Current Events > guess im filing for divorce. kinda fucked up about it idk AMA/blog or something

(+) Yeah! (+)

Oubliettes posted...

my attorney's kind of said the same thing. keeps asking "why are you so afraid of her?"

I realize we had our differences in another topic when we were talking about Duncan's behavior so maybe my advice isn't welcome, but I'm going to give it anyway on the off chance it might help. My family is overflowing with Cluster B goodness, and I've seen some things. One thing that abusive borderlines like to do is hurt themselves or just flat out lie and make you out to be an abusive person. It's far from unheard of for one to cut themselves or punch themselves and claim you are beating them. People have gone to jail over this, because if she is bloodied and crying it'll be her word against yours when the cops come (or her word and the words of her kids if they really do whatever she says), and statistically men are the abusers.

Browsing this sub might be helpful too:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And of course, to be clear for any of our regulars who post here who have BPD or know someone who does, I'm 100% only calling out the abusive ones and the common patterns of behavior they exhibit.

Punished_Blinx posted...

All the more reason you need to get your son out of there. You deserve better and so does he. Especially if he's nonverbal. He needs stability and calm.

Overall listen to your attorney. He's the expert when it comes to being in court. I'd honestly be surprised if she's able to present herself well in public.

she's not, but she's incredibly effective at getting people to listen to her sob story, and so is her mother. they've (collectively) been through 7 divorces (i'm her third, and her mother's had 4), and act like they know everything about it. during covid lockdowns they had me convinced i was never going to see my son again unless i drove 3 hours to sign bogus divorce papers, and that i wasn't allowed to talk to an attorney because she couldn't afford one.

obviously, when i talked to my attorney, she said she's full of shit.

Youre being held a hostage and youre doing the only thing you can do to save yourself. This isnt stabbing anyone in the back. This isnt running away. This isnt abandoning anyone. This is about getting out of an abusive, cyclic sort of relationship. You cant do it all. A relationship is a two-way thing, and if one party takes and never gives, then things arent going to work.

The secrecy alone seems like a red flag to me. You shouldnt have to be secretly married or hide from her ex.

darkmaian23 posted...

I realize we had our differences in another topic when we were talking about Duncan's behavior so maybe my advice isn't welcome, but I'm going to give it anyway on the off chance it might help. My family is overflowing with Cluster B goodness, and I've seen some things. One thing that abusive borderlines like to do is hurt themselves or just flat out lie and make you out to be an abusive person. It's far from unheard of for one to cut themselves or punch themselves and claim you are beating them. People have gone to jail over this, because if she is bloodied and crying it'll be her word against yours when the cops come (or her word and the words of her kids if they really do whatever she says), and statistically men are the abusers.

Browsing this sub might be helpful too:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And of course, to be clear for any of our regulars who post here who have BPD or know someone who does, I'm 100% only calling out the abusive ones and the common patterns of behavior they exhibit.

nah no hard feelings whatsoever. i was prolly drinking >_> (bc depression/separation/living at work) and i'm super (irrationally) touchy about autistic ppl bc of my son. but yeah, i've absolutely been through that. like i said, she's agoraphobic, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to leave the house. my aunt died last year, and i came early to help at the celebration of life/funeral thing. i told my wife she could come whenever she felt like it, because i didn't want to make her feel pressured, she flipped her shit, accused me of not "wanting her there" (it's a funeral, wtf?) and that she'd go to her mom's where she's "wanted".
i went home to try to talk her into going, she screamed in my face, i grabbed her by the shoulders and told her to fuckin stop yelling at me, she punched me in the nose, and told me it was self defense and that i hit her first (again, feels super fucked up to have to defend myself, but i 100% did not).

i teared up and she told me "stop being a fucking baby i didnt hit you that hard".

Never get involved with a woman with a kid, let alone four.

Damaged goods for marriage. Hit and quit.

Matter of fact, never get married.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

This. You said you have no one in your corner, but if nothing else TC, your lawyer is in your corner and will help you fight her bs.

