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]



thx all! my attorney wants to be an asshole but tbh i just want it over

She sounds like a toxic person, not worth interacting with if possible.

Time to move on.

THat fucking sucks, going through one myself.

Everything about it sucks, but it also feels weirdly good to feel like things were finally moving forward in reagrds to our marriage. Then she will have her life and I will have mine.

Damn, that's messed up. Good luck in getting through this mess.

oh i forgot to mention she literally put a fuckin bug (as in, recording device) in my car because im just gonna go "MEET SOME WHORES" in the 10 minutes it takes me to get home from work or something idk
sorry i'm just really fuckin buttmad about being told i'm worse than a fuckin dude that would knock up another girl while he was married because i had the gall to flirt, on discord and never even close to in person, while separated with the intent to divorce for months

I err don't even know where to start with all that.

You should really try and get custody for your kid.

lol she sounds awful, your life is about to become AWESOME!

congrats, TC! I think this will be the start of a brave new world 4 u!~

I'm really sorry TC - I can't think of anything to say to either your story or the divorce except I'm crossing my fingers for you and your kid(s).

Sounds like you're making the right decision. Sucks that things end up this way but that did not seem like a good situation at all.

yall acting like TC going to a funeral when in reality he's going to rise like a phoenix

Kamen_Rider_Blade posted...

She sounds like a toxic person, not worth interacting with if possible.

Time to move on.

i mean, i havent been the perfect husband. i certainly am emotionally distant (bc of our issues and idk, my inborn nature i guess), and she's convinced (now that i'm the one that's instigating divorce, not her) that our problems are as easy to "fix" as a few hours of marriage counseling. it does feel like shit, and tbh i stayed mostly b/c of my son, but yeah, i think it's better in the long run.

Punished_Blinx posted...

I err don't even know where to start with all that.

You should really try and get custody for your kid.

she told me if i ever tried for custody she'd get her kids to lie and say i abused them (absolutely 100% untrue, swear on my own son's life, i've never even spanked them), because her mom made her do the same thing against her dad when she was a kid.

Robot2600 posted...

lol she sounds awful, your life is about to become AWESOME!

congrats, TC! I think this will be the start of a brave new world 4 u!~

hope so
last we talked she told me i was ugly, bad in bed, and that no one will want me lol

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


thanks! i've been to doctors visits (because she refuses to go alone) where they've suggested BPD, but she immediately freaks out and leaves the office if they suggest she has any kind of mental disorder and threatens that i "better not use it against [her]" in court. she got diagnosed schizophrenic when she was a kid, but apparently they were "wrong" she was just "on LSD". i took her to the emergency room a few months ago because she said she was having a heart attack, and the doctor said it was just anxiety and prescribed her hydroxyzine but she won't take it because it makes her "sick"

From what youve said you're making the right choice

Oubliettes posted...

she told me if i ever tried for custody she'd get her kids to lie and say i abused them (absolutely 100% untrue, swear on my own son's life, i've never even spanked them), because her mom made her do the same thing against her dad when she was a kid.

Would your son do that to you?

Like from what you're saying here she's barely a functional adult so is your son going to be okay living there?

holy shit. Get that divorce. maybe you're so far gone to see how bad this actually is, but it's really bad, She should be in jail for the abuse she's put you through and the neglect of her own children.

Holy fuck. You always seem pretty even tempered around here. Never would've guessed that you've got all that going on.

You dont deserve that shit. Hope everything works out as painless as possible and you can move onto a life full of happiness.

Jesus... I'm sorry to hear that you're getting a divorce TC, but at the same time, that whole relationship sounds horrible.

If you're that miserable, don't stay just because you have a kid together. You can still be happy and raise your kid without being together with his mom.

kids arent dumb, they can tell who the crazy parent is most of the time. i wouldnt worry unless you think your kid is kinda "slow"

God damn dude. I hope you get custody of your kid. What happened to her other children?

damn, I'm sorry, man.

and the stuff with her getting her kids to lie if you try to get custody of your child is super messed up.

it sucks how warped people can be.

Good lord, that story sounds terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. This divorce will definitely be good for you, I hope you get to keep custody of your kid somehow?

Reading that story, it sounds like you made the right decision >_>

Holy shit Im surprised you lasted that much and somewhat emotionally unscathed? Like goddamn I wanted to divorce my wife for much much less. Hope it all plays out for you. I only worry about her children. Seems like you were probably a father figure to them for a good chunk of their lives.

Punished_Blinx posted...

Would your son do that to you?

