Poll of the Day > Say you're in a group of friends and one of them is an ass, what do you do?

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's like an established group of friends and you're just an add-on your friend brought along, to play games and what not.

If one of them is a complete ass and you're forced to interact with them occasionally, what do you do? The dude is very self-centered, tries too hard to be funny, a major power tripper (imagine someone threatening to not heal you in a game unless you do what they say), and overall an ass.

You don't really know the guy; you're just forced to interact sometimes. What do you do? Play nice and get along with it best you can? Bring it up to someone else? Ditch the whole group?

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I was kinda in a situation like that before. I had a job where I was friends with a group of coworkers but most of them have been friends for years before that, anyway, one of the guys is one of those assholes that has to be a contrarian just for the sake of it. Everyone would argue with him, call him an idiot, etc. Not sure why he was even part of the group tbh.

Like 1 time we were at a house party and he started a whole argument about how DLC is good, and literally no one agreed with him but it went on for like an hour.

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Well if someone is being abusive or a bully to others I think the best thing is to call them out on it. The way they react to that is up to them.

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I put them on Ignore

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ride him and make him plow my fields

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Considering by your example the asshole is a long time part of their friend circle but I'm only a tag-along, I'd just stop associating with that group entirely.

It's not really my place to tell them that someone they've known for years is an asshole (they either already know and don't care or aren't going to accept the opinion of someone they barely know), and if I try to push the issue hard they're all just going to wind up thinking -I'm- the asshole.

So I'm basically left with the choice of just trying to put up with their shit or walk away, and I'm not so desperate for friends that I'm willing to tolerate bullshit for the sake of getting along with a bunch of other people I barely know/care about.
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ParanoidObsessive posted...

Considering by your example the asshole is a long time part of their friend circle but I'm only a tag-along, I'd just stop associating with that group entirely.

It's not really my place to tell them that someone they've known for years is an asshole (they either already know and don't care or aren't going to accept the opinion of someone they barely know), and if I try to push the issue hard they're all just going to wind up thinking -I'm- the asshole.

So I'm basically left with the choice of just trying to put up with their shit or walk away, and I'm not so desperate for friends that I'm willing to tolerate bullshit for the sake of getting along with a bunch of other people I barely know/care about.

This, it might suck but sometimes you just have to cut certain people out of your life.

Cruddy_horse posted...

This, it might suck but sometimes you just have to cut certain people out of your life.

Absolutely.

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kiss them

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I wouldnt recommend just leaving the group if you like the group. Cause the person will still be there until they force someone else to leave and the whole group just unravels. It happens to a lot of friend groups.

If someone is mistreating others the best way to actually put a stop to it is call it out honestly and directly for everyone to see.

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Mead posted...

someone is mistreating others the best way to actually put a stop to it is call it out honestly and directly for everyone to see.

Yeah, this. It might be that the group is waiting for someone to call the guy out. If you call him out and everyone turns on you, then screw 'em all.

And once in every long while the guy cares enough about what his friends think of him to change to a degree. Stranger things have happened.

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Mead posted...

I wouldnt recommend just leaving the group if you like the group.

"you're just an add-on your friend brought along"

Presumably you don't know anyone in the group well enough to like them all that much.

And it's not really your job to try to maintain and repair the social dynamics of mostly strangers just because it's making you uncomfortable. If anything, that in itself is kind of meddlesome asshole behavior.



Mead posted...

Cause the person will still be there until they force someone else to leave and the whole group just unravels.

"It's like an established group of friends"

You're kind of presuming a great deal. First, that anyone else in the group is even bothered by the things that are bothering you. Second, that they haven't already long since come to terms with that person's quirks or flaws and decided they don't matter all that much. Third, that anyone else is going to inevitably get sick of their crap and break up their entire friend group in spite of the fact that they've apparently managed to overlook it for quite a while already (lots of friend groups have "that one friend" that everyone mostly tolerates more than likes, usually based on the fact that they've been friends for years and have seen and done a ton of stuff together already).

Fourth, that the flaws you see in that person exist anywhere outside of playing games (which is apparently the only way you've interacted with these people). Maybe the person is an absolute saint 90% of the time, and just gets overly competitive or stubborn when playing games (or possibly only when playing certain types of games). Or maybe they're just acting like an asshole because they don't like YOU - after all, you're the only new variable in play.

And again, it's really not your responsibility or your place to walk into a long-term group and start swinging your dick around pointing out all the things you think are problems. Even if you're right, they're still far more likely to think you're the asshole (and maybe even get pissed at the friend who brought you along in the first place).

You're just as likely to ruin the group yourself and leave all of these people hating you as you are to actually fix anything. Even if the most likely scenario is that they just invite you to kindly fuck off.



Mead posted...

If someone is mistreating others the best way to actually put a stop to it is call it out honestly and directly for everyone to see.

The person in question isn't likely to give a shit about your opinions, and the rest of the group have either already long since noticed the things you've only just picked up on via the most shallow of interactions, or are so oblivious that they won't even remotely care about you essentially whining about how their friend is a big meanie.

