Current Events > Dating is awkward

(+) Yeah! (+)

First off, I'm nervous about what kind of guy I should be or what feels natural vs what my anxiety is holding me back from. Am I supposed to be cool and composed and smooth and making her feel all the right things? Is it okay that I also don't know where this is going or what I want? I wanna be close and physical, is it early or am I overthinking? Idk this person either and if I'm sharing myself, feels awkward to pretend like some guy I'm not.

It's also taxing to talk to someone I don't know for hours. I need silences, breaks, other shit to do. I don't even really need to know everything about a person and ask endless questions or constantly be like "what about you?" for questions they ask me. A lot of times you get to know people through their vibe, reactions, and relations, not necessarily them telling you about themselves.

Idk I think I might die alone lol

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You shouldn't have to be anything other than yourself.

After initially embellishing all your stories to make yourself seem more interesting.


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Okay, you've brought up a lot of things here:

#1 with a bullet - The first date will. Always. Be. Awkward. Especially if you're meeting via app/blind date. The two of you are in the "making sure this person isn't crazy" mode and you're both very very guarded. Do not expect much, and don't feel you have to offer much. You can talk about interests, current events, the things you see in front of you.

#2 - You are "supposed to be" the you you want other people to see. That will mean mostly "being professional". For a first date, that can be the person you are at work when, say, meeting a new employee or someone from another office to work together with. There's no need to oversell or overdo it, but most people (myself included) do anyway without thinking, and that's okay.

#3 - Being close and physical, if you're seeking women, will require a barrier-breaking initially, because a lot of women are guarded against men getting physical too quickly. I would let her make the first move, even if it's just a gesture getting closer, such as moving closer to you, reaching out, moving to spread her arms as if in a hug. You'll have to meet her halfway, of course, and it will be awkward. That's fine.

#4 - I actually made the topic of "what I want" a week or so ago so I don't know if I'm in the best position to answer the "should I know what I want" question, but really it has to do with your experience level. If you've dated others before, think about what you really liked about being with those people, and what you didn't like about being with those people, and that can be "what you want". And it doesn't have to be "marriage" as an answer.

#5 - Pick a first date where you're not just sitting with each other. Go on a walk, whether it's outdoors or indoors like at a mall. In these cases, you can use the environment as inspiration for subjects to talk about (just don't make flat observations like "look a tree!") And it's okay to say "Sorry I'm a quiet person normally, this is new to me." You'd be surprised how many of those people are in the world and would understand.

I was on a date this past weekend meeting a woman for the first time and I was all flustered because we kept changing subjects as we each thought of new things to talk about and I think we both felt like we had to stay interesting to each other. But we made it through the first date and we're going to see each other again, and the second time we'll be able to pick something we're interested in and we'll have broken a comfort barrier.

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One tip I'll throw in there is if you've been talking for 30-45 minutes and she gets to a point where she's smiley and starts laughing at things you say even if they're not funny at all, it usually means she likes you and it's time to break the touch barrier. Nothing creepy, but a light touch that is right for the moment. If you're walking that means holding her hand, sitting near each other may mean arm around her shoulder.

Don't do a hand on knee or thigh yet or you'll probably take a slap to the face. (And rightfully so, learn to control yourself)

For a second date if you trust each other I'd recommend a nice at home setting where you can trade back massages and/or cuddle up. These are critical actions for building trust and attraction.

from third date onward it's usually time to be more aggressive, so long as her body language says she still likes you. Don't wait too long or you'll lose your chance. Be animalistic about it in a playful way; and most of all tease the hell out of her.

Remember every girl is somewhat different, but this approach works at least 9/10 times just playing the psychology alone.

If you don't get a 3rd date it's because they decided they don't see themselves getting naked with you.

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CyricZ posted...

The first date will. Always. Be. Awkward

Not my experience.

CyricZ posted...

You are "supposed to be" the you you want other people to see.

Terrible advice.

Keep in mind that Cyric has never been on a date and his experience with women is pretty much just "sending huggles" to CEgals unrequested though.

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He was talking about the online dates he was doing during lockdown, idk if he did in person ones then.