Like from what you're saying here she's barely a functional adult so is your son going to be okay living there?

my attorney's kind of said the same thing. keeps asking "why are you so afraid of her?"

thing is, my son is nonverbal autistic. her kids do absolutely whatever she says.
she caught her son (17) flirting with another boy online. she told him she wasn't "raising a f*****" and that she'd disown him if he was gay. i had a talk with him privately, told him we'd love him no matter what, and that his mom was just confused/surprised/upset, and that she'd cool off and be okay with it in a few days.

she didn't, and when we fought about it later that night, he fuckin took her side, that she was right, that he was groomed into being gay by the kid he was flirting with, etc.

i have absolutely 0% faith there

Oubliettes posted...

word thx

thanks. not really lol but its ok lol. i'm not really emotionally hurt i guess? just sucks because we got a kid and idk i feel shitty about it because she doesn't want a divorce (at this particular point in time, more on that later)

hard to explain w/o going into full details, but to cut to the chase:

we met when i was 25, she's 4 years older than me and had 4 kids before we met. we moved in together immediately and got married within 6 months of even knowing each other because she quit her job(and hasn't had one in 10 years) and we weren't going to make ends meet unless i claimed the kids on my taxes as stepdad and got like $10k in earned income credit. she became increasingly agoraphobic to the point that we havent gone out since 2013, and refuses to seek treatment.

around this time i learned that her car was not her own, that her ex was paying for it, and i had to hide any time a truck that even looked like his pulled into the parking lot in case it was him showing up. i also wasn't allowed to tell anyone we were married (not even my parents) because she was afraid her ex husband (different guy) would find out.

anyways yeah, we didn't go anywhere and she got pissed if i left by myself (to the point that she'd threaten suicide), so i quit my band (not anything special but it was important to me at the time), and havent seen any of my friends in nearly a decade, to take care of her+kids.

she got pregnant after like a year and half of marriage and our son was born 3 months early. the pregnancy was incredibly traumatic (for both of us, moreso her obviously) and neither of us ever really recovered from it. she came into the marriage with a ton of baggage (wasn't talking to any of her family), and routinely had meltdowns where she'd threaten suicide like i mentioned, breakdown over grievances she had against her mother, her father, her sister, her exes, and refuse to speak to me for days, or have panic attacks over lights in the sky she thought were UFOs she was convinced were coming to kill us.

top all that off with her routinely "dying" from undiagnosed medical issues (stomach pains, lethargy, etc.) that she refused to seek medical treatment for, which was somehow my fault, and it boiled into a massive mountain of resentment.

she'd always accuse me of being a robot or emotionless or gay because i rarely wanted to have sex, but mostly it was because i was A) mad, and B) she only wanted to have missionary sex with the lights off and she cried the whole time because it made her too "emotional", and i stopped wanting to because it felt like a chore and the crying stuff made it incredibly uncomfortable.

anyways, we had a kid about 7 1/2 years ago, and for the first ~5 years i did everything. i did all the grocery shopping, most of the cooking (unless we were eating takeout), took him and the other kids to school, went to all the school conferences, therapies, doctor visits, etc.
and she couldn't even be assed to wake up before noon to get my son dressed for preschool, so i'd have to take all of my lunch break to go home, wake him up, get him dressed, and take him to school.

when COVID hit, and my job went on lockdown, we argued constantly, and i told her how pissed i was, she said "fine lets get a divorce" i said ok, so she moved in with her mom about 3 hours away.
in the intervening time, i talked to some people online about it, and ended up semi-flirting with someone (in my head, at the time, we were getting a divorce, and had been physically separated for months)

i told this person after like two weeks that i wasn't comfortable with meeting/dating anyone until i was divorced and that was that. about 6 months later my wife and i reconciled. she got on my computer, went through all my shit, and has berated me for two years for giving her the worst betrayal she's ever received in her life (even though her ex husband got another girl pregnant while they were married, and her mom took out a bunch of credit cards with her social security number, me flirting with someone online, while we were separated, was somehow worse)

she guilt tripped me into coming back, saying i was abandoning my family, etc. 2 years later we still fight about the same shit, she threatened divorce, i said ok. she told me to talk to an attorney and file, i said ok. i got divorce papers to fill out, and now she doesn't want a divorce, and i'm just so fuckin done.

...

Dude.

Oubliettes posted...

my attorney's kind of said the same thing. keeps asking "why are you so afraid of her?"

thing is, my son is nonverbal autistic. her kids do absolutely whatever she says.
she caught her son (17) flirting with another boy online. she told him she wasn't "raising a f*****" and that she'd disown him if he was gay. i had a talk with him privately, told him we'd love him no matter what, and that his mom was just confused/surprised/upset, and that she'd cool off and be okay with it in a few days.

she didn't, and when we fought about it later that night, he fuckin took her side, that she was right, that he was groomed into being gay by the kid he was flirting with, etc.

i have absolutely 0% faith there

File for divorce and file for custody. Call her bluff. They have to prove it, pretty sure a childs testimony after the fact when its never been heard of before means next to nothing in court for this exact reason.

