Current Events > I can't stop feeling guilty about my husband being an older dad

(+) Yeah! (+)

I dunno why these thoughts keep racing in my mind.

We are close to having our first child together. In a few months I will be 36 and he will be 49.

I keep thinking about how next year he will be 50 with a one year old. How she will be off to college when he will have retired. How when she will be 30 he will be nearing 80 (if we are all alive by then of course, I know anything can happen at any time). I feel incredible guilt that she will grow up with such an older dad and have less time with him than most other kids get to have with their parents. Their age difference will be more similar to what you have with a grandparent than a parent.

I feel so bad about it. I tell myself at least shes being born into a stable home. We are financially well accomplished and she will have everything she needs, college paid for, etc. My husband also looks much younger, he still has a head full of black hair and only some grey in his beard. Hes very active. But it still makes me feel awful when I really think about things.

Why does that make you feel awful? As long as he wanted kids isnt that all that actually matters?

Sounds like youre just way too into your head.

---

https://youtu.be/L3HQMbQAWRc

---

Did you marry him in your 20s and refuse his request for kids? If not then don't feel guilty.

All dads eventually become older dads anyway. You'll be alright.

---

Considering I didn't have one growing up, you could do a lot worse than an old dad.

---

My dad was late 40s when I was born.

---

Sometimes you have more wisdom coming at that age and the wine may be even sweeter

Its a fact of life of us growing old, as long as you cherish the time you spend together on this Earth you wont regret a single day. Itll take away spending about what if when you got so much fun ahead of you! Kids are thankful to have spent time with family who treats them with respect and share an open mindset of love.

Equip them with the right stuff and they will also be prepared to do the same for their own family someday - seems like your journey as a parent is just starting. They will love and be thankful for all the work you have done.

---

MFBKBass5 posted...

Why does that make you feel awful? As long as he wanted kids isnt that all that actually matters?

Sounds like youre just way too into your head.

Thank you. I probably am. I think its all the hormones. We were talking about her future and it just suddenly hit me how we will be at completely different life stages and it just terrified me. Hes beyond excited about her.

WingsOfGood posted...

Did you marry him in your 20s and refuse his request for kids? If not then don't feel guilty.

Married at 28, started trying at 30 but it took us years due to fertility issues on my end. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. Like if only my body worked right, if only we tried sooner, if only I pushed for better care initially, etc.

Dont feel bad. I feel like ill be in that position in 10 years. He prob decided he wants a kid and is thankful he will have one

---

My dad was 46 was he had me, was dead before I was 30.

---

Also, if he retired when she in her late teens, he will have time to help her and be there for her vs. a younger man still trying to climb corporate missing their kids graduation and stuff.
And when she needs him, he won't be tied up with work.

16-BITTER posted...

Better an older parent that wants and loves a kid than a younger parent that's too selfish and immature to properly care for one.

I know a lot of people who said their parents had them when they were 19-20 and some of the stories they told about growing up were kinda fucked.

This, better he wants children and can provide for them then he is young and dirt poor but also does not want the children.


---

All that really matters is that she has his love and support. I would have chosen an older father who was supportive and caring but died by this point in my life over the father I got and haven't spoken to in years anyway.

Aeriis posted...

Aw, Cleo :(

I'm sure she will be so thankful to have two parents that care so much, are in a stable relationship, have nice careers, etc that she won't even think of his age as possibly having less time to spend with him

besides, it sounds like your husband takes care of himself and so he'll be an active dad for a long time

Thank you <3

Yeah he still goes mountain biking most weekends. His heart is in great shape and no health conditions. Could maybe lose 20 lbs but thats it.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

This is what I tell myself too. My dad wasnt the best. He likes to be a long distance dad. Never involved in anything to do with us other than send money while we were growing up and maybe see us a couple of hours every week or two. My husband will be the complete opposite of that

ThePieReborn posted...

My dad was late 40s when I was born.

How was that for you growing up?

DravenRainrix posted...

My dad was 46 was he had me, was dead before I was 30.

Im sorry. How did it feel to lose him that young? How was your relationship with him otherwise?

WingsOfGood posted...

