Current Events > My husband has been much better

(+) Yeah! (+)

I posted a topic last week about him procrastinating and making me feel bad about needing his help.

Hes been a lot better since then. I dunno if something finally clicked in our talks or if he can see how limited my mobility is now. But hes done everything hes promised and has been more attentive to me when I need something. Ive made efforts not to overly complain to him which I didnt feel like I was doing before, but I just dont complain at all around him anymore. So when I really feel unwell and need something he seems to take it more seriously now. Also we got so many gifts off my registry and he finally saw that we needed space for them. Even though I kept warning him for weeks we needed to clear stuff out, it wasnt until he saw everything that he got it. Hes been going through things and tossing things out, going through the garage, etc.

I feel much better about things and less overwhelmed with everything we needed to do before baby gets here.

While I am happy that your husband and relationship is now on track to being better I can only feel great sadness in my heart at the fact my attempt of the long game of waiting for you to be single isn't paying off yet. Especially because you have no idea who I am aprt from the fact that once at college you gave me a pencil and that means you love me
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Glad things are going better for you domestically, hopefully the work situation works out as well.

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Maybe he was lurking on gfaqs and read the shiz we were talking

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nothanks1 posted...

While I am happy that your husband and relationship is now on track to being better I can only feel great sadness in my heart at the fact my attempt of the long game of waiting for you to be single isn't paying off yet. Especially because you have no idea who I am aprt from the fact that once at college you gave me a pencil and that means you love me

Sorry to disappoint. You can still send me some money though. I wont turn down free money.

Alteres posted...

Glad things are going better for you domestically, hopefully the work situation works out as well.

Thanks! Work got better but still stressful overall. Luckily its my last week this week. I cant wait!

R1masher posted...

Maybe he was lurking on gfaqs and read the shiz we were talking

Ive sometimes been tempted to show responses to him but I know it would backfire and hed just get more defensive.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Thank you! I still have major anxiety about labor and the weeks following but at least I feel like the house is in order lol

Idk man sometimes we get burnt out. I've been burnt out lately, so it's probably a good thing I'm single with no responsibility towards anyone, and no one to make me feel guilty for not getting anything done.

I am happy to hear things are getting better! I feel a little wary/sad when I read that you had to "stop over complaining" to achieve this, just sounds... kinda like you had to "shut up" just to get the attention/care you need. So it sounds like a mixed bag.

But at the very least it also sounds like you *are* getting more that you need now, so there's a positive.


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That's good to hear. You're almost there Cleo! :D

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CalypsoDoom posted...

I'd be anxious too! Labor is no joke. Definitely wishing you well :)

Ugh Im absolutely terrified of it all. I keep being told not to worry but like who could not worry about pushing a whole ass human out of your vagina. And then the recovery after sounds horrifying

Hexenherz posted...

I am happy to hear things are getting better! I feel a little wary/sad when I read that you had to "stop over complaining" to achieve this, just sounds... kinda like you had to "shut up" just to get the attention/care you need. So it sounds like a mixed bag.

But at the very least it also sounds like you *are* getting more that you need now, so there's a positive.

I think when he hears what he thinks is a lot of complaining, he just lumps it all into noise and doesnt take it seriously and tunes it out. So I tried being a lot more mindful about what I am complaining about so its not just whiny pregnant wife but oh she must really need something

CyricZ posted...

That's good to hear. You're almost there Cleo! :D

Thank you! Due in 5 weeks now!

As I've shamefully admitted in the past I kind of do the same thing to my wife, because for years she would complain day in and day out about every single aspect of her work. No exaggeration, it could last up to hours a day after she got home from work, taking up entire evenings. And now she complains far less frequently but I still have that experience and sometimes struggle to just patiently listen while she's rattling off stuff (well... there are still a lot of absurd things she freaks out about, for no reason, and I can safely say that because I've helped guide her through whatever issue she was having just to help her realize it was a non-issue and she didn't need to freak out).

SO ANYWAY... I kinda get that -_- Still shitty though.

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That's wonderful Cleo. Hopefully he keeps at this pace of helpfulness and doesn't fall back into old ways.

I assume you're letting him know how much this extra effort on his part means to you. Maybe that way he'll continue being mindful of these things. My wife and I always make it a point to praise each other for things even if it's something that's expected of us. I always thank her for the meals she makes us and she always thanks me for the cleaning/mopping around the house. That way we know the other isn't take the little every day things for granted.

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Hexenherz posted...

As I've shamefully admitted in the past I kind of do the same thing to my wife, because for years she would complain day in and day out about every single aspect of her work. No exaggeration, it could last up to hours a day after she got home from work, taking up entire evenings. And now she complains far less frequently but I still have that experience and sometimes struggle to just patiently listen while she's rattling off stuff (well... there are still a lot of absurd things she freaks out about, for no reason, and I can safely say that because I've helped guide her through whatever issue she was having just to help her realize it was a non-issue and she didn't need to freak out).

