Poll of the Day > My Husband's Friends Are Going to Be Mad and I've Never Felt so Free!

(+) Yeah! (+)

Crazy story!!

Juan and I have been planning a trip to New York for a few months, and while we're there it's am ongoing assumption that we spend time with his best friend that he's known since high school, the guy's wife, and another friend, because we live in Arizona and only see them every few years, so the visit is kind of a big and expected deal. I have friends of my own who live there that I hadn't spoken to in forever so I typically wouldn't make plans with my friends in the past.

However my birthday was in March and around my birthday it hit me that I needed to do a lot better about making time to talk to my friends, so I messaged my best friend who lives in Ohio and suggested that we should talk on messenger a lot more despite the fact that our lives are busy because I straight up missed him, and he was excited about that, so we talk a lot more now and it's been awesome.
So I started contacting other friends in New York and doing the same and it's been incredible because I get to communicate with people I haven't seen in years!
I added Juan's 3 friends that we normally make plans with to a messenger group and suggested the same, but in the past few months they've hardly made an effort to talk to me despite the fact that I reach out to them.

That's when it hit me... hard! So I messaged the group we normally see in New York on Monday, the morning before our trip to New York and I told them I felt conflicted about spending time with them for dinner Friday night because we never talk anymore despite the fact that I reach out, and asked if there was a better way to communicate with them.

They pretty much all made excuses that they are dealing with life shit, time zones are difficult, and one actually said that he regularly updated my husband on their lives so he doesn't feel the need to send me an identical message. My heart both dropped and soared!

So I said Fuck it! At 10:30 Monday night I messaged 2 friends in New York that I had been speaking to regularly since March and hadn't seen in 10 years and told them I'd be in town and wanted to see them Friday night, and Tuesday morning before we left to board the plane they both confirmed!!!
So I'm ditching my husband's friends to see my own and I'm so excited. My husband isn't thrilled but he gets that it's my turn to see my people.
I responded in an epic way to his friends telling that my other friends and I take time out of our lives to communicate because it's a priority to us, so we say fuck time, space and distance and choose to talk to each other.

These 3 we normally see don't know yet that I'm not going to be there with them for dinner. One of them has a new girlfriend to introduce to is and in my heart I realized that I don't care.

So Friday night I'm thrilled and excited!!!
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you go girl

LaggnFragnLarry posted...

you go girl

Really? You don't think I'm being selfish or bratty? Lol
Because initially my husband was angry but he's mellowed to the idea. Before I sent the message to them, he asked me to reconsider because he felt I was ruining the trip and making things awkward with friends by saying anything at all, because they're busy and I should just accept the fact that we barely talk, and just be happy we were going to see them.on Friday in person, but I couldn't!
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nah #girlpower

Fair, next.
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That's fine.

Be with people who want to be with you. When you've made an effort and it isn't reciprocated or understood, you either make more effort (and risk getting hurt) or leave them be. Either way, it's your decision and IMHO and as long as there's no animosity between you and the people you chose to leave behind, then you're all clear.
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I live in NY and I'm too busy talk about this right now...

But really, have fun with the people you have the most fun with. I don't buy into that crap that if you're married you should share everything together. You're still your own person and should be free to do whatever you damn well please.

Zangulus posted...

You are being selfish

Yup. But as you said, sometimes in life you need to be selfish.
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Shortened version.

You and husband plan a trip months ago

It has been decided to hang out with his friends

You get a wild hair up your butt & change plans on your husband

You put him in an uncomfortable position to have to explain why you don't want to spend time with them/or make excuses for why you're not there...thus making all future get togethers with your husband's friends uncomfortable

Yeah you're being pretty selfish. You have every right to have your own friends and time with said friends. You should've made plans for another time.
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Lol also your husband is going to remember this . He may not directly say it but this will go into his bank in his head for future use/or negative feelings toward you.

There's plenty of times to stand your ground and fight for something...this is not the hill to die on. Personally if I were you I'd apologize to him, hang out with his friends, but make it perfectly clear that you want to do something with your friends asap.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

LaggnFragnLarry posted...

you go girl

You don't think I'm being selfish or bratty?