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Awww did Cyric get mad lol

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I mean, you might come across times where the first date isn't awkward, I suppose, but I guess the thing there is just don't worry if it is, because that's normal.

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CyricZ posted...

Okay, you've brought up a lot of things here:

@CyricZ I actually think this is mostly pretty good, but will just give some different perspectives as everyone is different.

#1 with a bullet - The first date will. Always. Be. Awkward. Especially if you're meeting via app/blind date. The two of you are in the "making sure this person isn't crazy" mode and you're both very very guarded. Do not expect much, and don't feel you have to offer much. You can talk about interests, current events, the things you see in front of you.

So I was with same person from 19 to 39, and never properly dated prior to her. So I was 40 and learning to date for the first time. The first few first dates were awkward for me, but then it got to where I felt that first dates were a rush. So it doesn't have to awkward but I guess that takes experience. Some women are awkward and some are confident. And the more confident you are, the better it goes.

#2 - You are "supposed to be" the you you want other people to see. That will mean mostly "being professional". For a first date, that can be the person you are at work when, say, meeting a new employee or someone from another office to work together with. There's no need to oversell or overdo it, but most people (myself included) do anyway without thinking, and that's okay.

I don't agree with "being professional". The charm I use on co-workers is a little different than dates. I would say to be respectful instead. Don't make it sexual on a first date. Well, unless she does of course. I have had sex on a first date a few times, but it was clearly initiated by her.

#3 - Being close and physical, if you're seeking women, will require a barrier-breaking initially, because a lot of women are guarded against men getting physical too quickly. I would let her make the first move, even if it's just a gesture getting closer, such as moving closer to you, reaching out, moving to spread her arms as if in a hug. You'll have to meet her halfway, of course, and it will be awkward. That's fine.

I agree. Although I will initiate a hug on a first date even if they don't (they almost always do anyway). Speaking of which, if I feel chemistry with the person and I want a second date, I will always kiss them. Oftentimes this just happens by how the date is going and usually they initiate. But if they don't, I use the hug for the kiss. Hug them, and then while still hugging, pull my head back and look at them, if they also pull their head back and look at you, that is a perfect moment to kiss them and they are almost giving permission. To be sure, go in 75% and let them finish the contact. I will say that not everyone can do this, because you need to be able to read women and know if there is chemistry there in the first place.

#4 - I actually made the topic of "what I want" a week or so ago so I don't know if I'm in the best position to answer the "should I know what I want" question, but really it has to do with your experience level. If you've dated others before, think about what you really liked about being with those people, and what you didn't like about being with those people, and that can be "what you want". And it doesn't have to be "marriage" as an answer.

#5 - Pick a first date where you're not just sitting with each other. Go on a walk, whether it's outdoors or indoors like at a mall. In these cases, you can use the environment as inspiration for subjects to talk about (just don't make flat observations like "look a tree!") And it's okay to say "Sorry I'm a quiet person normally, this is new to me." You'd be surprised how many of those people are in the world and would understand.

Personally, I go just for the lame happy hour on a weekday thing. If going well, I suggest dinner. If still going well... Regardless, I like meeting late afternoon to early evening to give it a chance to continue. I hate meeting for coffee or in the morning because it will almost inevitably be cut short as they have plans later. Plus, you know, a little alcohol can help. But I emphasize a little, I don't screw around with drunk women.

I was on a date this past weekend meeting a woman for the first time and I was all flustered because we kept changing subjects as we each thought of new things to talk about and I think we both felt like we had to stay interesting to each other. But we made it through the first date and we're going to see each other again, and the second time we'll be able to pick something we're interested in and we'll have broken a comfort barrier.

I think you are overthinking. Just relax and go with the flow. You'll be fine.

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Hey I'm cool with that. Constructive additions to the conversation are always welcome. :)

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CyricZ posted...

Hey I'm cool with that. Constructive additions to the conversation are always welcome. :)

Good. And your advice is good, especially if he is more hesitant. As you can probably tell, I have become more confident and assertive. The only thing I push back on is the "professional" part because some people are very stoic at work and that could cause issues with him seeming too detached. That is why I say respectful instead. I always respect women no matter what.