Also, if he retired when she in her late teens, he will have time to help her and be there for her vs. a younger man still trying to climb corporate missing their kids graduation and stuff.
And when she needs him, he won't be tied up with work.

This is true too and what I try to tell myself as well. At least he will have a lot of time to dedicate for her without work in the way. Thanks for the reminder

Cleo_II posted...

How did it feel to lose him that young? How was your relationship with him otherwise?

He was born in 1933.
I was born in 1979.
There was nothing in common between our life experiences. He couldn't accept life in the late 80s and 90s were different to his childhood in the 40s. He expected bike rides and picnics and a ripping good adventure like some Enid blyton fairy tale, the reality was drugs, rave music and violence. We fought more than anything else. He was a child of Victorian parents, stiff upper lip, lack of affection, children seen and not heard. There was a huge disconnect between us.
Last words he said to me as he lay in a care home slowly passing away,
"You ruined my life"

But... And I hasten to add this, that's my dad, no one else's, he was what he was, he knew war, violence, serving in the military, death and discipline. He typified british coldness and lack of emotion. Other older dad's will be completely and entirely.different, but they will all run the risk of leaving their child earlier than dad's much younger than them. My best friends dad was 17byears older than my best friend. They'd hit pubs and bars and music venues together, football games and holidays. I never had that.

And that's enough sharing for one day.

---

party_animal07 posted...

Considering I didn't have one growing up, you could do a lot worse than an old dad.

RiKuToTheMiGhtY posted...

This, better he wants children and can provide for them then he is young and dirt poor but also does not want the children.

Tenlaar posted...

All that really matters is that she has his love and support. I would have chosen an older father who was supportive and caring but died by this point in my life over the father I got and haven't spoken to in years anyway.

These are all true too. Thats how my husband sees it. He never met his bio dad. His parents were 18 when they had him and his dad was in a gang so his mom kept him away. All he knows is that he was murdered by the time my husband was 18. I think Im too in my head as someone else mentioned.

My dad was in his mid 40s when i was born

If anything being older gave him a more level head, he was a great dad

Just make sure he's taking care of himself
---

Cleo_II posted...

How was that for you growing up?

I wasn't very physical growing up (as indicated by my being on this site), so I never felt that his age impacted his being dad. Honestly growing up isn't the problem; It's him being 72 right now with his eyesight going (macular degeneration) that's giving me issues. I'm... not in the soundest state of mind in present times, and I can barely take care of myself mentally without losing my shit over the fact that the illusion of my parents being there is going to shatter within the near future.

---

My dad was 46 when I was born. There will be some challenges, he'll have less energy. but it's hardly the worst thing. And he chose to wait this long, anyway.

I think, in all honesty, the personality of he who is becoming dad is more important than the age.
If he's a good man, fun, understanding and loving, he'll be amazing m, even if his knees can't keep up with playing football anymore..

---

I understand how you feel, and in a way I'm glad; it shows you're such a caring person.

I can only say this as a 41-year-old, but if I had the opportunity tomorrow to be a father, I'd take it.

For some people, that it happens is enough. Doesn't matter when.

---

DravenRainrix posted...

He was born in 1933.
I was born in 1979.
There was nothing in common between our life experiences. He couldn't accept life in the late 80s and 90s were different to his childhood in the 40s. He expected bike rides and picnics and a ripping good adventure like some Enid blyton fairy tale, the reality was drugs, rave music and violence. We fought more than anything else. He was a child of Victorian parents, stiff upper lip, lack of affection, children seen and not heard. There was a huge disconnect between us.
Last words he said to me as he lay in a care home slowly passing away,
"You ruined my life"

But... And I hasten to add this, that's my dad, no one else's, he was what he was, he knew war, violence, serving in the military, death and discipline. He typified british coldness and lack of emotion. Other older dad's will be completely and entirely.different, but they will all run the risk of leaving their child earlier than dad's much younger than them. My best friends dad was 17byears older than my best friend. They'd hit pubs and bars and music venues together, football games and holidays. I never had that.

And that's enough sharing for one day.

Im sorry your relationship with him was so strained. I can see my husband having a hard time with the generation gap as well. But I do see him making comments about how he needs to learn to be better about it for her sake. I think they will butt heads for sure but I can see him at least making an effort.