No. You're spending time with people that want to see you, and removing your presence from people who evidently couldn't care less. That's selfless. If anything they could be considered selfish, but you can't be in two places at once and occasionally a decision must be made. Seems like everyone is getting what they want, except maybe Juan, but you've apparently discussed the situation and he sounds understanding.

trentpac posted...

Shortened version.

You and husband plan a trip months ago

It has been decided to hang out with his friends

You get a wild hair up your butt & change plans on your husband

You put him in an uncomfortable position to have to explain why you don't want to spend time with them/or make excuses for why you're not there...thus making all future get togethers with your husband's friends uncomfortable

Yeah you're being pretty selfish. You have every right to have your own friends and time with said friends. You should've made plans for another time.

With all my heart I couldn't see these peokple.
I didn't have it in me when I realized that these 3 don't truly perceive me as one of their friends, or consider me a priority in their lives.
I needed to spend time with people who see me for myself, and adore me for the person I am, as opposed to being kind of okay with me simply because they are my husband's friends.
I don't think I can spend time with these people anymore and I think on future vacations to New York, which really occur every few years, I'm going to make plans with my friends and let him go out with his.
As messed up as it may sound, I truly believe that if you're sitting at a table surrounded by people who aren't thrilled to be with you, then you're at the wrong table.
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Get it girl
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I think youre doing the right thing. No matter what trentpac says... I know I always hang out with my friends when I visit home which isnt often. And if I went back home and my SO came, I would let him see his friends while I see mine. They seem to be more his friends, anyway. You shouldnt have to not see your friends just so you can see your husbands friend who didnt even make you a priority. Id feel worse ditching my friends who wanted to see me to hangout with people who could take it or leave it...
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I get it. Honestly I don't care how his friends feel about this...I'm more concerned about how your husband is going to take this.

I just think that you went about this the wrong way. You basically threw him a curveball. He's like WTF we had plans...I guess were not good enough for you. I know you don't mean that...but that could very well be what he's precieving your actions to mean.
Believe me I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to spend time with your significant other's friends. I haven't always liked my girlfriends friends...I've even downright hated a few. You're there for your husband, not them.

This is clearly bothering him and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. There's always next time. Next time make plans to spend time to see both sets of friends if possible...or alternate.
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#epic
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But she always sees his friends. This is the first time shes not. And she wont get the chance to see hers for a few more years. Maybe there was a better way, but I dont think it was that bad. She could always talk to him again to make sure he understands.
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Also I hope you get that I'm trying help you understand where he's coming from. I'm not trying to make you feel like shit or anything.
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I dont really see how that is even selfish

He is gonna spend time with his old friends and you are gonna spend time with yours, seems fair
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trentpac posted...

I get it. Honestly I don't care how his friends feel about this...I'm more concerned about how your husband is going to take this.

I just think that you went about this the wrong way. You basically threw him a curveball. He's like WTF we had plans...I guess were not good enough for you. I know you don't mean that...but that could very well be what he's precieving your actions to mean.
Believe me I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to spend time with your significant other's friends. I haven't always liked my girlfriends friends...I've even downright hated a few. You're there for your husband, not them.

This is clearly bothering him and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. There's always next time. Next time make plans to spend time to see both sets of friends if possible...or alternate.

I understand what you mean and understand how this may look. But chances are, if she wasn't even a priority with them, they probably wouldn't even notice her being absent. Also, being married doesn't just mean attending things together. It also means covering up for one another if the need arises (provided shes honest about this whole thing with her husband and im sure she is). After all, as a husband, his priority would be HER feelings and not what his friends will think. A nice excuse (not too exaggerated) will suffice. And people will take it. It's not as if the husband's friends will give it a lot of thought either. I wouldn't be surprised if they just said: "Oh she won't be able to make it? That's too bad. Oh well.".

People are fickle that way towards others whom they don't have a deep bond with and there's nothing wrong with that. People are people. It is what it is.
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i don't know. adult life issues are legitimate. i know since having a baby, it's suuuuper damn tough to get out and see anyone these days. also, i know plenty of close friends who have just not been able to talk or hang with recently because of their schedules, and demanding lifestyles, ok?

just because people aren't communicating with you in as quickly a manner as you'd like them to doesn't mean they don't care, or aren't your good friends anymore. life is legit crazy and things happen. adulting is tough, ok?