And don't let what your future ex-wife is saying scare you. That's just part of the manipulation. The court system still has its flaws, but they don't just unilaterally take the side of women in custody hearing. Follow your lawyer's advice and I'm sure you'll come out on top.

NOM posted...

Never get involved with a woman with a kid, let alone four.

Damaged goods for marriage. Hit and quit.

Matter of fact, never get married.

Also, multiple divorces is a HUGE Red Flag.

Payzmaykr posted...

Youre being held a hostage and youre doing the only thing you can do to save yourself. This isnt stabbing anyone in the back. This isnt running away. This isnt abandoning anyone. This is about getting out of an abusive, cyclic sort of relationship. You cant do it all. A relationship is a two-way thing, and if one party takes and never gives, then things arent going to work.

The secrecy alone seems like a red flag to me. You shouldnt have to be secretly married or hide from her ex.

thanks, that's exactly how i feel, but she guilt trips me and says i'm "abandoning [my] family" and "discarding" her, and i fall into a cycle of guilt.
and regarding the secrecy, i confronted her about how fucked up it was to be married to someone who's having 1) an ex-boyfriend who thinks they're still together pay for her BMW and 2) an ex-husband deployed in the army in Iraq convinced they're going to get back together, and her response is "i did what i had to for my children"

also i'm the most hurtful piece of shit asshole in the world bc i told her i felt like i had a dependent, not a partner, and that she was fucking her kids up with her bullshit

sorry for the blogfaqs and ranting
i've literally not been able to talk about this for 10 years outside of a few randos i met on discord/ffxiv during covid

Oubliettes posted...

also i'm the most hurtful piece of shit asshole in the world bc i told her i felt like i had a dependent, not a partner, and that she was fucking her kids up with her bullshit

sorry for the blogfaqs and ranting
i've literally not been able to talk about this for 10 years outside of a few randos i met on discord/ffxiv during covid

You need to ditch her ASAP.

Get that divorce ASAP, move on with your life.

Try to get custody of your kid.

She needs to get her BPD diagnosed, she's not fit to be a mother if her kids have no IRL friends.

Never get married.

Shit, man. That sucks and sorry you are going through that. Not sure what I can offer that others haven't already except to say it gets better. My marriage wasn't the healthiest for a long while and we had 4 kids together.

After the divorce, I had no friends or family locally, was denied custody other than a few hours a week, and had zero idea how to date (my ex was my first gf and we were basically set up). Things got so much better. I got lots of friends, I learned how to date (a little too much), and I fought a legal battle and have my kids a third of the time. Plus. I am engaged to the most wonderful person ever.

Now my ex wasn't as fucked up as yours clearly is, but she had severe anxiety regarding the children, never once sincerely apologized, made up diagnoses for me, and also made me into a caricature that I am not. This leads into why I didn't have custody before.

The point is this is simply to say that it will get better. And the kids have no damage from the divorce. Just make sure to keep it as cordial as you possibly can even if she does not. It might take awhile, but you will come out better in the end.

Oubliettes posted...

also i'm the most hurtful piece of shit asshole in the world bc i told her i felt like i had a dependent, not a partner, and that she was fucking her kids up with her bullshit

sorry for the blogfaqs and ranting
i've literally not been able to talk about this for 10 years outside of a few randos i met on discord/ffxiv during covid

Don't EVER apologize for sharing these kind of things on CE (or anywhere), it's outright abuse

Blogfaqs the fuck out of this, bro. If typing this out to CE is helpful in any way, just go to town. I'm tagging it to read at least.

Oubliettes posted...

thanks, that's exactly how i feel, but she guilt trips me and says i'm "abandoning [my] family" and "discarding" her, and i fall into a cycle of guilt.
and regarding the secrecy, i confronted her about how fucked up it was to be married to someone who's having 1) an ex-boyfriend who thinks they're still together pay for her BMW and 2) an ex-husband deployed in the army in Iraq convinced they're going to get back together, and her response is "i did what i had to for my children"

I honestly dont think its even a safe situation when you consider all of the players involved. Youve got two guys who think theyre in a relationship with her and could turn up at any time.