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Meh hopefully it gets easier/more natural over time as I become more comfortable with the fact that I can't always be comfortable

I always want to give up but then when I go out and I see couples together and people meeting and vibing, I feel like I'm missing out on some fun part of human life that I can't reach

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bsp77 posted...

because some people are very stoic at work and that could cause issues with him seeming too detached

Y'know what? That's fair. Honestly a lot of my job is being personable to others so I kinda make it almost friendly social in a way.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Meh hopefully it gets easier/more natural over time as I become more comfortable with the fact that I can't always be comfortable

I always want to give up but then when I go out and I see couples together and people meeting and vibing, I feel like I'm missing out on some fun part of human life that I can't reach

You can reach it, but it takes effort. And it really does take effort. However, I always say that if a broken down divorced dude with no self esteem can become a confident "player", then others can have success too.

To be clear, I am no longer a player. That was a one year, post divorce, midlife crisis thing. I am now settled down with a wonderful girlfriend and I also focus on my kids, my friends and myself.

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CyricZ posted...

Y'know what? That's fair. Honestly a lot of my job is being personable to others so I kinda make it almost friendly social in a way.

Wow you make it "almost friendly social" on a date? Fascinating.

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Shezarr posted...

Wow you make it "almost friendly social" on a date? Fascinating.

Hey, he is being helpful and was even respectful to my pushback, so why act like that?

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bsp77 posted...

Hey, he is being helpful and was even respectful to my pushback, so why act like that?

Lol he marked me for trolling earlier in the topic for disagreeing with him (and pointing out certain things about his romantic life), but his advice is also just awful itt

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I'm 29 and have never had a gf. Only hookups. Closest I ever got was 2 girls I met genuinely that kept me around for attention that I was absolutely head over heels for, and one girl I went on 2 dates with, but I wasn't really feeling it cause she thought I was just playing her the 1st date and didn't believe I liked her.

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Shezarr posted...

Lol he marked me for trolling earlier in the topic for disagreeing with him (and pointing out certain things about his romantic life), but his advice is also just awful itt

Ah, well I can't see that post now. Anyway guys, don't bring your larger CE fight to an unrelated topic. I have disagreed with Cyric elsewhere (gunpla cough cough), but I don't let it sour me overall.

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Master Kazuya posted...

I'm 29 and have never had a gf. Only hookups. Closest I ever got was 2 girls I met genuinely that kept me around for attention that I was absolutely head over heels for, and one girl I went on 2 dates with, but I wasn't really feeling it cause she thought I was just playing her the 1st date and didn't believe I liked her.

If you can get hookups, you can get a gf. Just gotta work on the communication and find someone you truly like.

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Master Kazuya posted...

I'm 29 and have never had a gf. Only hookups.

Dude, that is excellent news. If you'd have hookups, you already passed the test on the "hard part" that the foreveralone types fail at.

Like bsp said, if you can get hookups, you can get a gf. Go in with that mindset and you'll feel a lot more comfortable about it.


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I've only ever dated people I was friends with first. That took a lot of that awkwardness away. But I'm a very private person so I would struggle a lot if I dated someone I didn't already know well because it takes me a very long time to open up with people (months up to a year), and that's people I see all the time (like coworkers). Once I've crossed that threshold and open up I tend to be a fairly different person than what they'd seen before that.

The private guarded person that people initially get to know from me is very boring and stiff and it would be very difficult to get or keep the attention of a love interest if I was like that for a while. If I hadnt started dating my wife when I did I think I'd just have been single for the rest of my life. Making friends with women hasn't really been a thing since I finished college.

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Relient_K posted...

I've only ever dated people I was friends with first. That took a lot of that awkwardness away. But I'm a very private person so I would struggle a lot if I dated someone I didn't already know well because it takes me a very long time to open up with people (months up to a year), and that's people I see all the time (like coworkers). Once I've crossed that threshold and open up I tend to be a fairly different person than what they'd seen before that.

The private guarded person that people initially get to know from me is very boring and stiff and it would be very difficult to get or keep the attention of a love interest if I was like that for a while. If I hadnt started dating my wife when I did I think I'd just have been single for the rest of my life. Making friends with women hasn't really been a thing since I finished college.