Aculo posted...

i don't know. adult life issues are legitimate. i know since having a baby, it's suuuuper damn tough to get out and see anyone these days. also, i know plenty of close friends who have just not been able to talk or hang with recently because of their schedules, and demanding lifestyles, ok?

just because people aren't communicating with you in as quickly a manner as you'd like them to doesn't mean they don't care, or aren't your good friends anymore. life is legit crazy and things happen. adulting is tough, ok?

That's the reason I opt for messenger. I tell people that each morning I'm going to say good morning and each night I'm going to say good night. If people are busy and can't say either on a particular day then I understand. Even if they talk to me once a week or every 8 days it's cool. The point is that we communicate on a regular basis. I get that life is crazy and people are busy. I believe in contacting people, rolling the dice and seeing what happens. How people react to me tells me what I need to know. I make important people in my life a priority.
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lol wtf is going on in here
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It's fine, I'd rather see my own friends as well but it also seems like you're doing it out of spite.
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You get to reconnect with your old friends, he gets to see his own friends solo. Seems like a win really.

It would have been best to schedule both in. But I also understand not wanting to turn a vacation entirely into visiting other people.
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kinda sucks for your husband, but honestly fuck those guys.
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trentpac posted...

you're being pretty selfish

you're being selfish
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trentpac posted...

Shortened version.

You and husband plan a trip months ago

It has been decided to hang out with his friends

You get a wild hair up your butt & change plans on your husband

You put him in an uncomfortable position to have to explain why you don't want to spend time with them/or make excuses for why you're not there...thus making all future get togethers with your husband's friends uncomfortable

Yeah you're being pretty selfish. You have every right to have your own friends and time with said friends. You should've made plans for another time.

I should've read this version first lol.
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At full disclosure this is what I said in response to the guy's message to me:

* My feelings aren't necessarily hurt. I'm simply expressing how I feel and my perception. My initial point was that reconnecting with other people has been awesome and I guess I was hoping we could all experience that as well. Maybe it was my fault for making that assumption or for assuming that people saw me as an entity totally separate from Juan, with my own perspective to offer. Honestly the cool thing about us is that despite the fact that we're married we are completely different people. Talking to Juan is nothing like talking to me, and I guess I was hoping that people saw that. If they didn't it was simply rolling the dice and seeing what happened which is kind of how I live my life.

*Secondly... I get that we're all busy. We're adults with our own responsibilies. We have bills to pay, lives to live. Problems to solve shit to do. I get that.

That's why the plan was to make a couple of seconds here or there to just simply say hi to each other every so often. I wasn't asking anyone for an hour long phone conversation or a 20 minute update on their lives.

About time zones... I get time zones. The majority of the people I speak to have moved away or stayed where they were.. and we left.
Here's the kooky thing though. We make it work. Magically and creatively because we want to. Each day we say fuck it. Fuck time space and fuck distance. We throw words out and the other person catches them . Because words are fuckin important and so are friends.

Yeah we get busy... but that's the beauty of messenger. I have friends from college that I talk to who also live in NY and one in Ohio. It's 3 hours too. They say good morning whenever they get up. My phone is on mute and my screen is all the way dim so I don't wake up when they wake up. When I get up I say good morning back. Because they're important to me. And I'm important to them. They sometimes say good night first. Sometimes they fall asleep first and that's okay. Sleep happens. Literally.

As Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World said "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself".
Fuck that. I like myself.
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Susan, do you think that maybe it's a bit overwhelming for people for you to ask them to say good morning and goodnight to you every. single. day. Or to expect them to say hi to you everyday? It just seems excessive. A lot of people don't even talk to their families every day. Having an expectation that people need to say words to you or something to you every day or almost every day in order for them to care about you is overwhelming. Even "every so often" doesn't come through clear when you're messaging them everyday. It can make it uncomfortable for people to message you when they have 15 missed messages from you already.
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Also you say you understand that life happens but your whole post shows that you really don't understand that because you still expect people to cater to your communicative needs instead of actually being understanding of their life terms and it seems you harbor some type of negative attitude or resentment that they aren't putting you higher on their list of personal priorities.
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Jen0125 posted...