You're far more likely to cause problems than you are to solve them by trying to force a confrontation.
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If you are an add-on to the group, it is highly likely that you actually have no idea what that person is like due to your limited interaction with them. I can name numerous times my first impressions of people where completely wrong when I actually took the time to be around and understand them. Both for good and bad. Plus, who are you to say who should and shouldn't be friends with someone? Clearly they see something in them that you don't, so you can either take the time to understand what that is, or just ignore them and go do your own thing.

It takes more energy to hate someone then to just ignore them and live your life like you normally do.

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I think PO is right here. A lot of conversations he turns into it being about himself and the topic changes once he's done speaking. Like someone can't vent about how hard their day was without him one upping them ("Oh boohoo? You had a hard day? Well I had to blah blah blah."). After that, there's no going back to comfort the person since we just changed topics.

I think people understand who he is and have kinda accepted it. I don't think they're awaiting a shake-up. Probably just short some players for a game and my friend decided to ask me to join. Maybe Dikitain is right too. It's only been a few months and I haven't ever actually had a 1-on-1 conversation with him (but my interest for it is very low).

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ParanoidObsessive posted...

"you're just an add-on your friend brought along"

Presumably you don't know anyone in the group well enough to like them all that much.

And it's not really your job to try to maintain and repair the social dynamics of mostly strangers just because it's making you uncomfortable. If anything, that in itself is kind of meddlesome asshole behavior.

"It's like an established group of friends"

You're kind of presuming a great deal. First, that anyone else in the group is even bothered by the things that are bothering you. Second, that they haven't already long since come to terms with that person's quirks or flaws and decided they don't matter all that much. Third, that anyone else is going to inevitably get sick of their crap and break up their entire friend group in spite of the fact that they've apparently managed to overlook it for quite a while already (lots of friend groups have "that one friend" that everyone mostly tolerates more than likes, usually based on the fact that they've been friends for years and have seen and done a ton of stuff together already).

Fourth, that the flaws you see in that person exist anywhere outside of playing games (which is apparently the only way you've interacted with these people). Maybe the person is an absolute saint 90% of the time, and just gets overly competitive or stubborn when playing games (or possibly only when playing certain types of games). Or maybe they're just acting like an asshole because they don't like YOU - after all, you're the only new variable in play.

And again, it's really not your responsibility or your place to walk into a long-term group and start swinging your dick around pointing out all the things you think are problems. Even if you're right, they're still far more likely to think you're the asshole (and maybe even get pissed at the friend who brought you along in the first place).

You're just as likely to ruin the group yourself and leave all of these people hating you as you are to actually fix anything. Even if the most likely scenario is that they just invite you to kindly fuck off.

The person in question isn't likely to give a shit about your opinions, and the rest of the group have either already long since noticed the things you've only just picked up on via the most shallow of interactions, or are so oblivious that they won't even remotely care about you essentially whining about how their friend is a big meanie.

You're far more likely to cause problems than you are to solve them by trying to force a confrontation.

tbh, youre speaking from a place of rationality

I am not. I read this topic and all I can think is Omg this is about me, Im the terrible jerk TC is talking about, people hate my guts and I deserve complete loneliness

I know. Im trying to work on that. But Im not all the way there yet.

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ParanoidObsessive posted...

"you're just an add-on your friend brought along"

Presumably you don't know anyone in the group well enough to like them all that much.

And it's not really your job to try to maintain and repair the social dynamics of mostly strangers just because it's making you uncomfortable. If anything, that in itself is kind of meddlesome asshole behavior.

"It's like an established group of friends"

You're kind of presuming a great deal. First, that anyone else in the group is even bothered by the things that are bothering you. Second, that they haven't already long since come to terms with that person's quirks or flaws and decided they don't matter all that much. Third, that anyone else is going to inevitably get sick of their crap and break up their entire friend group in spite of the fact that they've apparently managed to overlook it for quite a while already (lots of friend groups have "that one friend" that everyone mostly tolerates more than likes, usually based on the fact that they've been friends for years and have seen and done a ton of stuff together already).

Fourth, that the flaws you see in that person exist anywhere outside of playing games (which is apparently the only way you've interacted with these people). Maybe the person is an absolute saint 90% of the time, and just gets overly competitive or stubborn when playing games (or possibly only when playing certain types of games). Or maybe they're just acting like an asshole because they don't like YOU - after all, you're the only new variable in play.

And again, it's really not your responsibility or your place to walk into a long-term group and start swinging your dick around pointing out all the things you think are problems. Even if you're right, they're still far more likely to think you're the asshole (and maybe even get pissed at the friend who brought you along in the first place).

You're just as likely to ruin the group yourself and leave all of these people hating you as you are to actually fix anything. Even if the most likely scenario is that they just invite you to kindly fuck off.

The person in question isn't likely to give a shit about your opinions, and the rest of the group have either already long since noticed the things you've only just picked up on via the most shallow of interactions, or are so oblivious that they won't even remotely care about you essentially whining about how their friend is a big meanie.

You're far more likely to cause problems than you are to solve them by trying to force a confrontation.

If your plan is to leave the group what is the harm in confronting anyway?

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Soooooo.

these are not actual friends and there is no bar or alcohol involved?

Stop being a nerd.

go drink some booze and go get some booze and poon.

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