You would have been well within your rights to ask her to call the ex BF and explain that they were NOT together. Him thinking that they were together put your life at risk because who knows how he would handle finding out about you? Maybe some people will say this is a toxic take, but her selfish behavior was putting you and your son in danger. If you feel guilty at all, then just remind yourself about the danger.

In addition to that, you could argue that sticking around would even be enabling her behavior. Even though you want out, Im sure you want her to move past this.

Oubliettes posted...

also i'm the most hurtful piece of shit asshole in the world bc i told her i felt like i had a dependent, not a partner, and that she was fucking her kids up with her bullshit

sorry for the blogfaqs and ranting
i've literally not been able to talk about this for 10 years outside of a few randos i met on discord/ffxiv during covid

I agree with the others. Don't apologize for ranting about this. If you've been holding it in for 10 years, it's probably a good thing to let it out somewhere.

Im struggling to understand what you saw in this person in the first place
racist, homophobic, two previous divorces, etc

it all sounds horrible from the jump

TheGoldenEel posted...

Im struggling to understand what you saw in this person in the first place
racist, homophobic, two previous divorces, etc

it all sounds horrible from the jump

she fine as hell >_>
im an insecure nerd

edit: and tbh legit 90% of our issues didn't manifest until after we got married, and prolly 70% of that 90% til after we had a kid
she was radical hippy-dippy left when we met
which kind of flowed along with that movement to its current day antivaxx karen leanings

tbh that's what started our whole divorce timebomb. when covid hit, she was convinced we were all gonna die and we needed to hide out on the farm in the middle of nowhere that her mother owned (who she'd recently reconciled with after not speaking to for ~10 years)

i said i can't quit my job to go hide in a bunker, let's just follow mask/vaccine/lockdown mandates. she refused to get the vaxx, and made me feel shitty for wanting it. when i got it, she got super shitty about it, and went and got one herself, and has never forgiven me for "forcing her" to get one. i never ever intimated that she had to (tbh she doesn't leave the house, who cares), only that i wanted one.

but yeah, she moved to her mom's farm for like 8 months during 2020, and is moving back there tomorrow.

Whoa, I just read the problems you posted. That is not ok for her to do. I'm sorry that you've had to cut so much from your life in order to try and make it work.

I know I'm not in a position to give advice, but at this point it sounds like it's for the best for you to leave. You can at least get some breathing room, and start rebuilding a life that you never should've had to leave behind. Best wishes for you and the kids.

Oubliettes posted...

im an insecure nerd

You have no reason to be. From the pictures you've posted, and the personality that shines through your posts, you're absolutely a catch. As long as grieve the marriage, and give yourself time to recover, I'm 100% confident you'll bounce back higher than ever.

Sounds like you've been going through some pretty serious emotional abuse, and your needs have not been met (socially, emotionally, or otherwise). That's pretty strong grounds for divorce and I think you're making the right call. Good on you trying to stick it out and keep the kids cared for, but honestly you're better off taking whatever happens in the divorce proceedings and living with it rather than suffering through more of that shit.

There are some truly soul-draining people out there, and your wife/soon-to-be-ex sounds like one of the bad ones.

Holy shit. Post #10 is one of the most toxic relationships I've ever heard. It's good you're not letting her abuse you any more.

Oubliettes posted...

we met when i was 25, she's 4 years older than me and had 4 kids before we met. we moved in together immediately and got married within 6 months of even knowing each other because she quit her job(and hasn't had one in 10 years) and we weren't going to make ends meet unless i claimed the kids on my taxes as stepdad and got like $10k in earned income credit.

