Current Events > How do I break up with someone I don't even want to be friends with? (blogfaqs)

(+) Yeah! (+)

tl;dr: I matched with a loser and dont want to ghost, but also do not want to stay in touch or be friends.

"Break up" is too strong a word because we've never even been out together, but "break it off" wouldn't fit in the topic line.

I accidentally swiped on a gal on Tinder and she immediately messaged me. Im still sort of new to dating sites, so I figured Id talk to her and go on a couple of no-stress dates.

We started texting and I arranged for us to go bowling at a city rec center. I made the reservation (at her request), gave her all the info on when/where to meet and I paid. On the night we were supposed to meet up, I get a message ten minutes after our meeting time saying that her parents (!) wouldnt drop her off (!) because they thought this municipal facility was in a bad area (!).

Then she said she wanted to do a voice/video date first before we met. She suggested playing video games online together. I told her I wasnt into war or cards and that, while I have Steam, Im on a Mac, so I can only download certain games. She has no job, so I figured shed take it on herself to do the research about what games might be good for us. And, I didnt mention it, but she did sort of owe me $30 for the date she let her parents let her flake on (plot twist: Im the only person on Tinder with a legitimate claim to ask for Steam codes :P). She did not do any searching or research; she suggested two or three games that werent compatible and asked me about how much some others cost. So we just played Hearthstone, since she likes it, its got free to play versions and has a low barrier to entry.

Every time I ask her what shes doing or what she has planned, she says I dont know, probably video games, which is just a really, really pathetic existence when youre grown. Even if youre big into games, you need to have another job or hobby or goal of some kind.

She said she was 27 on her profile, but she isnt a student where she said she was (and is only a BA student from what shes said, not a grad student which her age would indicate) and wasnt able to convincingly describe any classes shes ever taken. She has a messy room in her pictures and dresses very plainly in her pictures (still never saw her in real life). Im wondering if shes a minor. I dont want anything at all to do with any sort of anything with that. Even if shes an adult, Im not interested in a racist, dependent, unambitious loser.

Shes still texting me sometimes and Im responding less and less. But ghosting is BS, so I want to give her an actual breaking-it-off message. But, jeez, Im not looking to stay in touch.

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Just ghost.

Or if you're really against that send a text explaining that this relationship isn't going anywhere and you're moving on. Then ghost.

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You are taking this way too seriously

"Hey I don't see this going anywhere, good luck out there"

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Link her to this topic.

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Sounds like she's dodging a bullet.

VanananaHeyHey posted...

She said she was 27 on her profile, but she isnt a student where she said she was (and is only a BA student from what shes said, not a grad student which her age would indicate)

...Age isn't remotely indicative of what degree you'd have. Was on board with you until you said this dumb shit.
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One_Day_Remains posted...

...Age isn't remotely indicative of what degree you'd have. Was on board with you until you said this dumb shit.

I'm not saying it is, but the fact that she is listed as going to a certain school, but when I ask what she's studying, she demures that she's "going back to school for game design in Fall" but can't describe any past or current classes, it indicates that she is lying about going to school at all and that she's making up an age, since someone aged 27 would at least be able to BS about math or statistics or something (even if they were lying about being in school)

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If you're concerned about her lying about her age, just walk away.

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AldousIsDead posted...

If you're concerned about her lying about her age, just walk away.

Do you think it's worth calling her out on it? It'd be really awkward and mean of me if she is just a 27 year-old who failed to launch.

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Nope, her failings aren't your problem, particularly if you aren't interested in a relationship. Move along.

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this is why I'm upfront about being a loser
they'll find out in the end anyway

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trappedunderice posted...

Sounds like she's dodging a bullet.

buddy having some sort of standards for the people you're willing to date is not a bad thing

also on topic, I'm pretty bold in general but I'd just tell her that I feel like this is going nowhere and I'm not really interested in taking things further, she can deal with her emotions regarding the matter on her own

VanananaHeyHey posted...

Do you think it's worth calling her out on it? It'd be really awkward and mean of me if she is just a 27 year-old who failed to launch.

I wouldn't call it out now as this is already smoldering...what's keeping you from sending the "I don't feel this going anywhere, good luck in the future" message?

Is she hot?

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rexcrk posted...

Is she hot?

I matched accidentally, but I'm not hot either, so whatever. I do have better posture, though, so take that as you will.

Ruvan22 posted...

what's keeping you from sending the "I don't feel this going anywhere, good luck in the future" message?

I've been busy so I've been putting off messaging almost anyone, but I guess I've also been wondering whether I should give her any feedback about not standing people up. I'm leaning 'no' because that sounds super cringe and obnoxious, but I've mostly just been inactive because of other reasons.