SO ANYWAY... I kinda get that -_- Still shitty though.

I can understand that. There is definitely a limit on how much complaining from our SO we can take. Both my husband and I had situations in the past where we hated our jobs so much and nonstop complained and tortured each other with it lol

His tolerance is much lower than mine though. I think because of his upbringing and the fact that he went through Ranger training so his empathy is limited

BlazinBlue88 posted...

That's wonderful Cleo. Hopefully he keeps at this pace of helpfulness and doesn't fall back into old ways.

I assume you're letting him know how much this extra effort on his part means to you. Maybe that way he'll continue being mindful of these things. My wife and I always make it a point to praise each other for things even if it's something that's expected of us. I always thank her for the meals she makes us and she always thanks me for the cleaning/mopping around the house. That way we know the other isn't take the little every day things for granted.

Im pretty good at verbalizing my appreciation. Him not so much. Ive learned long ago hes an action over words kind of guy.

Yesterday he spilled his coffee all over our cream colored couch. Since he knows nothing of stain removal, I had to be the one to clean it all and it was a pain. I was exhausted after. But he then went and cleaned the entire pantry for my which is something Ive been asking for for weeks. So I took that as his thank you lol

Cleo_II posted...

Im pretty good at verbalizing my appreciation. Him not so much. Ive learned long ago hes an action over words kind of guy.

Yesterday he spilled his coffee all over our cream colored couch. Since he knows nothing of stain removal, I had to be the one to clean it all and it was a pain. I was exhausted after. But he then went and cleaned the entire pantry for my which is something Ive been asking for for weeks. So I took that as his thank you lol

Yeah I used to be the same way. Always thought it was assumed that I loved her and that actions showed my love. While they do, they should come with some communication as well. I've learned to sprinkle "I love yous" and other compliments at her throughout our day. She has immense anxiety so I've learned to go overboard with the conpliments/reassurance over the years. I'd definitely let him know that verbal compliments are appreciated without making it seem like he's screwing up by not giving you any. Maybe it will slowly condition him to verbalize more.

Wow you cleaned the couch? My wife would have used that as a teaching opportunity and showed me what sprays to use for the couch so I could clean it. Granted I wouldn't have let her clean my mess anyway. I'd feel terrible if I made a mess and she had to clean it. At least he gave you a thank you in his own way.

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Me and megatech paid him a lil visit if you know what I'm shaying

Lol, glad everything is going well.
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BlazinBlue88 posted...

Yeah I used to be the same way. Always thought it was assumed that I loved her and that actions showed my love. While they do, they should come with some communication as well. I've learned to sprinkle "I love yous" and other compliments at her throughout our day. She has immense anxiety so I've learned to go overboard with the conpliments/reassurance over the years. I'd definitely let him know that verbal compliments are appreciated without making it seem like he's screwing up by not giving you any. Maybe it will slowly condition him to verbalize more.

Wow you cleaned the couch? My wife would have used that as a teaching opportunity and showed me what sprays to use for the couch so I could clean it. Granted I wouldn't have let her clean my mess anyway. I'd feel terrible if I made a mess and she had to clean it. At least he gave you a thank you in his own way.

He sometimes tries to verbalize things better. Its not natural for him but he knows I sometimes need reassurance. Like I sometimes feel incredibly unattractive while pregnant and hes made a comment a little while ago that he needs to do a better job of making me feel better about myself and complimenting me more. He tries here and there and I appreciate that. But I also know the kind of guy I married too and I dont need a whole ton of verbal reassurance so its mostly worked for us. When I need it more, I tell him and he will try. In my previous relationship, he was great with words but actions didnt match up. So Ive learned to prioritize actions.

And lol its funny because I think just a week ago I told him he needed to learn to clean stains. Our cats puke often on our carpet and he never knows what to do. We had a talk where I told him in the later weeks Im not really going to be able to do it and he needed to learn. He just kept joking and saying but you do it so well (which is our inside joke for chores we dont like doing, I use it on him too lol)

I will say he did offer to clean the stain if I told him what to do but it was such a major stain and I didnt trust him with it. He made sure to get me everything I needed and kept offering to do it. Its still not 100% and needs to be professionally cleaned, but I got a good chunk of it out and I think their steam cleaner should do the last of it.

V-E-G-Y- posted...

Me and megatech paid him a lil visit if you know what I'm shaying

Lol, glad everything is going well.

I knew I could count on you guys

@Hexenherz I think my husband is suffering the same memory issues as your wife lol

My aunt ordered the baby stroller off our registry. My mom got us the car seat. We just got the stroller last week. I told him when my aunt ordered it. I told him when it got here. I told him I called her to thank her. He even asked what was in the giant box and I said the stroller my aunt got. He moved it to the garage himself.

He just installed the car seat. And then yelled in a panic Do we even have a stroller?!?!!