Would it be shitty of me to ask how you didn't see this coming, with a start like this? I mean, I hope it goes smoothly, I don't wish suffering just from a bad start, but...

you dont wanna say this out loud cause CE will slaughter u but it's also gonna be awesome not having to raise those kids that aren't yours anymore.

imagine an apt to yourself for 11 out of every 14 days. video games. whiskey. cigars if you want em. chocolate milkshakes. street fighter 6. techno blasting. CE on the big screen. porn. money.

all this is about to be yours.

then when your kid comes around you go full-on dad mode (and always talk nice about the kid's mom), just go decently all out for xmas (like a console or w/e) and all of a sudden you're the good parent.

welcome back to humanity.

I'm only as far as post 10 but I don't know that I need to read beyond it. That's so much to unpack in and of itself and I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that. As shitty as this much be, it was looking very bleak, with no likely signs of improvement. I hope things work out for you for the better. I hope she gets the help she needs. I hope everything goes as well as it can for the kids under the circumstances.

literally everyone's parents are divorced and shit it never hurt nobody

Robot2600 posted...

you dont wanna say this out loud cause CE will slaughter u but it's also gonna be awesome not having to raise those kids that aren't yours anymore.

imagine an apt to yourself for 11 out of every 14 days. video games. whiskey. cigars if you want em. chocolate milkshakes. street fighter 6. techno blasting. CE on the big screen. porn. money.

all this is about to be yours.

then when your kid comes around you go full-on dad mode (and always talk nice about the kid's mom), just go decently all out for xmas (like a console or w/e) and all of a sudden you're the good parent.

welcome back to humanity.

Kinda true. Although, you don't have to be a fat, alcoholic shut-in! Lol

Get out and live your life on your non-dad time.

Although, how is she going to handle the kids on her time without you if she can't leave the damn house?

Oubliettes posted...

oh i forgot to mention she literally put a fuckin bug (as in, recording device) in my car because im just gonna go "MEET SOME WHORES" in the 10 minutes it takes me to get home from work or something idk
sorry i'm just really fuckin buttmad about being told i'm worse than a fuckin dude that would knock up another girl while he was married because i had the gall to flirt, on discord and never even close to in person, while separated with the intent to divorce for months

I need to ask. Was she pretty attractive?

did she just have titties the size of jupiter or what

bsp77 posted...

Shit, man. That sucks and sorry you are going through that. Not sure what I can offer that others haven't already except to say it gets better. My marriage wasn't the healthiest for a long while and we had 4 kids together.

After the divorce, I had no friends or family locally, was denied custody other than a few hours a week, and had zero idea how to date (my ex was my first gf and we were basically set up). Things got so much better. I got lots of friends, I learned how to date (a little too much), and I fought a legal battle and have my kids a third of the time. Plus. I am engaged to the most wonderful person ever.

Now my ex wasn't as fucked up as yours clearly is, but she had severe anxiety regarding the children, never once sincerely apologized, made up diagnoses for me, and also made me into a caricature that I am not. This leads into why I didn't have custody before.

The point is this is simply to say that it will get better. And the kids have no damage from the divorce. Just make sure to keep it as cordial as you possibly can even if she does not. It might take awhile, but you will come out better in the end.

thanks man, and yeah i totally got hit with the same stuff. she told me not too long ago that i should get tested for autism because she's "desperate for a reason to believe that you're not just an asshole" lol. and yeah, it's rough sometimes to keep it civil. i stopped replying a few hours ago bc she called to talk about who's taking the cats and somehow she turned it into a two hour argument about how i'm a psychopath for not being sad that we're getting a divorce lol

Guide posted...

Would it be shitty of me to ask how you didn't see this coming, with a start like this? I mean, I hope it goes smoothly, I don't wish suffering just from a bad start, but...

well you see thats because

coolcono posted...

I need to ask. Was she pretty attractive?

yes. she is incredibly good looking

Just look at Johnny Depp & Amber Heard fiasco.

No amount of beauty is worth that Toxic Craziness.