Yeah from the two I liked, one was a rough situation and my first close female friend ever, the other was a coworker that I got along with really well but she was in the middle of being with another coworker from a different department. I've met some girls through friends' gfs but I think I've struck out with them or didn't do the cool/confident/right thing or whatever.

E_S_M_Z posted...

Dude, that is excellent news. If you'd have hookups, you already passed the test on the "hard part" that the foreveralone types fail at.

Like bsp said, if you can get hookups, you can get a gf. Go in with that mindset and you'll feel a lot more comfortable about it.

I think I use hookups as a way to not be vulnerable ironically enough. I've had more chances over the past few months with girls agreeing to meet up but I just feel so awkward about it. There are currently three new girls that are willing to meet up with me and even then part of me just feels like, what's the point? I'm gonna feel insecure, I'm gonna be worried I'm not some big dick marathon fuck pornstar or something, I might just suddenly in the moment think "do I even care about this", and I'm still gonna be at square 0 afterward.

It's not like I even truly enjoyed each time I've hooked up. Granted a few of them were really good, but just like dates, some of them were just like, I'm nervous and idk who this is and I'm not confident and worried that she wont accept me. Not necessarily bad (two were bad, one was ugly and the other smelled bad so I didn't even do anything with her lol), but just like, I didn't feel that internally satisfied afterward. I've never hooked up with the same girl twice.

I suppose it is better than no sex, but yeah I feel like it's the same internal issues present regardless.

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Hmm. Have you talked to a therapist about this? It's probably a better idea than CE. It doesn't seem your issue is that you can't approach or connect with women. It seems more like you're not sure if you want a relationship.

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Yeah I've been to therapy in my early/mid 20s, it was covered by my school and my parents. Several therapists and one group home because I had suicide ideation. It was helpful but it felt like I got what I could out of it. I've been wanting to go back but I can't really afford it, and the process of finding a therapist you click with is a pain in the ass.

I'm sure I want a relationship if it's with the right person. Idk what my singular issue is lol, I have a lot of em. I'm worried I have too many issues, I'm worried that not many girls are gonna like me, I'm worried that the 1/1000 that does like me I'm gonna screw it up somehow, I'm worried that my lack of dating experience is gonna fuck me over, I'm worried I'm gonna miss my opportunity due to anxiety, I'm worried that I barely can tell what feels natural, etc

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sound advice

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Master Kazuya posted...

I'm 29 and have never had a gf. Only hookups. Closest I ever got was 2 girls I met genuinely that kept me around for attention that I was absolutely head over heels for, and one girl I went on 2 dates with, but I wasn't really feeling it cause she thought I was just playing her the 1st date and didn't believe I liked her.

At least you can get hookups. That's almost where you want to be.

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It's really super easy:

Just. Be. Yourself.
Just not the part of yourself that people don't find attractive

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Yeah there's a lot there, and just from what you're saying it's gonna be hard to peg an angle of trying to get out of this internal slump.

I will say that don't even begin to think that as you approach 30 that you're never going to get out of this. Take it from someone who's 41 and still dating.

Hmm. How often do you hang out with mixed groups of friends? How much do you socialize beyond your romantic pursuits?

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CyricZ posted...

Hmm. How often do you hang out with mixed groups of friends? How much do you socialize beyond your romantic pursuits?

I barely hang out with mixed groups of friends. Any time it's mixed, it's mostly due to a good friend's girlfriend's friends. I have hung out with female friends in the past and also been to parties they invited me to, but those are rather rare and probably wont happen anytime soon.

I socialize generally once a week. Usually just me and a good friend or two just chilling and hanging out, playing random ass video games, smoking/drinking, ordering bomb food, random YT videos, etc. I go out too. I love live music and dancing, especially edm shows, so some of us go do that. Or if other people wanna go out and do something different/random, I'm down for whatever.

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This is why people get drunk on dates. After a few shots of liquid courage you won't care about anything you said in the OP.

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First dates can be a bit of an art. It is a little weird but its a clash of personalities and boils down to intangibles. They can work out great though, and when they dont, its still not a bad feeling, in the moment.

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Master Kazuya posted...