Susan, do you think that maybe it's a bit overwhelming for people for you to ask them to say good morning and goodnight to you every. single. day. Or to expect them to say hi to you everyday? It just seems excessive. A lot of people don't even talk to their families every day. Having an expectation that people need to say words to you or something to you every day or almost every day in order for them to care about you is overwhelming. Even "every so often" doesn't come through clear when you're messaging them everyday. It can make it uncomfortable for people to message you when they have 15 missed messages from you already.

Not necessarily.
Everyone I talk to regularly knows how this works.
They catch up when they catch up.
Some friends I speak to each day. Some once a week. Some once every few weeks.
I'm always happy to hear from a friend and as a rule I would never dream of asking why they haven't answered for awhile.
I greet someone I haven't spoken to in 2 weeks the same as I would someone I spoke to the day before. . With a hug and a smile. Lol
I say that I miss them and ask how they are.
I'm honestly grateful for the friends in my life and I get that life is busy.
However, when people don't speak to me in nearly 2 months and I ask if there's a preferred form of communication other than messenger, and I'm told that it was assumed that speaking to Juan is the same as speaking to me, in terms of updates then it makes my skin crawl, to be honest.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

However, when people don't speak to me in nearly 2 months and I ask if there's a preferred form of communication other than messenger, and I'm told that it was assumed that speaking to Juan is the same as speaking to me, in terms of updates then it makes my skin crawl, to be honest.

This is something worth being upset over. It shows that they don't value their relationship with you as an individual. You are just an extra that goes with Juan. Which is whatever... happens with friends of a partner sometimes.

I understand wanting to see your own friends over that
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Is it awful that I love the badassery of texting people I haven't seen in ten years, saying "Yo Booger Face, check your messenger. I'm in town and want to see you on Friday night!!", making impromptu plans, then showing up in a tiara and eyeliner and boots looking awesome and saying "Dudes!!! Hugs!! I missed you so much! I had plans with people who don't love me, or really even like me so much... so I ditched them to see you. .. because Dammit you're my people and you're important to me!!! THAT'S the shit I would do for you!!"

Because if that's wrong then I don't even want to be right!

If his friends were also my friends then I would never dream of skipping out, but they're not.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

However, when people don't speak to me in nearly 2 months and I ask if there's a preferred form of communication other than messenger, and I'm told that it was assumed that speaking to Juan is the same as speaking to me, in terms of updates then it makes my skin crawl, to be honest.

That is understandable.
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quigonzel posted...

Am I misinterpreting something or are you saying you're upset that his friends don't make you a priority?

Not only that but one said there's no point in talking to me if they already update Juan on what's going on in their lives because he can just tell me what's going on.
These aren't my friends.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

quigonzel posted...

Am I misinterpreting something or are you saying you're upset that his friends don't make you a priority?

Not only that but one said there's no point in talking to me if they already update Juan on what's going on in their lives because he can just tell me what's going on.
These aren't my friends.

Wait, is it not normal to think of a married couple as essentially the same thing? Cause I don't make plans with my friends wives. I just tell my friend and ask them to bring their wife.
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SusanGreenEyes posted...

quigonzel posted...

Am I misinterpreting something or are you saying you're upset that his friends don't make you a priority?

Not only that but one said there's no point in talking to me if they already update Juan on what's going on in their lives because he can just tell me what's going on.
These aren't my friends.

in their defense, once you're married, people tend to treat you like you're one entity, ok?

my wife and i noticed this within our first year of marriage. it's not something people tend to do out of disrespect, but rather they assume that if one half of the entity hears something, the other, by default, will know too, ok?

i've sometimes made that assumption myself, ok?

SusanGreenEyes posted...

trentpac posted...

Shortened version.