He also talks a lot about how he wants her to have a healthy self esteem and realizes his role in that. So I hope he can adjust. Hes not the best with empathy and he knows it.

Thank you for sharing.

g980 posted...

My dad was in his mid 40s when i was born

If anything being older gave him a more level head, he was a great dad

Just make sure he's taking care of himself

Thats awesome, glad you had a good relationship with him.

He does need to take better care of himself. He stopped doing annual physicals and wont get his vision tested. His excuse for the past year has been covid. But he wasnt doing it before either. I plan on being that naggy wife once things are better with the pandemic and force him to go lol

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Thank you for sharing your experience. That does make me feel a lot better

ThePieReborn posted...

I wasn't very physical growing up (as indicated by my being on this site), so I never felt that his age impacted his being dad. Honestly growing up isn't the problem; It's him being 72 right now with his eyesight going (macular degeneration) that's giving me issues. I'm... not in the soundest state of mind in present times, and I can barely take care of myself mentally without losing my shit over the fact that the illusion of my parents being there is going to shatter within the near future.

Im sorry to hear that about your dad :(
*hugs*

wow

Cleo_II posted...

I dunno why these thoughts keep racing in my mind.

We are close to having our first child together. In a few months I will be 36 and he will be 49.

I keep thinking about how next year he will be 50 with a one year old. How she will be off to college when he will have retired. How when she will be 30 he will be nearing 80 (if we are all alive by then of course, I know anything can happen at any time). I feel incredible guilt that she will grow up with such an older dad and have less time with him than most other kids get to have with their parents. Their age difference will be more similar to what you have with a grandparent than a parent.

I feel so bad about it. I tell myself at least shes being born into a stable home. We are financially well accomplished and she will have everything she needs, college paid for, etc. My husband also looks much younger, he still has a head full of black hair and only some grey in his beard. Hes very active. But it still makes me feel awful when I really think about things.

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

I lost my mom when I was 7. Life goes on.

You should just be living today but whatever. You do you. You wanna live in those thoughts fine.

---

AzurexNightmare posted...

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

I lost my mom when I was 7. Life goes on.

You should just be living today but whatever. You do you. You wanna live in those thoughts fine.

Im sorry you lost your mom so young. I know anything can happen at any time and I recognize that my thoughts arent healthy. Its why I appreciate those who took some time to help me feel better and share their experience, vs coming in with just a snarky response for the sake of it.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Aww thank you! Fighting guilt over my fertility issues has been a battle for sure. It comes and goes. I think its that we literally hit the 5 year mark of when we first decided to start trying, so its all hitting me I guess. I know Im just being super hormonal too (I cry about all sorts of random shit lately LOL). So appreciate the kind words. More than anything Im just glad shes finally almost here.

One of my friends has parents that are the same age as my grandparents. Despite being older than most parents they gave him a great life and are super sweet. The most important thing is that your babygirl knows she is loved and cared for.

My dad was 52 when I was born (and 57 when my sister was born). He made it to 95.

My husband was 45 when our first was born (47 for our 2nd). I never even considered it old.
---

Cleo_II posted...

Im sorry you lost your mom so young. I know anything can happen at any time and I recognize that my thoughts arent healthy. Its why I appreciate those who took some time to help me feel better and share their experience, vs coming in with just a snarky response for the sake of it.

Aww thank you! Fighting guilt over my fertility issues has been a battle for sure. It comes and goes. I think its that we literally hit the 5 year mark of when we first decided to start trying, so its all hitting me I guess. I know Im just being super hormonal too (I cry about all sorts of random shit lately LOL). So appreciate the kind words. More than anything Im just glad shes finally almost here.

I crapped my pants ok. That's why I was snarky

---

I wouldnt feel bad about a man getting with a younger woman. If its anyones fault its his.

---

My Dad was 70 when I was born and passed at 92. I still got to spend quality time with the man until my mid twenties. The only real downside is we couldnt do a lot of physical stuff like sports or what not.

Dont let minor things get to you too much youll be so busy in the next few years that it probably wont even cross your mind.

---