I cant tell if he has old man memory or literally never pays attention to anything I say lol

Is he fucking it right, though?

rats5 posted...

Is he fucking it right, though?

No our doc said we cant after I went to the hospital with early contractions at 32 weeks

I even told him Im sure thats just an extra precaution and tried seducing him the other day. He turned me down. Kinda made me feel terrible and ugly but he kept saying he just couldnt do it without worrying. Logic part of me gets it, hormonal side thinks hes just saying that because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I hate pregnancy hormones lol

Lol that's scary. We've all been there I guess, just forget different things.

If I had to guess I'd say his military experience probably made him the communicator he is. I know I don't like to complain much... Outside of on gamefaqs... Because I don't want to place more stress on my wife, and I don't complain much at work because years of experience have taught me that no one's listening anyway.

And I know I hate when my wife complains about things and I try to give her a solution or talk her down and she gets even madder but that's my way of trying to fix things.

Since he's not pregnant and doesn't know how that feels he probably has a hard time internalizing what it really means and how big of a burden it really is.

Yoy mentioned last time how he didn't make lunch for a long time, it seems really simple that you are hungry and need food honestly, but for someone who doesn't eat that much or frequently it's way too easy to not understand how the other person feels.

Hopefully the communication improves and everything keeps getting better from here on out.

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Hexenherz posted...

Lol that's scary. We've all been there I guess, just forget different things.

If I had to guess I'd say his military experience probably made him the communicator he is. I know I don't like to complain much... Outside of on gamefaqs... Because I don't want to place more stress on my wife, and I don't complain much at work because years of experience have taught me that no one's listening anyway.

And I know I hate when my wife complains about things and I try to give her a solution or talk her down and she gets even madder but that's my way of trying to fix things.

Since he's not pregnant and doesn't know how that feels he probably has a hard time internalizing what it really means and how big of a burden it really is.

Yoy mentioned last time how he didn't make lunch for a long time, it seems really simple that you are hungry and need food honestly, but for someone who doesn't eat that much or frequently it's way too easy to not understand how the other person feels.

Hopefully the communication improves and everything keeps getting better from here on out.

Yeah hes the type not to complain about anything. Even when hes super sick, he doesnt ask me for anything. Ill still take care of him, but if I didnt then he would be making his own soup, etc. Hes not the kind of guy that turns into a baby when hes sick like Ive heard other women complain about. He rarely gets hungry either. Hes used to going without and that comes from both his childhood and the military. Its why Ive been patient with him throughout the years

And he does the same thing where he tries to problem solve everything when sometimes I just want to vent without a fix. I just want him to listen. Ive just learned to turn to my sister or female friends instead.

Lol we are trained not to complain without presenting a solution and if someone does come with a grievance then we go into "let's figure this out together so it's not a problem any more".

She wants me to listen then say "omg what a bitch!" and stuff like that and doesn't want no help

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I saw your other topic and didn't really have anything to contribute, but glad to hear things are better now

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Hexenherz posted...

Lol we are trained not to complain without presenting a solution and if someone does come with a grievance then we go into "let's figure this out together so it's not a problem any more".

She wants me to listen then say "omg what a bitch!" and stuff like that and doesn't want no help

Huh that makes sense if it was part of training. Figured it was just a guy kind of thing. It can be so infuriating lol

Machete posted...

I saw your other topic and didn't really have anything to contribute, but glad to hear things are better now

Thanks!

Cleo_II posted...

Huh that makes sense if it was part of training. Figured it was just a guy kind of thing. It can be so infuriating lol

Thanks!

I think it's a guy thing. It took me 10 years of being in a relationship before I finally realized this lol.

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Well it could be a guy thing, too.

I wouldn't say we're like... "trained" on it in the sense that we go to classes on how to disregard people who are whining or something.

Moreso you just spend time in an environment where that's the modus operandi. If something's wrong, you bring it up, fix it, record any lessons to avoid that situation in the future, and move on from it because there's probably going to be some other stupid unplanned thing that happens that needs your attention next time. Or you want to use that time you freed up from fixing the solution to work on something positive instead of patching problems.

If you do complain then you complain at work, and you generally try to leave work at work because there's stuff you're not supposed to talk about at home, and it's easier to just... not talk about work period in that case so you don't say something accidentally. And people talking about work can be uncomfortable because of that, even though you most certainly have a job where it's not an issue to vent outside of working hours.

I know for like regular life situations... obviously you complain about stuff like that at home with your SO but I personally feel really content about stuff in life so... there's that.

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I'm glad to hear this, but more importantly that you two seem to be recognizing the ups/downs and triggers each other has.

I've often talked with clients about mismatches in what type of support a speaker is looking for versus what the listener ends up offering using the analogy of a flat tire. Sometimes you want someone to help figure out a solution (how to get where you were going), sometimes you want someone to help figure out how it happened, but a lot of times we forget you just want someone to listen/acknowledge that you had a flat tire on the way to the party that you had been waiting the whole week for...