You and husband plan a trip months ago

It has been decided to hang out with his friends

You get a wild hair up your butt & change plans on your husband

You put him in an uncomfortable position to have to explain why you don't want to spend time with them/or make excuses for why you're not there...thus making all future get togethers with your husband's friends uncomfortable

Yeah you're being pretty selfish. You have every right to have your own friends and time with said friends. You should've made plans for another time.

With all my heart I couldn't see these people.
I didn't have it in me when I realized that these 3 don't truly perceive me as one of their friends, or consider me a priority in their lives.
I needed to spend time with people who see me for myself, and adore me for the person I am, as opposed to being kind of okay with me simply because they are my husband's friends.
I have friends who love talking to me, understand me, and want to spend time with me.
I don't think I can spend time with these people anymore and I think on future vacations to New York, which only occur every few years, I'm going to make plans with my friends and let him go out with his.
As messed up as it may sound, I truly believe that if you're sitting at a table surrounded by people who aren't thrilled to be with you, and who aren't excited to see you, then you're at the wrong table.

**Edited: Also at full disclosure, I saw a couple of people with girl power comments which kind of made me laugh because the friends I'm ditching for are 2 dudes that I went to college with and have known for 20 years. In all honesty all of the friends I've kept for 20 years are guys. Juan knows they're guys and he's fine with that. that.**

Does this mean you're closing your account?

You wear a tiara??
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I'm personally really happy when my husband and I get treated like one entity... Because that's how I feel myself sometimes. I even warn people that anything interesting said to me will be repeated to my husband unless I specifically promise secrecy. Heh.

My take on this is close to Zang's. You have to be selfish sometimes or you lose yourself to other people.

I do think it was overly... dramatic though. I don't think it was necessary to tell those acquaintances all your deep feelings about not being a priority. I don't think it was good to make plans without at least talking to your husband first. I also really don't get the idea that it's painful somehow to hang out with casual acquaintances. But overall that's stuff that can just be personal preference and isn't necessarily right or wrong. So long as your relationship is okay and you both have fun, whatever to anyone else.
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Greenfox111 posted...

You wear a tiara??

You dont?
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My wife's friends don't need to update me with their shit, my wife can relay that to me, pretty unnecessary to say the same stuff twice. Would also find it odd if they started making me a priority. If her friends invite us somewhere, I understand that I'm the tag-a-long, same thing goes if my buddies invite us, my wife is the tag-a-long, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If my wife peaced out on me after having plans like that to see her own friends I'd be choked too.
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I'd ask myself if there is a reason they preferred to speak with Juan.
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SunWuKung420 posted...

I'd ask myself if there is a reason they preferred to speak with Juan.

Well, they are his friends. Shes mostly friends through marriage...
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I think people are maybe misunderstanding a little bit. Its not Allie she thinks they have to make her a priority. Especially since they are her husbands friends. But she is trying to show them shes her own person. And trying to make a bond or connection with them on her own. Thats why she tries to talk to them, even if its not through her husband. Or tried to just talk to them more often. They dont have to, but it would sure be nice. Maybe they find out about things they have in common and start talking way more often. It would be nice if you and you SO shared friends. And not just because they were friends with the other. Its nice to be able to actually make you SOs friends your friends as well... Thats how I see it, at least...
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LinkPizza posted...

I think people are maybe misunderstanding a little bit. Its not Allie she thinks they have to make her a priority. Especially since they are her husbands friends. But she is trying to show them shes her own person. And trying to make a bond or connection with them on her own. Thats why she tries to talk to them, even if its not through her husband. Or tried to just talk to them more often. They dont have to, but it would sure be nice. Maybe they find out about things they have in common and start talking way more often. It would be nice if you and you SO shared friends. And not just because they were friends with the other. Its nice to be able to actually make you SOs friends your friends as well... Thats how I see it, at least...

Exactly.
I've known 2 of the guys for almost 20 years and his wife for ten.
I'm not stupid. I know if we ever split they'd be loyal to him. I get that.
However they also live in NY and we're in AZ so I was thinking it would be nice to keep in touch with them the same as I was with other out of state friends and say hi to each other every few days or so, and they said they liked that idea.
We have other married friends that we talk to separately because we're different people and they like talking to us separately because they're 2 entirely different conversations.
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Yeesh, so much drama