Oubliettes posted...

word thx

thanks. not really lol but its ok lol. i'm not really emotionally hurt i guess? just sucks because we got a kid and idk i feel shitty about it because she doesn't want a divorce (at this particular point in time, more on that later)

hard to explain w/o going into full details, but to cut to the chase:

we met when i was 25, she's 4 years older than me and had 4 kids before we met. we moved in together immediately and got married within 6 months of even knowing each other because she quit her job(and hasn't had one in 10 years) and we weren't going to make ends meet unless i claimed the kids on my taxes as stepdad and got like $10k in earned income credit. she became increasingly agoraphobic to the point that we havent gone out since 2013, and refuses to seek treatment.

around this time i learned that her car was not her own, that her ex was paying for it, and i had to hide any time a truck that even looked like his pulled into the parking lot in case it was him showing up. i also wasn't allowed to tell anyone we were married (not even my parents) because she was afraid her ex husband (different guy) would find out.

anyways yeah, we didn't go anywhere and she got pissed if i left by myself (to the point that she'd threaten suicide), so i quit my band (not anything special but it was important to me at the time), and havent seen any of my friends in nearly a decade, to take care of her+kids.

she got pregnant after like a year and half of marriage and our son was born 3 months early. the pregnancy was incredibly traumatic (for both of us, moreso her obviously) and neither of us ever really recovered from it. she came into the marriage with a ton of baggage (wasn't talking to any of her family), and routinely had meltdowns where she'd threaten suicide like i mentioned, breakdown over grievances she had against her mother, her father, her sister, her exes, and refuse to speak to me for days, or have panic attacks over lights in the sky she thought were UFOs she was convinced were coming to kill us.

top all that off with her routinely "dying" from undiagnosed medical issues (stomach pains, lethargy, etc.) that she refused to seek medical treatment for, which was somehow my fault, and it boiled into a massive mountain of resentment.

she'd always accuse me of being a robot or emotionless or gay because i rarely wanted to have sex, but mostly it was because i was A) mad, and B) she only wanted to have missionary sex with the lights off and she cried the whole time because it made her too "emotional", and i stopped wanting to because it felt like a chore and the crying stuff made it incredibly uncomfortable.

anyways, we had a kid about 7 1/2 years ago, and for the first ~5 years i did everything. i did all the grocery shopping, most of the cooking (unless we were eating takeout), took him and the other kids to school, went to all the school conferences, therapies, doctor visits, etc.
and she couldn't even be assed to wake up before noon to get my son dressed for preschool, so i'd have to take all of my lunch break to go home, wake him up, get him dressed, and take him to school.

when COVID hit, and my job went on lockdown, we argued constantly, and i told her how pissed i was, she said "fine lets get a divorce" i said ok, so she moved in with her mom about 3 hours away.
in the intervening time, i talked to some people online about it, and ended up semi-flirting with someone (in my head, at the time, we were getting a divorce, and had been physically separated for months)

i told this person after like two weeks that i wasn't comfortable with meeting/dating anyone until i was divorced and that was that. about 6 months later my wife and i reconciled. she got on my computer, went through all my shit, and has berated me for two years for giving her the worst betrayal she's ever received in her life (even though her ex husband got another girl pregnant while they were married, and her mom took out a bunch of credit cards with her social security number, me flirting with someone online, while we were separated, was somehow worse)

she guilt tripped me into coming back, saying i was abandoning my family, etc. 2 years later we still fight about the same shit, she threatened divorce, i said ok. she told me to talk to an attorney and file, i said ok. i got divorce papers to fill out, and now she doesn't want a divorce, and i'm just so fuckin done.

You lasted longer than I would have. Brave man.

Oubliettes posted...

thx all! my attorney wants to be an asshole but tbh i just want it over

You should let the rules lawyer go ham if they want to. Let them come in hard with the big ask, and then you can guarantee that you get something thats really important. In this case, my suggestion would be strict boundaries.

NeoShadowhen posted...

You should let the rules lawyer go ham if they want to. Let them come in hard with the big ask, and then you can guarantee that you get something thats really important. In this case, my suggestion would be strict boundaries.

You probably do need to be somewhat aggressive with the legal. Otherwise, she will push hard and the middle will still be way in her favor. My message about cordial is about communication, especially around children.