I'll just rip off the Band-Aid this afternoon or tonight after work.

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ROOTFayth posted...

also on topic, I'm pretty bold in general but I'd just tell her that I feel like this is going nowhere and I'm not really interested in taking things further, she can deal with her emotions regarding the matter on her own

Yeah, nothing like being direct. I don't usually spare people's feelings in friendships or at work, but I guess I'm just a softie on dates. Can't be a doormat.

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If she's 27, she should really be working. Does she look young?

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TerraSeeker posted...

If she's 27, she should really be working. Does she look young?

I'm not great at telling. She doesn't look young enough to be a minor, but she only has two pictures. No makeup, not smiling. So sometimes a 16 or 17 year-old who doesn't sleep or drink water can look like a 24 or 27 year-old who doesn't have good posture, you know?

It wasn't her appearance, but the fact that she was just so painfully awkward and dependent on her parents that made me start wondering. Then her inability to describe any type of schooling (see post #7) or real goals made me remember when my friends and I would pretend to be older than we were as teenagers.

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As someone who had to scramble to throw a life together in his late 20s, I would say just ghost and be done with it. Mine was due to medical shit, but the situation just bleeds drama even if you try to avoid it, and trying to break it off gently is going to lead to you getting dragged in.

Text her and say hey my bad this isnt working, enjoy your life! and move on.


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She is a stranger on the internet. Are you actually friends?
Probably not.
Just tell her you looking for someone who has their life together more and that is it.

You're mistake was responding in the first place. But the fact you want to send a message to let her know shows you have a conscience. Just do it as soon as possible.

Wait whats the story with her being racist, did I miss something?

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Shezarr posted...

Wait whats the story with her being racist, did I miss something?

Her parents didn't want to drop her off in "a bad neighborhood."

-It's not a bad neighborhood; it's a Black neighborhood.
-It's not a bad part of the city; it's across from some city-maintained basketball courts and the date was taking place in a city-run community center.
-It was 6:00 p.m. on a Friday in Summer, practically broad daylight. Even if it were a bad neighborhood, you're not going to suffer a random hit and run in the 15' you walk from the curb to the front entrance of a non-partisan governmental building.
-If someone is going to profess to being a student at the university in the city, they have got to learn to override their parents' discomfort about going to novel areas that have some risk.

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I honestly wouldnt be able to deal with someone whos that age and doesnt drive. Thats a huge red flag for me. It wouldnt be SO bad, I guess, if they lived really close. But at that point youd basically be her parent

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No public transportation?

Njolk posted...

You are taking this way too seriously

"Hey I don't see this going anywhere, good luck out there"

This. Don't have to ghost. Just say that it's not going anywhere

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it seems like she doesnt want to
meet you, tell her that and you are going to hang out with someone in person

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rexcrk posted...

I honestly wouldnt be able to deal with someone whos that age and doesnt drive. Thats a huge red flag for me. It wouldnt be SO bad, I guess, if they lived really close. But at that point youd basically be her parent

Itp: what is public transport and lyft
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celestia3 posted...

I'm not great at telling. She doesn't look young enough to be a minor, but she only has two pictures. No makeup, not smiling. So sometimes a 16 or 17 year-old who doesn't sleep or drink water can look like a 24 or 27 year-old who doesn't have good posture, you know?

It wasn't her appearance, but the fact that she was just so painfully awkward and dependent on her parents that made me start wondering. Then her inability to describe any type of schooling (see post #7) or real goals made me remember when my friends and I would pretend to be older than we were as teenagers.

I have noticed a lot of young people looking older than they should with extra weight and poor skin. When I was their age, I did not look like that. Apparently I look like I could be 20 or so, but I think that just a testament to the average person not taking care of themselves.

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VanananaHeyHey posted...

Every time I ask her what shes doing or what she has planned, she says I dont know, probably video games, which is just a really, really pathetic existence when youre grown.

._.

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So you haven't met her? Stop being so serious lmfao

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VanananaHeyHey posted...

On the night we were supposed to meet up, I get a message ten minutes after our meeting time saying that her parents (!) wouldnt drop her off (!) because they thought this municipal facility was in a bad area (!).

You should have said "Thanks for wasting my time, bye" and blocked her.

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ApherosyLove posted...

._.

I think what TC is trying to convey is that it's pathetic if you're not ambitious or planning on doing anything more with your life besides gaming. Not that it's pathetic for gaming to be your primary hobby
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One_Day_Remains posted...

Itp: what is public transport and lyft

I mean, yeah if the girl is able to get herself onto public transportation or get herself another service, thats one thing.

But *I* was talking about girls who arent even capable of handling that being a red flag.

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Holy shit,

Just grow up and say you don't feel a connection.