Oubliettes posted...

bsp still post here?

Meant to @ him for you earlier. Better late than never right?

@bsp77

bladegash posted...

File for divorce and file for custody. Call her bluff. They have to prove it, pretty sure a childs testimony after the fact when its never been heard of before means next to nothing in court for this exact reason.

yeah, that's what my dad said. he went through the same thing with my older half-brothers mom. the testimony didnt hold up in court, like at all, but she fought it until he was penniless.

Reading this topic and I'm so sad that TC lost 10 years of his life to this evil woman

Please TC, be happy you're getting divorced. Do your best to navigate and try to get custody of your son.

Not to be crass but I feel like if you have any proof of her saying she'd get her kids to lie about you, proof of the bug, and proof of her threatening self harm you'd probably be in the clear in terms of getting custody of your son. I'm not a lawyer tho.

Damn, homeboy really spent 10 years in an abusive relationship. Get the fuck out of there my guy, and document whatever the fuck you can of all this to try and get out as clean as possible.

Shit like this is why no-fault divorce should be a thing, because she should absolutely not be getting anything out of him but any attempt to get anything out of her would almost certainly prolong things and make things worse for everyone's sake. I'm sorry you've had to put up with this for so long, get the fuck out of there.

And I know you said that you don't have a support network in place, but there are two things I would recommend doing. First off, make an emergency survival plan. Make sure you have someone on your side, even if it's just a family member. Having a lifeline, a person to keep you connected to the world while everything is falling apart, is essential.

The second thing I'd recommend: learn how to be selfish, and get selfish until you're out of this relationship. Not to the point where you're like stealing candy out of some kid's hands and laughing about it, but to the point where you're looking out for your own survival. Be good to people around you, but spread your weight a little and get all the support you need. Making sure you're okay is priority #1.

Holy fucking shit

Jiek_Fafn posted...

Holy fuck. You always seem pretty even tempered around here. Never would've guessed that you've got all that going on.

You dont deserve that shit. Hope everything works out as painless as possible and you can move onto a life full of happiness.

thanks! lol she always told me it was "shameful" to discuss our marital problems with anyone else. that our problems should be "between husband and wife", so i really only talk to my dad (privately) about it and i'm not allowed to have friends because that would mean shes "not enough for [me]". thus all the CE shitposting

NoxObscuras posted...

Jesus... I'm sorry to hear that you're getting a divorce TC, but at the same time, that whole relationship sounds horrible.

If you're that miserable, don't stay just because you have a kid together. You can still be happy and raise your kid without being together with his mom.

yeah, it was absolutely foolish of me to even get married. i was scared to hurt her feelings or something. i've never broken up with a girl lol, so i feel like an asshole atm

BuzzKilljoy posted...

God damn dude. I hope you get custody of your kid. What happened to her other children?

the oldest moved out as soon as she turned 18, the other two (17, 15) do nothing but sit in their rooms and play xbox. they're homeschooled bc their mom is convinced our school system is too "urban" (read: black) and they have absolutely 0 friends IRL

Oubliettes posted...

my attorney's kind of said the same thing. keeps asking "why are you so afraid of her?"

thing is, my son is nonverbal autistic. her kids do absolutely whatever she says.
she caught her son (17) flirting with another boy online. she told him she wasn't "raising a f*****" and that she'd disown him if he was gay. i had a talk with him privately, told him we'd love him no matter what, and that his mom was just confused/surprised/upset, and that she'd cool off and be okay with it in a few days.

she didn't, and when we fought about it later that night, he fuckin took her side, that she was right, that he was groomed into being gay by the kid he was flirting with, etc.

i have absolutely 0% faith there

All the more reason you need to get your son out of there. You deserve better and so does he. Especially if he's nonverbal. He needs stability and calm.

Overall listen to your attorney. He's the expert when it comes to being in court. I'd honestly be surprised if she's able to present herself well in public.

Holy yikes!

After reading your story, please don't blame yourself for any of it. Who you are or any flaws you put on yourself is from years of toxicity and emotional abuse from her. Knowing she has a child with you and likes to threaten her life whenever things don't go her way if I could give any advice it would be to make that divorce as smooth as possible and the only thing you should seek is custody. Oh and document everything. It sounds like you got roped in from the start and had no way to get out of the quicksand.