I made the mistake of wanting it to be over and then had to pay an extra $10k three years later to fix that mess.

Oubliettes posted...

she only wanted to have missionary sex with the lights off

big dealbreaker, there's other methods in sex that are enjoyable to both parties involved.

kingdrake2 posted...

big dealbreaker, there's other methods in sex that are enjoyable to both parties involved.

i mean, that in and of itself wasnt really a problem, i'm pretty vanilla myself, just kinda boring. it was that + the crying that made it just kinda an awful experience. she would get "overwhelmed with emotion" and just start weeping because it was "so beautiful". which is kind of a sweet sentiment on paper, but not so much in practice. having sex with someone who's crying, even if it's happy tears, just feels uhhh wrong somehow

I got divorced this year and it was a nightmare from start to finish, sorry youre going through this

it takes time but things will get better

VampireCoyote posted...

I got divorced this year and it was a nightmare from start to finish, sorry youre going through this

it takes time but things will get better

thanks! yeah my dad keeps telling me when he got divorced in his twenties he thought his whole life was over, but now he can't even remember being married to her and his life got so much better after he got through it and met my mom.

honestly atm i'm kinda doing that stereotypical "no way in hell am i ever getting married again" thing, but who knows

and i just wanna say big thanks to everyone who's posted even if i missed replying to you. i sincerely appreciate it. like i said, haven't really seen or talked to any of my friends in like 10 years, so just having this topic to vent felt pretty good. honestly i've wanted to write this for like a year lol, but refrained in case there was a chance things would be ok between us. but nah, i got the (stack of) papers sitting here to fill out.

and honestly, she's not as horrible as i've made her out to be here, and i'm certainly no saint. she's got a lot of awesome qualities, and i can be a total emotionless dick. idk feels kinda shitty to feel this way about someone youve been with for so long. i'm just rambling at this point lol

Oubliettes posted...

and honestly, she's not as horrible as i've made her out to be here, and i'm certainly no saint. she's got a lot of awesome qualities, and i can be a total emotionless dick. idk feels kinda shitty to feel this way about someone youve been with for so long. i'm just rambling at this point lol

No, don't do this to yourself. What was being done to you is inhuman and you've lost years of your life to this garbage. Your suffering is valid and you have the right to discuss it.

I almost had a divorce

darkmaian23 posted...

No, don't do this to yourself. What was being done to you is inhuman and you've lost years of your life to this garbage. Your suffering is valid and you have the right to discuss it.

thanks I appreciate it
idk why I feel as guilty as I do for wanting to end it

Oubliettes posted...

idk why I feel as guilty as I do for wanting to end it

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

darkmaian23 posted...

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

idk i just feel bad for her i guess, because (at least according to her) im the love of her life and she wasted her prime on me, and now she has to start her whole life over

i guess she's moving out today
which i guess means i can go home and not live at work and be able to do more than bathe in a sink lol
she took 4/5 cats and left the one that shits himself lmao

Oubliettes posted...

idk i just feel bad for her i guess, because (at least according to her) im the love of her life and she wasted her prime on me, and now she has to start her whole life over

Man....don't...just...no.

Be free of her

MarcoRubio posted...

Man....don't...just...no.

Be free of her

oh im 3000% done
just still feels like shit

I think it is good that he feels bad for her. It shows that he has empathy and can also appreciate maybe how things used to be.

I also think it is good that he accepts some level of responsibility, even if a tiny bit. With my last long term relationship, I blamed her initially because she had a LOT of issues. But somehow we stayed friends and I saw her issues lighten somewhat when dating other guys who knew how to calm her vs agitate her. While I know I did nothing "wrong" per se, I have since realized how I could be better. It is all about self-improvement and accepting responsibility where you can. If you 100% blame the other, you are making yourself powerless.

Take care of yourself and the guilt and crap you're feeling now will go away. She's been abusing you for years, it's not an easy thing to get over. It takes time to heal after being in a toxic relationship.

Good luck, and please feel free to keep venting here at CE if it helps.