I barely hang out with mixed groups of friends. Any time it's mixed, it's mostly due to a good friend's girlfriend's friends. I have hung out with female friends in the past and also been to parties they invited me to, but those are rather rare and probably wont happen anytime soon.

I socialize generally once a week. Usually just me and a good friend or two just chilling and hanging out, playing random ass video games, smoking/drinking, ordering bomb food, random YT videos, etc. I go out too. I love live music and dancing, especially edm shows, so some of us go do that. Or if other people wanna go out and do something different/random, I'm down for whatever.

I would recommend being more social. Hanging out with a guy and playing videogames barely counts. You mention live music and dancing, but I guess is that that is fairly uncommon.

Have you ever looked into Meetup? I help run one in Minnesota, which is targeted toward people who are more introverted and geeky (I am an extrovert though). We do a wide variety of things (movies, breweries, parties, outdoor events, karaoke, trivia, hiking, pub crawls, etc) and the gender split, especially for the more social activities, is often about 50 / 50. And while coming to Meetup specifically to prowl for women is not allowed, plenty of couples have started based on my group. Regardless of whether that happens or not, I have a ton of real friends from there now, men and women.

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I'd like to meet people more because I'm insanely lonely but there is no time and I'm depressed.

Good luck TC

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joe40001 posted...

I'd like to meet people more because I'm insanely lonely but there is no time and I'm depressed.

Good luck TC

I am sorry you are depressed, which can make it rough, but I am sure you have time. See my Meetup comments above.

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When you meet someone compatible, you usually have a pretty smooth date.

i had one the other week where i just wanted to go home.

i had another where we hit it off immediately and dated for a year and are still friends.

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bsp77 posted...

Have you ever looked into Meetup?

Yeah. The insecurities and anxiety get in the way. I always feel like something about me is not "normal" and I'm terrified of the situation where I go into a Meetup, everybody vibes except me, some guy scoops up a girl I fancy because he's more 'natural' and less hesitant about pursuing her, everybody links up and has a bomb orgy without me and shit, etc, I'm worried about the reaffirmation that I might be weird.

Also in some ways, I feel like the only reason I'd be doing it is to meet women. I don't really care to make new friends. I already have a satisfying number friends and I love them. If other friends come my way, that's great and I embrace it, but I feel no need to make new friends.

It's always been on my mind, but I haven't pulled the trigger. It probably is at least worth trying but I want to be ready too.

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literally just option select everything

being cool with whatever happens is the ultimate Way

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take it from me, just be yourself. If you aren't yourself your just setting yourself up for failure. I've been on a few dates over the years and you can tell within the first couple dates if someone is being genuine or not. One chick said she was a fan of video games and her favorite was Battleblock Theater. Strike One. Played the game with her, and she didn't have a clue how to play the game. Strike two. Everything else about her was strike 3 4 and 5, but I digress.

If your both yourself you will be able to tell real fast if you two jive. I was with one chick last year, we jived really well, but physically not compatible but that's a whole different issue for a different time LOL.

Honestly, everyone goes through that same range of feelings or insecurities, some just have a lot of experience dealing with it so they can manage emotions in the moment and not seem so awkward. As with everything, experience makes a world of difference. So does being open about your feelings, it could be a good ice breaker to just come out and say This is kind of new for me or its been a while since Ive done this sort of thing and that will take the pressure off both parties.

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Returning_CEmen posted...

So does being open about your feelings

Yeah, the more experiences I get, the more this seems like the right path. Acknowledging what I'm feeling and realizing that even if it's not "right", it's still right because it's me and I'm the one feeling it. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be typical and normal and wonder why I'm not there, but my life and experiences are unique to me so just acknowledging and recognizing that I don't need to have it all figured out the way I'm expecting myself to has been good. With the past awkward feelings I've had with meeting girls this past month, my gut has been telling me that maybe I should just acknowledge that I'm nervous/timid around women instead of ignoring that feeling and trying to be super masculine or w/e.

Cause at the end of the day, I'm me no matter what, so even if I 'fake it till I make it', eventually the real me is gonna be what's left, and that's the "me" that matters the most.

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Been going steady for about 12 years.

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